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should I give up on having my kids do household chores?


caedmyn
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Hmmm, well I'll be unpopular but I've never forced my kid to do chores and it hasn't hurt him a bit. He willingly and usually happily does anything I ask of him; he knows I can't and shouldn't do it all.

 

The truth is he is much busier than I am. When we homeschooled I had tons of time while he did his work. It's not like it made sense to interrupt him to clean, or to put things off until he was free just to make a point. And now that he's in high school, forget it. He barely has any free time at all. And even though I'm working, I still do.

 

He's managed to learn how to do laundry and take care of stuff despite a total lack of forced chores. And he respects himself, me, and our home to know that helping to get stuff done is important.

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Like others, it has worked better for me to ask for specific help when I need it or just want it.  The exception is the kids' bathroom; they are in charge of that, though sometimes I get mad about all my daughter's cosmetics all over the counter and sweep them into a plastic bin for her to sort out after she gives the counter a good cleaning.   We are still working on storage solutions for that.

 

So while I do most of the laundry, my kids sometimes do it - often enough that I know when they move out they will manage.  I do most of the kitchen work but will ask them to do specific things at times, and they take care of it when I'm out.  I do tend to forget about occasional jobs, like the filters on the kitchen fan that need to be cleaned sometimes.  I was never aware of that sort of invisible cleaning that needed to be done till I was married and my saw my husband doing it.  My mom never taught me anything.  

 

My kids are in college now, still living at home, and working part time. They are busy and I don't like burdening them with chores too much. But they are aware of most of the things that need to be done to keep a house clean, and can do them well enough.   My husband has taught them some home maintenance stuff too.  I was pleased that when we had to replace a faucet recently my son was able to do it.

 

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We don't have a "daily chore" list. It just never worked for us in the past, and I have enough trouble trying to keep the "school check list" under control.

 

What does work on a long-term basis for us is to have the dc have their responsibilities that they need to do when the tasks are required:

 

- fill and empty dishwasher

- set and clear table

- make food and clean up after yourself

- keep bedroom relatively clean

- do your own laundry

- keep your body clean

- help vacuum and clean the house when we're having guests 

- care for your pet or help care for the family pet

- help with outdoor tasks as needed (shoveling snow, putting out garbage, mowing lawn, etc.)

 

It's just part of the daily living routine, rather than being chores. If you are a positively contributing member of the household, then it's a more pleasant for everyone. 

 

And no one gets paid for being a member of the family. There is no monetary value attached to help out at home. 

 

If you want to teach money skills, such as saving and giving to charity, try doing it with other sources of money. We have certain jobs that the dc can do voluntarily which they receive payment for. 

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Hmmm, well I'll be unpopular but I've never forced my kid to do chores and it hasn't hurt him a bit. He willingly and usually happily does anything I ask of him; he knows I can't and shouldn't do it all.

 

The truth is he is much busier than I am. When we homeschooled I had tons of time while he did his work. It's not like it made sense to interrupt him to clean, or to put things off until he was free just to make a point. And now that he's in high school, forget it. He barely has any free time at all. And even though I'm working, I still do.

 

He's managed to learn how to do laundry and take care of stuff despite a total lack of forced chores. And he respects himself, me, and our home to know that helping to get stuff done is important.

 

My parents never forced me to do chores either - not one time.  I learned to cook, clean, use a mop, etc. after I'd left home.

 

It didn't hurt me either, except maybe that cooking took me a few years to learn and DH and I ate a lot of frozen pizzas the first year.

 

But I don't make my kids clean for their development.  I do it because otherwise the house would not be clean.  When I was a kid it was just me and my little sister (so two girls), and my dad was retired and had time to clean and cook and etc.

 

If I had just two kids and no job, I'd probably do 95% of the housework.

