A little hurt and offended, aren't I too old for social media drama? (jawm/vent)

[mytwomonkeys]

I haven’t read all of the replies, but if the library is open to preschoolers then who cares what she says. And if your child is just months shy of being six, then double who cares. 

Don’t let it get you down. I am so sorry you had to deal with that. It would bother me too of course, but it wouldn’t control how I proceed. 

Hugs to you! 

[blondeviolin]

Meh. I'd go anyway. And I echo everyone else that it doesn't matter what the other lady said when the librarian values you. I'd probably also act oblivious to her "rules" comment. Months shy of six doesn't look much different from months past six. 

[HS Mom in NC]

On 4/17/2018 at 6:33 PM, xahm said:

I didn't read the replies because I just want to address your thought process here.

The last two months I've taken my kids to the library's homeschool family get together where kids play board games and parents chat. It's listed as being for ages 6 and up, but the librarian is clearly glad to have anyone who shows up as it has been going on for two years ands never been well attended. She specifically bought preschool games to encourage families with little ones to come.

Clearly the librarian is OK with the preschoolers playing games.  Isn't the librarian in charge of this event? So announce on the group that the librarian bought board games for the preschoolers to encourage families with little ones to come.  If someone takes issue with direct them to the librarian.  Done.  Simple.  Easy peasy.

Last month she chatted with me and the two other moms who came about what she could do to better serve the home school community because it is always sparsely attended, with many months having no attendees. All that to say, the library wants us there, even though my oldest is in Kindergarten and doesn't turn six till the summer. Today, the lady who runs the homeschool face book group for our town, and who coordinated with the librarian to start this get together a couple years back, posted a reminder about it with the note "while younger siblings are welcome, this event is only for those with children six and older."

This is an example of bad communication and mixed signals.  What exactly is the event?  Being at the library doing anything the library has to offer during the time or specifically board games? Are  the younger siblings allowed to play games or not?  If not, what exactly are the options for the younger siblings to do while the older kids are playing games?

Since last month she didn't include that detail, and last month I reported back to the Facebook group about the librarian wanting to try new things and encouraging others to give her ideas, I feel like this was pointed at me and my kids.

Are you saying she's being passive aggressive?  When adults take issue with something another adult does, they simply talk to that person directly about it to clear up the confusion.  If she's not being passive aggressive and directing it at you, is it possible she has no idea the librarian bought games for preschoolers? How do you know she read that report from you on the FB page?  Some people are off FB for longer periods of time and miss things.   Did you specifically tell her directly about the conversation you had with the librarian and that the librarian brought games for the preschoolers?  How could she know about that conversation if you didn't tell her directly?  She may just be acting on old information having missed the new information from you.  And not everyone sends out the identical email about recurring events.  Sometimes it's more detailed and sometimes it's less detailed.

See, up till recently, this was a "secret" Facebook group. The only way in was to be invited in. I tried to meet someone to invite me, but all the home schoolers I talked to expressed the same frustration that they couldn't get in.

Our tween homeschooling group is "secret"too because of privacy concerns.  And she did change to accommodate your personal preference on it, but you don't sound appreciative about it.  If you aren't interested in the close group mindset, it's not the group for you.  That's great, start your own group and let the closed group do what the closed group is going to do and you can run your group your way. 

So, I started a new group and in a couple days had about twenty members. Shortly thereafter, I met the founder of the other group. She agreed to change her group settings to allow others to find it and request to join, and I agreed to merge my group into hers to avoid the silliness and cattiness that could come from having competing groups.

That surprises me because between the limited age range (if it's as limited as you say it is) and the closed group approach, it seems like you're a bad fit for merging groups.  People typically merge groups when they're so like minded in approach, focus, age range, goals, subculture,  the see that they're basically redundant.  I see two very different mindsets and approaches between what she did with her own group and how you wanted her group to be.   I can't speak to goals and subculture, because there are what seem to me obvious questions that needed to be asked of her directly and I can't comment until I hear her answers.

