What is the craziest thing you have found yourself teaching your children?

[Daria]

At school, we are finishing up a unit on fractions.  I find that I use a lot of food metaphors when I teach fractions.  I'm constantly drawing pizzas and donuts and Brussel sprouts on the board and talking about cutting and sharing them.

 

I have a couple kids in my class who like to interrupt me and tell me why they can't eat the food I drew.  It's not Jenny Craig approved, or it has gluten, or they tried it once eight years ago and they think they might be allergic, or it's simply gross. 

 

The other day, I lost it a little and gave my kids a brief lecture during which I told them that NOBODY is allergic to imaginary food drawn on the white board.  It's not possible.  Imaginary food has no calories, so it's on the Jenny Craig "unlimited food list".  It never has gluten.  And even if you don't like real Brussel sprouts, you should try the imaginary ones because they taste much better!  Apparently it worked, because now if I draw a donut on the board, my kid with celiac says happily "and it's gluten free!" 

 

I know I'm not the only one who finds themselves teaching their kids weird things. What have you taught your kids (students or offspring) recently? 

[HS Mom in NC]

It's not recent.

 

How to mummify a chicken. Did you know Costco can meet all of your chicken mummification needs? 

[klmama]

I taught my elementary aged dc the "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts" song as an example of alliteration.  Obviously, I lost my mind that day.   

 

[El...]

And for many days to come.

Hahaha!

 

 

I taught my 6yo to spell, and define, "crap." His pronunciation improved.

[SparklyUnicorn]

We did some of the projects in the SOTW activity books.  I would let my kids pick what sounded interesting to them and get the supplies ahead.  Once they wanted to paint a tile with some praise towards Allah. 

 
I figured why not whatever. Painting a tile sounded kinda fun.  I'm an atheist though so....I just found us doing this quite comical.

 

 

 

 

[umsami]

Acceptable things regarding p@nises.  Talking about them, touching them, putting them on other people or rubbing other people's stuffed animals on them as a weird male power thing, etc.

 

(I have three boys.  Never ever thought I'd have to say some of the things I say.)

[purpleowl]

Something that started when I was a classroom teacher, that I've passed on to my children - if you divide by zero, a gnome attacks a mermoose. Think of the mermoose, and don't divide by zero! (By the way, calculators have built-in mermoose protection features; they refuse to allow you to do such horrific things.)

 

My AP Calc kids learned that limits are an amazing way to "divide by zero" without ACTUALLY dividing by zero, thus protecting the mermoose. We had class t-shirts made with the attached image on the back.

 

 

(Edit: Picture didn't attach the first time, trying again...)

Edited March 9, 2018 by purpleowl

[SparklyUnicorn]

Acceptable things regarding p@nises.  Talking about them, touching them, putting them on other people or rubbing other people's stuffed animals on them as a weird male power thing, etc.

 

(I have three boys.  Never ever thought I'd have to say some of the things I say.)

 

haha!  First time I read this I thought you were talking about ponies. 

[alisoncooks]

Not school related, unless mommy/teacher coffee consumption counts. My kiddo (newish reader) was sorting through my giant box of k-cups. Apparently, she connected "medium roast" and "dark roast" with pot/beef roast. I had to explain all the various coffee varieties, and reassure her that I was not drinking meat-flavored coffee.

[Trilliumlady]

I love all of these!

[elegantlion]

Ds was in high school, and one I needed to run to the store, so he received an impromptu on how to buy feminine hygiene items for someone. It was great, he stood very silently and listened. 

 

I realized there are a plethora of options and most women have a preference to one brand, so my advice was 

 

1. take a picture of the box at home before heading to the store. Be sure to buy that exact box. If you can't find it, ask, because there are reasons for every color and letter on a box of feminine items. 

 

2. Stop by the chocolate aisle and grab something. Also be sure to note what kind she wants, write it down or take pictures of empty wrappers at home. When in doubt, milk chocolate.

 

3. Ask if she needs anything else, like ibuprofen, a new book, flowers, alcohol, etc. 

 

It was a great time, really something I had never thought of until then. 

[Jaybee]

We do not curse. Our kids grew up overseas. So at one point after moving back from overseas, we sat down our youngest teens and took them through a list of words and what they mean. We didn't want them embarrassing themselves (or us), because there are words and expressions that sometimes slip through that kids who grow up in other cultures miss. Then they hear them, and assume they are regular vocabulary. Some are fine. Others are not.

[Garga]

Ds was in high school, and one I needed to run to the store, so he received an impromptu on how to buy feminine hygiene items for someone. It was great, he stood very silently and listened.

