Help me deal with terrible anxiety and stress, please!

[dsmith]

I'm having a really hard time with anxiety since my mother-in-law's fall down a flight of stairs on April 30th. It was a horrible scene to walk into - her at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and bleeding with her head right against the wall and her feet going up the stairs. Whenever I think about it I can see it as clear as day in my mind, and my stomach gets all knotted up, my blood pressure definitely increases and I just feel very stressed. I've had a few dreams about it, too. Every time something happens at rehab with her (she has been suddenly sounding like an Alzheimer's patient and then going back to normal anywhere from an hour to 24 hours later) my husband runs up there and I'm home feeling completely stressed and worried, at times in tears. On top of this, my father-in-law has been having a problem with too much mucus while eating, causing him to gag, belch, choke, inhale liquids, vomit, etc. and I am absolutely terrified to be left alone with him at dinner time. I suggested he get up from his nap 30 minutes before dinner and that has helped - no episodes yet while I am alone with him but I still have the stress of it. His legs are also a mess - he seriously looks like he is headed for amputation. (He has badly controlled diabetes.) And on top of that I have been managing my neighbor's care for cancer and a serious heart condition. This means shopping, some cooking, scheduling appointments, filling up his pill organizer, doing laundry, going to appointments with him and taking notes, meeting with home care when they come, etc. I had been taking care of his finances while he was in the hospital and rehab, but I decided that he could take that over today. He has nobody else besides me and dh to help him, but dh has been busy with mil and has limited time to help with the neighbor. Meanwhile we have 2 businesses and I am very far behind with my work, the house is a complete disaster and the plumber is coming tomorrow to check out a few issues in our filthy bathrooms (couldn't he schedule them for after the weekend?!?!). I've been sleeping 3 hours a night for 3 - 4 nights in a row with a 7 hour catch-up night, I'm exhausted and worried my MS is going to flare with all of this going on. Also, my blood pressure is up enough that I should probably go back on bp meds, which make me feel like crap. The other morning I just completely lost it and couldn't stop crying for almost an hour with a calm period and another hour of crying. 

I decided to start taking fluoxetine again, and I've even had to take a few Xanax here and there. I take Natural Calm twice a day and have been doing various meditations, especially a Healing from Trauma and Anxiety one from The Meditation Podcast. I don't know what else to do. Promised help rarely happens and thinking about that just makes me mad on top of anxious. I don't have time or money for therapy right now either. What else could I be doing?

 

[itsheresomewhere]

My opinion will it be popular but you have way too much on your plate.  DH needs to take over his parents now. You need to take care of yourself now.  Your health is not something that to recover one day.  MS is not something to mess with. All the stress, a flare is right around the corner. 

Starting this weekend, DH takes the kids for a day/some hours and let you relax, de-stress, nap, read, etc.  Take that me time without any guilt. The kids are probably old enough to take charge of a bathroom ( on phone so I don’t see any tags or ages). It may not be perfect but they will do a good job.  One of mine does a much better job at windows than I do. 

Is it possible for you to get an home health aide for a few hours a week to help with the in-laws especially if MIL comes home.  When FIL goes back to a doctor, make sure they know about his mucus issues. 

Last but not least- hugs to you 

[dsmith]

23 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

My opinion will it be popular but you have way too much on your plate.  DH needs to take over his parents now. You need to take care of yourself now.  Your health is not something that to recover one day.  MS is not something to mess with. All the stress, a flare is right around the corner. 

Starting this weekend, DH takes the kids for a day/some hours and let you relax, de-stress, nap, read, etc.  Take that me time without any guilt. The kids are probably old enough to take charge of a bathroom ( on phone so I don’t see any tags or ages). It may not be perfect but they will do a good job.  One of mine does a much better job at windows than I do. 

Is it possible for you to get an home health aide for a few hours a week to help with the in-laws especially if MIL comes home.  When FIL goes back to a doctor, make sure they know about his mucus issues. 

