Class ettiquette

[4KookieKids]

My ds8 with ASD will be taking a summer course with 2-3 other NT boys his age. It's his first time doing something like this that's academic (otherwise, the only classes he's done are swimming and martial arts). I expect the content will be interesting for him, but very easy. I feel like I need to prep him for appropriate behavior in this sort of setting though. The course itself is low-key, intended to be engaging, very hands-on, and without any sort of exam or evaluation. Can you folks help me come up with a list of expected behaviors for this situation? 

Outside of normal etiquette (which we're still working on.... lol), I'm thinking of talking with him about things like:

*Do not make any sort of comments about how easy the content is.  (Reason: Others may be struggling, and it makes them feel bad to hear it's supposed to be "easy.")

*Do not answer more than 1-2 questions in a row, even if you know the answer, and instead let other students respond to the teacher. (Reason: Other kids may want a turn but think slower. Teacher wants to know how everyone is doing. Nobody likes a know-it-all.)

*Really listen to the other students in your class. (Reason: They might have another way of thinking about something that is cool and different from how you do it. They might have a question you can help answer, but you won't really understand their question if you don't listen carefully and think before talking.)

 

He's a kid who does much better when he knows the expectations, and we've had a lot of social flubs lately, so I *really* want him to make friends and not come off as a know-it-all. Class doesn't start for a while, so we have plenty of time to practice. :) So what other things should we make it a point to talk about?

[PeterPan]

You might draw out your own social story of what it will look like or find a tv show that has a school scene in an episode he can watch. He doesn't have a mental picture of what it's supposed to look like. And if the characters in the social story or the tv scene make some of the errors you're predicting, it allows you to talk about them and do a social autopsy of sorts. 

Had you thought about putting him in a social skills group where they're working on social thinking? It might give him the chance to practice these skills in a more supportive environment where he's likely to do well. If your main reason for putting him in this class is social, I don't know. He's not exactly prepped to do well, and what happens if it doesn't go well? Doing some social skills group work would give him more experience to be ready to go into this harder situation (a boring class with material he already knows, with kids who are enough behind him that they don't know it, etc.). Peers are not ideal teachers for social skills, unfortunately. 

[4KookieKids]

 No, the main reason for him being in the class is not social. The main reason is that he wants to learn the content. It just happens that the content is  A type of math (hands on equations) and he excels at math and grasps the concept easily and quickly. He very much wants to take the class, and is looking forward to learning the content as well as getting to know the other boys better ( they’re all boys we already know from our weekly learning community .)

 He is in a social skills group, and has been for the last several months. We are also doing the Superflex social thinking curriculum at home, and his speech and language therapist is doing a social skills curriculum with him, with an emphasis on appropriate Social language and communication. So, in some sense, I am hoping he will be well prepared for this first foray into group learning,  especially in a class of only four students, Since I think social issues might be easier to figure out in a small group. I’m just nervous too…

Thanks for the tip about watching a movie clip. I always mean to do something like that, but i usually forget. Now I’m off to think about what sort of movie clip to find! :-)

[HomeAgain]

He's 8?  That's the age we start teaching the "rule of 3" here, because they're savvy enough to think something is funny or smart, but not quite socially aware enough to know when to quit. I say, "Once is cool, twice we've got it, three times is too much."  I don't know if that's a problem in your house, but mine often has days where he will repeat actions or behaviors as much as possible if he's delighted by them and gets a response.  It's an easy thing to practice quietly by raising one or two fingers.

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, 4KookieKids said:

 No, the main reason for him being in the class is not social. The main reason is that he wants to learn the content. It just happens that the content is  A type of math (hands on equations) and he excels at math and grasps the concept easily and quickly. He very much wants to take the class, and is looking forward to learning the content as well as getting to know the other boys better ( they’re all boys we already know from our weekly learning community .)

 He is in a social skills group, and has been for the last several months. We are also doing the Superflex social thinking curriculum at home, and his speech and language therapist is doing a social skills curriculum with him, with an emphasis on appropriate Social language and communication. So, in some sense, I am hoping he will be well prepared for this first foray into group learning,  especially in a class of only four students, Since I think social issues might be easier to figure out in a small group. I’m just nervous too…

Thanks for the tip about watching a movie clip. I always mean to do something like that, but i usually forget. Now I’m off to think about what sort of movie clip to find! :-)

Sounds like you've got a lot of good stuff going! Have you looked into RDI? To me that's sort of a missing gap in the Social Thinking approach, because they aren't noticing the non-verbals that would help them realize what social thinking concept to be applying there. RDI puts non-verbals into a whole developmental sequence, pretty cool stuff. 

[Lecka]

Keep in mind you can ask the social skills group people or speech therapist, they might have ideas for him.  Especially the speech therapist might be able to target relevant areas with him if there are any. 

I think if it goes well, that is great.  If it doesn't, then you find out more things to work on.  This is his first thing, so if it turns out you find out things for him to work on, that is okay, too.

I think something to keep in mind is the other boys may have some kind of existing social dynamic.  Maybe two of them are friends and the 3rd kid will be more willing to be friends. 

I think definitely check with the teacher and if there is anything the teacher can do to help encourage him in a good direction (a more likely peer) then that is good. 

