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How do you participate in conversations? Do you ask questions or simply answer?


Lisa R.
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1. I am weird, because I love to talk about the weather. I don't, b/c I know that is weird. But weather is awesome. 

 

2. A good conversation requires three things - ask questions, listen to answers and offer information about yourself. If all someone does is listen - no conversation, just a monologue. If all someone does is ask questions, not a conversation but an interrogation. 

 

3. Anyone can learn to be a decent conversationalist. I am an extreme introvert with a good dash of social anxiety...and I can do it. I couldn't always. I had to learn. 

 

4. If you want to spend time with other humans, it's a good thing to learn. 

 

I'm going to guess that those of us who are less sensitive to all sorts of questions also tend to have more friends, or at least, a greater variety of people among our friends.

 

There was just a discussion among folks at school yesterday about some super sensitive people.  No one wanted to be around them.  It made me think of this thread.  The conversation got started when one student mentioned having a young kid (likely preschooler) ask him if he was Mexican when they met each other at a store.  The high schooler told us he cursed at the kid, found the kid's parents, and cursed at them for "teaching" their kid to ask that question.  Being high school and being teachers, we did not support the student.  We tried to teach him about "kids" and their lack of filters - that no one tends to teach them to ask questions, they are merely curious - and that he likely did a bit of harm to the child's view (stereotype being built) by responding the way he did.  Hopefully he's able to see the difference for any encounter in the future.

 

Then later, that led to the more general conversation about super sensitive people (not with that student around).  It may not be true all around since I just have my circle as a data point, but my guess is it's more universal.  Folks don't like having to worry about accidentally offending someone who is sensitive, so they prefer to stay away and choose less sensitive friends.

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Honey, I am from the South -- which means I can have an hour long. interesting conversation about the weather with a stranger (and I am an introvert). I ask and answer questions and simply divert someone if they get too personal. Since I am getting mature in my years, I have been known to do a Barbara Bush ("You should be ashamed of yourself)" to very personal  questions from my daughter's friends. 

 

This is a rural trait far more than a southern one.  The same thing happens in the north in rural areas.  I love it.  Part of the reason we love Hawaii is because it's common there to "talk story" in any situation from the grocery store to civil engineering.  We love talking story and fit right in.  We rarely want short interactions just "getting the job done" if we have options.  I think this is a big part in our wanting to skip cities entirely when we travel (other than a museum or something short) and meander the back roads, restaurants, and smaller attractions.

 

Wow, most of those I would not consider at all inappropriate.

 

But this is what I think makes people less inclined to ask things - you never know what people will object to.  Though I think maybe it's more low-key here in Canada.

 

Canada is far more low-key.  I love that about my second country. Few folks get worked up over minor things, esp in conversation. Most other countries are more low-key, at least, those we've been to.  If any aren't, I'd rather skip them TBH.

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I'm going to guess that those of us who are less sensitive to all sorts of questions also tend to have more friends, or at least, a greater variety of people among our friends.

 

There was just a discussion among folks at school yesterday about some super sensitive people. No one wanted to be around them. It made me think of this thread. The conversation got started when one student mentioned having a young kid (likely preschooler) ask him if he was Mexican when they met each other at a store. The high schooler told us he cursed at the kid, found the kid's parents, and cursed at them for "teaching" their kid to ask that question. Being high school and being teachers, we did not support the student. We tried to teach him about "kids" and their lack of filters - that no one tends to teach them to ask questions, they are merely curious - and that he likely did a bit of harm to the child's view (stereotype being built) by responding the way he did. Hopefully he's able to see the difference for any encounter in the future.

 

Then later, that led to the more general conversation about super sensitive people (not with that student around). It may not be true all around since I just have my circle as a data point, but my guess is it's more universal. Folks don't like having to worry about accidentally offending someone who is sensitive, so they prefer to stay away and choose less sensitive friends.

â˜ï¸ I agree.

 

Life is so much easier when we choose to extend grace to others.

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I was just thinking about this thread....I guess it is why we end up friends with some people and not others.....the level of sharing comfort can be too broad of a gap to close.

 

I have a friend that I am fairly close to. She says she likes my no nonsense manner and my honesty....we spend a lot of time talking. I take her ds to school a lot of days to keep her from getting out with a baby...but she still keeps the weirdest things from me IMO. She went to see her adult kids out of state and I heard through her 10 yo that she went with her xh. She talked to me while she was on the way and while she was there...and didn't mention that.

 

She also won't tell me who the father of her baby is. He comes to the house sometimes to see the baby.....so it isn't like she has kept it from him....and she has told me enough that I know he isn't married....but what a weird thing to keep from friends.