Now it is one group, used to ask local-based questions and recommend local homeschool opportunities. I feel like she may be in some way annoyed that I brought new people and change into the group and therefore blame me that the get-together at the library isn't working as she hoped it would.

It's a gamble asking someone if they are willing to do something for you.  Some people will be honest with you and others won't.  Some will do it because they genuinely want to and others will do it out of some perceived pressure.  I'm shocked at the number of American women who are not able to say, "No thank you." directly in response to a request they don't want to comply with.  That's a personal issue on them, not on the person asking.   If you're unwilling to take another adult's answer at face value and be at peace with it, then you shouldn't ask people to change their things for you, or whatever the situation is.  We need more sermons on "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." You're never really going to know if she's truly OK with it. 

I'm all for having events aimed at older kids, and I fully see why teenagers and other "big kids" don't want to have a bunch of little kids at their event. I know that there has been frustration with this event because sometimes a family with a teen shows up and there is only a seven year old to play with. But her admonishment that only those with six year-olds or older can come doesn't address that problem.

Is that what she said?  I thought she said, "while younger siblings are welcome, this event is only for those with children six and older." That's not saying only older kids can come.  It says younger siblings are welcome. And did you ask her why she set the age the way she did?  Was it because the games are geared to kids developmentally in the early elementary age range and up?  Is it because she didn't have anything for the preschoolers (having no idea the librarian has since got things for the preschoolers?) I think there's real communication problem both ways here.  Why wouldn't you just ask for clarification?

The established age range is still 0-18, just with slightly fewer in the 0-5 range.

Wait, so the younger kids can come.  What do you mean by established age range? Where and when was it established and why did you say earlier only those with kids 6 and older can come?  Does it mean a certain age range for games but other things for littles?  See how confusing things are when people aren't explicit as what exactly is for which age group and who is doing exactly what?

Unless you've got a lot of people coming, odds aren't good for having ages match up well. If she wants to address the problem, maybe suggest that those with older kids come in the first hour and those with younger elementary and lower come starting the second hour. Or have multiple events.

How would that increase people coming?  Most homeschoolers have kids in a wider age range.  So the parents of the teens and tweens are going to drop kids off for an hour, but then the younger kids will come later?  What are they going to do in the mean time?  And how will all the picking up and dropping off play out for the people with a teen, a tween, an older elementary kid, a younger elementary kid, a preschooler and a baby or various combinations of those ages? By multiple events do you mean multiple events at the same time? Multiple events spaced apart on the same day?  Multiple events meaning one event every day over the course of several days?  Communication should be precise and specific.

Oh, and this woman doesn't typically attend this event. That's fine, but I feel like she wants it to be a certain way in case she ever shows up with her daughter and sees new people as messing that up.

How do you know that?  Feelings aren't enough to go on in this situation. Because she sent an email that restated the age range it's always been?  Please reread all my questions about what this woman actually knows about the librarian and preschool games and posting about the recurring event and how adults should directly contact each other to clear things up.

All that's just a vent. If I vent to my husband he'll take my side too much. I know some of y'all will temper your response with "well, it is listed as being for six and up" and "don't you think you are reading too much into one Facebook posting. That's why I hate social media." I think I'm more hurt because I feel like she resents me when I really didn't want to step on her toes.

Why do you feel that way?  From what I see you don't have enough information directly from her because you haven't asked her about the age limits, why she chose them, what the youngers should do in the mean time, etc.  Again, you did ask someone with an established group to change things to better suit you having no idea if she was someone who is a "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" kind of person.

If she had said "oh, this group is really focused on families with older kids who follow an unschooling/child-led approach" (which is what I suspect it was by default since that's who she knew)

You should've asked her directly what demographic her group is focused on.  It's not realistic to expect her to know what kind of information you're wanting.  It's not realistic to expect her anticipate every possible insecurity you may feel in regards this situation.  It's not realistic to rely on your suspicions or guesses for anything when you could simply ask her about her thoughts, goals, focus, and motivation for her group.  

