CC: Troubled tweens and youth ministry- any books you can recommend?

[Trivium Academy]

At our church we have about 70 kids who attend Wed. night youth, 40 of those are in the 1st-5th grade and we have a handful that are so disruptive it is preventing the very few volunteer teachers we do have, reach the other kids.

 

A few of us (yes, me included) are meeting to discuss putting rules into place. A sort of 'if...then' standard so that everyone is on the same page and the children don't have different rules with different adults.

 

It was said that not allowing a child to come to the Wed. night group is not an option b/c the child may not come back at all. We cannot involve the parents b/c these kids are from abusive homes, one call could invoke a beating. We pick up these children from their homes, teach, feed them and take them home every Wednesday night.

 

I don't know much about how to reach such children, disruptive is a kind word for the behavior they display. Hitting, swearing, yelling at the top of their lungs is normal to them.

 

We had a small pow-wow today, the adults involved, and we have decided we need to revamp the program to be more activities, music and overall physical movement instead of just being lecture, discussion and crafts. Something like VBS but for each Wednesday night with a little less hoopla than VBS involves. We have 3 adults now for 40 kids, we need more adults and we're working on that.

 

I need title recommendations for ministering to children such as these. And/or something to further develop our ideas for a more active Wed. night experience. FYI: Wed. night is 1.5 hours long, 30 minutes for eating.

[ravengal]

How do you know these children are from abusive homes?

[Trivium Academy]

I'm new to the church but the members of the church know the parents of the kids.

[laughing lioness]

off the top of my head I'd check out Bounderies for Kids by Townsend. I'll ask my dh ( a psychologist) what he'd recomend when he comes in from shrink-wrapping the front porch.

[elizam]

I can't think of many specific titles, but maybe something from CPYU or by the author Tim Kimmell might be a start!

[LBC]

Is there a way that two separate groups could be created? I've worked with troubled youth (inner city ministry) in the past, and I now have teens of my own. I'm guessing that the teens from your church and the troubled teens who are visiting are two very different groups of people, with very different needs. Perhaps there are some teens in your church who have a heart for troubled teens/tweens, and would like to be a part of a more diverse group. Then maybe you could have a group of kids who are interested in getting into deeper issues, and studying the Word. Obviously you don't want to make the kids feel as though they have been separated based on their spiritual maturity, so I'm not sure how you could practically work this out.

 

My dd currently attends Young Life. This is a para church organization designed to reach out to kids who are not "churched". They do fun, non-religious activities with the group on Monday nights with the goal of earning the right to speak into the lives of these kids, but then they have another group called Campaigners that meets separately to study the Bible, and grow in their walk with God. It's not a typical church ministry, so it's set up differently, but there is wisdom in seeing that different teens have different spiritual needs.

 

I believe this is a problem that many youth groups face. On the one hand, they want to provide a healthy environment for the teens in the church, and on the other hand they want to reach out to kids outside of the church. Both are great goals, but they have very different solutions, in my opinion.

 

I hope your church is able to come up with a workable solution. I think it's great that you're able to meet together to discuss the issues.

 

Lori

Sorry... I didn't give you a title recommendation! When I reread your post, I realized that you were asking for a book.

Edited November 9, 2008 by LBC

[ravengal]

I'm new to the church but the members of the church know the parents of the kids.

 

If the church members have concrete evidence of abuse, do they have a duty to report said abuse? I don't understand how ministering to the kids would be effective if they are at risk of being "beaten" at home.

[Caroline]

The book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby Payne might be a helpful read.

[Chris in VA]

Check out some of the Group Publishing materials for great activities.

 

Sorry, that's all I've got. You might contact some other churches and see what they are using. Truro church here in Fairfax VA has a great program--I'm sure they would be happy to tell you about their resources. They have info on their website.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not a book but I would recommend asking for male volunteers as well as the usual women - men with a heart for these kids. Men who are strong but gentle if you know what I mean.

[Jami]

Not a book but I would recommend asking for male volunteers as well as the usual women - men with a heart for these kids. Men who are strong but gentle if you know what I mean.

 

Yes! Awesome suggestion. When we lived in a neighborhood with many kids that had rougher homelives, my dh was a magnet to them. :001_smile:

[Ottakee]

I agree with recruiting men to help if you can. Another option would be to pair them up with a same gender older teen as their "buddy"---esp. finding older teen boys that will be good role models.

 

Most of these kids are starving for attention and really will settle down but like you said, the expectations you have of them are vastly different than their home life experiences.