Last but not least- hugs to you 

Thanks for the hugs! Dh is in a similar situation - he has been doing a lot with mother-in-law, along with finding doctors for his dad's situation. Yesterday he was at the rehab twice for a total of 3 hours, on the phone constantly with doctors, etc. She is a long way from coming home. We feel terrible but she hates it there. The last 24 hours have been horrible with her - she suddenly thought she was at Dunkin Donuts with friends from 40 years ago, then at a place where she used to live, her mother is still alive, etc. This went on for 24 hours and suddenly she is back to herself. This is hitting dh really hard. I'm basically handling mostly the neighbor with some assistance from dh and ds, while dh is handling his mom and dad with some assistance from me. I'm having trouble with the memory of finding her at the bottom of the stairs - dh thinks it's like a mild PTSD or something. And just the general stress of everything else going on!

I only have one special needs son, and adult but mostly functioning at the level of a teenager. He has been wonderful through all of this but also feeling very worried about his Nana. He has always been a caring soul and at times a real pain in the butt, lol, but he has really gone out of his way and out of his comfort zone to be helpful. Cleaning a bathroom is not going to happen with him though. 

[Mergath]

41 minutes ago, dsmith said:

Thanks for the hugs! Dh is in a similar situation - he has been doing a lot with mother-in-law, along with finding doctors for his dad's situation. Yesterday he was at the rehab twice for a total of 3 hours, on the phone constantly with doctors, etc. She is a long way from coming home. We feel terrible but she hates it there. The last 24 hours have been horrible with her - she suddenly thought she was at Dunkin Donuts with friends from 40 years ago, then at a place where she used to live, her mother is still alive, etc. This went on for 24 hours and suddenly she is back to herself. This is hitting dh really hard. I'm basically handling mostly the neighbor with some assistance from dh and ds, while dh is handling his mom and dad with some assistance from me. I'm having trouble with the memory of finding her at the bottom of the stairs - dh thinks it's like a mild PTSD or something. And just the general stress of everything else going on!

I only have one special needs son, and adult but mostly functioning at the level of a teenager. He has been wonderful through all of this but also feeling very worried about his Nana. He has always been a caring soul and at times a real pain in the butt, lol, but he has really gone out of his way and out of his comfort zone to be helpful. Cleaning a bathroom is not going to happen with him though. 

 

You should listen to him. PTSD isn't just something you get from being in war or at gunpoint. Any traumatic experience can cause it, and they think some people might be more genetically susceptible to it, especially if you already have a history of anxiety.

I agree that you have way too much for one person (or heck, even two people!) to deal with. You need to lighten your load, get more sleep, and think about seeing a therapist to help you work through it.

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with the mild PTSD. I have a similar reaction to trauma - I deal with the problem like a machine in the moment, and then am haunted by it for weeks/months/years later depending on the issue. If you have ANY counseling benefits - now would be the time to use them. Self care - physical and mental - must come first. What will everyone do if your MS flares? You matter too. Your sleep will improve if you can treat the PTSD.

There are problems that can be solved with money. Can you hire a cleaning service? Have groceries delivered? Can your neighbor afford that?

Are there resources available to help with your neighbor? Some kind of social service like Options For Seniors that connects the elderly to the services they need to stay in their home? As you know, there's only so much that you'll be able to do if he declines. Can he take an Uber to appointments?

Hugs to you. 

 

[dsmith]

6 hours ago, NorthwestMom said:

I agree with the mild PTSD. I have a similar reaction to trauma - I deal with the problem like a machine in the moment, and then am haunted by it for weeks/months/years later depending on the issue. If you have ANY counseling benefits - now would be the time to use them. Self care - physical and mental - must come first. What will everyone do if your MS flares? You matter too. Your sleep will improve if you can treat the PTSD.

There are problems that can be solved with money. Can you hire a cleaning service? Have groceries delivered? Can your neighbor afford that?

Are there resources available to help with your neighbor? Some kind of social service like Options For Seniors that connects the elderly to the services they need to stay in their home? As you know, there's only so much that you'll be able to do if he declines. Can he take an Uber to appointments?

Hugs to you. 

