Online college degrees

[freesia]

I have been watching too many Dr. Phil videos on YouTube lately, but I will try not to be too harsh.

 

Right now, he has no reason to change anything. His life is just the way he wants it. He sleeps all day, and he is awake all night when everyone else is sleeping, so there is no one to bug him. I can see giving him a few months to have some time to think, but not to spend his waking ours just goofing off. When my DD (diagnosed at 21) chose to leave school and did not have a jo, I expected her to do at least 4 hrs per day of chores/work around the house. Everyone has to contribute to a household in some way even if it is not a paid job.

 

I do think at some point you are good no to have to go all "Dr. Phil" on him and set up a contract with timelines. He might get mad at you, but who cares. Unless you want to be supporting him his entire life, you are gong to have to upset him. My DS15 gets mad almost every day when I sit beside him to make sure that he is doing school work instead of watching videos, but I do it anyway...even when I would much rather me doing almost anything else.

Another one who had to sit by her 15/16 year old to make sure he wasn't just watching videos.

 

He really does have it cushy. You can't both treat him like an adult and not monitor his time and not expect him to have any of the reasons adults can't surf the net all day. (Working and the need to earn money. )

 

And I think Katie is right--he needs to get out of the house. He isn't going to learn the social skills and maturity staying at home. Parents are often too close to the situation to push.

 

And my cousin's dh saw if writing would pan out while working part-time as a bartender. Now he also teaches. My dh wrote a book while working. My Da worked on one. I've never met any stay at home writer who also didn't have a working spouse. While I get your motivation-- the set up isn't even realistic.

[BlsdMama]

He is very much a rules oriented guy. I don't know about a contract. He'll feel pressured and may resent us. The only thing we've agreed to is to give him a few months to see where he is with his ideas. 

 

He once told me that grocery store stocking was better than going to school so I don't know if he'll agree to go back to school soon. I'm hoping that when he realizes how difficult writing really is, he'll start looking at careers that require an education. There are some good programs at our technical school. I tried explaining to him that those classes will be easy compared to what he took in college. I don't know why he isn't more interested in tech school. I also like the idea of an online AA degree. I've got a school in mind. I'm looking up information and have created a folder with bookmarks of stuff we can look at together when he's ready.

 

 

So, Beth, what I hear you saying is that you really want to give him room to kind of figure out what he wants to do and really give him an earnest shot at that, but I also hear you saying, "Look, love my son, but he needs to do something because this can't go on forever."

 

I honestly think your head is in exactly the right place.  If I understand, I think you're tentative as to how much he can handle, how much you *should* push him, and in what direction?  Correct me if I'm wrong on any of it.

 

Because, you're right, being an Aspie does change this from your typical kid, kwim?  They deal with anxiety differently and life differently.  And Aspie parents tend to be more tentative in pushing the bird to the edge of the nest because the step into adulting is already fraught with anxiety, let alone, holy cow, dealing with Aspergers.

 

The way I see it is this - requiring him to get an AA really isn't saying, "You cannot write."  It's saying, "Hey, write.  Please write.  Write a ton.  And WHILE you do this, we're going to get you some useable life skills, help you learn to juggle a little by holding you accountable, keep you here at home (online) so that you can keep that anxiety in check and we can talk all this through with you, but we're going to move this process forward.

 

I have some kids who really KNOW their own mind.  They are very closed to suggestions.

I have some kids you have to be super careful not to make suggestions. "Wow, you play beautifully.  You should really look into the Music program at such and such," 'cuz the next day they are thinking music majors.  They are very open to suggestions.

 

I think there is a huge difference between saying, "Son, you need to work on your AA," rather than, "Son, you're going into engineering and becoming a Civil Engineer."  In one, you give a little push to get SOMETHING rolling and moving forward.  In the other, you are being a dictator.  

 

My sixteen year old IS taking Gen Ed classes at the CC next year. I'm glad she wants to.  It wouldn't really matter to me if she didn't want to - she still would, because it's the next educational step for her.  It doesn't dictate her life, but it is the next step to her adulthood.  What she wants to do it with it?  All hers to own, but my job is to equip her for self supporting.

 

You said that with a contract he may feel pressured and resent you.  I think that's okay.  I think that, as parents, we don't like to pressure the kids and we don't like them to have unhappy feelings at us.  But think about if he didn't like to bathe.  It would become a rule of the house.  Look, on Mondays, Wedensdays, and Saturdays, you take a shower.  The rest of us do not want to smell you, it's not socially acceptable to not bathe, and you are taking this shower to live here.  It is not acceptable to inconvenience the family in order to please yourself.

