Is your spouse your best friend? Should they be?

[J-rap]

I was telling someone my password for an account, which answered the question: "Who is your best friend?"  The answer was my spouse's name.  :)  She was surprised, and thought it was so sweet!  It made me wonder, do most people view their marriage partner this way?  Can it still be close and special if you don't consider them your "best friend?"  Maybe they fall into different categories.  Anyway, it just got me thinking.  I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong;  I'm just wondering about other viewpoints.

[SparklyUnicorn]

yes my absolute best friend...I see nothing wrong with it...for one thing I'm very introverted and don't get close to people easily at all so when I do it's usually a very very close friendship and I highly value loyalty...he is very very loyal and he values the same in me...we could not be better matched

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

No, we're not each other's best friends.  We're close.  I don't think a spouse should or shouldn't be, they may or may not be which is perfectly fine. 

[hjffkj]

Yes, my dh is my best friend and I probably tell him that everyday.  We have plenty of time away from each other but truthfully I would love to spend all my time with him.

[Scarlett]

yes my absolute best friend...I see nothing wrong with it...for one thing I'm very introverted and don't get close to people easily at all so when I do it's usually a very very close friendship and I highly value loyalty...he is very very loyal and he values the same in me...we could not be better matched

 

 

This is so sweet.

[Scarlett]

I didn't meet my dh until I was 45.  I met my best friend when we were 11.  So she and I have a very long term relationship and she always pops into my head when someone says 'best friend'.  But in practically speaking?  Yeah, it is my dh.  We are very close.  I do need my girlfriends but he is the one I depend on.

[marbel]

I don't think of my husband as my best friend.  He's in a different category altogether.  He's way more than a friend, but also different from a girlfriend.  It's just... different.   I can't explain my thoughts.  

 

I don't see anything wrong with someone saying their spouse is their best friend.  I don't think he'd describe me that way.  Because... I'm different.  LOL

Edited February 28, 2018 by marbel

[mytwomonkeys]

Yes, my absolute favorite person and best friend.

[mamaraby]

Yes, my dh is my best friend and is the person who most understands me and all my quirks - often without me having to say anything.

 

That being said, I don’t think there’s any “should†or “should not†about it. I imagine people who do not feel their spouse is their best friend are as annoyed by being told their spouse should be their best friend as I am by the numerous articles published lately that say spouses should not be and marriages are harmed by viewing their partner as such. There are lots of ways to be married. Probably as many different ways as there are successful marriages. Like weight loss, we can talk population level trends, but it’s always going to vary when we talk about individuals.

[AK_Mom4]

I agree with the poster above - it’s ok if your spouse is your BFF. It’s ok if you have a BFF who isn’t your spouse. It’s fine either way.

Edited February 28, 2018 by AK_Mom4

[Heatherwith4]

Yes, absolutely. Like Sparkly said, I’m an introvert, too. I’m also very private and don’t make friends very easily. Also I don’t have a ton of time for friendships anyway. But yes, he’s my favorite. :)

I don’t think anyone else is wrong to be different.

My sister is second on the list. I have my best friend from school, too. She and I are no longer close because of life, but we will always be friends, because she knows too much. :lol:

[wintermom]

_{I think my relationship with my dh is in a completely different category than a friend or "best" friend. He's so much more than a friend; he's my partner, the father of our children, my support, my reality check, and lots more.  "Best friends" have come and gone over the years, and their knowledge of my inner feelings have never been the same as with dh.} 

[Crimson Wife]

No, I don’t look to my DH for the kind of sympathy and emotional support that my closest girlfriends provide. He’s a “fixer†and is great for offering suggestions about actions to take but emotions are not really his strong suit.

 

I am fine with him being a husband and not a BFF. He does his husbandly duties as breadwinner and TeA partner and if I want some “there, there†sympathy I will turn to a female friend/relative.

 

 

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[LucyStoner]

I have friends. I’m not intimate with my friends (physically or to that degree emotionally). So by definition, my husband is in a different category. One where he’s the only one. He’s not my best friend, he’s so much more than that. Maybe that’s too literal minded but that’s how I see it in my life.

