Do You Get Bogged Down In The Details?

[Kris]

Yes -- it's almost 4:00 in the morning here and I'm still up because I started a "quick" little project at 11:00 p.m. -- and just finished it. I think. I might need to take another peek at it.

 

I never get anything done because I spend so much time doing everything! And all that time is wasted because nothing is ever really finished! It's infuriating!

 

I learned about FlyLady from these boards, I think. I'd never heard of a control journal before and I thought that sounded like a great idea. Well, here I am, months later, and I have all kinds of lists and forms and binders going -- but I can't use any of them because nothing's finished! Nothing's right!

 

I came across this example of a home management binder a few weeks ago. She goes through, section by section -- with photos! -- of what she's done. It's wonderful! And she finishes up by saying, "And that, darlings, is my messy but functioning home management notebook!" She's right -- it isn't perfect! She's got scribbles and wrinkled pages and at one point she's got a page in her binder that she didn't even punch the holes for! She just squished it on there! How cool is that?!

 

The thing is, when I was looking at her pictures, I never thought, "How does she handle that being so messy like that?" It never crossed my mind until *she* said something about how it wasn't perfect! I just thought it was so nifty! And then I thought, "She's right! It doesn't have to be all neet and perfect. . . I can do that!"

 

Well, I THOUGHT I could! But here I am weeks later with the same mass of pages and stuff and stuff and STUFF but nothing I can use because I'm STILL messing with it! And stuff that *was* done isn't done anymore because I have to tweak this and mess with that. And I keep starting over. *sigh* I spent one whole evening working on this thing just trying to decide what my divider tabs should say and what position they should be in! Good GRIEF!

 

And then there was the thing with the page protectors. I already had bunches of them and I got my dry erase markers. But if you use page protectors they stick out too far and you can't see the divider tabs. This little detail stopped everything short for days while I tried to figure out what to do about THAT! So then, I gathered up my courage and cut off the sticky-out-part, and just punched holes through the page and the vinyl and everything -- so now they fit. And I'm happy with it! But I was *literally* shaking while I was cutting those silly things off because I was afraid they wouldn't be straight and they'd look messy -- so guess what? They aren't straight and they look messy!

 

But even with this "everything has to be perfect" THING going on, my house is a catastrophe! Which is part of the reason I was trying FlyLady in the first place! But that 15 minute thing? HAH! I have a little watch and I set the timer like I'm supposed to, but I'm always doing something when it goes off and I think -- I'll just finish up this one little thing. Next thing I know, it's an hour later.

 

I've been doing genealogical research for five years. A couple of months ago I started organizing all my research *again* -- starting from square one. Why? I dunno -- it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. So I have piles and piles and PILES of papers here to deal with -- but while I'm doing that, I'm thinking -- hum -- I need to check on that -- and off I go again.

 

The thing is, I don't even realize I've gone off on a tangent like that until the sun is coming up. I was going to be in bed before midnight last night. I was going to be in bed before midnight *every* night this past week! I did manage it one night -- but that's only because I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore!

 

What is *wrong* with me?! And what do I do about it? I'm sick of it!

 

:rant:

[TCoppock]

Kris I feel your pain. Although I am not a perfectionist in every aspect of my life the places I am never seem to be accomplished to my standards. I get this personality trait from my dad. If it makes you feel any better he has been fixing my parents kitchen for over 10 years.

[Blessedfamily]

I am a perfectionist, which means I never get anything done because I can never meet my own expectations.

 

Period.

[Trivium Academy]

Sometimes, for me, the planning and getting something ready is a way to avoid 'just doing it' and to prolong the pleasure of feeling like I have it together. Putting together a home management book, that is an accomplishment and I would enjoy doing that- it's the actual home management that I wouldn't enjoy so much. :blush:

 

I've seen others' books but I've accepted a few things:

1. I'm not a fill in the blank type person, I like making charts and just having checklists.

2. I'm not going to follow anything I create 100%, 100% of the time so when I am creating, I try to make it as practical as I can for me, considering my strengths and weaknesses.

3. I've realized sometimes I 'create' projects for myself, because it's fun or because I'm bored. :blush: BUT, in the end...I do learn and feel better overall so as long as I'm keeping my priorities in order- I'm okay knowing that some projects ARE a waste of time.

 

Get some sleep!

[mamaof2andtwins]

Yes, it is perfectionism, and it is a terrible monster to slay.

 

I can spin my wheels doing but never accomplishing anything. I was "working" on lesson planning for about 8 hours yesterday.

 

I understand completely.

