Wwyd? Carpooling with car seats

[highspirits]

So I’ve been thinking about something for awhile and am looking for opinions. I carpool with some other moms to get our kids to preschool. I make sure that my 4yo is always in a 5 point harness because I’m pretty strict about car seat safety. The other moms however send their kids with backless boosters. I’m pretty sure they are over the minimums required for boosters so it’s not illegal per say, but it’s definitely not best practice especially when they won’t sit still (you know, because they are 4 and don’t have great impulse control yet). I’m always having to tell them to stay in their seats, and one girl in particular has one of those inflatable boosters that doesn’t get her high enough for the seatbelt to be in the right position on her shoulder.

My question is, would you allow this in your car? It’s basically this or no carpool at all.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Tanaqui]

Whether or not I'd allow it, I don't think you'll be able to convince these other moms to purchase new carseats and spend time in the morning transferring the carseat to your vehicle, not when they aren't in violation of the law. If they think they're safe enough, they aren't likely to appreciate your input in this matter.

[highspirits]

Whether or not I'd allow it, I don't think you'll be able to convince these other moms to purchase new carseats and spend time in the morning transferring the carseat to your vehicle, not when they aren't in violation of the law. If they think they're safe enough, they aren't likely to appreciate your input in this matter.

Absolutely. Plus big car seats actually wouldn’t fit. It’s definitely a question of whether I continue with carpool or whether I opt out. I was fine with the situation until I realized how often they move around unsafely in their seats!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ThisIsTheDay]

If I were not comfortable transporting children in this situation, I would absolutely not be doing it. It doesn't sound safe, the children need you to remind them to sit still. Why would you compromise on this? What if something did happen? Don't succumb to peer pressure!

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[EKS]

I would opt out of the carpool.

 

That said, you can make a booster/seatbelt combination work a bit better by pulling the seatbelt all the way out so that it locks and then cinching up the kid (I assume this is still possible in cars these days).  That way, they can't squirm out.

[Annie G]

I'd opt out. It is stressing you out.   Do the other moms take turns driving? What do you do with the kids' booster seats when you drop them off? 

[poppy]

I’d opt out. I don’t think it’s appropriate to patent-lecture the other moms but my comfort level doesn’t include inflatable boosters for 4 year olds. For goodness sake.

[Petrichor]

I wouldn't be comfortable with an inflatable booster, especially when you are saying the booster isn't doing it's job in this situation.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with 4yr olds in boosters - I didn't move my DS to a booster until around 5.5yo - and with a bunch of 4yo in the car, you can't keep them in their seat belts properly (no fault of your own, I wouldn't be able to either - 4yos are wiggly!)

 

It took me weeks of "serious talk" with my 8yo to convince him to not wiggle around and to wear his seatbelt properly.

 

I'm generally uncomfortable driving other kids around, unless they are kids that can either wear seat belts properly after one warning, or I would feel comfortable telling scary but true stories about gruesome car crashes where people had to be airlifted to the hospital or died on impact or got the seatbelt twisted around their necks.

 

That might not work so well with 4yos (and depending on the 4yos, you might end up with a bunch of angry parents who stayed up all night because you gave their kids nightmares :laugh:) 

 

You gave it a try, realized that you aren't comfortable with the situation, and decided that you need to drop out of the carpool. That's fine. You could apologize and tell the other moms that "it's not working for us anymore" and leave it at that. 

[Tanaqui]

Absolutely. Plus big car seats actually wouldn’t fit. It’s definitely a question of whether I continue with carpool or whether I opt out. I was fine with the situation until I realized how often they move around unsafely in their seats!

 

If you feel uncomfortable, and carpooling is not a necessity, then you should definitely opt out. What I would do or anybody else would do isn't important. What matters is that you don't like the situation as is, and it's not one you can easily change :)

 

And all you need to say to these other parents, if asked, is "It just wasn't working for us".

[Wabi Sabi]

I opted out of carpooling with my kids until they were big enough for a booster seat just for this very reason. (FWIW, they are both tiny kids who were in a 5 pt harness until about 7 years old each.)

