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Today dd and I went through the house and collected deserted water bottles. I let her pour the open ones down the bathtub. Many had rolled under my bed. We actually discussed getting a water cooler for our house, but don't know if we can do that through our local Sam's. It would probably save us space and plastic waste. Where we live the local water is gross and even putting a filter on the sink or using a brita pitcher or the like doesn't seem like it would be good enough. We once owned one but we didn't keep up with the pitcher. 

 

What contaminants are you concerned about when you say "gross"? Why do you think it would not be good enough?

We are very happy with our PUR faucet filter; it greatly improves the taste. Faucet filters are more effective than pitcher filters, not to mention you don't have to remember to fill them.

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Ok you have my issue, of letting perfect be the enemy of the good. You have to prioritize, and really what you do right now doesn't mean you have to do things that way forever.    So, my advice:  

OP, I am going to be very honest with you: it sounds like you and your husband are well on your way to being hoarders.   Hoarding is linked to anxiety, and your anxiety is coming through loud and cl

I'm remembering some past threads, and this thread also mentions how your husband treats you. Threatening to rip down curtains, and getting angry about shoes in the mudroom is a little over the top.

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<snip>

I tried to tell him gently, look, if you want me to keep up with your laundry then it would really help if you could eliminate the items you don't even wear. I know he's unsure of what pants to keep/get rid of, but at the very least let's cull the ties that are too short or too skinny. There are probably some college students that would love free ties. But like I said, I should try to focus on stuff that doesn't involve his input right now. 

 

 

<snip>

 

I'm just picking on this one little bit here.  I know this is a small thing in the big stuff of your life, but... my husband has a lot of clothing he doesn't wear.  Shirts and trousers in the closet, t-shirts and such in the dresser.  I don't like it because it takes up space, but... it doesn't affect my doing the laundry. They don't get dirty, I just ignore those things.  So things annoy me but they don't hinder me, kwim? 

 

And I think if I told my husband I was having trouble keeping up with the laundry because of the things he keeps that he doesn't wear, he would just look at me like I was crazy and wonder what the heck I was talking about. And if our relationship was already tense...

 

I think you are wise to leave his stuff alone for now.  Focus on your own.  Some people say that as one person declutters and streamlines, others in the household will follow. That has not been my experience at all, but I'm better able to ignore other peoples' stuff if my own is under better control.

 

:grouphug:  I'm not trying to be nasty or critical of you.  I think you are doing great. 

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He wears 3xlt. The clothes take up space and add weight to the hanging rod. He has dresser drawers with items he doesn’t wear that keeps them full (anyone want a Terminus BBQ shirt never been worn? He wouldn’t let me get rid of this gift that isn’t even his size). His top drawer is full of crap that isn’t even clothing. He shoved a whole jewelry box in there which you probably can’t open in the drawer. I think he has his teeth mold from the dentist still in there lol He said he needs to move things out.

 

The free standing wardrobe is a flimsy plastic thing we ordered on Amazon. I moved clothes I didn’t see him wearing into the built-in closet but that thing is full to the brim. A combination of our stuff. I have done weeding of mine but could do a little more.

 

On an average day his shirts are hung up (we hang dry them) on the arrows in the house or on a door or our office shelving unit (he pulled down almost every door hanger I had. You couldn’t properly close the doors and I don’t know what else his reasoning was). The arrow is an amazon item that extends from the wall. Once shirts are dry sometimes I just leave them there rather than add the weight to the flimsy free standing wardrobe. One of our arrows is in the kids’ room so clothes are literally in almost every room. Then he says where’s my stuff. Uh all over the house. I just want some order and I think weeding would help. Hope that made some sense.

 

—————————

 

Re: water

I don’t know what contaminants it has but sometimes it comes out brown a few seconds. I do recall a boil water alert when I was using baby bottles. I just don’t feel comfortable using it all the time. I will for some stuff.

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I am happy to report some progress in getting rid of books!  Our big elementary co-op had our annual curriculum sale this morning.  I didn't even try to tag things--I just put it all out as free.  I had one of those rolling bins plus 2 largish boxes of books, and a few random games and puzzles.  When I packed up stuff to go home, I was able to fit it all in the rolling bin, so yay! 

 

I might donate the remaining books to our library used book sale--it would be easier than driving 30 minutes south to the big used book store.

 

Also, I have a pickup scheduled (Lupus, I think) for Thursday morning, so I'll be able to put out several trash bags of clothes and toys that are currently cluttering up our garage.  Of course, we are theoretically supposed to also get a lot of snow tomorrow, so who knows if they will actually show up . . .  Still, it's progress!

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I am happy to report some progress in getting rid of books!  This morning our big elementary co-op had its annual used curriculum sale.  I didn't even bother tagging my stuff; I just put it all out for free.  I brought in one of those rolling bins, pus 2 largish boxes full of books, and a few random puzzles and games.  I was so happy when packing up to discover that everything left fit into the one rolling bin!