[egao_gakari]

If I stop and think about it, he definitely is, and we've even referred to each other as such before, but it wouldn't be my instinctive response to a password question! Like others have commented, I'm not someone who makes friends very easily, and I wouldn't call any of the friends I have right now "best," so being confronted with that kind of password question I'd be totally confused. Which non-husband friend is closest to me is something that changes pretty frequently... and Hubby is definitely the person who knows me best (and loves me despite that!)... and yet his primary role in my eyes is "Hubby," not "friend." (One time I said, "I love you, Hubby," and he responded, "I love you too... Wubby..." and I almost died laughing.) We're definitely each other's closest friends. Just not what immediately springs to mind.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don’t have one best friend. I have a number of best friends. Dh is one of them. Each are unique and he of course is unique simply because he is more than a friend. He’s my lifemate.

 

 

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[Megbo]

My husband is one of my closest friends, but my sister is my best friend. She had a head start. 

[rebcoola]

No my DH is  my favorite person but he is not who I consider my best friend.

[Farrar]

I don't think of him that way really - he's my partner. But come down to it, sure, he's my closest friend as part of that, though I have other good friends. I'm with others saying it doesn't have to be that way though - all different kinds of models of marriage work. But nor would I be a bit surprised by someone saying their spouse was their best friend. I mean, it surprises me that that surprised anyone.

[regentrude]

Yes, he is

[BarbecueMom]

Mine is. If he isn't then I don't have one at all.

[FaithManor]

Dh is my best friend with benefits! :D

 

We are super close, and love spending time together. But yes, like Arctic, sometimes a girl needs another girl, so I have a female gal pal for that.

[JennyD]

Like others, I think of my DH as his own personal category.

 

Regardless of whether you consider your spouse your best friend, though, it seems like a bad iidea to use your spouse's name as a password.  

Edited February 28, 2018 by JennyD

[maize]

Different category to me.

 

If I had to name a best friend it would be my sister.

 

I love my husband, but the relationship doesn't feel like a friendship. Just different.

 

Maybe my answer would be different if the mental health struggles were gone. I've spent so much time being more caretaker towards him than anything else.

Edited February 28, 2018 by maize

[foxbridgeacademy]

DH works nights and I get excited when he gets up early so we can spend time together before he goes to work.  We message on FB all night while he's at work. We talk about cars, politics, work, school, furniture, crafts, Ted talks we both watched, everything you can think of we are likely to discuss it (his job is unusual in that he's waiting around for something to break in a specific way). He goes shopping with me but I do draw the line at playing FPS games with him.  I have sisters, my mom, my kids (turning out to be excellent future friends) and him. I don't really know anyone else (any longer) well enough to call friend but I don't really need anyone else.

[AmandaVT]

He is, but we both have very close friends as well. He is my favorite person to hang with, bar none, but we both benefit from having confidantes/buddies who aren’t ‘on the inside’ of the relationship.

 

Sometimes a girl just needs another girl :)

 

This is me too - DH and I prefer each other's company over anyone else, but on occasion, I need my non-spouse best friend to talk to. 

[DesertBlossom]

DH is my best friend. I love being with him and tell him everything. I'm an introvert and busy with 6 kids and haven't been very good about maintaining other close friendships. When I want to talk to a non-dh friend, I ache for my mom who passed away. I love my sisters dearly but we aren't close in that way.

[solascriptura]

No, your spouse does not have to be the bf.  I'm lucky that mine is my absolute bf but I think that a lot of women get really discouraged when they imagined that marriage was like being married to their best friend.  I do have a female best friend, but in terms of closeness my dh is by far the ultimate bf.  

[LucyStoner]

Like others, I think of my DH as his own personal category.

 

Regardless of whether you consider your spouse your best friend, though, it seems like a bad iidea to use your spouse's name as a password.

This is true. I actually answer all security questions as if I were ten years old. So my favorite color, best friend, street I lived on, food, etc when I was 10. I figure things change now but the past is the past and it’s long buried. One of my passwords contains the first phone number I ever memorized, which certainly no one else knows nor do I ever need to write it down.

[mommyoffive]

Yes, my dh is my best friend and I probably tell him that everyday.  We have plenty of time away from each other but truthfully I would love to spend all my time with him.

 

Off topic

 

But glad to see you here again.  Maybe I missed all your posts, or something.  I was thinking I hadn't seen you here in awhile

 

 

 

 

Not sure if he should be, but my spouse is.  

