Birthday party vent... and talk me down from drama

[Starr]

The most annoying thing is that these good friends kept it a secret from you . They don’t seem to be that comfortable with the whole thing. I would skip tonight until I calmed down. Hugs

[Storygirl]

Thank you for this. Could you clarify what you mean by “problem within your own family� I mean my son is sad, I’m feeling sad, but I don’t really know if that’s a problem? It’s just feelings :)

I definitely want to be gentle and probably won’t say anything at all just because I don’t want her to have a little raincloud over what seems like a wonderful memory for their family.

 

 

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I just meant that it is something that you and your son need to work through yourselves.

 

[Rosika]

I think this is partly why I’m confused. I have a lovely picture of all of them (including my son) dressing up as princesses just a couple of months ago. At this friends house. It so obviously wouldn’t have been a problem at all.

 

 

I think a heads up would have really helped my son be able to process, he was really blindsided when his other friend shared all about it. I honestly just think the mom didn’t think about it. As my good friend she knows we’ve been struggling a lot with his anxiety and emotional regulation lately (we’ve had lots of conversations even in the last week) so although I wouldn’t expect her to consider his feelings, it would have been nice!

 

 

The part I'm getting hung up on is not inviting him because it is a princess themed party.  If they are good friends, I bet they might have played princesses before.  Both of my boys would have gladly played princess in a princess party when they were 4.  It's just sexist and weird to think all boys would be mad about a princess party.

 

I have four boys who were born in six years, so we've run into this from the opposite side. We have a girl in our life who has functioned as an honorary "sister" or "cousin" ... she's always been (assumed) to be invited to anything our family does - especially parties. She and my older two were in (different) public schools. At my oldest's sixth birthday, she was the only girl present and also the only child who didn't attend my son's school. She's very social and aware, and easy to get along with. But the other 5-6 years olds were brutal to her!! The theme was something stupid, and not especially boy ... airplanes, I think? maybe rockets? ... but they were relentless about teasing her. She handled it pretty well because she's confident by nature. She thought they were weird to care that she was the only girl, or that a girl couldn't/wouldn't be interested in aviation/science. But it did eventually wear on her, because ... she was 5! 

 

I'm just picturing a party where your son, whom the hostess knows is learning how to handle his anxiety, in a situation where he may feel anxious. Or worse, where he may be fine until OTHERS who aren't as intuitive or kind CREATE an anxiety-filled environment. And I'm picturing someone who cares about you and isn't sure how to say, "hey, I don't want your son to freak out if the girls tease him about being the only boy or about doing the princess thing" ... because let's face it, not everyone is at the same level of enlightenment about these things. Sexism is still a thing and a young, anxious child isn't the best choice to send across the lines. The friend's inability to know how to proceed with this situation isn't necessarily reflective of her feelings about the friendship - some people love, and care, and just suck at knowing how to handle things! So they bury their heads in the sand and hope that everything just comes to pass. (OP, it sounds like you know this and I think I'm more addressing some of the other posts who think the hostess should've handled it differently. Yes, a heads up from her would've been ideal but what is normal for you is not her reality so she might be clueless how to handle anxiety in a friend.)

 

If you can, I'd try to meet up with the girls tonight - just for a bit, maybe at the end. I'd spend a few hours alone, regrouping and recovering from the emotional fall our but I'd try to meet up with them for dessert at the end. Just for 30 minutes or so. You'll be more fresh and able to handle the conversation if it comes up, and it won't get more awkward with the passing of time. Sometimes the best way to heal is to face the thing head on and then move forward. I'd hope you could get in a few laughs unrelated to the party situation which might help ease away some of the feelings you're feeling on behalf of your son. Re-connecting is good for the soul and good for relationships. Once you work through yours, you can better help your son work through his. 

 

You sound like a loving mother and an understanding friend who values the people in your life. They're all lucky to know you!

[fraidycat]

So my son didn’t get invited to the birthday party of one of his best friends (a little girl we will call C). He’s 4 and found out when another of his best friends (we will call her b) was telling him about it yesterday. He is completely distraught and it’s really set off a whole chain of emotions/ difficult behaviors. Right now he’s refusing to go to his therapy because he’s so upset. So yay for that. I’m trying not to be upset. Logically I know that it’s just a kids birthday party and kids should be able to invite (or not invite) whoever they want. Also, the party was a princess party and I imagine that was probably the biggest reason he wasn’t invited. Though I’m kind of annoyed at the sexism in that considering they are 4 and my son is a sweet sensitive boy who is happy to play princesses, is not self conscious about traditionally “girl stuffâ€, and would have enjoyed the party very much.