 

I think I might donate the other books to our library used book sale.  That would be easier that driving 30 minutes to the big used book store.  

 

Also, I have a charity pickup scheduled for Thursday morning (Lupus, I think), so that will get rid of several trash bags of toys and clothes cluttering up our garage.  Of course, we are also theoretically supposed to get a lot of snow tomorrow, so who knows if they will actually show up . . . But still, progress!

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Yay! You guys are doing better than me! Maybe I'll make progress over "The Great Blackout of 2018" LOL.

 

Tomorrow a woman is supposedly coming to town to buy my play enclosure and newborn to toddler rocker. She saw my post in a facebook group and has a mutual friend. She's buying for her daughter's child. I told her to let me know if she's interested in the changing table or baby carrier. Of course I significantly reduced the prices but I figure it's a win win. She gets something for a good deal and I get a little cash.

 

I ordered myself a used tall foldable ladder from Amazon with our cashback points. Dh was a bit befuddled by it, but he's okay now. In the past he's told me not to buy one, but I'm sick of not being able to reach certain things (Like curtain rods). I have my eyes set on a 2 lb lady's drill Lol but I'm not sure I will be getting that soon. I do hope in time I can handle some projects myself. I do have a few command hooks hanging up now.

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Ok I guess I can't do a sale tomorrow but that's because we're picking up my car from the auto shop!! So happy to be getting my car back. My inlaws are meeting us half way with my car since we dropped it off over spring break. If I have time I will gather up any other baby items I can think of and give them to the lady making the purchase as a freebie (baby beanie, slippers, stuff like that). 

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Dh has a drill here, but I liked the idea of having my own (and thus looked up the pink ones to tell them apart LOL). That's when I had found this one: https://www.amazon.com/Pink-Power-PP121LI-Cordless-Electric/dp/B01MYQ79A7/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521853989&sr=8-1&keywords=lady+drill You still think it's a bad idea? 

 

(the others have a battery pack or something below and adds more weight)

Edited by heartlikealion
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Dh has a drill here, but I liked the idea of having my own (and thus looked up the pink ones to tell them apart LOL). That's when I had found this one: https://www.amazon.com/Pink-Power-PP121LI-Cordless-Electric/dp/B01MYQ79A7/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521853989&sr=8-1&keywords=lady+drill You still think it's a bad idea?

 

(the others have a battery pack or something below and adds more weight)

Save your money and apply it to a quality drill. That one will not last at all and does not have the power you will want( even if you just use it for curtain rods). Buy a quality drill and some paint pens. Use the paint pens to mark your drill however you want so DH knows it is not his.

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Heartlikealion- do not get the lady’s drill. Spend the money on a good drill. Those lady drill are very weak and honestly not worth the money. You will be much happier in the long run with a quality drill.

This.

 

It can be Helpful to go to a Home Depot, Lowes, etc. and actually handle some drills to see what feels comfortable for your grip. DeWalt, Bosch, Porter-Cable are just a few of the mainstream manufacturers of portable power tools. It's nice to have variable speed, a good chuck and similar features. Btw, many hardware stores are competitively priced with the big box stores, because they order through cooperatives such as Ace, True Value, etc. A smaller store can often give you more personalized help than a big box store.

 

A decent tool will repay you many times over in ease of use and reliability.

 

I think it's a great idea for you to assemble your own toolkit!

 

ETA

Dewalts are bright yellow, so if your dh does not have one of those, it might be a choice....

Edited by Alessandra
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Dh has a drill here, but I liked the idea of having my own (and thus looked up the pink ones to tell them apart LOL). That's when I had found this one: https://www.amazon.com/Pink-Power-PP121LI-Cordless-Electric/dp/B01MYQ79A7/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521853989&sr=8-1&keywords=lady+drill You still think it's a bad idea?

 

(the others have a battery pack or something below and adds more weight)

You're wanting to declutter. Do you need your own drill? If your husband does not allow you to use his drill then you might be stuck. But otherwise, can you not just have one drill for the household?

 

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5000 using Tapatalk

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You're wanting to declutter. Do you need your own drill? If your husband does not allow you to use his drill then you might be stuck. But otherwise, can you not just have one drill for the household?

 

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5000 using Tapatalk

I know I posted about drills, but the above makes a very sensible point. I'm a tool junkie and didn't see the obvious, that is, use what you have. LOL. Edited by Alessandra
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You're wanting to declutter. Do you need your own drill? If your husband does not allow you to use his drill then you might be stuck. But otherwise, can you not just have one drill for the household?

