Someone else needs to instill some grit into my 8yo - commiserate with me

[blondeviolin]

She cries the moment she is told she's wrong. For instance, she is crying next to me because I pointed out she subtracted instead of adding.

 

It's not just the crying, but the histrionics of it: nobody likes her, math is horrible, she's so dumb, sullen faces, moaning about how third grade is so horrible. Large erasing motions.

 

It's the same when her brother is doing anything she doesn't like.

 

And yet she is so stubborn and dishes out teasing almost worse than he does. And she is manipulative.

 

*yoda voice* Emotion is strong with this one.

 

Sadly, I don't have patience for all of her drama. I am going to be bald before the end of the school year.

 

(And, yes, we have tried the snack, sleep, shower. And putting away and come back to it. It's just EMOTION that she feels so deeply. Which makes it hard to teach...because she needs to be rational to teach...)

Edited March 21, 2018 by blondeviolin

[Terabith]

That exact scenario is why I sent both of my children to school after third grade.  They do not cry and carry on there.  And they both had genuine revelation that other people also struggled with things.  Despite my assurances to the contrary, they honestly thought I was uniquely torturing them by requiring them to exert effort to learn things that did not come instantly.  They really did not believe me that other people had to work.  I simply could not take the screaming any more, and that was why they went to school.  

[nixpix5]

*hug* That can be tough. One thing that helps in our house is talking about celebrating our mistakes. I hung quotes about failing from some great minds in history. We talk about how if we were always right we wouldn't be learning. Getting something wrong means we are learning and mistakes mean we are learning deeply when we have to face them. Then we so this super silly thing where we go "Whoo hoo! I failed! I'm learning!" We just make a big deal about it. Even my DH will come in from work and talk about an experiment that failed with the same enthusiasm. It has transformed our attitudes. I have a perfectionist too and it has helped him so much!

[solascriptura]

Your experience is my youngest to a T.  She was also the first one to go to public school.  She asked to go because she didn't like me teaching or correcting her.  While I'm not advocating that you do the same, it did help our relationship immensely.  She still hates it when I correct her homework.  lol.

[Chris in VA]

Does she act that way with other adult teachers? IOW, is she unable to contain the emotion, or choosing to not contain it with you?

[blondeviolin]

She doesn't cry with other teachers. I even asked her and she said with a shrug, "I just try again." Gah! 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸

 

Sending her to school won't solve much because she is this way when I'm correcting behavior too. She just cries and can't move kni reasoning why or how whatever action was wrong.

[ktgrok]

We talk a LOT about how everyone makes mistakes or they wouldn't put erasers on pencils. 

 

I also found there was less drama if the child in question did their work in their own room. Drama isn't fun with no one to witness it. 

[Rosie_0801]

She doesn't cry with other teachers. I even asked her and she said with a shrug, "I just try again." Gah! 🤦🏼‍♀️

 

Sending her to school won't solve much because she is this way when I'm correcting behavior too. She just cries and can't move kni reasoning why or how whatever action was wrong.

 

Does she understand that she's treating you badly?

[fairfarmhand]

"Dear, do you WANT school to take forever? Because school takes forever this way. Everyone makes mistakes in learning. If you weren't making mistakes you wouldn't be learning. Think about doing Kindergarten work. Would you make any mistakes? Would you be learning anything? Falling to pieces over each and every error is wearing me out. So from now on, every time you start being emotional about mistakes, you will need to go to your room. You will stay there until you can do your work without crying."

 

Choose a day when you can be home all day long. Every time the drama starts, just point to the bedroom. "Feel free to cry all you want, but you must do it in there, and the work will not go away because you are crying. We'll just have to finish it later. You can't annoy people with crying all the time."

 

Stay calm. Stay firm. 

 

I imagine it will lessen, but probably not go away altogether, because I have this kid. I actually have 2 of them. 

 

Sigh.

 

Such is life.

[Katy]

Does she understand that she's treating you badly?

 

This.  I'd start with her not being allowed to treat those in the family (including mom) with any less respect than she would treat anyone else. I'd announce this new rule before school work started, then give one warning, then whatever consequence you're currently using for other bad behavior.

[Tanaqui]

Is this a long-standing issue, or has it started relatively recently?

[Terabith]

Honestly, my kids did it when I corrected behavior, too.  But, once I wasn't homeschooling, they got far FEWER corrections from me (and fewer praises, too, but whatever), and it was easier for them to hold themselves together when I corrected behavior.  Part of it was the age, too.  I think that third/ fourth grade is worse than teens, honestly.  I don't know that it's the solution for everyone.  I wish I could have kept homeschooling my younger one, at least.  But our relationships are so much better now.  They were just somehow unable to bear the intensity of me correcting them, and they really needed to witness other people regularly messing up and being corrected.  I've wondered if I could bring my younger one back home again, but I have a feeling we would run into that issue again.  ETA:  I don't think they really could control their behavior, either.  We tried every approach under the sun.  It wasn't manipulative, really.  They just honestly believed I was torturing them, and it hurt their perfectionistic little hearts.  My younger one was melting down even with outside teachers when we homeschooled, but once she lost the habit of melting down, and saw others struggling, it stopped.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Terabith

[Mergath]

Yeah, my 9yo is in that stage. Where she has ALL THE FEELS and everything is either the best thing ever or the worst disaster of her life. We're doing the best we can while she's in this phase. Lots of hugs, lots of listening on my end, and lots of independent reading assignments for her. ;) 

[Terabith]

To be fair, my kids had NEVER had any grit and had ALWAYS, from toddlerhood, done the screaming thing at any frustration.  And my younger kid did it with people other than me, as well, hiding under tables and crying at art lessons or piano or co-op or whatever.  But actual school broke her of that habit.  I think she really, honestly believed nobody else ever had to work at anything, no matter how much I told her or books we read or how much I modeled making mistakes or anything.  All frustration was my fault and meant she was a horrible failure who would never be able to do anything.  It was exhausting.  We had done therapy to no avail.

