Birthday party vent... and talk me down from drama

[highspirits]

So my son didn’t get invited to the birthday party of one of his best friends (a little girl we will call C). He’s 4 and found out when another of his best friends (we will call her b) was telling him about it yesterday. He is completely distraught and it’s really set off a whole chain of emotions/ difficult behaviors. Right now he’s refusing to go to his therapy because he’s so upset. So yay for that. I’m trying not to be upset. Logically I know that it’s just a kids birthday party and kids should be able to invite (or not invite) whoever they want. Also, the party was a princess party and I imagine that was probably the biggest reason he wasn’t invited. Though I’m kind of annoyed at the sexism in that considering they are 4 and my son is a sweet sensitive boy who is happy to play princesses, is not self conscious about traditionally “girl stuffâ€, and would have enjoyed the party very much.

So the biggest problem is, I’m supposed to be hanging out this evening with C’s mom, B’s mom, and another girl’s mom who also went to the party. These are a few of my best friends. I looked after B in my home for over 2 years and C for months (for free!) while her mom got back on her feet after her divorce. I’m upset and I know I shouldn’t be but I’ve just spent the last 24 hours dealing with an extremely emotional preschooler and I’m all worn down. It wasn’t personal, I know. I don’t feel like anyone should have done anything differently particularly but I still don’t really want to talk to them right now.

Oh, and I asked B’s mom whether she was coming to something and she gave some excuse. It’s only after I realized they were at the party instead and didn’t want to tell me. So I’m kind of upset about that too.

So my question is, how do I let this go? I know time will help, so should I just cancel tonight and hope no one tries to delve too deeply into why? Try and get through the evening with a fake smile? C’s mom posted lots of cute pictures of happy smiling twirling girls on Facebook and seems so happy about the beautiful memories created. I don’t want to mar that for her. But ... ugh

 

 

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Edited March 6, 2018 by highspirits

[JFSinIL]

well, it was a girlie party, so I think no boys were invited is all. Doubt any slight was intended. Just point out to ds that sometimes girls do girl things and boys do boy things and sometimes girls and boys enjoy stuff together. Would have been nice if he and some other boys had been invited ("princes!") but there you go.

 

Thinking about this - I would go ahead and mention you have had a rough day, smile and note your little guy would have been happy to attend as a Prince, so maybe next time...then change the subject. Don't make a big deal out of it. But can't hurt to raise awareness that single-gender parties don't have to be the thing nowadays.

Edited March 6, 2018 by JFSinIL

[Annie G]

Years ago ds and dd were best friends with another brother/sister combo. They went to each other’s birthday parties, we had joint fall parties, etc. So when the other mom decided she wanted an all girl party (she was like six, so not a tween party or anything) ds felt sad and left out. Other mom got irritated that ds was upset, but I think that’s a valid emotion for a four year old. That’s the back story so you know why I say the following:

 

Kids can invite who they want to a party but that doesn’t mean a left out kid won’t feel sad about it. Maybe it would have been better if the mom hadn’t hidden it from you so you could have talked to your son about it before another kid told him how great the party was. It’s better to know up front than feel like there’s a secret going on.

 

I’d let it go by telling them how tired you are because ds has had a bad day and you’re worn down. (assuming you do get together with them)I’d also hope they would ask why he had such a rough time so you could at least get it out in the open and tell them you’re not mad, just tired from dealing with the fallout. But if they don’t ask, I hope you can just let it go. They don’t understand that your ds would be upset so no use trying to change that. But I feel for you- been there, done that.

[Butter]

It sounds like they only had girls there?  If so, I know the sexism is silly, but it wasn't a slight against your son.  I'm sorry, he's upset and has been rough.  But you really do have to find a way to let it go for your own sake and because of your friendship with the other moms.

[marbel]

Depending on how close the friendship is, I might bring it up tonight.  "How did the party go?  DS was so sad when he heard about it; I get it that it was a girl thing but next time can you let me know ahead of time so I can be prepared for the fallout?"  Or something like that.  I might even let them know that you are a little bit hurt that they hid the party from you, as if you wouldn't find out.  But again, that depends on the friendship.  I can think of a few people I could say that to, but others I couldn't because it wasn't worth damaging the friendship.

 

I get it that he'd be disappointed.  But I also get that sometimes kids just want an all-boy or all-girl thing.  I don't think of it as sexist at all.  

 

:grouphug:

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. It's so hard to feel left out, and your son is so young, so it's hard for him to reason through the emotions.

 

I really understand why you are upset. But I think that is a problem within your family, and not the other family's fault at all.

 

I wouldn't say anything to the friend about it, but I am non confrontational. If you are going to harbor resentment if you don't say something, maybe you should. But choose your words carefully, because they are likely to offend your friend.