[Ailaena]

If they are not safe in my car and the only way I can change that is by not having them in my car, then they will no longer be in my car. I’ve worked/seen too many accidents and I know I would feel 100% responsible for any extra injuries that would occur due to unsafe positioning.

 

This was only an issue one time when dd was going on a field trip in pre-K and the parent driving did not want her car seat in the car because it was too much trouble. And the other parents were trying to pressure me into letting it go this once. I told them they were free to piss off (I was so young...) and I literally drove on every field trip after that while she was in school.

[Elizabeth86]

No way, BUT I'm kind of the crazy car seat lady. My 6 year is still car seat size. I wouldn't want him in a booster, so no for preschool kids.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Elizabeth86

[eternalsummer]

I don't personally mind a booster for 4 year olds who will sit relatively still in the booster.  I've had some that will and some that won't.

 

For other people's kids, though, if they're making me nuts in the car it is just not worth it.  Having to turn around frequently to correct 4 year olds would have me opting right out of a carpool :)

[Tsuga]

 

 

 I’m always having to tell them to stay in their seats

 

NOPE. Carpool is over.

 

My kids were in boosters with backs at that age. I'm not nearly as strict as you. But if a child cannot sit in their seat, they get a five point harness or they get out of the car. End of story, 100% non-negotiable. Adults do not ride without seatbelts and whatever your age you stay in your seat.

 

If you really want to deflect from the kids' behavior for whatever reason, blame it on distractibility with too many kids in the car. Otherwise, I agree with an above poster that "This isn't working for us any more, very sorry to drop out" is more than sufficient.

[Catwoman]

So I’ve been thinking about something for awhile and am looking for opinions. I carpool with some other moms to get our kids to preschool. I make sure that my 4yo is always in a 5 point harness because I’m pretty strict about car seat safety. The other moms however send their kids with backless boosters. I’m pretty sure they are over the minimums required for boosters so it’s not illegal per say, but it’s definitely not best practice especially when they won’t sit still (you know, because they are 4 and don’t have great impulse control yet). I’m always having to tell them to stay in their seats, and one girl in particular has one of those inflatable boosters that doesn’t get her high enough for the seatbelt to be in the right position on her shoulder.

My question is, would you allow this in your car? It’s basically this or no carpool at all.

 

Another vote for no carpool at all.

 

If you’re always having to tell the kids to stay in their seats, that means your eyes are on them and not on the road. That’s not safe.

 

I would drive my own child and let the other parents deal with their own children. It may be less convenient for you, but this is a safety issue.

[highspirits]

Thanks everyone. I just didn’t know if I was overreacting or not! Sounds like I’m not [emoji4] Unfortunately these moms are my very good friends and opting out of carpool is going to take more explanation then simply that it isn’t working for us. I’m going to have to think on that and how to handle that :/ since preschool is 30 min away, it will be a pain for everyone to have this not work out. Oh well

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited February 2, 2018 by highspirits

[CAJinBE]

I would not/did not carpool at that age. I was insistent our kids were in car seats with 5-point harnesses and these are not easy to move around. There was a service provided by our local fire department at that time that would check to see if the car seats were properly installed and most people's carseats were not in tight enough. A big strong fireman can install a seat better than a mom rushing to get kids to school. 

 

Of course, this meant I was always going back and forth to the preschool myself. We had a neighbor that wanted to do a carpool, but I just told her I like to workout near the school in the morning and would rather just drive my kids myself. I did end up taking her kids once a week, but they were older and didn't need seats. We didn't start homeschooling until middle school. 

[HomeAgain]

I kept spare seats. :o  My car, I need to know that they are installed correctly and kids are restrained appropriately.  When my kid would ride with others, I made sure his seat was a quick install (Britax Frontier).  Open, click belt, click shut, tether.  Easy, peasy.  I still keep two spares: a full booster and a Mifold for a center-seated kid.  Most of my kid's friends are nearly out of the booster stage now, though.

 

But if you're not comfortable then the car pool isn't going to work for you.  It's better to opt out than opt in.