 

I never could have imagined that I would be having this kind of reaction to the fall. I was absolutely like a machine while it was happening, cleaning up the blood afterwords (so much!) and waiting to hear from dh at the hospital. I was ok for the next 2 days I think, and then it hit me.

We have been having groceries delivered when we can't get to the store. Unfortunately we have been having a rough time with our businesses lately and money is tight right now, but there is a local mental health resource that has a sliding scale. Maybe I should put in a call... A social worker is coming today for the neighbor, so hopefully some assistance will be found. His income was about $8000 last year but that is too much for many services, so we're not expecting much. It doesn't help that he owns half of his house. 

Thanks for the hugs!

 

[ktgrok]

There is no pill you can take that will fix only sleeping for 3 hours. None. No magic meditation, no scripture reading, no miracle food. You ahve to sleep. It is a need, not a want. So figure that part out first. Your logical, rational thinking brain, the part that will help you control the anxiety, will not function without sleep. So the good news is, that is something free that will help almost immediately. The bad news is, you need to figure out how to get more sleep ?

Also yes, that sounds like PTSD. Get some sleep and that will help, and then see about EMDR when you can. 

Finally call your local elder services hotline for help for the neighbor (assuming he's elderly). 

[dsmith]

7 hours ago, Mergath said:

 

You should listen to him. PTSD isn't just something you get from being in war or at gunpoint. Any traumatic experience can cause it, and they think some people might be more genetically susceptible to it, especially if you already have a history of anxiety.

I agree that you have way too much for one person (or heck, even two people!) to deal with. You need to lighten your load, get more sleep, and think about seeing a therapist to help you work through it.

I've been reading up on PTSD, and I think I do fit into some of the symptoms. I never realized something like this could cause it - I always thought of soldiers and victims of violence, etc. After it happened I was worried that ds would be the one with severe anxiety about what happened, but he's been fine and I'm listening to everyone going up the stairs worried that they may fall...He's the one who heard the fall and woke us up, while I was the first one to see her like that. I've lived with anxiety my whole life, so maybe I am more susceptible to it. I managed to get a second night in a row of decent sleep, so I feel I can think more clearly about my situation at least.

[dsmith]

6 hours ago, StellaM said:

You are doing too much and sleeping too little. I seriously hate it when someone gives me that advice, because the response is 'tell me who's going to do it if I don't ?' but with MS I'd be thinking 'if someone else doesn't take some of this on, I am not going to be able to take anything on'.

1. Make sleep a priority. You cannot work for 20-21 hours a day without collapsing. You must put adequate sleep on the top of your daily to-do list! I have been trying to sleep, I'm just very successful at it, lol. I should also state that insomnia is a constant battle for me, it's just a lot worse recently.

2. Hire a cleaner. I am generally anti hire a cleaner, but if there was ever a situation that called for it, this is that situation. Money is tight, but I am seriously considering splurging for just one good cleaning. 

3. The neighbour - this burden needs to be shared. Does the neighbour have family ? Is the neighbour a member of a church ? Can more people be invited into this neighbour's care ? I don't know how things work where you are if the neighbour has no-one but you...is there a community group you can call ? He doesn't have anyone else, but members of our family promised help. (He really is like family to us - a 50 year relationship, and he has helped us so much over the years. It's a reciprocal thing - he would trim our hedges, we wash his laundry and drove him to work before this happened.) The family help has not happened with him - the most that has been done to help us has been taking my father-in-law to a few appointments. (Mil did this before her accident.) They will be here tonight, so we will be discussing things.

4. Make an appointment with your GP and talk to them about your ongoing anxiety re 'flashbacks' of your MIL's accident.  The anxiety and flashbacks may fade with time, or they may not. The GP is a good place to start re discussing how to deal, firstly in terms of getting adequate sleep and secondly, in terms of recommended therapy if required. I will do that today, thanks!

5. I'm not sure from your post what your role is in the two businesses, but is it possible to hire someone to take over your role in at least one, even short term ? Or for you to 'freeze' your role for a bit ? I do the bookkeeping for both businesses. Once I get all the invoicing out today it will be better. It's been very hard to concentrate when I do manage to sit at my desk.