 

I realized there are a plethora of options and most women have a preference to one brand, so my advice was

 

1. take a picture of the box at home before heading to the store. Be sure to buy that exact box. If you can't find it, ask, because there are reasons for every color and letter on a box of feminine items.

 

2. Stop by the chocolate aisle and grab something. Also be sure to note what kind she wants, write it down or take pictures of empty wrappers at home. When in doubt, milk chocolate.

 

3. Ask if she needs anything else, like ibuprofen, a new book, flowers, alcohol, etc.

 

It was a great time, really something I had never thought of until then.

I’ve taught my oldest that if he’s asked to buy feminine products his reaction should be the same as if he’s asked to pick up milk (or anything else) from the store—pleasant and without drama. But I never even thought of how tricky it actually is to buy the stuff.

[Dmmetler]

Hahaha!

 

 

I taught my 6yo to spell, and define, "crap." His pronunciation improved.

 

I have taught my tutoring student how to correctly spell multiple swear words when they come up in word families (luckily, mom is OK with that!). I think the first one that came up was when we were working with "it". It's amazing how inspiring learning word families are when you get to curse....I guess...

[umsami]

When teaching boys the three Ps come before the three Rs: Penis in Pants in Public.

 

Ha! I've never heard that!!   

[Scarlett]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

 

I've never asked anyone to do this either.

 

I only have males in my life so I guess if something crazy happened and I could not get them myself, I'd have to ask a male.  Which is why I always stock up.  :lol:  I know my husband would have no problem doing it though.  Just...mmm...I'd rather do it myself because I'm particular and I can imagine the poor guy standing there dumbfounded over the selection.  

[JudoMom]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

I never have, either. I know dh would, but I've never had reason to.

[JudoMom]

I've never asked anyone to do this either.

 

I only have males in my life so I guess if something crazy happened and I could not get them myself, I'd have to ask a male. Which is why I always stock up. :lol: I know my husband would have no problem doing it though. Just...mmm...I'd rather do it myself because I'm particular and I can imagine the poor guy standing there dumbfounded over the selection.

And it seems about the time I can just walk up to the aisle and grab what I need, packaging or something changes and I have to pay attention again.

[maize]

I never have, either. I know dh would, but I've never had reason to.

I've never asked, but Dh has come home with them a couple of times anyway.

 

Fortunately I'm not picky!

[SparklyUnicorn]

And it seems about the time I can just walk up to the aisle and grab what I need, packaging or something changes and I have to pay attention again.

 

Oh my usual one just changed packaging.  So annoying.  LOL

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've never asked, but Dh has come home with them a couple of times anyway.

 

Fortunately I'm not picky!

 

awww that's so thoughtful....

 

he's a keeper

[Crimson Wife]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

 

I couldn't get DH to buy his own male contraception when we were using those so I know there's no way in heck he'd be willing to buy feminine hygiene products. As if the drugstore/supermarket/etc. cashier cares what some stranger is purchasing...

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hm..I never had to discuss penises with my boys.  They never attempted to pee outside either.  In fact once one of mine was very desperate and so I brought him behind a tree and he was horrified at the suggestion.  LOL

 

 

[umsami]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

 

Up until last fall, that was me.  Then I got my period when we were in a remote apartment outside of Cairo.  DH called his brother, and my brother-in-law had to buy me supplies.  It was weird.  He brought me Always.  P&G is everywhere. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Up until last fall, that was me.  Then I got my period when we were in a remote apartment outside of Cairo.  DH called his brother, and my brother-in-law had to buy me supplies.  It was weird.  He brought me Always.  P&G is everywhere. 

 

haha!

 

Although I hate that brand. 

 

See this is why I stock up.  I can't have the wrong brand.  :laugh:

[SparklyUnicorn]

Always Infiniti pads are the bomb. It’s like some sort of liquid sorcery. I would cry if they stopped making them.

 

I seem to be allergic to something in them.  It's not pretty.  But yes they do work well.

[El...]

Ds was in high school, and one I needed to run to the store, so he received an impromptu on how to buy feminine hygiene items for someone. It was great, he stood very silently and listened. 

 

I realized there are a plethora of options and most women have a preference to one brand, so my advice was 

 

1. take a picture of the box at home before heading to the store. Be sure to buy that exact box. If you can't find it, ask, because there are reasons for every color and letter on a box of feminine items. 

 

2. Stop by the chocolate aisle and grab something. Also be sure to note what kind she wants, write it down or take pictures of empty wrappers at home. When in doubt, milk chocolate.