 

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that she felt she had to hide the party from you. You could address that in a friendly way, just by saying that you heard her daughter had a party and you hope it went well and had a happy birthday. Once she knows you are open to talking about these issues without getting angry, hopefully she will not feel that she needs to hide it the next time.

 

Honestly, the fact that she hid the party from you means she worried you or your son would have hurt feelings. She probably was unsure about how to handle it. Your response this time will set the tone for how she deals with this kind of thing in the future. So if you address it, try to be friendly and gentle, not upset.

 

I don't think I would tell her how problematic this was for your son. She holds no responsibility for that, and if you bring it up, she may feel that you are blaming her. At most, if you are talking about the party, you might mention he was really disappointed, but you realized it was probably a party just for girls.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

This is so hard.  I'm sorry you and your son are struggling so much with this.  BTDT.

 

While you personally know your son would be fine with this type of party there are a lot of parents that would not want their son at a strictly girly party and there are parents that would not feel comfortable inviting a boy to a strictly girly Princess party for that reason.  Almost certainly this is why she didn't invite your son but probably had no idea how to tell you ahead of time.  That is unfortunate because you could have tried to soften the blow ahead of time by trying to explain that sometimes girls do things with just girls and boys do things with just boys but that doesn't mean they aren't still friends.

 

 Would clearing the air right away help you get past this quickly?  At this point you need to assess for yourself how well you will handle having a get together when emotions are still raw.  If you think you can gently mention that your son found out and is hurt but you are dealing with the fall out from his finding out,  understand it was a girls only party and would still like to see them, that might help (or might not work well at all...).  Potentially it would help to quickly get it off your chest (instead of it festering) while also letting the other mom know that you are still wanting a friendship and harbor no ill will long term. 

Edited March 6, 2018 by OneStepAtATime

[Storygirl]

Also, my best-friend neighbor who has girls the same age as my daughter has hosted birthday parties for them in years past and not invited my daughter. Even though her girls would play with DD daily outside and were good friends. Her kids had limits about the number of people they could invite, and sometimes DD has been invited and sometimes not. The mom let the girls choose whom to invite. They live just two doors down from us.

 

So I know what these situations can be like. Sorry.

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, I think they should have planned a party that he, her best friend, could be invited to.  Just saying.  Relationships are more important than party themes in my world.

[KungFuPanda]

I think you are way too wound up in this. You’ve got to let it go. It’s not at all unusual to have a girls-only princess party. This same group of girls will also not invite him to sleepovers when they’re 7-8. You’ve got to talk him through this so he learns that nobody is obligated to invite ALL of their friends to EVERY event they do. It’s not rude. It’s life logistics. If you can’t get yourself okay with this, to the point of cancelled something that DOES include him, you’re going to have a tough time helping HIM cope in a healthy way. It’s not sexist to have a girls’ day out.

 

Don’t be the jealous friend who micromanages the social lives of others. People will gradually fade out on you or cut you out of the informational loop if you’re petty about not being included in EVERY thing they do.

Edited March 6, 2018 by KungFuPanda

[Bluegoat]

Yes - this is likely to be an ongoing thing - there will be lots of parties that have more specialized lists.

 

I mean, as an adult, I can presumably invite who I want, but practically I have to make decisions about the amount of people I can manage. Often I make them based on a few factors - maybe there is one person or family I know will be there so I invite a group that will get along with them, or I go with mostly dh's family, etc.

 

The other thing is, I've seen groups where it became expected to invite all - like, if you invite one kid in a class you invited the whole class - on the principle that you don't want to let any kids feel left out.  It creates a real monster situation though with huge expensive on-location parties, and those who can't afford it not having a part with any school friends.

 

Getting used to the idea of not always being included is one of those things that everyone has to come to terms with. 

[Spryte]

I think the part that would make me feel sad is that the Party Planning Mom didn’t say, “hey, C wants an all girl party this year, we’re not trying to leave you guys out, she just wants a girl thing.†Since you’re close to the mom - I would find that odd. Ditto the other mom friend not being truthful about her plans. I think they were trying to spare your feelings though, so it was well intended.

 

I’d probably approach it as mentioned above, and be supportive and happy about the party for them, and honest about my son’s feelings, and ask for that heads up next year so I could help prep son for his feelings. That seems like a good plan.

 

OP, we would totally invite your son to our princess party! Girls, boys, doesn’t matter, friends are friends. I feel his hurt

[Butter]

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that she felt she had to hide the party from you. 