 

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5000 using Tapatalk

I have my own pink drill. My dh’s drill is too heavy for me to use, my right hand is weak due to pregnancy induced carpel tunnel. Dh often grabs my drill because I keep it where it’s supposed to go and keep it charged.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes, technically I can use his stuff but then I have to deal with trying to figure out how he wants stuff put away (never looked that organized to me) and any other gripes that may come. I was given a lady tool kit before I met him. I had a pink hammer, measuring tape, etc. No power tools, though. And I’ve since bought my own glue gun because I prefer my own stuff and it was a pain to put his back. Mine just so happens to be pink. I store it in a plastic shoe box with spare glue. Mine has some hardened glue on it but oh well it’s mine. 

I started researching ways to mount our magazine racks to the walls but he said he has plans for it and will do it this week. His drill is heavy and uncomfortable for me to hold. 

During the “black out” we sold the car in our carport (was my grandmother’s but had some issues so I have not driven it since I got it here) and our coffee table and end tables. Since we bought a new car recently and my damaged one got out of the shop we have two functional cars now. 

We are taking the broken futon and mattress outside tonight. We ordered new furniture (36 month financing) that is being delivered tomorrow. The couple that bought the car are interested in the old furniture (maybe they can fix frame) so hopefully we won’t have to haul off. They already took our old broken box spring from our carport (no idea how they can use it). They are interested in the comforter set I am selling, too. They said to hold it til Friday. Their friend came and has a relative with twins that might want some of our other baby stuff we’re selling so I gave them pics. We’ll see. 

We got almost all the baby gates out. I have one left that has been claimed. Dh has me put one of our short step stools outside and we have to the couple. It’s just too bulky for us to store. Plus now I have the ladder stool and did has a smaller stool. 

I was soooo frustrated trying to locate my car title. Just reinforced how unorganized my home is. Dh purchased some program Quicken to help us organize spending. So far it’s a little confused. It’s not listing Sam’s Club gas as gas. 

We’re making progress. 

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Well that was stressful. I had to tidy up for the delivery guys. I didn't get my home in shape in time and I wasn't even sure if they delivered the right rug. Dh picked out something and we did the whole order via facetime but I don't remember what the rug was. I told the guys and I tried to contact dh, but he's in the middle of a dentist appt. I told him I'd wish he'd not schedule deliveries when he can't be here. I think he forgot about his dental appt. the day he bought the furniture. Deliveries give me so much anxiety. Last time it was because the bed frame was the wrong size and the guys (different guys) laughed at me and said it was normal when I said that didn't look right. Oh and they give you a window of when they will come... the guys came 15 min. BEFORE the window started. 

I tried to clip the cat's nails today because I'm worried she'll claw the new furniture. I might just keep her out of there for a while, though she hasn't done any damage and just sniffed the stuff. I wanted to wait til after we rehome her* to get furniture but our other couch wasn't really usable and dh said it was the last day of the really long interest-free financing. Apparently we got 45 months, not 36 like I thought. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to tip the guys or not and I basically begged dh to move the old furniture out before they arrived but he only got the futon out and not the frame. He said to ask them to do it and it shouldn't be a problem. I told him it might not be part of their job description. He said just ask. So I did and they told me they weren't supposed to but they didn't mind. I did find some cash and tipped them. 

We had a horrible storm last night so dh couldn't move anything out but before the storm I did manage to drag the red chair out to the carport. You know, the one in the mudroom photo. My car is parked under a tree and a bird's nest fell on it??? I noticed when I was taking out the baby swing. My friend thinks if I just take the swing apart I can shove it in the trash can. Anyway, so one of the movers was like, "did you know you have a bird's nest on your car"? LOL

*supposedly a student graduating in May is going to take our kitty

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  • 4 weeks later...

Ok the rug thing was sorted out. We're still making progress on the mudroom and house. Last night dd and I were being silly and I was allowing a little running in the house (bad idea). Then I wrapped it up and said, "come here" and she ran off again, slipped, and busted her jawline area on our metal bed frame. It was horrible. I didn't see it, but I heard it and when we found her we didn't even know she was bleeding at first. Then we saw the cut and deduced she must have slipped on an item on the floor (I hadn't washed some of the blankets at the foot of the bed and there was clothing by the side of the bed that didn't make it to the hamper). I felt SO guilty. We had a new first aid kit, but the wound looked open way too much. Dh did an excellent job with the butterfly band aids, etc. and we went to the children's hospital. In the end they were able to clean it off and just put a strip of glue (which was so smooth compared to the time she got glue at another hospital. Maybe because they had to pinch the skin last time and where it was located?). 

Anyway, all this has made me feel super bad about the state of my house and how it's affecting the family. Also, we've said no running in the house (which normally is the rule but sometimes I let it go). Wish me luck as I try to get this house under control. Also, this past week the two kids got diagnosed with strep and I've been extra lethargic. I did go to the doctor though and seem to be ok so I'll make sure I take my normal daily medicine on time (it can make me groggy). 

