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Friend’s Rude 9 year old. Help!

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Hi, my friend has an abnoxious, rude, and very disrespectful 7 year old who has no qualms about being disrespectful to family members and adult friends. We had a play date (3 moms & 4 kids.) My son is 3, and the other mom has 2 three year old twin daughters. Daughters are coloring on one side of the room, and the hosting mom was in the kitchen. Her son was acting absolutely inappropriately so I told him that. He responded with: well, I can call CPS. Mind you, he had mentioned calling cps on his mom once because she wouldn’t buy him a hamster. The other mom had already been packing up the girls’ stuff, but she heard what the hosting mom’s son said. Both of our mouths dropped open. I told him that you don’t joke around like that and that it wasn’t funny. Hosting mom comes back into the room and I told her my son and I were leaving as well. I sounded stern, and then her child says to me: (in front of her) you don’t have to get snotty about it. Jaws dropped again, and this time I told my son to get his shoes on because we were leaving now. His mom did tell him it wasn’t nice to say that, but making him sit in a corner to think about how his poor attitude has just affected his life. I haven’t spoken to the mom since, and will not have my son playing with the other boy again. My son doesn’t need to learn bad habits at this very impressionable age. What do I say to the mom if she calls?

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She's probably humiliated and if she calls may be sheepish or apologize. I don't know that I'd worry about hearing from her. I might have told her about the cos comment that day, so she was aware. But he's already done that to her face? (over the hampster).

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What I tell my kids at times like that is that the obnoxious child may have special needs.  I don't avoid them but I tell my kids they are not allowed to engage in that behavior.

 

Usually when there is something extreme like that going on, it's not just a matter of poor discipline, but something harder to address.  I speak from experience (and wish I didn't).

 

To answer your question, if the mom invites you again you could say something like, "seemed like X was having a rough day the last time we came over," and see what she says.  I would do my utmost to not sound judgmental.

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Hi, my friend has an abnoxious, rude, and very disrespectful 7 year old who has no qualms about being disrespectful to family members and adult friends. We had a play date (3 moms & 4 kids.) My son is 3, and the other mom has 2 three year old twin daughters. Daughters are coloring on one side of the room, and the hosting mom was in the kitchen. Her son was acting absolutely inappropriately so I told him that. He responded with: well, I can call CPS. Mind you, he had mentioned calling cps on his mom once because she wouldn’t buy him a hamster. The other mom had already been packing up the girls’ stuff, but she heard what the hosting mom’s son said. Both of our mouths dropped open. I told him that you don’t joke around like that and that it wasn’t funny. Hosting mom comes back into the room and I told her my son and I were leaving as well. I sounded stern, and then her child says to me: (in front of her) you don’t have to get snotty about it. Jaws dropped again, and this time I told my son to get his shoes on because we were leaving now. His mom did tell him it wasn’t nice to say that, but making him sit in a corner to think about how his poor attitude has just affected his life. I haven’t spoken to the mom since, and will not have my son playing with the other boy again. My son doesn’t need to learn bad habits at this very impressionable age. What do I say to the mom if she calls?

 

You and your 3-yo son had a playdate with another mom and her two 3-year-olds at the home of a mom with a 9 (or 7?) year old son? I'm confused.

 

Why would a mom with a 9 (or 7?) year old son invite three 3-year-olds over for a playdate?

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He may have special needs that you don’t know about, but if you’re uncomfortable, I’d just decline future play dates. Maybe try to meet up with the mom at mom’s night out if you enjoy her company.

 

But y’know what struck me about this incident? The three moms presumably had a good time chatting together. The three three year olds played together, or at least had a shot at doing so because they’re likely on similar developmental timetables. But this seven year old. He had his routine interrupted, maybe had to help with extra chores to get the house ready, had his mom occupied by other people, maybe had to share his toys with the little ones. And who at the play date was there for him? I mean, yes, maybe he needs some discipline and manners (or maybe he has some unseen issues) — I wasn’t there so I don’t know — but maybe he just felt lonely and left out. I might be a royal pain in the rear end too in that situation.

