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s/o Emotional little boys ... I need advice


Entropymama
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Sorry for the length!  

 

My son, who is 7, has a great deal of trouble with impulse control and emotional regulation. Part of this may be because he was born 5 weeks early. At the time we were told that preemies often struggle this way, but of course there's no way of knowing for sure. He is a very sensitive, sweet child who loves to play with his little sister and is incredibly kind and generous. On the flip side, he feels very deeply when he has perceived he's done something wrong. He struggles mightily with his attitude and negativity. 

 

We recently pulled him out of school, in large part because, unlike last year, when he loved school and his teacher, he had started coming home last fall saying things like, "I'm stupid", "I'm the worst", etc. This became part of his everyday language about himself. Any small mistake on his part was the catalyst for running out of the room, falling on the floor and declaring that he was a horrible person. I have no way of knowing if this was precipitated by something in the classroom as we were not permitted to volunteer in the room, but I wanted him home so we could have more time and space to deal with these issues. 

 

To be clear: We already have a good sleep schedule. We limit his sugar intake. We try to get him to have physical exercise every day. We limit screen time to an hour per day. 

 

Here's an excerpt of this morning's school: 

 

Me: It's time to do school. Why don't you sit here and do this math worksheet while I work with your brother? When you're done you an play on the computer until it's your turn. 

 

Him: It's too hard, I'm stupid, I can't do this, I never had to do this in school. 

 

Me: Yes you can, you can do this! You are smart. If you sit down and work hard at it, it'll only take you ten minutes. 

 

Repeat for half an hour until he finally gets his work done. Imagine lots of rolling on the floor and putting his head on the table and dropping his pencil, etc. 

 

I finally get to work with his brother (who also has attitude issues, so that's also a struggle. Yay.)

 

Me: Okay, it's time to come work with me.

 

Him: No! I didn't even get to do my game! I only had a minute! (Tears and yelling and running out of the room and a giant fit follow)

 

As I work mightily to hold on to my patience, I finally coax him into coming to the couch and we start FLL. This goes reasonably well since it's a read aloud story and questions. Fine. We start WWE. 

 

Him: This is stupid. I hate this story. Why do I have to do this? etc., etc, also involving rolling on the floor. 

 

Me: You cannot behave this way. This is inappropriate. You must sit here on the couch and finish your school work. You are smart and big and you know how to act. 

 

Him: I'm the worst! Now I can't get ice cream with dad today! (This was their reward for the end of the week)

 

Me: Who says you can't go? 

 

Him: Because I'm bad! I'll never get to go now! I'm the worst! 

 

And on and on. 

 

This is just a snippet. It took us 2.5 hours today to do math, FLL and WWE and then I gave up and gave them the rest of the day off. I sent him upstairs while I tidied up and because I needed a break. A few minutes later he came back down, and when I told him to go back upstairs he burst into tears and said I was mean and never listened to him and ran off. 

 

I am exhausted. I am trying hard to be patient and encouraging. I know this is a transition and is going to take time, but I need some guidance on how best to handle this so we can move past it. He does not do well with discipline. Any time out, anything taken away and he melts into violent tears over what a bad kid he is. I have three other kids to homeschool and a toddler and we're not getting much done because of his behavior. 

 

It's constant and escalating and nothing I try seems to help. 

 

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Hugs. This is my 7 year old, too.

 

I know you have no time, but have you read The Explosive Child?

 

Trust when things make your son worst and don't do them, even when everyone else says that the reason he acts like he does is because you're not doing those things! It's hard to give up the things that society has conditioned us should work, even when they so clearly do not with these kids.

 

I'm not going to critique any of your interactions, because man, I would not have the courage to type out some of the fruitless and unproductive ways I've instinctively responded to my own kid. But I think the fact that you are noting these things and making connections between his difficult moments and what precedes them is going to help you a lot. I would note that being called smart, or being told what she should be able to do or feel or how she should be able to act, often escalate my own child's feelings of emotional helplessness. (And yes, I have a she, but given that I could really relate to these interactions and the results, I wanted to respond with, at the least, empathy and support.)

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At 7 I think he's not ready to do anything without you sitting there with him, doing it. So start with him, not the brother. Hand over stickers or mini chocolate chips for each problem when he completes it (right or wrong). Make sure he DOES get a REAL break between subjects. 

