Continuation of the commencement saga - advice appreciated

[Hoggirl]

I found the old thread that I posted in December of 2016, but it looked odd when I tried to link it - so I didn’t. Here is a brief recap:

In that thread nearly 18 most ago, I lamented that my inlaws had expressed their desire to attend ds’s commencement which is now three weeks from tomorrow. Mostly I expressed concern about fil’s mobility issues (along with general frustration about his critical and curmudgeonly personality). I received a lot of good and frank advice. In the interim, we suggested that mil and fil join us on our visit to see ds on campus at Thanksgiving. They seemed agreeable, and I was much more comfortable with this since we could control our schedule. However, I resurrected the thread when fil pulled a bait and switch on us, and fil decided he would rather go to commencement. I expressed my frustration that I suspected he never intended to go at Thanksgiving in the first place. At the time of the original post in December of 2016, many suggested that a lot could happen in 18 mos. Well, it has. 

By October fil had rented a roach motel for mil and himself (seriously, the reviews on yelp were horrifying!!). I couldn’t stand the thought of their staying there, so I insisted to dh that we pay for them to stay at our hotel.  In addition to being critical and curmudgeonly, fil is also cheap - even though they have plenty of financial resources. During our Christmas visit, it was evident his walking was getting worse and worse. Much more so than the Christmas before when I originally posted my thread. The university website clearly states that there are no shuttles in between the main commencement ceremony and the diploma ceremonies.  Ds’s diploma ceremony is 1.2 miles walking distance.  So, I have rented a golf cart for our personal use, because they insist on attending ALL the events. They are, in fact, most unhappy that they don’t arrive in time for an event on Friday evening.  Fil was recently diagnosed with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. The good news is that all indications (after a neurologist”s evaluation and spinal tap) are that his symptoms of gait problems and balance can be controlled by surgically inserting a shunt. He had a consult with the neurosurgeon yesterday who was ready to do the procedure next week. The bad news is that fil opted to delay the procedure until after ds’s commencement. I do not think this was a wise choice on his part, but the neurosurgeon would not clear him to fly to commencement if he had the procedure next week. And, so he delayed it. While we were visiting Mother’s Day he took two naps before 2:00 pm. He has issues rising and sitting down without holding onto something. I have no idea if he can walk up and down stairs - they live in a one-story house. He will not use a cane. There will be no lunch until 1:45. He normally eats his lunch at 11:00 (yes, I am going to bring snacks for us). The university website goes on and on about the need for hats, sunscreen, water because it will be hot.

I really wanted my focus to be on ds during commencement, but I am struggling mightily with letting go of the worry about fil. Dh has said that he will tend to his parents. I have done everything I possibly can to make this trip as easy on him as I can. Yet, I am terrified he is going to fall. I am worried about his stamina. I am worried he will get dehydrated.  I do not know how I am supposed to stay focused on ds when I have this huge distraction. I feel like much of the focus is going to have to be on tending to fil’s needs instead of on ds.

This probably belongs on the Chat Board, but I am not over there too much. You all know the back story. I’m not even sure what I am asking or if I am asking anything. This might just be a JAWM post, but any tips on dealing with navigating commencement ceremonies with the elderly or with shaking OCD/worry would be most appreciated.

I am thankful that we have Friday night for just our little, nuclear family. 

[Julie of KY]

First I'd take a big breath, grin (and maybe cry) and realize that there is nothing I can do about the situation.

I'd let my husband worry about getting his parents around. I'd state plainly that I'm going ahead at my pace so that I can keep up with my child. I'd save seats if possible, otherwise just sit separately if that is better for you. I'd say that you  will all meet up afterwards for a meal and do as much as reasonably possible together during the day, but I'd make it clear that you will be going ahead of the slower party. Life and family is what it is and try to just appreciate that they want to celebrate with you. 

[Roadrunner]

He must really want to see his grandson graduate ?. It’s tough getting old.

