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Bullied kindergartener does not want to home school


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My daughter is being bullied at school. When I explain to her she is being bullied, she doesn't get it. Basically, this one little girl, and really, it is two of them who are best friends who have always known each other, have this club. They decide who is in it. And no one in the club can talk to or play with anyone who is not in the club. My daughter told me about it at the beginning of the year when she was selected for the club and was so happy about it. I tried to explain to her why this is wrong and that this is not a good person to be friends with. I did not hear any more about the club until after Christmas. Then at some point after Christmas break, my daughter came home crying and said she was kicked out of the club because she was not pretty enough. I tried talking to her. She carefully picked out clothes, everything. But the girl continued on. I already asked my daughter to speak to the teacher about it but she refused saying she would get in trouble from that girl.  I told her we could talk to the teacher and not tell the teacher who told. By this point, I had heard from three other parents of girls that they were having problems too.  Then, I went to the teacher myself and let her know what was going on and made it clear that my daughter said she would get in trouble from that other little girl. In the end, the school counselor, who is this grumpy mean woman who never smiles, calls both girls in at the same time and tells the girl what my daughter said. The girl denied it and my daughter stayed quiet and didn't defend herself. Then when they got back to the classroom, the girl proceeded to boss her around and told the other girls "make <daughter's name> lonely." ALL the girls stopped playing with her. She also would walk to where ever my daughter was and tell her she had to leave or she would tell the teacher that my daughter was picking on her. My daughter is extremely shy and will clam up when confronted with anything. So she keeps walking away. I told my daughter to stop walking away when this happens and stand up for herself when the girl does this and even tried to role play how to do this, but she said she doesn't want to get in to trouble. Then, a few days ago, the girl let my daughter back in to the club because the girl is having a birthday party this weekend and wants my daughter to bring her a specific present. My daughter has let me know she NEEDS to find that present so that this girl will like her and let her play with the other girls in the class too. I said we would not be going to that party. I already heard from 3 girl mom's that their daughters won't be going. One girl mom is letting her daughter go. My daughter is convinced that she will get in big trouble if she does not show up at that party with the requested present. Then, to top it off, this morning, my husband got out a pink shirt with a flag on it and my daughter refused to wear it because this girl already said this shirt was ugly. 

 

The principal seriously refuses to deal with it. And when I went over her head and reported it to higher ups, the principal blew up at me. She did not want to talk about the bullying, she just wanted to be very angry at me for going over her head. Also, I have a lot of friends on my FB page that are school board members and I posted about some of the goings on and it got back to her.  The principal called me in today, being all sweet and fake telling me she wanted to discuss the bullying. But once I was in her office and she shut the door, she started ripping in to me. And she refused to discuss the bullying and she was so unhinged that I seriously doubt her mental stability. She actually told me to leave and then stood in front of her office door and would not let me leave and back and forth like that. I called my husband and left him on the phone so he could hear what was going on (she did not know I had done that, I held the phone in my hands and she could not see, I wish I had just done voice memo instead). Then after I left, finally managed to get out of there, I spoke to my husband and he insisted I go back in and take the kids. He was right. I did go back in and took the kids. But my daughter was sad. She says she loves kindergarten and doesn't want to leave.

 

Seriously, she knows she is going to be home schooled next year anyway.  But she is very sad about leaving now, as in, not going back next week or even tomorrow. When I reminded her of how that girl treats her, she told me how the girl is letting her play again now and she just needs to take that present to her to the birthday party this weekend. 

 

Seriously...?? Seriously....it is like a thug taking lunch money. And this principal was so unstable and unhinged....what would you do? I am in shock over the principal's unstable behavior that it is hard to process. In reality, I know I should not allow my children to go back. The whole thing is bad.  I called a relative who is a school counselor and she said they are seeing this mean girl behavior in lower and lower grades and she herself would home school if she did not have to work.