 

Did she though?  The other friend was busy and later it was figured out that was the time of the party, but when I decline invitations, I don't usually explain why I can't.  I just say I can't do whatever at that time.  The pictures are on Facebook for all to see so that tells me the party wasn't a big secret.  It sounds to me more like it was simply a princess party and the parents decided to invite only girls.  No intentional slight meant.

[J-rap]

Things like that are so hard on us moms!  I get it.  

 

I agree with others that it was not meant to be a slight at all -- nothing personal.  But yeah, if my dd's best friend was a boy, you can be sure I'd have a party that would allow boys too.  Some parents think it's all up to their child to plan the list, but I don't.  Sure, they get to plan most of it, but then I always looked over it to make sure no one was missing whose feelings would be hurt, and then we'd add them too.  I think that's an important lesson to teach your kids.  A birthday party doesn't have to be completely self-centered.  But, I've learned that most people don't think this same way about their children's birthday parties, so I've had to learn to not hold the same expectations of others.

 

So, I'd do a few things, and then try and let it go.

 

1)  Make sure your ds knows his feelings matter and that you understand them.  Sometimes my children hearing me say, "Yeah, that upsets me too!!" is really all they needed to hear.  But then, help him also understand that it wasn't about their friendship at all.  It was just that she chose an all-girls party this year.  Then find something to laugh about and do something fun.

 

2)  I'd bring it up casually with your friends tonight.  "Say, about that party!  It sounded fun!  You know, it would have been okay to tell me about it.  I know you were just trying to spare my feelings, but if I had known about it ahead of time, I could have talked about it with my ds so he wouldn't have been so sad when he found out!"

 

3)  Maybe right after bringing that up, you could plan a park day with all four kids for next week.  Or invite them over to your house for a couple hours for a play date.

 

4)  THEN move on.

[Seasider]

OP, you could be proactive. Invite your friend and her daughter over for a special play date, make some cupcakes, make your own little intimate party. Or plan a special field trip with treats. That will be an example to your son about being the one to initiate the celebration of another, instead of waiting on an invitation to be part of someone else's event.

[Mimm]

My niece just had a unicorn themed party for her fifth birthday and invited a boy. The house was decorated in lots of pink and there was a very girly tea served. He showed up in slacks and a vest with flower for the birthday girl and enjoyed himself. He was the only boy there.

 

It's possible to have the party theme the birthday girl wanted AND invite all the important people in her life. I don't really comprehend not even mentioning it. I think it was handled poorly by the other moms.

 

That said, it's just a birthday party so you should do what you can to let it go. :grouphug:

[Tap]

This is just a fact of life that kids have to get used to.  Not everyone gets invited to everything.  It isn't always about who is best friends, it is about individual events. If you bring it up and if you make her feel guilty (even unintentionally) it Will hurt your relationship.   I understand you want to protect your son's feelings, but this is just one of those times that you have to just cuddle you own kid and let it go. 

 

If you are so inclined, maybe invite the little girl out for lunch or a playdate to celebrate her birthday.  That way both kiddos can enjoy some birthday fun and it may make it easier for your ds to deal with the hurt feelings. 

 

We have not included various friends in birthdays, for a myriad of reasons over the years. 

Group dynamics (basing list on who gets along the best)

Keeping things more fair (can only invite 8, so we invite all 8 from school,  to not leave one person in the class out)

Limiting the list (can't invite everyone)

Keeping the work down (some parties were gender specific so I didn't have to figure out neutral prizes/favors/decorations)

Not inviting the one kid who gets super wound up, whiney, or tends to go off by them self and sulk when they get upset.

etc.

 

Parties with guest lists are hard and unfortunately it is a life skill that does start young.  (((((hugs))))) it is sooooo excruciating to be the one left out!  I hope he is ok now that the party is all over. 

 

[Katy]

I'd probably text the other two moms and say, "Sorry, I need to cancel the plans later because DS is still too upset.  B let it slip that there was a party DS wasn't invited to, and while obviously it's understandable to not invite a boy to a princess party, DS is having trouble accepting the fact."

 

That way you communicate whose child told, exactly how hurt your child is, some degree of how bad it is, and you don't place personal blame on the parents or other child.

[highspirits]

well, it was a girlie party, so I think no boys were invited is all. Doubt any slight was intended. Just point out to ds that sometimes girls do girl things and boys do boy things and sometimes girls and boys enjoy stuff together. Would have been nice if he and some other boys had been invited ("princes!") but there you go.

 

Thinking about this - I would go ahead and mention you have had a rough day, smile and note your little guy would have been happy to attend as a Prince, so maybe next time...then change the subject. Don't make a big deal out of it. But can't hurt to raise awareness that single-gender parties don't have to be the thing nowadays.

