MIL has the family get together on Christmas Day and I think it’s selfish

[Peaceseeker]

This has been a struggle for me for many years as well. I went through so many phases- from showing up with little ones in tow to inviting everyone to stop by my house for both days and running myself ragged hosting because I refused to leave my house with little ones on Christmas.

 

One year I even freaked out and uninvited every one (literally UN-invited both sides of the family about a week before Christmas after planning to host as usual). I stayed in my pjs and didn't clean a single toy up all day and we ate tacos for dinner. In some ways it was like the best Christmas ever. I felt like I got to enjoy the day instead of cooking, cleaning, etc...But I also felt really guilty about it. Because it felt really selfish too.

 

I wanted all that immediate family time, but I am not sure that it was for the right reasons. So now I do all the things and go all the places and it all feels very rushed and busy. But staying home alone felt wrong too. Even if we celebrate on an alternate day, I worry about my mom or my in laws being sad and alone on the holiday itself.

 

I just do the best I can each year in the mad scramble. I have learned that I would give up a hundred immediate family Christmas mornings for one more Christmas day with my step dad who died last year. So for the next two days I am going to go all the places and do all the things and try to remember that I never know how long I have with these people I love.

Edited December 24, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[MEmama]

You can say no.

 

MIL controlled all our holidays (and thus, time off) when we lived in the same town. As soon as we had DS I put my foot down. She may NOT have Christmas morning, but I did agree to the afternoon. That meant poor DS would have to have 2 rounds of opening presents and he'd be totally overwhelmed, but at least it wasn't all day and we had the mornings as ours. It was a fair balance to everyone involved.

 

When we moved far away we set the rule that we don't travel on holidays or ask others to travel to us. We love our quiet, quirky, and totally stress free traditions, and honestly she would be so disappointed in how we "do" Christmas. It helps that we live in a cold area that no one wants to come in winter anyway. ;)

 

Honestly, part of adulting is standing up for yourself. Your family, your rules, your traditions.

 

She's either going to get over it or not, but neither is on you.

 

Permission granted to take back your life. :)

[hjffkj]

I asked my kids what they are excited about the most today and tomorrow. Their responses were going to Grandma's (their great grandma) today, Oma's (mil) in the morning and Lola's (my mom) in the afternoon to see everyone. Out Christmas would suck if we did it the way you would like. We spend those 2 days with family and then from the 26th to the 2nd with mostly just ourselves.

 

But, that isn't what you want so why not change it.

[QueenCat]

I'm one that I can't imagine NOT spending the holidays with our family.  We are missing a few of us this year and I'm already really sad about it.  When I was younger, we always traveled 4 hours on Christmas morning to see our extended family.  And we loved it.  We have loads and loads of happy memories.  This year I have a younger sibling who's refusing to come to make their own traditions.  Our parents were pretty much devastated since they only see them a couple of times a year.

 

 

Me too. I love being with siblings, my kids, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc on Christmas. To me, that is a major part of what Christmas is all about. I hated it when we lived too far away to always be there. I cannot imagine my kids, once they have grandkids, wanting to not be with the extended family, be it ours or their spouses family. I kind of think not wanting grandma to see her grandkids on Christmas is more selfish than the other way around. 

[poppy]

That’s the thing, the kid love their gramma time and that is a beautiful thing. I just wish she’d pick the day before or the day after or ANY other day. I broached changing it and got brushed off “Christmas is for familyâ€.

 

This isn’t a huge problem. Just an annoyance . I’m not going to deny my husband and kids their grandma visit . I’m just mildly resentful she makes us do it on the big day Vs allowing us to have OUR family time.

[Wheres Toto]

Just to be clear, you always have a choice. You don't have to go.  You can simply tell then that you won't be able to make it and you can have Christmas morning at your house with your immediate family. They might complain about it, but so what? They're not entitled to have you there every year and you're not entitled to them liking that you're doing something else.  That's life.  You can't please everyone.

