When Christmas disappoints (a vent)

[PeachyDoodle]

This isn't exactly a JAWM, but please be gentle. Right or wrong, I am feeling very disappointed right now.

 

My DH is a great guy, and he tries hard, but he sucks at giving gifts.

 

I make an extensive Christmas list every year. This is mostly for the benefit of our extended family, but DH has access to it too, and usually runs interference between my family and his to help reduce duplicate gifts. (I do the same for him, and for the kids.) So he knows what's been bought for me and what hasn't. I also keep a wish list board on Pinterest, which he has the link to. 

 

Every year, he goes rogue and tries to find something himself.

 

 

This year it was a Kindle Paperwhite. Which is a LOVELY gift, and something I would probably want, if I didn't already have a perfectly functioning Kindle Fire. Which I use ALL THE TIME. Like, every single night in bed. 

 

We also decided to fill stockings for each other this year, for the first time. I was so looking forward to this. I've been dropping hints for weeks about things I need but won't buy for myself -- lotion, fancy makeup remover cloths, etc. I put a lot of thought into his stocking. Mine consisted entirely of candy and gum. They were all my favorite kinds at least, but I'm in treatment for binge eating disorder. This really wasn't a great choice. 

 

Then he took the kids shopping for me. Apparently they walked into Walmart without the faintest idea of what they were looking for. So I got a MASSIVE purple stuffed hippo. And I mean MASSIVE. It's at least 4 feet long. I guess the fact that I like the song "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" means I actually WANT a hippopotamus for Christmas? Oh, and they got me three tubs of peanut butter. Kids are kids, I know, but I really wish DH had tried harder to steer their selection, simply because we have nowhere to keep a four-foot purple hippo. And I obviously can't get rid of it. Also: binge eating disorder.

 

The worst part is, I love surprises. I would love nothing more than for someone to surprise me with something I really really enjoyed. Mostly because it would make me feel so loved to know that someone really paid attention to me and my likes. I know DH tries, but it makes me feel invisible when he can't seem to think of anything I actually would want, or even need. I'm very much a fan of practical gifts. I rarely spend money on myself, even for things I need (like skin care products, which were on the list). He knows this too.

 

I know he tries hard. I can't say anything to him because he hates to disappoint me, and it will crush him. I'm not great at hiding my feelings, though, so I suspect he knows anyway. I feel like a spoiled brat. But I also would just really like to feel like somebody in this world "gets" me.

 

I guess I'll go cry into my purple hippo now. Go ahead and tell me how awful I am.

[Guest]

No judgement from me. A stuffed animal would make me upset too! My only suggestion (and it is what I’ve done) is to set aside money to buy a nice gift for yourself every year.

 

ETA-who cares if your dh knows you are disappointed?? What woman would be happy with a giant hippo and 3 things of peanut butter?? He needs the wake up call.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Moxie

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

No you are not awful.  Yes, you have the right to feel disappointed.  Kuddos to you for not vilifying your husband for his shortcomings and recognizing he is a great guy, despite your very disappointing Christmas.

 

Hugs.  

[Dmmetler]

(((Hugs))) no censure here, because I have a shopping impaired spouse as well.

 

One reason why I requested a Pandora bracelet several years back is that it’s the best boon to husbands who are lousy gift givers. I can set my list online and they have a database of every charm I have, and he can go to the store, and they can guide him without him feeling like he doesn’t get to choose. I also “hint†heavily to DD so she can nudge DH when shopping, but that works better for older kids.

[Pawz4me]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

I do think I would address all the food items when you are being treated for a binge eating disorder.  Maybe after the Christmas hurt has settled a bit so it won't accidentally escalate from hurt feelings.  But yes I would absolutely address that.  You can still be loving and understanding.  I know you don't want to hurt your DH.  He needs to be aware, though, that the choices don't help your situation.  Sometimes people need these things spelled out VERY clearly.  Like in tiny little clearly spoken pieces.

 

Edited December 28, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Peaceseeker]

Some men are just clueless gift givers. I have given up on my husband and I just bought my own Christmas presents. I ordered some lovely gloves, a pair of rain boots, and some perfume I have been too cheap to buy all year.

 

Of course he still wanted to surprise me and give me something. A very nice leather edition of the Anne Rice Interview with a Vampire collection. It would have been a very thoughtful gift when I was 20 and into Anne Rice. However I haven't read a Vampire book in almost 2 decades, nor was it something I wanted to add to my leather bound classics collection, lol...