So the biggest problem is, I’m supposed to be hanging out this evening with C’s mom, B’s mom, and another girl’s mom who also went to the party. These are a few of my best friends. I looked after B in my home for over 2 years and C for months (for free!) while her mom got back on her feet after her divorce. I’m upset and I know I shouldn’t be but I’ve just spent the last 24 hours dealing with an extremely emotional preschooler and I’m all worn down. It wasn’t personal, I know. I don’t feel like anyone should have done anything differently particularly but I still don’t really want to talk to them right now.

Oh, and I asked B’s mom whether she was coming to something and she gave some excuse. It’s only after I realized they were at the party instead and didn’t want to tell me. So I’m kind of upset about that too.

So my question is, how do I let this go? I know time will help, so should I just cancel tonight and hope no one tries to delve too deeply into why? Try and get through the evening with a fake smile? C’s mom posted lots of cute pictures of happy smiling twirling girls on Facebook and seems so happy about the beautiful memories created. I don’t want to mar that for her. But ... ugh

 

 

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Cancel and if they ask why, tell them you're exhausted from dealing with a distraught 4 year old who found out about a birthday party he wasn't invited to.

[caedmyn]

I think personally if I thought the other mom would be understanding I would plan to say something at a later date (whether or not I cancelled for tonight). Something like "Hey, my son got really upset when he found out from someone else that he wasn't invited to the party. It would really help me out in the future, if this comes up again, if you could just give me a heads-up beforehand so I can find a way to break it to him gently."

 

I think you have two different issues here really...one is not getting invited or told about the party by 1 mom and the other is a different mom not being entirely honest about why she cancelled plans with you. So I might say something separately (again, at a later date) to the 2nd mom if you felt it was worth doing.

 

I can understand that it might seem easier or less hurtful to not mention the party at all rather than to try to explain so that might be where they were coming from. Or some people truly seem clueless about how stuff like this might affect others (I have a formerly close friend who did this to me a few times, not inviting me to things like bridal showers and baby showers she hosted that included others in our social circle, when it was typical to invite everyone, but somehow I got left off her guest lists...so I do understand you being upset about it).

[Bambam]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 
 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

Edited March 6, 2018 by Bambam

[Bluegoat]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 

 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

 

 

I tend to agree with this, but I think people are operating from the idea that it was odd not to be asked in this case.  Kind of like not inviting the bride's sister to a wedding, it feels like they've been cut out deliberately.  So - it seems like something you might ask a friend about.

 

I think the truth of the matter is that that isn't what's gone on.  For some reason there was a specific group invited, there could be 1000 reasons that it happened that way.  So yeah, to me I'd not mention it.  It might be different if they seemed to be trying to avoid the friendship in other ways.

[Chris in VA]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 

 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

hate to say it, because somewhere in my spirit, it feels a little mean, but I totally agree with you, Bambam.

 

I don't think people need to explain who gets invited where. 

 

And I certainly think insinuating that someone OUGHT to be invited because you are mean if you don't is...wrong, too. 

 

But I have wondered why dd wasn't invited to a party when she was 10. It was explained that it was just "school friends." I get it. And it's fine. But it did hurt a bit. Dd handled it, though I think she might have felt a little hurt. 

 

So--

 

Yes, OP, you are correct, IMO, in all you said about their right to invite whom they wanted to invite, and that you know it was an all-girl party and so on and so forth. I do detect some hurt on your part, because they seem a little callous to YOU, because you want them to understand your son as you do, and they don't seem to get it that it was very hard on him, harder than it would be on another kiddo, perhaps. And that makes it hard on you. 

 

 I don't think they needed to give you a head's up, and I do agree that it is not an indication of their lack of care or concern for your life and what you have to deal with, with your intense and wonderful little boy, whom you obviously love so very much., but I understand how it would have been somewhat easier. I think maybe if you reframe it and take out the fact that you are attributing a lack of care to them it will help you get over it. 

 

(Said gently--because I have an "intense and wonderful little boy" who is now a grown-up, and it just was so nice when people understood what it was like for ME to raise him.) 

[highspirits]

I have four boys who were born in six years, so we've run into this from the opposite side. We have a girl in our life who has functioned as an honorary "sister" or "cousin" ... she's always been (assumed) to be invited to anything our family does - especially parties. She and my older two were in (different) public schools. At my oldest's sixth birthday, she was the only girl present and also the only child who didn't attend my son's school. She's very social and aware, and easy to get along with. But the other 5-6 years olds were brutal to her!! The theme was something stupid, and not especially boy ... airplanes, I think? maybe rockets? ... but they were relentless about teasing her. She handled it pretty well because she's confident by nature. She thought they were weird to care that she was the only girl, or that a girl couldn't/wouldn't be interested in aviation/science. But it did eventually wear on her, because ... she was 5!