[Mbelle]

I was never really comfortable with carpool in the preschool age.  I'm not very strict about carseats other than what is required, but I do freak out about parents texting and driving.  I would rather do all the driving at that age.  I would not feel bad about opting out.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Opt out.

 

My extra 7 year old still properly fits one of my harnessed seats, so I’m he goes. I think his 3yo will be out of the harness before him! Lol

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks everyone. I just didn’t know if I was overreacting or not! Sounds like I’m not [emoji4] Unfortunately these moms are my very good friends and opting out of carpool is going to take more explanation then simply that it isn’t working for us. I’m going to have to think on that and how to handle that :/ since preschool is 30 min away, it will be a pain for everyone to have this not work out. Oh well

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

:grouphug:

 

BTDT.  I ended up insisting on safer car seats when I was driving and I also bought a spare car seat.  I drove a van, though, and had the space in the back to keep an extra 5 point harness seat plus an extra booster that had a back to it.  I could anchor it more safely than boosters with no back.  I was able to get both seats on sale and ended up buying them because of situations where I had to transport someone else's child under emergency circumstances.  For the carpool I already had one of the seats.  I made using a 5 point harness a requirement from the beginning, though, so the other moms knew what my rules were.  Trying to retroactively make it a hill to die on is much harder.  Sending my sympathies.  You've been put in a difficult position but I agree, especially with the length of that car ride I would probably opt out if there is no way to get safer car seats in play.

 

It's a bit of a risk but if it were me instead of just out of the blue refusing to carpool anymore, depending on the personalities involved, I would probably meet with them and discuss options.  I would also make this about your concerns, not a lecture about poor car seat choices.  Example (obviously the wording below might be a terrible fit for your group; I'm just sharing a possible approach.):

 

"I want all of you to know how much I care about you and about our group.  I care about our children, too.  They are so precious and they mean the world to me.  I also realize this carpool is helpful to everyone and I appreciate that.  I will be honest, though, that it makes me incredibly nervous trying to drive when the kids can and have gotten out of their car seats and are wiggling all over.  It distracts me from the actual driving.  I am afraid something terrible will happen and I spend the entire drive feeling anxious and worried.  I just can't do this anymore.  I am hoping we can brainstorm some other options so I don't have to opt out of our carpool, but I understand if the rest of you are fine with the current arrangement and don't want to change.  I just can't keep driving like this.  I'm hoping you can help me come up with a solution that is workable for all of us or at least be understanding if I have to opt out.  All of you really do matter to me.  I just need a different way to handle this for my own mental health. I would really appreciate your input."

 

Then politely and supportively but firmly reject any idea that does not address your concerns.  If your group cannot come up with a workable solution then in a loving and supportive way opt out of the carpool but rather quickly after doing so (within days) maybe try for a playdate or something along those lines to smooth out any hurt or resentment.  Show them the friendships still matter to you.  Plus it is harder to build up negative feelings against you if they see that you are not sitting there stewing over their choices in car seats and that you value the friendships even if the carpool isn't working out for you.

 

If you feel that the above won't work, though, then yes opt out anyway.  What you describe does not sound safe.   :grouphug:

Edited February 2, 2018 by OneStepAtATime

[highspirits]

I kept spare seats. :o My car, I need to know that they are installed correctly and kids are restrained appropriately. When my kid would ride with others, I made sure his seat was a quick install (Britax Frontier). Open, click belt, click shut, tether. Easy, peasy. I still keep two spares: a full booster and a Mifold for a center-seated kid. Most of my kid's friends are nearly out of the booster stage now, though.

 

But if you're not comfortable then the car pool isn't going to work for you. It's better to opt out than opt in.

Yes, Britax clicktight! That’s what I have for my son. Best install ever :)

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sounds like they don't really have a choice if nothing else would fit.  If you aren't comfortable then just don't do it, but they are doing the best they can under the circumstances.

