Wwyd? Young adults

[Katy]

If it's a romantic relationship my strategy would change - because boys, especially good boys, tend to want to rescue women in trouble.  That verse might compel him to marry her to get her out of that situation with an unstable parent.  At that point I'd probably talk about boundaries and projection and how you can't rescue someone from their own personality.  And if that personality was formed by a mentally unstable parent, it will make life infinitely more difficult than marrying a woman who was raised in a stable, happy home.

 

Which is NOT to say he shouldn't marry someone just because their parent is a nut job.  But he should marry someone for the right reasons - not only in love, but want the same things out of life and have the same values and a commitment to work through tough things together?

 

Have they talked extensively about:

• what is going on with her family,
• how she wants adult life to be different than her family,
• how she responds in a crisis or deep stress,
• what happens if somewhere between the ages of now & 25 if she develops mental illness too? Will he want to me married to someone who acts exactly like the mentally unstable parent?
• Was she raised in so much chaos she doesn't feel safe if her life isn't in chaos too?  Does she create drama and stir up trouble and feel bored when her life is too stable and happy?
• Does she have the type of character that is committed to change when she discovers deeply rooted things she never knew she always did wrong?
• Does she have strong emotional and spiritual boundaries?

 

Honestly in a romantic relationship I would ask them to make a good-faith effort to spend more time at your home, and perhaps only be friends for a period of time - perhaps a year or longer - after she's moved out of her parent's home.  And spend more time with you in the meantime so there is time for her character to reveal itself.  Much of proverbs is good for that situation.

 

I've seen so many situations as a foster parent where one parent is essentially a good person, but they married a woman from a mentally unstable background who herself developed mental illness somewhere between 18-25, or later when a stressful event happened like the death of a parent or a health scare.  And then the man doesn't have the sort of boundaries to take over and do whatever it takes to protect the kids, and the woman becomes abusive, possibly an addict, possibly doing all sorts of immoral things to satisfy the urges of her mental illness, and it becomes a cycle.  I think every child we've had placed in our house ultimately came down to the mental illness of the mother and the father being unable or unwilling to stop her from abusing the kids, and in every situation there have been multiple generations of this sort of thing going on.  Sometimes the dad is gone, sometimes there's also domestic violence, but mental illness is at the root of almost every situation.  You can't rescue someone from that unless they want a drastically different life for themselves and have already decided to be completely different.  And even then, I'd want to see their character for a few years out of their parents home before I trusted that they were truly capable of change and weren't just dead set on reliving their childhoods.

[Scarlett]

If it's a romantic relationship my strategy would change - because boys, especially good boys, tend to want to rescue women in trouble. That verse might compel him to marry her to get her out of that situation with an unstable parent. At that point I'd probably talk about boundaries and projection and how you can't rescue someone from their own personality. And if that personality was formed by a mentally unstable parent, it will make life infinitely more difficult than marrying a woman who was raised in a stable, happy home.

 

Which is NOT to say he shouldn't marry someone just because their parent is a nut job. But he should marry someone for the right reasons - not only in love, but want the same things out of life and have the same values and a commitment to work through tough things together?

 

Have they talked extensively about:

• what is going on with her family,
• how she wants adult life to be different than her family,
• how she responds in a crisis or deep stress,
• what happens if somewhere between the ages of now & 25 if she develops mental illness too? Will he want to me married to someone who acts exactly like the mentally unstable parent?
• Was she raised in so much chaos she doesn't feel safe if her life isn't in chaos too? Does she create drama and stir up trouble and feel bored when her life is too stable and happy?
• Does she have the type of character that is committed to change when she discovers deeply rooted things she never knew she always did wrong?
• Does she have strong emotional and spiritual boundaries?

Honestly in a romantic relationship I would ask them to make a good-faith effort to spend more time at your home, and perhaps only be friends for a period of time - perhaps a year or longer - after she's moved out of her parent's home. And spend more time with you in the meantime so there is time for her character to reveal itself. Much of proverbs is good for that situation.

 

I've seen so many situations as a foster parent where one parent is essentially a good person, but they married a woman from a mentally unstable background who herself developed mental illness somewhere between 18-25, or later when a stressful event happened like the death of a parent or a health scare. And then the man doesn't have the sort of boundaries to take over and do whatever it takes to protect the kids, and the woman becomes abusive, possibly an addict, possibly doing all sorts of immoral things to satisfy the urges of her mental illness, and it becomes a cycle. I think every child we've had placed in our house ultimately came down to the mental illness of the mother and the father being unable or unwilling to stop her from abusing the kids, and in every situation there have been multiple generations of this sort of thing going on. Sometimes the dad is gone, sometimes there's also domestic violence, but mental illness is at the root of almost every situation. You can't rescue someone from that unless they want a drastically different life for themselves and have already decided to be completely different. And even then, I'd want to see their character for a few years out of their parents home before I trusted that they were truly capable of change and weren't just dead set on reliving their childhoods.

Thank you for taking the time to post all of this to me.