Visiting home in college questions

[Chris in VA]

THose whose kids went far away to school--How often did they come home? How did it impact their experience? Did, for example, they have a tougher time? Did that make them more resilient? Did they wish they'd gone closer? 

What about kids who went to a closer school but lived in a dorm (or, not at home)?

I'd like to discuss, so feel free to add in other aspects of visiting home that I haven't thought of. 

Finally, what do you think your kiddo would experience/feel/think if home was no longer there? 

 

[regentrude]

My DD is 6+ hours away. She came home for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and for her first summer, but not later summers. I don't know that distance had anything to do with how hard it was to adapt to college; it was more the insane work load and the time it took to find a circle of friends.  Being closer to home/home more often would not have helped her with either.  I do not think home not being here anymore would be an issue for her, if we simply lived somewhere else (I assume you don't talk about *parents* not being alive anymore).

DS is two hours away, lives in the dorm and hates it, and uses every opportunity to come home; his gf lives here. He is home every weekend. Once he can move out of the dorm, he will move in with gf in the college town and barely come home anymore. So, while heis still coming home weekly to be with gf, having a home base here is important. Once he moves out of the dorm, I imagine much less so.

 

[GailV]

Dd is 3 hours away.  During freshman year she came home for fall break (brought a friend who lived further away), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break.  She was also home for the summer.  By sophomore year she was home much less.  Well, fall semester she was in Europe, so there's that; but by spring her interest in coming home had really dropped. In the past 2 years she's not been here much at all, busy with other things in other places. The "soft launch" was good for her -- having a home relatively nearby that she could get to if she needed it freshman year.  Lol, it was probably good for me, too!  

Younger dd might go 3 hours away, might go a plane flight away.  Either way she'll be fine -- that's just her personality.  She's the type you could drop practically anywhere, and she'd be making friends and arranging the world to suit herself.  Her "soft launch" has been going to NYC and Chicago on her own while still in high school.

My parents moved about the time I went off to college.  I never felt that their house was "home" after that because I never really lived there full time.  I certainly never had a group of friends to hang out with  there, plus it was awkward to try to visit my old high school friends since it was hours away from my parents' new house.  Friends of ours did the same thing when their daughter left for college, but their move was even bigger (Minnesota to Florida). It ended badly for their daughter, who needed more local support  to continue in her college (anxiety issues) so dropped out and moved to Florida to be nearer them; but didn't know anyone there and had a hard time integrating into a social life there because she wasn't sure how to do that without the structure of school.  That's been a mess.  But it had quite a bit to do with issues that were specific to that family and individual people.

[fourisenough]

DD19 is a sophomore at a college 1,000 miles from home. She had a VERY rough transition to college (terrible roommate situation, depression, dropped her sport for which she had been recruited, etc). She came home frequently and we went to visit her often throughout her first year. Being near an airport with cheap, non-stop flights was critical. She’s happy now and comes home less often. 

I anticipate my DD17, who has chosen to attend the same school as her older sister, to have a much easier transition and to come home less often.

I think not having a ‘home’ to come back to would be devastating for my kids. 

[happypamama]

I was about five hours from home and didn’t get home at all except for breaks. I think the hardest thing was (and I was the oldest so I’ll give my parents grace for having no experience with parenting college students) that my personal routines (eating, sleeping times) had changed, and my parents didn’t necessarily understand that I wasn’t being rude if I wasn’t hungry when they were eating dinner; I just wasn’t used to eating dinner then. I had my own room at home, so at least it wasn’t an issue if I was being a night owl in there. But I think it’s possible to find a balance between house rules and acceptance. 

 

I cant remember if I would have gotten upset at things like new paint or new cars while I was gone. That seems more like something my younger sister would have gotten upset by. But nowadays that’s so much easier because you can send off a text saying, “Here are my paint choices for the new living room,” and then when the kids comes home, it becomes, “Oooh can’t wait to see it in person!” instead of, “Oh my gosh what did you do??”  My little sister is nine years behind me, and by the time she went to college, she was able to text back and forth with my parents frequently, whereas I pretty much just talked to them once a week on the phone. (I’m also much more of an introvert than she is, so that does factor.). I do think it would have been really hard on either of us if they’d actually moved homes while we were at college. 

[Bootsie]

DD  went to a college about 5 hours away from home. She came home at Thanksgiving and Christmas and a couple of other times during the year--often bringing friends from college who were further from home and could not go home or who wanted to travel to a place they had not been before.  We traveled together was a family over spring break and we visited other family members who were about 5 hours away in another direction at Easter.  DH and I also visited DD several times because we were in the area for business or taking DS to some of his high school activities.