Yep, no boys were invited. I know it definitely wasn’t personal and that’s why I’m trying to get past being upset. My son is only 4 though, and in therapy for anxiety and other issues, so he takes things really hard. We’ve talked about they just wanted it to be girls etc but I still have to deal with the fallout. It will likely be a couple of days before he’s not acting out constantly on his disappointment. And I think that’s what it’s hard, because it makes my parenting week really hard and I can’t even vent to my closer friends about it now!

 

 

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[highspirits]

It sounds like they only had girls there? If so, I know the sexism is silly, but it wasn't a slight against your son. I'm sorry, he's upset and has been rough. But you really do have to find a way to let it go for your own sake and because of your friendship with the other moms.

Yeah that’s the conclusion I came to as well. I think if we were having our mom get together at the weekend I would be fine, it’s just tonight it’s still a little raw, you know?

 

 

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[historically accurate]

First of all, big hugs. It's really hard to be the one left out, and I think it's even harder to watch your child feel left out. 

 

However, I honestly don't think she should've told you beforehand, highspirits. Party mom shouldn't be contacting people who aren't invited on the chance that they may be upset to let them know they aren't invited. In this case, with how close you are, maybe it'd be ok to talk to you about it beforehand, although I don't see a way to bring it up without being rude? I was taught you don't talk about parties with people who aren't invited. I personally don't put party pictures on Facebook because I've been hurt before when I realize that everyone (or it seems like everyone to me!) is getting together regularly or for a big party without me. Facebook party pics are actually a pet peeve of mine actually.

 

 

[Andromeda]

Agreeing with the other posters that the mom and the girl did not mean to hurt your son.

 

I also think it is a great idea to invite the mom and the girl and have a little private birthday party for her at your house. It would be more like a play date, but maybe with a cupcake for the birthday girl and a happy birthday song. That way the kids can play and celebrate the birthday together and have the extra one on one time.

[rocassie]

Is your son more upset that he didn't go to the party or didn't get to celebrate friend's birthday?

 

I ask because we have neighbor friends that our kids play together quite a bit.  However, often the kids have their school class or their family over for their birthday parties.  My oldest DD was really upset when she heard the neighbor girls (twins) were having a birthday party.  After talking with her, she was more upset because she wanted to get them a present and celebrate their birthday with them not about not going to the actual party.  Although she would have loved to attend the party as well.

 

Together, we got a present, and invited the girls (their brother and mom too) over for pizza and a fun dessert.  DD was able to spend time with them, and give them the present.

 

Maybe you could do something similar.  When seeing your friends, ask how the party went.  Then say something like "Son really wants to celebrates C's birthday.  Would you and Mom of B, like to have a come over to play and have some cupcakes that son wants make?  Maybe the kids could decorate their own cupcakes."

[highspirits]

I'm sorry. It's so hard to feel left out, and your son is so young, so it's hard for him to reason through the emotions.

 

I really understand why you are upset. But I think that is a problem within your family, and not the other family's fault at all.

 

I wouldn't say anything to the friend about it, but I am non confrontational. If you are going to harbor resentment if you don't say something, maybe you should. But choose your words carefully, because they are likely to offend your friend.

 

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that she felt she had to hide the party from you. You could address that in a friendly way, just by saying that you heard her daughter had a party and you hope it went well and had a happy birthday. Once she knows you are open to talking about these issues without getting angry, hopefully she will not feel that she needs to hide it the next time.

 

Honestly, the fact that she hid the party from you means she worried you or your son would have hurt feelings. She probably was unsure about how to handle it. Your response this time will set the tone for how she deals with this kind of thing in the future. So if you address it, try to be friendly and gentle, not upset.

 

I don't think I would tell her how problematic this was for your son. She holds no responsibility for that, and if you bring it up, she may feel that you are blaming her. At most, if you are talking about the party, you might mention he was really disappointed, but you realized it was probably a party just for girls.

Thank you for this. Could you clarify what you mean by “problem within your own family� I mean my son is sad, I’m feeling sad, but I don’t really know if that’s a problem? It’s just feelings :)

I definitely want to be gentle and probably won’t say anything at all just because I don’t want her to have a little raincloud over what seems like a wonderful memory for their family.

 

 

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[highspirits]

:grouphug:

 

This is so hard. I'm sorry you and your son are struggling so much with this. BTDT.

 

While you personally know your son would be fine with this type of party there are a lot of parents that would not want their son at a strictly girly party and there are parents that would not feel comfortable inviting a boy to a strictly girly Princess party for that reason. Almost certainly this is why she didn't invite your son but probably had no idea how to tell you ahead of time. That is unfortunate because you could have tried to soften the blow ahead of time by trying to explain that sometimes girls do things with just girls and boys do things with just boys but that doesn't mean they aren't still friends.