 

I'm just picturing a party where your son, whom the hostess knows is learning how to handle his anxiety, in a situation where he may feel anxious. Or worse, where he may be fine until OTHERS who aren't as intuitive or kind CREATE an anxiety-filled environment. And I'm picturing someone who cares about you and isn't sure how to say, "hey, I don't want your son to freak out if the girls tease him about being the only boy or about doing the princess thing" ... because let's face it, not everyone is at the same level of enlightenment about these things. Sexism is still a thing and a young, anxious child isn't the best choice to send across the lines. The friend's inability to know how to proceed with this situation isn't necessarily reflective of her feelings about the friendship - some people love, and care, and just suck at knowing how to handle things! So they bury their heads in the sand and hope that everything just comes to pass. (OP, it sounds like you know this and I think I'm more addressing some of the other posts who think the hostess should've handled it differently. Yes, a heads up from her would've been ideal but what is normal for you is not her reality so she might be clueless how to handle anxiety in a friend.)

 

If you can, I'd try to meet up with the girls tonight - just for a bit, maybe at the end. I'd spend a few hours alone, regrouping and recovering from the emotional fall our but I'd try to meet up with them for dessert at the end. Just for 30 minutes or so. You'll be more fresh and able to handle the conversation if it comes up, and it won't get more awkward with the passing of time. Sometimes the best way to heal is to face the thing head on and then move forward. I'd hope you could get in a few laughs unrelated to the party situation which might help ease away some of the feelings you're feeling on behalf of your son. Re-connecting is good for the soul and good for relationships. Once you work through yours, you can better help your son work through his.

 

You sound like a loving mother and an understanding friend who values the people in your life. They're all lucky to know you!

Thanks for this post! I think there is so much here that is truth. I know I sometimes don’t know how to handle a situation so kind of just throw my hands up and hope for the best! There are a million possible reasons, but in the end it doesn’t really matter because these are good friends who have my back :)

 

 

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[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't read more than the first few replies (dinner's in the oven and is almost done) but I would advise not saying anything about the party at all when you hang out with the other moms.  If you philosophically understand that not everyone gets an invitation to every party and that people can invite anyone they want to whatever they want, then don't bring it up how you or your child felt about it because it comes off as criticism or correction or passive aggression.  I don't think you should correct someone when it really is OK to have just the girls over for a princess party sometimes, the church group for hot chocolate and Bible song sing along, the homeschool kids for a playdate, the cousins and best friends for Pie Day, and a mixed crowd for movie night/craft night/Mom's Night Out, and whatever other combinations can be dreamed up.

It's very important that you model not being devastated by this so you can teach your son to not be devastated by this.  This will happen.  I've been parenting for 22 years now and every individual has different ideas about who gets an invitation to what and none of us has any control over what someone else does.  They need to know how to handle this by the teen years or they'll be stuck in drama and waste precious emotional energy over what isn't really all that important.  No one has shut your child out of their lives, they just didn't invite the boy to a princess birthday party, which isn't all that far out of social norms even in 2018. 

My response to my child would be, "Yes, it hurts to not be included. I'd be sad too for a while.  People get to decide who to invite and they don't always include everyone every time. We can't do anything about that, bur can plan a get together/playdate/party at our house with whomever you'd like to invite.  What kind of snacks should we serve? What kind of activities should we do?"  Then plan it, invite them, and have a blast.  Don't keep the person who didn't invite him off his guest list.   It's important he learns that when you want to get together with someone, you invite them to get together, you don't sit like a lady in waiting hoping someone will invite you. If you want something to happen, you do what you reasonably can to make it happen.

[Bootsie]

Oh, and I asked B’s mom whether she was coming to something and she gave some excuse. It’s only after I realized they were at the party instead and didn’t want to tell me. So I’m kind of upset about that too.

So my question is, how do I let this go? I know time will help, so should I just cancel tonight and hope no one tries to delve too deeply into why? Try and get through the evening with a fake smile? C’s mom posted lots of cute pictures of happy smiling twirling girls on Facebook and seems so happy about the beautiful memories created. I don’t want to mar that for her. But ... ugh

 

 

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If I am understanding this correctly, B's mom was going to C's party when you asked to do something.  I would take that as B's mom realized that you were not invited to the party and it was not her place to say "Oh, C is having a party and I am going to that..."  I was taught you don't mention a party unless you know the person was invited.  This is also why I don't like the idea of posting party pics on facebook or other public places.  

[OneStepAtATime]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 

 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

 

I don't think most posts were saying this.  I think most posts were NOT saying OP should call up and ask why her son was not invited.  Most posts, it seems to me, were saying that whatever the reason for her son not being invited, it probably was NOT personal.  And tons of people were posting that there can be many reasons why some are invited and others not.  