[Harriet Vane]

We have had to deal with this same dynamic in my church. The church sits right on border between an affluent suburb and a difficult city neighborhood. The needs and often behavior of the city kids are vastly different from that of the suburban kids.

 

Those difficult kids need a couple things:

 

1--An adult buddy of the same gender

 

2--Love, liking, smiles, friendship

 

3--FIRM boundaries

 

Can you unofficially get some mature, trustworthy volunteers to target these kids without being obvious about it? You will have to approach people privately about this--it cannot be a public request for volunteers. These people would make a point of staying in the physical vicinity of the trouble kids, befriending them, and exercising discipline wherever necessary. These volunteers might also take it upon themselves to call the kids encouraging them to come to the program, or sending friendly postcards.

 

As for discipline, yes, firm boundaries need to be drawn. Sometimes that WILL mean that kids are asked to not participate in class, or even leave the program for the night. If a tough kid is allowed to get away with nonsense, the nonsense will only escalate and the program will be useless to everyone, especially the tough kid. Discipline like this should always be administered both firmly but always with an invitation to return, like this, "By hitting so-and-so you have shown me you do not wish to be here tonight. You'll have to leave now, which is really too bad, but I will plan to see you here on Sunday morning."

 

I have seen personally how a wise combination of love and friendly interest with firm boundaries (discipline) can turn a situation like this around. It's best to implement this asap, too, before the justifiably negative feelings of the other kids and volunteers renders the situation irredeemably hostile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just thought of a specific example. A friend of mine has worked with inner-city youth for many years. A couple years ago he spent a year at a small private school in the city. My friend is a big, athletic man with a commanding presence. There was a kid in the school who was spiraling downward rapidly, and there was talk of expulsion. My friend wanted better for this kid. In the morning, as the kids were entering the school, my friend made a point of singling the kid out with a smile and a hello and an encouragement to have a great day. My friend was in charge of discipline at this school, and did have to carry out discipline with the kid like detentions and such, even a suspension. However, the manner in which he chose to relate to the kid--friendly, loving, firm--absolutely turned the situation around. The kid liked and respected my friend, and wanted to please him. I know this because my friend is NOT the one who told me the story--his assistant did, in the context of recommending my friend for a position of youth pastor.

[sunshine]

If the church members have concrete evidence of abuse, do they have a duty to report said abuse? I don't understand how ministering to the kids would be effective if they are at risk of being "beaten" at home.

 

 

I can see your concern. I have the same issue at my church. We have a program call AWANA. Approved Workers Are Not Ashamed. It is geared toward children with this sort of background and has parameters that are used to question and report abuse. You have to be careful as a church body reporting this. Most of the time it has to be anonymous because if it gets around that the church is going to interfere with your home life the abusers won't let them come to a church that may scrutinize them. We gently question children using the method set out in Reducing The Risk seminar that ALL workers who come in contact with the children take as well as a background check. If abuse is suspected we telll one of our foster parents in the church to quietly inform their social worker and it is handled from there.

[sunshine]

My church uses a program called AWANA. this program is geared toward at risk kids. We minister to over 125 K-5 youth every Wednesday night. All workers are required to go through a seminar called Reducing The Risk and have background checks. We have men on standby for the disruptive males who usually do not respond to women having any authority over them. They almost always respond to a male. The girls we have less problems with instructing them. It is a struggle sometimes and we have had to have leaders sit one on one every week for a few months with some but they always come around if they keep coming.

 

Keep the faith, everyone of these children are worth it. Remember the Apostle Paul was probably a handful when he was young too.

Edited November 9, 2008 by sunshine
adding info

[sassenach]

Every year, my dh and I take our youth group to New Orleans. We work with children, ranging from 5-12, who are growing up in some of the worst projects in our country. This summer we helped run their day camp. I'll tell you how they run it, because I think it may help you guys. Let me start off by saying that we see every imaginable behavior come out of these kids. They have a large amount of vollunteers, which sounds like may be a limitation. We had about 150 kids a day.

 

For starters, the kids were broken down into age groups- 5-7, 8-9, 11-12. Everyday, the kids were picked up or brought in and they first had to register. This involved checking in at the table and getting a name tag. Name tags were different color packing tape for each age group. I was with the 5-7yos.

 

The discipline process was as follows. If a child was getting out of hand, you put a check mark on their name tag. For some of the kids, it was especially effective to have them put the check mark. If they got 2 checks, they were sent to talk with "sweet Jill." Sweet Jill was one of the permanent staff members, she would sit down, talk with the child (or children, if they were fighting), she was known for her sweetness and ability to turn a child's behavior around. This was their way of heading off any further issues. 3 checks and the child went home for the day. Hitting of any kind would send you home for the week.

