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Would you expect your spouse to read your school assignment without asking?


Miss Peregrine
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It's not that I didn't want him to read it. I wasn't given the choice. If he had asked I most likely would have let him. If I had said no it would not be because of the content but my insecurity about my writing. He knows  I am terrified at taking a writing class.

 

if he deliberately went looking for it on your computer - that is a symptom of a much bigger problem.  (and the reading of the assignment is the least of your worries.)

 

dh isn't allowed to offer me suggestions unless asked.  if he tries (occasionally.  he can't help himself.  especially if it's something he likes to do.)  I have no problem telling him to shut up. 

he also knows how stressful it was for me to take a class last semester, and how deeply insecure i was about being successful. (i was a poor student in high school and a previous attempt at college).  I did have to listen to repetitions about how he couldn't understand why it was stressful for me, because he sees me as being very competent.

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Hmm.  I'd like to think I'd never do this.

 

On the other had, I look in people's medicine cabinets, or sometimes their sink cupboards, when I am using their toilets.

 

It's a vice, I know.

 

ETA: Of course I never reveal what I see.

 

Self control helps with that.  And I would not reinvite someone who did that at my house.  If I knew about it, of course. 

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um... if this is a class assignment you have to turn into a professor, who is a stranger, why would you put anything in there you wouldn't want your dh to read?

 

no, it wouldn't bother me. I admit, I started getting perturbed at some of the assignment/topics a previous professor had wouldn't have had any issue with my dh reading or even talking to him - but the professor and other students in the group? yes, I object to that.

Because a stranger reading something is easier than someone close reading something.

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Dh and I have our own computers, both laptop and desk top and our own offices.  But we also have a secure family network and we store joint info there for the most part, if we remember to get it there- our music, photos, and documents we need to share like financial stuff and legal stuff and church stuff, etc.  My dh takes classes at times. I have taken classes at times.  I am certainly not really interested in his but  he could be in mine. I wouldn't really care because I trust my husband and he trusts me and neither of us are jealous or insecure about our relationship.  However, if someone is tending towards being suspicious or controlling or very jealous like described above or general trust issues in marriage,, I would think it was a good thing.

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My husband won't even go in my purse when I tell him to. It's funny but also can be annoying too. He seems to have a fear of the inside of women's purses. :D

 

Dh -Where's the checkbook?

Me - In my purse, next to my side of the bed.

Dh - :Gets my purse and hands it to me so I can get the checkbook out and give it to him: Sigh

My husband does the exact same thing! Drives me batty

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Hmm. I'd like to think I'd never do this.

 

On the other had, I look in people's medicine cabinets, or sometimes their sink cupboards, when I am using their toilets.

 

It's a vice, I know.

 

ETA: Of course I never reveal what I see.

 

I'm with Jean. I'd never invite you again, if I knew. Why do you keep doing this, and don't even mind admitting it?

 

You'd be disappointed at my house.

 

We don't have one of those small bathrooms for guests, unfortunately; guests must use the one full bathroom. But each family member keeps their toiletries and personal grooming gear, etc. in a ditty bag in their room (we also hang our bathrobes and towels in our rooms), and medicines are all in a locked cupboard in the kitchen.

 

The bathroom closet has clean towels and washcloths, extra soap, and several months supply of toilet paper.

 

We went to this system for three reasons:

 

1. Teens fussing over whether they'd used each other's razors or deodorant.

2. Meds don't belong in bathrooms, whether for children's safety or because the humidity is not good for pills.

3. Snooping guests!

Edited by Tibbie Dunbar
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Because a stranger reading something is easier than someone close reading something.

 

 

for some people.  maybe.  depending upon the subject.

 

I just had a class where we had multiple "reflective" writing assignments.  I came to loath them, and found them intrusive and an invasion of my privacy.   at that point, I gave much more "generic" answers and nothing of an actual personal nature.

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for some people. maybe. depending upon the subject.