 

Best wishes,

[KidsHappen]

I used to be that way but the older I got and the more kids I had the less time I had to worry about things like that. I currently have 11 things on my to-do list for today on top of schooling. These are things that have to be done today and some are a bit of a project. I need to take at least a small nap as I didn't sleep at all last night and I am bi-polar. I have serious mood disruptions without any sleep. I don't know which is worse though. Not accomplishing everything you would like because you can't do it perfectly or because you simply do not have the time and energy. I understand though. :)

[siloam]

Sometimes, for me, the planning and getting something ready is a way to avoid 'just doing it' and to prolong the pleasure of feeling like I have it together. Putting together a home management book, that is an accomplishment and I would enjoy doing that- it's the actual home management that I wouldn't enjoy so much. :blush:

 

I've seen others' books but I've accepted a few things:

1. I'm not a fill in the blank type person, I like making charts and just having checklists.

2. I'm not going to follow anything I create 100%, 100% of the time so when I am creating, I try to make it as practical as I can for me, considering my strengths and weaknesses.

3. I've realized sometimes I 'create' projects for myself, because it's fun or because I'm bored. :blush: BUT, in the end...I do learn and feel better overall so as long as I'm keeping my priorities in order- I'm okay knowing that some projects ARE a waste of time.

 

Get some sleep!

 

What Jessica said. Most of the time you just have to DO it not plan it.

 

Heather

[bumbledeb]

I'd like to get back the countless hours of my life I've spent making plans and lists and amazing feats of organization.

 

I just do the stuff that needs doing now - no need to plan or schedule, just do it as it needs done.

[KrissiK]

I can really tend toward that way and I get really stressed out and depressed. I was in therapy about that once and my therapist told me to just flake on something once in a while. Give myself permission to flake. And then realize that the world hasn't come to an end. It helps. It's a discipline and it's not easy to reprogram your way of thinking. But in the end it's worth it.

[melissel]

I am a perfectionist, which means I never get anything done because I can never meet my own expectations.

 

Period.

 

My people!!! I've found you at last!! We should start a social group. This is totally me, and starting the HSing journey has really made me come to terms with it. Well, OK, not come to terms with it so much as...allow myself to see it. What Jessica said about the planning being a way to avoid the doing--totally true. I could spend all day looking at HSing sites (read: here) and writing in my blog and making lesson plans, and at the end of the day realize we never actually did school :blushing: I'm working on it! It's hard.

 

I learned about FlyLady from these boards, I think. I'd never heard of a control journal before and I thought that sounded like a great idea. Well, here I am, months later, and I have all kinds of lists and forms and binders going -- but I can't use any of them because nothing's finished! Nothing's right!

 

I'm :smilielol5: because that's where I got hung up with Flylady too. You should see what I went through this last year with my planner project. DH could give you an earful. I wanted to create a planner that combined a Motivated Moms type planner with a home planner (apoointments, to-do list etc.), but I also needed a way to include something for my work obligations. Sweet pete! It took me almost two years, but I'll be darned if I didn't perfect it. It's aaaaaalmost exactly what I need, but even I know it would be ridiculous to spend anymore time on it. Still, I occasionally find myself on the DIY Planner and Daytimer sites, just wondering... :tongue_smilie:

 

I will say, though, that I reread the Flylady book last month, and it was interesting and inspiring, but here's what I took away from it that's most important: her mantra. Even housework done incorrectly still blesses your family. It's hard to keep remembering that, because I'm the person who will reclean the bathroom after DH goes to work because he did a crummy job the first time (only when guests are coming though!). But I'm trying to remember it, and apply it to other things as well.

 

It's a journey, I guess!

[Tutor]

I am a perfectionist, which means I never get anything done because I can never meet my own expectations.

 

Period.

 

Yup. Same here... although half the time I don't even bother starting because I figure, "Why bother." :glare:

[Mabeline]

I jsut wanted to say, I'm glad it's not just me. Sometimes I think I am just too lazy to do stuff, but when cleaning up one room can take 3 hours, its hard to get the energy to tackle the rest of the list.

[Kris]

Kris I feel your pain. Although I am not a perfectionist in every aspect of my life the places I am never seem to be accomplished to my standards. I get this personality trait from my dad. If it makes you feel any better he has been fixing my parents kitchen for over 10 years.

 

Yes! That *does* make me feel better! When we were working on this house -- and no, it's still not finished! -- my husband's friend, who was helping us with it, used to make comments to him along the lines of, "Well, I think we know what we're doing, but we need to get it finished quick before she has time to change her mind!" Part of the problem, I know, is that I can't visualize things -- they never come out the way I think they will. I used to sew all the time and the patterns were great and the fabric was great -- the end result just usually wasn't great. Solved that problem by switching to quilts. :lol:

 

I think I get this from my mom. She said once that perfectionists never get anything done because it can never be good enough. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist because everything is such a mess! Hum . . .