 

My in-laws have Christmas morning, my mom has Christmas Night, and we have Christmas Eve.  My dad has the Sunday about a week before Christmas.  Everyone for 4 generations is local (within 20 minutes of each other) and has local in-laws, so it can be hard to coordinate it all. We can't afford to care too much about the particular day. Maybe divorced families are just more flexible about days. It doesn't bother me because it's far easier to fit it all in when people keep it a regular day each year.  We've had Christmas Eve morning (same activities as a typical Christmas morning) with just our family when the kids were little and it's been great.  Now it switches some years to Christmas Eve night, depending on work schedules.

 

My mom had surgery and isn't doing Christmas Night this year. It will be at my house for that branch of the family in January.  My dad's side did our get together a week ago.  Now we have Christmas Eve night tomorrow and Christmas morning with the in-laws. Christmas is more about the event than the day.

 

 

I think this is part of the reason why we finally decided to stay home for Christmas.  My parents were divorced when I was very young and the holidays were just a constant rushing around.   Then I divorced and we had to work around when dd would see her dad, and every holiday was drama.  So, I wanted to have things on a set schedule so we knew what was going on and didn't spend time a week before trying to make arrangements.

 

We always see my dad about a week before Christmas.  They usually come to our house, although this year we went to a restaurant since our gravel driveway and walkway are hard for them to maneuver now. They live about 45 minutes away and have cats and birds that ds and I are extremely allergic too.

 

Then we'd go to my mom's house Christmas Eve.  When my stepdad was alive, his kids would come Christmas Day so they weren't alone by a long-shot.  After my stepdad died, my mother now comes to our house Christmas morning to see the kids open their gifts and hang-out.   I always had Christmas Eve dinner through around lunchtime Christmas Day with dd.  We wanted the morning because she had younger siblings here that believed in Santa and she loved playing along with that.  Mom lives about 15 minutes away, and dd lives with her now.

  

We used to go to the in-laws Christmas Day after dd left but a few years ago, dh decided we should wait until the day after.  They had other company visit, 2 other sons that live closer plus a couple dozen grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  They live about 2 hours away and we'd stay for a few days.

 

We don't have the space to host a lot of people, even my mom and our immediate family make our house very tight.   

[lmrich]

Being with cousins was one of the best parts of Christmas. Can you keep the 26th for just your family? Make it a stay in pjs day and eat cookies all day. 

[catz]

Perhaps reframe it as "I choose to follow her tradition because my kids love it and love seeing their gramma, even if I prefer to stay home." Maybe that will help you feel less resentful.

It has helped me so much to reframe the 24th as home Christmas. We have Santa and do a nice big meal with food of my choosing (the meal at the ILs is not a holiday meal IMO) and play with new stuff and just hang out.

[mom31257]

We've ended up always going to dh's family for Christmas on Christmas day because the family's jobs only allow them off that day or weekend. Dh is a school teacher and off for 2 weeks, so we have to time to travel there for it. They are off even less for Thanksgiving and don't really celebrate it. 

 

We've always done our Christmas on different days, so we never did Santa Claus with out kids. That is probably the only drawback, but that didn't matter to me. It has been nice to make Christmas about what we want it to be instead of it being about December 25th. 

 

I'm with the others of creating your own day to be Christmas and make it special and with it's own traditions. Our dd is becoming a nurse, so she may not have holidays off. We've already set the standard that Christmas is when you can be together and enjoy each other, not a day on a calendar. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[EMS83]

We used to do Christmas Eve at my parents, Christmas brunch at ILs after our morning presents (like, showing up at their house around 8:00.  DH and I exchange gifts on Christmas Eve.  Now we've moved my parents to the 23rd because the kids and I are going to a midnight service tonight for the first time ever.  Still doing Christmas brunch at ILs.  So I'm just poking along the rest of the time.  I do all our stuff early partly for that reason.  I'm so not a "rush hither and thither" person, so when we're not hither and thither, I sit.  We watch Christmas movies.  I do maintenance chores.  No super special meals at our own house, either.  I make oodles of cookies, that's it.  Going to my parents yesterday actually is nice because the kids are spending today playing with their new stuff and are reasonably quiet.  Yesterday morning was a different story, though.  :svengo:

BUT I don't resent this arrangement because a) I grew up 100s of miles away from both sets of grandparents and my kids are blessed to be within 20 minutes of both of theirs.  and b) the Christmas Day thing was a DH non-negotiable from the start, so /shrug.  I think my kids will really associate Christmas with their grandparents rather than our home, but it keeps the focus off of Santa and the pressure off of me.  The ever-present trade-off.