 

Sometimes I don't even want to deal with her bcause I feel like she isn't totally open with me....but then I do see she has come a long ways since we first met so I assume she wants to be different but it must just be hard for her.

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It really depends on the person/situation/comfort level.  There are times when someone will ask me a question and I know, like just know, that I have no intention of building a relationship here, have no interest at all, or am just NOT in the mood to talk and I politely answer until they find someone else to torture.

 

Others, I ask questions, converse, etc.  

 

Good friends require good questions...sometimes hard questions and those dear to me want those hard questions just as much as I want them to question me hard in return.  

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It really depends on the person/situation/comfort level. There are times when someone will ask me a question and I know, like just know, that I have no intention of building a relationship here, have no interest at all, or am just NOT in the mood to talk and I politely answer until they find someone else to torture.

 

Others, I ask questions, converse.

So...this is what is commonly know as a snob.

 

Really, is it that hard to carry on a gracious conversation since you’re able to do it with others? Why not just extend that kindness?

 

You might find that your first impression of that person was incorrect.

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I'm going to guess that those of us who are less sensitive to all sorts of questions also tend to have more friends, or at least, a greater variety of people among our friends.

 

...

I don't think this is a good guess.

 

I prefer conversations that aren't centered around questions. When I meet a stranger we can converse without the standard set of personal questions. And, gasp, my friends and I can learn more about each other in conversations not based on questions.

 

The volley of questions is not the only way to converse. Maybe those who strongly prefer this style end up friends because they have similar personalities.

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So...this is what is commonly know as a snob.

 

Really, is it that hard to carry on a gracious conversation since you’re able to do it with others? Why not just extend that kindness?

 

You might find that your first impression of that person was incorrect.

 

Maybe, but then I think people are allowed to have their moods and preferences.  We may not all point out we have these thoughts, but that doesn't mean we don't all have them. 

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I don't think this is a good guess.

 

I prefer conversations that aren't centered around questions. When I meet a stranger we can converse without the standard set of personal questions. And, gasp, my friends and I can learn more about each other in conversations not based on questions.

 

The volley of questions is not the only way to converse. Maybe those who strongly prefer this style end up friends because they have similar personalities.

 

I definitely expect those who are sensitive to have others who are also sensitive as their friends.  It's the only way they don't offend each other, and definitely, if they get offended by our conversations they are likely to drift away from our circle too.

 

In my circles, pretty much nothing is off limits for questions or conversations.  I'm even glad the student shared his experience with me (and those around me) so we could use that moment to try to teach him other ways to respond.  We did try to "teach" rather than get angry or belittle him.  I've found that to be far more effective for changing behavior.

 

So, it could be just in my circle (of less sensitive folks) that no one cares to be around those who are more sensitive.  In your circle it could indeed be the opposite.  At our school, those in my circle far outnumber those that would be in yours - far, far, outnumber - but that could be due to the nature of the job.  Someone easily offended really shouldn't be teaching or working in a public high school.  It will lead to a ton of stress for them - and few, if any, real friends. (There are a couple...)

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So...this is what is commonly know as a snob.

 

Really, is it that hard to carry on a gracious conversation since you’re able to do it with others? Why not just extend that kindness?

 

You might find that your first impression of that person was incorrect.

 

 

ok, let me clarify....I am talking about people that I will literally never ever see again.  I actually don't do it often but I have at times just not had the time nor energy to talk to a random mom at a museum in a city where I don't live about the details of her life.  

Edited by Attolia
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It really depends on the person/situation/comfort level.  There are times when someone will ask me a question and I know, like just know, that I have no intention of building a relationship here, have no interest at all, or am just NOT in the mood to talk and I politely answer until they find someone else to torture.

 

Others, I ask questions, converse, etc.  

 

Good friends require good questions...sometimes hard questions and those dear to me want those hard questions just as much as I want them to question me hard in return.  

 

We're definitely different in our personalities.  I enjoy talking with the vast majority of people.  The only ones who bug me are the narcissist or racist types and I certainly don't know that about them until after I've gotten to know them.  Then if they're around I will keep my distance if possible.

 

I don't need to build a relationship.  In our travels we know we aren't likely to see others again anyway.  It's just fun to get to know folks along the way and share a little bit of their lives.

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I definitely expect those who are sensitive to have others who are also sensitive as their friends. It's the only way they don't offend each other, and definitely, if they get offended by our conversations they are likely to drift away from our circle too.

 

In my circles, pretty much nothing is off limits for questions or conversations. I'm even glad the student shared his experience with me (and those around me) so we could use that moment to try to teach him other ways to respond. We did try to "teach" rather than get angry or belittle him. I've found that to be far more effective for changing behavior.

 

So, it could be just in my circle (of less sensitive folks) that no one cares to be around those who are more sensitive. In your circle it could indeed be the opposite. At our school, those in my circle far outnumber those that would be in yours - far, far, outnumber - but that could be due to the nature of the job. Someone easily offended really shouldn't be teaching or working in a public high school. It will lead to a ton of stress for them - and few, if any, real friends. (There are a couple...)

Questions aren't offensive and of course everyone uses questions eventually in conversation.

 

The style of asking a stranger personal questions with the expectation of being asked those questions in return is what's being discussed.

 

Of course my friends and I talk about anything and everything...we're friends.

 

You are making strange judgements about people who have a different conversation style than what you prefer.

 

My whole reason for wading into this thread was to point out that asking personal questions back and forth is not the only way to converse and that some people end up interrogating the person they've just met.

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Questions aren't offensive and of course everyone uses questions eventually in conversation.

 

The style of asking a stranger personal questions with the expectation of being asked those questions in return is what's being discussed.

 

Of course my friends and I talk about anything and everything...we're friends.

 

You are making strange judgements about people who have a different conversation style than what you prefer.

 

My whole reason for wading into this thread was to point out that asking personal questions back and forth is not the only way to converse and that some people end up interrogating the person they've just met.

 

And the main reason for my comments are to understand the "other side" especially since I don't come into contact with it often.  ;)

 

The Hive often gives me insight into various personalities I don't see much IRL whether it's due to regionalism or birds of a feather flocking together.

 

IRL there are very, very few folks I don't get along with whether in my circle or strangers we meet on a trip.  When I come across those few it's helpful (for me) to have a better understanding of where they are coming from - similar to Attolia's mentioning her personality not being one prone to delving into conversation with travelers who happen to meet.

 

There's no judgment on right or wrong (except I think the student's response to the preschooler was WRONG).  It's figuring out how life seems to sort itself out and work based upon our differences.  From our travels we already know cities tend to be different than rural (generalization - not 100% of course), and other countries tend to be different.  It's learning about those differences that we find intriguing as we travel.  We choose to live where we feel "at home," as, I expect, many others do if they can.  I think humans feel less stress when they are among "their people" regardless of which situation it is.

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I dunno..what's with all the passive aggressiveness here?

 

People are different.  Blah blah.

 

(I might be in a mood..LOL)

 

 

I no longer have a membership to the large warehouse store that is similar to Sam's and starts with a C.  Does that make  you feel better?  Just looking for something to lift your spirits.  Oh, and look .... I asked a question.  I inquired about you.  

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This thread is funny. It makes me think of walking onto an airplane, and when you stop at your seat ... you and the other person in that row immediately start sizing up the situation.  

 

Creekland is thinking, "Oh she's wearing a sun hat and has a tan, I wonder where her travels have taken her!" and can't wait to start a conversation about travel and anything the conversation morphs into. 

 

Attolia is thinking, "Oh, boy, she looks chatty. Lemme just put in my headphones right quick and keep my eyes down in my book and maybe she won't notice I'm here, not talking, not interested!" and prays she's not going to be forced to make small talk with someone she'll never see again.

 

:lol:

 

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As an adult TCK (third or trans-culture kid), I'll never have home.  I feel less stress when amongst people who are aren't hostile to 'outsiders', and don't have the "I've got mine, that sucks for you, Ms. Minority, who isn't from here" type of attitude. I'm a bit tired of people who ask just enough questions to determine whether I and my children should be shunned.  

 

I think you're mistaking "home" for "hometown."  To me "home" is where someone feels accepted and loved.  That may or may not be in their hometown.  Hubby and I would never stay in a place where we didn't feel welcome.  We didn't move to a place once because I got very bad vibes when assessing the situation while he was in a job interview.  We plan to move again in the near future, but will take some time visiting before moving to be sure the vibe is one we are looking for (diverse and inclusive).  It's easy to find topography and human density we're ok with.  Vibe takes a little more probing.

 

This thread is funny. It makes me think of walking onto an airplane, and when you stop at your seat ... you and the other person in that row immediately start sizing up the situation.  

 

Creekland is thinking, "Oh she's wearing a sun hat and has a tan, I wonder where her travels have taken her!" and can't wait to start a conversation about travel and anything the conversation morphs into. 