DS is less than one mile away from home.  His coming home is in spurts--sometimes at 2:00am because the cafeteria closes at midnight and he is hungry (my next door neighbors have a newborn and asked me when 2:00am feedings end--I said mine is in college and it is still happening!)

 

 

[Mom22ns]

Dd is 3 hours away and comes home every 4-6 weeks. Ds is less than an hour away and we seem him most weekends, but usually just for lunch or dinner. I don't think he's spent a night here since Christmas break.

 

 

[Wheres Toto]

Dd lived on campus at a school that was about 45 minutes away during non-rush hours.  She came home almost every weekend during her first month or so, then it slowly died down to where by her second year, she only came home on holidays and special occasions.  Although I could also run up there pretty easily if she needed something, especially while ds was taking classes on the same campus for a little while.  I think it was helpful for her to have that option.  She was getting really homesick in the beginning, and had some trouble with her roommate.  I think being stuck on campus would have made it worse.

I went very far away to school my first year and a half.  New Jersey to Texas.  I couldn't come home at all for an entire semester, only between semesters.   It made things very rough being so far from home.  When things got rough, they got very rough.  It's a big part of the reason I dropped out after 3 semesters.  I did end up returning to school closer to home, but it ended up taking me over 10 years to finally get my undergraduate degrees.

[SanDiegoMom]

My dd is on the opposite coast. She's a pretty independent spirit and it's still been a tough transition for her.  She is slowly making friends and she's focused on the education and her job on the newspaper, so there's no question of leaving. But there was some depression and when she was sick for an entire month and had a huge workload and was barely functioning I really wished she could just come home for the weekend! 

On the other hand, she is a lot more confident in herself.  

We will be moving halfway through her college years. Hopefully to the same state that she's in now. She's never really had a home base per se. Military life. 

[Mabelen]

My daughter is 90 minutes away. The first year we didn't see much of her except for breaks. Her sophomore year started out the same, then we all traveled overseas for the 3 weeks of Christmas break, which must have made her miss home, so she ended up coming home every other weekend for a couple of months afterwards. Other than that, she does her thing. Logistics are super easy, so that's great. 

[Hoggirl]

My ds was 1,800+ miles away from home.  His freshman year was the only year he came home for Thanksgiving.  He came home at Christmas and spring break that year as well.  Home the summer between freshman and sophomore years.  Sophomore year we went to him at Thanksgiving.  He came home at Christmas and then for the last half of his summer break.  We went about seven months without seeing him that year.  Too long!  Junior year he was home at Christmas and then for two weeks and two days over the summer, but we got him settled in his summer internship city in mid-June.  Senior year (this year) we went to him at Thanksgiving, and he came home for Christmas.  

At the end of January my dh retired, we did a MAJOR downsize, and moved to our 2BR/2BA, 935 sq ft condo in Florida.  So we are now even further away from ds, about 2,800 miles. I will say that we purposefully waited until after the holidays to make the big move.  Ds has a very close high school friend group in our former state.  They are all graduating this spring, and it was really going to be their last, long break together all at the same time.  At that point we had sold our house and were renting, so it wasn't ds's same house, but he was "home." Even if we had already been in Florida, I would have made sure ds had some time in his home state.  I imagine that we will always spend some time at Christmas there as long as dh's parents are living (same state, different town about three hours away). We will likely all spend time in hometown then as well if ds chooses to take vacation time for that. 

Ds had a smooth transition to college with no hiccups at all.  I will say that he had spent 6-7 weeks away every summer at various camps, and academic and music programs.  He had experience living away from us, albeit in a supervised setting.  He accepted a job in California back in Septemebr, so he was not going to be moving back "home." If he had, we would have kept a property of some sort there.

I think if we had moved while ds was in college, he would have been disappointed. The high school friend group is super close and very scattered in their colleges.  We still would have made sure he had some holiday time in hometown, but it wouldn't have been the same for him.  He came to visit us here for a week this spring (he'd not seen our new digs), and it was enjoyable, but all of his friend group scatters for spring break now anyway.  Going forward, past commencement, I anticipate that we will see ds 3-4 times per year until he marries and we have to share him with wife's family.  I expect we will go to CA 1-2 a year, he will go to home state once a year and maybe come to FL once a year.  