I would see if a wheelchair could be arranged and put DH in charge of pushing it as well as making sure food/water is available to him. 

His willingness to do what he can to attend makes me think he will tough it out and hopefully you won’t have a crisis on your hand. 

I still can’t believe your DS is graduating. Congrats!

[Kassia]

Oh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.  I'd be really upset, too.  Is there any way you can have FIL's doctor advise him not to attend for the reasons you mentioned?  It sounds like he is not going to make it through the day and it could be dangerous for him.  Has DH told FIL the things you wrote here?  I really hope something happens so that your in-laws don't go and you can enjoy this very special day.  Our sons' university had the graduation streaming and I think my in-laws watched it because attending would have been too much for them.  We were very grateful that they realized that and didn't push coming along as yours are doing.  

Sending big hugs to you.  This has been on your mind for a long time.  

[Hoggirl]

12 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Is his desire to be there for his grandchild genuine?  

 

 He is very proud of ds.  I wouldn’t really say they have much of a relationship. Ds has a wonderful relationship with his grandmother, and she is a lovely person to spend time with. I think fil is typical of many men in his generation.  Very king of the castle, not demonstratively affectionate, judgmental, etc. But, he is very much about bragging.  He tends toward narcissism, IMO. 

I think his desire to be there is for himself - so he has a story to tell, if that makes sense.  There’s just a lot of baggage that I have a hard time shaking.  As an example, when we visited them in September, when they had not seen ds in 9 mos, fil left after we had been there an hour and a half to go see some kid he did not even know play in a high school football game. It’s all about what he wants to do.

@Roadrunner - no way will fil go for a wheelchair.  Mil suggested it for use in the airport, and he did not take kindly to that. They are 2,000 miles away, and he has chosen a three-legged flight. They only have to change planes once (at LAX), but they do have a three and a half hour layover.  Their total travel time for the day (counting layover and another non-deplaning stop) is 9 hous and 45 minutes. I think dh thinks he can tough it out as well.

@Kassia - surgeon said he has been dealing with this situation for awhile, so another couple of weeks isn’t going to make a difference.  Fil himself is aware that he is at a risk of falling.  He has said that out loud to me. I have whined and moaned about this to dh. I have expressed concerns to mil and sister-in-law.  Dh is less concerned than I am, but he also knows how stubborn fil is.  Pretty much no one stands up to him. He had said when we saw them over Mother’s Day weekend that if he couldn’t have and recovery from the surgery in time, he would put it off. So that’s what he did. Doc didn’t tell him not to travel. He gets to make his own decisions.  There really isn’t anything I can do about it.  It’s a shame he put off going for so long - he’s been having issues for a couple of years.

[MerryAtHope]

I've been wondering if commencement had happened yet. I hope things go well and you can enjoy your son's graduation despite the distraction!

[Hoggirl]

We won’t have two cars. Luckily (???) Stanford Hospital is right on campus.  

Fil isn’t terrible with his mobility.  He just isn’t good. Dh will never go for hiring anyone.  He isn’t nearly as concerned as I am. Besides, it would tick off fil.  I am the queen of worrying. Dh says he refuses to go around expecting something bad to happen. Dh has never been the over-reactor that I am, but I am not sure this isn’t partially denial by him.

I do not think we are going to sit with them in the stadium. In addition to handicap seating, they offer a limited mobility section for people who can only climb 5-7 steps.  We plan to put them there.  Of course, they are first-come, first-serve, so we have to arrive there early enough for them to get seats in that section. No idea how large that section is, but we plan to get them settled and sit elsewhere not taking up space in that section. 

[daijobu]

I didn't make the connection that you are coming to Stanford.  How wonderful!  You are going to have SO. MUCH. FUN.  The Wacky Walk is not to be missed.  (Does your ds have a costume planned?)  I guarantee, there is so much to see and do, your FIL will be the furthest thing from your mind.  (Who's the commencement speaker?)

