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Need new techniques to get them on board...


Targhee
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...for a purge.

Sorry this is long.

We have done purges before, a few times, but here’s the situation now. We moved almost two years ago, and we were not sure how long it would take us to find a house - well we should have our house built by Christmas (that’s good) but it means that we are still in the rental. That is small. That is dirty (stained, deep dirty that I scrubbed to death before moving in but still won’t come out, but it was the only place that would allow our dog and our family of 6 in this smaller town). 

So, I am going crazy at this point because 1) there are still boxes half unpacked, 2) too much stuff for the space we are in (we lost 600 square feet), 3) accumulated stuff that just happens (too many clothes because kids keep growth spurting and the weather is fickle so all seasons of wear out, gimmicky crap from school/activities likes free ugly T-shirt’s and logo-plastered frisbees and homemade bath bombs and we have no tub I would let anyone bathe in, and all the junk kids have collected from the yard and neighborhood to make things out of like old garden tools and sections of wire, and all the other stuff that just seems to accumulate), 4) 4 out of 6 in my household have ADHD and struggle *more than normal* to manage their personal items and do their jobs so things are always everywhere, and 5) our family schedule is crazy whacky right now and so not much is getting done in terms of maintenance and upkeep.

We need to purge!!!!

My obstacles: there’s always resistance to this process because people like stuff and don’t like change, and lets face it it’s hard work. The executive function issues which come with adhd make it hard to make lots of decisions and stay on task so it is incredibly draining on us all.  But my even bigger issue now is anxiety - my kids have been anxious and uncertain and need a sense of stability. This move was not what we were expecting, it was very big, and we have actually had to move three times in the last 2 years.  The anxiety is serious (three have underlying amxieties even without the stress of moving) and one thing they tend to do when anxious is to cling to their stuff. My in-laws are not hoarders but pretty close and I think it’s partly genetic-related-anxiety that I see in my kids manifested in clinging to material things (even scraps of paper, old things that are too worn out or don’t fit, duplicate items, etc).

So how do I get them on board to purge this time?? How do I do this without rocking their already rocky little worlds? How do I keep them working through it when it is emotionally (and focus-wise) exhausting? Threats are not helpful (only fuels their anxieties). Rewards are too removed compared to the immediate things in their possession that give them some degree of solace. Reasoning they have all heard, and if you know anything about anxiety you know it doesn’t give a $h!t about reason. I actually think that if it is done in a healthy way, without triggering any severe anxiety, the end results will have a calming and peaceful and comforting effect - to be in a home that is simpler, where you can find your things, it’s easier to clean, and you don’t have to live in the mess.

Thanks for listening to my request for help/vent. Ideas mindful of anxiety grateful appreciated.

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Here are two things that helped my dc to sort without as much anxiety:

1) For each dc I put in a pile just those things that I thought they were done using.  Then, they went through that pile and decided what needed to stay and what could go.  All the rest of their stuff was "safe," and they were the ones making the decisions about the pile.  Limiting the choices to just one pile of stuff instead of everything they owned seemed to help.

2) We painted their rooms.  Each time, we removed EVERYTHING and put all their stuff in another room.  Then, when it was time to put it away, they started with the things that mattered to them the most and gave each a special spot.  At some point in the process, they decided their rooms were full enough and that they didn't need to keep the rest - even things that a few days before they were stressed about removing from their rooms.

 

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1) If possible, go in and purge without them around. I’m not talking about sneaking in and throwing away their beloved snugglies, but I’ve found I can throw away A LOT of stuff without them noticing/caring. In my experience, if they are standing there, they won’t have the ability to say ‘Sure, toss it’ even if it’s some rock or piece of paper they didn’t even know they had. BUT, if you toss it without their presence, they never remembered they even had it. Obviously this only works with all of that junk that just doesn’t really need to be around. 

2) Get one of those big rubbermade totes and tell each one that they can put their most prized possessions in it to keep. But just the one (or two...whatever you need), but when it’s full that’s it. This only works if you’re there with them helping with the sorting. (Otherwise they’ll try to put *everything* in it). This also works best when number 1 above has been done already. 