 

OP herself was asking for support in processing through her own hurt and worry at seeing her child hurting when he is already emotionally struggling in some ways and she was needing support in trying to decide whether to go hang out with these moms or wait until she was less emotionally raw.  She stated she understood that people have the right to invite whomever they want.  She is just emotionally raw right now from seeing how devastated her son is and needed help processing. 

 

Even many of the ones posting that suggested she might be o.k. to bring up the situation were NOT suggesting she ask why he wasn't invited.  They were suggesting (myself included) that if it would help clear the air and the OP had a close enough relationship with the mom she might mention that her son did find out about the party and was hurt that he wasn't invited but that she was handling it and trying to help him understand.  Since this appears to be a very small, close knit group, honestly it might be a good idea, depending on the relationship.  If I were in the little girl's mom's shoes I would want to know that one of my children's close friends was feeling really hurt about something like this since hurt feelings can build to bigger problems.  The next time they play together he may very well act differently.  Understanding why could help parents help the children mitigate problems before they become bigger issues.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 

 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here?

 

 

You are right. Nothing's changed since these old rules of etiquette evolved.

 

People were (understandably) devastated by rejection then, too. People had their hearts broken by hearing about parties secondhand, way back then. This is not a new era in which it hurts our kids more, so we have to (or have the "right" to) tell people we are angry they didn't entertain us.

 

When a previous poster said "it's a family problem," she probably meant that it is in-house to figure out how to help a child navigate these feelings, and also for mom to figure out how to handle her own feelings and behavior. (Which is why the OP posted, I thought - not to do a JAWM but to work through it instead of lashing out, etc.)

 

The way we respond to people when they reject us socially, depends on our goals. Miss Manners said to ask yourself if it was worth it to you to be on the B list - can you scale back your attachment so you don't feel hurt not to be on their A list, do you like them enough to take them on the level of relationship that they're offering? Are there other benefits to sucking it up and keeping the friendship? If so, that's what you do. If *not*, you still don't confront them with their faux pas of not entertaining you...and you start to widen the distance until they aren't really close enough to hurt you anymore.

 

Miss Manners did not think it was easy, either way.

[amy g.]

My response is skewed because I hate attending birthday parties. The ones I hate the most are the ones where “too many†kids were invited.

 

Even when I’m not invited to a function by my own friends, if I hear about it, I think, “Oh yay! They got to have fun and I didn’t have to go to a party!â€

 

I would much rather spend time one on one, and my kids have family birthday parties. They strongly resemble how we celebrate graduations-we take them out to eat.

 

But if I had a kid who was devastated by being excluded, my focus would be on how to model maintaining a happy and open relationship with his friends. After all, the friends really didn’t do anything wrong, did they? You can only invite so many people right?

 

So that is why I would talk to my kid about what part of a party would he really enjoy and invite his friend over to do those things.

 

Would it be better if the friend said, “We can’t invite everyone so let’s not have a party at all? What if they didn’t invite any friends and had a family party? Would that be better? What if they had one friend over? Is that just as hurtful? Where do you draw the line?

 

If my son enjoyed this friend so much, I’d suck it up and make nice and do my best to maintain a relationship with the family for his sake.

[Murphy101]

I don’t get it. It sounds like they wanted the equivalent of a “girls night†event for their daughter. And it’s possible that is what their daughter wanted as well. So they only invited girls and did princess girlie stuff. I don’t think that’s even slightly sexist. And if it is, I guess I’m okay with it. And you can pry my girlfriends’ coffee dates and ladies nights from my phone calendar grasping cold dead hand.

 

I’m sorry your child is upset because he doesn’t understand that concept yet, but I wouldn’t make anything of it beyond a hug and kind age-appropriate explaination that lets him now it’s not bc there’s anything wrong with him or that they don’t like him.

[highspirits]

I really didn’t think I would get this many responses, thank you especially for those of you who offered support and hugs! Weirdly enough, I feel fully processed now. Something just snapped into place this afternoon and I don’t feel hurt anymore. I’m heading out to see my friends in about 20 minutes and I feel totally capable of asking how the party went and enjoying pictures and stories and whatever they want to share. And being genuinely happy about it for C. My son also made a cupcake and decorated a balloon for his friend and he was excited about that so even though I’m still seeing reflected in anxious behaviors, it’s progress. So we are good here. This was really helpful and therapeutic, thank you everyone. You are of course welcome to keep discussing social niceties and so on if you wish :)

 

 

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[Ravin]

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 

 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

 

These are not all analogous situations.

 

This is a child not invited to a best friend's birthday party, whose mom is also a good friend of the OP. A "good friend" who didn't have the courtesy to give OP a heads up about the party and the reason her kid wasn't invited, resulting in the child and the OP being blindsided and the child getting his feelings seriously hurt.