Really, I'm beginning to wonder (just a tiny bit...I know this is stressful but...) if this isn't more about you than your FIL.  You've written that your DH is going to take care of it.  So let him take care of it.  And you get to enjoy your ds and all the wonderful speeches and the beautiful campus and great weather.  It's really your DH's loss for not managing his family better, but whatevs.  Be there for your son.  Take some photos for your DH because he'll probably be too occupied to enjoy it.  If you need alternate transportation because your dh needs to take FIL to the hospital, then you can get an Uber.   

(Be clear with your DH that you will be occupied with DS and unavailable to attend to any medical emergencies, no matter how dire.  If necessary tell him you can wave up at the helicopter as it transports FIL to the hospital.)

All this to say I give you permission to enjoy commencement and forget all about FIL.  It's been taken care of.  It isn't your responsibility, in the same way that my parents aren't your responsibility.  I'm about ready to meet up with your FIL (or maybe you?) and give one of you a piece of mind.  

And what is the Roach Motel of which you speak?   

[Lori D.]

Ug. So sorry for all the stress. It's so hard as aging parents/in-laws slowly keep slipping health-wise. : (  ((((hugs))) Cynthia and DH, and congrats to you and DS!

[daijobu]

Ooh, I'm so excited for you!  Wacky Walk 2017

[RootAnn]

5 hours ago, daijobu said:

 (Who's the commencement speaker?)

Sterling K Brown

I was wondering how it went as all the schools where we are have already had graduation. Sorry to hear it has only gotten more challenging!

I agree with a previous poster that you should wish your DH well and plan on letting him deal with FIL. I'd attempt, as much as possible, to walk, drive, and manage as if FIL wasn't there. (Lyft or Uber can be your second vehicle.) You are the seat-saver and the videographer or picture person, so you just take off on your own and don't wait for FIL/DH. If MIL can keep up, she might be welcome company, but somehow I doubt she'll leave FIL's side, so just plan to go it alone. This has a two-fold effect:  you physically separate from FIL and his challenges and this separation helps you to concentrate on your son.

Do you have another kid attending? 

[Hoggirl]

12 hours ago, daijobu said:

I didn't make the connection that you are coming to Stanford.  How wonderful!  You are going to have SO. MUCH. FUN.  The Wacky Walk is not to be missed.  (Does your ds have a costume planned?)  I guarantee, there is so much to see and do, your FIL will be the furthest thing from your mind.  (Who's the commencement speaker?)

Really, I'm beginning to wonder (just a tiny bit...I know this is stressful but...) if this isn't more about you than your FIL.  You've written that your DH is going to take care of it.  So let him take care of it.  And you get to enjoy your ds and all the wonderful speeches and the beautiful campus and great weather.  It's really your DH's loss for not managing his family better, but whatevs.  Be there for your son.  Take some photos for your DH because he'll probably be too occupied to enjoy it.  If you need alternate transportation because your dh needs to take FIL to the hospital, then you can get an Uber.   

(Be clear with your DH that you will be occupied with DS and unavailable to attend to any medical emergencies, no matter how dire.  If necessary tell him you can wave up at the helicopter as it transports FIL to the hospital.)

All this to say I give you permission to enjoy commencement and forget all about FIL.  It's been taken care of.  It isn't your responsibility, in the same way that my parents aren't your responsibility.  I'm about ready to meet up with your FIL (or maybe you?) and give one of you a piece of mind.  

And what is the Roach Motel of which you speak?   

 

The bolded is absolutely a fair statement. I selfishly don’t want him there. I do not enjoy being around him - a separate issue from the health challenges that he has.  Of course, just because I don’t like him that does NOT mean that I wish ill on him - I don’t!!! I truly AM concerned for him, especially since he will be so far from home. When he himself said the “f” word - that he was concerned about falling if he didn’t have this procedure done -  I took that opportunity to share that falling anywhere would be bad but falling 2,000 miles from home would be VERY bad. It’s clearly a risk he is willing to take. With my luck, he’ll trip getting into the golf cart, and it will be all my fault. Or, mil will ironically fall!  She is a bit klutzy though in great physical shape for her age. Honestly, I am way ahead of the game.  The awareness of the logistics have been known to me for awhile.  Several parents on the Stanford parents FB group have only recently realized the challenges they face with the massive size of the campus. One mentioned having FOUR 70 and 80-year olds in tow. She was a bit panicked. 