[Kris]

I am a perfectionist, which means I never get anything done because I can never meet my own expectations.

 

Period.

 

:grouphug:

[melissel]

I think I get this from my mom. She said once that perfectionists never get anything done because it can never be good enough. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist because everything is such a mess! Hum . . .

 

And that right there is a key trait of the perfectionist. I bet you're hard to buy gifts for too :D

[Kris]

Sometimes, for me, the planning and getting something ready is a way to avoid 'just doing it' and to prolong the pleasure of feeling like I have it together. Putting together a home management book, that is an accomplishment and I would enjoy doing that- it's the actual home management that I wouldn't enjoy so much. :blush:

 

Oooooo! That's something to think about! Thank you!!

 

I really do need some kind of something for that -- even if the "home management" part never materializes. I realized that if something happened to me, my guys would be clueless. For one thing, my son would have had no idea how to get hold of my husband! Well, that's not quite the case now that we got the cell phones -- he knows what the "quick key" is for my husband's phone. I have managed to come up with a page of phone numbers and am working on a page for our bills with account numbers and due dates. I consider it a great accomplishment that the contact numbers page is *not* typed! :lol:

 

I've seen others' books but I've accepted a few things:

1. I'm not a fill in the blank type person, I like making charts and just having checklists.

2. I'm not going to follow anything I create 100%, 100% of the time so when I am creating, I try to make it as practical as I can for me, considering my strengths and weaknesses.

 

Yes -- this is part of what has slowed me down. I probably have a lot more weaknesses than strengths. :lol:

 

"Tweaking" others' lists has taken on a life of it's own.

 

3. I've realized sometimes I 'create' projects for myself, because it's fun or because I'm bored. :blush: BUT, in the end...I do learn and feel better overall so as long as I'm keeping my priorities in order- I'm okay knowing that some projects ARE a waste of time.

 

Thank you for saying this. It does make me feel better. Yes, some of my "projects" ARE probably a waste of time -- but they were/are fun and I *do* like doing them! Now, I guess, I just have to work on the "priorities" part. :D

 

Get some sleep!

 

Too much this time! But that's okay, too. I can't go to bed at 5:00 a.m. anymore and get up at 8:00 and function at all. :001_smile:

 

Thank you!

[Kris]

Yes, it is perfectionism, and it is a terrible monster to slay.

 

I can spin my wheels doing but never accomplishing anything. I was "working" on lesson planning for about 8 hours yesterday.

 

I understand completely.

 

Best wishes,

 

I won't bore you with my lesson planning sagas. I've spent more time on that than The Kid has spent doing the lessons! Sheesh!

 

Thanks. :001_smile:

[Kris]

I used to be that way but the older I got and the more kids I had the less time I had to worry about things like that. I currently have 11 things on my to-do list for today on top of schooling. These are things that have to be done today and some are a bit of a project. I need to take at least a small nap as I didn't sleep at all last night and I am bi-polar. I have serious mood disruptions without any sleep. I don't know which is worse though. Not accomplishing everything you would like because you can't do it perfectly or because you simply do not have the time and energy. I understand though. :)

 

That is so true! I don't know which is worse, either!

 

I *can* say that, at least in the past few years, I've at least learned to expect less from *other* people -- including, and especially, my son. It hasn't been easy! You can say "I don't expect anything from anyone else that I'm not willing to do myself" -- well, taking a look at what I expect from myself (and realizing I had become my mother after all -- which was *not* a good thing) . . .

 

That in itself has been a big job that I haven't always been successful at -- but I haven't given up on that one yet.

[Kris]

My people!!! I've found you at last!! We should start a social group. This is totally me, and starting the HSing journey has really made me come to terms with it. Well, OK, not come to terms with it so much as...allow myself to see it. What Jessica said about the planning being a way to avoid the doing--totally true. I could spend all day looking at HSing sites (read: here) and writing in my blog and making lesson plans, and at the end of the day realize we never actually did school :blushing: I'm working on it! It's hard.