 

3. Ask if she needs anything else, like ibuprofen, a new book, flowers, alcohol, etc. 

 

It was a great time, really something I had never thought of until then. 

You are a genius of a mother.  His wife will thank you later.  I'm taking notes.  

[HeartString]

Hm..I never had to discuss penises with my boys. They never attempted to pee outside either. In fact once one of mine was very desperate and so I brought him behind a tree and he was horrified at the suggestion. LOL

And where I live, peeing outside-not in undies, is how you potty train a boy! Getting to pee off grandma's back porch is a great incentive to a 2 year old boy. I've lived in the South too long apparently.

[Elizabeth86]

Acceptable things regarding p@nises. Talking about them, touching them, putting them on other people or rubbing other people's stuffed animals on them as a weird male power thing, etc.

 

(I have three boys. Never ever thought I'd have to say some of the things I say.)

Omg nonstop, right?

[Daria]

Acceptable things regarding p@nises.  Talking about them, touching them, putting them on other people or rubbing other people's stuffed animals on them as a weird male power thing, etc.

 

(I have three boys.  Never ever thought I'd have to say some of the things I say.)

 

Hopefully you taught them these are unacceptable things?  

 

You never know on the interwebs.

[Julie Smith]

This was a very VERY long time ago. 

 

If you look down at your privates you see a stick (penis) then your balls. Just like the letter "b" when you read left to right you see a stick then the ball part. That is how you know it's a "b". 

 

(We had tired EVERYTHING else for knowing "b" from "d" and the above was the only thing that worked.)

 

[umsami]

Hopefully you taught them these are unacceptable things?  

 

You never know on the interwebs.

 

Yes.... well, you can touch in private, not in public.  You may never ever forcefully touch somebody or somebody's things with your p@nis.  Neither I, nor your family members, really ever want to see your naked doodle. (The in-public term, taken from the Simpsons/Ned Flanders)

 

Regarding peeing in public, I thought that was thankfully over.  Until we got a dog.  Zoey likes peeing outside, so I didn't want her to have to do it alone.....

 

Sigh.

[Noreen Claire]

Acceptable things regarding p@nises. Talking about them, touching them, putting them on other people or rubbing other people's stuffed animals on them as a weird male power thing, etc.

 

(I have three boys. Never ever thought I'd have to say some of the things I say.)

Five boys here, and I agree with this statement!

[SparklyUnicorn]

:scared:   :scared: That is one area I would never want an allergy to strike!!!  :scared:  :scared:

 

Yeah we once had a discussion about this here on the boards.  Some others report the same thing with certain brands and if I recall correctly Always was one of the biggest offenders.

[ScoutTN]

Most recent odd thing I've taught:

How to whack a mole and dispose of it when the dog digs one up. Silly dog never kills the mole.

[KungFuPanda]

Ds was in high school, and one I needed to run to the store, so he received an impromptu on how to buy feminine hygiene items for someone. It was great, he stood very silently and listened.

 

I realized there are a plethora of options and most women have a preference to one brand, so my advice was

 

1. take a picture of the box at home before heading to the store. Be sure to buy that exact box. If you can't find it, ask, because there are reasons for every color and letter on a box of feminine items.

 

2. Stop by the chocolate aisle and grab something. Also be sure to note what kind she wants, write it down or take pictures of empty wrappers at home. When in doubt, milk chocolate.

 

3. Ask if she needs anything else, like ibuprofen, a new book, flowers, alcohol, etc.

 

It was a great time, really something I had never thought of until then.

Have you seen the meme where the boyfriend was sent to buy tampons? He sent a photo of the aisle with the question: “What size vagina you wear?†I was rolling at the idea that anyone could mistake absorbency capacity for vaginal size. I mean, it works for condoms but . . .

[mommyoffive]

Ds was in high school, and one I needed to run to the store, so he received an impromptu on how to buy feminine hygiene items for someone. It was great, he stood very silently and listened. 

 

I realized there are a plethora of options and most women have a preference to one brand, so my advice was 

 

1. take a picture of the box at home before heading to the store. Be sure to buy that exact box. If you can't find it, ask, because there are reasons for every color and letter on a box of feminine items. 

 

2. Stop by the chocolate aisle and grab something. Also be sure to note what kind she wants, write it down or take pictures of empty wrappers at home. When in doubt, milk chocolate.

 

3. Ask if she needs anything else, like ibuprofen, a new book, flowers, alcohol, etc. 

 

It was a great time, really something I had never thought of until then. 

 

I really like this. Thank you.  Adding it to the list of things to teach my son. 