[KungFuPanda]

For me friendship is a different relationship. BFF doesn’t seem an adequate title for my marriage. I have friends and best friends and those connections are just in a different universe from what I have with Dh. Based upon my own personal categorization, I wouldn’t consider Dh my best friend even though my relationship with him is the most fulfilling adult relationship I have. My friendships can never be that intimate.

[Tap]

Nope, my spouse is not my best friend. He is the type of person who will just agree with everything I say, and never give real feedback.  I don't consider that to be a quality I would look for in a best friend.  I attribute it to too many years in management positions at work.   "always be agreeable and then do what you want anyways" 

[Robin M]

Yes, absolutely. Now one else knows me and understands me like he does. And visa versa.

[AimeeM]

I used to describe him as my best friend, but I don't think the description is entirely accurate. He is my "closest person." I talk to him about everything, really -- even things I wouldn't talk to my best friend about. We talk about the most serious of things and the most mundane of things -- and the itty bitty things of every day, and because he's my Closest Person, he "gets" those itty bitty things in a way that only a person who is entrenched in the same, could.  

 

I didn't say it well. 

Edited February 28, 2018 by AimeeM

[mumto2]

My dh has been my best friend since we were 14 and his family moved next door. Much of our life has been spent together to some degree even when we were at University with hundreds of miles separating us. We didn't officially date until we were 21 and have been married for almost 30 years. I also have a friend that I refer to as my bf who is the sister I never had.

[DawnM]

I have a group of best friends from my boarding school days.  We are still very close and talk at least weekly on the phone.  They had a HUGE headstart on my DH.  

 

I am fine with not calling my DH my best friend.  He is more of an introvert, listens, but doesn't give a lot of feedback sometimes.  I am not an introvert and he is fine with me going off for dinner or coffee with friends, talking on the phone with my more long distance friends, flying to Seattle, LA, or wherever to meet up with them, etc.....For example, we have a beach trip every May.  I am in charge of it.  It is open to all the females from my graduating class at boarding school.  I look forward to it every year.  He is fine with me going because he knows it feeds my soul.  

 

I love my husband.  We have been married 23 years, but I need my girlfriends.

[Kassia]

Yes, absolutely. Now one else knows me and understands me like he does. And visa versa.

 

This is how it is for us, too.  My DH and I have been together since I was 18.  He is so supportive of me and always wants what is best for me.  I can tell him anything.  He doesn't always understand, but I know he loves me and would do anything for me.  He's seen me at my worst and still adores me and is so devoted to me.  I love and respect him in a way I don't with anyone else.  And he's funny and smart and handsome and successful and kind and generous - I could just go on and on.  He impresses me every day.   I don't know anyone else like him.  

[fraidycat]

Mine is. I don’t think spouses must or must not be best friends because different relationships work differently.

 

That said, I went through a period of time when we moved a lot (so no local friends) that I relied on him too much to meet my emotional needs and that was one contributing factor to my situational depression which them made it hard to get out of bed or muster energy to even try to make friends, but I digress. DH is my BFF whom I tell everything to, but I still need other friends too.

Edited February 28, 2018 by fraidycat

[Elizabeth86]

Yes. He just barely beats out my mom for the spot though.

[mytwomonkeys]

Yes. He just barely beats out my mom for the spot though.

This is the same for me. My mom is the person that I talk to about everything, and my sisters come in third. My husband takes the cake though.

 

OP, I have friends & people that I really enjoy. But we’ve moved quite a bit in our marriage, so I don’t have lifelong friendships or people that just really know me well (that tends to happens over years of doing life together imo). Friendships, for me, are based on deep trust and understanding, and I just don’t really have that outside of my husband and family. I’m fine with that, and the friends I do have, we really connect on many levels. But.. if I need to cry or get really vulnerable, or act my silliest, or complain loudly... that’s all going to be with my husband.

 

I certainly understand that spouses don’t have to be best friends. Marriages look different because people are different.

Edited February 28, 2018 by mytwomonkeys

[Ravin]

Nope. My best friend has been my bestie since I was about 10 and she was 12. DH and I were friends before we married, though.

[J-rap]

This is true. I actually answer all security questions as if I were ten years old. So my favorite color, best friend, street I lived on, food, etc when I was 10. I figure things change now but the past is the past and it’s long buried. One of my passwords contains the first phone number I ever memorized, which certainly no one else knows nor do I ever need to write it down.

That's a great idea!