 

If my best friend has a birthday party while I'm in town and doesn't invite me, yes, I would ask why. If relatives invited all other similarly close family members but not me to their wedding, yes, I would ask why. 

 

If I had neighbors who usually invite me to their supper parties who suddenly threw one without me, I might be curious and ask about it. It would not hurt my feelings, though.

 

Some random barely acquainted mom? Not the same thing.

 

It's not just "not invited." It's "not invited close friend, not told close friend's momabout it, let kid you should have known might get feelings hurt be hurt."

[Murphy101]

Her friend not informing her and all the other moms acting weird about it makes me wonder if it’s bc they knew or at least felt they knew that the mom was going to be unreasonable about it and just didn’t want to deal with the drama. Or had no idea how to deal with it. (ETA: whether they should have felt that way, I don’t know, but I have had people act squirmy about whether they had to invite all my kids or all my boys or all my girls and they just didn’t know how approach me. )

 

The only part of this I think is off putting is how all the moms acted. This shouldn’t have been a big deal. Mom should have just said we are having a girls only party this year. What fun and blahblahblah. The end. And all the moms could have chit chatted about it and so on just like any of their other mom topics.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Murphy101

[katilac]

I'm glad you're feeling better, OP. 

 

Definitely, the mom should have given you a heads-up.  

 

If you go meet them and pleasantly inquire about the party with no side-eye, I give you full permission to feel morally superior. 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

The social norms I grew up with and live in say that it's rude and mean to talk about a party with someone who isn't invited. No head's up.  No explaining to someone why they weren't invited.  No talking about how it will be or how it was.  You just don't discuss it and neither do the invitees because the invitees usually aren't privy to the guest list. This is what the children are taught and what the adults do.

Asking why you weren't invited is something I've never heard of and it wouldn't have even entered my mind as something a person would even consider doing. I'm completely gobsmacked to hear people suggest it.  

There's no way every kid in social circle could be invited to our parties.  We didn't have the funds or the space for dozens and dozens of kids, and no one in my family (including the kids) has fun in a huge crowd of people. We have a party budget and the kids can choose what to do with it.  More expensive venues = fewer guests and vice versa.  Yes, my kids have had kids and their parents consider them "close" or "best" friends, but my kids didn't. Sometimes the birthday girl surprised me by who she did or didn't invite in the slots available, based on venue.

[Murphy101]

I agree with mom in AZ for the most part.

 

When I said me and my close friends would discuss it, it’s likely be not in front of the kids in question and just be close friends talking about what’s going on in our lives.

 

If we weren’t close or were taking pains not to hurt someone’s feelings? Yep. Like mominAZ said. Not a word mentioned.

[SKL]

Like you said, it was nothing personal.  Most likely the little girl wanted a princess party and the parents just wanted to make her happy on her special day.  I'd bet they would not have thought any boys (or boys' parents) would be upset about it.

 

I would say nothing about the party.  If you need more time to get past this, I like the idea of explaining that your son had a rough day and you are going to stay home and rest or however you want to put it.

 

I'm sorry your little one had a rough day.  I hope tomorrow is better.

[Tsuga]

I completely understand why a four year old was so hurt and upset. To them, at that age, friendship means you do everything together and being left out is a big deal.

 

I'd also be irritated about them kind of not telling me, seemingly hiding it so to speak, and if I were tired yeah I'd be moping right there with you.

 

However, I agree with you that you have to let it go. Sometimes the easiest way to let it go is to do something kind for someone else.

 

In this case, I'd explain to him that parties have limits, and sometimes people have to invite groups that work together, not necessarily their favorite people. Then encourage him to take the lead in celebrating her birthday with him. Invite her for tea and cupcakes. Let him celebrate with her. If the mom seems uncomfortable, you can be the bigger person by explaining that you understand that parties are necessarily limited but he really wanted to share the moment.

 

I know we have done this with friends who didn't fit the age group / theme (e.g. some kids don't like sleepovers or movies, so we met them later for a little "lunch" type thing). It worked out well.

[Bluegoat]

You are right. Nothing's changed since these old rules of etiquette evolved.

 

People were (understandably) devastated by rejection then, too. People had their hearts broken by hearing about parties secondhand, way back then. This is not a new era in which it hurts our kids more, so we have to (or have the "right" to) tell people we are angry they didn't entertain us.

 

When a previous poster said "it's a family problem," she probably meant that it is in-house to figure out how to help a child navigate these feelings, and also for mom to figure out how to handle her own feelings and behavior. (Which is why the OP posted, I thought - not to do a JAWM but to work through it instead of lashing out, etc.)