 

I feel like it is a bit less needed now that we can order anything on Amazon or Target, but still it may come in handy a time or two. 

[Daria]

Yes.... well, you can touch in private, not in public.  You may never ever forcefully touch somebody or somebody's things with your p@nis.  Neither I, nor your family members, really ever want to see your naked doodle. (The in-public term, taken from the Simpsons/Ned Flanders)

 

Regarding peeing in public, I thought that was thankfully over.  Until we got a dog.  Zoey likes peeing outside, so I didn't want her to have to do it alone.....

 

Sigh.

 

LOL.  What thoughtful boys you have, putting Zoey's needs first!

[Tanaqui]

My kid was tasked with writing word problems. Evidently, she couldn't think of very many products you'd purchase by the gram. I had to explain to her that you will not be able to purchase 80 grams of heroin for $5. I had to google this information. I'm sure I'm on a watchlist now, but it was important that she get it right.

[Elizabeth86]

I was mentioning to dh just the other day how hilarious it is the things you actually have to teach your kids kwim? Like your butt is itchy because there is still poop and you need to be wiped better. I mean, who actually remembers being taught these things?? I don't but I'm sure my mom had to teach me too. Also, trying to explain to my 2 year old why we can't wipe our bottom then our pee pee. It is not sinking in.

[HS Mom in NC]

Am I the only person who has never asked another person to buy my feminine hygiene products?

 

No.  I'm right there with you.  Back when I had a uterus I was the only purchasing feminine hygiene products.

 

[elegantlion]

Ex did on occasion pick up feminine supplies, either when I was sick or only had one car. I just don't find it odd to ask, it's not like menstruation is a weird and taboo subject. He grew up with sisters. Tampons are just a part of life, but confusing as heck if you're picking them up for someone else.

[Miss Mousie]

I couldn't get DH to buy his own male contraception when we were using those so I know there's no way in heck he'd be willing to buy feminine hygiene products. As if the drugstore/supermarket/etc. cashier cares what some stranger is purchasing...

 

No offense intended to you or your DH, but I made a very big deal out of teaching DS the following:

 

1.  If you can't find the courage to talk to your partner about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

2.  If you can't find the courage to buy condoms, you aren't ready to have sex.

3.  If you can't find the courage to talk to your doctor (male or female) about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

[KungFuPanda]

No offense intended to you or your DH, but I made a very big deal out of teaching DS the following:

 

1. If you can't find the courage to talk to your partner about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

2. If you can't find the courage to buy condoms, you aren't ready to have sex.

3. If you can't find the courage to talk to your doctor (male or female) about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

I see your point, and even agree with it, but I’m not sure it’s actually true.

[Bluegoat]

I see your point, and even agree with it, but I’m not sure it’s actually true.

 

Yeah, I kind of think that in the end, some people are just really private about their sex life.

[Julie Smith]

I was mentioning to dh just the other day how hilarious it is the things you actually have to teach your kids kwim? Like your butt is itchy because there is still poop and you need to be wiped better. I mean, who actually remembers being taught these things?? I don't but I'm sure my mom had to teach me too. Also, trying to explain to my 2 year old why we can't wipe our bottom then our pee pee. It is not sinking in.

 

Perhaps it was because my mom was a nurse. But I remember her constantly talking about things such as that. 

[Crimson Wife]

No offense intended to you or your DH, but I made a very big deal out of teaching DS the following:

 

1.  If you can't find the courage to talk to your partner about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

2.  If you can't find the courage to buy condoms, you aren't ready to have sex.

3.  If you can't find the courage to talk to your doctor (male or female) about sex, you aren't ready to have sex.

 

I was the one insisting on using them in addition to my own birth control. He would've just as soon not used them but at the time I really felt strongly about doubling up to minimize the chances of an unplanned pregnancy.

[Terabith]

My kid was tasked with writing word problems. Evidently, she couldn't think of very many products you'd purchase by the gram. I had to explain to her that you will not be able to purchase 80 grams of heroin for $5. I had to google this information. I'm sure I'm on a watchlist now, but it was important that she get it right.

 

This is hilarious.  I would imagine that would be educational.

 

[Terabith]

I've spent a fairly large portion of my life telling children, either my own or at the preschool to "Please keep your tongue to yourself."  Other variations include:  "We don't lick our friends," "Don't lick the wall," "Please don't bite the chair," "Teeth are for biting food, not friends," etc.  And honestly, my youngest was so oral that we just kept the pacifier in her mouth in public till she was around four because it was easier than keeping her from licking everything in sight.