My DS might have sacks, backpacks, bags, etc filled in the back of his closet with rocks, sticks, mcds toys, papers, etc. I’d be able to tell it was from long ago and would never be missed. This is what I’m talking about in number 1. 

Good luck! I know it isn’t easy. 

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This is really tough. For younger kids, I think doing the quiet culling of things that they're not using is okay - basically the above suggestion. But you're talking about tweens and teens mostly, right? A 13 yo who is clued into that stuff is going to notice you removing stuff the way a 6 yo just won't. And if this is tied to anxiety for them, I think you have to tread very carefully. They feel out of control. Removing things without them realizing it is just going to exacerbate that.

I think I'd talk to them about it and make it clear that they're in control and decide what to part with. But they have to part with, say, a box worth of stuff. Or two boxes. Or whatever makes sense - a box worth of clothes and a box worth of other things. Whatever. Nothing overwhelming, but  just make a start on it.

I think I'd also think of it as a temporary measure. In a mere 6-7 months, you're moving again. Moves naturally purge things. It can't be helped. It's not worth it to do a massive reorganization in a home you don't own and will be leaving in a mere half year. If you can, I'd just conceive of this as a stopgap to get you to that point where you can all resettle.

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29 minutes ago, Farrar said:

This is really tough. For younger kids, I think doing the quiet culling of things that they're not using is okay - basically the above suggestion. But you're talking about tweens and teens mostly, right? A 13 yo who is clued into that stuff is going to notice you removing stuff the way a 6 yo just won't. And if this is tied to anxiety for them, I think you have to tread very carefully. They feel out of control. Removing things without them realizing it is just going to exacerbate that.

I think I'd talk to them about it and make it clear that they're in control and decide what to part with. But they have to part with, say, a box worth of stuff. Or two boxes. Or whatever makes sense - a box worth of clothes and a box worth of other things. Whatever. Nothing overwhelming, but  just make a start on it.

I think I'd also think of it as a temporary measure. In a mere 6-7 months, you're moving again. Moves naturally purge things. It can't be helped. It's not worth it to do a massive reorganization in a home you don't own and will be leaving in a mere half year. If you can, I'd just conceive of this as a stopgap to get you to that point where you can all resettle.

You’re right that I can no longer just remove things on the sly, and that it would increase their anxiety.  I think your point about giving them control is spot on, thank you.

I know that we are moving again in 7 months, and moves do create purging opportunities, BUT we will be doing it in a snowy winter and during holidays - we need to get things purged now so that it’s easier to move then. And thinking “this is only temporary” is one reason it’s become so bad.  Our kicking the can down the road for thinning things out has been going on for nearly two years - I can’t do it anymore, it’s affecting my mental health.

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Here’s what worked for my pack rats. We rearranged everything like I had kids trading rooms and all so everything had to come out of the room. So we emptied it. When it came time to put things back we did it slowly. I told my kids to notice the space and how organized it was. They liked that. It took several days and they lived in it and saw the difference when they could breathe and find things. So I took pictures and then went wouldn’t you like this feeling all the time? So let’s think carefully about what we put in here so we we can keep this feeling. And we revisit the pics of the nice neat room when things get cluttery. “ remember this feeling? Want me to help it come back?” And most of the time it’s a yes.

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Would a little money motivate them? If you see a kid hesitating to part with something for no apparent reason, "Can I buy it from you for a quarter?" [which you pull right out from your pocket and hold out] might be the little push to part with it. That "Spring Festival 2016" t-shirt might be your new reusable shopping bag, or maybe it's worth the $.25 to you to get it in a donation box.

Obviously this could get expensive with older kids and bigger piles, but it might be a start, especially for items a kid isn't really attached to.

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23 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Would they agree to holding a yard sale if they got to keep the money from selling their stuff?

I think the olders might, that’s a good idea.  What about the stuff they’re hanging on to of no real value to anyone else? That’s the trickiest!

