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Mother's Day

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We ended up not going to my mom's as she and my dad are sick. So I feel badly about that. But we will go next weekend to celebrate with her, and I have a feeling she and my dad are enjoying a quite day together. 

Meanwhile, I honestly have had the very best mother's day ever. I woke up snuggling the baby and the 5 year old. And then the 5 yr old let the dogs out so I could snuggle longer. My DD7 left a sticky note that said Happy Mother's Day on the Keurig for me to find when I got up. DH fed the kids breakfast while I had coffee. And he got the baby dressed and diapered while I showered, even down to her cute silver sparkly shoes. then we all EVEN THE AGNOSTIC TEEN!!! went to church together, which was my one big wish. It was packed so we had to stand but that was fine...there were at least 75 other people standing too, many of them kids camped out on the floor...it was a lovely lovely sight. And then we stopped at a brand new coffee house that is on the way home and had delicious, locally roasted coffee and pastries before heading home to relax. 

I am truly blessed and very very very grateful. I can remember so many mother's days where I had one child, no husband, and felt I'd never have a big family to fill a pew. Today I did, and I realize how much of a blessing that is. 

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What I wanted: My two oldest daughters calling me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day (one didn't even call me for my birthday the other week). 

What I got: Baklava from my nouna (godmother). A corsage from the basket at church and picked out by my youngest daughter. Two books and a komboskini for my youngest daughter from the Church bookstore (one book is for her and one book is for me). Leftovers from GyroFest.

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So, I didn’t get much of anything.  Apparently the frame is a different “secret plan.” Lol

 

I will say that DH had a thought.  Which is better than previous years.  He fell short on execution.  He had been talking to the kids all week about taking them out shopping for mother’s day, and then it just didn’t happen.  

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I always want my kids to play violin for me. I'm talking Twinkles. Really. Since the semester hasn't ended yet, I wasn't going to see them, so I was hoping my kids would FaceTime me so I could see their faces, wish me happy MD, and, if they had time between studying for finals and papers and projects due, play a song or two. That's not what I got. 

At ~10pm last night DH said he needed to get something out of the car. He came back inside and said, "Come look at the stars with me." I had just put on my shoes and walked to where he was when a car came up the driveway. It was my children!

I had talked to ds yesterday. He said he was at the pool. I laid into him about not studying for his last final which I thought was Monday. DH "said" he had taken off work on Monday to go pick him up.  Ds got out of the car came towards me w/ a huge smile and his arms open wide to hug me and said, "Happy Mother's Day!" I felt like the biggest jerk! He's home for the summer. Color me happy. DD had something yesterday so that arrival time was the earliest it could be.

DD has much work left for grad school plus work and grading as a GSA. She left about an hour ago to return to her home. She is so busy and so stressed, that I can't believe it was her idea to bring ds home and surprise me. Dh played it all perfectly too!

As if seeing them wasn't enough they gave me a gorgeous journal AND they played 5 songs for me on their violins. 

Best Mother's Day ever!!!

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I really didn't want much.  Just to actually spend time with my children, who all live at home.  Nothing big, maybe a walk through a local botanical park and a game or something.  What I got ... a hug and a kiss from dh, oldest ds barely acknowledgin me, attending mass where everyone was all gushing about Mothers' Day and what fantastically thoughtful kids they had, a homily that was all "we thank our mothers" with only a nod to those who were having a crummy Mothers' day.  I didn't want to go to church because for this very reason.  Fought back tears the entire time.  Got home from mass and found that dd left to meet a friend to work on a project for school.  I haven't seen her yet.  K is in her room, not having come out yet. Oldest ds handed me a card at 4pm despite being home all day.  Dh is making dinner and I need to paste a smile on my face and not act as disappointed as I am.  I'd like to exist somewhere else for future Mother's Days.  K's illness has fractured our family and I am feeling that loss very deeply today.  2 of my kids are counting down the days til they leave for their futures.  

Somebody should have blocked social media in our house, so that I didn't have to see those cards, flowers, smiling faces of other people's children.

(Just yesterday, dd sat on my lap for the first time in years ... and it will likely be the last.)

Sorry to be such a downer.  I'm growing to hate holidays.  I just want to bingewatch something until they are over.

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Ellen, I'm so sorry!!!! I want to smack your DH and any of there others out there and tell them to wise up and take care of the mother of their children today! 

And hugs to not just you but all the women hurting today. I read something recently about how we cycle through good and bad times and it is hard to see others have a "good" time when we are in a bad time, but on the other hand, how much worse would it be if everyone was in a bad time at the same time...society wouldn't function and there would be no one to give us hugs or words of encouragement when we need them most. 