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I can somewhat relate to you.   When we moved into this house a little over 4 years ago, we had almost no storage furniture.  I lucked into over a dozen cheap, large wooden shelving units.   We put them all over the house, including the kitchen since we couldn't buy cabinets except for around the sink.  I was really sick when it came time to move.  Boxes were just shoved on shelves in random locations.   Since they were pretty packed it has been hard to put the boxes in some logical location.  Also, many things don't have a place, and there is nowhere to put stuff, so the house has been a mess.   I am sure people think that we never clean up for them.   But, what they see IS the cleaned-up version.  In my case, though, DH and I are on the same page about cleanliness and belongings.   

At the moment, we are installing IKEA kitchen cabinets.   This will free up several shelving units for the shed, and we can start moving some of our stuff out there.   I am giddy with happiness at the thought of getting the house under control and having stuff in a logical location.   For anything we don't use often, it has literally been a hunt throughout the house for the correct box.  DH said the other day that the house is starting to look like a house and not a warehouse.   DH is mentally incapable of closing cabinet doors, so experiencing that again is something I'm not looking forward to.  

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Anyway, all this has made me feel super bad about the state of my house and how it's affecting the family. Also, we've said no running in the house (which normally is the rule but sometimes I let it go). Wish me luck as I try to get this house under control. Also, this past week the two kids got diagnosed with strep and I've been extra lethargic. I did go to the doctor though and seem to be ok so I'll make sure I take my normal daily medicine on time (it can make me groggy). 

 

{{{}}} Glad the kid was ok in the end. Those things happen, even in clean houses. Running in the house is this weird forbidden fruit of fun, even though it usually ends in tears here; my bans have varied success. I do have a full ban on running with socks (we have tile), which seems to help at least a bit. 

I tried to catch up on the whole thread (may have missed stuff, though, sorry), so just general good luck and well wishes with everything. We had depression symptoms in the adults that were partially linked to the state of the house as well, it's difficult to work through, so good for you for tackling it. The one thing that helped my de-clutter process was involving kids where I could, and then corralling them when I couldn't. We took a couple of "home ec" weeks of school so I could focus full time on the house, and then did some bans on where people were allowed to go. It got to the point they were only allowed in the kitchen and bathroom, lol.  Getting stuff out is key (looks like you've figured this out). I put the bags of stuff leaving immediately into the car, then once it was full we'd take it to charity/wherever, that way there was less chance of a pile of bags sitting in the hallways for 2 months (again). 

Take it easier if you aren't feeling well, hope you don't come down with strep. Hang in there, you have started and it sounds like you are making progress!

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Glad to see this thread back.

 

We've all been sick, so not much progress here. I was able to get rid of a few bags of clothes during the great board blackout.

Hoping to do a lot more as I get my energy back.

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Thanks, ladies. I hope your family is feeling better soon, maize. 

The other night dh made cornbread with a non stick pan but used a knife to cut stuff out. It drives me bonkers when he uses metal on non stick. I looked at the dirty pan, looked at what appears to be scratches in the pan and tossed it in the trash. I have a glass bread pan I usually use. I'm honestly not a huge fan of non stick for this very reason. I do own a lot of silicon utensils now, but dh doesn't always use them. 

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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The other night dh made cornbread with a non stick pan but used a knife to cut stuff out. It drives me bonkers when he uses metal on non stick. I looked at the dirty pan, looked at what appears to be scratches in the pan and tossed it in the trash. I have a glass bread pan I usually use. I'm honestly not a huge fan of non stick for this very reason. I do own a lot of silicon utensils now, but dh doesn't always use them. 

You could still use it with baking parchment.

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Ah. I hadn't thought of that. I do something like that with the bad muffin tins. I use the cupcake liners. But I just really hate cooking with the stuff like that. I always wonder if it's leaching into the food because of the heat, regardless of the paper. 

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I"m glad this thread popped up again.  I have two more weeks of class and then I'm going to do a massive cleaning/organizing/declutter.  I'll have until September to get it all done and this time IT WILL HAPPEN.  I've had plans to do it before in a week or two weeks I had available but this is the first time I have months.  That should help, right?  My house has deteriorated pretty bad in the past few months since I'm out of the house a lot and I've been prioritizing clean clothes, clean dishes and the kid's school.

I don't know if the lady's tools has been resolved but I have a light-weight drill that I use for hanging pictures and similar items, putting together furniture, etc.  Dh has an extremely heavy, probably an antique, drill with a key thing to remove bits, and a cord.  I don't like it at all, its confusing and powerful and heavy.  I have a Craftsman, it's pink, and it's much easier to use.  I don't think it would be great for building things from scratch but I mostly use it as a screwdriver.

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On 5/1/2018 at 8:48 PM, heartlikealion said:

Thanks, ladies. I hope your family is feeling better soon, maize. 