As I wrote before, there is a lot of baggage from over the years.  My own parents died when I was 24, when dh and I were engaged, so there is a lot of emotion tied up in that as well.  That’s my baggage.  Every holiday, every event - it’s all with dh’s family.  I’m an only and ds is an only, so no other kid to attend.  I had tried to talk sil into going (on my dime), but she is no dummy. As I have also previously written in other threads, there are issues there as well as her only dd flunked out of college her junior year of college but hid that fact during what would have been her entire senior year of college. That came out about four weeks before ds was graduating from high school.She had to ‘fess up as everyone was talking about attending *her* college commencement (which she finally had to admit was not going to happen).  Sil and Bil attended ds’s high school graduation, but niece did not.  I did not blame her.  Fil is none too pleased with her choices, so no way was she subjecting herself to being around the celebration of her valedictorian, Stanford-bound, only cousin. She has been in and out of college part-time over the last four years but is currently out.  Sorry - I got off track. Just highlighting the fact that no other kid or family member is going to around to help. 

I absolutely need to clear up the lines of responsibility with dh before we head out there.

Ha ha! No, the last time I asked ds did not know what he was doing for a costume. I have seen the videos! We actually live-streamed commencement the summer before he started out there. He did Bay to Breakers last weekend as “Mustard,” but that is not what he plans to do for the Wacky Walk.  They have a friend group of 8, and they plan to do a theme of some sort. As someone else mentioned, Sterling K. Brown is the commencement speaker.  “This Is Us,” happens to be one of mil’s favorite shows! We had not watched it but only have two episodes left as we started watching it on demand when he was announced.

I will pm you the hotel name, and you can look for yourself! 

[daijobu]

3 hours ago, Hoggirl said:

 

The bolded is absolutely a fair statement. I selfishly don’t want him there. I do not enjoy being around him - a separate issue from the health challenges that he has.  Of course, just because I don’t like him that does NOT mean that I wish ill on him - I don’t!!! I truly AM concerned for him, especially since he will be so far from home. When he himself said the “f” word - that he was concerned about falling if he didn’t have this procedure done -  I took that opportunity to share that falling anywhere would be bad but falling 2,000 miles from home would be VERY bad. It’s clearly a risk he is willing to take. With my luck, he’ll trip getting into the golf cart, and it will be all my fault. Or, mil will ironically fall!  She is a bit klutzy though in great physical shape for her age. Honestly, I am way ahead of the game.  The awareness of the logistics have been known to me for awhile.  Several parents on the Stanford parents FB group have only recently realized the challenges they face with the massive size of the campus. One mentioned having FOUR 70 and 80-year olds in tow. She was a bit panicked. 

As I wrote before, there is a lot of baggage from over the years.  My own parents died when I was 24, when dh and I were engaged, so there is a lot of emotion tied up in that as well.  That’s my baggage.  Every holiday, every event - it’s all with dh’s family.  I’m an only and ds is an only, so no other kid to attend.  I had tried to talk sil into going (on my dime), but she is no dummy. As I have also previously written in other threads, there are issues there as well as her only dd flunked out of college her junior year of college but hid that fact during what would have been her entire senior year of college. That came out about four weeks before ds was graduating from high school.She had to ‘fess up as everyone was talking about attending *her* college commencement (which she finally had to admit was not going to happen).  Sil and Bil attended ds’s high school graduation, but niece did not.  I did not blame her.  Fil is none too pleased with her choices, so no way was she subjecting herself to being around the celebration of her valedictorian, Stanford-bound, only cousin. She has been in and out of college part-time over the last four years but is currently out.  Sorry - I got off track. Just highlighting the fact that no other kid or family member is going to around to help. 