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I'm so sorry to read about this. I just wanted to drop in and suggest this book to you. I read it even though I don't have a little girl, and so have a number of my friends' with girls in elementary school. I thought the book was wonderfully helpful in helping parents process this and how to talk with their daughters about it depending on whether your daughter is the queen bee, follower or the one being bullied. It sounds like your daughter was both of the latter roles at different points in time. There are lots of discussion scenarios to help guide you in talking with your daughter. It's hard. Your daughter doesn't have the maturity or judgment to understand why she is drawn to this little girl and which is going on internally/psychologically to allow this girl to have so much power and influence over her. I hope that you can help her process through and even though she is temporarily upset about leaving school, with time, distance, and your help, I think you will be able to help bully-proof her and help her through her feelings and transition to a better place. Teaching her to discern what a true friend and how to recognize those who try to take her power away and manipulate her for their selfish gain will carry her far in life in friendships and future relationships.



https://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof-ebook/dp/B003P9W6ZA

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That is so awful. Your DD is lucky to have homeschool as an option! The parents of the bully must be pretty well connected people of none of the so-called adults at the school are willing to stand up to their kindergartener.

Maybe your daughter and the other girls who aren't going to the party can get together for their own cupcakes and fun?

 

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Honestly sometimes being a sensitive parent who cares about your child’s emotional wellbeing isn’t just compatible with telling them no, it requires that you do.

Or in plain English, kindergarteners don’t make parent decisions.  Acknowledge her feelings about your choice to remove her, but be clear that the decision is already made and not up for debate.

I’d plan a fun first week of home kindergarten and talk about it a lot.  Make a stack of favorite books to read together, go shopping for new crayons and paint, maybe even plan a field trip.  At this age, distraction is still my favorite parenting technique.

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A five year old, especially one who is trying to please a bully, does not get to make these kinds of decisions. I'm normally one for giving kids a say as well but she obviously doesn't understand she is being manipulated by this girl and her clique. Add to that an apathetic school counselor and an abusive principal,  (confronting a bully and victim together? keeping you from leaving? Who does those things?) I would be telling my child, 'I'm sorry you are disappointed with my decision but sometimes as your mommy I have to make choices to keep you safe that you won't agree with. I not trying to be mean, I love you very much and sometimes that means I have to choose keeping you safe over letting you have what you want or go places where people don't have your best interests at heart. Now, what should we do first in our new homeschool adventure?'

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I'm so sorry.

On the positive side, it sounds like you and your husband are on the same team here. Can you gain some strength from that?

Would it also help to consider that holding your daughter and allowing her to be as frustrated/sad/angry as she wants about not going back to school might help erase some of the past year's effects on her? She's got a lot to unload emotionally, and it's easier to scream and cry at your loving and caring mom than it is at the girls who have been nasty. In about twenty years, she might be mature enough to admit that she was actually profoundly relieved that you decided to remove her from school.

I agree that a simple explanation is best, and then just acknowledging her feelings about it. "I talked to the grown-ups there, and they are having a hard time keeping all of the kids safe and healthy. I know you really want to go back, but Daddy and I are going to keep you home where we can take good care of you...I know it's disappointing for you...I hear this is not the choice you'd make...it's frustrating when we tell you you're not going to do something you want to do...." etc. This is not the time to remind her school was making her miserable and those weren't her true friends because it invites her to argue with you and negotiate (unless you have the rare child who will ponder and say suddenly, "You're right, mother, thank you so much for pointing that out. Now I see your wisdom, and I apologize for every doubting you."-- that would be nice).

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10 hours ago, JanetC said:

That is so awful. Your DD is lucky to have homeschool as an option! The parents of the bully must be pretty well connected people of none of the so-called adults at the school are willing to stand up to their kindergartener.

Maybe your daughter and the other girls who aren't going to the party can get together for their own cupcakes and fun?

 

It is not about being well connected as it is about the school having always been apathetic about bullying. 