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I'll address two small parts: 

 

When my kids had a phase of saying they were stupid, or not smart enough to do something, I addressed it at other times, not during school. I tried to talk about working hard rather than being smart, and about how struggling to get something done did not mean you weren't smart. I also said, you know what? I don't like using the words dumb or smart to describe a person based on how easy schoolwork is for them, but in the end it doesn't matter. The work has to be done. Some people will do certain things quickly and easily, some people will take much longer and have to work harder. That's life. You still have to do the work. 

 

Then, when the drama was occurring during school, I tried to keep it to variances of, The longer it takes you to start, the longer it will take you to finish. And sometimes, It seems like you need a break. Do you want to go in my room for a while and then come back and do this? 

 

My room because it had no toys, lol. Sometimes they were too upset to get anything done without a break, but they knew the work had to be done either way. 

 

Second thing: never let a kid play on the computer until it's his turn! Or watch TV. Why yes, I'd be happy to turn off this screen and return to schoolwork, said no kid ever. 

 

Okay, I'm sure somebody is going to say they had the kid who would hop off of the screen with no problem and return to work, but I promise you it's rare. Even stuff like Legos or pretend play can be problematic. You want to have items available that are engaging and hopefully educational, but not engrossing or difficult to stop. Tangrams, geoboards, history coloring pages, flashcards. 

 

I would also consider working with one kid straight through, and then working with the second kid. Seat work doesn't take long at that age with mom at your elbow, and the other kid has a nice chunk of time to play. Or do simple chores, draw, read, listen to an audiobook. Then you can do projects and shared together. 

 

 

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My boy is/was like that.  He's turned 8 in January.  Even though he has a late birthday I kept him back a year in terms of registering him for homeschool, so this is his grade 1 year.

 

He's a late reader and is finally starting to take off but the biggest thing is his emotions and ability to regulate them.  He gets frustrated too easily, and I can't imagine him in ps.

 

What I can say is that he is getting better, it just takes looooong.  He can sit a bit more, describe his feelings a little better, and calm himself down and come back to a task.  I've seen this now with a number of boys (since I started looking) and I think it's not that unusual.  

 

The main things I've found: At this point we are doing the basics for "work".  Handwriting, reading, math, piano.  Everything else is, at least officially, fun.  I keep our lessons short.  Piano for example is only 15 min even when we think it might be ok to do more, he has a bad day and I realize that no, 15 is great.  And when he gets frustrated seriously, I et him go and tell him to come back when he is calm.  No tv or anything, but he usually comes back with about 10 min.  

 

It also helps for his dad, in particular, to occasionally remind him that he has a responsibility to do his work and if he doesn't, we will have to send him to school.  Not in a nasty way, but at times he forgets that school work is actually an obligation and not a terrible injustice I am perpetrating on him.  This doesn't work though if he is already frustrated.

 

I find I have to keep an eye on his emotions, since he can't easily describe them.  Like, right now he is stressed out about something so I am trying to make a little room for that.

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I would suggest thinking of changing your "script."

 

Saying things like: "This is new. You are learning. Learning means we might make mistakes and not do things completely "right" while we are learning. "

 

"This is practice. This is what we do after we learn something so we can (make sure we know it, get faster, not forget it, etc, whatever might apply).

 

And Then in your daily living...point out when you as mom are learning or practicing or when you have mastered something, (/like driving or a recipe or a sport) talk about how it was when you were learning or practicing).

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I'm not going to critique any of your interactions, because man, I would not have the courage to type out some of the fruitless and unproductive ways I've instinctively responded to my own kid. 

 

So embarrassingly true!  :lol:

 

OP, one particularly dreadful semester, I had to limit my kids to only talking about the assignment at hand (and complaining about it did not count). We talked about this beforehand. 

 

Let's get started with math now . . . 

 

I hate math! I'm not good at it, I can't - 

 

*putting a finger lips or shaking head* 

 

That's not school. Let's look at the assignment. 

 

I'm going to get it all wrong and then I won't get ice cream! Will I get ice cream if - 

 

That's not school. So, okay, this is about place value, let's read the directions. 

 

And so on. We didn't have to do this long, just long enough to break the pattern. I promise you that my kids had every opportunity to discuss things and express their feelings and even complain, but they were markedly less interested in doing so during their own free time, lol. 