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1 hour ago, Targhee said:

I think the olders might, that’s a good idea.  What about the stuff they’re hanging on to of no real value to anyone else? That’s the trickiest!

Give a really good friend money to come and "buy" it, take it down the street, and place it in the nearest dumpster?

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I'm in the middle of a purge for my two 11-year-old girls.  I thought I would get push-back, but honestly, they are just glad to let me clear the crap out without putting too much of the work on them.

It may help to put a positive spin on it, i.e., is it time to donate this to ___ who can really use it?  Maybe you could make some money selling some things at ___ sale?

You could pull out boxes of stuff for them to go through and say "here are some empty bins for you to store all the stuff you really want to keep.  You have __ days after which I am going to donate / throw out everything that you haven't moved from these boxes to these bins."

But for anything they haven't really used in the past 6 months or so, most likely they won't even notice it's gone.  If they do and they think they care, say something vague like "some things might have gotten lost in the move."

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A few thoughts:

1.  I did not understand the impact of anxiety a few years ago.  If this does trigger anxiety, I think that's a cue towards seeking professional help.

2. Breaking down a big and vague task like "clearing clutter" is a huge ball of wax. Start simply.  "You've grown. Let's go through your clothes together and see what still fits.  I want to make a list of what I'll need to buy with the back to school sales--so we're clearing everything out including underwear and socks so we can see what will need to be replaced. I want to make sure you have 5 days worth of play clothes and 2 church outfits (or whatever)." This type of conversation is reassuring to my kids--they know what we are doing and why.  The first time we did this there was some worry that clothing wouldn't be replaced with stuff they liked, so we had specific discussions on that point. 

Likewise, when it's time to clean a bedroom, we explain what the steps are....we first strip the beds and start washing the bedding...then we clean out everything from under the bed and off the floor.  All dirty laundry goes to the laundry room, trash is picked up, any stray water cups go to the sink....and once we are assured that everything belongs in the bedroom, stuff is sorted away.  There are some papers that *I* would not keep, but everyone gets a small bin for papers and memorabilia that they can put whatever in as long as it's not a food wrapper (ie super special gum wrapper, etc.). 

My kids are all really horrid at naturally organizing themselves so we went to IKEA and bought a kallax bin system for one bedroom and a trofast system for the other. (Everyone has shared bedrooms). Everyone has labeled bins for what goes where, and for the younger children there are photo labels.  I go through the bins with the kids 4x a year or so, but the notion of everything having a place is key for long-term maintenance.

3. Purge and then repack as much as you can.  We've lived in three different states in three years....and this fall we bounced between temporary apartments and Air BnBs while we waited to close on our house. My kids actually handled this fall like rockstars because everyone had a simple shared suitcase of clothes, and one small bin of their precious things.  Owning less stuff is VERY freeing....and no one really missed anything packed.  If anything, they realized that they can get by with much less. 

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What if you did it by categories?  Books one day, clothes another, toys another. Also, keeping the process simple and risk free might help with the anxiety. What if your piles are:

keep

trash

donate

maybe

Even if they don’t toss/donate a ton, every little bit helps when multiplied by six people. Also, the ‘maybe’ boxes can at least be sealed and packed away so their contents aren’t strewn about the house. 

Maybe ice cream as a reward for finishing a category? And only doing one category per day?

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I encourage my kids to take pictures of things they like but have no space for. 

I also say, "I think you don't love this any more. But if you think you do, you need to designate a space for it." Often that leads them to realizing they don't love the thing enough to give it a home. 

Obviously there are kids that this won't work for, but it works fairly well with my run-of-the-mill packrat. Whereas before it was too much work to declutter, it becomes too much work to keep.

Emily

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Lots of.great ideas.  This is a never ending battle here at my house.

One thing that helped was to lay out the clothes and they got to pick x number to keep of each type of item and then I would add in a few of my choice so that they would have a few nicer things, etc.  That gave them some control.

 

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