 

The way we respond to people when they reject us socially, depends on our goals. Miss Manners said to ask yourself if it was worth it to you to be on the B list - can you scale back your attachment so you don't feel hurt not to be on their A list, do you like them enough to take them on the level of relationship that they're offering? Are there other benefits to sucking it up and keeping the friendship? If so, that's what you do. If *not*, you still don't confront them with their faux pas of not entertaining you...and you start to widen the distance until they aren't really close enough to hurt you anymore.

 

Miss Manners did not think it was easy, either way.

 

I have a hard time conceiving of this as social rejection.  Rather the opposite - it seems to me the thing here is to teach that it isn't social rejection when you are not always invited and there is no reason to feel devastated about it.  Now, social rejection does happen and it's a good thing to be able to manage it, but I don't think that's whams going on in every case where people haven't been invited.

[marbel]

These are not all analogous situations.

 

This is a child not invited to a best friend's birthday party, whose mom is also a good friend of the OP. A "good friend" who didn't have the courtesy to give OP a heads up about the party and the reason her kid wasn't invited, resulting in the child and the OP being blindsided and the child getting his feelings seriously hurt.

 

If my best friend has a birthday party while I'm in town and doesn't invite me, yes, I would ask why. If relatives invited all other similarly close family members but not me to their wedding, yes, I would ask why. 

 

If I had neighbors who usually invite me to their supper parties who suddenly threw one without me, I might be curious and ask about it. It would not hurt my feelings, though.

 

Some random barely acquainted mom? Not the same thing.

 

It's not just "not invited." It's "not invited close friend, not told close friend's momabout it, let kid you should have known might get feelings hurt be hurt."

 

I agree with all this.   I also agree with those saying that one doesn't talk about social events to (or in front of) someone who is not invited - but I think of that with friends who are not as close as the OP described.  Of course "not talking about it" has become difficult with social media. 

 

What OP described reminded me about my friend group when my kids were little. There were 4 of us with kids mostly  around the same ages. We were very close - there were phone calls or email among us just about every day; if texting had been a thing then, we'd have had a group text going constantly.

 

There would be no way one of us would be excluded from all knowledge of a kid birthday party because we talked about everything all the time. But that doesn't mean everyone would be invited. I could picture this conversation: "Gemma's all excited about her birthday party.  But, hey, just so you know, she wants an all-girl princess party. No boys at this one."  "Oh how fun! <and then talk of princess parties would ensue>."

 

No need for hurt feelings, no need for dissembling or part of the group keeping the information away from the uninvited kid's mom.  His mom could do what she thought best, tell her kid or not, whatever.

 

In a group of friends where open communication is the norm and everyone pretty much talks about everything that's going on, it would be weird and hurtful to be left out of the conversation about an event one of the group  is having.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Oh no.  I don't feel that way.  I would not say anything.  They can invite who they want or not.  But it is understandable that her kid is hurt and I'd wonder what is up (if we really were all good friends). 

 

 

So most seem to think it acceptable to ask someone why they didn't invite my child to their child's birthday party?  Um, really?

 

So, every party I have, it is okay for people to ask why I didn't invite their child, another child, whomever? 

 

Can I call up relatives who didn't invite my family to their wedding to ask why and complain because it hurt my feelings?

 

Can I call up the neighbors and ask why I wasn't invited to their supper party?

 

Can I ask my friend why she didn't invite me to coffee with her when she invited another woman?

 

Can I ask some mom why her son asked another girl on a date and not my daughter? 
 

It is their party. They can invite who they want too. If I'm not invited, it is none of my business. If I am invited, I can either elect to go or not go. If I am invited, I think it is rude to go around and 'share' with everyone else that I am the favored one who was invited, and oh, you weren't. Oh, well. I'm sorry for letting you know about a party you weren't invited to. 

 

ETA: Maybe I am missing something here? 

 

[historically accurate]

I agree with all this.   I also agree with those saying that one doesn't talk about social events to (or in front of) someone who is not invited - but I think of that with friends who are not as close as the OP described.  Of course "not talking about it" has become difficult with social media. 

 

What OP described reminded me about my friend group when my kids were little. There were 4 of us with kids mostly  around the same ages. We were very close - there were phone calls or email among us just about every day; if texting had been a thing then, we'd have had a group text going constantly.

 

There would be no way one of us would be excluded from all knowledge of a kid birthday party because we talked about everything all the time. But that doesn't mean everyone would be invited. I could picture this conversation: "Gemma's all excited about her birthday party.  But, hey, just so you know, she wants an all-girl princess party. No boys at this one."  "Oh how fun! <and then talk of princess parties would ensue>."

 

No need for hurt feelings, no need for dissembling or part of the group keeping the information away from the uninvited kid's mom.  His mom could do what she thought best, tell her kid or not, whatever.