The other night dh made cornbread with a non stick pan but used a knife to cut stuff out. It drives me bonkers when he uses metal on non stick. I looked at the dirty pan, looked at what appears to be scratches in the pan and tossed it in the trash. I have a glass bread pan I usually use. I'm honestly not a huge fan of non stick for this very reason. I do own a lot of silicon utensils now, but dh doesn't always use them. 

 

Since you are trying to get rid of stuff anyway, this seems like a good way.   DH can't give you grief since it was HIM that ruined it.  

I have this appliance I love.  It cooks tortillas.   It squishes AND cooks.   DH is not allowed to use it after I saw him going after the delicate extremely flat surface with a butter knife.  Pre-marriage, the second time I caught DH using my expensive, finely engineered thread scissors on his pinkie toenail, I told him that he isn't allowed to use my thread scissors even if doing so would save his toe.   In the moment, I meant it.  So, he knows I'm not rational about some things and goes along.  

 

 

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On 5/1/2018 at 6:59 PM, heartlikealion said:

Ah. I hadn't thought of that. I do something like that with the bad muffin tins. I use the cupcake liners. But I just really hate cooking with the stuff like that. I always wonder if it's leaching into the food because of the heat, regardless of the paper. 

I feel much the same way. My non-stick pans have all been discarded.

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On 5/2/2018 at 7:00 AM, Where's Toto? said:

I"m glad this thread popped up again.  I have two more weeks of class and then I'm going to do a massive cleaning/organizing/declutter.  I'll have until September to get it all done and this time IT WILL HAPPEN.  I've had plans to do it before in a week or two weeks I had available but this is the first time I have months.  That should help, right?  My house has deteriorated pretty bad in the past few months since I'm out of the house a lot and I've been prioritizing clean clothes, clean dishes and the kid's school.

I don't know if the lady's tools has been resolved but I have a light-weight drill that I use for hanging pictures and similar items, putting together furniture, etc.  Dh has an extremely heavy, probably an antique, drill with a key thing to remove bits, and a cord.  I don't like it at all, its confusing and powerful and heavy.  I have a Craftsman, it's pink, and it's much easier to use.  I don't think it would be great for building things from scratch but I mostly use it as a screwdriver.

Yay for massive cleaning. I didn't buy a drill, but I really need to figure out how to use dh's... mainly, where are the bits and what size do I need? Because I brought home locks weeks ago and coudln't get him to install them on the doors. I'm so over dd opening the bathroom door on me. All our tools are disorganized.

Today I took a car seat to Target for trade in. That was the last car seat I had sitting around the house. I wish I had hung onto one more a bit longer (it was tossed a few weeks ago) just because of the coupon. I purchased two new car seats so we'll have them for dh's car, but I'm seriously considering new ones for my car as well ever since the car seats went into the "are they/aren't they compromised?" pile. I am not really worried about buying a new booster right now, we could easily move that one between cars if we had to. I ordered dd an Extend2Fit today for $123 after sale/coupon/taxes and once I install it, I will probably want to keep it in the same car. I am considering taking her current one in for trade in.

We have a bag of toys that dh piled up with the kids last weekend, but dd has already taken things out of it. I totally agree, once it's bagged up it really needs to make it to the car! I plan to get rid of that bag this weekend.

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We are still going back and forth about what to do next year, but keeping them both home seems to be too much.  It's just not working out. Ds and dd play and fight and at times fight for my attention at the same time, etc. I feel like I can't give either child the attention they need. Ds gets distracted very easily. I have sent him to do school down the street sometimes. He is constantly losing things, too. I have a place for his pencils, but he loses those on the regular. He currently cannot locate his folder with his math which I handed him the other day. I'm still working on cleaning the house. Today I dropped off items to an animal rescue group that were in my home. 

We are considering sending dd to the private school preK program. I would hate to do that drive again, but it might be easier to drop her off and then spend one-on-one time with ds, than to drop off ds and spend one-on-one time with her. She would get to be around other kids and have a more structured day. I'm just not good at offering structure, but with ds I think we'd have a much better shot at maintaining structure. Tuition did go up a bit since we last used the school, but we might ask our parents if they are willing to chip in. I have thought of other solutions as well, but none are great. I am still mulling this over. 

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4 hours ago, maize said:

If you send your dd to preschool is there a chance you could arrange a carpool?

Unfortunately no one I know shares the same views on car seat safety that I do, so I don't think so. When ds went to the school I opted out of the van pick up (which you pay a fee to use) because of safety concerns. They later offered a yellow school bus option for older kids and I told dh that if ds did go to the school I would be willing to let him ride the yellow school bus as he's old enough to know to sit properly and those are intended to be used without seat belts. However, with dd being 3 and still rear facing as much as possible (so far 100% of the time, but I just bought a FF seat for my MIL's car to use on the rare occasion when we visit) I cannot see any way to have her transported safely by others. The issue with the van is that they categorize it as a bus and don't require seat belts. Parents seem lax about it around here and initially the van was so overcrowded no one could really use the seatbelts even if they wanted it sounded like. A fire fighter/car seat tech I spoke to about the issue when ds went to the school told me those vehicles are known for flipping so I was like heck no. I'm getting my car seat tech certification this month and will ask more questions about these types of things, but as of now I feel like there's really no way around the transportation stuff. 