[Rosie_0801]

Yeah, my 9yo is in that stage. Where she has ALL THE FEELS and everything is either the best thing ever or the worst disaster of her life. We're doing the best we can while she's in this phase. Lots of hugs, lots of listening on my end, and lots of independent reading assignments for her. ;)

 

 

Soooooooooooo much hugging.......

[SKL]

I have had a similar feeling recently.  I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, which is ridiculous.  I had the kid in tears because I asked her to use part of her snow day to do something that will benefit her.  Never mind the fact that if it wasn't a snow day, she would be slogging at school all day.  :P  Tears?  I am too tired for that crap.  I did force myself to "be strong," but I have a feeling this won't be the last struggle.  :P

[blondeviolin]

Yeah. She's always been this way. TBH, she holds herself together in other classes fine, but they are classes she enjoys. This is occurring when she DOESN'T enjoy the material.

 

We send her to her room. And she stays there for hours listening to solemn music and feeling sorrow. No joke, sometimes she will even change clothes because "blue is the color of sorrow" or whatever.

 

On the flip side, she forgets so easily that she spent 90 minutes crying about having to redo one math problem.

 

Also, she was apparently exhausted today because she fell asleep an hour early while watching TV.

 

But, still. My day was so long I'm now binge-watching ER, surfing the web, and eating an entire bag of chips. Mom life is so glamorous.

[Carrie12345]

I have TWO of those, a year apart.   TWO!  (And the next kid in line is also challenging.)  I don't want to lie and say it gets ALL better, but I can say that it's *mostly better, with math still being THE THING that can destroy a day. Or several.

 

In my situation, I don't consider it a grit issue.  Both of my girls do hard things, primarily in the physical sense, but also tackling other types of challenges.  Or maybe it is a grit issue and those opportunities are what has brought the improvements. Hmm. You've given me some food for thought.

 

After about the 4th grade (give or take... they are a year apart) I did start experimenting with different schooling methods. It was (and still is) hard for me to accept that maybe they would do better with methods that I didn't think of as highly as the ones I was following, but I did wind up with happier kids who were learning more. Except in math. I have zero good math-specific advice!!!  In all the other areas, more relaxed, sometimes independent, interest driven, experience-based, and often outsourced subjects/classes have made a world of difference.

 

I had considered putting them in school, but it wasn't really a reasonable option for us. Today, they're glad they're still homeschooled, so I'm glad we weathered the worst of the storm.  Even though dealing with them and math still sucks!

 

 

 

[fralala]

I spent many years being your 8 year old.

 

The thing that finally instilled some grit in me?

 

Having kids of my own.

 

I struggle to deal with their behavior in a calm, patient, loving, firm, self-respecting kind of way, and often fail, but then I get to dust myself off and try again the next moment! Grit! At last.

 

(I don't actually say to my daughter, "Your challenge is math, and my challenge is you," though. Most days.)

[HomeAgain]

I break out Mrs. Pigglewiggle in times like that. :laugh:  Hearing a story about a child who floods the house by crying is enough to make a child aware of her/himself, and the gentle ribbing after helps nip it in the bud.  There was a time here when we'd all shout, "Son's book!  Don't Touch!" :lol:

 

If you don't know Mrs. Pigglewiggle, she's a little old lady who lives in an upside-down house and provides magic (and not so magic) cures to parents who are at their wits' end.  Each chapter is a different cure and there are 4 or so books to go through.

[Ausmumof3]

Yep! I have one here too! I think it peaks at around 8 or 9 then peters. I can't wait for the emotional regulation to develop.

 

In the meantime I have about five minutes of sympathy then it's bedroom time. That seems harsh but longer than that is disruptive to the other kids and likely to push me beyond my regulation point!

 

Also try to see what the cues are that frustration is building and do a brain break before you hit that. Of course doesn't work when they go from zero to 100 in seconds but if it's more of a slow building storm you might be able to stave it off.

[Bluegoat]

Oh, my dd10 is like this.  She no longer gets as upset, but she sees deep injustice in things that work against her.  Like me telling her she has to do math.  And then she goes and writes these stories about how the universe is about her or plays depressing music on the piano.  And cries and says no one loves her.  Or asks me for the 1000th time why we have the kid down the street coming after school.

 

I do sometimes feel like she is just so out of touch with reality, I want to send her off to live with a tribe in the desert.

 

My son is similar, except he doesn't moan, he just loses it when I correct him.  

[nixpix5]

I break out Mrs. Pigglewiggle in times like that. :laugh: Hearing a story about a child who floods the house by crying is enough to make a child aware of her/himself, and the gentle ribbing after helps nip it in the bud. There was a time here when we'd all shout, "Son's book! Don't Touch!" :lol:

 

If you don't know Mrs. Pigglewiggle, she's a little old lady who lives in an upside-down house and provides magic (and not so magic) cures to parents who are at their wits' end. Each chapter is a different cure and there are 4 or so books to go through.

My DD 8 has read through my entire series from when I was a kid. So much wisdom in those books. :)

[Seasider]

Best thing I did with my girls was to have a talk about hormones and emotions and how to recognize when we are overreacting. How to identify and name emotions.

 

I will say, though, it was very tempting to just have my own day(s) of modeling their level of drama, so they could get a clue about what it looks like to live with.

 

Hugs, patience, personal stories, chocolate, time. All help.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Seasider

[wintermom]

Sometimes it's simply the setting at home - which is nice and private. It's much easier for both student and teacher to lose some emotional control. ;)  You could try bringing the gang to the library or another quiet away-from-home location and do math.