How do I help/motivate ds?

[housemouse]

Over the last few months I have noticed a pattern in ds I am not liking very much. He got this "I don't care to do well if its hard for me to do" attitude if I can call it that.

 

He's done archery for few years and this year he has moved from cub to cadet based on his age which means he has to shoot longer distances and smaller targets. Well, it requires more practice to get better at hitting the target and getting good scores. Since it does not come as easily as shorter distances, he is not wanting to practice, sometimes not even bothering to pick up the bow. He's giving up on it because it is harder to attain same scores on new distances even though he really is enjoying archery.

 

In his biology class he will submit all assignments by due dates without me asking or checking. Will get 100 in all the homework, article reviews, labs and extra credit but he wont review and study for quizzes and tests and will have 80s and low 90s. When asked why wont he study- he'll just say he just doesn't and he can raise his grades from extra credit. One time dh made him study he made high 90s on his test and even with that he still wont study on his own. Same goes for math. And he likes science and math comes pretty easy to him but as soon as it requires any extra effort on his part to get it done or more time spent to review/study for the test, he just doesn't, goes in winging it and had his overall I don't really care attitude sometimes as if to say, yeah, I know I have to study I really don't want to waste my time studying and if I get a bad grade, oh well.

 

How do I change this attitude and giving up in a hurry because it requires work and time on his part? I know he can make straight A if he wanted too because the material is not something he does not understand, he just does not seem to care.

 

Thank you so very much.

 

 

[Haiku]

If your son is in high school, it's really time for him to take ownership of his activities. If he is not practicing in archery, you are not obligated to continue to pay for it, but I wouldn't nag him about it. Having parents who nag about activities that are supposed to be fun kills the joy. Ask me how I know ...

 

As far as the biology grades ... I just started back to school after nearly 3 decades years of not being a student. One of the first things I did was give myself permission to get Bs. When I was in high school, my parents were so strict about my grades that my mother once grounded me for three months for getting a B+ one quarter in English (freshman year, highest-level English class offered). My parents made me neurotic about my grades. I suggest letting your son own his own grades. If he can get As and Bs without studying, let him get As and Bs without studying. 

 

As a now wise and experienced adult, I can look back on my high school experience and see that I was entirely too anxious about it. It really is ok for a kid not to have a 4.0. I think we as a society err too far in the direction of "everything we do has to be done really well, and it's even better if it's done perfectly." Sometimes it's ok to just do ok.

[Mommyof1]

With archery could it be his vision or has he lost interest in it?

 

Sometimes when it's too easy you wonder why you put in the extra work. They like to skate by, especially at that age.

 

Does he need to slow down and take a break? Is this something new or is it a pattern?

[housemouse]

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Edited February 28, 2018 by housemouse

[housemouse]

If your son is in high school, it's really time for him to take ownership of his activities. If he is not practicing in archery, you are not obligated to continue to pay for it, but I wouldn't nag him about it. Having parents who nag about activities that are supposed to be fun kills the joy. Ask me how I know ...

 

As far as the biology grades ... I just started back to school after nearly 3 decades years of not being a student. One of the first things I did was give myself permission to get Bs. When I was in high school, my parents were so strict about my grades that my mother once grounded me for three months for getting a B+ one quarter in English (freshman year, highest-level English class offered). My parents made me neurotic about my grades. I suggest letting your son own his own grades. If he can get As and Bs without studying, let him get As and Bs without studying. 

 

As a now wise and experienced adult, I can look back on my high school experience and see that I was entirely too anxious about it. It really is ok for a kid not to have a 4.0. I think we as a society err too far in the direction of "everything we do has to be done really well, and it's even better if it's done perfectly." Sometimes it's ok to just do ok.

Ds has no issues with getting to the official club practices for archery, its that extra that he should try to do at home that he does not want to do. And he does enjoy it. In fact we just did a state indoor tournament and he definitely had fun there but his final score reflected that lack of additional practice.

 

As far as grades, when I said straight A student, I did not mean perfect 4.0 student. I know for a fact that he can not be one- he is just not wired that way. I know that his English and history will likely to always be a B grade because that is not something he has interest in and does it as something that is part of the requirement to graduate. In our state anything 90 and above is considered A. I would be happy with 92, 93 or above- he just does not seem to care- or at least it seems that way.

 

[housemouse]

With archery could it be his vision or has he lost interest in it?