Honestly my biggest obstacle right now is the potty training. If anything dd has regressed. She gets mad when I take her to the potty usually, but asking her doesn't work because she still sometimes lies/goes in her pull up.

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I had a not fully potty trained four year old in preschool at one point. He had accidents left and right at home but not at school--even preschoolers can modify their behavior based on perceived social pressure.

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1 hour ago, maize said:

I had a not fully potty trained four year old in preschool at one point. He had accidents left and right at home but not at school--even preschoolers can modify their behavior based on perceived social pressure.

So he was just fine at school? Hmm. 

 

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2 hours ago, Danae said:

 

Call the school, tell them you are considering enrolling, and ask for a visit. It is a perfectly normal request, nothing strange about it.

Yes, I'd call ahead, but I mean is it strange since my son already went there? lol. But he went as a 3rd grader, not a preK 3 student. 

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We toured the school, I left an update in another thread too. We are still up in the air on what to do. Dh originally said maybe we could get some financial assistance from family, but now it saying we can't afford it and I need to just occupy dd and he could come home on his lunch break and distract her and then get her to nap. Okay first of all, that is wishful thinking. He isn't always available for one. For another I really want an environment where ds and I are in a separate location to do school (like away from all the distractions. In a library or at least an empty house, no toddler and dh down the hall). We've seen over and over how distracting it is to be home and try to isolate yourself to get anything done here. 

I messaged a woman that watches children in her home to ask if she could give me some rates. I suggested to dh maybe we could afford that, like a few hours a day or a few times a week. A huge difference in driving to another town for preK, but he says again, he doesn't think we can afford that. Why does he do this to me? Let me go crazy researching options only to say, "we can't afford that. You just need to deal with dd." 

I'm not cut out of this. I've told him before. And if I did get a job, I'd have to send both kids somewhere. So I don't feel like there's any winning here. 

My family is driving me bonkers. 

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Do you have full access to the finances? Can you run the budget and see what what you think you can afford?

Can you also brainstorm for yourself ways to provide some rhythm to your days?

 

And if you're not willing to keep both of them at home full time, then you need to be firm about that. Figure out what you're willing to do within the constraints of what must happen, and stick to it.

There's a lot in this thread about, "I want... But husband said no..." It seems to be happening about education choices, spending, decluttering... Do you feel that you have an equal say in family choices?

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5 hours ago, Kiara.I said:

Do you have full access to the finances? Can you run the budget and see what what you think you can afford?

Can you also brainstorm for yourself ways to provide some rhythm to your days?

 

And if you're not willing to keep both of them at home full time, then you need to be firm about that. Figure out what you're willing to do within the constraints of what must happen, and stick to it.

There's a lot in this thread about, "I want... But husband said no..." It seems to be happening about education choices, spending, decluttering... Do you feel that you have an equal say in family choices?

I think in different ways we have both been inflexible. But I definitely feel like we’re not having an equal say on certain things. For example I’ve discussed moving many times. He responds that we can’t afford it so if I really want to move the onus is on *me* to find a job paying at least 27k. That seems very difficult for me. But staying at home he tells me not to leave town often because of gas and wear & tear on the car etc. In response I feel resentful because I am bored here and stir crazy with two kids and no adults to interact with. I asked why he didn’t try to get a transfer to another campus but he says he gets along with his staff here better and housing is not affordable there (which is true but at least they have decent school districts and I wouldn’t have to drive so far to shop or socialize. Here we have campus housing. The other campuses do not). Right now I’m working on ideas to help make things work without me working FT. I tutored once a week this sem so I think I will be able to again in the fall. I really want to tutor ESL students through a program through a church but the tutoring starts around 3pm on weekdays so I’d need to figure out if dd would be able to stay til 5 at that lady’s home once a week and I could grocery shop afterwards to combine trips. But that’s not ideal to dh because gas, wear & tear on car and “you still have to leave town another day for church.” If it was up to him I’d only leave town once a week — church & grocery shop. Ugh. That is no life for me... plus many places are closed on Sundays and homeschoolers we know get together on weekdays. 

Between the study hall & working with the ESL students I could maybe afford the daycare mostly on my own. Then dh couldn’t really complain about the cost of it. 

I don’t know what the file is called but we have made a spreadsheet with our finances. We need to adjust it. Plus dh said he just got a cost of living raise (like just the other day) so it may not be so bad. We did recently get a new car and I believe the payments are slightly higher than old car payment we paid off. Can’t remember. So definitely need to look at it again. He gets super defensive if I make suggestions where to cut spending. He could say we’re broke don’t buy more than $20 and then in the next breath say while you’re out pick me up Taco Bell or a pack of beer. So we have very different ideas of what broke means and I can’t take him seriously.