I am feeling stressed and worried reading your responsibilities; I can't imagine how you are feeling. But if at all humanly possible, you must take some things off your plate, even if it's only for a few weeks so you can catch up on sleep, share out the work, and see the GP and maybe a therapist. I was very stressed writing out the post, but I actually felt better after I submitted it. I guess writing it out helped a bit! Dh and I talked last night about not scheduling anything for Fridays from now on so we have one day that we don't have to go anywhere. Thanks for your suggestions!

 

[G5052]

My story is long and complex, but this has been the story of my life for the last fifteen years, and it's not over by any means.

You need to do whatever is necessary to survive. Seriously. You probably need a combination of medication and practical helps to take some of the load off of you. Then you should plan on counselling. I know that all of this can be expensive, but sleep deprivation over a long period of time is going to affect your ability to cope and bring in significant health problems. For me, learning to truly let go of things I can't change and living truly in the moment is a key to my survival. One counsellor I saw helped some, but I started seeing one in the fall that really took me to where I needed to be. Now I just see her on an as-needed basis.

[ktgrok]

Are you taking any medication to help you sleep? That needs to be top priority. 

[dsmith]

2 hours ago, G5052 said:

My story is long and complex, but this has been the story of my life for the last fifteen years, and it's not over by any means.

You need to do whatever is necessary to survive. Seriously. You probably need a combination of medication and practical helps to take some of the load off of you. Then you should plan on counselling. I know that all of this can be expensive, but sleep deprivation over a long period of time is going to affect your ability to cope and bring in significant health problems. For me, learning to truly let go of things I can't change and living truly in the moment is a key to my survival. One counsellor I saw helped some, but I started seeing one in the fall that really took me to where I needed to be. Now I just see her on an as-needed basis.

I have been taking Xanax when I really need to get to sleep but I don't like to take it often - I already use it a few days a week for MS symptoms. I tried an audiobook on a timer last night, and it actually helped! I guess it's enough to occupy my mind so I don't keep dwelling on stuff. I put a call in to a local mental health facility that works on a sliding scale. Counseling is about $100 - $200/hr around here, so I'm hoping I can get a lower rate. Thanks for sharing your experience!

[dsmith]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Are you taking any medication to help you sleep? That needs to be top priority. 

Just Xanax occasionally. I don't even know what is out there for sleep nowadays. I plan on talking to my doctor about this. I'm usually against adding more meds, but I will if I have to. A few days of Natural Calm in the morning and evening has at least helped to lower my blood pressure. Still a little high but not enough to scare me. With all that's going on, I haven't been doing my morning workout - I'm wondering if that may be affecting my sleep also... I made sure I did it this morning.

[ktgrok]

49 minutes ago, dsmith said:

Just Xanax occasionally. I don't even know what is out there for sleep nowadays. I plan on talking to my doctor about this. I'm usually against adding more meds, but I will if I have to. A few days of Natural Calm in the morning and evening has at least helped to lower my blood pressure. Still a little high but not enough to scare me. With all that's going on, I haven't been doing my morning workout - I'm wondering if that may be affecting my sleep also... I made sure I did it this morning.

You can start with benedryl or over the counter Unisom and if that doesn't work ask your regular family doctor for something stronger. An audio book is a great idea. I also like rain sounds played on my phone or Amazon Echo. 

[sassenach]

For sleep- try the herb valarian. It is the only thing that has worked for both dh and I (and we have very different compositions). It does not leave me feeling hung over or groggy the next day. It’s a miracle herb in my books.

[Terabith]

Besides meds, I'd be tempted to look for a counselor for yourself who can do EMDR  therapy for PTSD.  Honestly, what you're describing sounds like textbook PTSD symptoms.  And try to get me time, kids to help with the house, etc.  

[6wildhorses]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's hard to be a caregiver when there are so many needs that must be met.