 

I do think that working with one kid all the way through and then switching will save you a lot of grief, even with more than one other kid in the mix. Plus, you aren't tied to a typical school day. There's no reason you can't spent 20 minutes with him in the evening when dad is home (or heck, dad can do it, have an open-and-go curriculum if needed). 

 

What are the ages of the other kids? Are any subjects combined? 

Edited by katilac
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Is this only a problem involving schoolwork? Or is he misbehaving at other times as well? If this is just a school related thing then I would put it all away for awhile. Do fun educational stuff: read, play games, let him do educational stuff on the computer and watch educational shows like Magic Schoolbus etc. Then I would slowly get back to formal schoolwork and I would try to find curriculum that matches his learning style. I would also start out below his challenge level. Let him work at a level that is easy for him but not so easy that he is bored by it. 

 

I would stop telling him that he is smart. Praise him for things like working hard, following directions, doing a good job etc. Do not punish or correct him for his bad attitude. If he is upset about something empathise with him like "yes I know it seems like you only got one minute on the computer and you are unhappy about having to stop now and work with me." "Yes, I understand that you think this story is stupid and you hate it. You have to do this because it is my job as a parent to teach you. If you can't sit here and work with me then we are going to take a break until you can." I would also ask him why he hates it. And  would try to find curriculum that is a good fit for him. 

 

Susan in TX

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:grouphug: Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself AND your DC time to transition -- just last fall DS was in a formal school setting, and it usually takes a good 3-6 months to transition.

 

Also, it's can be so hard for some kids, to transition into formal schoolwork, from the large amounts of play-based school of pre-school, kinder, and even 1st grade. When we started homeschooling (DSs were grades 1 and 2, and the younger DS had a LDs in reading, writing, handwriting, spelling and math), I had to keep the formal work SUPER short -- like, 10-15 minute "bites" and then do something non-worksheet-y, or have DSs run to the corner and back, or do a "bite" of read aloud, or some hands-on activity. So at age 7, math might take 2-3 short "bites" throughout the morning, so that it never felt like an overwhelming amount -- 15 min. for the first exposure/lesson; 10-15 min. later on to finish up on exercises for that day (and "looping" any remaining part of the lesson to the next day); and then 5 min. later on for Math Fact practice.

 

I agree with all of katilac's post (and the GREAT thoughts from the other previous posters! :) ), but esp. about the computer or tv and ability for kids (of any age) to just switch it off. ;)

 

However, if you need to use that as a way of having 1-on-1 time with the sibling, then you HAVE to set it up on a schedule that the child can RELY on, because letting them on at their choosing, and calling them the way at your convenience is only a set up for melt-down. (Speaking from hard experience here. ;) )

 

With our 2 DSs, our first year of homeschooling was with grades 1 and 2, so everyone needed mom for everything. I DID use the computer as a way of getting 1-on-1 time, but in a very controlled way:

- 30 minutes, with the timer to keep track and to "be the bad guy" that time was up

- only picking from the stack of educational computer games/software that I rotated to keep them "fresh"

- only at the scheduled time that was our predictable routine

- never cutting their turn short, even if *I* was ready/available to work

 

I should also mention that we were quite restrictive about computer/screen use when DSs were young. Up until DSs were about 10, they each only got a 1-hour turn for computer games on Sat. and on Sun. And that was it. During the week, in the afternoons well after school was done, they could each have 1 hour of TV, from library movies, PBS kids shows, documentaries, etc. So having that extra educational computer turn during the school day was a real incentive for them, and because we didn't do much computer gaming outside of that, it was very important to me to stick to the rules, too, and give them the allotted time. It made it easier for everyone having clear boundaries.

 

What worked best for us was for me to schedule an hour in the late morning for the 1-on-1 time/educational computer turn, and we alternated days, so MW DS#1 had the first 30-min. computer turn while DS#2 had the first 1-on-1 time, and TTH DS#2 had the first 30-min. computer turn while DS#1 had the first 1-on-1 time. On Fridays we had homeschool group and did a lot of educational board games/activities and our longer science/art projects, so we didn't need 1-on-1 time and the computer.

 

BEST of luck as you all slowly transition from the brick-and-mortar school, as well as finding your way into how homeschooling works best for YOUR family. :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited by Lori D.
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My kid with the CAN'T-DO attitude needed to go first.  With me sitting right next to him.   And I didn't start homeschooling him until 5th grade, so it was years of sitting next to a kid getting him over the anxiety of potential failure.

 

And it got better.  It really did.  I would lay out what needed to be completed for the day and once he got through it, he knew he was done.  No extras and no gotchas.  The planner saved our relationship - I would write it all out on Sunday while he sat with me.  I would put in all the known interruptions like classes and appointments so he could see those.  I even wrote in breaks for a while.

 

Have patience.  

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Love the control over the schedule idea of Texasmom33, and sitting next to the kid/written schedule idea from AK_Mom4 -- we used those ideas too, and that did help.

 

I also just remembered a cool idea that a fellow homeschooler shared with me that she did with her really emotional elementary-aged boys that really helped improve attitudes, and that was to drop one subject a day. On slips of paper, she wrote out each subject that were the ones DSs really struggled with or disliked, so: Math, Spelling, Grammar, Phonics, Handwriting/Copywork, Writing... etc. She folded each slip and put them in a jar, and the boys alternated days of one boy pulling a slip from the jar, and that was the subject they skipped that day. They put that slip of paper in the "discard" jar, and kept going until every slip had been pulled out and that subject dropped from the schedule, and after the 5-8 days it took to cycle through the slips of paper, every subject was dropped once, and they started over again. In the grand scheme of things, dropping math once every 5-8 days is really not that big a deal. If you feel anxious about the idea of dropping, you can add 2-3 weeks to the length of your school year to make up for it. ;)

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First, thanks to everyone for the replies. They have given me some good stuff to think on. 

 

To clarify, though my example was about school today, this really isn't a school issue. He is well able to complete the work when his emotions are under control and actually enjoys much of it. It's a difficulty with processing emotions issue. For example, 15 minutes ago I was on the phone and he tried to come talk to me. I said, "Please wait until I'm off the phone to talk to me." This resulted in his pounding his fists on the table and running off crying. 

 

Just a note - we don't normally allow computer time during school. And after today it clearly won't happen again. Also, my kids are 16, 14, 12, 9, 7, and 3 and we've been homeschooling for 10 years. Which is not to say that I don't value ideas on how to make the day run! But to say that 'first steps' kinds of ideas have probably already been tried. I'm looking for insight into how to help him process these emotions and whether or not this kind of behavior is normal or I should consult a pediatrician or counselor.  None of my older kids dealt with this type of thing, so it's thrown me a bit. 

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However, if you need to use that as a way of having 1-on-1 time with the sibling, then you HAVE to set it up on a schedule that the child can RELY on, because letting them on at their choosing, and calling them the way at your convenience is only a set up for melt-down. (Speaking from hard experience here. ;) )

 

 

This is really good advice, even if I'm maybe not taking it the way you meant, exactly. I used to reward my kids by letting them set the schedule or pick what we did next. I think for him that's a terrible idea and increases his anxiety and melt downs. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I think he needs a schedule on the board that doesn't change. 

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At 7 I think he's not ready to do anything without you sitting there with him, doing it. So start with him, not the brother. Hand over stickers or mini chocolate chips for each problem when he completes it (right or wrong). Make sure he DOES get a REAL break between subjects. 

My son is 10 and I can't make any math progress unless I'm at his elbow. Maybe once a week he can do something without me going "Oh, let's look at the next problem." But most days, I'm right there nudging him through his pages.

 

It's okay!

 

I agree with reading "The Explosive child." It will help you.

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Is this only a problem involving schoolwork? Or is he misbehaving at other times as well? If this is just a school related thing then I would put it all away for awhile. Do fun educational stuff: read, play games, let him do educational stuff on the computer and watch educational shows like Magic Schoolbus etc. Then I would slowly get back to formal schoolwork and I would try to find curriculum that matches his learning style. I would also start out below his challenge level. Let him work at a level that is easy for him but not so easy that he is bored by it. 

 

I would stop telling him that he is smart. Praise him for things like working hard, following directions, doing a good job etc. Do not punish or correct him for his bad attitude. If he is upset about something empathise with him like "yes I know it seems like you only got one minute on the computer and you are unhappy about having to stop now and work with me." "Yes, I understand that you think this story is stupid and you hate it. You have to do this because it is my job as a parent to teach you. If you can't sit here and work with me then we are going to take a break until you can." I would also ask him why he hates it. And  would try to find curriculum that is a good fit for him. 

 

Susan in TX

 

 

Figure out some pat responses for his comments.

 

Him: "I'm stupid."

 

Mom:"Oh that's ridiculous. I know you can do this. I'll sit with you and walk you through the problems."

 

 

Him: "I can't. It's too hard."

 

Mom: I bet there are one or two problems on the page that are easy. Look through it and see if you can spot them and do them

 

 

Him: I hate this.

 

Mom: I know. It would be more fun to play all day. But lets' spend 20 minutes on this. You set the timer and then we'll do it together. The minute the timer beeps we'll stop.

 

 

 

Him: I hate this.

 

Mom: Would it help if I put a raisin or a nut on each problem? You can eat one every time you get the problem finished.

 

 

Him: This is so boring.

 

Mom: Would it help if we did the problems on the marker board? I'll write them down in green and you pick a color to write your answers with. (for some reason, dry erase is much more palatable than pencils. Go figure)

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First, thanks to everyone for the replies. They have given me some good stuff to think on. 

 

To clarify, though my example was about school today, this really isn't a school issue...

... Also, my kids are 16, 14, 12, 9, 7, and 3 and we've been homeschooling for 10 years. Which is not to say that I don't value ideas on how to make the day run! But to say that 'first steps' kinds of ideas have probably already been tried...

 

Thanks for clarifying. :) All we had to go on was the info in the original post, which mentioned pulling the 7yo out of school, and 1 brother who also needed 1-on-1, and the specific schooling interaction. Did not realize your full backstory, so disregard the new to homeschooling thoughts. ;)

 

 

... this really isn't a school issue. He is well able to complete the work when his emotions are under control and actually enjoys much of it. It's a difficulty with processing emotions issue. For example, 15 minutes ago I was on the phone and he tried to come talk to me. I said, "Please wait until I'm off the phone to talk to me." This resulted in his pounding his fists on the table and running off crying. 

 

... I'm looking for insight into how to help him process these emotions and whether or not this kind of behavior is normal or I should consult a pediatrician or counselor.  None of my older kids dealt with this type of thing, so it's thrown me a bit. 

 

It does sound like something is going on, and it certainly wouldn't hurt to bring it up with the pediatrician, if your doctor is one who is knowledgeable about a broader area than just the usual keeping kids up to date on vaccines, and the usual minor childhood ailments.

 

If the emotional fragility is new, then it can be a reaction to recent change in life circumstances: his transition from school, or a change in family dynamics that has reduced his 1-on-1 time with mom/dad or with a sibling for example. Seeing how he does with a little more emotional support through regular special time with mom/dad might be all he needs, if that is the case.

 

It could be a developmental stage -- a lot of physical growing and changing within him, leaving him very little ability to cope with emotions and impulses at the moment. Or, he may need some explicit strategies for coping with difficulties (for example, the What to Do When You... series might help -- books on anxiety/worry; perfectionism; anger/explosiveness; grumbling/negativity; OCD/brain gets stuck; envy/"it's not fair")

 

It could be a physical cause: the new development of a food intolerance (which often has emotions as a symptom) -- gluten, wheat, corn, and dairy are the big ones that can trigger physical intolerances that manifest in the emotions and the ability to focus. Also consider removing all artificial dyes and preservatives and see if that helps.

 

Another possible physical cause of emotionalness is sleep deprivation -- is his room too light at night? He might have enough bedtime hours, but not really getting the deep sleep he needs due to the room not being dark enough, or his sleep cycle being disrupted. Ideas to try there would be blackout curtains, a white noise generator, or even taking melatonin to aid with proper sleep. DS#1 here was an emotional mess for a short while until we figured out he was getting too much light in his room at night from a new night light, and not getting the deep, restful sleep to allow him to cope with life the next day.

 

Another physical trigger of emotional change is residual strep infection (PANDAS). Usually that triggers tics and OCD-like symptoms, but could also result in emotional mood swings, irritability or anxiety, and separation anxieties.

 

Is there the possibility of a mild learning disability? At that age, my DS#2 would "mask" with angry outbursts or meltdowns at the school work, because he couldn't do it. Do the emotional responses seem to consistently happen around the same few school subjects? If so, then that might be an area to explore. If you think there is a learning concern, then getting a thorough evaluation would help pinpoint the specific LD, and also give you specific therapies or helps will address the concern, and will help you narrow down what program/curriculum will be the best fit for DS.

 

So hard to know from a distance and with so little to go on whether this is just a "stage" that just needs to be treated with gentle, loving, firm consistency -- or if it's the sign of something bigger that needs to be addressed.  BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

 

 

ETA

Echoing Heigh Ho's post, esp. about blood sugar and protein snacks. Having a mid-morning protein snack was VERY helpful here.

Edited by Lori D.
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Thank you Lori! This is very helpful. 

 

Thanks for clarifying. :) All we had to go on was the info in the original post, which mentioned pulling the 7yo out of school, and 1 brother who also needed 1-on-1, and the specific schooling interaction. Did not realize your full backstory, so disregard the new to homeschooling thoughts. ;)

 

 

 

It does sound like something is going on, and it certainly wouldn't hurt to bring it up with the pediatrician, if your doctor is one who is knowledgeable about a broader area than just the usual keeping kids up to date on vaccines, and the usual minor childhood ailments.

 

If the emotional fragility is new, then it can be a reaction to recent change in life circumstances: his transition from school, or a change in family dynamics that has reduced his 1-on-1 time with mom/dad or with a sibling for example. Seeing how he does with a little more emotional support through regular special time with mom/dad might be all he needs, if that is the case.

 

He's been very sensitive all his life, but the outbursts and frequency have increased exponentially since he started a new school last fall. It's a main reason we brought him home, to give him more time with mom and dad and a more encouraging environment. Any thoughts on how long it might take to expect a change there? 

 

It could be a developmental stage -- a lot of physical growing and changing within him, leaving him very little ability to cope with emotions and impulses at the moment. Or, he may need some explicit strategies for coping with difficulties (for example, the What to Do When You... series might help -- books on anxiety/worry; perfectionism; anger/explosiveness; grumbling/negativity; OCD/brain gets stuck; envy/"it's not fair")

 

​These are great! Going to see if I can get my hands on them. 

 

It could be a physical cause: the new development of a food intolerance (which often has emotions as a symptom) -- gluten, wheat, corn, and dairy are the big ones that can trigger physical intolerances that manifest in the emotions and the ability to focus. Also consider removing all artificial dyes and preservatives and see if that helps.

 

​I have considered this, but apart from banning sugar have not made any dietary changes. I shudder to think how that would go (Sorry, no cereal at breakfast, but here are some eggs and fruit! Commence meltdown) But I am willing to give it a go! 

 

Another possible physical cause of emotionalness is sleep deprivation -- is his room too light at night? He might have enough bedtime hours, but not really getting the deep sleep he needs due to the room not being dark enough, or his sleep cycle being disrupted. Ideas to try there would be blackout curtains, a white noise generator, or even taking melatonin to aid with proper sleep.

 

On this note - he is always my first to get up in the morning, usually around 6, and I have wondered if it's not enough but it's not because of light. He's also my only kid to sleepwalk, although that hasn't happened in a long time. Is melatonin something we go to the dr for? 

 

Another physical trigger of emotional change is residual strep infection (PANDAS). Usually that triggers tics and OCD-like symptoms, but could also result in emotional mood swings, irritability or anxiety, and separation anxieties.

 

Interesting. I see much reading in my weekend. 

 

Is there the possibility of a mild learning disability? At that age, my DS#2 would "mask" with angry outbursts or meltdowns at the school work, because he couldn't do it. Do the emotional responses seem to consistently happen around the same few school subjects? If so, then that might be an area to explore. If you think there is a learning concern, then getting a thorough evaluation would help pinpoint the specific LD, and also give you specific therapies or helps will address the concern, and will help you narrow down what program/curriculum will be the best fit for DS.

 

I don't think so. He reads at a 3-4th grade level, seems to have no trouble with math, enjoys schoolwork (when his emotions are under control). He's actually quite bright, so far as I can tell this early. 

 

So hard to know from a distance and with so little to go on whether this is just a "stage" that just needs to be treated with gentle, loving, firm consistency -- or if it's the sign of something bigger that needs to be addressed.  BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

 

Thank you so, so much! 

 

ETA

Echoing Heigh Ho's post, esp. about blood sugar and protein snacks. Having a mid-morning protein snack was VERY helpful here.

 

 

Edited by Entropymama
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One of my kids hates school.  He's 12...I've been homeschooling him from the start and let's just say he has not changed in the "I hate school" department.  He too is quite sensitive. 

 

I have no advice.  Obviously if I had figured this out maybe by now he would be different.  He is who he is though, and I keep plugging forward (while my hair gets grayer). 

 

So you have my sympathy!

 

 

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First, thanks to everyone for the replies. They have given me some good stuff to think on. 

 

To clarify, though my example was about school today, this really isn't a school issue. He is well able to complete the work when his emotions are under control and actually enjoys much of it. It's a difficulty with processing emotions issue. For example, 15 minutes ago I was on the phone and he tried to come talk to me. I said, "Please wait until I'm off the phone to talk to me." This resulted in his pounding his fists on the table and running off crying. 

 

 

Oh, in that case, I'd take another look at the original thread. It seems like the same type of issue to me, a kid who can't handle his big and intense emotions. 

 

Whatever particular strategies you try, I think the main thing is to consistently keep talking about it at calm times. Create expectations, give him very specific reactions and words to use, role play a lot. Definitely check out some of the book suggestions. 

 

As far as whether it's time to involve an objective professional, I'd say you have to go with your gut. Have you tried so many things that each new suggestion is unbearably familiar? Is the problem so pervasive that it's affecting his quality of life? The problem is that it can be so very hard to tell if something is being caused by big emotions that they need to tame, or if it's being triggered by anxiety. Anxiety and even depression can be largely invisible. 

 

It's just so hard to say. We were always seeing improvement, albeit slow, and my kids could and did talk to me about a lot of things. But, as I've expressed in other threads, my biggest parental regret is not getting professional help for their anxiety sooner (it didn't happen until their late teens). Because they were always improving, because they did so well in so many other ways, because anxiety was 'normal' to me, it never felt like, oh, now it's time for help. It's impossible to know now whether some of these 'big emotion' issues were caused by anxiety in their younger years, but somewhere along the line anxiety became a major player. 

 

If you are wondering if outside help is a good idea, I'd take that very seriously. You aren't locking yourself into anything by making some calls and setting up an initial appointment. 

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...Another possible physical cause of emotionalness is sleep deprivation...

On this note - he is always my first to get up in the morning, usually around 6, and I have wondered if it's not enough but it's not because of light. He's also my only kid to sleepwalk, although that hasn't happened in a long time. Is melatonin something we go to the dr for? 

 

Here's more on melatonin and kids.

 

 

He's been very sensitive all his life, but the outbursts and frequency have increased exponentially since he started a new school last fall. It's a main reason we brought him home, to give him more time with mom and dad and a more encouraging environment. Any thoughts on how long it might take to expect a change there? 

 

I don't know. I am NO expert, so don't rely on my answers, lol. ;)

 

But my thought, based only on what info is in this thread and my own experience with 2 DSs with different high-need issues, is that if it just a reaction to the school situation last fall, then it might take into next school year, with lots of consistent loving support, so DS sees that the situation is now stable and that he is NOT going to be sent back to the school and the stressful/discouraging situation. So you may need a good year of very calm, consistent homeschooling and patient/gently moving him forward emotional support until his anxiety level drops (IF that is what the source of the outbursts is).

 

But if this is due to something triggered by a biological component (sleep deprivation, diet reaction, chemical imbalance, viral issue, etc.) then you're not going to see a positive change, regardless of how much supportive mom/dad time there is until the root problem is resolved.

 

IF the outbursts are coming out of an innate temperament ("very sensitive all his life"), then I would guess that whether this increase in intensity/frequency is being triggered by a specific cause (the public school situation), or by his age/stage, either way, it's going to take time to work on it until you see some positive changes (like, months, and possibly years of slowly maturing and learning coping mechanisms, etc. -- like katilac was talking about).

 

Again, with both DSs here, it took until they were about 9-10yo when, for their different underlying reasons, they were able to start getting a handle on the emotional side of things, or maturing into the ability to cope with their issues. And that was sort of the "turning point". They continued to slowly move forward and grow in maturity/coping abilities throughout the teens. The route I took was a TON of prayer and asking the Lord for specific insights on what was needed by THIS child at THIS time for THIS stage, and I did a ton of reading/research, which turned up tips and techniques at various times which did help.

 

 

It definitely sounds like doing some reading/research for techniques from the books that have been recommended are going to be needed. And, a professionally might be needed if you're not getting anywhere after trying carefully targeted techniques that sound like a good match-up from your reading/research. Talking to a knowledgeable doctor or counselor could help too, but my own experience with this is that you have to have done a LOT of research yourself in advance and have a very clear, specific picture to present to the professional, because there are just SO many issues that mimic or cause outbursts, that the professional may be as "in the dark" as you -- esp. because the professional is not going to know your child as intimately as you do. And I see you already have a good eye for detail and what to be looking at from your posts above, describing specific situations and analyzing causes. :)

 

 

... food intolerance (which often has emotions as a symptom) ...

​I have considered this, but apart from banning sugar have not made any dietary changes. I shudder to think how that would go (Sorry, no cereal at breakfast, but here are some eggs and fruit! Commence meltdown) But I am willing to give it a go! 

 

Sorry, I know that's a rough one, esp. when you have a large family. Maybe try eliminating just ONE item from ALL the family diet at a time -- like, no wheat for a week. That's easier than trying to cut out multiple items at once, and if that is what everyone is getting for all the meals, then that's just what the menu is for the week and no one feels punished or isolated. ;)

 

BEST of luck, and  :grouphug:  to both you and your bright, sensitive little guy! Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited by Lori D.
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I would wait at least six months of letting him deschool before I worried about his behavior needing looking at. He obviously didn't have a good experience there, so I'd give him time and distance from the school. I wouldn't do school-like homeschool stuff at all for a seven-year old transitioning from school. I pulled my son out of school at about that age (some 18 years ago), and we went with his interests for awhile. Lots of Norse mythology, Legos, and science, science, science for the rest of that school year. He's now a bright adult--still has terrible handwriting. :)

 

I usually say This too must pass, and it usually does. Seven years old for boys, nine y.o. for girls--hard years IMO.

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I'm skipping to the bottom of this thread to say one thing.

 

I notice that when he says "I'm stupid", you reply with "You're smart".

 

To me, this is just validating his implicit belief that smart/stupid is a correct way to judge a person's value. I don't think this is helpful.

 

I would try saying something else and banning those words (and any synonyms) from my own vocabulary.

 

For example:

 

Him: It's too hard, I'm stupid, I can't do this, I never had to do this in school.

 

You: It sounds like you're frustrated. I feel that way when learning new things too! New things are often difficult, and that's a little frustrating. And then when you learn them, they're so easy you can't believe you ever had trouble. I think you *can* do it, though, with a little bit of work. Try it now, and in a minute I'll be over to help you. It's normal to want a little help when you're learning.

 

I also wouldn't waste my breath telling him that he knows the correct way to act. Of course he knows it! But when you spend time telling him that, you just help him achieve his objective - delay, delay, delay.

 

Him: This is stupid. I hate this story. Why do I have to do this? etc., etc, also involving rolling on the floor.

 

You: We can talk about it later. Right now we're answering these questions. C'mon.

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I think my original example was poorly executed based on the responses. A lot of you have picked up on my saying 'smart', among other things, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do given the information I gave! I don't normally use that adjective, I was trying to briefly sketch out my responses, but my main purpose of the example was to show his behavior. 

 

The thing is, I don't think his purpose is to delay school work. As noted, this isn't a school related issue per se. It's an ongoing issue with his not being able to react in a reasonable manner to disappointments and frustrations. This could be anything - his brother's cookie is slightly larger, it's too cold to play outside, he colored outside the lines, he has to read when he'd rather not, it isn't his favorite food at dinner, etc, etc. 

 

I'm sorry for being unclear in my original post - all your responses have been very helpful in answering it. 

 

The real issue is his often exposive emotional reaction to rather mundane daily issues. 

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It is possible for ADHD, executive function difficulties, and/or anxiety to look like what you describe. There may be other possibilities to consider, as well. I think it is worth discussing with the pediatrician. You can get help for issues like this, and the doctor may be able to direct you to services available in your area. For example, there is a technique called Zones of Regulation that can be taught by an OT, SLP, or psychologist, and there are other options, as well.

 

I have children with emotional regulation issues, so I understand how difficult it can be to understand and deal with as the parent. When we were homeschooling, issues like this derailed our days -- almost every day -- and I was at a loss about what to do. I wanted to let you know that there are resources available, and that you don't have to figure it out on your own.

 

 

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