 

I just smiled and added it to the shelf. One year he got me a book on cats and cat behavior. I had been a lifelong cat owner so I guess he thought that would be interesting? Seriously terrible and random present.

 

So I suggest picking a few things off your wish list and handing them to him next year to stuff your stocking or put out under the tree. If he adds a purple hippo so be it. At least you get something you want! I know this is harder if your love language is expressed through gifts and you want them to do the giving.

Edited December 28, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Alice]

 But I also would just really like to feel like somebody in this world "gets" me.

 

I guess I'll go cry into my purple hippo now. Go ahead and tell me how awful I am.

 

 

You aren’t awful. I understand that sentiment...wanting someone to get you. I am also surrounded by people who give gifts that miss the mark, although I think their heart is good. 

 

I think that your dh’s gifts showed that he was trying to “get†you. I can see his line of thinking...â€oh, she loves to read in bed. I’ve heard Kindle paperwhites are better. I’ll get her that.† or “She loves that song about the hippo. This will be perfect.†As for the food items, assuming he is a good guy who isn’t trying to sabotage you, he just might not understand the struggle it is for you. Even if he’s been told, it’s hard to get if you don’t struggle with it yourself. So if he’s generally a thoughtful guy I’d assume that comes from a well-meaning place. “Oh, she isn’t buying treats for herself. I’ll get her some.†

 

Also, some people are just bad at gift-giving. 

 

I’ve learned that I have basically three choices...

1) Buy things for myself. 

2) Tell the person exactly what I want. No lists, no suggestions. 

3) Accept the gifts given and try and appreciate the sentiment even if they disappoint. 

 

My dh this year gave me cash. Which I found really weird. We share a bank account and both have jobs so we don’t really have a “My money, your moneyâ€. His note with it was sweet but I was still perplexed and a little disappointed that he hadn’t tried to think of something that I would want. But then later he explained that he knows I do all the finances so anything he bought I would see (which has been an issue in the past). And he thought I don’t buy myself enough things just for me so he wanted the idea to be that it was money that I should use for something just for me. I actually feel like I do buy myself stuff (becauase of the gift giving issue) but his perception was that I should be more frivolous. 

 

I still found it a little odd but I did appreciate that it was well-meant. 

 

:grouphug: It’s ok to feel disappointed. 

 

ETA: I agree that I’d address the food issue. And be really clear. “Thanks so much for giving me all my favorite treats. But I’m trying really hard to work on my eating disorder and it’s really hard for me to have them in the house. I really appreciate your trying to be sweet, but please don’t give me any food.†

 

 

Edited December 28, 2017 by Alice

[bolt.]

I've had those years!

 

I've adapted to bypassing DH and giving gift requests directly to the kids (one each and quite specific when they were little, more options later). This helped overall because their gifts outnumber his attempts.

 

I also give written details for smaller gifts from DH (I'm picky) and try to be specific around a serious gift he could get me, rather than give too many options. It helps if it's expensive.

 

Sometimes it works. Other times, not so much.

[Greta]

I can understand your disappointment.  And I think it's very sweet of you to want to protect your husband's feelings.  But I also think that a stocking full of candy and three tubs of peanut butter for someone who is dealing with an eating disorder is so clueless that it deserves correction.  Gentle correction is fine!  But in your shoes I just don't think I'd be able to let that go. 

 

Perhaps you could exchange the Kindle Paperwhite for store credit to buy more books for your Kindle Fire?

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

That sounds rough.  I've managed to get over putting any importance into gifts because... my DH simply doesn't get me anything.  I take the money he could have spent and buy something I want.  Sometimes I wrap it up because I don't want the kids to think it's weird that I don't have any non-kid-made presents.  Obv we have a weird marriage dynamic...

 

I think it would be fair for you to say, in a very kind way, that food gifts are not appreciated.  You're so happy he thought to pick out your faves, blah, blah, blah, but you really need his support in your treatment and better stocking stuffers would by products x, y, and z, which you use often and are therefore sure to please.  

 

Find a way to keep the hippo... maybe it can rotate between kids' bedrooms on a schedule?  That's just kids being kids.  :-)

[rebcoola]

I can totally relate I get gifts from other people that are straight off the list, their are several things still on my list at all price ranges. 

 

Dh instead takes DD to antique store and buys me a brass egg.  I hate clutter and having things just for display and to dust.

 

Oh yeah and just to add salt to the wound all the other gifts bought that day were well thought out.  A cast iron muffin tin for sis who loves to bake, antique book for Grandpa the librarian and a Nutcracker for Grandma who collects them.