 

Are we sisters? :lol:

 

 

I'm :smilielol5: because that's where I got hung up with Flylady too. You should see what I went through this last year with my planner project. DH could give you an earful. I wanted to create a planner that combined a Motivated Moms type planner with a home planner (apoointments, to-do list etc.), but I also needed a way to include something for my work obligations. Sweet pete! It took me almost two years, but I'll be darned if I didn't perfect it. It's aaaaaalmost exactly what I need, but even I know it would be ridiculous to spend anymore time on it. Still, I occasionally find myself on the DIY Planner and Daytimer sites, just wondering... :tongue_smilie:

I guess I still have over a year to go then, eh? :lol:

 

I will say, though, that I reread the Flylady book last month, and it was interesting and inspiring, but here's what I took away from it that's most important: her mantra. Even housework done incorrectly still blesses your family. It's hard to keep remembering that, because I'm the person who will reclean the bathroom after DH goes to work because he did a crummy job the first time (only when guests are coming though!). But I'm trying to remember it, and apply it to other things as well.

 

It's a journey, I guess!

Thank you for reminding me of this! And just to show you the time you took to type it wasn't wasted -- I just did 30 minutes in the living room! Fifteen wasn't enough, and the windows aren't washed and the ceiling isn't wiped, and I didn't vaccum under the sofa and I didn't . . . well, I didn't do a *lot* of stuff! BUT it's much nicer in there now for our new "family night!"

 

Thanks for the reminder!!!

[Kris]

Yup. Same here... although half the time I don't even bother starting because I figure, "Why bother." :glare:

 

*sigh* This is my "office." It's piled. PILED! Books, papers, "stuff" that I can't let go, but I don't know where I want to put it. I do look at it -- every day -- and think "I need to do something with this" -- but why bother? It would be one of my "hot spots" for sure -- everything ends up in here. But 15 minutes a day? I'd get bogged down in here, for sure.

[Kris]

I jsut wanted to say, I'm glad it's not just me. Sometimes I think I am just too lazy to do stuff, but when cleaning up one room can take 3 hours, its hard to get the energy to tackle the rest of the list.

 

How about -- it can take three hours to tackle one room, and then it needs to be done again before you're even finished?! ARGH! We live on a dirt road and have three dogs. One of them is smart enough I could probably teach her to wipe her feet before she came in, but I can't teach any of them to stop shedding!

 

Am I rationalizing when I say there's no point in starting because there will never be any finishing? :D

[Kris]

And that right there is a key trait of the perfectionist. I bet you're hard to buy gifts for too :D

 

Yup -- I'm busted. It's horrible! Fortunately, Sweetie and I have worked this out. I just buy my own gifts. :lol: I know it sounds terrible, but he likes it that way! And since I don't really have any friends, I don't have to worry about getting anything from anyone else. Dad just sends a gift card every Christmas.

 

Although I did kind of mess up --

 

In working on yet *another* calendar, I called someone to ask about birthdays for mutual acquaintances and I'm such a clod at this "social" thing, I ended up telling her when mine is. Oh, I hope hope HOPE she doesn't get me anything or try to do anything special -- that just makes me feel so weird! But she's almost entered "friend" territory. :001_smile:

[melissel]

Yup -- I'm busted. It's horrible! Fortunately, Sweetie and I have worked this out. I just buy my own gifts. :lol: I know it sounds terrible, but he likes it that way! And since I don't really have any friends, I don't have to worry about getting anything from anyone else. Dad just sends a gift card every Christmas.

 

Although I did kind of mess up --

 

In working on yet *another* calendar, I called someone to ask about birthdays for mutual acquaintances and I'm such a clod at this "social" thing, I ended up telling her when mine is. Oh, I hope hope HOPE she doesn't get me anything or try to do anything special -- that just makes me feel so weird! But she's almost entered "friend" territory. :001_smile:

 

Oh, that's so something I would do, and then I'd sweat about it for weeks afterward. You know, I don't think we're sisters. I think we might be long-lost twins! I'm the same exact way about gifts; DH hates it. And I have no poker face with gifts either, so my MIL can always tell when I'm like, "Oooh, that's great, I've been dying for one of these...things...!" *sigh*

 

You know, it's funny, I went back and looked at the link you posted for that blogger's home management binder. (I couldn't stop myself. I tried though!) Just looking at it, with all the scribbling and the little pictures and the columns that didn't line up evenly...it made me twitchy. It seriously did. I wanted to reach in and fix it. I may have a more serious problem than I thought! My poor children are so doomed :rolleyes:

[Kris]

Oh, that's so something I would do, and then I'd sweat about it for weeks afterward. You know, I don't think we're sisters. I think we might be long-lost twins! I'm the same exact way about gifts; DH hates it. And I have no poker face with gifts either, so my MIL can always tell when I'm like, "Oooh, that's great, I've been dying for one of these...things...!" *sigh*

 

I don't know about my poker face -- I'd like to *think* I pull it off because I really do appreciate things that people do for me! But I wouldn't be surprised to find I'm not very good at it. :lol:

