shawthorne44 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 This is what I have always had at the forefront of my mind and why I am so dismissive of worrying about who is and isn’t on the registry. I figure if I know that someone is to be avoided, that’s a plus. It’s the ones I don’t know to be sex offenders with which I need to be more concerned. And yeah, that means I’ve had a very uncomfortable conversation with my husband about his brother. It means that I completely eliminated any contact with my other BILs entire family of origin when I learned that they knew about an abuser in their family and all excused him/minimized it. If I am widowed or divorced, I can’t even conceive of living with anyone else until my kids are adults. Not because I think I would marry or date an abuser but because I know that abusers are really great at hiding in plain sight and I know so many people, including my mother, who were assaulted by their stepfathers or their mom’s live in boyfriends. In many cases by more than one. DH and I have discussed this,. If he were to die while DD was still a child, I'd be very worried of someone pursuing me to get access to my adorable DD. I don't trust that I could figure that out if it were true. So, my options would be limited to those I knew were interested in me before DH, and I'd probably wait until DD was at least near adult. I'm not dissing those women who have remarried with kids. I am far more oblivious than a normal person. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) That is awful. According to the article, the family of the girl has "accepted" the sentence and didn't want to travel for a trial. Really? They don't think enough of their daughter to make sure justice is served? Is that because the rape took place at a church camp and they don't want to make more waves? Somehow, I jus think that has something to do with their attitude. Does the state not want to foot the bill for prison accommodations? Maybe they don't think they can guarantee his safety as a person who can't see approaching threats and don't want to make the accommodations that would make that possible? ETA: Not sure about my initial idea that the family doesn't want to make waves, as they have initiated a civil suit. SaveSave I read that a bit differently. The article later says: Bruce Robertson, who is representing the girl in a civil lawsuit against the camp and the church that runs it, told the newspaper the plea agreement came after "the family was told by the district attorney's office that the rapist would not serve any meaningful prison time due to his medical conditions". The way this reads to me is that the family was told they would be wasting their time/travel as he would not be getting a meaningful sentence even if it went to trial. Edited January 31, 2018 by ChocolateReignRemix 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 DH and I have discussed this,. If he were to die while DD was still a child, I'd be very worried of someone pursuing me to get access to my adorable DD. I don't trust that I could figure that out if it were true. So, my options would be limited to those I knew were interested in me before DH, and I'd probably wait until DD was at least near adult. I'm not dissing those women who have remarried with kids. I am far more oblivious than a normal person. Don't blame you for that. It is sobering to me to know I am one misjudgment away from harm befalling my children. One thinks as the kids grow up, that your mistakes have fewer consequences than when they were little. One of the speakers has performed over 800 sexual assault kits. The recurring theme was the mom's boyfriend or the stepdad. Sadder was the number of women who blamed their daughter or son. I can't even imagine. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Don't blame you for that. It is sobering to me to know I am one misjudgment away from harm befalling my children. One thinks as the kids grow up, that your mistakes have fewer consequences than when they were little. One of the speakers has performed over 800 sexual assault kits. The recurring theme was the mom's boyfriend or the stepdad. Sadder was the number of women who blamed their daughter or son. I can't even imagine. You know, that does give me a bit of hope. I like to think that if you aren't the kind of human scum that would automatically blame your own child, you also aren't the kind of woman to date a rapist or molester. I mean, who the hell blames their kid??? If your judgement is that bad in regards to your kid I guess I can see how it would be bad in regards to men and relationships too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Don't blame you for that. It is sobering to me to know I am one misjudgment away from harm befalling my children. One thinks as the kids grow up, that your mistakes have fewer consequences than when they were little. One of the speakers has performed over 800 sexual assault kits. The recurring theme was the mom's boyfriend or the stepdad. Sadder was the number of women who blamed their daughter or son. I can't even imagine. It's a common theme in children beaten to death too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Now I think you’re talking about the victim, but don’t you want parents to blame their kid when they’re the perpetrator? It’s not a human scum move to try and examine a situation and motives to see if your child is culpable, it’s actually the right move. Too many people DON’T blame their kid when blame is due. I think she was talking exclusively about a situation involving a child and an adult. If there is sexual activity between a child and an adult no the child is never to blame. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 They only decided that AFTER being told he wouldn't get jail time even if they did go to trial. That makes a little more sense. If they knew that, no matter what she said, she would not have an impact on the sentence, which is the point of a victim impact statement, why bother. I think I would have pitched a fit, as a parent, at the light sentence. I can't imagine a legitimate explanation for it, honestly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Now I think you’re talking about the victim, but don’t you want parents to blame their kid when they’re the perpetrator? It’s not a human scum move to try and examine a situation and motives to see if your child is culpable, it’s actually the right move. Too many people DON’T blame their kid when blame is due. I mean in a child molestation scenario. In an adult male molesting a kid situation, no, there is no way I am going to consider my kid as the perpetrator or instigator. Ever. Kid vs kid, sure, maybe. Kid versus adult, the adult is at fault. Period. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 There’s a pretty consistent trend of churches not being great to survivors or especially hard on abusers. Things are often steamrolled on the altar of forgiveness. In both sexual assault and domestic violence, many churches have a muddied history at best. I know a lot of women where them being raped or abused is seen as, in full or part, a sin on their part by their church. It’s appalling but it’s nothing new. Here’s an organization working to change this within communities of faith: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org This position on "forgiveness" is in such contradiction to scripture. I thought that the interview you linked did a great job of summing up what forgiveness really is: What does it mean to you that you forgive Larry Nassar? It means that I trust in God’s justice and I release bitterness and anger and a desire for personal vengeance. It does not mean that I minimize or mitigate or excuse what he has done. It does not mean that I pursue justice on earth any less zealously. It simply means that I release personal vengeance against him, and I trust God’s justice, whether he chooses to mete that out purely, eternally, or both in heaven and on earth. I also really appreciated this: Anything else you want our readers to know? First, the gospel of Jesus Christ does not need your protection. It defies the gospel of Christ when we do not call out abuse and enable abuse in our own church. Jesus Christ does not need your protection; he needs your obedience. Obedience means that you pursue justice and you stand up for the oppressed and you stand up for the victimized, and you tell the truth about the evil of sexual assault and the evil of covering it up. Second, that obedience costs. It means that you will have to speak out against your own community. It will cost to stand up for the oppressed, and it should. If we’re not speaking out when it costs, then it doesn’t matter to us enough. Thank you for the link - I'm going to explore that very thoroughly! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 They only decided that AFTER being told he wouldn't get jail time even if they did go to trial. Thank you for pointing that out. Somehow I had missed that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 This position on "forgiveness" is in such contradiction to scripture. I thought that the interview you linked did a great job of summing up what forgiveness really is: What does it mean to you that you forgive Larry Nassar? It means that I trust in God’s justice and I release bitterness and anger and a desire for personal vengeance. It does not mean that I minimize or mitigate or excuse what he has done. It does not mean that I pursue justice on earth any less zealously. It simply means that I release personal vengeance against him, and I trust God’s justice, whether he chooses to mete that out purely, eternally, or both in heaven and on earth. I also really appreciated this: Anything else you want our readers to know? First, the gospel of Jesus Christ does not need your protection. It defies the gospel of Christ when we do not call out abuse and enable abuse in our own church. Jesus Christ does not need your protection; he needs your obedience. Obedience means that you pursue justice and you stand up for the oppressed and you stand up for the victimized, and you tell the truth about the evil of sexual assault and the evil of covering it up. Second, that obedience costs. It means that you will have to speak out against your own community. It will cost to stand up for the oppressed, and it should. If we’re not speaking out when it costs, then it doesn’t matter to us enough. Thank you for the link - I'm going to explore that very thoroughly! FaithTrust is a great resource to share with churches and clergy. They have great materials to help clergy learn more about sexual abuse and DV and how to appropriately respond to it within their congregations. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Regarding the case in Oklahoma that was mentioned.... I have a lot of friends and family from OK in my FB feed, one of whom is a local tv news reporter, so I've been reading a LOT of outrage about that story today. And according to my reporter friend, the ADA who arranged that deal has stepped down. I think the judge should be investigated/censured too, but hey, at least that's something! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Regarding the case in Oklahoma that was mentioned.... I have a lot of friends and family from OK in my FB feed, one of whom is a local tv news reporter, so I've been reading a LOT of outrage about that story today. And according to my reporter friend, the ADA who arranged that deal has stepped down. I think the judge should be investigated/censured too, but hey, at least that's something! That’s a little bit of good news! Any talk of just how he managed to get that deal? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 That’s a little bit of good news! Any talk of just how he managed to get that deal? No, just confusion and bafflement on that point. Several people have said that this is not the first time that sexual assault has happened at Falls Creek, but I don’t know any details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 You know, that does give me a bit of hope. I like to think that if you aren't the kind of human scum that would automatically blame your own child, you also aren't the kind of woman to date a rapist or molester. I mean, who the hell blames their kid??? If your judgement is that bad in regards to your kid I guess I can see how it would be bad in regards to men and relationships too. You'd think. I just learned about someone (in their 60s) who as a teenager was assaulted by her sister's husband. He thought she was going to tell, so he preemptively "confessed" to his wife that she had come on to him and that he "couldn't help himself." The wife believed him and blamed her sister. Awful. They later divorced but this woman (the victim) has still never told her sister about the many times that she was assaulted by her bil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 The most thorough take on forgiveness in this situation that I have seen so far: (Christian content) http://thefederalist.com/2018/01/30/one-survivors-shows-forgive-monster-like-larry-nassar/#.WnB4AHIJjrM.facebook http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/january-web-only/rachael-denhollander-larry-nassar-forgiveness-gospel.html Given your concerns that Christians can use God’s call to forgive as a weapon against survivors, did you feel at all apprehensive telling Nassar that you forgive him? I did to an extent, because forgiveness can really be misapplied. Taken within the context of my statement, with the call for justice and with what I have done to couple forgiveness and justice, it should not be misunderstood. But I have found it very interesting, to be honest, that every single Christian publication or speaker that has mentioned my statement has only ever focused on the aspect of forgiveness. Very few, if any of them, have recognized what else came with that statement, which was a swift and intentional pursuit of God’s justice. Both of those are biblical concepts. Both of those represent Christ. We do not do well when we focus on only one of them. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/january-web-only/rachael-denhollander-larry-nassar-forgiveness-gospel.html Quote: One was from John 6, where Jesus asks Peter, “Do you want to leave too?†Peter says, “Where else would I go, Lord? You have the words of life.†There was a point in my faith where I had to simply cling to the fact that although I didn’t understand or have the answers, I knew that God was good and that he was love. Whatever else I didn’t understand couldn’t be a contradiction to that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/january-web-only/rachael-denhollander-larry-nassar-forgiveness-gospel.html Quote: Your impact statement ended with you asking how much a little girl is worth. How would you answer that question? From a Christian worldview, she’s made in the image of God. She has eternal and immeasurable value. That is why justice here on earth is always going to be incomplete: because there’s no way to bring full justice here on earth. That being said, God has instituted civil government for the purpose of reflecting his judgment, the best justice, to the best of our ability here on earth. And I think we saw that in the courtroom this week 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 You'd think. I just learned about someone (in their 60s) who as a teenager was assaulted by her sister's husband. He thought she was going to tell, so he preemptively "confessed" to his wife that she had come on to him and that he "couldn't help himself." The wife believed him and blamed her sister. Awful. They later divorced but this woman (the victim) has still never told her sister about the many times that she was assaulted by her bil. And wrt to why an adult would blame a child-- in the above incident it's likely the married sister was being abused in some way by the BIL as well. And I think people in abusive relationships sometimes make decisions that the rest of us can't understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aura Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Remember that guy that groped Taylor Swift? He was found guilty. But his new boss thinks he's innocent. This is another problem. I'm not saying the guy should never work again, but he shouldn't be working in the same type of job where he's given the opportunity to commit the same crime again. He's still not admitted any guilt or shown any remorse over what he did. Either the boss is really naive (I don't think that) or the boss doesn't really care (IMO, more likely). I hope people boycott that show. DJ who lost Taylor Swift groping case has a new job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 This makes me want to vomit. https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/01/us/larry-nassar-police-interview/index.html 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 This makes me want to vomit. https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/01/us/larry-nassar-police-interview/index.html Wow. The more I hear about that guy, the more warped he seems. :ack2: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Did y'll see the latest? The dad of three of the victim tried to attack the scumbucket. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Did y'll see the latest? The dad of three of the victim tried to attack the scumbucket. That poor father ..... I don't believe in vigilante justice but this situation makes me want to change my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/victims-father-charges-at-ex-usa-gymnastics-doctor-in-court/ar-BBIC8NW?ocid=sf The attack followed him begging the judge to give him one minute alone with the guy to beat him up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Did y'll see the latest? The dad of three of the victim tried to attack the scumbucket. https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/victims-father-charges-at-ex-usa-gymnastics-doctor-in-court/ar-BBIC8NW?ocid=sf The attack followed him begging the judge to give him one minute alone with the guy to beat him up. first he asked for five minutes. then one minute then he lunged. I hope they don't press charges against him. I think it was wrong - but I can certainly understand why he would want to physically assault him. there was a coach last week, I thought if he'd been alone with the creep, would have done a real number on him. with some of the things that have come out of the FEMALE defense attorney's mouth- it's sickening. she thinks he's a victim, and at least some of the girls are lying (and are just trying to get money) . .I hope she never has children. to have such a mother. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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