Leaving co-op while maintaining friendships

[klmama]

Our family has been involved with the same homeschool co-op for 13 years.  There's only one dc left at home, and we are debating if we should continue.  Dc has good friends through other activities, but I'm hesitant to leave because of my own friendships there and because it's hard to get together outside of this activity due to conflicting schedules.  If you've left a similar situation, how did YOU handle the change in your friendships?   

 

  

 

 

[HSmomof2]

If you can stay, I would. We’ve left two different co-ops over the years and eventually most of those friends faded away despite the best intentions to get together.

[bettyandbob]

Is your DC still getting something out of coop.

Does co-op prevent DC from doing other things more closely related to his/her goals/interests/needs.

 

If DC is happily able to get his education goals completed through online/DE/self study and is satisfied with his social schedule, I wouldn't force participation.

 

Last thing you want is to have coop on the schedule, say the schedule us full so can't do electronics or judo and have DC realize that coop really doesn't fit him anymore, but get goes so mom can hang with Mrs. Jones.

 

I'm assuming your DC is older and does stuff on his own sometimes.

 

One thing you could do to maintain your co-op friendships is look at the co-op calendar and contact one of your friends and ask if you can come to something a bunch of the moms work on together to catch up. Does your co-op have activities that require behind the scenes mom sessions? Like a group pow wow putting together new family pics, or setting up a full dance/spring carnival, seeing costumes/assembling props. So you drop by and visit while getting work done.

[Bambam]

We left a co-op, but we hadn't been there that long.

 

There were a couple of people we did maintain contact with, but it is because I did all the work and gentle pushing/reminding to get together. Then we moved. My oldest still has email contact with one friend from that co-op. That's it. You move and people tend to forget you. We're still FB friends so we see what is going on in each other's lives, but that is pretty much it. 

 

How old is your youngest? Once he is gone, it is even harder to maintain those relationships unless the other person in invested in it too. 

 

Maybe it is time for you to find activities that you enjoy so you can start building a new network once homeschooling is over? (Said gently as a mom in exactly the same place). 

[lynn]

Well I ran into an old coop acquaintance and one of the things she mentioned was loosing her friends when she left. I felt the same way. so, I would stay if your son still enjoyed it or to be a mentor to the younger homeschooled moms.

[sassenach]

Can you downshift your participation? Go for 1 class and lunch rather than the whole day.

 

Without another regularly scheduled point of contact, I think it’s pretty much inevitable that those friendships will start to fade out.

[Mimm]

Every time I've left a group, people say things like, "We'll get together soon! I don't want to lose touch." But we don't get together. I don't know if it's an American thing, or whatever, but people are super lazy about friendships. I can't say that I'm much better. I get wrapped up in my own little world and don't make the effort when I should. I genuinely want to stay friends with people, but I just let myself get sidetracked by general business and introversion.

 

In other words, if you care about the friendships more than the free time in your schedule, I would stay.

[Catwoman]

Does your child still enjoy co-op? If not, I would leave, even though I would realize that I might lose the friendships I had made there over the years. If I hadn’t been getting together with the women outside of co-op after having been friendly with them for 13 years, I’m not sure I would consider them to be particularly close friends, anyway. I would probably view them as nice people I saw at co-op, but not as true friends.

 

I’m not saying that to be mean, but I wanted to post the perspective of someone who probably wouldn’t bother to stay in touch with someone who left a group — I might like you a lot, but if we were only friends while we were at group functions and didn’t meet for coffee or kids’ playdates outside the group, it probably wouldn’t occur to me to get together outside the group after you left, either.

[solascriptura]

I’ve become somewhat cynical about this exact issue. I’ve come to accept that most of the people that we become friends with are situational friends. I would let my child decide if he/ she wants to stay for their friends and then deal with the potential loss of friends. I’ve been in this situation with college, church, co ops, playgroups, etc.

[CAJinBE]

My older dd stopped going to co-op a couple years ago and my younger dd stopped this year because high school course work took too much time. Most of the other kids were younger. But I still go every other week to teach science. We have some of the social events at our house and we go on the field trips. It's my main social outlet right now plus I like teaching science to elementary and middle school kids. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I think the decision of whether or not to stay in a co-op should be about what the kid is or isn't getting out of it.

If you want to try to maintain the adult friendships, then it should be your time and energy invested, not the kid's.  Also, I think it's unreasonable to expect that you can maintain the same relationships at different stages of life.  Sure, you should definitely make the effort and if it works out, great!  But realistically, those relationships are likely to end as you transition into a new stage of life. There's nothing wrong with that.  You can develop new ones in your new stage.

Remember that everything has pros and cons.  Flexible, customized schedules are no different.  While it gives you the opportunity choose from more options, it makes it less likely your flexible, customized schedule will line up with someone else's flexible, customized schedule, which is a con.  Back when moms stayed out of the workforce, sent their kids to the neighborhood public school, and dads worked 9-5 M-F, it was probably easier to match up schedules, but there were fewer choices.  Back then people didn't relocate as frequently so longer term relationships were more likely.  Now people change locations, jobs, churches, schools, and such much more often than a couple of generations ago. Our world is far more mobile than it's ever been. We should adjust our expectations accordingly. 

[klmama]

Maybe it is time for you to find activities that you enjoy so you can start building a new network once homeschooling is over? (Said gently as a mom in exactly the same place). 

 

Yes.  Thanks for the insight.  Even if we continue with the co-op, I do need to start building a new network. 

[Rosika]

We were only part of a co-op for two years, but we've been able to retain our relationships for the two years we've been GONE from co-op.  We left because the academics weren't a good fit for us (we're more relaxed and the co-op was pretty hardcore so homework spilled over into "my" time teaching at home.) Even with that, they've continued to include us in field trips and holiday parties, and they've invited us to do some of the "bigger" things like dissections. 

 

It was an adjustment going from seeing families 2-3 days each week, to 1-2 times a month but the kids maintain e-contact (and those who can drive, get together every few weeks, socially, without the younger siblings of course). The moms have kept me in the text group loop. Sometimes I get texts of zero interest or relevance to me because it's about co-op, but I also get the social ones so that helps me stay in touch. 

 

Ours was a small co-op (6 families). Two families left; 1 (me) maintained contact while the 2nd family cut themselves off entirely (with the exception of me, whom they stayed in touch with and who I see monthly for MNO and getting younger siblings together).