Jump to content

Menu

s/o Tween discipline


fairfarmhand
 Share

Recommended Posts

My just turned 13 yo is going through an extremely crabby phase. Since I've got older kids , I have for awhile been comfortable leaving them indoors while I work outside for awhile. I also leave them home while I go get a haircut, go to the doctor, errands, etc.

Here lately, 3 out of 4 times, I leave the house only to come home or get a call for fighting and hatefulness from my 13 yo. It's not always the same kid she's fighting with. I'm thinking about tomato staking her. Because unless I'm right there, she seems to end up in a huge fight with someone. 

I am confident that it's not just other siblings picking on her or starting it. I spend time lurking around listening around corners. She's just very irritable and crabby. She'll respond to someone accidentally  bumping into her by shoving the person across the room. She just becomes irrational and over emotional so quickly.

I'm pretty sure she's not being bullied online or in real life. She's got plenty of time with friends, plenty of activities. She's not depressed.

She just has a hair trigger here lately. The other kids still talk about the great potato peeler fight when she got irrationally angry over which potato peeler to use.

So I'm thinking that she needs to accompany me when I work, when I go places, for awhile. I just can't trust her to not either blow up or to be mean to siblings if I am not there to tell her to stop it immediately.

Any body tried this?

I'm open to other suggestions too. I just don't know what to do with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is motivating to her?  One friend had her child pay for their own sitter (past typical sitter ages when their behavior was the cause) out of their own money or extra chores.

Would she be motivated by a "reward" of some sort of good behavior when you are gone?

 

Could be she just has to go with you if she can't be trusted alone.

Are there other mood swings issues, etc that might warrant a doctor's visit?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've done it.  "The rest of the house needs to feel safe and comfortable.  You are not as in control of yourself as you could be right now, so I need you with me."

 

It ends quicker than just telling the person to knock it off because they're being held directly accountable for their behavior and it inconveniences them.  We start back again with small bites of trust: me leaving the room, me working in another area of the home...and work up to short outings as the communication and anger management techniques they should have learned are being used more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

My just turned 13 yo is going through an extremely crabby phase. Since I've got older kids , I have for awhile been comfortable leaving them indoors while I work outside for awhile. I also leave them home while I go get a haircut, go to the doctor, errands, etc.

Here lately, 3 out of 4 times, I leave the house only to come home or get a call for fighting and hatefulness from my 13 yo. It's not always the same kid she's fighting with. I'm thinking about tomato staking her. Because unless I'm right there, she seems to end up in a huge fight with someone. 

I am confident that it's not just other siblings picking on her or starting it. I spend time lurking around listening around corners. She's just very irritable and crabby. She'll respond to someone accidentally  bumping into her by shoving the person across the room. She just becomes irrational and over emotional so quickly.

I'm pretty sure she's not being bullied online or in real life. She's got plenty of time with friends, plenty of activities. She's not depressed.

She just has a hair trigger here lately. The other kids still talk about the great potato peeler fight when she got irrationally angry over which potato peeler to use.

So I'm thinking that she needs to accompany me when I work, when I go places, for awhile. I just can't trust her to not either blow up or to be mean to siblings if I am not there to tell her to stop it immediately.

Any body tried this?

I'm open to other suggestions too. I just don't know what to do with her.

A thirteen yo female literally shoving another person across a room? If you aren't using hyperbole, that would seriously concern me. 

I know you've been thru a lot with your oldest and I wonder if this child has a similar disposition?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think your idea of bringing her with you is a good one.

My oldest was super, super unkind with her siblings at that age. We did a combo of threats and rewards so we could get through a date night without issues. We told everyone (not just her) that we would check in with all of them about how the night went. Anyone who caused problems would get grounded. If they all did well, we'd bring them donuts. It worked. It turns out that with proper motivation, they all had the ability to be kind to each other. 

Not the best solution but we were really desperate for our date nights.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think your idea sounds reasonable.  My other thought though is you could try doing almost the opposite - I wonder how she might respond if she actually had some sort of actual responsibility to fulfill while you are doing whatever?  Sometimes people seem to pull themselves together when they actually have a real job, and I think younger kids sometimes get used to being sort of catered to.

Anyway, that might be a totally useless idea, or just impossible to create the situation, I thought I'd mention in it case it seems plausible though.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Get her into some anger management teaching as soon as possible.  You can always start with a few books, or whatever.  But, she is establishing a response to stress that is destructive.  You must give her the tools to correct this behavior.  The longer you allow it to go on, the more ingrained the reaction will become.  Just getting her to go with you is not likely to help.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...