 

And I think this is much the same thing.  Now, maybe it's a ramp up - you say, "Next semester you are taking two classes.  The first is Creative Writing to forward what you love and the second is Statistics to fulfill the math needed for your AA."  Some sort of compromise and give and maybe only part time for the first semester.  BUT, it is possible as this becomes his new habit and his new routine and he does well that he might buy into it.  If not, still, it is our job to equip them.  That might mean making them get a job and pay rent to live in our homes, it might be to make them go to college because life without medical insurance is really hard.

 

But I can see this is really hard for you.  You want one thing (and a good thing FOR him) and on the other hand, you worry about the effects being an Aspie and dealing with all of this and feel like you are pushing him.  But I think there can be a balance and I think that that is really what you came here seeking and I think you're pretty much right on in where you're thinking.  You're just not sure how to get from A to B?  Please do correct me if I'm wrong here.

[unsinkable]

FYI:

 

Writing Great Fiction from Great Courses is on sale until February 8th.

[Night Elf]

So, Beth, what I hear you saying is that you really want to give him room to kind of figure out what he wants to do and really give him an earnest shot at that, but I also hear you saying, "Look, love my son, but he needs to do something because this can't go on forever."

 

I honestly think your head is in exactly the right place.  If I understand, I think you're tentative as to how much he can handle, how much you *should* push him, and in what direction?  Correct me if I'm wrong on any of it.

 

Because, you're right, being an Aspie does change this from your typical kid, kwim?  They deal with anxiety differently and life differently.  And Aspie parents tend to be more tentative in pushing the bird to the edge of the nest because the step into adulting is already fraught with anxiety, let alone, holy cow, dealing with Aspergers.

 

The way I see it is this - requiring him to get an AA really isn't saying, "You cannot write."  It's saying, "Hey, write.  Please write.  Write a ton.  And WHILE you do this, we're going to get you some useable life skills, help you learn to juggle a little by holding you accountable, keep you here at home (online) so that you can keep that anxiety in check and we can talk all this through with you, but we're going to move this process forward.

 

I have some kids who really KNOW their own mind.  They are very closed to suggestions.

I have some kids you have to be super careful not to make suggestions. "Wow, you play beautifully.  You should really look into the Music program at such and such," 'cuz the next day they are thinking music majors.  They are very open to suggestions.

 

I think there is a huge difference between saying, "Son, you need to work on your AA," rather than, "Son, you're going into engineering and becoming a Civil Engineer."  In one, you give a little push to get SOMETHING rolling and moving forward.  In the other, you are being a dictator.  

 

My sixteen year old IS taking Gen Ed classes at the CC next year. I'm glad she wants to.  It wouldn't really matter to me if she didn't want to - she still would, because it's the next educational step for her.  It doesn't dictate her life, but it is the next step to her adulthood.  What she wants to do it with it?  All hers to own, but my job is to equip her for self supporting.

 

You said that with a contract he may feel pressured and resent you.  I think that's okay.  I think that, as parents, we don't like to pressure the kids and we don't like them to have unhappy feelings at us.  But think about if he didn't like to bathe.  It would become a rule of the house.  Look, on Mondays, Wedensdays, and Saturdays, you take a shower.  The rest of us do not want to smell you, it's not socially acceptable to not bathe, and you are taking this shower to live here.  It is not acceptable to inconvenience the family in order to please yourself.

 

And I think this is much the same thing.  Now, maybe it's a ramp up - you say, "Next semester you are taking two classes.  The first is Creative Writing to forward what you love and the second is Statistics to fulfill the math needed for your AA."  Some sort of compromise and give and maybe only part time for the first semester.  BUT, it is possible as this becomes his new habit and his new routine and he does well that he might buy into it.  If not, still, it is our job to equip them.  That might mean making them get a job and pay rent to live in our homes, it might be to make them go to college because life without medical insurance is really hard.

 

But I can see this is really hard for you.  You want one thing (and a good thing FOR him) and on the other hand, you worry about the effects being an Aspie and dealing with all of this and feel like you are pushing him.  But I think there can be a balance and I think that that is really what you came here seeking and I think you're pretty much right on in where you're thinking.  You're just not sure how to get from A to B?  Please do correct me if I'm wrong here.

 

No, you're right about many of these things. I'll have to think about this. There have been so many good points on this thread but I just keep coming back to the fact that things are so much harder with an Aspie. So far he's done what we've told him to do and that includes household stuff, hygiene, high school, college, counseling (twice), and working. But now he's putting his foot down and expressing himself. He is adamantly against getting another job. I was actually shocked at his attitude. I'm not used to it. 

 

He got his Kindle today. We're loading a couple of books on writing and he's got a couple of novels he wants to read. Let's see if this jogs anything in his routine.