 

Attolia is thinking, "Oh, boy, she looks chatty. Lemme just put in my headphones right quick and keep my eyes down in my book and maybe she won't notice I'm here, not talking, not interested!" and prays she's not going to be forced to make small talk with someone she'll never see again.

 

:lol:

 

You'd be surprised at how many wonderful conversations I've had on airplanes with folks I'll never meet again - doctors, grandparents, businessmen, researchers, students, you name it.   :coolgleamA:   It's pretty rare to have someone not be interested in at least some conversation.  It happens, but not often (and I certainly respect it when they aren't interested).  More often we're talking the whole length of the trip.  (Can't count when there's a language barrier.)  I definitely enjoy getting to know people and their story or whatever topic we end up on.  That's part of the fun of travel and what keeps it enjoyable rather than something to endure.  

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You'd be surprised at how many wonderful conversations I've had on airplanes with folks I'll never meet again - doctors, grandparents, businessmen, researchers, students, you name it.   :coolgleamA:   It's pretty rare to have someone not be interested in at least some conversation.  It happens, but not often (and I certainly respect it when they aren't interested).  More often we're talking the whole length of the trip.  (Can't count when there's a language barrier.)  I definitely enjoy getting to know people and their story or whatever topic we end up on.  That's part of the fun of travel and what keeps it enjoyable rather than something to endure.  

 

I want you to sit next to me on my next transatlantic flight. It's sooo boring not having somebody to chat.

Edited by regentrude
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You'd be surprised at how many wonderful conversations I've had on airplanes with folks I'll never meet again - doctors, grandparents, businessmen, researchers, students, you name it.   :coolgleamA:   It's pretty rare to have someone not be interested in at least some conversation.  It happens, but not often (and I certainly respect it when they aren't interested).  More often we're talking the whole length of the trip.  (Can't count when there's a language barrier.)  I definitely enjoy getting to know people and their story or whatever topic we end up on.  That's part of the fun of travel and what keeps it enjoyable rather than something to endure.  

 

I do believe it! I used to fly every week for work. I met so many interesting people and learned so many interesting things. When I quit that job, I really missed that interaction. Mostly what I missed was that exposure to things that I'd never have otherwise - it was a flight attendant who suggested I home school.

 

In our conversation about children/education, I shared how I worried about my third who was so different from his older brothers. She urged me to look into home school - an option I hadn't even considered before!  And here we are many, many years later. The child I was worried about putting into Kindergarten will graduate (home school) high school in a few months. Crazy! That conversation changed my life!

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Uh, no. TCKs know intimately the difference between home and hometown.  Home is the immediate family.  Hometown...by definition I do not have a hometown.  Community I think is the word you are looking for.  I won't live where I can't be a part of any community at all.  Unfortunately due to the excessive taxes here, most of my community has decamped for NC or FL.  My senator is now sending me postcards asking me to sign a petition to keep taxes down enough for families to stay.  My new neighbors want me out, they covet my property for the relatives they want to bring in, and have lobbied for 'elites' such as my dc to sit in study hall over at the public school, while I pay for improvements to the town so that they can continue to snub me and transplant their previous community to this location.  I am not for that at all.

 

I think it's just semantics and we're saying the same thing.  To me, "home = community."  Family means family.  Hometown means a place where someone grew up (theoretically fitting in) and not everyone has "a" place for this. 

 

Hubby and I used to more or less roam, but once our oldest hit school age we settled into a home/community so our lads could have a hometown - even though they were born several states away.  Now that we're empty nesting we're itching to get roaming again, at least part time.  Some of this is due to seeing a side of "home" that we didn't realize was there, but only when on certain specific topics.  The rest we still like.

 

My boys will each be choosing their home as they figure out where they want to settle.  Oldest likes the Chattanooga area and will probably end up back there once he can.  Youngest is planning on returning to our farm so could end up staying here.  Time will tell if he settles here or if it's just for a period of his life.  Middle needs to finish med school and residency first, then choose.  He's getting ideas, but his choice is a long way off yet, so who knows?

 

Regardless, I offer you best wishes for your location - or moving to somewhere better - whichever you end up choosing.

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I tend to think people want to talk, not be interviewed, so someone you don’t know firing questions at you can be socially awkward. It’s like they want a conversation but they want the other person to provide the material?

 

I think some people need more of a jumping off point to get the ball rolling. So, instead of asking them how they like the weather it can be more successful to go with a little short something about how you like the weather, what you once had to do in similar weather because of it, or maybe how your kid reacted to it. This gives people a chance to get used to your conversational style and it gives their brain a chance to make a connection they feel like talking about. They may latch onto a different extreme weather story, tell you about their kid’s reaction, talk about the weather difference where they used to live, where they get their weather gear . . . You never know, but I like to save questions until after they’ve chosen a conversational direction.

