Menu
Jump to content
ATTENTION: Forums search will not work until re-indexing is completed. Please follow these instructions for search
Jean in Newcastle

College vist by self or with mom?

Recommended Posts

Ds20 has been accepted to an out of state college, offered a scholarship and is being offered a ticket to fly him out to see the school next month.  He's Aspie but very capable and independent.  People have asked if I'm going too.  Should I?  What should I consider in this regard?  (My own experience was flying 4600 miles on my own to go to a college I had never seen before so I have no real experience with this.) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My DD was offered a plane ticket with an acceptance letter -- the school really took care of everything as far as arranging airport pickup and dropoff, staying with a student, food service meals, and such. Check and see what's provided in the program he's flying out for. You shouldn't have to go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

I’ve been back and forth on this issue, for similar reasons. How does DS feel about going alone?

 

My son doesn’t want to go alone, although on any tours and visits so far he’s done parts on his own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does he want you to go? Or not?

 

Is it a full ride scholarship? Or will you and your DH be funding part of it in any significant way? DH and I generally feel that if our money is involved we should at least have a look.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve been back and forth on this issue, for similar reasons. How does DS feel about going alone?

 

My son doesn’t want to go alone, although on any tours and visits so far he’s done parts on his own.

 

I haven't asked him yet.  This has sort of exploded.  It's actually kind of funny.  He was contacting them wanting to know more information.  He didn't realize that he was applying.  I knew that he was but didn't know that he didn't know.  I mean, why else would he be sending off his transcript etc?  But anyway. . . he was so surprised when one day later he was accepted and offered a scholarship and a ticket to see the school! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does he want you to go? Or not?

 

Is it a full ride scholarship? Or will you and your DH be funding part of it in any significant way? DH and I generally feel that if our money is involved we should at least have a look.

 

It is not full ride.  But it is enough that his tuition would be the same as it has been at the community college where he's been going on his own dime.  We will try to support him with some money but we don't have a lot to offer. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does he want you to go? Or not?

 

Is it a full ride scholarship? Or will you and your DH be funding part of it in any significant way? DH and I generally feel that if our money is involved we should at least have a look.

 

:iagree: This is how I feel.  Before we pony up a boat load of money, I want to have a sense it is a really good fit.  I would have to have a very mature, self motivated kid not to want to make the trip if it is serious contender.  I would allow my kids to do college visits with friends or groups, but if they liked one, we'd go back and look together. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anything significant that you think he might miss if you were not there? Absent that, I would say don't go. As you said, he's capable and independent and it sounds like the trip would be a rather significant blow to your budget. It might be better to save the money and use it to help him out in other ways.

 

N.B.: This from the mom who would probably hyperventilate and die at the very thought. So take what I say with a HUGE grain of salt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:iagree: This is how I feel.  Before we pony up a boat load of money, I want to have a sense it is a really good fit.  I would have to have a very mature, self motivated kid not to want to make the trip if it is serious contender.  I would allow my kids to do college visits with friends or groups, but if they liked one, we'd go back and look together. 

 

 

LOL - I guess this helps me to see that I have a very different view of college.  If my young adult couldn't make that decision on fit on his own then I don't see him as being ready for college.  But we don't have a boatload of money to pony up so that might influence my decision. 

 

Perhaps my views are also colored by having put independence as the biggest priority for my Aspie in his last years of high school.  I purposefully have had him take the reins on all sorts of things like getting jobs and applying to his current college and navigating the disability resources etc. and he has taken on the challenges.  He's not perfect and there have been certainly a lot of learning going on.  I do worry about some things with the prospect of him going away to school but those are things that would be issues for him regardless of where he goes to school. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anything significant that you think he might miss if you were not there? Absent that, I would say don't go. As you said, he's capable and independent and it sounds like the trip would be a rather significant blow to your budget. It might be better to save the money and use it to help him out in other ways.

 

N.B.: This from the mom who would probably hyperventilate and die at the very thought. So take what I say with a HUGE grain of salt.

 

I was thinking that I would go to help get him settled at school if/when he actually goes there.  So I guess I was thinking to save my money for that. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He's 20, so he's not 17 fresh out of high school.