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Well, he was rude, but I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what his mom has and has not done.  I don't tend to very directly address my son in front of people, because it doesn't work well.  If he's being inappropriate he's already gone off the rails and needs to get back on before there is much I can do, trying to make him apologize at the time is likely to lead to a complete loss that will take much longer to repair.

 

Now, maybe this was something quite different, but even so, you really don't know the details.  You are an adult and presumably aren't going to be too harmed by something a 7 year old says to you, no matter how rude.  I think rolling your eyes is a more sensible response really than being shocked.

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I think you’re overreacting, to be honest.

Is your three year old your first child? I would have been appalled when my oldest was 3 too.

 

Now i have a 7 year old with autism and absolutely no filter. He does come across as disrespectful. Last night he told me I am just a complete ruiner of his life and he was never eating again in his life and I would go to jail. I can see where someone would think that’s disrespectful, but that’s not behavior I punish because, well, it’s just part of his disability. We talk about using nice words, but 7 year olds, even neurotypical ones, are still learning about socially appropriate words.

They also talk about poop a lot.

 

Your three year old isn’t going to pick up disrespectful behavior from these play dates. I also kind of think you were rude to correct your host’s son in front of her when his disrespect was directed at her. I would just let the Mom deal with it herself; it really was none of your business. It’s her house, it’s her son, and the comments were directed at her. My son would have told you to mind your own business as well. And then grabbing your son and leaving in a huff over it?

No, just no. I would have offered to keep the other kids busy while Mom dealt with the behavior, but also recognized that there’s likely something else going on.

 

But I don’t go around correcting other people’s kids in their own houses in front of their parents.

Edited by MedicMom
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Also, they may actually joke about calling CPS. I’ve had CPS called on me and I am a mandatory reporter who’s seen too many cases of abuse, but we do kind of joke about it sometimes in our home. I think my kids have threatened to call more than once when they weren’t getting their way. I can’t see being shocked and appalled over that. I just hand my kids my phone and tell them to go ahead. Is it possible this family is just much more flippant and easy going about things than you?

 

I think you’re really making a mountain out of a molehill.

Edited by MedicMom
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Welcome to this homeschool board, B&B. Be aware that this is quite an odd first post from a new person, and some people might suspect trolling.

Edited by regentrude
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Hi, my friend has an abnoxious, rude, and very disrespectful 7 year old who has no qualms about being disrespectful to family members and adult friends. We had a play date (3 moms & 4 kids.) My son is 3, and the other mom has 2 three year old twin daughters. Daughters are coloring on one side of the room, and the hosting mom was in the kitchen. Her son was acting absolutely inappropriately so I told him that. He responded with: well, I can call CPS. Mind you, he had mentioned calling cps on his mom once because she wouldn’t buy him a hamster. The other mom had already been packing up the girls’ stuff, but she heard what the hosting mom’s son said. Both of our mouths dropped open. I told him that you don’t joke around like that and that it wasn’t funny. Hosting mom comes back into the room and I told her my son and I were leaving as well. I sounded stern, and then her child says to me: (in front of her) you don’t have to get snotty about it. Jaws dropped again, and this time I told my son to get his shoes on because we were leaving now. His mom did tell him it wasn’t nice to say that, but making him sit in a corner to think about how his poor attitude has just affected his life. I haven’t spoken to the mom since, and will not have my son playing with the other boy again. My son doesn’t need to learn bad habits at this very impressionable age. What do I say to the mom if she calls?

 

1. How old is the child?

 

2. Yes, the child was rude to speak that way to you, but if I'm deciphering your syntax correctly, his mother corrected him and made him sit in the corner. What did you want her to do to him?

 

3. You all must be very, very young and idealistic parents if a child smarting off can literally make your jaws all drop.

 

This is really not a big deal; if it's not a successful little play group, then don't get the kids together again. As far as what to tell the other mom, I agree with a pp that, "We are busy," works. If you want to spell it out a little more, don't be so rude as to blame her or her kids directly, just say, "I've been thinking about it, and I have to say that I don't think little Bruschetta and Mozzarella have a very good time together; it's probably the stage or age or something. Let's maybe try again in a few months, maybe a park date in the summer?"

 

(Pretentious baby names courtesy of Miranda Hart, from a skit on the Graham Norton Show)

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I'm unclear about so many things from that post. Was he 7 or 9? What was he doing that was "inappropriate" in the first place?

 

I would also be surprised by a young kid threatening to call CPS on me. But I think after an initial moment, I'd just laugh. I mean, come on. That's so silly it's funny.

 

Some kids are just a handful. Some kids have other issues going on that you're not seeing necessarily. I wouldn't assume anything bad about the mom and I wouldn't judge the kid too harshly from one incident and a rumor. But if it's an uncomfortable playdate, just say you've been busy. Don't make a big deal of it.

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I don't think it's necessarily out of line to correct a kid when Mom is not there. Mom was in kitchen, they were in adjoining room if I read correctly. Depends what you say I guess. I saw my friend's preschooler pouring out the table salt at a restaurant. I started to say something because it seemed time sensitive. I wasn't harsh. She then noticed but kinda dismissed it. She did stop him but her body language was like she didn't care. I think we all have different ideas of what is tolerable or worth worrying over.

 

The CPS comment was kinda silly to me because the parent/adult the comments were aimed at didn't do anything cps worthy.

 

Everyone is so afraid to correct anyone's child (including myself to a degree) but if your kid is being a jerk on the playground and Mom won't bother to watch but I'm there? Yeah I might tell him to knock it off (throwing sand, going up slide backwards when kids are trying to use it properly). Ticks me off. Now if they are super young I'd say something gently (let's not throw sand. It could hurt someone.)

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As Farrar said, some kids are just a handful. I have one (well, I had one but he is 15 now and lovely). I have four kids and only one who was such a handful. I cried a lot for 7 or 8 years because he would just be rude and obnoxious. I seriously tried everything I could think of to discipline him. This kid may have other issues or he may just be having a harder time growing up. Some kids do.

 

All I really have to offer is to be kind to the mom if you can find it in you. You don't have to get together for a play date but making her feel like a crappy parent isn't helpful. It is pretty bad when people can't stand your kid.

 

I really try to find people struggling with their kids and just be nice to them. It is pretty isolating to have people bluntly state that they don't want to be around your child.

 

I know I was judgemental before I was that mom. :(

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Was the CPS comment in response to a threat of what punishment he was going to get for his behavior?  If so, then the person who made that threat is in the wrong.

 

I am not categorically for or against correcting other people's kids.  Normally I would let the parent handle it.  If it isn't tolerable to wait for that (e.g. he is pulling my kid's hair), then I would tell him to stop, possibly intervene physically, but actual discipline would still be his parent's responsibility.

 

I agree that the picture of what was happening isn't clear enough to judge anything.  But if 2 parents' jaws dropped, I'll take OP's word that the kid was being a pill.  :P

 

Just a word to the wise - when my kids were 3yo, they were incredibly obedient.  When they were 9yo ... not so much.  :P

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Can you imagine being 7/9 and having a play date with 3 three year olds?  He probably had a miserable time.  If you don't want your sons to play together, then you simply say "no" if she calls. 

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If a 7 yr old told me they were going to call CPS on me for refusing to buy a hamster, I would have a hard time suppressing a laugh.  Maybe CPS is something the family jokes about, or he saw a news story about it, or maybe it's a threat that's been used against him in the past by people who think he's "rude and obnoxious." At any rate, I would not have been jaw-droppingly shocked at the comment, nor would I have tried to correct or discipline him in his own house with his parent present.