 

Every single day they would start off the camp by going over the behavior rules. They would remind the kids that if they felt like they were having problems and that they were going to get mad, or hit, they could always ask to go see Jill.

 

I was the adult leader, and I had 4 teens with me and about 25 kids. Every single time, I am shocked by some of the behavior I see come out of such young kids. These kids are often raising themselves. It's a different world. I gave out checks every day. The teens with me were hesitant at first, until they saw how the kids reacted to me. The ones I disciplined the most, were the ones that hung on my legs and just completely attached themselves to me. These kids WANT boundaries. They felt safe with me because I didn't allow them to get away with what they knew was bad behavior. Now, this is NOT a story about how I took misbehaving kids and turned them into angels in a week. There was still behavior problems at the end of the week. But even through that, relationships were built.

 

The other part of the brilliance of this program was the activities. It was a 3 hour program. There was 3 stations- craft, bible, sports. The 3 age groups rotated through the 3 stations. There was a gathering at the beginning, with song, rules, and prayer. Then the rotation, then a regrouping at the end, where the kids went wild until the vans left. There was a constant progression.

 

I'm just going to go through your post and highlight a few things that stood out to me.

 

 

It was said that not allowing a child to come to the Wed. night group is not an option b/c the child may not come back at all. We cannot involve the parents b/c these kids are from abusive homes, one call could invoke a beating. We pick up these children from their homes, teach, feed them and take them home every Wednesday night.

 

This sounds very much the same as the group of kids we worked with. There were limits to the behavior allowed. Hitting was an automatic go home. (the kids were always back the next week, btw) Maybe you all might want to set up a room for those kids to be expelled to, instead of taking them home.

 

 

I don't know much about how to reach such children, disruptive is a kind word for the behavior they display. Hitting, swearing, yelling at the top of their lungs is normal to them.

 

Yes, we dealt with all of that. The one child I bonded the most with was one of their worst behaved all summer. I would not allow him to get away with bad behavior, but once the discipline was done, I would love on him again. These kids are just not used to HEALTHY discipline. You'll be amazed at how positively they react to it. He was my pal that week.

 

We had a small pow-wow today, the adults involved, and we have decided we need to revamp the program to be more activities, music and overall physical movement instead of just being lecture, discussion and crafts. Something like VBS but for each Wednesday night with a little less hoopla than VBS involves. We have 3 adults now for 40 kids, we need more adults and we're working on that.

 

ITA, Lecture is not effective for this age group. longest length of teaching that happened was during the bible rotation. They focused on memorizing a verse and a short bible story. It was informal and short, 20-30 min max. Your lack of vollunteers is certainly a challenge. This is a perfect youth group outreach, have you thought of pulling in the teens?

 

 

The ministry that we serve in NO is called Urban Impact. They may have some helpful info on their website. This sounds like a great ministry that you guys have going. I hope it blossoms! HTH,

[Trivium Academy]

Keep 'em coming, I still would like book titles. We have Safe Sanctuaries that is about to be put into place, which includes training so a lot of issues will be taken care of in that way. It requires two unrelated adults per a certain number of kids. I will be asking the men of our church to volunteer at least one Wed. night a month, there's one large, authoritative but still loving man in our church which I will be wooing to help us out on a regular basis.

 

Putting the kids in a time-out room was discussed today but what to do IN that room was not determined. We want them to feel like they are missing out on what the group is doing but still reach them. I need to see if there is anyone in the church that is a counselor or has had any training in that area.

 

I really appreciate all the input that has been given so far, as for the abuse- if there was anything concrete- it would have been reported. I have not personally dived into the background of each and every child, I know that the single most troubled child was 'sold' by his mother to adult men a few years back and he's only 10 now. I feel so ill equipped, as do a few other volunteers. We don't want to babysitters, we want to engage these children in a positive atmosphere, provide a safe place for them and show them God's love.

 

We're doing the separate rooms now, it's not working. The 4th & 5th graders alone are 18 kids and they are a tough group. We don't have enough volunteers to handle so many kids so the thought was to get the adults and kids working together in the social hall.

[dragons in the flower bed]

The book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby Payne might be a helpful read.

 

I second the recommendation for this book. It doesn't just explain why they do some of the things they do, but what behaviors indicate authority to them, or how to draw boundaries in "language" they understand.