Edited December 28, 2017 by rebcoola

[Mothersweets]

I am so sorry. 

 

You are not awful.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

SaveSave

Edited December 28, 2017 by Mothersweets

[goldberry]

You're not awful.  I totally get loving your husband and thinking he's a great guy but occasionally wanting to stab him in the forehead with a fork.

[OneStepAtATime]

I agree with up thread.  This is a flaw your husband has and your current efforts to help shift things to meet your needs have not worked.  Even having lists available to look at frequently do not help an impaired gift giver.  You can try to be even more explicit, putting him through GIFT GIVING 101 with a frank, but loving conversation well in advance, walking him through things step by step, along with a refresher course closer to Christmas.  Maybe with a power point presentation (only half kidding).  Your other option is you accept his flaw as it stands and just get yourself what you need, wrap it, and put it under the tree.  And who knows?  Mybe if he sees you opening gifts you bought for yourself the message will sink in.

 

FWIW, my husband has a negative gut reaction to buying anything off of someone's lists.  Why?  Because he thinks gifts should be surprises.  He hates that the gift giver might know or suspect in advance that they are getting the gift.  It takes the fun out of it for him and makes him feel like he didn't do the gift giving correctly.  Do I agree? No.  I prefer getting something I can use, or something that the kids genuinely want, to just randomly buying something.  I hate wasting the money and DH tends to overspend on really expensive items we absolutely have no need for and zero interest in.  We have been at this for over 20 years.  Some years we are somewhat in sync but a lot of the time we just aren't.  

 

This year I tried to make certain that at least one thing I wanted was purchased.  I not only put that item on my linked list on Amazon, I sat him down and showed him the type of thing I wanted, including the size, and explained very clearly why the size was critical for what I wanted to do with it.  DH actually got me that item.  It was lovely.  I was so happy.  He also got me another one in a much more expensive material that was twice the size and almost certainly twice the cost if not more.  I cannot use the second one nor can I return it.  And DH was watching me open it with this big anticipatory grin on his face, certain I would be thrilled.  He could tell I was more alarmed than thrilled because I am just not that good an actress.  

 

In other words, I do understand.  Hugs.

[gardenmom5]

how about if you make a smaller list of things from which just he can choose.   let him feel that from what he is choosing is more special than things other people are being notified you'd like.  let him be set apart from everyone else.

 

the other suggestion is to bring your expectations more into line with reality.   some people do well at choosing gifts, other's don't.   your dh doesn't.  yeah, it would be nice if he did, but that's not him and you will be happier if you can make peace with that.  his inability to chose a gift you with which you are happy is not a reflection upon how he feels about you.

[Kassia]

You are definitely not awful for feeling the way you do!  I'm sorry you are disappointed.  I struggle with eating disorders and would not be happy about the food gifts.  It took DH a very long time to realize that I couldn't handle those gifts and they caused me a lot of angst.  He's better about it now, but he still doesn't understand.  I buy my own Christmas gifts, but I really enjoy that so it doesn't bother me.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[EKS]

I gave up on this with my husband many years ago when I suggested to him that I would like a necklace (which I realize now was probably too much for him to deal with) and got a necklace...from my mother in law!  My husband had absolutely no clue that what I wanted was a necklace *from him*.  Ugh.

 

Anyway, it has gotten to the point where we tell each other exactly what we want, links included.  Sometimes we even order things for ourselves.  This year, I even wrapped the present from him as a present to him because he hates wrapping.

[Kalmia]

For the past 5 years I have just bought my own gifts. I like very specific things and I don't want to clutter up the house with decorative items unless they are handmade by someone in my family. However, this year I disappointed myself! I preordered a well spoken of (among my naturalist group who knew the author) guide to caterpillars. I received it and wrapped it back in August without looking inside (so I would be "surprised"). Well, I guess I failed to pay attention to the part of the title that said "A life size guide to six hundred species". Seriously, each species has its own page and a good 50% of the photos are an inch or smaller (leaving huge parts of the page as white space).  Well, of course they are tiny; they are life sized just like it said on the cover! Duh. I really was hoping for enlarged photos in detail. Not teeny tiny pics that have to be squinted at and are impossible to use for identification. Of course, having ordered it in August the return period has expired.

 

Anyway, if I can disappoint myself on Christmas, I have no hope that others will be able to choose wisely. So I am fine with whatever they do. Gifts that miss the mark will be donated to the animal shelter thrift shop to help feed the dogs and cats, and that is a gift I appreciate.