 

Would clearing the air right away help you get past this quickly? At this point you need to assess for yourself how well you will handle having a get together when emotions are still raw. If you think you can gently mention that your son found out and is hurt but you are dealing with the fall out from his finding out, understand it was a girls only party and would still like to see them, that might help (or might not work well at all...). Potentially it would help to quickly get it off your chest (instead of it festering) while also letting the other mom know that you are still wanting a friendship and harbor no ill will long term.

I think this is partly why I’m confused. I have a lovely picture of all of them (including my son) dressing up as princesses just a couple of months ago. At this friends house. It so obviously wouldn’t have been a problem at all.

I think it would help me to get it off my chest and I definitely prefer for things to be out in the open, but I don’t think it’s worth making my friend feel sad about the party she made for her daughter.

 

 

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[prairiewindmomma]

Yep, no boys were invited. I know it definitely wasn’t personal and that’s why I’m trying to get past being upset. My son is only 4 though, and in therapy for anxiety and other issues, so he takes things really hard. We’ve talked about they just wanted it to be girls etc but I still have to deal with the fallout. It will likely be a couple of days before he’s not acting out constantly on his disappointment. And I think that’s what it’s hard, because it makes my parenting week really hard and I can’t even vent to my closer friends about it now!

 

 

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This.  It sounds like your ds has some special needs that make life challenging....and that your little circle of society has been fairly small up to this point. The reality is that this is going to be an issue that you're going to keep bumping into, even as his world expands.....because not everyone gets included for everything.  As an example from my own life---a group of boys is going mountain biking and my ds isn't riding well enough yet (motor issues) to fully participate.  He doesn't know how to communicate that he's not automatically up for off-road mountain biking. He's a tween.  

 

Your son will get better at navigating the emotional potholes,  and you'll get better at managing your own emotions and at guiding him through his.

 

Be happy for your friends.  Seriously.  If they are YOUR friends, and not just gateway access for playdates, strengthen your relationship with them when you get together next.

 

Also, on a practical note, get some respite for yourself......quiet trip to the store, mani-pedi, lunch date out with friends while he is with a sitter.....  You are in it for a marathon, and you need to pace yourself accordingly.

[highspirits]

I think you are way too wound up in this. You’ve got to let it go. It’s not at all unusual to have a girls-only princess party. This same group of girls will also not invite him to sleepovers when they’re 7-8. You’ve got to talk him through this so he learns that nobody is obligated to invite ALL of their friends to EVERY event they do. It’s not rude. It’s life logistics. If you can’t get yourself okay with this, to the point of cancelled something that DOES include him, you’re going to have a tough time helping HIM cope in a healthy way. It’s not sexist to have a girls’ day out.

 

Don’t be the jealous friend who micromanages the social lives of others. People will gradually fade out on you or cut you out of the informational loop if you’re petty about not being included in EVERY thing they do.

I don’t know if you read the original post very closely, but I specifically said I was trying to work through things in my own head so that it doesn’t affect our relationships or make anyone else feel bad. I also specially said exactly what you did, that it is okay for people to choose who to invite to parties and that we are working through that with my son.

I’m feeling sad that my son is sad. It’s okay to have feelings. I refuse to believe that that makes me petty, micromanaging, or in any way a bad friend.

Also, it’s just moms hanging out tonight, without kids. I think that giving myself a little time to get over the initial hurt so I can approach this maturely is not unhealthy.

 

 

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[marbel]

I think this is partly why I’m confused. I have a lovely picture of all of them (including my son) dressing up as princesses just a couple of months ago. At this friends house. It so obviously wouldn’t have been a problem at all.

I think it would help me to get it off my chest and I definitely prefer for things to be out in the open, but I don’t think it’s worth making my friend feel sad about the party she made for her daughter.

 

 

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A playdate, where things may happen spontaneously, is different from a planned party.  So maybe that's why it was fine for a playdate, and not for the party. Sometimes kids who play fine in a mixed group together just want to have all-girl or all-boy events, just because that's what they want.  I have both a boy and a girl, and when they were younger they had mutual friends, but sometimes there was a "girl thing" or a "boy thing" and the other wasn't invited.  It can be hurtful of course, till the child can understand it's not personal to them. 

 

:grouphug:

[highspirits]

I think the part that would make me feel sad is that the Party Planning Mom didn’t say, “hey, C wants an all girl party this year, we’re not trying to leave you guys out, she just wants a girl thing.†Since you’re close to the mom - I would find that odd. Ditto the other mom friend not being truthful about her plans. I think they were trying to spare your feelings though, so it was well intended.

 

I’d probably approach it as mentioned above, and be supportive and happy about the party for them, and honest about my son’s feelings, and ask for that heads up next year so I could help prep son for his feelings. That seems like a good plan.