 

 

[highspirits]

:grouphug:

 

BTDT. I ended up insisting on safer car seats when I was driving and I also bought a spare car seat. I drove a van, though, and had the space in the back to keep an extra 5 point harness seat plus an extra booster that had a back to it. I could anchor it more safely than boosters with no back. I was able to get both seats on sale and ended up buying them because of situations where I had to transport someone else's child under emergency circumstances. For the carpool I already had one of the seats. I made using a 5 point harness a requirement from the beginning, though, so the other moms knew what my rules were. Trying to retroactively make it a hill to die on is much harder. Sending my sympathies. You've been put in a difficult position but I agree, especially with the length of that car ride I would probably opt out if there is no way to get safer car seats in play.

 

It's a bit of a risk but if it were me instead of just out of the blue refusing to carpool anymore, depending on the personalities involved I would probably meet with them and discuss options. I would also make this about your concerns, not a lecture about poor car seat choices. Example (obviously the wording below might be a terrible fit for your group; I'm just sharing a possible approach.):

 

"I want all of you to know how much I care about you and about our group. I care about our children, too. They are so precious and they mean the world to me. I also realize this carpool is helpful to everyone and I appreciate that. I will be honest, though, that it makes me incredibly nervous trying to drive when the kids can and have gotten out of their car seats and are wiggling all over. It distracts me from the actual driving. I am afraid something terrible will happen and I spend the entire drive feeling anxious and worried. I just can't do this anymore. I am hoping we can brainstorm some other options so I don't have to opt out of our carpool, but I understand if the rest of you are fine with the current arrangement and don't want to change. I just can't keep driving like this. I'm hoping you can help me come up with a solution that is workable for all of us or at least be understanding if I have to opt out. All of you really do matter to me. I just need a different way to handle this for my own mental health. I would really appreciate your input."

 

Then politely and supportively but firmly reject any idea that does not address your concerns. If your group cannot come up with a workable solution then in a loving and supportive way opt out of the carpool but rather quickly after doing so (within days) maybe try for a playdate or something along those lines to smooth out any hurt or resentment. Show them the friendships still matter to you. Plus it is harder to build up negative feelings against you if they see that you are not sitting there stewing over their choices in car seats and that you value the friendships even if the carpool isn't working out for you.

 

If you feel that the above won't work, though, then yes opt out anyway. What you describe does not sound safe. :grouphug:

Thank you for this. I think we could do a face to face conversation. They already know I’m the weird friend :)

Just to be clear, they aren’t getting all the way out of their seats (though they do unbuckle before I’ve come to a complete stop), they just aren’t sitting safely (leaning forward, sliding their bottoms off the booster onto the chair etc). And of course the poor fit. That’s still a problem right? Everything I’ve read says that they should be able to sit properly to move into a booster.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneStepAtATime]

Sounds like they don't really have a choice if nothing else would fit.  If you aren't comfortable then just don't do it, but they are doing the best they can under the circumstances.

Well, this brings up a good point.  I did not understand there to be a problem with fitting in better car seats. 

 

How many children are you transporting OP?  Do you drive a traditional size car or a van or ...?  Could you even fit in safer car seats for all the children?  Maybe safer boosters?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, this brings up a good point.  I did not understand there to be a problem with fitting in better car seats. 

 

How many children are you transporting OP?  Do you drive a traditional size car or a van or ...?  Could you even fit in safer car seats for all the children?  Maybe safer boosters?

 

She said a couple of posts down that bigger car seats would not fit.  So what is there to change about the situation other than just not carpooling?

[highspirits]

Well, this brings up a good point. I did not understand there to be a problem with fitting in better car seats.

 

How many children are you transporting OP? Do you drive a traditional size car or a van or ...? Could you even fit in safer car seats for all the children? Maybe safer boosters?