[KungFuPanda]

I’d declare the hippo your Christmas Hippo and pack it away with the decorations. Then, bring it out each year and put lights on it or a wreath around it’s neck. :-)

[PeachyDoodle]

I’d declare the hippo your Christmas Hippo and pack it away with the decorations. Then, bring it out each year and put lights on it or a wreath around it’s neck. :-)

 

I. LOVE. THIS!!! Thank you!

[hornblower]

Wow. It's like some of you live with aliens who mostly work off-planet and pop in once every few months for a cup of coffee and really don't know anything about you. 

I don't know how you stand it. I think I'd be tempted to just say "no gifts" and just skip all that. (easy for me to say I know as dh and I haven't really exchanged gifts in many many years....) 

[elegantlion]

Ex was not a good gift giver, he wanted to buy me things he thought a woman would want, not what I, who is far from a girly-girl, would want. I ended up giving directed lists and engaging ds in gift giving. But I'm also a gifts love language person, I love surprises and that element went away with the directed lists. 

 

When I was a teen, my parents would give us cash before Christmas, we'd go shopping and buy what we wanted and then wrap it up for it to be a surprise for everyone else. I loved those Christmas because we'd each tell a bit about why we picked something out. 

 

As for lotions and such, I would think you'd need to be specific. I get sensory overload (not just the scents) from walking into someplace like Bath and Body Works. There is too much choice

 

I'm sorry you feel down about it all.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[teachermom2834]

I understand. My dh is an awful gift giver. I don't even need to be surprised. I give him very specific requests.

 

This year I bought my sister two pretty Food Network brand silicone oven mitts and some nice kitchen towels. I showed them to dh and told him they were from Kohl's (5 minutes from our house). I told him I wanted the exact same ones and that he could take dd and she would help him pick something else out of they didn't have anymore. I wanted them for function but also because they were pretty and I liked the splash of color. They were on sale and we always have Kohl's coupons.

 

On Christmas I opened the ugliest black silicone oven mitts and black kitchen towels. I really was disappointed and upset. He thinks he got me exactly what I wanted and is pleased with himself.

 

Before I even hit the shower on Christmas morning I ordered the ones I originally wanted from Kohl's. That made me feel better. When they arrive and he sees them we will discuss.

 

It is frustrating because I didn't expect him to read my mind. I told him exactly what I wanted and where to buy it and what to do if it was out of stock. He went rogue. He will not understand why I am unhappy but it is frustrating because he just doesn't fully listen. I know he didn't do it on purpose but he could have avoided the situation by paying attention 😟 And the ones I wanted were less expensive than what he bought!

[6packofun]

 

 

I know he tries hard.

 

I'm so sorry, but nothing in your story indicated to me that this^^ is accurate. At least in my opinion.  :(  I think THAT would be what hurt me the most if I were you!  I'm sorry Christmas was disappointing after you gave all the help you could to your loved ones to make it better.

[teachermom2834]

I understand. My dh is an awful gift giver. I don't even need to be surprised. I give him very specific requests.

 

This year I bought my sister two pretty Food Network brand silicone oven mitts and some nice kitchen towels. I showed them to dh and told him they were from Kohl's (5 minutes from our house). I told him I wanted the exact same ones and that he could take dd and she would help him pick something else out of they didn't have anymore. I wanted them for function but also because they were pretty and I liked the splash of color. They were on sale and we always have Kohl's coupons.

 

On Christmas I opened the ugliest black silicone oven mitts and black kitchen towels. I really was disappointed and upset. He thinks he got me exactly what I wanted and is pleased with himself.

 

Before I even hit the shower on Christmas morning I ordered the ones I originally wanted from Kohl's. That made me feel better. When they arrive and he sees them we will discuss.

 

It is frustrating because I didn't expect him to read my mind. I told him exactly what I wanted and where to buy it and what to do if it was out of stock. He went rogue. He will not understand why I am unhappy but it is frustrating because he just doesn't fully listen. I know he didn't do it on purpose but he could have avoided the situation by paying attention 😟 And the ones I wanted were less expensive than what he bought!

[Seeking Squirrels]

That would be very disappointing. I agree with others that the food issue at least should be addressed.

 

DH and I usually don't exchange gifts. Money is tight and we LOVE going to comic con, which is spendy. So we pretty much just say that Comic Con is our gift to each other for Christmas, Valentine's, birthdays, and our Anniversary. It usually occurs within a week or so of our anniversary so that part fits well. 

 

However we do each help the kids choose something for the other parent. That's been hit or miss over the years. We like to follow the kids lead as much as we can. I do heavy guiding but still give them control. DH often just lets them loose so it can vary. If they don't know what they want to get me then he gives them ideas, but if they don't ask, he doesn't guide. 

 

Amazon wish lists have been a big hit around here to help with no duplicates and getting precisely what people want. DH and I each keep one going throughout the year. I start one for each of the kids sometime around Halloween. Grandma and Nana can order straight from the list and it automatically removes it so the other doesn't see it as an option anymore. I have sometimes used DH's list to guide the kids. It would definitely come in handy if we were getting each other gifts. 

[hjffkj]

The food items need to be addressed. You have a medical issue you are in treatment for and your family is sabotaging you. Stand your ground there and let him be disappointed.

 

As for the Kindle, return it and use that money towards something you'd love

[amy g.]

I get your disappointment. It feels so familiar.

 

Early in my marriage, I thought my husband would put time and effort into choosing gifts to make me happy.

 

I remember one Valentine’s Day or anniversary, he hadn’t thought about a gift until after work that night. So I was in bed waiting until way too late to go out and celebrate because you know, the mall and traffic. Then What he got me was a pair of very expensive sunglasses that are not my style at all.

 

I did not hesitate to let him know I found it unacceptable. A while later, he found them broken in the bottom of one of my drawers. He took them out to get them repaired and 20 years and 3 houses later I know exactly where they are in his dresser. Every time he sees them, they must make him remember how much I hurt him with my lack of gratitude.

 

After that, some years I bought my own gifts and was not disappointed. Other years, I’d forget and tell him what I would enjoy and was in always let down.

 

This summer, I asked for a nice gas grill for my birthday and anniversary combined. I told him months in advance. I had one I loved and it was stolen. When we replaced it, we couldn’t afford one as nice. But within the first week, he ruined it by leaving it on high for 3 days. 15 years, I’ve had no grill because he was going to repair the burned out one I never liked in the first place.

 

So 2 weeks before my birthday he had done nothing so I ask if he remembers what I want. He doesn’t so I remind him and stress how upset I will be if he doesn’t get it done.

 

The night before my birthday, he goes out to buy one and guess what, it isn’t in stock. I get to spend my birthday driving to a town 2 hours away to get one but when we get there it doesn’t fit in the vehicle we brought. Our town should get some in the following week. But the following week there aren’t any on the truck. By that time he buys one that costs twice as much just so he can bring something home.

 

I didn’t pull any punches and act like none of this was his fault. If one of my kids wanted something special, you can bet I’d be setting it up months in advance because I know that wrinkles happen.

 

I don’t want to spend another holiday being mad and disappointed. He isn’t going to change.

 

I bought my own Christmas presents and I’m happy with them. I had a good Christmas. I filled my own stocking too and I was happy with what I got.

 

Maybe the person who is good at giving gifts should do it for the entire family including herself.

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

 

I have finally convinced DH not to give candy to a diabetic who is prone to self medicate anxiety with sugar.

 

"I can't have this" didn't work.

"I have diabetes, I can't eat candy" didn't work.

"It hurts my feelings when you buy me candy when you know I struggle with sugar" didn't work.

"I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!" finally seems to have worked.

 

I also understand wanting to feel known and the concrete nature of gifts really communicate that to me.

[happi duck]

The hippo sounds like it might be really comfy to sleep with like a teddy bear.

;)

[PeachyDoodle]

He's really been very supportive of my treatment. I'm sure his line of reasoning was something like, "She's done so well, and it's Christmas -- she deserves to splurge." But that does just end up causing more harm than good, and it's not like there haven't been plenty of other opportunities to splurge the past couple of weeks.

 

I am working on the budget for next year, so I am going to build in a fund to buy those things I will use instead of relying on receiving them as gifts. It's not that I care so much about the stuff. It's that I would like my family to make some effort to show that they notice me, even if all that means is that they go through my bathroom drawer to see what kind of hand lotion I prefer. (Hint: it's not even fancy -- it's the Jergen's original scent that you can find at any drug store.) So having to be blunt kind of defeats the purpose. But at least this way I can have the small things I enjoy and maybe that will help me be less disappointed with purple hippos.

 

He really does try. I know it might sound like he doesn't, but he does. He thought he'd done really well. The Kindle he picked out because he'd heard me say that next time I will get a Paperwhite, not a Fire. I really don't use the tablet features of the Fire. I didn't mean I wanted it now. My Fire works great. It's a waste to replace it. He tries to listen but he often misinterprets what I say. He knows I like to be surprised, so he goes off-list. But really I'd rather he didn't. (Or rather, I wish he could surprise me well, but clearly that's not happening!) He's the only one with the Pinterest link so I often pin things there that I don't put on the main list, which he knows.