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I used to run the "pitch in when something needs doing" model instead of the regular chore model, but I realized that my less conscientious kids in this model were both displacing the burden towards the more conscientious kids (because if I said "hey, can you go do this for me" it was almost always to the most competent kid who was least likely to whine about it) and they weren't learning how to do a new chore, ever, because for some of them it really takes a long time to learn one.

 

So I could never ask DS9 to do the dishes because he didn't really know how and it took him 2 hours.  It only took DD12 30 minutes and she didn't make a fuss, so I always asked her. That's not really fair, though, once DS9 is really old enough to do the dishes in 40 minutes if he just practices at it for a while, so now we are doing fairly regular assigned chores - although of course of DS9 is asleep, or is having a very busy day, someone else will do them and he can do that person's work later, or something.  I don't have charts or anything.

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Do NOT give up! I've watched my children struggle with roommates whose parents gave up, and it was not pretty. 

 

 

I did give up and I regret it.  It's on my list of parenting wish-I-would-have's.  Don't give up!

 

Just curious, why?

 

What were the horrible roommate consequences?

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Agreeing with the don't give up and let them pay a sibling to do it advice.

 

I did make them do their own assigned chores enough to be sure they knew how to do it - learned that skill - before being allowed to pay someone else to do it.

 

I was pretty "mean" about tying privileges to chores (aka responsibilities). No computer access, no being chauffeured anywhere, no fun thing they wanted to do until the jobs were done. I made very clear rules and stuck with them. I did not engage in nagging and did not budge with the whining. "You know the rules" on larger, rinse, repeat.

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Just curious, why?

 

What were the horrible roommate consequences?

I'm guessing a messy disorganized roommate, but I don't see how one could know that it was parents giving up that resulted in the disorganization.

 

My parents never gave up, but I'm still messy and disorganized. It's called ADHD.

 

Parental influence one way or another is only part of the picture.

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I used to run the "pitch in when something needs doing" model instead of the regular chore model, but I realized that my less conscientious kids in this model were both displacing the burden towards the more conscientious kids (because if I said "hey, can you go do this for me" it was almost always to the most competent kid who was least likely to whine about it) and they weren't learning how to do a new chore, ever, because for some of them it really takes a long time to learn one.

 

 

My dh taught me a better language to use with people when you are managing workers, rather than, "hey, can you do this for me" you simply say, "Do this now."  Be clear and directive.  It's very effective. 

 

I wasn't very good at using this directive-style of management, so I have to keep working on it. It's excellent, though, as it is clear, there is no room for argument (or should not be), and it's also how most men like to talk (at least this is what dh says). ;)

 

The other thing that men do is not help out unless they are asked/told. They will happily watch another guy struggle with a task, and not step in and offer help. And neither man thinks that this is a problem at all.  This is so foreign to me. I'm the step in and help or at least offer to help. But men seem to prefer their own method.  I think sometimes I'm expecting my dc (boys in particular) to act like I act, and just in to help when they see me doing a task. They don't, though my dd will jump in and help more times than not. 

Edited by wintermom
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One thing about my more sloppy daughter - she will clean up with a decent attitude if I walk her through it.  But she is so slow and disorganized, it would take a solid week (part-time of course) for her to just get her bedroom to a reasonable state.  And then it would be messy again by nightfall.  I struggle to have the patience for it.

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I'm guessing a messy disorganized roommate, but I don't see how one could know that it was parents giving up that resulted in the disorganization.

 

My parents never gave up, but I'm still messy and disorganized. It's called ADHD.

 

Parental influence one way or another is only part of the picture.

 

Yes. 

 

I had a roommate who had been very well-trained by her parents (mother) to do chores, keep things tidy, etc. When she got out of her parents' home, she became a happy slob.  OK, not slob really, but she turned away from her mother's strict discipline and was not neat at all.  My mother never taught me much but I knew how to keep the public rooms of our apartment clean and neat, and did it.  If she wasn't home when I cleaned, I just tossed her stuff in her bedroom.

 

(Once I had a date, a newish acquaintance, over and didn't notice till we were settled on the couch with wine that she'd left a very personal item... one of those personal massagers iykwim... on the coffee table.  Oh my. I was quick to sweep that out of sight and make it clear it was not mine. I never knew if he was disappointed or relieved.)

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Kids having chores is often more work for parents compared to a parent just taking care of it all.  But it's part of the work of parenting.

 

Assigning chores or otherwise including kids in the housework means loosening up my regular standards a little (towels I fold look different than towels my 9-year-old son folds) and patience.  

 

I consider a physically and developmentally able person who reaches 18 unable to do basic housework to not be fully grown.  

 

 

Edited by LucyStoner
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I used to run the "pitch in when something needs doing" model instead of the regular chore model, but I realized that my less conscientious kids in this model were both displacing the burden towards the more conscientious kids (because if I said "hey, can you go do this for me" it was almost always to the most competent kid who was least likely to whine about it) and they weren't learning how to do a new chore, ever, because for some of them it really takes a long time to learn one.

 

So I could never ask DS9 to do the dishes because he didn't really know how and it took him 2 hours.  It only took DD12 30 minutes and she didn't make a fuss, so I always asked her. That's not really fair, though, once DS9 is really old enough to do the dishes in 40 minutes if he just practices at it for a while, so now we are doing fairly regular assigned chores - although of course of DS9 is asleep, or is having a very busy day, someone else will do them and he can do that person's work later, or something.  I don't have charts or anything.

Yes!!! Same here. My daughter is my mini-me and is naturally organized and always doing extra. Now, ds likes things tidy but not as much as dd. DD2 is really the opposite and she is just naturally tidy or organized.

 

I really don't care for such things but it has worked really well actually. I think with anything in parenting there isn't just one right answer.

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We've never done chore charts because, honestly, they never made sense to me--why would I double or even triple my workload?  My boys have all been shown how to do various cleaning tasks and are quite capable.  Cleaning isn't that hard to learn; it really isn't rocket science.  If I'm cleaning and need help, I'll grab whoever it makes the most sense to grab and ask him to do something specific.  Or if I'm running out the door, and something needs to be done, I'll ask whoever it makes the most sense to ask and he'll do it while I'm gone.  They do these things without grumbling, and their efforts are passable, despite never having set, daily chores that required me to follow up.  

The set-up of our house is the older two share a room and the younger 3 share a room.  They each have a loft bed with space underneath for their stuff.  Between my 5, I've got the range from uber-minimalist to could-be-a-hoarder, and they've been this way since they were tiny.  So I work with my hoarders on getting rid of stuff and figuring out what is important to keep, but I'm afraid their spouses/roommates will have an uphill battle because so much of being messy/neat is personality.  But this has nothing to do with cleanliness.  I can tell them "Get your rooms company clean" and they can all do it.  They've learned that when I say company clean, the floors must be vacuum-able and all flat surfaces need to be wiped down, even though company never goes to that part of the house LOL.  They've learned this without chore charts.

When they were younger, their screen time was regulated quite a bit and they only had time on Saturday and Sunday.  I did require the playroom was picked up before they got their game time, but I didn't care who did it.  Sometimes they worked together and sometimes it was the one kid who really wanted to play video games that day, but I never nagged or asked.   This was as close as we got to "assigned chore".

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Kids having chores is often more work for parents compared to a parent just taking care of it all.  But it's part of the work of parenting.

 

Assigning chores or otherwise including kids in the housework means loosening up my regular standards a little (towels I fold look different than towels my 89year-old son folds) and patience.  

 

I consider a physically and developmentally able person who reaches 18 unable to do basic housework to not be fully grown.  

 

Wow, LucyStoner!! You really have been patient with your son for so long!! :laugh:

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It’s awful. Roommates who don’t wipe a counter or sweep up dirt because they don’t ‘see’ it or think, subconsciously, that someone else will do it.