It’s a 7 seater van. I have 3 kids of my own in car seats, and there is only space for the set up we have now, since someone has to be in the tiny middle seat on the back row. So no, nothing safer is going to fit. They were doing carpool before me and were excited when I got the van so I could join. They just continued using the same system with boosters and leaving them at preschool that they had before. But obviously no one else had issues with this.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneStepAtATime]

It’s a 7 seater van. I have 3 kids of my own in car seats, and there is only space for the set up we have now, since someone has to be in the tiny middle seat on the back row. So no, nothing safer is going to fit. They were doing carpool before me and were excited when I got the van so I could join. They just continued using the same system with boosters and leaving them at preschool that they had before. But obviously no one else had issues with this.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There are safer booster seats than the inflatable one you described.  There are hybrid seats that are more like a booster but anchor better.  But yeah if you really cannot fit safer seats in then I don't think there is anything anyone can do.  The moms are doing what they can.  How do they handle your child's car seat?  I assume they fit in the 5 point harness seat?

[OneStepAtATime]

So you are transporting your 3 children, all in car seats and at least one in a 5 point harness plus you are transporting 2 other children, both of whom are 4ish years old?  One child has to fit in between two other car seats at the back of the van so they cannot sit in a larger car seat?  Would a sturdier booster seat fit at the back of the van?  And would that be acceptable to you?  

[Tsuga]

Thanks everyone. I just didn’t know if I was overreacting or not! Sounds like I’m not [emoji4] Unfortunately these moms are my very good friends and opting out of carpool is going to take more explanation then simply that it isn’t working for us. I’m going to have to think on that and how to handle that :/ since preschool is 30 min away, it will be a pain for everyone to have this not work out. Oh well

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"I am not a safe driver when distracted and so we will have to rejoin when the kids are a bit older and need fewer reminders to sit safely in their seats."

 

HTH I know how hard these convos with friends can be. I was the last friend without a rear facing seat for the under five year old... I wasn't insulted. Everyone has to make their own safety choices.

[stutterfish]

I think it's perfectly ok to have a face-to-face conversation and be honest. If it were me I'd frame the conversation with a "it's me, not you" emphasis. E.g., "You know I'm a bit quirky about some things...well this is making me anxious...I get easily distracted by...I don't know if there is a way to resolve it...I want to make sure your children are safe when they travel with me...I know this will be a pain for everyone... etc.

 

Avoid lecturing the other parents or suggesting that they aren't as safety-conscious as you are, and perhaps don't mention their children's behaviour, unless they bring up the subject (everyone gets defensive about their parenting :) ) You might find between you, you can come up with a solution that works.

[happi duck]

It sounds like the carpool worked without you before. You gave it a try and it isn't for you.

 

I'd tell the truth. "The car seat situation in my van stresses me out. The boosters aren't fitting correctly."

 

If pressed "I gave it a try and I'm not comfortable doing it."

[ktgrok]

Thank you for this. I think we could do a face to face conversation. They already know I’m the weird friend :)

Just to be clear, they aren’t getting all the way out of their seats (though they do unbuckle before I’ve come to a complete stop), they just aren’t sitting safely (leaning forward, sliding their bottoms off the booster onto the chair etc). And of course the poor fit. That’s still a problem right? Everything I’ve read says that they should be able to sit properly to move into a booster.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Would boosters with a full back work? Like, would those fit in your car? If so, could you let them know that the kids are not staying properly seated, and you're worried, and see if they'd either provide, or let you provide, a booster with a back on it? That would keep the seat belt positioned properly at least. 

 

I won't put a 4 year old in a backless booster, I don't think that's a good idea. But my 5 yr old is still in a 5 pt harness, and the older one didn't go into a booster (with back) until age 7, so maybe I'm super cautious. 

SaveSave

SaveSave

Edited February 3, 2018 by ktgrok

[rebbyribs]

There are travel vests that are a five point harness that connects up with the seat belt. They are fairly expensive but could solve your carpool issue and make life easier if you travel by plane and rent a car.

 

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

[highspirits]

I would opt out of the carpool.

 

That said, you can make a booster/seatbelt combination work a bit better by pulling the seatbelt all the way out so that it locks and then cinching up the kid (I assume this is still possible in cars these days). That way, they can't squirm out.

Just re-reading the thread and I need to look into whether the seatbelt locks and how to do that. That might help a ton actually.

 

For those saying high back boosters, one would fit but it’s that tiny middle seat that’s causing the issue. But I really appreciate the ideas, I’ve got lots to think about in terms of solutions!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk