Not Worrying About Adult Kids Out Late

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

It's personality dependent for individuals, to some extent.  I don't know that it matters at the cultural level.  Our cultural expectations have moved considerably as this kind of tech has become ubiquitous, and that in itself affects people's perceptions.  There is a lot more anxiety around, especially around kids and parenting.  I  don't think it's chance that this has happened as we've developed the technology to monitor so closely.

A large number of people don't even realize that anything has changed.  So is their perception of being unaffected really accurate?  How would they know?

 

I don't think I am more anxious.  I think I am less anxious. Mostly because when I'm worried I can just check on the people I'm worried about.  And then I'm done.  I spend far less time calling & checking and worrying than I used to.

[Bluegoat]

Just now, Katy said:

 

I don't think I am more anxious.  I think I am less anxious. Mostly because when I'm worried I can just check on the people I'm worried about.  And then I'm done.  I spend far less time calling & checking and worrying than I used to.

 

I wouldn't say that is typical.  It's certainly not true at the level of a society - we're more anxious, particularly about risk and safety, than we've ever been.  I think it changed in the late 80s or early 90s, but it's ramped up more and more with cell phones and such.

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I don't think I am more anxious.  I think I am less anxious. Mostly because when I'm worried I can just check on the people I'm worried about.  And then I'm done.  I spend far less time calling & checking and worrying than I used to.

This is me.  I really do not stress more by checking an app. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do not stress about adults being out late. I don’t understand thinking of them as kids once they hit a certain age. 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I do not stress about adults being out late. I don’t understand thinking of them as kids once they hit a certain age. 

To me it isnt about age,

It is about  me being woke up when they come home too late. Interrupting my sleep.

[scoutingmom]

4 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

 

4 hours ago, Katy said:

 

I don't think I am more anxious.  I think I am less anxious. Mostly because when I'm worried I can just check on the people I'm worried about.  And then I'm done.  I spend far less time calling & checking and worrying than I used to.

 

I agree.  I'm sure my parents worried a lot at times.  And I worry some.

Now this is young teens, running errands with their Dad's iphone. (We are considering getting a phone for when a teen is out).    The first time they are doing something new, we might check the iphone location a couple of times.  But not once they have done it a bit, unless they are late or something.   A quick check is less obtrusive than calling them.  Plus the iphone is supposed to be put away unless using it, just so they aren't a target.  (The phone is just used to call us if needed... possibly to give info on an errand or whatever).

 

[teachermom2834]

16 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

 

People worried, but they did not worry more, which is my point.   And they also got over it for the most part, which is what happens when you have to learn to deal with the fact that you can't control certain things.  You just learn to let go.  In a big storm, etc, people might worry more, but people were not debilitated with worry that their 13 year old was off somewhere in the city on the bus, doing who knows what.  

The problem with a lot of these technology solutions is they train people to keep checking, to need reassurance, and give an illusion of control, so they increase and reward anxiety.

I agree. I was just telling someone that I figured out that all the technology increased my anxiety. I do have my high school driver and dh on Find my Friends. Dh has a long commute and heavy traffic and I would rather check where he is than call or text if he might be driving. He checks on me when I am on a road trip because I don’t fool with my phone while driving. So between us it is just convenience. I do still check that my teen made it safely to where he is going. When my oldest went to college I told him he could turn it off. He left it on for several months and it made it worse wondering why he was where he was. Who drove? When are they leaving? Etc etc. 

My 15 yo is not on a smart phone yet. One of the reasons is that he goes on a lot of trips and camps without us. At first I thought that would give me peace of mind to check where he was but when he went away without a phone I worried at first but then forgot about it, honestly. I would have been tracking him if I had it and that would have increased my anxiety.

I worry less about my kids when they are away. For me, there is something to just letting go and out of sight out of mind. Of course, I still worry in a general sense but tracking their movements makes it worse for me. 

But I agree there are different ways to go about it and it is a delicate dance we do with our young adults. I actually find myself ready for them to go away to college when it is time because the dance can be exhausting. 

[Katy]

A lot of our friends have been getting those watch devices for the kids that are too young for a phone.  They have 4-10 phone numbers programmed in (depending on the model), there's an option to text mom, "Come pick me up!" You can call them and it will automatically answer, you can track where they are on an app, and it will automatically alert you if they leave the neighborhood you designate.  So far everyone seems to love them, though several noted that the audio on a bike ride is almost impossible to make out.  The other thing is that it basically looks like a digital watch, so if your kid is at an activity that bans phones no one is going to take away their option to communicate with you. They're also waterproof.

[SarahCB]

10 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I do not stress about adults being out late. I don’t understand thinking of them as kids once they hit a certain age. 