I don't know if that helps really, but it does make sense theoretically. 

Sending hugs. 

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I'm sorry that I came across begruding anyone a good Mother's Day.  I'm happy that others are having good days.  It's just hard having it all in your face and completely ignoring that this is a hard day for many.  I really needed to just hibernate with Netflix and not look at social media.  But, I'm lonely in my own household and crave human connection, so I just can't help myself.  

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14 minutes ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

I'm sorry that I came across begruding anyone a good Mother's Day.  I'm happy that others are having good days.  It's just hard having it all in your face and completely ignoring that this is a hard day for many.  I really needed to just hibernate with Netflix and not look at social media.  But, I'm lonely in my own household and crave human connection, so I just can't help myself.  

You didn't say anything wrong! You don't begrudge them their happiness, you are just sad you don't have it too. I'm feeling that way about all the graduation/college acceptance/etc announcements. It doesn't mean we are bad people, just human. 

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Well I got what I wanted—an outstanding defensive performance from my favorite catcher.  He caught 13 innings in 90+ degree heat, and he threw out what would have been the go-ahead run at 2nd to push the first game into extra innings, which we won.  Our boys were exhausted for game 2, so we lost it in a close one, but they played some great baseball this weekend.  All told, I watched 5 baseball games this weekend, four of his and one college game.  It was awesome!

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Well the kids were so nuts yesterday but the managed to make me feel so happy to be a mom at the end of the day.

 

My 2 oldest each composed a song that they played on their violins.

Middle wrote and sang  a song and made a card.

The next one danced for me

And the youngest one woke me up with a kiss and said      You are my best friend I love you so much.

 

Dh surprised me by booking our summer trip.

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Benny had a fever (fourth day of it) and threw up all over his stander.  That thing is the DEVIL to clean.  And I screamed my head off at my poor kids, because all this was happening with noise and a movie and a draining fish tank and I snapped.  That was awesome (not).

 

But the day before they did a bang up job with the combination birthday and mother’s day gifts, so I can’t complain too much. And my oldest very sweetly even cut me out some decorations:

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24 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

  And I screamed my head off at my poor kids, because all this was happening with noise and a movie and a draining fish tank and I snapped.  

 

At church the priest said the best thing a family could give mom for mother's day was to make it so she doesn't have to raise her voice. Three of my family members (the ones paying attention) actually laughed out loud. One mumbled "fat chance" under his breath. 

You are in good company ?

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My mother's day was very...mothery. 3 kids with high fevers, and all the grumps that go with it. They've been sick on and off for about ten days, and we were on vacation before that, so I am really, really needing a break. Also my in-laws are coming soon. Can't wait to hear what I've been doing wrong this time, how icky my cooking still is, how much harder it is to be a parent of adults (who live across the country and across the world) than it is to be a parent of youngsters, and how much family sucks (while looking at me).

However, DH got take-out from a really nice restaurant, bought me herbs because my gardening goal this year is to get really good at herbs, and he's building a garden box for the patio. I said he didn't have to build one himself, but I think he really wants to physically show his love and appreciation (he doesn't normally do hand-made gifts). The kids are helping as their fevers improve. It's very sweet.

I also recently got to spend some time with my mom. I think we may be slowly, slowly, heading toward a friendship-type of relationship. That's really special.

 

 

 

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I keep going back and forth about whether to post. I don't want to add another downer to the thread, and I recognize that my slightly yucky day was small potatoes compared to the challenges some of you had/are having. But I also wonder if it doesn't help those who also had somewhat yucky days to know that not "everyone else" was having a picture-perfect Mother's Day. So . . .

My day was not great. As I said earlier in the thread, all I really would have liked was a relaxed and pleasant day with my family. I knew that wasn't in the cards, and I thought I had my expectations set realistically low. However, I still managed to be left feeling sad by the way the day turned out.

My son and daughter have not been on speaking terms for several months, now, and there is no sign of that improving. I am working very hard not to take sides, with mixed success. Since my daughter lives in NYC (Brooklyn), it's not like they have to work hard to avoid running into each other in person, but the situation is still making life awkward and difficult. Most of the time, I just chug along coping with it, but the whole Mother's Day thing brought it into the foreground for me, largely because, unless I am very careful, I find myself feeling like I must have failed as a mom in some way in order for this to be where we are now. 

I work on Sundays, and I was actually glad for that distraction. I also knew that I wouldn't be getting anything like gifts from either kid. They are both broke and busy, and I have never encouraged making a big deal about Mother's Day. I did more or less assume, though, that both of them would touch base via text or phone. By mid-afternoon, despite the fact that I had texted each of the about unrelated things, neither had acknowledged the day.