[PeachyDoodle]

The hippo sounds like it might be really comfy to sleep with like a teddy bear.

;)

 

Haha... it is very soft. I jokingly told DH that if I didn't find a place for it it was coming to bed and if there wasn't room for all three of us, guess who gets the couch?

[frogger]

I'm sorry. That can be so frustrating. Candy with an eating disorder and a giant purple hippo are things even I wouldn't have got you and I'm a terrible gift giver. 

 

My husband and quit exchanging gifts simply because with limited funds we would rather be able to spend more on the kids. I finally got the in laws to quit and my step mother though now I wonder if she isn't happy about it.  The economist in me thinks that gift giving is kind of a waste because the best person to shop for my own stuff is me but I realize for social reasons other people love to give and receive gifts. In our family I am the worst gift giver. I agonize over it and usually fail anyway while wasting a lot of money.  That is why I hate hate hate gift giving. 

 

My husband told me this year he wished we exchanged gifts. I think it's his love language. I honestly have no idea how to go about getting him a gift.  I asked him and the answer was, "Well, I need an oil pan for the car.". I couldn't help but think, " well, wouldn't you know what brand, size, etc. and I won't?" We didn't exchange this year but I feel like I should next year. I'm dreading it already. 

[Lady Marmalade]

Last year I took my DD shopping before Christmas and literally pointed out exactly the things I was hoping DH would choose to purchase for me.  I gave a nice variety of suggestions because he just...misses it a lot with regard to gifts for me.  It worked beautifully.  I was not disappointed with Christmas and he felt like he bought me some nice gifts.

 

I did not take DD this year because I've specifically been saying all month that I did not want any Christmas gifts.  I really, really wanted to buy my kids a Switch and anticipated all Christmas money to go towards that.  That Switch was also a gift for me. 

 

I should have at least given some suggestions.  DD did suggest a couple of Blu-Ray movies to DH that were good choices, but then DH went rogue and bought me a large electric griddle.  My old one has been on the fritz for years, but it still works so I can't justify replacing, and honestly, when I replace it I want to get a really good one. Sigh.  For some reason, he bought me a replacement off-brand griddle.  It was just SO disappointing to open that package and see not only an appliance I already own, but a cheaper version that I know is not going to last long.   I used it to make grilled cheese yesterday for lunch and it heats SO unevenly, so I'm even more disappointed. 

 

And honestly, I am the easiest person to shop for, so that makes it worse.  I love so many things!  Go to Penzey's and buy me a couple of spices.  Go to the garden center and buy me some seeds or a gardening tool.  Gift cards to bookstores or Starbucks are always a hit.  I love new dishes and I collect snowman Christmas decorations! I love good chocolate and bottles of local wine.  I love local food!  

 

But no, a cheap knock-off of an appliance I already own.   Next year I take the kids shopping again. 

 

All that to say that I'm sorry.  Some people just really suck at gift giving. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Well.

Honestly, (I hate to say this because it's kind of potstirring, but...) it doesn't really sound much like he tried.  It sounds like he kind of panicked.

 

Maybe he doesn't know how to plan way in advance?  Like to set a schedule for this--September make a list of your wife's interests, wants, and needs, October make a list of something for each one and pick three favorites, November order them, December wrap them.

[marbel]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel.  Especially about the food.  

[Miss Tick]

Maybe pass the kindle down to the kids? I bet the paperwhite would be nicer to read from.

 

I want to say, "don't be afraid to return the hippo!!" Let the kids in on it. "Kids, that purple hippo makes me laugh, but it is HUGE! This cardigan is going to keep me warm every day until spring, it will be like a constant hug from each of you, and easier than lugging the hippo everywhere. Thank you so much for thinking of me." It is a gift, they can learn gently that sometimes we miss, it's ok. They should perhaps also start to learn to be suspicious of dad's input on gifts for you!

[TravelingChris]

My dh gives me thoughtful gifts but often not what I requested.  Like one daughter and he took my heavy crockpot last week to a charity thing they were doing and broke the handle.  I said, I am not having it anymore and this will be the excuse for an insta-pot type thing and get rid of several items we have.  I put it in my cart and saved for later.  I can see he went on Amazon and bought a set of tv shows we do enjoy walking and another all-clad pot for me.  I want and will get the insta-pot thing even if he does not also order that.  Just after my birthday and I do that because it is a necessary item for us and I refuse to use a crockpot with a broken handle-- it is sharp and with me being on blood thinners, it isn't a thing I will try to use.  He now says he will make a handle out of wood and give the crockpot to our son.  That is fine with me.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

I would hate to get a stuffed 4 ft hippo so I can empathize with that.  I would be horrified if I had to keep it.