 

I just had a class where we had multiple "reflective" writing assignments. I came to loath them, and found them intrusive and an invasion of my privacy. at that point, I gave much more "generic" answers and nothing of an actual personal nature.

I will be advising my kids to feel free to include fiction in reflective writing assignments.

 

Because no instructor has the right to require that degree of personal intrusiveness.

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I can't imagine being upset about this, mostly because I think it's nosey but not nefarious.  I would *totally* browse through my Dh's documents if he had a briefcase.  He's interesting!  The things he does and says and is involved in are interesting.  Maybe it's the difference between "nosey" and "snooping".  When I think of nosey, I think of casual interest, like you'd read letters your grandparents wrote to each other to know them better.  When I think of snooping, I think of purposefully digging around to find something unsavory. 

 

All that said, it's pretty known in our household that privacy between the two of us isn't really a thing and we like it that way.   

 

 

 

Edited by UnsinkableKristen
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Note to self...when Bluegoat comes over, put the good towels on top... :lol:

People going through my stuff honestly wouldn't bother me as much as someone going through my journal, my stories or my poems, at least the stuff in first or second draft state. Most of that stuff is right from the bottom of my heart or my imagination, and like the towels in the bathroom, the rattier stuff is on the bottom. 

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Hmm.  I'd like to think I'd never do this.

 

On the other had, I look in people's medicine cabinets, or sometimes their sink cupboards, when I am using their toilets.

 

It's a vice, I know.

 

ETA: Of course I never reveal what I see.

 

did you ever find someone's marbles in their medicine chest? 

miss manners advocates storing ones marbles in their medicine chest so people who like to snoop will having something (noisy) to find.   and they do make an awful racket - everyone will know the marbles have been found.

 

Self control helps with that.  And I would not reinvite someone who did that at my house.  If I knew about it, of course. 

 

 

marbles.

 

I've only ever looked in someone's cabinet because I was looking for TP, or a band aid.  or baking soda (specific reason I can't remember.  they were outside.  they were quite logical - first cabinet I tried.  very convenient.)  or of course - the trash.

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I will be advising my kids to feel free to include fiction in reflective writing assignments.

 

Because no instructor has the right to require that degree of personal intrusiveness.

 

 

I understand the reason they were doing it - they were really pushing personal growth.

 

but no, there is such a thing as "none of your business.".

 

I have to work with dudeling daily - that he can answer a question without being personal.  he refuses to ever answer questions because he thinks everything is personal.

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I'm with Jean. I'd never invite you again, if I knew. Why do you keep doing this, and don't even mind admitting it?

 

You'd be disappointed at my house.

 

We don't have one of those small bathrooms for guests, unfortunately; guests must use the one full bathroom. But each family member keeps their toiletries and personal grooming gear, etc. in a ditty bag in their room (we also hang our bathrobes and towels in our rooms), and medicines are all in a locked cupboard in the kitchen.

 

The bathroom closet has clean towels and washcloths, extra soap, and several months supply of toilet paper.

 

We went to this system for three reasons:

 

1. Teens fussing over whether they'd used each other's razors or deodorant.

2. Meds don't belong in bathrooms, whether for children's safety or because the humidity is not good for pills.

3. Snooping guests!

 

I suppose I am just curious. I can't say that I consider this a huge failing in the great scheme of things, though I realize some people find it nosy.   I'd not likely find anything that disappointed me - I think if I thought I would, I certainly wouldn't look.

 

Anyway, as far as reading things my dh left on the computer, I might look at his history or work, if I happened to be there anyway.  I'd tend to assume that anything really private would be in a place I'd not be able to see.

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Without reading other posts....

 

For a school assignment, it would not bother me at all that he read it, but it would REALLY bother me if he went looking for it specifically. For a school assignment, I would not be putting anything in the writing that I wouldn't want someone else to read anyway.

 

But, it bothers me when DH starts looking through my phone, I REALLY don't want him snooping through my computer. It's not that I have anything to HIDE from him. Rather, I want to talk to him about whatever he might find when I am ready to talk to him about it. If he finds something I am upset about, I want to be able to find the right words to be as clear as I can be. Basically.........I don't want him to read "rough drafts" that he might interpret differently than I mean.