 

As for his other comment... if you were storming off in a huff after speaking "sternly" to a 7 yr old who made a silly comment, then I kind of agree with the kid: you didn't need to be so snotty about it.

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Where does a 7 year old get the idea of threatening a call to CPS?

Other friends, probably.

 

I would just decline in the future. That type of attitude won't get fixed quick.

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You got huffy and left because of something a 7 year old said to you.

 

You were being a bit of a snot.

 

My kids went to my sister's for the first part of Spring Break. It was a big relief to me when she reminded me that she wasn't going to get offended by something a 6 year old told her. (She's said it before about a 4 year old) But basically, she remembers who the adult and who the kid is.

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I don't correct other people's children unless they are hurting my child, damaging my stuff or it's something that truly needs to be addressed and the parent can't for whatever reason. The boy you describe sounds bratty. But he might have developmental issues. However acting the way you did towards his mother was also pretty rude. I think we should be able to expect more out of adults than children whether 7 or 9. 

 

I feel bad for mom if she's lonely enough to need to call people who storm off in a huff over what you describe. I mean I'd probably not spend time with them either in my position. It wouldn't really be worth it to me. But I'd never have chastised her child, stormed off in a huff like I was just too good for her and her child either. I'd have just politely declined further invites. 

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I'm not sure where posters are getting the idea that the child was 9? 

 

I think I'd just decline further playdates, and if she calls, just say that, while I enjoy her company, your kids aren't a good match for each other, mainly because of the difference in interests and age. 

 

Honestly, I loathe snotty bratty kids who threaten their parents--but I try to remember they are just kids, and hold a good hope that they will grow out of it. Doesn't mean I feel it's my job to raise them, though, so I would avoid. Maybe that's not 

terribly compassionate, but I don't try to save the world anymore. 

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"Be the adult" is something I would like to tell a few people in my life, LOL.

 

Some days I say it to myself.  :P

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The kid sounds like a handful, but I'm not sure what it has to do with you?

 

Parents are constantly working with their kids, encouraging good behaviour and discouraging difficult behaviours. I think bad manners is probably on his parents' agenda -- but it's probably not the only thing the have to worry about.

 

It's a bit much for you to be rude adult-to-adult because you judged someone else's small child to be out of line. If you needed to go because your kid is a language sponge and you wanted to get him out of hearing range so he didn't mimic the boy... fair enough... but there are tactful and gracious ways to make an exit like that. (Both making an excuse, and gently explaining the real reason are good exit ideas.)

 

But I don't think the boy lost much when a 3 year old playmate went home, and I think the other mom might be better off spending her time with sympathetic supportive friends who can fuel her parent efforts instead of reacting judgementally.

Edited by bolt.
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As I have gotten older as a parent (I don’t dare say more experienced, although my sons would say I do have more XP now than 10 years ago), I find it more and more important that I keep in mind that these are CHILDREN who are in process of becoming, not formed and finished and ready for display. My heart breaks for the times I know other parents have spoken of my own children in judgmental tones. Judge me if you must assign blame for bad behavior, but not my child whose brain is not fully developed and who probably can’t put name to his emotions or know why he is upset.

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Eh some kids are harder then others. I think the adults in this situation were the rude ones more so then a child who is still in an earlier developmental sage and still learning. 7 (or 9) year olds say different kinds of things then 3 year olds. What he said is not at all shocking for a kid that age. Kids go through all sorts of stages. Ones that are easy at 3 can be challenging down the road and vise versa. You have one easy going child at their current stage but down the road you may have a child that is more challenging and I am sure you wouldn't want people to judge you and walk off in huff after one thing a small child says and one interaction with a parent. Plus everyone has bad days. I try to be more accepting and understanding of children and their parents instead of judging them. It is not good to be isolated but especially when going through the parenting of children all by yourself.

Edited by MistyMountain

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