Preparing kids for relative passing

[Lawyer&Mom]

A very elderly relative has been diagnosed with cancer. It will be only a month or two before they pass. This person has had a very full life, this will not be tragic. Still, it will be my kids first exposure to death (ages 2 and 4) Any advice? How to bring it up? Things we should try to do now while we can? This is someone they love, but not immediate family. Honestly, I think this is a gift to my kids to have a gentle introduction to death.

[Catwoman]

At ages 2 and 4, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Your kids are so little that I wouldn’t try to “prepare†them for the death at all. If they ask questions, you can be honest, but please be careful not to frighten them and make them worry that if someone they love gets sick, that person will die.

 

I’m sorry about your family member. :grouphug:

Edited March 18, 2018 by Catwoman

[umsami]

Do you have beliefs regarding the after life?  

 

Other than that, i agree with those above.  

 

Strangely, when my Dad died, one of the things the kids remembered were the books "Dog Heaven" and "Cat Heaven" we have by Cynthia Rylant.  So in my youngest eyes, Grandpa had gone to visit Paws (my childhood dog) in Dog Heaven.... and sometimes he'd get to see Cloud the cat in Cat Heaven.   They figured out that they weren't going to see Grandpa again, but would comfort themselves by talking about all the fun he and Paws would have eating cheese on a porch in Dog Heaven together.  

 

I'm sorry to hear about your relative.  I hope they are hooked up with hospice.  They were wonderful to our family and made everything 1000% better.

Edited March 18, 2018 by umsami

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd just be very matter of fact about it. 

[PeterPan]

We've had a number of people die in our family over the last few years. For some of them, my dc were more aware, because my dc had to be in the house while the person was on hospice. For some of them, even though the person was someone who had done nice things with one of my dc, that dc wasn't around while that person was going through the hard stages. 

 

So there's really sort of a need to know and dealing with the level of exposure you're dealing with. My ds has autism, and he was both exposed AND not able to understand it on many levels. That was super, super hard to deal with. With him, on the counsel of our LSW behaviorist, we took a really basic approach of keeping him company, doing nice things with him, and helping him know there would be more fun days ahead, that there were more people to have fun with, that things would be happy again. Later, we took him to the graveside for private times where he could process and cry. He was EXCEPTIONALLY close to that person. For all the others, honestly, it was just a non-issue.

 

Even for my dd (not on the spectrum), the passings of people who were not super close relatives was just not a big issue. There was affection, but it was ok, move on, not hard to wrangle with. The more entwined the relationship, the more *loss* there is, kwim? 

 

And yes, I would be very straightforward and say what you believe. In our family, we said the person's body was wearing down, they were not feeling well, that we needed to be gentle and be on our best, angelic behavior, that they were very tired, and that soon they would go to be with Jesus and we would see them again someday.

[PeterPan]

As far as taking them to visit once the person is declining, personally I would be careful. It's a lot to process. There's a thought of ok, seeing young children might cheer the person up, people like seeing kids in stressful situations. But there's also the fear of the dc and the inability to process. I would err toward caution.

 

Fwiw, one thing I REGRET with the passing of a particular relative is that I didn't make their funeral video BEFORE they passed. It was so dumb. We had some warning, knew the person was declining, and I think they would have enjoyed seeing their pictures put into such a nice video. For making videos, I scan the pictures at super high resolution (1200 dpi), edit, and then pull them into Animoto.

Edited March 18, 2018 by PeterPan

[katilac]

My kids were the same age when my sister died, although nearly 3 & 5. She had an autoimmune disease, but cancer wound up being the stated cause of death. 

 

I emphasized the word "disease" instead of sickness. iirc, I didn't say that she was going to die or likely to die soon, partially because she had been defying the odds for years, and partially because little kids don't have much of a reference for soon, or next month. It would have been impossible to not tell them anything ahead of time, because their lives were a bit upended as I spent a good amount of time at the hospital. 

 

They visited her fairly early on in the hospital visit. They did not visit toward the end. Is visiting possibly in the cards for your kids? If it is, I can tell you more about when I did and did not allow my kids to visit. Short version, I would recommend having taking some cute photos and having them draw some pretty pictures to send over actual visits, unless the patient is very well pain-controlled and very lucid. 

 

After she died, we talked about how people would cry and be sad because they were going to miss her. They were at the funeral home for part of visitation, but not in the room where the casket was. They knew that was a way of saying goodbye. We have a big family, and the tradition of laughing and telling stories in addition to crying, so they got lots of attention there and it wasn't overly difficult for them. 

 

They seemed to get the permanence of death right away, and never thought they were going to see her again the way I've heard some kids do. We talked about her and made comments like, oh, auntie would enjoy this if she were here. 

[greenbeanmama]

Tomie DePaola has a book called Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs that deals with the death of his great grandmother.  It's definitely appropriate for a four-year-old, and I'd assume the two-year-old would listen but not really follow along much.  I would just read it to them, not making any comparisons about future family events.  It was actually my youngest's favorite book for months when she was about four.