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The girls being mean are just small children too. The teachers and principal should have intervened to correct the situation. In your shoes, I’d definitely homeschool. If your daughter enjoys certain aspects of school, look for a co-op and a homeschool group for her. I expect little kids to act in all sorts of way, including being mean. But I don’t expect adults to stand by and do nothing about it. So sorry you all had to go through that. Hugs.

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Um she is 5, she can be sad all she wants, as the parent it is up to you to protect her and make the big decisions, such as when to start homeschooling.  Outside of the bullying issue, no way would I have my kids in a school run by a crazy person.

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I agree with everyone.  She wants to stay for unhealthy reasons. As a former teacher, the fact that the adults know this is going on and it is still going strong for so long with 5 year olds is also disturbing.  You are right to take her out of that toxic environment.

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What a horrible situation! I hope they can get rid of that Principle. I feel like you have done your due diligence and the school is not being helpful. I would not hesitate to pull her immediately. It has gone on far too long as it is. She does not need to spend her day in such an unhealthy environment, :( Kudos to you for managing the situation. 

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Oh my goodness :( I am so sorry. I will concur with others and say it is time to pull her. Even if she is upset now it won't last long. Kindergarteners don't always love change but they do adjust. What is happening to her is really unhealthy as you know. 

As for the other  girl involved she too is a little one and must be emulating someone either in her life or on television. That is just really odd behavior for someone so young. I place the burden on all of the adults in this situation. At the first sign of this they should have implemented whole class social skills activities and put some focus on skill building in that way. The principal seems absolutely BSC and I might be inclined to call the superintendents office. 

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There's no way I'd allow any kid of mine in that mess.

Not only would I not allow her to go back to that school,  I'd start researching materials on how to teach at developmentally appropriate levels a child with an extreme pleaser personality  to set up some boundaries.  It's very unusual for a child to be so badly and consistently hurt by mean girls like that then to volunteer for more.

 

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I have homeschooled from the beginning but even homeschoolers run into this kind of thing. I agree with the posters who pointed out that it can be expected that five year olds may be mean and also those who suggested some ongoing attention to character development for those of us who are people-pleasers. My daughter is not a bit shy and typically very assertive but we ran into a similar situation with a neighborhood friend group when she was 3 (!) Same exact thing: Best friends forever/ I don't like you anymore... on again off again. It was exacerbated because my husband and I saw the other parents socially quite often and because I knew the family well I can say for sure that she was not modelling her parents behavior and in my opinion was also too young to be acting out something she saw on a screen. I think that just like some kids are prone to people pleasing some are prone to other character flaws like bullying. Though her parents are aware of the problem and do their best their now nine year old is still a bully. In the end I gradually eliminated play with this girl  because I believed it was going to be a long-term pattern. 

What would alarm me most about this situation wouldn't necessarily be the bullying (though you're wise to address it) but the way the school has responded. Clearly a toxic environment and likely not only in this circumstance.  

PS-My daughter was actively disappointed when I explained that we couldn't spend time with her "friend" anymore but six years later she completely understands. It didn't take too long. 

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18 hours ago, Gabrielsyme said:

I have homeschooled from the beginning but even homeschoolers run into this kind of thing. I agree with the posters who pointed out that it can be expected that five year olds may be mean and also those who suggested some ongoing attention to character development for those of us who are people-pleasers. My daughter is not a bit shy and typically very assertive but we ran into a similar situation with a neighborhood friend group when she was 3 (!) Same exact thing: Best friends forever/ I don't like you anymore... on again off again. It was exacerbated because my husband and I saw the other parents socially quite often and because I knew the family well I can say for sure that she was not modelling her parents behavior and in my opinion was also too young to be acting out something she saw on a screen. I think that just like some kids are prone to people pleasing some are prone to other character flaws like bullying. Though her parents are aware of the problem and do their best their now nine year old is still a bully. In the end I gradually eliminated play with this girl  because I believed it was going to be a long-term pattern. 