Towards the end of my work day, my daughter texted to ask if I would be around to chat at any point. I told her I was working until 6:00 and that her dad and I intended to take advantage of the free meal for moms deal at a local Tex-Mex restaurant, but that I would be home after that. We agreed I would let her know when I was available. 

I had a busy day at work, during which random customers and co-workers kept wishing me a happy Mother's Day. So much for my theory about work being a distraction.

I came home and waited to get changed, assuming we would be heading out to the restaurant soon. It turned out, though, that my husband (and, for the record, I don't blame him -- I know he was trying for a nice surprise) had decided to bring home stuff from the Whole Foods salad and hot bar, instead. It was a nice thought, but I had been kind of looking forward to the other meal, and he made some weird choices, like putting on my salad vegetables that, after 30+ years, I kind of assumed he knows I don't like. 

After dinner, I let me daughter know I was ready to Skype. She did a perfunctory "Happy Mother's Day," but then spent the next 90 minutes or so talking about herself and her quarter-life crisis.

In the middle of the call, my son showed up at the front door to collect the package Amazon had delivered earlier. I left my husband chatting with our daughter while I took our son into another room to chat, since I know from experience that even having our daughter know he's around will send her mood into a tailspin.

My son said he could stay for only a few minutes, because he had to be at work early today, but he did wish me a happy day and give me a hug before he left.

That's when I started to cry.

So, yeah, nothing earth-shakingly awful, but I could just as soon have skipped the whole thing.

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I received a card from my youngest and my oldest got a five-minute phone call. The military at least gave them that although they all had it at once. Between that and the drill sergeant in the background, it was tough to hear. At least he'll be home in June.

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I'm sorry some of you are feeling bummed about this Mother's Day.  I hope the next one is better.

And I'm happy for those of you who had lovely surprises or non-surprises.

Personally I'm not that into Mother's Day, so I'm hard to disappoint on that day, shall we say.  This year it was on the same day as my best friend's birthday.  The only problem with that is, one of my kids has a major personality clash with my best friend.  However, she held it together a lot better than last year.  When she forgot herself and started getting cheeky, I reminded her that it was Friend's birthday and she shut up.

My friends always take my kids out to get me something for Mother's Day and my birthday.  They all like the fuss.  I really don't know when or if my kids will ever take the initiative themselves, LOL, but it doesn't really matter to me.  So I ended up with a potted plant (hope I don't kill it) and a balloon, and because we are all too fat to eat a lot of cake, my friend and I shared one cake.

One of my kids was sick, so I had a good excuse not to go to my mom's.  I like going there, but when it's also my friend's birthday, I feel pulled in 2 extra directions.  Since my mom's birthday is this week, I can go next weekend and focus on her.  Bummer though, my dad made the macaroni salad I love, and it won't last until next weekend.

We went out to lunch (for the birthday), then sat around and watched a movie.  I opted to skip dinner out and just eat leftovers / freezer food.  I really don't like restaurants and would rather be lazy.  Of course I had a lot of work sitting waiting for me to do it, but I tried to ignore that for the day.

I did go to church, which I generally enjoy doing on Mother's Day.  It was fine - not too gushy but a little bit special.  They did start with my favorite hymn.  ?  Call me selfish, but I like having one day when it feels like it's "about me."  I'm sorry if this hurts or offends, but I really don't like this trend where "happy mother's day" is usually followed by the equivalent of "but don't really be happy because some people are sad."  I mean, there is always the option to refrain from saying "happy m-day" in the first place.  I was feeling kind of crummy about it last night.  Let's face it, being a single mom of tweens is among the most thankless jobs around.  Actually thankless is putting it nicely, LOL.  Then late last night, someone posted a t-shirt for sale as a recommended mother's day gift, with the words "I Love / and by love I mean tolerate / Adoption."  Put out by someone wanting to make adoptive moms feel like crap on Mother's Day.  Nice touch.

Well, overall, it was a nice slow day.

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We had a big church members outing thing together after church so it was a big day with a lot of stuff to pack.  The kids had a ball.  I didn't really want a gift because I couldn't think of anything I wanted but dh actually came up with something really thoughtful.  We caravan and I love it but I do hate cooking in the caravan.  It heats up really badly and also if the stabilisers aren't down because we are doing a quick stop it rocks and because it's small and the kids come through I'm always really nervous someone is going to knock hot food over on themselves or I'll accidentally spill oil on the gas and the whole van will go up in flames!  I'm not sure how realistic my fears are (camping triggers a bit of anxiety at times) but anyway dh bought the outdoor camping BBQ we've talked about getting for ages in time for our next big trip...

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I just need to post to vent.

I am extremely low maintenance. I didn't grow up celebrating birthdays much. Mother's Day we would go see my Grandma and Great Aunt and buy flowers from a guy on a corner on the way. We would take my mom out to dinner. I am not into gifts much. When we were younger and had zero money to spare I would not have appreciated flowers or an unnecessary splurge because it would have left me scrambling to make ends meet. So over the years I have gotten a few breakfasts in bed and some cards and that was fine. 

Over the last few years I have seen that even if these holidays and events are made up and overblown they are an opportunity to connect.I also realize that my sons will be expected to honor their wives birthdays and Mother's Day and buy them Christmas presents, etc. So I have talked to dh over the last five years or so about making more of a token effort and to teach the kids and to take the day as an opportunity to connect or bond in some way.

All I wanted this year was a small planter to put on my porch. I have been telling dh I would like this for weeks. I showed him at Lowes and told him they sold them all over. I was not picky about variety. I gave him a wide price range that would be acceptable. I told him he could take my 10 yo dd to pick it up because she loves flowers and she would enjoy picking it out.

We had a busy Friday and Saturday. I told dh I would be happy to go out on Sunday afternoon with him and dd and pick  it out for myself. It would be a 30 minute errand. This, truly, would make me happy. I woke up Sunday morning to a homemade card and an IOU to go shopping Sunday afternoon for my planter. Score. That's all I wanted...

Come Sunday afternoon I ask to go get my planter. No one feels like it. Maybe later.

So nothing for Mother's Day. My request was very simple and specific. Just no one could be bothered.

So...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to process that as anything other than very hurtful. I don't ask much but I'm honestly not sure how I could set the bar any lower.  I'm trying to put it behind me and move on because what choice do I have.??  But it hurts and I am stewing. I need to vent and get it out but I am so embarassed and ashamed to tell anyone in real life how my family treats me. It's really humiliating. People ask what my family did for me on Mother's Day and I have to come up with some vague answer and put a spin on it so people don't think my dh is a jerk. Sigh. 

Marriage is stupid hard sometimes.

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My husband gave me a very nice card, but he didn't do what I really wanted - all of the dishes, even the ones I created - as he had a toothache and went to bed after church. By the time he was up I had cleaned the kitchen - twice.

My son told me after church "Happy Mother's Day. You are appreciated." I know he used that passive voice to be jokey - we've talked about it enough in his writing - but I would liked something a little stronger. My daughter said nothing till dinner time (we had bought cold cuts so they all could have an easy dinner, minimal mess) and then she and my son brought me a card. I could tell that my husband had bought it for them to give me, which was very sweet of him. We all had a good laugh and it was a great card so it was kind of nice. And my older girls called.

Overall, it was not bad!

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8 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

So...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to process that as anything other than very hurtful. I don't ask much but I'm honestly not sure how I could set the bar any lower.  I'm trying to put it behind me and move on because what choice do I have.??  But it hurts and I am stewing.

What would have  happened if you had said that afternoon, "Hey, listen, this is Mother's day and this is the only thing I asked for. I don't think it's too much to ask for you guys to follow through on what you said you'd do. Now let's go."

Cause I would have said it. Sometimes you have to just tell them in no uncertain terms, "I am not okay with this, and it is not nice. Now fix it."

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12 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

What would have  happened if you had said that afternoon, "Hey, listen, this is Mother's day and this is the only thing I asked for. I don't think it's too much to ask for you guys to follow through on what you said you'd do. Now let's go."

Cause I would have said it. Sometimes you have to just tell them in no uncertain terms, "I am not okay with this, and it is not nice. Now fix it."

 

Either this or "Well, if no one wants to go, I'm going on my own.  And I think I'll go out for (lunch, dinner, whatever) too. So... see you later."  And then I'd go, get my planter, and take myself out for a nice meal or shopping trip or whatever.  I'd make sure I had a book in my purse (or I'd go buy one).  Actually, at that point I think I'd rather go alone than have people along who begrudge the time. 

I'm so sorry.  I don't ask for stuff for Mother's Day though we do acknowledge it as part of kid training for my son who may someday have a wife who is a mother.  Sometimes being super low maintenance isn't the best thing. 

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19 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

What would have  happened if you had said that afternoon, "Hey, listen, this is Mother's day and this is the only thing I asked for. I don't think it's too much to ask for you guys to follow through on what you said you'd do. Now let's go."

Cause I would have said it. Sometimes you have to just tell them in no uncertain terms, "I am not okay with this, and it is not nice. Now fix it."

Oh if I would have said that they would have all skipped to and felt bad. And been embarrassed. So yes I should have done that. 

But it was one of those things that I shrugged it off at the time but then it built and I got madder and madder.

 

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Just now, teachermom2834 said:

Oh if I would have said that they would have all skipped to and felt bad. And been embarrassed. So yes I should have done that. 

But it was one of those things that I shrugged it off at the time but then it built and I got madder and madder.

 

One of the biggest things I learned from my failed first marriage and therapy is to speak up about things when they happen, rather than let resentment build up. Resentment kills love. 

I'd go ahead and tell your family, without drama but without glossing over it, that they hurt your feelings. Tell them flat out, "hey, guys, when you didn't make the effort to get me a gift and were unwilling to go with me to go get it, it really upset me. I work really hard to be a good mom, and on MOther's day I felt unappreciated."

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7 minutes ago, marbel said:

 

Either this or "Well, if no one wants to go, I'm going on my own.  And I think I'll go out for (lunch, dinner, whatever) too. So... see you later."  And then I'd go, get my planter, and take myself out for a nice meal or shopping trip or whatever.  I'd make sure I had a book in my purse (or I'd go buy one).  Actually, at that point I think I'd rather go alone than have people along who begrudge the time. 

I'm so sorry.  I don't ask for stuff for Mother's Day though we do acknowledge it as part of kid training for my son who may someday have a wife who is a mother.  Sometimes being super low maintenance isn't the best thing. 

I am seeing how being super low maintenance isn’t the best thing. I realize I am changing the game on my dh...but it shouldn’t be quite that hard. I’m speaking very slowly. 

Of course now he knows I’m mad and he’s embarrassed and it is all just stupid. Really. I’m super low maintenance and somehow I’ve turned into a shrew over a $20 Mother’s Day gift that I can totally buy myself.

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3 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I am seeing how being super low maintenance isn’t the best thing. I realize I am changing the game on my dh...but it shouldn’t be quite that hard. I’m speaking very slowly. 

Of course now he knows I’m mad and he’s embarrassed and it is all just stupid. Really. I’m super low maintenance and somehow I’ve turned into a shrew over a $20 Mother’s Day gift that I can totally buy myself.

You are not a shrew to be upset. It is okay to be upset when people hurt us. 

He is right to be embarrassed. He should be. Now next time maybe he will choose differently. Either way, it is not your job to protect him from the consequences of his choices. He is allowed to feel embarrassed, and that is okay. 

 

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1 minute ago, Ktgrok said:

One of the biggest things I learned from my failed first marriage and therapy is to speak up about things when they happen, rather than let resentment build up. Resentment kills love. 

I'd go ahead and tell your family, without drama but without glossing over it, that they hurt your feelings. Tell them flat out, "hey, guys, when you didn't make the effort to get me a gift and were unwilling to go with me to go get it, it really upset me. I work really hard to be a good mom, and on MOther's day I felt unappreciated."

Oh I did talk to them all yesterday afternoon calmly and told them I wouldn’t keep talking about it but laid it out for them. Of course they felt awful. Actually my 18 yo ds had bought me a candle from Bath and Body Works. I know that sounds lame to some people but I do love candles and never buy for myself and he actually had to make a trip to the mall for it. So that was nice and one of the only Mother’s Day gifts I’ve ever gotten. My 20 yo living out of town called me. So I’m mostly just grr at dh. 

But obviously it isn’t really about a planter. 

 

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Just now, teachermom2834 said:

Oh I did talk to them all yesterday afternoon calmly and told them I wouldn’t keep talking about it but laid it out for them. Of course they felt awful. Actually my 18 yo ds had bought me a candle from Bath and Body Works. I know that sounds lame to some people but I do love candles and never buy for myself and he actually had to make a trip to the mall for it. So that was nice and one of the only Mother’s Day gifts I’ve ever gotten. My 20 yo living out of town called me. So I’m mostly just grr at dh. 

But obviously it isn’t really about a planter. 

 

Well good. And hopefully they apologized sincerely, and then you forgave them, with promises to do better.  ?

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1 minute ago, Ktgrok said:

You are not a shrew to be upset. It is okay to be upset when people hurt us. 

He is right to be embarrassed. He should be. Now next time maybe he will choose differently. Either way, it is not your job to protect him from the consequences of his choices. He is allowed to feel embarrassed, and that is okay. 

 

Oh believe me I do not care one bit that he is embarrassed! I don’t protect him from my feelings at all and he definitely knows it was a BAD day.

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