I don't even stress about my teens being out late. Dd was never out late at all and then she went off to university at 17. Now I have an 18 year old ds who is often either out late or has friends in here late. I actually put ear plugs and a face mask on and go to sleep. I don't worry about what time he drives someone home or about what time he arrives home if he's out late. Maybe I'm a bad parent, but I don't give it a second thought. He'll be away at university in September anyway and I'm not planning on worrying about that, either.

[SarahCB]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

To me it isnt about age,

It is about  me being woke up when they come home too late. Interrupting my sleep.

Ear plugs. Face mask. I sleep like a baby regardless of who is coming or going.

[klmama]

23 minutes ago, Katy said:

A lot of our friends have been getting those watch devices for the kids that are too young for a phone.  They have 4-10 phone numbers programmed in (depending on the model), there's an option to text mom, "Come pick me up!" You can call them and it will automatically answer, you can track where they are on an app, and it will automatically alert you if they leave the neighborhood you designate.  So far everyone seems to love them, though several noted that the audio on a bike ride is almost impossible to make out.  The other thing is that it basically looks like a digital watch, so if your kid is at an activity that bans phones no one is going to take away their option to communicate with you. They're also waterproof.

Link?  This sounds like something a lot of people would want to investigate for kids who lose their phones!  

3 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

I actually find myself ready for them to go away to college when it is time because the dance can be exhausting. 

It is a relief to no longer be aware of their comings and goings once they move out.  We don't put tracking apps on our dc's phones, but we do ask that they keep phone location turned on and that we have record of their Google log-ins so that if they actually went missing we could go into their accounts to locate the phone/them.  They know we aren't reading their email, and they would want to be found if missing, so this works for us.  

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, klmama said:

Link?  This sounds like something a lot of people would want to investigate for kids who lose their phones! 

 

It's the LG Gizmo line.  Here's the Verizon links:

Gizmo Pal 2 (Base model, $80): https://www.verizonwireless.com/connected-devices/lg-gizmopal-2/

Gizmo Gadget ($150): https://www.verizonwireless.com/connected-devices/lg-gizmogadget/

[GinaPagnato]

Well, I do worry about my older teens/young adults, simply because they're not fully mature in many ways. Plus, they're driving late at night, and they have less years of driving experience under their belts, so obviously this is a concern (or else their premiums wouldn't be so high).

But I worry less with our technology because I can check on them and get instant feedback that all is well. I don't do it obsessively, but when needed or reasonable.

My mom was a nervous wreck when I was a teen/young adult. She would call my dorm room phone and if she couldn't reach me, she would start panicking. Texting would've been great for her. I think I worry a whole lot less than her.

[BeachGal]

My kids are all adults, youngest 20 and a junior in college. I no longer worry simply because ignorance is (usually) bliss. Back when they were younger, though, I did worry.

We did ask the kids to turn off the hall light when they got home but half the time, they forgot. What eventually worked was their sending us a smilie text when they got home.

[unsinkable]

I didn't know about all these programs because Fred Flintstone sold me my phone.

I'm always on my Gerbil Wheel of Worry, bc all kinds of bad sh!t happens all the time. It's not healthy but I think I had too much bad sh!t happen when I was too young and worry is my default emotion. 

With those things in mind...we have no system. They don't really tell me if they are home unless I happen to be awake. 

 

[LucyStoner]

I moved out when I was 17 and I never "moved back home."  For a variety of reasons, I doubt that will be the case or even a possibility for my sons. Partially this is because of ASD related stuff but mostly, economic.  We do not live in a housing market where an 18-year-old working a couple of part-time jobs and going to college can afford to live in their own apartment or even with a roommate comfortably.  Extended family living is on the rise here for economic reasons.  If they aren't in dorms or dorm-like apartments, they will probably be with us for awhile.  I'm not sure how I will navigate that BUT I definitely don't think that I was entitled to more privacy and freedom because I was able to live alone.  

I turn off the location tracking on my phone sometimes because I don't really feel the need to share my every location with my husband so something like Life360 is out of MY comfort zone as is.  

[GoodGrief]

15 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I do not stress about adults being out late. I don’t understand thinking of them as kids once they hit a certain age. 

 

I agree to an extent, and I was definitely on my own at 17 once I graduated. But a couple of things have made the transition to full fledged independent adulthood slower for my older two. First, the college financial aid system means that they are tied to us by necessity until they are through that stage of life. Some of their actions during this time can impact us in a negative way financially.  Ditto for health care. And our oldest had severe mental health issues until recently that required us to keep pretty close tabs on her for her safety (and, no, it didn't start out that way. But it became clear at age 19 that her survival depended on it. That sort of monitoring is not necessary now, thank goodness.)