When he went to school we set an expectation of a weekly phone call.  We usually do that on Sunday afternoons.  I expect that will continue as it is now a well-established habit.  I refrained from too much texting early on to give him space. I wanted him to take the lead. Texts I sent began with with an "FYI," or "??" The former meant no response needed unless he wanted to (I'd send hometown news or funny items of interest or pics). The latter meant I needed a reply within a reasonable amount of time.  I never had to send the "POL" which was for "Proof of Life."  Again, as time went on I dropped the "code," but I wanted to be able to share some things with him and didn't want him to feel obligated to respond.

Hope  this helps. 

[8filltheheart]

We have had 4 kids go away to colleges with varying distances away.  All of them have different personalities, so it is not surprising to me that they have done different things.  We also move a LOT.  We have moved 3 times while kids have been in college. Since our kids are used to our moving, our moving in and of itself hasn't really impacted them in connecting with our new house being "home."  Home is our family, not the building.

When our oldest was a freshman, he was originally attending a school 90 miles away.  Within a few months we moved to a different state and were over 500 miles away.  His girlfriend and her family were still in our original location, so our move didn't really affect him at first.  (That girlfriend is now his wife, so she was already his main focus over us. ;) )   He really only came home for Christmas breaks and maybe a week or so during the summer.

Our oldest dd, otoh, moved with us when we moved during her freshman yr.  We were moving almost 900 miles and she was already living at home and commuting, so she moved with us and enrolled locally and continued to commute.  The next yr she enrolled in a school about 4 hrs away from our new home, but she drove home all of the time.  I think we saw her about 2-3 weekends per month.

Our next ds went to school originally 4 hrs away and we only saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas and 1 week during the summer.  We moved 10 hrs away, and it didn't really matter.  ;)

Our college freshman originally enrolled in a school we thought would be close to 10 hrs away (bc of having to drive through major cities with heavy traffic.  Distance-wise it was about 8 hrs.)  Ironically, we moved again, and this time we ended up 3 1/2 hrs from her school. That turned out to be HUGE.  She was incredibly homesick the first semester.  She came home constantly.  It really shook her b/c she did not anticipate being homesick.  She also has a lot of health issues that started in high school which complicated everything and really compounded her homesickness bc she was so tired and sick most of the time which lowered her coping skills.  This semester she has better control over her health which in turn has resulted in us hardly seeing her this semester. But, I think the fact that if she gets sick that I can drive there and assist her is security. (I am really glad she doesn't go abroad next yr and we have another yr of stabilizing her health before she leaves.)

So.....everything is totally child dependent.  Our current high schooler does not want to go away to school at all.  She wants to live at home and commute.  Honestly, that is a very self-aware assessment of her coping skills.  I think she is right.

[Bootsie]

Many of the students I teach are far from home.  At least a third are over 1000 miles from home.  I primarily teach juniors and seniors, so most have adjusted by then.  The adjustment they makes depends a lot on their personality but also on family dynamics.  On thing I see that doesn't help is parents who call with things like "it is your brother's birthday.  It's such a shame you can't be here.  Can't you fly home for the weekend?  How can we celebrate without you?  We have never had a birthday without everyone at home  You are missing so much..."

It can also be difficult when there is a family emergency.  I have known some parents who expect college children to come home for a significant amount of time if a grandparent is ill or if a parent has surgery.  This can be very disruptive to the student's studies.  I had one student a few years ago who missed an exam--I didn't hear from him--I assigned an "F" for midterm grades--he shows up four weeks later and tells me that he has been out for the past month because his grandmother died.  When I said that a month absence was not acceptable for the death of a grandmother he said, "but I am from another state and I had to stay because my mom was so upset..." 

[katilac]

On 4/8/2018 at 6:59 AM, Chris in VA said:

THose whose kids went far away to school--How often did they come home? How did it impact their experience? Did, for example, they have a tougher time? Did that make them more resilient? Did they wish they'd gone closer? 

What about kids who went to a closer school but lived in a dorm (or, not at home)?

I'd like to discuss, so feel free to add in other aspects of visiting home that I haven't thought of. 

Finally, what do you think your kiddo would experience/feel/think if home was no longer there? 

 

 

My oldest is in her second year, 7 hours away. I do think she would have preferred closer to home but still 'away,' like 3 - 4 hours, but those choices just weren't a good fit. She seems to love her school and I don't think she would change anything, but yes, she has had some rough bouts of homesickness. We see her at least twice a semester above and beyond Christmas and summer. This summer, she will probably be studying abroad for a month, but she'll still have 6 weeks at home. I do think she would have had somewhat less stress a bit closer to home, because she likes cuddles and physical contact for comfort, but overall it is the best school for her. 