I don't think that gift giving is cherished by all. I love to give gifts and I ponder deeply the right gift for the person.  I know that my DH just hates buying gifts and feels utterly clueless.  He shows love in a totally different way.  I am sure if you think about it, you will see that there is a way that your DH shows love, but the giving of gifts simply isn't it.

 

On the other hand, we don't get each other gifts for Christmas.  Period.  We only buy for the kids.  If my DH set out to buy me anything with any thought I would be surprised and perplexed at the same time.  He bought me the same dark chocolate bars with fruit filling for 3 mother's days in a row and I think everyone knows I hate fruit filling  :mellow:  I just give it to my dd who likes that sort of thing.  BUT, he does ALOT of laundry and he cleaned my entire kitchen floor this morning.  Why?  Because doing things FOR me, rather than giving things to me is how he shows love.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Attolia

[Kassia]

 BUT, he does ALOT of laundry and he cleaned my entire kitchen floor this morning.  Why?  Because doing things FOR me, rather than giving things to me is how he shows love.

 

Yes, this is why I don't care about gifts.  DH is thoughtful every day and goes out of his way to make my life easier and better.  No gift under the tree is important to me when I have this gift every day.

[linders]

I'm so very sorry! 

[Tess in the Burbs]

You aren't alone in how you feel.  I've cried a lot of Christmas and Birthday days b/c of gifts.  In fact, for years dh and I didn't do gifts between us.  He always wants things we can't afford, and the gifts he gives me are well intentioned but rarely what I want/need and can't return.  Heck, dh would say this Christmas wasn't good for him...so I must have done a poor job.  This was a rare year and my family kicked butt in giving me gifts.  But I gave a very specific list and dd is old enough to tell dh what I really want. ;-)

 

I think last year was the moment dh figured out he needs to pay attention.  I ended up crying so hard on my birthday before presents ever were brought out.  They just don't get what I want to celebrate my birthday.   Me telling them hasn't helped.  And now I just need to take the reigns and do what I want.  Plan my day so it's perfect.  I wasn't being fair thinking dh should know by now.  He's not hearing the words I say about the topic.  Or if he is, he's not processing the words the way I intend them to be heard.  LOL  seriously.  I just had to accept this.  Which definitely helped me go into this year with a better attitude.  I could have gotten horrible presents and I would have been ok with it.  I was focused on the family time.  The decorations we put up together.  The food we baked/ate together.  I was mentally ready to just enjoy them having a good day.  I'm very thankful dd is so on top of making sure I had a good gift experience this year...and I did.  But I could have had weird gifts and still had a nice holiday.  Because at this point I know better than to hope for awesome.  He's a great man, just a weird gift giver.  Knowing this now, I would still marry him.  It's a flaw I can accept. 

 

So my poor dh asked for something this year and I researched, asked more questions, and not only shopped online but at a local store.  I bought something higher priced than I had planned to be sure it was what dh wanted.   Nope. Not at all what he wanted.  Come to find out he wanted a specific one from the UK.  Um, ok, he never shared that link or name with me ever.  How could I possibly make this a good gift lacking the details?  We returned the item and he used the money to purchase something else entirely.  He's happy, but I know he was disappointed for the day.  I can't change the past.  I wish it had gone down better.  And I think your husband is clueless.  Or, if he isn't clueless I'm thinking he wishes he had done things better/different.  I just don't think they purposely go about trying to disappoint us.  

 

My advice is to focus your efforts next year on a list.  Like a specific list with links to exactly what you want.   Organize the list for gifts from your parents, gifts from your in-laws, gifts from dh/kids.  If he still can't do it right from that organization, then just accept he's not a good gift giver.  I bought everything in my stocking this year.  I would just add it to his sock drawer and dh knew to add it to my stocking.  I noticed that the only thing not in the stocking from my own purchases was some candy.  Candy I bought and was in the kitchen.  Dh didn't even go buy me candy.  The stocking was my purchases, the candy from the kitchen, AND the fun beauty things DD told dh to buy.  I love my DD. I will miss gifts from the family when she is gone b/c I know DH will be back in charge of buying for me....and I'm treasuring up these few years dd is here and guiding dh in his efforts.   But ultimately I just have to accept the flaw, and maybe even buy my own gifts :-)

 

[frogger]

To me, THIS is the actual purpose of the gift card. I would have done something like buying a foil baking pan and an auto zone or advance auto gift card, with a note that explains that since I don't know what the specifics are, he's a pan and the ability to pick the right one lol.