I would have been very happy to have different groups. But I was trying to do the right thing, to pass over leadership to the more experienced mom

I don't understand what this sentence means.  Who is the leadership and who is the more experienced mom? How are you passing over?  What do you mean "do the right thing?" If you ask someone to change their group and merge with yours it doesn't look like you're OK with having different groups.  This is the gamble I was talking about. If you aren't going to take people at their word, and assume they're not being honest about being OK with the merge, you have to live with this uncertainty.  If you're not communicating clearly all along about their focus and intention you live in the mess of miscommunication.  It's always better to clarify from the beginning and all the way through.

because I am aware that having only a kindergartener makes me basically nothing in the homeschool world. She didn't have to rub that in.

So someone changed their established group and allowed you to merge yours to better suit your preferences, but you still classify yourself as "nothing" in the homeschool world?  The librarian bought preschooler games because you had brought preschoolers to the library for the event, but somehow in your mind that mean's you're viewed as "nothing" in the homeschool world? 

The other leader reiterated the age range that had been established for the group, possibly having no idea the librarian brought the preschool games, and it seems hasn't been to the events to know there are now preschool games, but somehow in your mind she's rubbing something in.  I don't get that.

 

[easypeasy]

I'm very glad you went, didn't let the woman's comment (which might, or might not, have been aimed at you... you'll likely never really know) and had a good time. :)

It does irk me when libraries bother to set age limits they don't enforce, though. Why put an age "limit" anyway? Why not say "Fun for kids 4 to 40" if they're not going to enforce it? When my older kids were tweens, we went to several programs (at libraries, at art schools, at museums, etc, etc, etc) that stated "ages 8-12. Not all were free programs, several were classes we paid for ahead of time. We'd arrive, and nearly ALL the kids were 4-8 year olds. My girls towered over everyone, the host had to "dumb down" the program (or craft, or whatever) from what the flyer or pamphlet actually said was going to happen... it was SO frustrating - a massive waste of time and money!

This librarian should advertise the event as for ages 5-16 and then there's no further confusion for anyone involved! And recruiting 8 year-olds for a "teen" event? ARGGHHHH!! That's what starts the problems!!! lol

[Xahm]

4 hours ago, easypeasy said:

I'm very glad you went, didn't let the woman's comment (which might, or might not, have been aimed at you... you'll likely never really know) and had a good time. :)

It does irk me when libraries bother to set age limits they don't enforce, though. Why put an age "limit" anyway? Why not say "Fun for kids 4 to 40" if they're not going to enforce it? When my older kids were tweens, we went to several programs (at libraries, at art schools, at museums, etc, etc, etc) that stated "ages 8-12. Not all were free programs, several were classes we paid for ahead of time. We'd arrive, and nearly ALL the kids were 4-8 year olds. My girls towered over everyone, the host had to "dumb down" the program (or craft, or whatever) from what the flyer or pamphlet actually said was going to happen... it was SO frustrating - a massive waste of time and money!

This librarian should advertise the event as for ages 5-16 and then there's no further confusion for anyone involved! And recruiting 8 year-olds for a "teen" event? ARGGHHHH!! That's what starts the problems!!! lol

I think the computer system requires then to set an age.

[Bluegoat]

I think it sounds like they need to have a wide age range to get enough homeschool kids.  I understand that parents of older kids start to feel like it's for babies and their kids won't go.  But at the same time, if only a few of them bother to show up at a given time, then it's kind of selfish to tell others they can't - and not very worthwhile for the library people.  

It's not like some bigger kids can't play games together while smaller ones do the same.  It is a bit different at an event where a small child isn't really able to participate or stops the older kids from doing so.  I've seen that and the parents do seem to be a bit clueless at times, that a particular activity is not suitable.  But I wouldn't think to make a strict age rule about a more general sort of meet up.  If nothing else ,it makes it impossible for parents with multiple ages.