 

You know, it's funny, I went back and looked at the link you posted for that blogger's home management binder. (I couldn't stop myself. I tried though!) Just looking at it, with all the scribbling and the little pictures and the columns that didn't line up evenly...it made me twitchy. It seriously did. I wanted to reach in and fix it. I may have a more serious problem than I thought! My poor children are so doomed :rolleyes:

 

Well, then, obviously you are lost, but there's still hope for me! :lol: I really did love her little pictures and scribbles -- I was awestruck at how she was able to do that, be happy with it, *and* share it! I had no desire at all to try to fix it! But then, I've been slapped enough times trying to "fix things" for people . . . :D

 

If my son is any indication, your kids will survive just fine! I don't think there's a perfectionist bone in his body, if his room is any indication. "Huh? Looks okay to me!"

[Chris in VA]

Y'know what's funny? I can't figure out what part of the binder (in the link) you think is messy and needs fixing? :lol:

 

I found that I am very visual--so I can't keep things in a binder. I need things where I can see them. A bulletin board would work, but I use the refrig. I write phone numbers (emergency, my work, the school, the Dr. etc) right on the wall (it's tile) by the phone. If I put something in a drawer, I will forget it. I do have a planner (teaching preschool for one more week), but I have to see the whole month at a glance. I set everything up for my visual style, and I leave things out.

 

You'll get there, once you accept who you are. The perfectionism thing--I have a friend like that. It's a hard way to live.

 

Also, while reading your post, it occurred to me that you sound a little easily distracted--Is there ADD in your family? I may be wrong, but I've heard folks with mild ADD can actually manifest perfectionism as a trait--what do you think? No judgement here--I once was talking to my husband about being distracted and suddenly (really, truly) said," Oh look--a squirrel's on the line!" He laughed for about an hour. I usually find myself distracted when I don't want to do what I have to do--my rebellion manifests as flitting from thing to thing to avoid the agony of the task at hand.

[Kris]

Y'know what's funny? I can't figure out what part of the binder (in the link) you think is messy and needs fixing? :lol:

 

*That* is kewl! You're right -- it is funny! And wonderful! And since I'm working on my "positive attitude" stuff -- I *won't* give you the list of all the things that *could* be done. :lol:

 

I found that I am very visual--so I can't keep things in a binder. I need things where I can see them. A bulletin board would work, but I use the refrig. I write phone numbers (emergency, my work, the school, the Dr. etc) right on the wall (it's tile) by the phone. If I put something in a drawer, I will forget it. I do have a planner (teaching preschool for one more week), but I have to see the whole month at a glance. I set everything up for my visual style, and I leave things out.

 

I was thinking of getting a board to put next to the phone -- I won't go into all the issues I ran into -- or, rather, all the ones I created for myself! I like to see the whole month at once, too, but the squares are too small! I like the "week-at-a-glance" thing because there's more room to put things on there, but then I always feel like I'm "missing something." You can go 'round and 'round with this stuff with very little effort and some practice. :lol:

 

You'll get there, once you accept who you are. The perfectionism thing--I have a friend like that. It's a hard way to live.

 

Like one person said a long time ago -- who apparently "got it" long before I did -- "Wow! It just *sucks* to be you!" :lol: Actually, I feel sorry for my guys, now that the light bulb is coming on. Thank goodness they've hung in there!

 

Also, while reading your post, it occurred to me that you sound a little easily distracted--Is there ADD in your family? I may be wrong, but I've heard folks with mild ADD can actually manifest perfectionism as a trait--what do you think? No judgement here--I once was talking to my husband about being distracted and suddenly (really, truly) said," Oh look--a squirrel's on the line!" He laughed for about an hour. I usually find myself distracted when I don't want to do what I have to do--my rebellion manifests as flitting from thing to thing to avoid the agony of the task at hand.

 

LOL! That *is* funny! I totally "get" the flitting thing!

 

I didn't get "judgment" at all -- no problem. Actually, I was looking into this lately because someone said something about my son, and I did have a couple of "Ah HA!" moments. But the whole issue is so confusing, I ended up giving up and just resolving to have more patience with him, and I'm working on coping mechanisms to help him stay focused.

 

As for me, if there is any ADD in the family, we wouldn't have known about it -- we were "before ADD" in that no one would have noticed back then. I think you're right, there is something going on, but I wouldn't know how to label it. And it wasn't always like this. Everything worked fine until I got pregnant -- and since then there's a stranger here and I don't think I'll ever figure out who she is. I even had one doctor tell me he thought I might have had a stroke! *That* was scary!