 

So, it would bother me that he went through the computer looking....but specifically reading an assignment for a class, that wouldn't bother me at all.

Re the phone - I don't even like to let him hold it! Too many times I've tried to show him something on social media, only to have his fingers inadvertently "like" something! He doesn't use an iPhone so he's not as adept at avoiding those things.

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I will be advising my kids to feel free to include fiction in reflective writing assignments.

 

Because no instructor has the right to require that degree of personal intrusiveness.

Right. To be really creative, come up with a character for those sort of assignments. Then, like a good method actor, write them while completely in character.

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I wonder if people would see this differently if the paper was in a folder located in one's school bag or purse.  Unless I have the paper laying around on a table or my paper opened on a shared computer just hanging out there I would not expect my spouse to go rummaging through stuff to read it.  And this isn't about having anything to hide, but geesh. 

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Hmm, dh did NANOWRIMO one year and I still haven’t read his book yet. Haven’t gone looking for it and wouldn’t unless asked. I suspect dh would be the same way with anything I’ve written. We have each other’s passcodes and touch ids set-up on all the devices, but neither of us really does hunting around on the other’s devices.

 

I can see why it upsets you.

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I wanted to comment on this.  I would change it to "Most (if not all) women would be happy if their husband read their assignment after they asked him to and then complimented it."  The fact that you intimated in another post that  you hadn't even mentioned the assignment to him, smacks to me that he was looking for something when he came across it.  Did he need to be looking for something?  Like one of his own things that he needed to find?  Or was he looking to snoop as you also intimated?  Snooping is benign if you are snooping in the snack closet (or other common area) to find something to do or eat.  It is not benign when you are violating someone's privacy including your spouse.  I have a close relationship with my spouse but we still have some privacy within the marriage. 

 

I wrote it yesterday morning while he was at work. I left in the afternoon. When I got back he was home from work and that is literally the first thing he said to me.

We have one computer we share, though he rarely goes on it. He uses his phone, mostly. He has no need to make files.

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did you ever find someone's marbles in their medicine chest? 

miss manners advocates storing ones marbles in their medicine chest so people who like to snoop will having something (noisy) to find.   and they do make an awful racket - everyone will know the marbles have been found.

 

 

 

marbles.

 

I've only ever looked in someone's cabinet because I was looking for TP, or a band aid.  or baking soda (specific reason I can't remember.  they were outside.  they were quite logical - first cabinet I tried.  very convenient.)  or of course - the trash.

 

Yeah, I don't consider looking for TP if it were out, to be an invasion of privacy as such.  Or if it is, then I guess wanting my guests to have good hygiene trumps that.  Other things like needing an aspirin etc. or even having used the last of the toilet paper would come under "please ask" things for me.  If a guest asked me for pain meds or told me that the toilet paper was out etc. I would take care of their need.  I don't actually keep anything secret in my bathroom.  But it is private.  Private =/= secret.

 

Same for private thoughts.  They aren't secrets.  They are private.  Again - private =/= secret.  I do often share private thoughts with my dh or close friends.  Some private thoughts are better shared with my close girl friends because dh just wouldn't understand the perspective and I might be in a place where I really don't want to have to explain my thoughts.  And some private thoughts are better shared with dh. But not all private thoughts.  Some are just between God (who knows everything!) and myself. 

 

Now - I would not share those kinds of private thoughts online or with a professor.  But I wouldn't necessarily want my assignments critiqued (even if the critique was positive) by someone who I didn't ask for feedback from either.  So the OP's situation is a grey area for me because it was online and wasn't private in the sense that I usually think of privacy.  But the OP has also shared a long history of boundary crossing issues in the past so I could see how this would be uncomfortable. 

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Maybe she feels like he doesn’t trust her. That’s an uncomfortable feeling, even though she has nothing to hide. Also, isn’t she entitled to a bit of privacy?

 

What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

I don't share every single detail of my life with my DH but if he saw something personal on my computer like a website for say, a woman's health issue, I wouldn't care. It's personal but it's not some big secret that I feel like I have to keep private from him.

 

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My dh respects my personality for private.  I'm a INTJ.   There are only 2 reason he would initially  look 1.  He thinks I'm leaving him  2.  He thinks I'm flirting or having an affair.  He has insecurities.    

 

My dh works with pretty much all men for his whole work life.  SO these guys get to talking and make some guy start thinking things he shouldn't   They will even encourage him to start snooping    My dh went through this in our younger married life.  .  I've heard them all.  She gets a better education and more money.  She get new boobs (this one seems to be the biggest lead to divorce)   My wife meet a new guy at school. Basically is comes down to the women out grow their men with education or they get more self esteem from the boobs and leave.  

 

anyway  as someone that's been married forever .  I would talk with my husband see where he is coming from.

 

As for my dh he has mental health issues so I will always  be monitor everything for him . He has no privacy LOL But it also doesnt'  bother him cause he is a total extrovert.  I'm also better with computers than him.   

 

Also I never share private  stuff in a college paper.  I would make  up fiction.   My son is taking a writing class this semester.  I gave him the same advise.  Make it sound good LOL.  He had one to write where do you see your self in 10 years.  He is 21 and said I don't see a thing LOL.  SO that really want work.  

 

 

 

 

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If my dh did this, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

I don't have an opinion one way or the other on this happening in someone else's marriage. I would have to know their history and be there to see how it all happened to have a notion of whether it was out of bounds behavior.

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What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

I don't share every single detail of my life with my DH but if he saw something personal on my computer like a website for say, a woman's health issue, I wouldn't care. It's personal but it's not some big secret that I feel like I have to keep private from him.

 

 

I wouldn't care if dh saw something on my computer either. The issue here is he went looking. That just seems odd and frankly, rude.

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I wouldn't care if dh saw something on my computer either. The issue here is he went looking. That just seems odd and frankly, rude.

 

Yes.  I would wonder if he truly rarely went  on the computer or if he actually was checking the history regularly when the OP was gone.  If he really was looking for something of his own (I check my history sometimes to find a neat site that I had gone to and couldn't remember how to get back to) and came across this then I would no issue with it because the internet is not private.  If he was suspicious and was looking for something then there is an issue with his perception of the marriage or the actual marriage.  If he was bored and thought "I'm going to poke around and check up on my wife" then I see that as an issue as well.

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What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

Writing fiction that isn't ready to be read yet. Searching for his birthday gift. Googling really stupid questions and hoping nobody ever figures out she's the one who didn't know that obvious thing. Maintaining a private diary. Reading Twilight fanfiction. Participating in a long-running Neopets RP. Looking up recipes to gradually sneak more vegetables into her family's diet without alerting them to her long-term plan.

 

More importantly, some people are using the computer to plan how to escape abusive relationships. If the response to "I don't want my husband snooping" is "Gosh, what could she possibly be doing? If nothing is wrong, she should let him see!" then you're sending a message to abusive partners that their behavior is okay. And it's not.

 

Edited by Tanaqui
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What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

I don't share every single detail of my life with my DH but if he saw something personal on my computer like a website for say, a woman's health issue, I wouldn't care. It's personal but it's not some big secret that I feel like I have to keep private from him.

 

Obviously nothing, if I left my history on there.

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What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

 

 

I'm still my own person.  I'm not a piece of property.  I have a right to have whatever private writing I want without there being some requirement that I show my husband simply because he is my husband. 

 

I know my husband wouldn't care if I said no don't read it.  And I know he would not read it.  And this would go both ways. 

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What is she doing on her computer that she feels the need to keep it private from her own husband?

 

I don't share every single detail of my life with my DH but if he saw something personal on my computer like a website for say, a woman's health issue, I wouldn't care. It's personal but it's not some big secret that I feel like I have to keep private from him.