My naturopath put me on Kavinace ultra pm, and it helps me to fall asleep and stay asleep, as it calms down my brain. I had terrible insomnia before I started taking it. On nights when that's not quite enough, I also take 3 mg of melatonin. Sleeping with an eye mask also helps.

Theanine has also been a life saver. I take it 2-3 times a day, and it also calms down my brain. The brand I use is Thorne.

I recently had a crisis and needed something stronger, so my naturopath gave me Charlotte's Web (CBD oil). I went from a terrible mental state to feeling normal again. He also gave me some chewable GABA pills to take if I start having anxiety. 

I also wonder if there are some services available to help your family and neighbor. I would definitely explore options for help. However, I understand that sometimes life just throws too much at us at once, and we just have to muddle through the best we can. Hopefully if you can start sleeping again and calm down your brain, you'll feel more up to task.

[dsmith]

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

For sleep- try the herb valarian. It is the only thing that has worked for both dh and I (and we have very different compositions). It does not leave me feeling hung over or groggy the next day. It’s a miracle herb in my books.

Thanks, I will give it a try as long as it doesn't excite the immune system. I prefer the natural route if possible.

[dsmith]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

Besides meds, I'd be tempted to look for a counselor for yourself who can do EMDR  therapy for PTSD.  Honestly, what you're describing sounds like textbook PTSD symptoms.  And try to get me time, kids to help with the house, etc.  

Someone mentioned EMDR therapy upthread. It sounds very interesting, thanks.

[dsmith]

1 hour ago, 6wildhorses said:

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's hard to be a caregiver when there are so many needs that must be met.

My naturopath put me on Kavinace ultra pm, and it helps me to fall asleep and stay asleep, as it calms down my brain. I had terrible insomnia before I started taking it. On nights when that's not quite enough, I also take 3 mg of melatonin. Sleeping with an eye mask also helps.

Theanine has also been a life saver. I take it 2-3 times a day, and it also calms down my brain. The brand I use is Thorne.

I recently had a crisis and needed something stronger, so my naturopath gave me Charlotte's Web (CBD oil). I went from a terrible mental state to feeling normal again. He also gave me some chewable GABA pills to take if I start having anxiety. 

I also wonder if there are some services available to help your family and neighbor. I would definitely explore options for help. However, I understand that sometimes life just throws too much at us at once, and we just have to muddle through the best we can. Hopefully if you can start sleeping again and calm down your brain, you'll feel more up to task.

I will have to look everything up. Thanks for the suggestions. I've heard people use CBD oil for MS, so that could be an added benefit! 

We had a social worker visit today for our neighbor. It seems he only qualifies for one program that would cover Part D for medications, and a $250 a year credit towards his utility bill. I guess every little bit counts. I never realized that Meals on Wheels costs money! I could cook cheaper than that costs and the food may not be suitable for his dental situation. My sister is going to cook a few meals to keep in his freezer, so that's a help. 

[happi duck]

6 hours ago, 6wildhorses said:

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's hard to be a caregiver when there are so many needs that must be met.

My naturopath put me on Kavinace ultra pm, and it helps me to fall asleep and stay asleep, as it calms down my brain. I had terrible insomnia before I started taking it. On nights when that's not quite enough, I also take 3 mg of melatonin. Sleeping with an eye mask also helps.

Theanine has also been a life saver. I take it 2-3 times a day, and it also calms down my brain. The brand I use is Thorne.

I recently had a crisis and needed something stronger, so my naturopath gave me Charlotte's Web (CBD oil). I went from a terrible mental state to feeling normal again. He also gave me some chewable GABA pills to take if I start having anxiety. 

I also wonder if there are some services available to help your family and neighbor. I would definitely explore options for help. However, I understand that sometimes life just throws too much at us at once, and we just have to muddle through the best we can. Hopefully if you can start sleeping again and calm down your brain, you'll feel more up to task.

I'm not the op but...

What Charlotte's Web product do you use?  I've been wanting to try CBD oil.  The Thorne Theanine interests me too.  Thanks for posting!

[itsheresomewhere]

4 hours ago, dsmith said:

I will have to look everything up. Thanks for the suggestions. I've heard people use CBD oil for MS, so that could be an added benefit! 

We had a social worker visit today for our neighbor. It seems he only qualifies for one program that would cover Part D for medications, and a $250 a year credit towards his utility bill. I guess every little bit counts. I never realized that Meals on Wheels costs money! I could cook cheaper than that costs and the food may not be suitable for his dental situation. My sister is going to cook a few meals to keep in his freezer, so that's a help. 

A very good friend does CBD oil for her MS along with some supplements( no pharmaceuticals as she responses to natural better).  She has had a very good success rate with it. 

[dsmith]

2 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

A very good friend does CBD oil for her MS along with some supplements( no pharmaceuticals as she responses to natural better).  She has had a very good success rate with it. 

That's very encouraging! I'm not taking pharmaceuticals at the moment. I would really love to stick with natural! 

[Garga]

Wow, that’s a lot. Just wow. You have sooo much on your plate. I wish the hug emoji worked.  

I’m going to chime in and say that a lot of your issues go back to lack of sleep, possibly even the PTSD, though that might be flip to say so.  

Ktgrok is right: sleep isn’t a luxury or a want.  Sleep is a need.  Right now, you’re like a starving person.  Just like our bodies will get too skinny and start to shut down when we don’t get enough food, your brain will start to “shut down” when you don’t get enough sleep.  It’s real and affects every part of your life: anxiety, depression, heart issues, stroke, etc.  I’m not saying it’ll get rid of the PTSD, but such a tiny bit of sleep as you’re getting will have major effects on your mental health.  

And with the MS—yikes.  You need sleep.  It’s got to be a priority right now, if there’s any way to swing it.  Consistent 7.5 - 9 hours every night.  And I honestly do know that that’s a tall order.  I really know it is.

You should be getting between 52.5 and 63 hours of sleep a week. 

You’re getting between 25 and 31.  That’s just not sustainable without severe consequences.

[lmrich]

Can you talk to a medical social worker to get help for your neighbor? You must take something off your plate. You need to take care of yourself which is too hard right now. 

Can you get home health for your father-in-law for two days a week so you can move about more freely? Can you hire a cleaning service? Or maybe get one of those meal subscription boxes (although I don't think they are much easier); I am just trying to throw out ideas that will take something off your list of things to do. 

I hope you can get some rest soon. 

[dsmith]

I'm happy to report that I actually have had decent sleep for a few nights now! It has really made a difference with the anxiety. We have also worked out some different strategies for helping the neighbor with food and appointments. Sister-in-law will be handling taking her dad to church and some appointments during the week. We had a normal day today - did some grocery shopping and meal planning for us to make our week easier, caught up on some laundry and took time to watch a movie together. I feel much more relaxed tonight. Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support! Just 'talking' about it on here helped a lot. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

that is a lot. I have never been in a situation like yours, but I have had times of deep stress. Something I found helped with my inability to stop thinking over the situation was the opposet of meditation. I listened to The Pirates of Penzance with headphones. It drowned  out all brain conversation with myself. I would listen to the whole thing just before going to bed and I slept better to. I stopped reliving everything all night long.

 

Sorry for for spelling errors, my iPad has gone crazy

[justasque]

On 5/10/2018 at 11:47 PM, dsmith said:

The last 24 hours have been horrible with her - she suddenly thought she was at Dunkin Donuts with friends from 40 years ago, then at a place where she used to live, her mother is still alive, etc. This went on for 24 hours and suddenly she is back to herself.

 

Just wanted to add - while your MIL's behavior issues could be due to dementia, it could also be something simple like a UTI.  Or it could be some other problem, possibly related to her fall in some way - stroke would be another thing I'd want to rule out.  (Maybe the fall contributed to her current issues, but maybe the fall was caused by a medical issue rather than just being a misstep or slip.)  If she's in a nursing home, they are probably savvy about such things, but get your dh to double-check that they are looking for a cause for this behavior rather than just assuming it's dementia.  I don't want to add to your task list, but getting the diagnosis right could help her recover properly so there's less on you in the long run.