 

The ones who set the microwave on fire microwaving cookie dough in college because they’re so helpless in the kitchen they’ve never used an oven or read recipe instructions (and this was a dean’s list student).

 

The roommate who drops their shoes in the communal entryway and leaves empty dishes in the sink and on the counters.

 

The nasty one who gets menstrual blood on the toilet seat and doesn’t wipe it up, or runs out of toilet paper and so she grabs the nearest wash cloth and stuffs it BEHIND THE TOILET WHEN SHE IS DONE.

 

Oh yes, all true stories that happened in the dorms and apartments I lived in. And I only had a few brief years of it before marrying someone who did learn how to do basic chores, including sewing buttons and scrubbing showers and cooking for himself.

 

Yeah, I've had those roommates too.  

 

But, doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the parents giving up.  It's not necessarily that they don't know how to do things, or weren't taught, or didn't have it required of them in their parents' home. There aren't any guarantees that parental teaching is going to stick.  Or that kids won't rebel against it when they are out of the house.  

 

I'm pretty sure I read this on this board, a long time ago:  "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't keep him from peeing it all out."

 

Though I do have to say that it never occurred to me to teach my kids specifically not to stuff dirty washcloths behind the toilet.   Who needs to be taught that?  

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A few months ago I had the brilliant idea of dividing up the weekly housecleaning chores between my older 4 kids (well mostly the older 3...the 5 yo only picks up and moves chairs around and empty the bathroom trash). These chores are within their capabilities, they've been taught how to do them, and I even pay them for doing them. But every week I find myself trying to motivate kids to actually do their jobs, listening to whining, and spending just as much time supervising them to do the work as it takes me to do it all myself (and I do a better job!). I've taken the job (and resulting pay) away from a whining or balky kid for a week, offered incentives to do their jobs quickly, made them do the job anyway but without pay because they stalled too much...and this still happens every.single.week. At what point do you just give up on having them do these jobs? They all have daily chores that they are required to do and they do not get paid for, so it's not like they're unfamiliar with having to do household chores.

I certainly had fewer kids, never more than one at home at a time. So, I do not know if this works with larger families. But, I decided never to have chores for exactly the reasons you mentioned. I had plenty of other things to nag about. So, as I would start a chore, I would just ask child to come with me for a minute and we would clean something together. This was good chit chat time.

 

The kiddos have become productive adults living in clean spaces so the no-chore family can turn out OK.

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Training kids to do household chores and to be helpful does not have to equal chore charts or systems. Different systems, no matter how regimented or loose work best for different families. I think that some are seeing this in only one way.

This up here is important to remember.

 

At my house there is no chore chart, system, allowance, or reward. My kids do need reminders, but that’s because they’re kids. I am also not strict about it in the sense that I hold them to high, exacting standards. I do expect that they’ll do their part to help out around the house, however.

 

I have to remind one of my children to change their underwear everyday. I persist because it’s necessary, shall I stop to preserve our relationship? ;)

Edited by mamaraby
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Just curious, why?

 

 

By the time DD was in her junior and senior year, when she should have been getting more independent and taking on cleaning/caring for her own things, we had not established any kind of routine or habits.  I started realizing that hey, she is about to be an adult and doesn't really know how to clean a bathroom, dust her bedroom, or even really clear a path to her bed among the debris.

 

So then I'm trying to nag her, teach her, ingrain a new habit and routine...while she is also having a ton of other stress in her life. Junior year prepping for SAT and taking advanced courses.  Senior year college stuff (plus a serious boyfriend and serious boyfriend drama), plus her feeling very overwhelmed and scared of "adult responsibilities" and her upcoming life....  Yep.  Cleaning was, I think rightfully, at the bottom of that list.  We had large handfuls of other issues to be working through and dealing with.