 

In a group of friends where open communication is the norm and everyone pretty much talks about everything that's going on, it would be weird and hurtful to be left out of the conversation about an event one of the group  is having.

 

OK, so say hypothetically Party Mom did say the bolded above a week before the party. I suspect that we would be here discussing it if it wasn't this exact situation where the mom wants a heads up. There would be pages of "How rude! She actually told you Little Boy doesn't get to go! Why bring it up if he can't go??" and "Way to rub your face in the lack of invitation!" and "Miss Manners says..." It would've been even worse if she hadn't told C (Party Child) to not discuss it - 4 year olds aren't big on tact. I think the pp got it right when it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

 

I don't discuss parties with non-invitees, and I've trained my kids not to go discussing it at co-op or other activity if not everyone was invited. We've never had everyone unless it was an official activity party because of budget; someone was always left out. 

 

Edit: I'm killing kittens with apostrophes today - Ack!

 

Edited March 7, 2018 by beckyjo

[SKL]

Honestly, it's issues like this that motivate many parents to just never have friend parties at all.

[marbel]

OK, so say hypothetically Party Mom did say the bolded above a week before the party. I suspect that we would be here discussing it if it wasn't this exact situation where the mom wants a heads up. There would be pages of "How rude! She actually told you Little Boy's doesn't get to go! Why bring it up if he can't go??" and "Way to rub your face in the lack of invitation!" and "Miss Manners says..." It would've been even worse if she hadn't told C (Party Child) to not discuss it - 4 year olds aren't big on tact. I think the pp got it right when it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

 

I don't discuss parties with non-invitees, and I've trained my kids not to go discussing it at co-op or other activity if not everyone was invited. We've never had everyone unless it was an official activity party because of budget; someone was always left out. 

 

 

Re: the bolded, yeah, you're right, as this thread shows.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Honestly, it's issues like this that motivate many parents to just never have friend parties at all.

 

Yep.  I have never done friend parties.

[Bluegoat]

I wish I'd never started friend parties.  Or that my kids had summer birthdays.  I don't intend to start with dd1, she's little enough that by the time she's old enough to notice her siblings will be into teen party mode.

[BarbecueMom]

I'm sorry he was disappointed.  

 

I'll probably be flamed for this since no one else has brought it up yet, but... I'm on my 3rd 4yo boy and I'm not sure any of mine knew what a "best friend" was at that age.  It's not a phrase I use, and they probably don't pick it up until they are well into the realm of chapter books set in 3rd grade classrooms. Their friends were/are largely dependent on my social connections or wherever I happened to take them, and those connections are also lost or fade based on me.  Heck my 4yo hasn't seen another 4yo in weeks because of flu season!

 

The horse may be out of the barn already, but adding that "bestie" qualifier to friendships that may come and go based on life circumstances that are completely out of his control, especially when he struggles with anxiety, is setting him up for disappointment.  Of course, he might jump right into that attachment on his own.  Some kids do.  But I wouldn't try to encourage a hierarchy of friendship at that age.

 

That being said, being the one child left out by an adult in the social circle (because a 4yo isn't checking the calendar and driving to Party City and mailing invitations) hurts.  It sucks that he got looped into that, however innocent or drama-filled the intentions were.

[highspirits]

I agree with all this. I also agree with those saying that one doesn't talk about social events to (or in front of) someone who is not invited - but I think of that with friends who are not as close as the OP described. Of course "not talking about it" has become difficult with social media.

 

What OP described reminded me about my friend group when my kids were little. There were 4 of us with kids mostly around the same ages. We were very close - there were phone calls or email among us just about every day; if texting had been a thing then, we'd have had a group text going constantly.

 

There would be no way one of us would be excluded from all knowledge of a kid birthday party because we talked about everything all the time. But that doesn't mean everyone would be invited. I could picture this conversation: "Gemma's all excited about her birthday party. But, hey, just so you know, she wants an all-girl princess party. No boys at this one." "Oh how fun! <and then talk of princess parties would ensue>."

 

No need for hurt feelings, no need for dissembling or part of the group keeping the information away from the uninvited kid's mom. His mom could do what she thought best, tell her kid or not, whatever.

 

In a group of friends where open communication is the norm and everyone pretty much talks about everything that's going on, it would be weird and hurtful to be left out of the conversation about an event one of the group is having.

Haha yeah this exactly. We have a very active group text. Kids all the same ages and have known each other since birth. It definitely feels a little different than just “friendsâ€

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm sorry he was disappointed.  

 

I'll probably be flamed for this since no one else has brought it up yet, but... I'm on my 3rd 4yo boy and I'm not sure any of mine knew what a "best friend" was at that age.  It's not a phrase I use, and they probably don't pick it up until they are well into the realm of chapter books set in 3rd grade classrooms. Their friends were/are largely dependent on my social connections or wherever I happened to take them, and those connections are also lost or fade based on me.  Heck my 4yo hasn't seen another 4yo in weeks because of flu season!