 

This is why it confuses me when people “don’t like small talk.†You can come out of a weather conversation knowing where someone lives, where they used to live, how many kids they have, and knowing how their family coped with an extreme weather event, or that their dog is afraid of rain, or that they’ve built a weather station, or SOMETHING interesting about them.

 

Awkward conversations, or situations where everyone is uncomfortable happen, but they’re so very rare enough that I can’t think of them as the norm.

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I tend to think people want to talk, not be interviewed, so someone you don’t know firing questions at you can be socially awkward. It’s like they want a conversation but they want the other person to provide the material?

 

<snip>

 

I agree with you, but the thing about people firing questions keeps coming up in this thread, and there's something I don't get.  This is a general question, not targeted to KFP:

 

If people are firing questions at you (general you), why don't you also ask questions to them, as followup to your answers?   

 

"Have you lived in this area a long time?"

 

"Well, we moved here about 10 years ago.  How about you?"  Rather than "we moved here 10 years ago."

 

(I know asking how long someone has lived somewhere is fraught with danger to some people, but it's just an example.) 

 

Or are you asking questions, and they are ignoring them in order to keep interrogating you?  

 
I met two new people this weekend, and that's how both conversations worked:  mutual questions and answers.  Not personal, prying questions, stuff like "how do you know the guest of honor (baby shower)," "have you been coming to this church long?"  "Did you try the grits casserole? I'd never heard of such a thing!"
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As an adult TCK (third or trans-culture kid), I'll never have home. I feel less stress when amongst people who are aren't hostile to 'outsiders', and don't have the "I've got mine, that sucks for you, Ms. Minority, who isn't from here" type of attitude. I'm a bit tired of people who ask just enough questions to determine whether I and my children should be shunned.

We had this while living in the south and Texas. Just enough questions to find out our religion and if we were the right kind if christians. We weren’t. This time in Texas is better that way at least since it seemed wirse with people with young kids. Or it could be we just gave up and pretty much hide in our house and avoid the locals....

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My personal feeling - and this is just me, I'm not being p.a about anyone else, promise - is that I can definitely use my introversion and shyness as an excuse not to do the work of social bonding. So I try not to do that.

 

On the plane, I'd talk for a while, to demonstrate willing, and then excuse myself for a nap. 

 

Yes, I think there is an element of being honest with yourself.

 

I almost always try to be friendly and talk to people i they seem at all interested.  I used to find that really difficult, though I'm better at it now.  I can still find myself making excuses though when something about the situation makes me uncomfortable.

 

That being said, there are times I think it's ok to just want to be alone, even apart from people you think have nefarious motives.   If I'm really tired or need to decompress, I might well go out of the house to do it - because I can''t easily at home.  I usually would try and find a somewhat private spot or take a book - sort of a signal that "I am being alone."  

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As an adult TCK (third or trans-culture kid), I'll never have home.  I feel less stress when amongst people who are aren't hostile to 'outsiders', and don't have the "I've got mine, that sucks for you, Ms. Minority, who isn't from here" type of attitude. I'm a bit tired of people who ask just enough questions to determine whether I and my children should be shunned.  

 

Wow, that's pretty sucky.

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I agree with you, but the thing about people firing questions keeps coming up in this thread, and there's something I don't get.  This is a general question, not targeted to KFP:

 

If people are firing questions at you (general you), why don't you also ask questions to them, as followup to your answers?   

 

"Have you lived in this area a long time?"

 

"Well, we moved here about 10 years ago.  How about you?"  Rather than "we moved here 10 years ago."

 

(I know asking how long someone has lived somewhere is fraught with danger to some people, but it's just an example.) 

 

Or are you asking questions, and they are ignoring them in order to keep interrogating you?  

 
I met two new people this weekend, and that's how both conversations worked:  mutual questions and answers.  Not personal, prying questions, stuff like "how do you know the guest of honor (baby shower)," "have you been coming to this church long?"  "Did you try the grits casserole? I'd never heard of such a thing!"

 

 

And the easy starter to an airplane conversation... What brings you aboard?  From that one question, I've had many wonderful conversations and a few answers with nothing beyond.  Wherever it goes, I'm fine with it.  There's no "interrogation" at all.  There are often other mutual questions.

 

I use similar questions when we travel.  What brings you here?  If they're local they answer accordingly and that can still lead to a neat conversation and/or local recommendations of things to see/do/eat.

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