You say he's already taking college classes, so he already kinda knows what to expect (though Community College and living at home is different from living on campus.)

You've taught him to be independent.

You expect him to be able to think and decide for himself.

 

However...if I was going to go to college, I'd want my DH to tag along on the trip to give me feedback and a second set of eyes.  Or I'd want a friend to go.  I'm independent to a fault about things (at least my DH and friends tell me so), but I think I'd like to have someone with me for that sort of decision, just for the feedback.

 

So....does he want you there?  Just as a "Friend who is looking out for him" and not as "Mom who is making the decision"?  Or will he revel in the independence and will not want you there slowing him down?  

 

Will he be able to pay for it alone?  You say he's paying for his CC education now.  Is that because he has a local job?  Will he be able to get a job near the other college?  Or will you step up and pay for more of it?  Because that would play into it, too.  If you're talking about helping him out more with a lot of money, then that might tip the scales into you going.  But if you're only going to give a little bit, then it might not matter to you as much where he goes.

 

Personally, if my son wasn't against me going, I'd go with the mindset of being a friend who is helping him make the decision and acting as a sounding board for him and not as mom with the purse strings controlling things.  

Edited by Garga

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ds20 has been accepted to an out of state college, offered a scholarship and is being offered a ticket to fly him out to see the school next month.  He's Aspie but very capable and independent.  People have asked if I'm going too.  Should I?  What should I consider in this regard?  (My own experience was flying 4600 miles on my own to go to a college I had never seen before so I have no real experience with this.) 

 

My oldest did one of those visits on her own. It went just fine! I assume that this is probably a special weekend with activities where they are bringing in multiple accepted students?

 

The kids were accompanied by either me or my husband for the remainder of the college visits, including the ones where the college paid for the plane and lodging. But that was just because we like to go and see colleges, lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My DD made her last college visit by herself. The visit was late in April and halfway across the US. We had already done all of the preliminary research, had the financial aid package, and had meet alumnae and students from the college a couple of times. This visit was about fit and how comfortable she was in making the trip by herself.

 

Though 17, she less than a month away from completing an AA program and having visited a number of colleges with me was very clear about what she was looking for in a college, most of which were intangibles and I could not help with those.

 

The trip went well even though her return flight was delayed enough that she was technically going to miss her connector, the last flight of the night. DH ended up driving four hours to pick her up as we weren’t ready for her to spend the night at the airport alone.

 

This visit confirmed to all of us that she was ready to attend a college on the coast.

Edited by Arch at Home

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LOL - I guess this helps me to see that I have a very different view of college.  If my young adult couldn't make that decision on fit on his own then I don't see him as being ready for college.  But we don't have a boatload of money to pony up so that might influence my decision. 

 

Perhaps my views are also colored by having put independence as the biggest priority for my Aspie in his last years of high school.  I purposefully have had him take the reins on all sorts of things like getting jobs and applying to his current college and navigating the disability resources etc. and he has taken on the challenges.  He's not perfect and there have been certainly a lot of learning going on.  I do worry about some things with the prospect of him going away to school but those are things that would be issues for him regardless of where he goes to school. 

 

Well, I'm touring with a junior that has changed a bunch in the past year and I suspect he will mature a bunch more over the next year.  He is a kid looking at very particular music programs and would prefer to be in a major city.  He also regularly tests > 99% and is kind of quirky.  I would say right now he is a bit short sighted when thinking about his academics and social needs looking at colleges.  And I also say that as someone who had to transfer after my first year of college because of poor choice.  My 2nd choice was marginally better.  I wish I would have had parents interested in the process.  My kid is excited about college and wants to go and is pulling a 4.0 in dual enrollment classes at a community college.  So, despite his needing some guidance through this process, I do think he will be more than ready to go.  I also think in this day and age, unless you're completely cutting a kid completely loose, the finances are not to be walked without some careful guidance.  I've talked to plenty of parents who don't even seem to know what they're getting into and signing off on. 

 

What's good about my kid is he is not impressed by big names or test scores.  He has an eye toward the fit he wants.  I just want to make sure he is considering the FULL picture.  I think if he doesn't fall into a quirky cohort of like minded friends pretty quickly it may not go well for him. 