[SKL]

4 hours ago, xahm said:

I think the computer system requires then to set an age.

Ours has a "families" option that does not specify age.

I think our library is strict about age / grade level for certain events.  And I think they should be, especially when it comes to teen or adult stuff.  I don't care how well my kid reads, she doesn't need to be discussing a lot of things teens and adults discuss.  Also if older kids find that an activity they attend is peopled by mostly pre-adolescents, they won't return, and the program will be a failure as far as its original intent.

ETA:  The above doesn't apply to the OP, nor to all library programs, but there are times when age limits are appropriate and should be honored.

[Lady Florida.]

3 hours ago, xahm said:

I think the computer system requires then to set an age.

Also, it sounds like it started out with a set age range but they had to be flexible if they wanted to keep it going. 

[Rachel]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Ours has a "families" option that does not specify age.

I think our library is strict about age / grade level for certain events.  And I think they should be, especially when it comes to teen or adult stuff.  I don't care how well my kid reads, she doesn't need to be discussing a lot of things teens and adults discuss.  Also if older kids find that an activity they attend is peopled by mostly pre-adolescents, they won't return, and the program will be a failure as far as its original intent.

I tend to agree with this. If I’m going to an event that I’m expecting to be for older kids but it is overrun with preschoolers, it’s annoying. I was annoyed by age limits on activities for older kids when I only had little kids.  Now that my kids are getting older, I appreciate it. In general it seems we homeschoolers expect to get away with our little kids going to things for older kids, because we always have our little kids with us.  It is not always appropriate.

I do think the OP was fine though. She has a kid nearly in the age range and has been welcomed in the past. She isn’t trying to put a preschooler in with middle school children. I’m glad she went and I think she was being reasonable. 

[SanDiegoMom]

As a mom with 12 year olds, I would love to go to a game meetup with kids their age. Unfortunately around here the number of homeschoolers in that range is pretty low. So telling younger kids not to come isn't going to magically encourage older kids to come.  If the attendance gets large enough, then maybe splitting into two groups would be great, but if there are some days with literally no one attending I don't see how limiting it to older kids will bring about the desired result of an older kids' peer group. 

[Bluegoat]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Who do your kids want to play with? Maybe just make a separate arrangement with them. I don't like conflict and I don't know if that would cause more or less, but it's just a thought. It could still take place at the library, but maybe at a time that is separate if the leader is sending out vibes she really doesn't want the younger crowd there.

Our homeschool group keeps advertising "tween/teen" events and had confusion about what exactly a tween is. What age? People gave different answers lol. Now I notice the latest event has an age number, but I just don't think it would offer much for my son so I'm not rushing to take him. He also felt slighted last time I was going to take him but we decided not to go because of the fact that they were leaning toward 11 or 12 as tween and he will just turn 10 this summer. Now they have 10 as the age! Go figure.

We have a board game day as well. It is open to younger siblings so I took dd and brought a pre-school game. I think as long as the littles are not disrupting game play of the older ones it isn't a big deal, but it might be if you're a teenager surrounded by 3 yr olds. That would not entice me to attend as a tween/teen. How well are the little ones supervised? I have gone to events where I see such a range of parenting. One kid may be seated near Mom while another may be about to go through someone's diaper bag but the parent is oblivious. I find those situations kind of awkward as a parent. I don't know how it affects the kids/other parents.

 

Well, I think one element with this can be that many homeschool things don't seem to be drop off, even for older kids.  At least that is what I've noticed here - the assumption is parents will be around - if not in the room, nearby. So the parents have to stick around and they often will have younger kids.

I've had better luck finding tween/tee social groups outside of homeschool stuff, because they are generally drop-off.

[hippiemamato3]

I think you did the right thing by going. Your child will soon be 6, and has almost finished kindergarten. Here, it's unheard of not to go to kindergarten, so I think that is the place where there is a divide between "homeschooler" and not. I do think abiding by age guidelines is generally important, but in this situation where you were specifically advised about preschool games, it's not a big deal to attend.