 

OP, we would totally invite your son to our princess party! Girls, boys, doesn’t matter, friends are friends. I feel his hurt

Thank you! I think a heads up would have really helped my son be able to process, he was really blindsided when his other friend shared all about it. I honestly just think the mom didn’t think about it. As my good friend she knows we’ve been struggling a lot with his anxiety and emotional regulation lately (we’ve had lots of conversations even in the last week) so although I wouldn’t expect her to consider his feelings, it would have been nice!

 

 

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[highspirits]

Did she though? The other friend was busy and later it was figured out that was the time of the party, but when I decline invitations, I don't usually explain why I can't. I just say I can't do whatever at that time. The pictures are on Facebook for all to see so that tells me the party wasn't a big secret. It sounds to me more like it was simply a princess party and the parents decided to invite only girls. No intentional slight meant.

Yeah we had been thinking about doing an art class with the kids together but then she said she had decided it was too far to drive. It would really have been better if they just said they were busy, or going to a party.

 

 

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[Jean in Newcastle]

I bet that they didn’t bring up the party because we are told over and over again that it is impolite and mean to talk about something that someone wasn’t invited to. I think that they were damned if they did and damned if they didn’t.

 

 

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[highspirits]

OP, you could be proactive. Invite your friend and her daughter over for a special play date, make some cupcakes, make your own little intimate party. Or plan a special field trip with treats. That will be an example to your son about being the one to initiate the celebration of another, instead of waiting on an invitation to be part of someone else's event.

This is a lovely idea! I actually offered it to my son and he was upset that other people might hear about the fun time they had and feel sad and left out. I love his sensitive heart .... maybe just a little raw for him to consider right now. We are going to have to have lots more conversations about this!

 

 

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[Guinevere]

Maybe they were trying to think of him. Misguided, but maybe they were just trying to not bring it up at all.

 

Also, these things do happen, but isnt the upset a fear of rejection? You could bring it up in those terms. "Ds heard about the party, and was worried he'd done something wrong. Is everything okay?" I think it might be better to just get it over with instead of always wondering if they were leaving you guys out.

[highspirits]

Is your son more upset that he didn't go to the party or didn't get to celebrate friend's birthday?

 

I ask because we have neighbor friends that our kids play together quite a bit. However, often the kids have their school class or their family over for their birthday parties. My oldest DD was really upset when she heard the neighbor girls (twins) were having a birthday party. After talking with her, she was more upset because she wanted to get them a present and celebrate their birthday with them not about not going to the actual party. Although she would have loved to attend the party as well.

 

Together, we got a present, and invited the girls (their brother and mom too) over for pizza and a fun dessert. DD was able to spend time with them, and give them the present.

 

Maybe you could do something similar. When seeing your friends, ask how the party went. Then say something like "Son really wants to celebrates C's birthday. Would you and Mom of B, like to have a come over to play and have some cupcakes that son wants make? Maybe the kids could decorate their own cupcakes."

He’s upset about all of it :( his friends having fun without him, missing out on games and activities. And especially cake. He loves cake. We are having some today!

 

 

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[highspirits]

This. It sounds like your ds has some special needs that make life challenging....and that your little circle of society has been fairly small up to this point. The reality is that this is going to be an issue that you're going to keep bumping into, even as his world expands.....because not everyone gets included for everything. As an example from my own life---a group of boys is going mountain biking and my ds isn't riding well enough yet (motor issues) to fully participate. He doesn't know how to communicate that he's not automatically up for off-road mountain biking. He's a tween.

 

Your son will get better at navigating the emotional potholes, and you'll get better at managing your own emotions and at guiding him through his.

 

Be happy for your friends. Seriously. If they are YOUR friends, and not just gateway access for playdates, strengthen your relationship with them when you get together next.

 

Also, on a practical note, get some respite for yourself......quiet trip to the store, mani-pedi, lunch date out with friends while he is with a sitter..... You are in it for a marathon, and you need to pace yourself accordingly.

Yes thank you for the support. I really do need to get out (he was up multiple times last night crying about it and I’m really tired!) so that’s why I do want to go out with my friends tonight, but I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready not to say something unnecessary if it comes up. Mainly just because I’m mentally and emotionally tired. Getting to talk about it here has helped since I couldn’t take it to my RL friends :)

 

 

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[fairfarmhand]

Yes thank you for the support. I really do need to get out (he was up multiple times last night crying about it and I’m really tired!) so that’s why I do want to go out with my friends tonight, but I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready not to say something unnecessary if it comes up. Mainly just because I’m mentally and emotionally tired. Getting to talk about it here has helped since I couldn’t take it to my RL friends :)

 

 

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You're tired. 

 

It's legitimately okay to say "I'm tired tonight. We had a rough night last night. We're going to bed early, I'll catch you guys another time."

 

I bet a good night's sleep will help with your perspective. 

 

go to bed early and reconnect in the future. It;s not about your friends and their decision, whether right or wrong. I'd venture to say you're  running into the exhaustion of parenting a special needs kid. 

 

 

I think if you go tonight and it pops out, you are so tired that it will not go the way you hope it will and you may hurt your friends, feel that you made a fool of yourself, or just simply not address it in the way that you would prefer to do so.

 

I vote that you take the evening to rest. Not because you're over sensitive or your kid is oversensitive. But because you're worn out and won't be at your best.

 

ETA: I just read that you need to get out. I think it's ok for you to tell your friends you need some time alone tonight, like at the library or go out for coffee alone.

Edited March 6, 2018 by fairfarmhand

[fralala]

Well, I think they should have planned a party that he, her best friend, could be invited to.  Just saying.  Relationships are more important than party themes in my world.

 

Yes. And it sounds like actually he would have been totally comfortable with this party. Birthday parties are to celebrate with our friends. We try to make them comfortable, of course, but for a best friend? You extend the invitation with the caveat that he will the only boy there, but you'd love to have him. They're four.

 

I have experienced this once when my kids were invited to a party, along with all but four kids from the (small) homeschool group we belong to. Seriously? So mean. As friendly as the mom and kids are to us, I no longer trust her.

 

With that said, if you can find it within you to go tonight, and give your friend a chance, she might say something that helps make this all better. We don't know. I'd give it a try. And I like the idea of saying something along the lines of, "[son] really wants to do something special for [girl's] birthday. He has a gift and we wondered if we could take her to a movie/go out to lunch/treat her to ice cream." And then maybe you can dress him in a princess dress for the occasion. (Just passive-aggressing! But as the mom of a son who is perfectly happy to get his nails painted and eat pink cupcakes, I think sex is a lame reason to exclude a four year old from a party.)

[Samm]

No, unless you have vastly overestimated the friendship between your son and C, the mom of C should've given you a bit of warning.  And that little bit would've been the friendly thing to do.  No one (mom of B) should lie to you.  No one should instruct others not to tell you something.  (You can imagine that C rec'd lots of warnings not to tell either.)  These are just not the kind of friendships I value and I think age 4 is too young to have to suck it up and feel guilty about having your hurt feelings.  Feelings are hurt and raw, as you said.  You can float the private cupcake idea but by all means protect his little heart first.

 

If you do go to mom's night (tired and wrung out no less), just prepared to grab your check if turns out to be more an apres-party regaling session.

[highspirits]

You're tired.

 

It's legitimately okay to say "I'm tired tonight. We had a rough night last night. We're going to bed early, I'll catch you guys another time."

 

I bet a good night's sleep will help with your perspective.

 

go to bed early and reconnect in the future. It;s not about your friends and their decision, whether right or wrong. I'd venture to say you're running into the exhaustion of parenting a special needs kid.

 

 

I think if you go tonight and it pops out, you are so tired that it will not go the way you hope it will and you may hurt your friends, feel that you made a fool of yourself, or just simply not address it in the way that you would prefer to do so.

 

I vote that you take the evening to rest. Not because you're over sensitive or your kid is oversensitive. But because you're worn out and won't be at your best.

 

ETA: I just read that you need to get out. I think it's ok for you to tell your friends you need some time alone tonight, like at the library or go out for coffee alone.

Thanks for this, I think you nailed it exactly. It’s like I know no one did anything wrong, but I guess it would have been nice for my friends to make an effort knowing that we’ve been having a hard time lately. I didn’t realize that was the root of why I’m having a hard time letting go. This is like therapy :) I’ll go do something for myself today :)

 

 

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[SparklyUnicorn]

Ugh...seriously what is wrong with people.

 

That's really crappy.

 

(obviously I have no good advice for dealing with it)

 

Sorry to your kid...

 

 

[Seasider]

You're tired.

 

It's legitimately okay to say "I'm tired tonight. We had a rough night last night. We're going to bed early, I'll catch you guys another time."

 

I bet a good night's sleep will help with your perspective.

 

go to bed early and reconnect in the future. It;s not about your friends and their decision, whether right or wrong. I'd venture to say you're running into the exhaustion of parenting a special needs kid.

 

 

I think if you go tonight and it pops out, you are so tired that it will not go the way you hope it will and you may hurt your friends, feel that you made a fool of yourself, or just simply not address it in the way that you would prefer to do so.

 

I vote that you take the evening to rest. Not because you're over sensitive or your kid is oversensitive. But because you're worn out and won't be at your best.

 

ETA: I just read that you need to get out. I think it's ok for you to tell your friends you need some time alone tonight, like at the library or go out for coffee alone.

⬆ï¸Wisdom

[Mama Geek]

Just be glad it isn't an adult family circle of friends.  We deal with either our smaller group of grandparents and dd's aunt and uncle or else we have to have all of dh's aunts and uncles because they all talk to each other and you just can't invite one set without the others.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The part I'm getting hung up on is not inviting him because it is a princess themed party.  If they are good friends, I bet they might have played princesses before.  Both of my boys would have gladly played princess in a princess party when they were 4.  It's just sexist and weird to think all boys would be mad about a princess party.

 

 

[Peaceseeker]

It does get easier as they get older. I have a social butterfly invited to everything and it would hurt her brothers feelings so much when they were little when he wasn't invited (they are close in age). I worried about him so much when that happened. We feel what they feel so I sympathize with you.

 

I have often found myself on the other side of the coin as well, with a kid that can easily invite 30-40 friends and I just can't do that every year. This year she had to choose 3 girls to sleep over and it was so hard for her. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but the four of us live in an 800 square foot house so 4 teen girls was plenty for the night. So many things to consider.

 

Sometimes I wish I had never started friend parties and just done family parties. But that was all I had as a kid and I was always jealous of the girls with their skate parties, etc.

 

You can't win. Hang in there!

[amy g.]

Here is what I would do, I’d call the mom and say, “Hey, I realize your daughter had an all girl party and that is cool, but my son would really like to celebrate with her too. Is their any way she can come over on Thursday for a little get together? We will be decorating cupcakes and taking funny photos in dress up clothes. Let me know if that there is a better day for you. Love you!â€

 

Because for me, that would be a win/win and let us all move forward without awkwardness.

[Ravin]

Honestly? I would tell C's mom exactly how devastated your DS was that he wasn't invited to the party. I would probably ask why he wasn't invited. Playing the "don't tell them about it" game about the art class was a completely stinky thing to do on top of not inviting him. I would call them on their BS.

[Seasider]

Just be glad it isn't an adult family circle of friends. We deal with either our smaller group of grandparents and dd's aunt and uncle or else we have to have all of dh's aunts and uncles because they all talk to each other and you just can't invite one set without the others.

We deal with something similar. It's frustrating. Everything has to be "the gang's all here."

 

I love them all, but I'm not always up for a large crowd. When they're all over at once, I find I do more hostessy stuff and less actual visiting. The smaller groups allow more personal interaction.

[Ravin]

The part I'm getting hung up on is not inviting him because it is a princess themed party.  If they are good friends, I bet they might have played princesses before.  Both of my boys would have gladly played princess in a princess party when they were 4.  It's just sexist and weird to think all boys would be mad about a princess party.

 

Not to mention that it's not hard to expand the theme if you know your child wants some friends there who aren't into princesses. I seem to recall DD at five or six having a "Princesses and Pirates" party. Mostly because that was what I found on clearance at Michael's to decorate with, lol.

[Bambam]

Parties are hard. Sometimes you are invited, sometimes you are not. It is life, but it is very hard when you are 4!

 

For financial reasons and for space reason and for mom-sanity reasons, my kids couldn't always invite everyone they wanted to their parties.  Sometimes who they elected to invite over others surprised me. 

 

I always reminded them not to talk about any party they were having or were invited to around others - because - you never know who all was invited and who was not (not your party, obviously you know that!) and you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So, I totally get the moms not mentioning the party to you. I don't. Because I honestly can't think fast enough or how to tactfully say we were going to a birthday party that someone wasn't invited to. I don't think that is lying by omission - I can't make whatever other event someone suggested because I already have plans. I generally don't explain why we can't attend something, I just say we can't. Period. 

 

But it hurts. I get that. I wish I knew how to make it not hurt. And you are tired and upset and that makes it all worse. Personally, I'd stay home because - for me at least - I know that I was upset and normally wouldn't be because of trouble my child was having with it - and home and peace and quiet would be the best for me. But I might also just go pick up a smoothie somewhere and sit in my car quietly and read as well. I've done that and left DH with the kids so I can have a bit of quiet time. 

[wonderchica]

The part I'm getting hung up on is not inviting him because it is a princess themed party. If they are good friends, I bet they might have played princesses before. Both of my boys would have gladly played princess in a princess party when they were 4. It's just sexist and weird to think all boys would be mad about a princess party.

I don’t think OP knows for sure the princess thing is why he wasn’t invited. My understanding from her posts is that none of the other moms in her friend group have said anything to her about the party, including the mom throwing the party. The princess thing is just guesswork.