 

Ultimately, I think know your own kid.  They're all not fully baked and fully mature at the same moment in time. 

Edited by WoolySocks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this isn't really about independence or maturity level. Deciding where to attend college is a pretty darn big financial and life decision. Having someone along who might notice things he doesn't or who might think to ask something he wouldn't isn't really about independence or maturity level. It's simply about having another set of eyes, another brain, another POV along to stimulate the thought process.  It's not about making the final decision for him.

 

DS22 is in his senior year, has had a full time job lined up for months and is now starting to look for apartments and he asked us to come along even though he'll be making a very good salary and rent won't be a crimp in his budget. He realizes DH and I have a lot more experience in these things than he does. That's showing maturity! Plus it's more fun to look with someone along, especially when you know they'll buy your lunch. ;)

 

Edited by Pawz4me

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I loved going with our kids and seeing the campus myself.  We'd discuss pros and cons together afterward.  Often one of us would have noticed something the other didn't.

 

That said, there are several kids in similar situations who go on visits by themselves and do just fine.  Colleges seem to go out of their way to be sure to take care of them.  Sometimes they come back liking a school and sometimes not - or anywhere in between.  So, if it's a money or timing issue where going is a hardship, there shouldn't be a problem as long as he's ok going by himself.  Have him call you if he's free in the evening and share via phone (if that's something y'all like doing).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And thank you all for the well wishes.  There are a lot of moving parts (as you all know) aside from the college visit that we are working on before he (with our input) can make a decision. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats.

 

My Aspie is off to school in another state (private though) and has been there a week.  I think it is going well?????   :lol:   

 

We did attend the college tour, actually an open house, and they had sessions for parents.  That really sold US on the school as well as my son.

Edited by DawnM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was browsing on the Texas A&M University web site today and saw a photo of a student with a sign that says, "Do more than a campus visit! Spend some time here!"

 

  http://www.aggiebound.com/

 

IMO, if one can do that, preferably when classes are in session, that is the ideal situation.

 

I agree with others that sometimes 2 people will "catch" or "capture" different things that are said or seen.  4 eyes can be better than 2 eyes and 4 ears can be better than 2 ears.

 

It should be up to the student involved, whether or not mom goes.

 

GL to your DS!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats.

 

My Aspie is off to school in another state (private though) and has been there a week.  I think it is going well?????   :lol:   

 

We did attend the college tour, actually an open house, and they had sessions for parents.  That really sold US on the school as well as my son.

 

This is a small private Christian college.  Small is better for my Aspie and he recognizes that.  A lot will depend on some financing things that are in motion because he will not be able to go to school halftime and work halftime like he is now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LOL - I guess this helps me to see that I have a very different view of college.  If my young adult couldn't make that decision on fit on his own then I don't see him as being ready for college.  But we don't have a boatload of money to pony up so that might influence my decision. 

 

Perhaps my views are also colored by having put independence as the biggest priority for my Aspie in his last years of high school.  I purposefully have had him take the reins on all sorts of things like getting jobs and applying to his current college and navigating the disability resources etc. and he has taken on the challenges.  He's not perfect and there have been certainly a lot of learning going on.  I do worry about some things with the prospect of him going away to school but those are things that would be issues for him regardless of where he goes to school. 

 

Jean, under all of the circumstances you've posted here, because of the financial situation, I would not go on this visit. I'd be looking forward to visiting for move in though! Your money for this trip will be better spent somewhere else.

 

How rewarding to see your efforts at independence play out. Because of homeschooling and knowing that my kids weren't "out there" doing a lot, I also made them take charge in different situations. My daughter complained to me that even in college welcome events and move in, a large perentage of parents were standing in line with their kids, doing the talking. I can't imagine!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER & RECEIVE A COUPON FOR
10% OFF
We respect your privacy.You’ll hear about new products, special discounts & sales, and homeschooling tips. *Coupon only valid for first-time registrants. Coupon cannot be combined with any other offer. Entering your email address makes you eligible to receive future promotional emails.
0 Shares
Share
Tweet
Pin
×