Something I think happens a lot when kids don't recognize social dynamics as easily, is that they might see two kids are friends and try to be friends with them, when really they would be better off to be friends with the other kid who doesn't already have a friend.  Or, maybe the opposite.  Or something!  But I think picking up on clues that a certain kid is more open and willing to be friends, and another kid isn't, is something where MANY kids are getting told by an adult who sees what is going on. 

And this can be formal (like you as mom telling him) or informal (like the teacher puts kids into pairs sometimes and pairs the kids in a way to help them have a chance to make friends). 

If you do any hand signal things anyway, like a previous poster mentioned, if you do that anyway and it works well for your son, you can also mention that to the teacher. 

I think it is better to mention things to the teacher and hope he doesn't need it, than to not mention it and try to adjust after some kind of issue or just ----- missing the chance earlier to pair up with somebody or be part of the group.  I think a lot of times that happens early and it is easier if there is help early to get into the group or in a pair. 

It sounds really realistic and appropriate.  I hope he will do great.  I have been very nervous about some things, that have gone off great!  And then some things don't work as well.

I think for your own nervousness, you can prepare and talk to the teacher, but also -- keep in mind that there will be more chances.

And, with any group of 4 kids, they may not hit it off really well or turn out to have a lot in common.  It isn't a failure if that happens.  Even if that happens they should be able to cooperate and work in a group as is appropriate for the class.  But it might be a chance to do that, even if he doesn't hit it off. 

Then it can be a chance to think about what qualities he would like in a friend.  What shared interest or something.

At this age a lot of friendships can be about liking the same thing, so if there is something he likes that is fairly common, that can go a long way. 

I think if you want him to make a friend he would see outside of the class, early on figure out what parents are open to that.  It doesn't do any good if he makes friends in class with a child who's not going to be available for playdates, already has a lot of friends and there moms' are friends, is very busy, etc.  If there is a boy who's also seeming to be looking for a friend, doesn't already have a lot of friends, has open time, the mom is enthusiastic when you talk to her, then that will be a MUCH better potential friend. 

[Lecka]

Also he's an 8-year-old boy, I don't think they are that picky.  Being bossy is not good, but other than that I don't think boys this age are too picky or remember things too much that other kids do (that are social errors).  I see a low tolerance for bossiness, though.  That could be more my kids, but I really see every other thing be quickly forgotten about, if it was even particularly noticed in the first place! 

[Lecka]

Just in case that happens, to be encouraging I can say that with my older son when he was this age, we had a boy cry at our house over a video game, want to go home, his mom came, he sat in her mini-van for 20 minutes, she talked him down, he came back in, and then it was like it never happened and none of the other kids cared.  He cried because he was accused of being too dominating in a multi-player video game and making his character go places on the screen where the other kids didn't want to go. 

But it worked out, it was fine, and I don't think it registered with my son as a big deal or anything where he formed a judgment about this boy. 

My daughter is more judgmental/remembering than that, but she has also had someone cry when playing and then it got to be no big deal after some time passed. 

For both of them, it is bossiness where they will get fed up and not want to play with that kid anymore. 

I think the setting makes a big difference, though.  In some settings everyone is pretty included, that is the vibe. 

In other settings, there are some unpopular people, and if you talk to them, you are associating with someone unpopular and so no one will want to associate with someone who is unpopular. 

I think teachers do a lot to set the tone this way.  The general standard these days is they are expected, as part of their job, to make sure this happens.

So then I think the issue with summer classes is ------ who is teaching?  Is it someone mature?  Is it someone who will see this as part of their job? 

Sometimes young people won't be clued into this unless they are trained to be clued in (or told to be clued in).  Like -- I think young people working at a summer camp are absolutely expected to be clued into this and make sure all the kids are being included and setting up social opportunities and things. 

But if it's a random class and the teacher isn't doing that, I have had some things fall very flat for one of my kids, and I think that instructors can do a lot to influence that. 

I have seen with myself, I do more than other parents sometimes if I see there is a child left out, I will bring it up and get that child involved, by asking other kids to invite that child, or something.  I don't just stand back and not care.  Some parents don't do that.  I think in paid things it is a fair expectation, but more likely if the instructor is either older or they say something like "we want all the kids to have a good time" or something like that. 

[4KookieKids]

21 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

You posted that you suspect that he will pick up the material easily, but you may want to practice how to deal if he gets something wrong.  When something doesn’t come easily to DD7, especially in a game, or if she gets something wrong that she expected to get right, she gets really frustrated and upset, sometimes starts crying.  

 Yes, I realized in the shower this morning but this is definitely something I should prepare him for, even if I don’t expected to be a problem! You just never know!

[Lecka]

That is something that can be harder on kids when they are around kids than when they are at home with family members. 

[4KookieKids]

 Yes, I will need to talk with the teacher. It is not a trained teacher. It is a homeschool mom who is retired from homeschooling because her youngest child is in high school now. She does have experience with special needs children, having three herself, but I don’t think any of them are ASD.

[Lecka]

She sounds like she will be great!  Being a parent goes a long way, it is like they have this sense that kids started as babies and have only been alive so many years, that non-parents or younger people just do not have in the same way.

And then she has special needs children, too. 

She might be able to give you some good advice :) 

[4KookieKids]

 Thank you all for your thoughts. I just really want  This to go well. :)