Jump to content

Menu

How do you manage a non-compliant child?


Recommended Posts

DS is 11.5. I would describe him as generally non-compliant, but NOT defiant. Meaning, he would never flat-out refuse to do something, be very defiant, be intentionally disrespectful, or deliberately do something he had been told not to do.

 

However, he certainly does not have a desire to do anything just to please another. He will resist or argue doing most things, although he will do them with repeated direction. He does not really make much of an effort to do a good job, he does the minimum he can get away with, and sometimes barely even that.

 

By the end of the day, I feel so tired of him. It wears me away constantly having to tell him over and over to do things, the backtalk or questioning of everything, the general slacker attitude and habits.

 

Advice? Good books to read? :confused:I should add that DS does have raging ADHD, which I am sure adds to the problem, but is not an excuse.

Michelle T

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Passive - aggressive disobedience is still disobedience. We have one with a raging case of passive-aggressiveness. At one time I was afraid that I had somehow "caused" him to be this way - but his sister (who was raised the same way!) is not like this at all! No, this is just his sin-nature tendency (or character flaw if you want to characterize it that way). So I have to call him on all sorts of things even though on the surface he is pleasant and nice. Choosing not to do the RIGHT thing is still choosing to do the wrong thing, even when the choice is subtle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He will resist or argue doing most things, although he will do them with repeated direction. He does not really make much of an effort to do a good job, he does the minimum he can get away with, and sometimes barely even that.

 

I have an 11.5 yr old boy with raging ADHD too ;) so I know what a challenge this can be at times.

 

I would have to realize that *I* had allowed my son to even think of arguing with me or not do what he is asked. My husband would also step in with a son of that age and inform him that he is, in no uncertain terms, to disrespect his wife (me) in any way.

 

If that didn't solve it (and trust me, it would) then dad would probably deal with it father to son in the 'woodshed'. You did not state that if you were anti-spanking or not, so there you have it. ;)

 

I'm sure I'll be reprimanded for this ... even though I am not the one asking for advice. :rolleyes:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DUCT TAPE! LOL

 

Seriously, I have an 11.5 also who is trying to mark his territory lately. I have to remind him of the birth order rules. I gave birth, therefore I rule. He's a good boy, but questions every decision I make. I have to remind him to be respectful to me and not moan when he's asked to do chores. Ironically he is dream child in public and other people's houses.

 

I have three kiddos with ADHD (#3 dx this week). It's a monster PITA. Sometimes I wonder if it affects the hearing (jk). Repeat each expectation until I'm blue in the face. Unlike the PP, spanking doesn't work--at least in our home. Tried, and failed; I'm not opposed, but it was ineffective. The most effect tools I have: a) hold face gently and force child to look into my eyes, and then repeat the words; b) threaten "to be unplugged" (lose ALL electronic equipment).

 

And when all else fails, DUCT TAPE :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Get Cynthia Tobia's "YOu Can't Make Me But I can Be Persuaded". My ds who is 8 1/2 is very defiant and lazy. He is a struggle. I have to make threats to get him to focus on his work or do do something he doesn't want to do. It is very difficult to have to fight him every day. But it is like Jean said. It is his sin-nature tendency working with his strong will. It is our job as parents to raise him up to be the leader he is meant to be. God help us! We have 3 girls too, but they are girls and tend to do their work quicker, and therefore it is less of a struggle. But they have that strong will too. (I am sure it will be fun in the teenage years....hormones and all.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some kids need more carrrot, some more stick. (not being literal here)

Recognize when he wants to pull you into conflict. State what you want him to do, then let it stand. Try walking away, if you can--you will notice he won't be able to stand this, and may actually follow after, trying to re-engage.

 

Here's a website I found helpful

 

Discipline bookmark

 

Take what I say with a grain of salt--I've got one in JDC as we speak, who has real authority issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say I manage each situation individually. My 11.5 yr old son (gifted, maybe somewhat adhd) has been EXTREMELY intense and emotional since birth. Somewhat immature for his age. Hates pencils & melts down easily. UGH! My oldest dd was very difficult as well, so I've survived 1, and figure I'll survive this one as well. BTW oldest dd is lovely and gracious now, and equal to almost any occasion, so there is hope. I learned that I have to be totally calm in dealing with my ds. Very dispassionate. Not uncaring or hardhearted, but non-engaging. My son will literally scream on occasion when I tell him its time to do xyz (as my dds wryly comment "it's the sound of ultimate suffering"....think princess bride, LOL), and he is just very volatile on occasion. He hates when I calmly remind him of consequences. He will argue to the death (almost literally). And then, on occasion, he'll show his angelic side for awhile.....say 2 hrs :). You know, there are many that say, "well, I just don't allow them to do xyz - we just don't allow it", but I've come to the conclusion that I can "not allow" whatever I please, but that doesn't keep my ds from trying it again and again. I just try to be relatively consistent in not letting things go. Meaning, there will ALWAYS be consequences when the dust has cleared. My dds get frustrated with me sometimes because they want to see the little pest get it NOW, but It can't always happen that way. He's just not in his right mind when he is ramped up/frustrated/angry. He can be the sweetest kid, but it ain't when he's in the middle of meltdown. I go for the heart issues. We talk a lot about humility, repentance, restitution, maturity, being a man, handling discipline correctly etc. It is exhausting, as you know. But I manage. I live for the moment to a certain degree. Wildly celebrating the good moments, and allowing myself to enjoy them without regret. Determinedly dealing with the bad moments. Keeping on. Encouraging every little glimmer of growth I see in him. Its definitely a process. My goal during a bad session is to end with repentance and "I love you". Also, I try to remember that dealing with his heart is a more important task than any schoolwork. So if we need to go through the discipline cycle 5x during the day and don't get anything done (or he has to make it up at a bad time for him), thats ok. And I'm seeing little (very very tiny) glimmers of greatness. Sigh. Anyway, catch me in 10 years and I'll let you know whether anything I've just said was of any value. Only the Lord knows.

Kayleen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The best advice is remember to be consistent. Write out what expected and what the consequence will be and go over this with the child and post it where they will see it as a reminder. If he loses X for 7 days write on a calendar when he gets X back. If he has to wash windows for doing or not doing something write that out. Be consistent!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...