I absolutely need to clear up the lines of responsibility with dh before we head out there.

Ha ha! No, the last time I asked ds did not know what he was doing for a costume. I have seen the videos! We actually live-streamed commencement the summer before he started out there. He did Bay to Breakers last weekend as “Mustard,” but that is not what he plans to do for the Wacky Walk.  They have a friend group of 8, and they plan to do a theme of some sort. As someone else mentioned, Sterling K. Brown is the commencement speaker.  “This Is Us,” happens to be one of mil’s favorite shows! We had not watched it but only have two episodes left as we started watching it on demand when he was announced.

I will pm you the hotel name, and you can look for yourself! 

 

First of all, thank you for allowing me to be a bit harsh in my last post.   I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was that I was too mean.  I hope I wasn't.  Having said that...

Of course not wanting to be responsible for the welfare of your frail FIL is not the same as wanting ill for him; false dichotomy.  My MIL is a dear sweet lady who has always been nothing but polite to me.  But our personalities are just so different, I can't even be alone with her or I'll go bonkers.  

But wow, you weren't kidding about the baggage!  

I think DH and I have become adept at zone defense, whether it's deciding who is going to drive which kid to what event 25 miles away, who is going to plan the trip to see family in Ohio, who is in charge of buying a birthday present for some niece in Wisconsin.  We divide the family and conquer.  You are in charge of DS, and DH is in charge of his parents.  

I mostly feel sorry for your DH because it sounds like there is a big probability he may miss a lot of the festivities.   If you feel like you aren't pulling your share of the load, you can volunteer to be in charge of MIL's welfare?  

Also:  Mustard, LOL!  

 

[Hoggirl]

1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

Its not selfish to have feelings about the gps taking a parent away from parental duties.  

Perhaps there is a younger sibling of Fil that could come and assist?

 

Actually, fil is an only child as well!  In-laws are in Arkansas, and we are now in Florida. Sil is also in Arkansas.  There is simply no family remotely close to California at all. It’s a good idea, but we just don’t have a large, extended family. And none out West.

[GoodGrief]

It's unfortunate that your husband would not agree to hiring someone (perhaps a student who is very familiar with the campus and ceremony?) to help the in-laws navigate the day. That does seem the obvious solution. Even if you separate yourself from the caretaking, it is a loss to have your husband occupied with the elder's needs, and possibly missing some of the festivities.

However, absent his agreement, it seems you will simply have to be clear about your boundaries for the day. I would set out the schedule for your husband and the in-laws ahead of time, including distances and being clear on the potential challenges. Be clear that your job for the day is to be free to celebrate your son.

Am I remembering correctly that FIL is Stanford alum? If that is the case, I do understand his desire to be there.

[Hoggirl]

4 hours ago, GoodGrief1 said:

 

Am I remembering correctly that FIL is Stanford alum? If that is the case, I do understand his desire to be there.

 

Lol.  No.  Pretty sure the only reason fil was accepted to the University of Arkansas was because he was a football player.  

Also, dh’s choice. He doesn’t see the issues I see.  Hopefully, he is correct, and I am wrong.

[Mom22ns]

I just want to say what a great job you have done by planning and making the best possible accommodations for your FIL! Really, you've gone above and beyond. I think the next thing you have to do is let go. Let your dh take care of his parents. Let dh sit by them, and you sit on the other side so he can be a barrier. You focus on your son and enjoy your day. Separate from them as necessary to make sure you are where you need to be when you need to be there. Then, I think this is the hard part for you, relax and enjoy celebrating with your son. You've done your part of the prep. You've met your responsibilities. Now change your focus.

Thank you for posting the update. This situation felt very distressing and I'm glad to hear you have handled it so well.

Now relax! and congratulations to you and your ds on his graduation!!

[katilac]

I get that you can't hire anyone to help, but can you rustle up a family member who could conceivably want to be there, but really doesn't care if he sees the graduation? They wouldn't even need tickets for actual commencement, just help f--i-l get around and be there for emergencies. I know your dh said he would tend to it, but if he is wrong and something goes awry, it would be awful for him to miss his ds graduating. 

You don't have to say the relative is there to help f-i-l, just come up with a random cover story for them to be on campus or at least in town, and they are just meeting up and visiting with y'all. Heck, don't even say anything in advance, you can meet up 'accidentally,' lol.

Edited to add: I did see that you have no family out there, but I thought it might be worth the price of a plane ticket for someone. 

[katilac]

One more thought - what about hiring a friend of your son's to join up with you and be at the ready to sit with in-laws, fetch them water, walk more slowly with them, and so on? Make it someone from the drama department ?

[Hoggirl]

@katilac - these are good suggestions, but sil does not want to go.  She is dh’s only sibling.  Niece does not want to go.  Honestly, he is really unpleasant to be around in general.  Just grumpy and complaining.  I think the student idea (drama - lol!) is a good one, but he (fil) would not like it one bit.  He would not think he needs the help and would find it intrusive to be with a stranger. Underclassmen have to be off-campus before commencement as well. I do appreciate the suggestions, though.  

Adding insult to injury - I received a text with the flight info from mil yesterday which included her complaining about how she thought the travel was going to be exhausting, but how often does a grandson graduate from Stanford.  Please don’t go all martyr on me - you don’t have to come.  As I wrote before, I think it is far more important to my fil to attend. But, I really don’t want her jumping on the complaining bandwagon.  *I’m* not the one who chose the ridiculously long flight with crappy connections.  

[katilac]

6 hours ago, Hoggirl said:

  *I’m* not the one who chose the ridiculously long flight with crappy connections. 

 

 

 

Do you not realize they probably saved $25 on that flight?? ?

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Have you been on the boards long enough to remember the bean dip explanation for dealing with invasive questions?  Might be applicable here.

 

I think grandparents, especially if they are older or in waning health really delight in the successes of the latest generation. There might even be a sense of not having handled things well with your niece and wanting to do it better this time.  He (Or they) may see the current situation as a personal sacrifice of comfort in order to be there. He may be completely oblivious to the burden being put on the group.

I can say that one of the last conversations I had with my mom was about where here grandkids were going to college. In September we had gone directly from Stanford move in day to see her. I spent about 2 hours in the oncology office distracting her from treatment with photos of dorms, descriptions of campus, and silly texts from my kid in New Student Orientation.  By November she was in an ICU struggling to communicate.  I was distracting her with stories of the kids.  When I asked if she remembered where my middle son went to school, she said, "Stanford. Stanford. Stanford."  I know she was very proud and very excites for my son.

My mom could also be problematic and wasn't very mobile for the last many years.  Sometimes we went a long time between calls or visits.  But I would wish for my kids to have had more time with her, not less.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

For those who are unfamiliar with the phrase "Pass the bean dip" was popularized on the board many years ago by a poster named Joanne who suggested it as a way of setting boundaries.

This is a recent blog post by someone who quotes the post I remember reading from Joanne. http://www.charlotterwatson.com/blog/2017/12/22/pass-the-bean-dip-boundaires-and-parenting-choices

[plansrme]

OP, I sympathize.  I don't have any advice, but I can appreciate your predicament.  It would be hard enough if FIL were a lovely person whose company you had enjoyed over the years; it's so many times worse that he is not.  My dad and his wife just came to my daughter's college college graduation, and I did did not realize how much difficulty his wife has walking.  I've never seen her walk farther than from the car to the house.  I am glad they came, but I wish I'd had some warning, as I perhaps could have been more prepared.  I really hope the golf cart is your ticket to maneuvering easily around campus and that your FIL will manage to stay upright and conscious throughout the weekend.  Best of luck!

[Hoggirl]

Ha ha!  Yes, I was around in the ‘bean dip” years. 

Of course I want ds to have more not less time with his grandparents. I know I have to do this It’s just not how I imagined it.  I need to stop whining and get over it.  I will report back when it’s all over! 

[Sebastian (a lady)]

23 hours ago, Hoggirl said:

Ha ha!  Yes, I was around in the ‘bean dip” years. 

Of course I want ds to have more not less time with his grandparents. I know I have to do this It’s just not how I imagined it.  I need to stop whining and get over it.  I will report back when it’s all over! 

 

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh.  That wasn't my intent.

I totally get the frustration over having the focus of your attention be pulled away from celebrating your son's achievements to caring for someone who wasn't willing to take hints or to recognize their physical limitations (or how they will affect other people).

I hope it is a glorious graduation ceremony and that everyone is able to enjoy it.

Stock up on that bean dip.  Try not to engage on the petty stuff.  Huge congratulations to your boy!  

[*LC]

On 5/29/2018 at 4:41 PM, Hoggirl said:

Ha ha!  Yes, I was around in the ‘bean dip” years. 

Of course I want ds to have more not less time with his grandparents. I know I have to do this It’s just not how I imagined it.  I need to stop whining and get over it.  I will report back when it’s all over! 

I was looking at pictures yesterday of my daughter's graduation from last year and this thread popped into my mind. I was curious how it went, so i searched graduation dates and found out that it is this weekend. Exciting.

First, since I am a completely uninvolved 3rd party, is it okay for me to hope something went wrong with the flights and your FIL will not make it in time?

Second, I second what everyone said... you have done a wonderful job in preparing for the day. Now your job is simply to enjoy the day.

Third: in looking at the pictures yesterday, I realized big things like graduations/weddings/reunions never go like we imagine them. My imagination is rarely realistic. Even though these events don't go as I imagined them, they are still great Especially, if I don't let myself compare reality to my unrealistic imagination. 

Her graduation was perfect, weather, speaker, dinner afterward, etc. Even moving out her freshman sibling from his on-campus dorm before graduation worked great. Looking at the pics though, I remember the stress I felt when my camera malfunctioned and wouldn't zoom. Of course, we were sitting as far as possible from where my daughter ended up sitting. I had another lens and took non-zoom pics,  but there is no way to find my kid in the sea of caps and gowns. I know she was in front of a large group of ROTC grads sitting together, so I can pick out the row at least. The pictures also reminded me of the stress my daughter felt when she realized she had forgotten her bobby pins and how long it took her younger brothers to run to her apartment and back with bobby pins. The pics remind me that I was annoyed when she informed me that she wasnt able to wear whatever she was to wear for Phi Kappa Phi, because she didn't pay dues senior year. (She was selected junior year.) I'm sure in another few years, I will forget these things and only remember the perfect parts of the day...which really was absolutely perfect. I may even forget that freshman sibling was charged a late check-out fee, because he forgot to tell the right person he had a sibling graduating.

Anyway, enjoy the weekend and remember it is perfectly okay for your focus to be only on your son.

P.S. if something does go wrong medically with your in-laws, all you need to do is call 911 and then go on to wherever you need to be. The medical professionals will handle everything. (If it doesn't need an ambulance, Uber/Lyft will also work. My daughter took an Uber to Stanford Medical center while on a business trip to her company's headquarters. She had a late-night anaphylactic reaction in her hotel room after a team building event. She had no trouble at the hospital even though she was there by herself.)

Another PS, if the original hotel started with an S and was 8 letters, you did the right thing in moving your in-laws. My daughter, who spent her childhood staying at questionable motels, stayed there her first business trip to headquarters and called me to complain about it.

 

 

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I hope the commencement was amazing and you were able to rejoice in your son's accomplishments. 

Huge congratulations from our family.

[Hoggirl]

Reporting back after a successful commencement weekend!  My father-in-law had no mishaps - hooray! He did bring a cane and used it *most* of the time.  The disadvantage of it was that he waved it around a lot. E.g. pointing and waving it at a group of graduates asking, “Which one of you can take the best pictures?” (In his grumpy and demanding voice) when we needed a photo taken of all of us (in which I later realized he stood in front of mother-in-law). We all had to dodge it a bit during the weekend - lol. He refused the wheelchair shuttle offer made when we entered the stadium.  We seated them in the limited mobility section and sat elsewhere. 

The golf cart was invaluable. Without it, there is no way he could have made it to the diploma ceremony after the commencement ceremony in the stadium. They would have needed to have chosen one or the other to attend. We used it all over campus on Saturday  for getting to Baccalaureate and general touring. We were able to see so much more than we could have otherwise.  Renting it was money well-spent.  

It was pretty hot at Baccalaureate on Saturday but blessedly overcast at Commencement on Sunday.  We were VERY fortunate in that regard. 

All in all, he complained much less than I expected, though I imagine mother-in-law received plenty.  On the other hand, he certainly did not express much gratitude for our efforts. We paid for their hotel room for three nights, the golf cart, almost all meals (including the “fancy” one - he did thank us for that), provided wine, beer, and snacks for their room, and drove them everywhere in our rental car.  Mil was gracious and appreciative as always, thanking me profusely for all I had done.  She clearly was trying to make up for his lack of expressed appreciation.  One would think after 30 years, I would know not to expect any. 

Ds was glad they attended, and that is what matters most. In-laws arrived home Monday and fil has his surgical procedure (that he delayed so he could attend commencement) on Wednesday. Thank you for helping me through this journey. 

We helped ds get all of his stuff to L.A. and put it in storage there. He is spending the summer traveling in SE Asia with friends before starting his job there in mid-September  . Dh and I are on the road to Vegas for some well-earned R&R!! 

 

[Selkie]

I'm glad it all worked out! Your FIL sounds a lot like mine.

[Laura in CA]

Thanks for the update! I'm so glad it (basically) worked out (lol about waving the cane) and that your son was glad to have them there. I followed this thread (and your earlier one) avidly b/c we faced similar issues at back-to-back graduations this year (which we survived – whew!).

I did notice that your sweet MIL is peeking out from behind FIL in the group photo ... ?

Just curious – so, most people walked from the stadium to the various departmental ceremony venues?

And enjoy a well-deserved vacation in Vegas! 

[RootAnn]

2 hours ago, Selkie said:

I'm glad it all worked out! Your FIL sounds a lot like mine.

And mine! (Minus the understanding & sweet MIL as she died before we were married. But, at least she doesn't have to deal with him anymore.)

What did your ds do for the Wacky Walk? And how was Sterling Brown?

So, so, so, soooooo glad it went better than you feared. Enjoy your R&R!

[MerryAtHope]

So glad it worked out!

[Kassia]

What a relief that it all worked out well!  Hope you and DH have a wonderful time together!  Thanks for the update!  

[daijobu]

“Which one of you can take the best pictures?” 

LOL!  I love it!  

Congratulations to your son...and you!  You are a much better DIL than me!  

Isn't it great when you can laugh about it now!  

[Hoggirl]

Yes, walking between the two is the only option unless people drive and re-park or rent a golf cart as we did. The website makes it VERY clear (as do the numerous emails sent ahead of time) that there is NO transportation between the two. 

Ds snd his friends dressed as Greek gods for the Wacky Walk. Ds was Poseidon. 

Sterling K. Brown was phenomenal!   I’ll see if I can find and link the article that contains be a couple of video clips. 

Here is one: 

https://news.stanford.edu/2018/06/17/sterling-k-brown-award-winning-actor-tells-stanford-graduates-not-afraid-let-lights-shine/

It has a video excerpt from the speech as well as a short video of some Wacky Walk highlights. 

 

[Lilaclady]

Congratulations. Glad it all worked out and your DS had a great time. I am sure you all will treasure the memories.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I'm so glad things went well.  Huge congratulations to your kid.  Have a well deserved rest on vacation.