What would alarm me most about this situation wouldn't necessarily be the bullying (though you're wise to address it) but the way the school has responded. Clearly a toxic environment and likely not only in this circumstance.  

PS-My daughter was actively disappointed when I explained that we couldn't spend time with her "friend" anymore but six years later she completely understands. It didn't take too long. 

Exactly. My husband keeps saying we are homeschooling her because of the bullying, and I keep telling him no, we are homeschooling because the principal is mentally unstable and the teacher is apathetic.

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On 4/6/2018 at 10:42 PM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

There's no way I'd allow any kid of mine in that mess.

Not only would I not allow her to go back to that school,  I'd start researching materials on how to teach at developmentally appropriate levels a child with an extreme pleaser personality  to set up some boundaries.  It's very unusual for a child to be so badly and consistently hurt by mean girls like that then to volunteer for more.

 

Homeschool Mom in AZ, do you know of any resources that discuss people pleasing personalities? 

OP - I’m so sorry to hear about this. I wish you a joyful first homeschool year! Kinder was So Much Fun and you and your daughter have many fun experiences ahead of you and many wonderful memories to make!

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Pitifully, I am this way too. I have stupidly found myself seeking approval from people who bullied. For example, seventh grade, Stacy was just so cool. And she always was mean to me. One time, she kicked the books out from under my desk. It was always that sort of thing. On the rare occasion she was nice, I took it as a glimmer of hope that I was an okay person, I was liked. It has been more than thirty years since seventh grade. Yet, a few years ago, I saw she was friended with some people on my Facebook page. I sent her a friend request and was rejected. Inside, I wished I were acceptable to her. But in reality, that is about her, not me. I need to remember all the nice people from my childhood and not take her rejection personally. Although, I still don’t know why she doesn’t like me. But whatever. The point is, I know how my daughter feels and what she is going through.

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3 hours ago, Janeway said:

Pitifully, I am this way too. I have stupidly found myself seeking approval from people who bullied. For example, seventh grade, Stacy was just so cool. And she always was mean to me. One time, she kicked the books out from under my desk. It was always that sort of thing. On the rare occasion she was nice, I took it as a glimmer of hope that I was an okay person, I was liked. It has been more than thirty years since seventh grade. Yet, a few years ago, I saw she was friended with some people on my Facebook page. I sent her a friend request and was rejected. Inside, I wished I were acceptable to her. But in reality, that is about her, not me. I need to remember all the nice people from my childhood and not take her rejection personally. Although, I still don’t know why she doesn’t like me. But whatever. The point is, I know how my daughter feels and what she is going through.

"Stacy" is an idiot & so is this K'er. This may upset 'middle of the road' members but some people are just mean (apparently from birth) & you need not feel 'pitiful' in your desire to be treated humanely by them. I have found people like this lacking empathy, joy, intimacy, and fufilment. Some people lack depth--period. I also find it worthwhile to call out these folks on their (bad) behavior--they oftentimes visibly stumble when confronted with their snobbery (reverse psychology is a bummer, eh?). It's a nice way of leveling the playing field.

The way I see it is this: we have only so much time on this earth. We can decide to make it an enriching and growing experience. People who prevent us from doing so should be respectfully (but firmly) shoved to the side. Their karmic journey is not ours. We have higher purposes to attend to. Let our beliefs and actions lead the way--for those (bullies) who require examples on how to live authentically.  

 

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I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It seems to be such a common thing with girls lately. I have many friends with K-3 girls and every single one is dealing with bullying issues like you describe. 

I don't know if this is the "best" way, but personally, I'd probably tell her "Guess what? You've done so well in kindergarten that you're graduating!" Then proceed to have a little end of the school week special dinner for her, maybe plan a special outing or adventure to celebrate the following week, and then stealth kindergarten her until June. Sing songs, read fairy tales, bake, take nature walks, count and sort things, and draw pictures. It's April, it's kindergarten, she doesn't even need to know she's being homeschooled.

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