 

 

 

Others have already explained it better than I could:

 

 

I wouldn't care if dh saw something on my computer either. The issue here is he went looking. That just seems odd and frankly, rude.

  

Yes.  I would wonder if he truly rarely went  on the computer or if he actually was checking the history regularly when the OP was gone.  If he really was looking for something of his own (I check my history sometimes to find a neat site that I had gone to and couldn't remember how to get back to) and came across this then I would no issue with it because the internet is not private.  If he was suspicious and was looking for something then there is an issue with his perception of the marriage or the actual marriage.  If he was bored and thought "I'm going to poke around and check up on my wife" then I see that as an issue as well.

  

Writing fiction that isn't ready to be read yet. Searching for his birthday gift. Googling really stupid questions and hoping nobody ever figures out she's the one who didn't know that obvious thing. Maintaining a private diary. Reading Twilight fanfiction. Participating in a long-running Neopets RP. Looking up recipes to gradually sneak more vegetables into her family's diet without alerting them to her long-term plan.

 

More importantly, some people are using the computer to plan how to escape abusive relationships. If the response to "I don't want my husband snooping" is "Gosh, what could she possibly be doing? If nothing is wrong, she should let him see!" then you're sending a message to abusive partners that their behavior is okay. And it's not.

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I'm still my own person.  I'm not a piece of property.  I have a right to have whatever private writing I want without there being some requirement that I show my husband simply because he is my husband. 

 

I know my husband wouldn't care if I said no don't read it.  And I know he would not read it.  And this would go both ways. 

 

Yes, it's a respect issue. 

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So, I asked my husband:

 

If I were taking a creative writing class would you go on my computer, look in my history, find something I'd written, and read it without asking me?"

 

Good God, no.

 

If for some reason you did do that and I was upset, would you tell me that most women would be happy if their husband read their assignment and complimented it?

 

No. I'd apologize. Who does that?

 

When dh got home today I asked him generally the same thing and got the same general answers. He was a bit less effusive, but we’re sitting in the same room, doing parallel things and he’s playing a video game so...ya know.

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:Iagree:

The problem is that he went looking for something ‘incriminating’, if you will. His purpose was to find something not-so-nice about his *wife*. Miss Peregrine is a saint for not losing her ever-loving mind, because I would have.

Miss peregrine, :grouphug:

Believe me, it's on its way to lost.

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I think having a conversation with him about this would be tons more useful than starting a thread here and stewing more and more about it. This is your spouse, not a girlfriend who annoyed you. Talk to him.

My impression is that Amy started the thread because she was annoyed, but was wondering if others would agree that her feelings were reasonable before she said anything to her dh about it.

 

There is a bit of history here, so I can understand why she might have wanted some reassurance.

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  Reading Twilight fanfiction.  

 

and we know what your secret vice is  :001_tt2:  . . . ..... (says the girl who reads sg1  :blushing: )   :leaving: 

 

I wouldn't care if dh saw something on my computer either. The issue here is he went looking. That just seems odd and frankly, rude.

 

and indicative of a far larger problem than him reading her creative writing without her knowledge.

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Because a stranger reading something is easier than someone close reading something.

 

In some cases, this might be right, but I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of a healthy situation. College professors have been known to violate boundaries by asking students to write about highly personal experiences. I attended college, and sent my son to college, to get an education, not therapy. Professors aren't therapists and should be cautious about asking students to write personally revealing works. They could be causing all kinds of problems for students, and that is not their job. Students should be cautious about who they trust with the details about their personal lives, not all who ask deserve an answer. Assignments should reflect the content of the courses, not the voyeuristic desires of a nosy professor. 

Students who need assistance should be encouraged to visit the university counseling office, not spill their guts in a non-confidential setting in front of their professors and their peers. 

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Response: Most women would be happy if their husband didn't snoop through their computer history. :o

I presume he's happy for you to check his internet history?

 

I would feel, weird. Not about reading the document necessarily, but the snooping.

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