 

Sometimes when it's too easy you wonder why you put in the extra work. They like to skate by, especially at that age.

 

Does he need to slow down and take a break? Is this something new or is it a pattern?

I have never considered his vision as a possible issue. We had him checked last fall and all was fine then. Thank you for suggesting it. I know he still has not lost interest in archery. In fact, he went to a state tournament earlier this month and had fun there. His scores, on the other hand reflected the fact that he did not put in extra practice.

 

As far as school work being too easy or boring, I don't be and issue. He always shares different titbits of something new he learns, and either dh or myself have interesting discussions on those topics. I do agree that sometimes kids at this age like to try to skate by and hope they get lucky.  All this if more of the last six months development. So I guess its new.

 

[RootAnn]

It could be that he doesn't see the value in the added work. If he doesn't see why he should put in the extra practice or time studying, then there is no reason for him to do it other than to please you.

 

I'll give you an example from my life. I don't care too much about my appearance, so I don't spend time on my hair other than to brush it (and maybe pull it back) and I don't wear makeup unless it is a special occasion. I have nice Sunday clothes, but my everyday clothing is clean and comfy. My mother has different goals and priorities in life and it really bugs her that I don't care like she does. Nothing she says changes my priorities.

 

In your son's case, the lower grades might keep him from being able to do something when he is going into college (a specific scholarship or a special program), but he doesn't see that right now. Maybe he wouldn't care right now even if he did realize it. IMO, the only thing you can do is to help him see those future opportunities. It might change his behavior, hut it most likely won't.

 

Welcome to being the mother of a teenage boy.

[Haiku]

In fact we just did a state indoor tournament and he definitely had fun there but his final score reflected that lack of additional practice.

 

I don't mean to sound flip, but my response to that would be, "Ok."

 

He didn't practice. He got a lower score.

 

How does he feel about that?

 

Does it matter if it doesn't bother him?

 

My son is an elite-level hockey player, so I understand the idea of doing the best that you can. But at 15, his primary interest with regards to hockey is having fun with his friends. Maybe your son just wants to have fun and not feel pressured. My son loves hockey, but other interests and priorities are cropping up, too, including "I'd rather just sit on my butt and watch Youtube than do drills in the basement." I think that's normal at this age.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you. It has been hard for me to watch my son (seem) to lose his motivation for all-hockey-all-the-time, but I have to remember that it is his life and as long as I don't see him going down some dangerous spiral that could indicate something like depression or substance abuse (and I see no evidence of that), it's ok for him to not be as motivated right now, or for his interests to change. Being a teenager is tiring. I think it's normal to need more downtime and less pressure.

[housemouse]

I don't mean to sound flip, but my response to that would be, "Ok."

 

He didn't practice. He got a lower score.

 

How does he feel about that?

 

Does it matter if it doesn't bother him?

 

My son is an elite-level hockey player, so I understand the idea of doing the best that you can. But at 15, his primary interest with regards to hockey is having fun with his friends. Maybe your son just wants to have fun and not feel pressured. My son loves hockey, but other interests and priorities are cropping up, too, including "I'd rather just sit on my butt and watch Youtube than do drills in the basement." I think that's normal at this age.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you. It has been hard for me to watch my son (seem) to lose his motivation for all-hockey-all-the-time, but I have to remember that it is his life and as long as I don't see him going down some dangerous spiral that could indicate something like depression or substance abuse (and I see no evidence of that), it's ok for him to not be as motivated right now, or for his interests to change. Being a teenager is tiring. I think it's normal to need more downtime and less pressure.

 

Actually, he was not really bothered that his scores were not stellar. He actually was talking about doing it again next year.

 

I guess it is all part of them growing up and figuring it all out. It probably bugs me more than him since I know he can do so much better and be so much more if he just applied himself. I'll just have to accept it to a certain degree and write it off as the teen thing. He's my oldest and first in all things of a child growing up, so it is just another step for me on the parenting ladder.

[RootAnn]

It probably bugs me more than him since I know he can do so much better and be so much more if he just applied himself.

 

My mom had two (of 3) sons who did "not work up to [their] potential" in high school. One failed out of the first college he attended. He did eventually graduate. The other went into the Marine Corps and eventually graduated from the Naval Academy. He is whip smart and very accomplished now, but simply had different goals and priorities back then. When he decided he wanted something, he went after it. I think this is typical of some teenage boys.