[StaceyinLA]

My husband is definitely not. I love him, and he’s a great husband, but we don’t have a lot in common and kinda just each do our own thing. It works great for us; we have common life goals and our values are similar, but he is just not a social butterfly, and he’s not really into chatting about things. ;-p

 

I have some very close adult girlfriends, 4 sisters, some nieces really close to my age, and 3 adult daughters. I never have a shortage of people to talk to/confide in, but my poor hubby is usually not the first to know a lot of things.

 

*I realize this might make my husband sound worse than he is - he’s a doer; not a talker. Right now he is doing a 40K remodel on our home, mostly alone. That’s just who he is. He would do ANYTHING for our children (as long as it didn’t require going to Disneyworld or something). He reminds me that most women would love that kind of husband (and I DO love and appreciate that about him for sure). ;-p

[4everHis]

My husband is definitely not. I love him, and he’s a great husband, but we don’t have a lot in common and kinda just each do our own thing. It works great for us; we have common life goals and our values are similar, but he is just not a social butterfly, and he’s not really into chatting about things. ;-p

 

I have some very close adult girlfriends, 4 sisters, some nieces really close to my age, and 3 adult daughters. I never have a shortage of people to talk to/confide in, but my poor hubby is usually not the first to know a lot of things.

 

*I realize this might make my husband sound worse than he is - he’s a doer; not a talker. Right now he is doing a 40K remodel on our home, mostly alone. That’s just who he is. He would do ANYTHING for our children (as long as it didn’t require going to Disneyworld or something). He reminds me that most women would love that kind of husband (and I DO love and appreciate that about him for sure). ;-p

 

This would come closer to describing my relationship with DH. Mine doesn't do ANY relationship on a deep/emotional level because first things have to be logical and make sense :)  That's his make-up, it's how he works and on a huge level why he's good at parenting, budgeting, doing his job and why he's trustworthy. It helped when I realized that he's never going to be my best (girl) friend type husband. When I let that go I was able to see all the other qualities that make him one of my favorite people.  ;)

[Garga]

Nm

Edited February 28, 2018 by Garga

[Lady Florida.]

Like others have said, he's in a different category. Of course he's a dear friend. I couldn't have pledged to spend my life with and be intimate with someone I can't be friends with. 

 

However, I have several very close girlfriends whose friendship is different than the friendship I have with dh. There are some things I'd rather discuss with another woman and that's where a female best friend comes in. 

 

As for whether a spouse should or shouldn't be, that's going to be an individual thing. It's okay if your spouse is your best friend and it's okay if he or she isn't.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[MysteryJen]

I wouldn't say my husband is my best friend-he is more "my person." I have found that women tend to want their husband to be their best friend and then they also have or desire close female relationships.

 

Do your spouses have a best friend outside of you? As I have gotten older, I have seen men lose their friendships because their wives get jealous or don't think that men should have close relationships outside of the marriage. Even family relationships, such as brother, sister or cousin can be limited by the idea that husband/wife are the only friends that each other needs.

 

I have friends, my dh has friends. But we are married to each other.

 

[BlsdMama]

I was telling someone my password for an account, which answered the question: "Who is your best friend?"  The answer was my spouse's name.   :)  She was surprised, and thought it was so sweet!  It made me wonder, do most people view their marriage partner this way?  Can it still be close and special if you don't consider them your "best friend?"  Maybe they fall into different categories.  Anyway, it just got me thinking.  I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong;  I'm just wondering about other viewpoints.

If you asked me my bestie, I'd say a woman's name. :)  But am I closer to my spouse?  Absolutely x 1000.  He's just my other half, she's separate of me.  :P :D

[Lady Florida.]

 

 

Do your spouses have a best friend outside of you? 

 

Mine doesn't and he'd probably say (actually has said) that I'm his best friend. He never was a" hanging out with the guys" kind of man anyway. With the exception of one work friend (who he doesn't really see much anymore because they have different schedules now than they used to) his male friends are the husbands of my friends. And it's the same with those other husbands. Their friends are the husbands of their wives' friends. My women friends and I have discussed this and we think it's just that we married introverted geeks. :)

 

I didn't quote the rest of that paragraph because my dh's lack of male friends has nothing to do with me being jealous or not wanting him to have outside relationships. It's just how he is. 

Edited February 28, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 11, 2018 by _______