Youngest will either be thirty minutes to an hour away in a dorm, or 2 1/2 hours away in a dorm.  She definitely needs to be at a distance where she can come home often and has no desire to be further away. 

For both of them, I think they do/will miss the pets almost more than us! They can video chat and text with us, but oldest severely misses the pets and youngest, aka the cat whisperer, could not longer than a few weeks without seeing them.  

They would be devastated if home was no longer here. They practically hold a funeral every time we get rid of an old appliance and they still speak wistfully of the "good old tree" that was cut down over a decade ago. Change is not their thing, and they've lived here since they were born. Of course, they would get over it if they had to, but I don't see us doing that as it would only be a local move anyway, I can't see any circumstance leading to a long distance move. 

Other aspects: oldest says that she needs the visits home, but it's also hard transitioning from school to home and back again. 

[Bootsie]

DH and I had very different experiences with this.  DH's parents were living in Connecticut and DH went to college in Texas.  However, his parents had just moved to Connecticut the year before; DH had moved at least once every two years growing up.  Going to college and knowing he would be in the same place for 4 years sounded like settling down to him.  Plus, he had spent a couple of years in high school in Texas so he went to college and roomed with one of his best friends from his Texas high school.  

I went to college that was a four-hour drive away from home.  I have a sister who is 12 years younger than I am--she started 1st grade the day I started college.  We were very close and my leaving was hard on her.  Her teacher said that she could tell every time I had been home on the weekend because it was a hard adjustment for my sister each time I left.  

I had a situation where 4 of my 6 best friends from high school had their families move out of town either during our senior year of high school or the following year.  So, going home to me has never been where the old gang gets together and I can really hang out with my old friends.  My cousin, on the other hand, hits town and his parents barely see him because even though he is now in is 50s he is still very close to his friends from high school who still live in the area.

 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

DD is a bit less than 3 hours away.  You might remember the saga of her failing so in love with Rice, receiving a large merit scholarship there, but then deciding that she couldn't be that far way?  For her, she needed to feel like she could be home if she wanted.  It has been nice to have her home for Fall break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, and even Easter weekend.  Our house has been a home away from home for several Duke students this year :) We also go and see her about once a month.  I think she not only needed this to reconnect but she needed to feel like she could see us at the drop of a hat if she needed.  She has not, however, come home on any standard 2 day weekend like she imagined she might.  For her, she knew that having access to home during the year would allow to feel full freedom to spend her summers away if she wanted.  That is exactly what she will do this summer with two back to back summer programs in Europe.  She is so happy that living closer has allowed her to feel free to take these opportunities.  That being said, every student is different.  

[mjbucks1]

My ds is 9+ hours away.  His freshman year he came home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break, and we went to visit once.  This year he just came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we have gone to visit him once.  He will be home only for a few weeks this summer.  He had a really great room mate his freshman year (another homeschooled student) and he is rooming with him and two other friends this year.

I think a couple of things helped our ds.  First, he is VERY laid back.  Virtually nothing "ruffles his feathers", so to speak.  He is also solid in his faith and right away found a church and became active with ministry on campus.  I think "finding his tribe" and making good social connections has made all the difference for ds.  Initially he did not want to go more than 3 hours away, but he loves UA and I don't really think he misses home at all!!

[Kareni]

My parents moved while I was attending college; however, as

On 4/9/2018 at 6:17 AM, 8FillTheHeart said:

 Home is our family, not the building.

My family had moved many times while I was growing up (I attended fifteen schools in twelve years), so their moving was not unfamiliar.  One of the things I relished about college was that it was my first experience of being in one place for four years!

My daughter attended college across country from where we live now.  She came home

Christmas her freshman year

the summer after freshman year

Christmas sophomore year

summer after sophomore year

Christmas junior year (after a half year study abroad in New Zealand)

Christmas senior year (she worked at her college the summer between junior and senior year)

for a brief time after graduating before she moved to South Korea to teach English.
 

It was a fluke that my sister lives an hour or so away from my daughter's college, so my daughter spent the occasional holiday at her house.

My daughter did not suffer from homesickness, so I think the location of her college did not play a huge role in her college experience.  We were fortunate that she was communicative.  We probably chatted every week or so.