Lol, see and I didn't ever think of that. Why, why wouldn't I think of that?

 

I typically think that gift cards are silly between spouses since we share the same bank account but that actually makes sense.

[ktgrok]

If it helps, the kindle paper white is MUCH better for reading on than the fire. The backlighting is better for reading at night. It's easier on the eyes. It is easier to turn the pages. It is just fantastic. And small enough to go in a purse, etc. It really is a fabulous thing, and much better for reading books than a kindle fire. 

 

Otherwise, it is easy enough to return it to Amazon, if that is where he got it ;)

 

Hugs. My DH did pretty well, but my stocking had almost nothing I will use or want. He put a bunch of dishtowels in there, which I do use, but half were microfiber which I hate, and all of them were ugly colors. (he's color blind). I only buy pretty kitchen towels. Sigh. 

[Hilltopmom]

Nm.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Hilltopmom

[hjffkj]

As far as the hippo goes, I would return it. Now is the perfect time to teach your children that while you appreciate the thought, a 4 ft hippo isn't something you have room for.

 

Gifts get returned and that is ok.

[Meriwether]

All I asked Dh for was a new heating pad because mine died a couple of months ago. I have some minor medical issues that a heating pad helps with. I usually use one daily. He forgot to get it. Or didn't think I was serious? I said something about it Christmas Eve and he got a panicked look on his face. I bought one for myself the day after Christmas. He is a good man, and I typically don't care about gifts. I love giving gifts to the kids, but I don't really care about getting anything in particular. I was disappointed that he didn't get me anything this year, especially since I asked for something in particular.

[kitten18]

This isn't exactly a JAWM, but please be gentle. Right or wrong, I am feeling very disappointed right now.

 

My DH is a great guy, and he tries hard, but he sucks at giving gifts.

 

I make an extensive Christmas list every year. This is mostly for the benefit of our extended family, but DH has access to it too, and usually runs interference between my family and his to help reduce duplicate gifts. (I do the same for him, and for the kids.) So he knows what's been bought for me and what hasn't. I also keep a wish list board on Pinterest, which he has the link to.

 

Every year, he goes rogue and tries to find something himself.

 

 

This year it was a Kindle Paperwhite. Which is a LOVELY gift, and something I would probably want, if I didn't already have a perfectly functioning Kindle Fire. Which I use ALL THE TIME. Like, every single night in bed.

 

We also decided to fill stockings for each other this year, for the first time. I was so looking forward to this. I've been dropping hints for weeks about things I need but won't buy for myself -- lotion, fancy makeup remover cloths, etc. I put a lot of thought into his stocking. Mine consisted entirely of candy and gum. They were all my favorite kinds at least, but I'm in treatment for binge eating disorder. This really wasn't a great choice.

 

Then he took the kids shopping for me. Apparently they walked into Walmart without the faintest idea of what they were looking for. So I got a MASSIVE purple stuffed hippo. And I mean MASSIVE. It's at least 4 feet long. I guess the fact that I like the song "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" means I actually WANT a hippopotamus for Christmas? Oh, and they got me three tubs of peanut butter. Kids are kids, I know, but I really wish DH had tried harder to steer their selection, simply because we have nowhere to keep a four-foot purple hippo. And I obviously can't get rid of it. Also: binge eating disorder.

 

The worst part is, I love surprises. I would love nothing more than for someone to surprise me with something I really really enjoyed. Mostly because it would make me feel so loved to know that someone really paid attention to me and my likes. I know DH tries, but it makes me feel invisible when he can't seem to think of anything I actually would want, or even need. I'm very much a fan of practical gifts. I rarely spend money on myself, even for things I need (like skin care products, which were on the list). He knows this too.

 

I know he tries hard. I can't say anything to him because he hates to disappoint me, and it will crush him. I'm not great at hiding my feelings, though, so I suspect he knows anyway. I feel like a spoiled brat. But I also would just really like to feel like somebody in this world "gets" me.

 

I guess I'll go cry into my purple hippo now. Go ahead and tell me how awful I am.

I could have written your post. Especially the part about feeling invisible.

 

I want to say more but I'm running out the door right now. I'll be back later.

[lllll]

nm

Edited January 7, 2018 by .....