 

The horse may be out of the barn already, but adding that "bestie" qualifier to friendships that may come and go based on life circumstances that are completely out of his control, especially when he struggles with anxiety, is setting him up for disappointment.  Of course, he might jump right into that attachment on his own.  Some kids do.  But I wouldn't try to encourage a hierarchy of friendship at that age.

 

That being said, being the one child left out by an adult in the social circle (because a 4yo isn't checking the calendar and driving to Party City and mailing invitations) hurts.  It sucks that he got looped into that, however innocent or drama-filled the intentions were.

:iagree:

 

There are a couple little girls at the playground who have all their friends ranked by order of "bestness", as in X is my best friend, Y is my second best friend, Z is my third best friend, A is my fourth best friend... and on and on.  It drives me BANANAS.  Any time I find one of my kids listening to one of these kids going through her list, I have to take mine inside (later) and explain that it is the height of rudeness to rank friendships, especially in front of someone who isn't "top rank".  Luckily it doesn't seem to bother my kids, I think they are more perplexed by it.  

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with developing a best friend at some point in childhood (who might change with ages and stages), it just naturally progresses that way.  But to intentionally tell someone that they are *not* your best friend is just so mean!  

[fairfarmhand]

:iagree:

 

There are a couple little girls at the playground who have all their friends ranked by order of "bestness", as in X is my best friend, Y is my second best friend, Z is my third best friend, A is my fourth best friend... and on and on.  It drives me BANANAS.  Any time I find one of my kids listening to one of these kids going through her list, I have to take mine inside (later) and explain that it is the height of rudeness to rank friendships, especially in front of someone who isn't "top rank".  Luckily it doesn't seem to bother my kids, I think they are more perplexed by it.  

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with developing a best friend at some point in childhood (who might change with ages and stages), it just naturally progresses that way.  But to intentionally tell someone that they are *not* your best friend is just so mean!  

 

 

I think there are many moms who don't say these things out loud to their kids. I make a point to say them out loud to my kids and spell it out. 

 

I also tell my kids it's okay to not have a best friend because sometimes that's just a magical thing that happens.

 

And its fine to have circles of friends. These are my homeschooling friends. These are my church friends, these are the friends who I enjoy shopping with. 

 

 

We don't necessarily segment our friends. Like I'd invite overlapping groups to the same party or dinner if I thought they'd have things in common. But not everyone does that. And that's fine too.

[2squared]

Honestly, it's issues like this that motivate many parents to just never have friend parties at all.

That's us. Friend parties are too dangerous socially. My kids don't want anyone to feel left out.

 

We also actively discourage the "best" friend term. Almost friendships change as kids grow, and the "best" label becomes a huge burden at some point. It also includes expectations of behavior that I don't encourage - a best friend must always be included in the group, asked first to things, told secrets, etc. I prefer my kids to have plane, vanilla friends while realizing that those friends are often situational - church friends, school friends, sports friends, etc. It's very ok to have a school friend who doesn't come to play or come to birthday parties.

[katilac]

The social norms I grew up with and live in say that it's rude and mean to talk about a party with someone who isn't invited. No head's up.  No explaining to someone why they weren't invited.  No talking about how it will be or how it was.  You just don't discuss it and neither do the invitees because the invitees usually aren't privy to the guest list. This is what the children are taught and what the adults do.

 

 

 

 

Social media complicates this, because posting photos means you are indeed talking about it and letting people know they weren't invited. Does that mean you have to explain your guest list to everyone in the world? Of course not, but, in this case, both the kids and the moms get together all the time, talk all the time, etc. I can't imagine not being able to say to even a close acquaintance, dude, I don't want to blindside you or hurt kid's feelings, this is what is going on.

 

Even back in the day, it wasn't a foolproof method, because ime invitees discussed the hell out of the invite list - they weren't privy to it, but word got around about who was and wasn't invited. Which is fine, but if someone had reason to assume they would be invited, a head's up didn't hurt back then, either. 

 

 

I'll probably be flamed for this since no one else has brought it up yet, but... I'm on my 3rd 4yo boy and I'm not sure any of mine knew what a "best friend" was at that age.  It's not a phrase I use, and they probably don't pick it up until they are well into the realm of chapter books set in 3rd grade classrooms.  

 

Some young kids will pick up on what older siblings are saying, or other kids on the playground. Heck, some kids take the ball and run with it after hearing an expression or a concept a single time. So, if a preschooler talks about a best friend, it doesn't mean their parents are pushing the concept. It could simply be that a well-meaning adult once saw two kids playing together, and said, aw, best friends, how cute!