Regards,
Kareni

[Corraleno]

DS will be 2500 miles away, with no direct flights, so getting back and forth requires a full day of travel each way. It really doesn't make sense to come home for short breaks like Thanksgiving, and there are often competitions (either NCAA or national) during fall and spring breaks, so I don't expect to see him then, either. I think he'll probably just come home for Christmas break (and that will be short because there are competitions at each end which will use up about half the time), and then summer. After the first year, I expect he'll be doing other things in the summer, like studying abroad (which he can't do during the school year because of sports), so it will probably just be two weeks at Christmas and maybe another 2 weeks in the summer. I think he'll probably be OK — me, not so much. :-( 

[littlebug42]

My kids haven't done this yet but I went to college 1200 miles away from home.  I turned 18 in the dorms with a microwave cake baked by a friend of mine.  I handled it all better than my mother did.  I went home at Thanksgiving, Christmas and for the whole summer my freshman year.  Then, I moved into an apartment and I only went home for Christmas and for about 10 days in the summer.  I specifically chose my college because of how far away from home it was and I loved it.  My mom did move stated while I was in school but I don't remember being bothered by that.  I think that my college experience was the most formative of my life in who I am now as an adult.  I think the experience of having to make decisions for myself while still in a relatively safe environment was critical for me.  I am encouraging my daughters to go at least a little away for college.  Oldest dd is currently looking at schools about 2-3 hours away from home but I am not expecting her to come home too often.  I think she will thrive and she still has the safety of knowing that I am just a text away if she needs some support.

[gingersmom]

My daughter goes to school 2000 miles away and has flown home for every break for the past 3 years.

She will be home in May for 10 days, go back for a week, come home for the weekend (brothers graduation), go back for 8 weeks (summer research job), maybe come back for a few days before doing month abroad and then hopefully a few days home again before school starts.

When she graduates she will be living near her college so the long distance craziness will continue.

[DawnM]

I knew my kids really couldn't handle going so far away that they couldn't get visits from us or come home easily.  Oldest is 4 hours away, middle will be going 3 hours away.

Oldest is on the quarter system, and there is no time for long weekends.  There just isn't.  Each quarter is 10 weeks.  Then he comes home.  We have gone down to visit every 3 weeks or so, but that may go to only once per quarter now that he is better adjusted.

Middle will be on the semester system and is currently a high school senior, so we will find out!  

When I was in college, I was 9,000 miles away.  Thankfully I had an aunt and uncle who opened their home to me and were only 5 hours away.  And my cousin went to the same school, so we would drive back and forth for a couple of years until he graduated and by then I had a car.

[vonfirmath]

My sister and I went to college in the same town my parents lived in. We saw them at church and took laundry home -- until they moved away (Texas-->South Carolina)  (Which actually happened when my sister was a senior in HS)

At which point, we only went to their house for Spring Break and Christmas (I don't think we even went all Summer. We had an apartment together and local jobs) I do not remember this being traumatic at all. My mom's professor moved to the University of South Carolina, of course she was going with hi,m. It was her job that paid the bills after all.  The stress was more about whether dad would go with her or they would end up divorced (He ended up following)

My mom is retiring in June and they have purchased a house and are coming back to Texas.

 

 

[J-rap]

Two of my children went far away -- one across the country and the other in another country altogether.  The one in the other country did fine.  She missed her sisters (well and us ) but she had her fiancé and then husband there.  We actually saw her quite often, considering.  We paid for her to come home on long breaks, and once/year we visited her there.  We also sent her sisters to visit her when we could.  Our ds who was across the country I think had a tougher time.  He was pretty lonely and was already kind of a loner to begin with.  But, he still has fond memories of his time there so I guess it wasn't all bad!  He did come home during the summers and Christmas, and we visited him there once/year or so.

Another couple of dd's went to a school in our state, just a few hours away.  That was nice because we could drive there for special events, concerts, etc., and actually ended up seeing them a lot because they went to school in the same city that my parents live in.  My parents' home was often a gathering for all of us on weekends. We'd all stay overnight there.  We probably ended up seeing those kids every other week!

[BlsdMama]

On 4/8/2018 at 6:59 AM, Chris in VA said:

THose whose kids went far away to school--How often did they come home? How did it impact their experience? Did, for example, they have a tougher time? Did that make them more resilient? Did they wish they'd gone closer? 

What about kids who went to a closer school but lived in a dorm (or, not at home)?

I'd like to discuss, so feel free to add in other aspects of visiting home that I haven't thought of. 

Finally, what do you think your kiddo would experience/feel/think if home was no longer there? 

 

DS lives about 45-50 minutes away.  He comes home for holidays or special occasions.  He didn't miss us one bit.  He's happy where he's at.  He is in the dorm.  

I think, for him, it was the combination of choosing his dorm mate - it was a kid he knew from our homeschool program and the fact that he did Mock so he got "plugged in" with a group right away and that group swallowed up his entire weekends. The only thing left was the M-Th grind and having to work and study.