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Yup I need to brainstorm ideas on schedule. I need to be more strict with bedtime for starters. If dd went to daycare I think I’d make ds join me in dh’s library in the morning after we dropped dd off. He enjoys working in the library — less distractions. Forces us to get dressed earlier too instead of bad habit of wearing pjs. 

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Heartlikealion, if you are not happy as a stay at home mom (and you really don't sound happy, with any of it) do you think you might like having a full time job if you could find something decent?

I'm thinking you might benefit from less financial dependence on your dh, more adult interactions, funds to send the kids to whatever school you want...

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18 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I think in different ways we have both been inflexible. But I definitely feel like we’re not having an equal say on certain things. For example I’ve discussed moving many times. He responds that we can’t afford it so if I really want to move the onus is on *me* to find a job paying at least 27k. That seems very difficult for me. But staying at home he tells me not to leave town often because of gas and wear & tear on the car etc. In response I feel resentful because I am bored here and stir crazy with two kids and no adults to interact with. I asked why he didn’t try to get a transfer to another campus but he says he gets along with his staff here better and housing is not affordable there (which is true but at least they have decent school districts and I wouldn’t have to drive so far to shop or socialize. Here we have campus housing. The other campuses do not). Right now I’m working on ideas to help make things work without me working FT. I tutored once a week this sem so I think I will be able to again in the fall. I really want to tutor ESL students through a program through a church but the tutoring starts around 3pm on weekdays so I’d need to figure out if dd would be able to stay til 5 at that lady’s home once a week and I could grocery shop afterwards to combine trips. But that’s not ideal to dh because gas, wear & tear on car and “you still have to leave town another day for church.” If it was up to him I’d only leave town once a week — church & grocery shop. Ugh. That is no life for me... plus many places are closed on Sundays and homeschoolers we know get together on weekdays. ...

I don’t know what the file is called but we have made a spreadsheet with our finances. We need to adjust it. Plus dh said he just got a cost of living raise (like just the other day) so it may not be so bad. We did recently get a new car and I believe the payments are slightly higher than old car payment we paid off. Can’t remember. So definitely need to look at it again. He gets super defensive if I make suggestions where to cut spending. He could say we’re broke don’t buy more than $20 and then in the next breath say while you’re out pick me up Taco Bell or a pack of beer. So we have very different ideas of what broke means and I can’t take him seriously.

The bolded sounds concerning to me. You need to sit down with your finances and make a budget together. If you cannot fully agree on the details, each of you needs to get a certain amount to spend however you wish - he can buy his beer, you can buy gas to go into town more often.

You need to have a full picture of the financial facts and equal say in the decision making as far as finances are concerned (not his job, though; I don't think a spouse can decide that a person needs to switch jobs). Just because he is the one earning the income does not make him the lord over the money; after all, you are staying home to raise his children. 

How often do you sit down and talk?

 

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We don't have much quality talking at all. We haven't even been doing our homework for Retrouvaille (requires two people and you discuss it). Tomorrow night would be the first time he's not working during a post Retrovaille web session but we'll be traveling so I don't know if we'll be able to do it. I will pack the laptop just in case. Last night he shot down the lady's in-home daycare idea. The reasons were things we've discussed in the past, but I discussed it with him recently and he didn't immediately say, "no, I'm not okay with that place." He just clams up and keeps thoughts to himself for a while. Last night he said, "maybe we need to just send both kids to the private school." I said, "you mean the one that you're saying we can't really afford? Why would you send both? Because the second child gets a discount??" Today he told me he doesn't want to settle this right now and I told him that we do need to come up with a solution soon because if they go to the private school our tuition payments need to start this summer. There's a 10 month plan and 12 month plan but either way the payments start in either June or July. The private school did not give me an answer on preK half day prices yet. I called today and no one answered. I must have just missed them or they were not in the office. If ds went there then it would not make sense for dd to do half day because of the transportation thing.

Dh has encouraged me to take on some type of assistant or secretarial type role at his college (sometimes they come open), but I have declined in the past due to uncertainty with what would happen to the kids plus my personality. I know I can't be too picky where we live... so few job choices. I just kinda wanted to distance myself from a FT job at the same place as him. I once worked on campus in the textbook store. I was only available a few hours around his work schedule. I came home and he told me a student commented that I looked frazzled. I was like really? I just don't want to be under a microscope. Add to that the fact that one of his colleagues tried to kiss him and another (both female) used to be his workout buddy which really bothered me and it sounds like I'd be working with one of them. Not ideal to me but maybe I just need to get over it? 