 

Her senior year I basically had to take over cleaning her areas or the health department would have come.  I could have pressed the issue...but as I said, too much other stuff of more importance going on.  And besides, I recognized it was a parenting lapse.  But boy was I mad every time.

 

So, I waited far too late to establish any routines or habits, and by the time I realized she needed them (and her having them would have made things better in the household also) it was too late.  

 

Did I mention she is really into do-it-yourself beauty natural beauty treatments?  So there was always a variety of moldering tupperware containers in both her room and bathroom... And yes, she could have diarrhea or a bad period and STILL not think to clean the toilet... GAH.  

Edited by goldberry
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I agree with the others who suggested separating chores and allowance. I have not succeeded in getting my kids to do much of their own accord. The dishwasher has been their job for 4 years and I still have to remind them every day. They don't usually complain though, since they know it's their job. The main thing I am trying to teach is that everyone lives here, so everyone helps. I think this lesson is starting to sink in. My middle daughter is a natural. She could handle the instruction "Go clean your room." at age 3. If she were an only, I am sure she would have regularly done her list from a very young age.

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I'm guessing a messy disorganized roommate, but I don't see how one could know that it was parents giving up that resulted in the disorganization.

 

My parents never gave up, but I'm still messy and disorganized. It's called ADHD.

 

Parental influence one way or another is only part of the picture.

Yep! That was my thought... after years of being made to make the bed etc I'm still a messy. I have to force myself to operate in a different mode than my default to be neat.

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I remember someone telling me that kids do what you inspect, not what you expect. So so so true with chores.

 

 

I love this. And an "inspection" could be the child showing what a great job they did with their cleaning. 

 

The second part, that kids don't do what you expect is very true, too. That's the crazy and fun part of being a parent, is watching with amazement all the unexpected things kids do and say.  :laugh:

Edited by wintermom
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This is hard with kids who have EF difficulties. It takes breaking things down more, more practice, and either looser standards or fewer jobs so that they can learn them better.

 

Also, my kids have trouble with specific things like seeing their stuff in the middle of other things. For stuff like that, we try to make it kind of fun, though it started out as me being really annoyed. I would go through the house and make piles or fill a box with each child's items that were in the wrong place. It turns out that they were happy to have them back and would put them away if I put them in a box. They are much better at seeing these things now, but they still like it when I do this. They race to see if they can empty the box before the other one or see how many times I can refill it. When we can find the "glitch" that is holding them up, it can help.

 

We don't pay until they get really good at something--good enough that it actually makes a difference. Even then, we mostly pay for "extra" jobs, or we find extra jobs for them if they want to earn money or are working longer hours at it (like hours of yard work or cleaning up branches from tree trimming). 

 

Also, some kids with ADHD, ODD, anxiety, and/or EF stuff are just negative all the time. It sucks the life out of you. It's okay to not like that and just keep rolling. It's also okay to sometimes let them know their attitude stinks and is a pain in the butt. You have to kind of know whether it's truly effective and motivating or demoralizing, and that's not always easy to know. But we have a family counselor who is a firm believer that kids do need to have some social concept of when they are ticking people off. This is one area that ticks people off not only at home but also at work--no one wants to be the only one taking care of business, and no one likes to listen to constant complaining.

 

We did find that ADHD meds made our kids less whiny and irritable by a very, very wide margin. It also made them SO MUCH MORE competent. It's been stunning. The training sticks so much better.

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And yes, it takes longer to do things with them than with myself, but that ratio gets better every year. My older son can actually do some things better and faster than me. At this point, he does get off with light duty on some things he's not good at (though he still has to learn them) because it really is a better division of labor, and negotiating those sorts of things (Hey, I'm good at this; you are good at that; let's trade) is a good life skill as well. 

 

We also go light on things that correspond to areas of legit difficulty--strong lack of coordination, etc. One of my kids will have lifting requirements and other limitations his whole life. It just is what it is. He gets different jobs, and thankfully loves food prep.

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