Since we have lived here, I have worked at a local newspaper, the book store, and now as a tutor in the college study hall. It's not as if I haven't tried to make things work. Everything I have done was around his work hours. None of the jobs had long term openings partly due to my availability and partly due to their needs (the book store only needed extra help at beginning/end of semesters). 

Ds and I aren't morning people and were always rushing to school when he was enrolled and then rushing to Sunday school this year. Sunday school wasn't even THAT early and he made me late to my own class before. I asked dh how the kids would get to private school without making us late to our own jobs and he said that if I was an assistant I'd need to be there at 8 so I could do it (well that's cutting it pretty close. The earliest you can drop the kids off at the private school is 7:30 and my house/campus is 20 min. away. Get behind a tractor on that two lane road and ugh). 

I just don't know what is best. Today I called the local school district to follow up on dd's speech therapy options. They said they are in the middle of consolidating the schools and have no idea how things will be handled with speech next year. They said possibly I would take her to the Head Start location. The private school has the speech there, but she was unable to tell me if it would take place before or after noon (which would matter if dd did part time). They told me to just call back around July and hopefully they would have more info. While she was on the phone I asked if they knew what substitute teachers would make as I was considering my job options (as a side note, I already got fingerprinted for this school district when I had intentions of volunteering). They told me $8.25/hr. I'm like seriously... how am I ever supposed to make any money without moving?? 

WWYD?

 

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My suggestion is, you figure out what is best and make it happen. Your husband is not really giving you any input and acts like he does not care, so just make a decision about school/day care and let him know what you are going to do.

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1 hour ago, freesia said:

Can't he drop the kids off if you would need to get to work early ?

He has to be at work earlier than 8 on the morning shift days (7:30 which is most weekdays). And the year that ds was enrolled in the private school dh said he'd help with transportation but I could probably count on my fingers the number of times he actually did any driving. At that time he worked at noon two times a week, but he rarely drove ds to school. He may have had valid reasons sometimes (like a meeting) but other times I think he just shirked it off as my responsibility which was somewhat understandable but not what we had agreed upon. I left the school in tears the first day I dropped ds off when I realized that their transportation was not going to work for our family and I was sentencing myself to driving to the school daily. I've discussed it before but basically their transportation was not suitable due to overcrowding and lack of seatbelt use. They later started offering a yellow school bus and I'd be willing to let ds ride that, but not dd. She'll stay in a car seat so I'd definitely end up driving them again.

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His co-workers that he's not willing to leave for an available, better community for his wife and kids, include a female workout buddy and another female who felt like she could get close enough to try to kiss him.

He won't make changes or let you make changes. He sabotages your efforts at homemaking and frugality and is selfish. 

He would like for you to hardly leave the house and begrudges you gas money and wear and tear on the car.

He never has time for the marriage counseling homework.

In the meantime, over the last year (?) on these boards, we've watched you gain a lot of clarity about your own needs and your children's needs. You've grown a lot. Your goals and plans are clearer, and you are more realistic about your capabilities, strengths, weaknesses...

I know you went to marriage counseling. But would you consider individual counseling? If I were in your shoes, I would want to start working on a few questions:

1. What exactly am I getting out of this relationship?

2. How can I keep growing and thriving, as all people need to do? Can I do that with him?

3. How can my children and I get what we need, because our needs are not unreasonable or atypical?

 

 

 

 

 

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I agree with Tibbie. Your husband isn’t going to change - he has no reason to do so. Apparently, his wife and kids aren’t enough of a reason to man up and do what needs to be done to meet everyone’s needs and desires. I’m very sorry.  ? 

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I did think about returning to individual counseling. I found a person that sees clients on weekends but she did not tell me til the last min to use another door and I stood outside the building like an idiot trying to knock. I left my cell at home but tried to reach her via dh’s (he was dropping me off that day) and we did not have her direct number. I gave up on her and it’s back to the drawing board. Finding a counselor that has hours to see me. As it is, dh has to leave work early the days I go to my psychiatrist for medication management as most places close at 5 or so. I haven’t been looking hard as we’ve used up all our flex spending plan this year and have doctor bills to pay off. I did look into a therapist recommended to me but they zone them if they are through the health Dept. She was not in my region. 

The last person I saw for individual counseling came across as rich & privileged. All she would say is yeah investigate your options (regarding trying to move to the city). We already toured apartments when we first moved her. They were tiny & expensive. We currently live in a house but I would be ok with some changes to accommodate day to day life (like apartment living isn’t off the table for me). 

Thank you. I do think I’m growing as a person. To be fair, dh is supportive of using the car sometimes for fun things—- he sometimes meets up with a buddy. So when I had planned a moms’ night he was supportive but then the kids got strep and I canceled in case I had it. I tested negative. I think dh and I have different priorities. I bookmarked a free sewing class at a library and told him I want to go. I don’t think it will interfere with his work. I am trying to grow as a person and do more without relying on him. 

The tutoring may continue next semester but study hall doesn’t meet in summer. 

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