[rutamattatt]

I grew up with Christmas Eve gathering wth my dad's side of the family, and Christmas Day we went to church, opened gifts, and then went to my maternal grandma's house to meet up with all the extended family.  I LOVED it.  Lots of fun, family traditions, great memories - some of my very favorite.

 

When we got married, DH insisted we stay home just the two of us our first Christmas.  It was SO quiet and lonely for me.  Now we live too far away from either side of the fmaily to get together, and we are used to Christmas just being our nuclear family.  We have our own traditions and we enjoy the day, but I do get nastalgic for those big family Christmases.

Problem is that now we have complicated family dynamics, and honestly I just don't have the emotional energy to navigate it all with the issues our own family has around the holidays.  I feel a little guilty that I don't want to put forth the effort to make it work once in awhile for other people, but I have learned that my own family HAS to come first.  I have to remind myself that just because the memories I make with MY kids involve far less people, it doesn't make them any less special.

 

I am so sorry OP that you are feeling so frustrated about your holiday.  It makes it hard to enjoy the time when you feel like your time has been spoken for by someone else.

[craftymama]

She has 3 families coming to have her food and exchange gifts.

 

All the families have kids under 10.

 

I wish we didn’t all have to do this every year. It’s the one day when we really are enjoying a morning together blissfully and have so much family fun to dive into

 

Now everyone stop playing and chatting and get dressed because Grandma picked today instead of Christmas Eve or the day after.

 

I know it’s petty . But I’ve been married 17 years and have had to do this every year . It’s something I vow I won’t do to my own kids.

 

And this is the reason we don't travel at the holidays.  

 

Every year we had to go to my grandmother's or my uncle's house for Christmas.  Every Christmas my parents woke me up by 6 a.m. to hurry up and open my presents.  Once I had rushed through the present opening portion of the morning it was time to hurry up and get dressed so we could get on the road.  Getting on the road for the two hour drive meant leaving everything behind because the car was already full of gifts and food we had to take with us.  Then we didn't get home until close to midnight.  

 

There were other issues attached to my family, but still.  My kids wake up in their own beds on Christmas and we don't get out of our Christmas jammies until the 26th.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's hard to say no.  As a kid it didn't really bother me a ton.  I moaned a little about having to get dressed and "going" on xmas, but I mostly wanted to go.  Wasn't until being an adult with kids that I GOT what a PITA this is. 

[Greta]

That’s the thing, the kid love their gramma time and that is a beautiful thing. I just wish she’d pick the day before or the day after or ANY other day. I broached changing it and got brushed off “Christmas is for familyâ€.

 

This isn’t a huge problem. Just an annoyance . I’m not going to deny my husband and kids their grandma visit . I’m just mildly resentful she makes us do it on the big day Vs allowing us to have OUR family time.

 

 

 

I'm sorry that it's a pain for you, but given that it means a lot to your kids, I think you are doing the right thing.  I would love so much to be able to give my daughter a Christmas with grandparents.  She's never had one and never will.  (My parents don't celebrate Christmas, and my husband's parents both died before she was born).  We've always had the simple Christmas at home, just the three of us.  And while it is nice that it's low-key and stress-free, it's also a little lonely sometimes.  I really wish we could do the big family gathering at least some times.  I guess a happy medium, where you have the big family gathering every other year, might be ideal?  Or maybe it's just human nature to want whichever one you can't have?  Because I admit I'm jealous that you have in-laws who want you there so much that they insist on it!  That sounds so nice to me!   :001_smile:

[Word Nerd]

I decided after I was 40something that I was old enough to stay home on Christmas Eve and Christmas at least every other year or so. I don’t think it’s selfish for older generations to host a big family celebration on the day itself, but it would be if they insist that everyone needs to attend every year.

[poppy]

I'm sorry that it's a pain for you, but given that it means a lot to your kids, I think you are doing the right thing.  I would love so much to be able to give my daughter a Christmas with grandparents.  She's never had one and never will.  (My parents don't celebrate Christmas, and my husband's parents both died before she was born).  We've always had the simple Christmas at home, just the three of us.  And while it is nice that it's low-key and stress-free, it's also a little lonely sometimes.  I really wish we could do the big family gathering at least some times.  I guess a happy medium, where you have the big family gathering every other year, might be ideal?  Or maybe it's just human nature to want whichever one you can't have?  Because I admit I'm jealous that you have in-laws who want you there so much that they insist on it!  That sounds so nice to me!   :001_smile:

 

This is so lovely.

 

I grew up with a BIIIIG family Christmas eve.  Like Irish Catholic 15 families minimum (celebrating in a 2 bedroom house).  That was my favorite.

Currently it's 3-4 families.  Kids play, adults sit around the table and blandly chit chat.  And wait for it to be over.

Maybe I'll bring a board game or something.....

[CAJinBE]

Christmas is harder as an adult. As a child, all my family lived within two hours. Christmas Eve was always at my grandparents on my father's side. Christmas morning was at home. And Christmas afternoon was at my grandparents on my mother's side. I didn't give a thought to all the work that went into the magic of it all. We got to open presents three times! Two excellent meals. I now know I was blessed. Now we live overseas and only come home every other year if that. Right now we are in a rented apartment. My sister's daughter has just come down with the flu possibly so we are not going over. Not quite as magical. But my kids have had some different types of Christmas experiences to remember like German and Belgian Christmas markets, the lights in Paris, just us at home, etc. I hope they have good memories. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I have decided that you can't please everyone.

 

My brother insists on Christmas Day in his house, no exceptions. He does invite the grandparents, and both sets are local, so they both go.

 

We live about 2 hours away. My in laws always travel to my sister in laws who are 12 hours away. We have no options at Christmas but to be at home with just the 6 of us. My parents usually drive over after they see my brother.

 

It's taken me years to not see Christmas as sad and lonely, but I am coming to terms with it. I would still prefer a bigger gathering, but it is what it is.

This. Just us is dull but we have no one to have us over :-(. I am bored, bored, bored.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[Carol in Cal.]

This is so lovely.

 

I grew up with a BIIIIG family Christmas eve.  Like Irish Catholic 15 families minimum (celebrating in a 2 bedroom house).  That was my favorite.

Currently it's 3-4 families.  Kids play, adults sit around the table and blandly chit chat.  And wait for it to be over.

Maybe I'll bring a board game or something.....

OH!

 

When we used to have the best Christmasses ever, they involved a lot of variety.  Meals were in no less than 4 distinct courses, and (key!) we did things in between.  Like, roller skate in the basement.  (You had to be there, it was a pretty big basement with smooth concrete floors.)  Or play Poker in the family room.  Or push back the chairs in the living room and dance.  Feed the fire in the fireplace.  (A few times Grandpa bought special pine cones that burned in bright colors--that was pretty exciting.)  Go for a walk.  Play ping pong in the basement.  Play dress up with the fancy clothes in clothes bags in the basement.  Play Treasure Hunt.  Watch Funny Girl on TV.  Play the piano or sing solos or duets.  Sing long, traditional Christmas music together.  Wash many, many dishes, and load the dishwasher many, many times.  

 

More recently we have been limited to more crowded locations hosted by nonmusical people, but there is still going for a walk, play catch in the mud out back, and/or playing Mexican train.

[MedicMom]

My parents do Christmas after the first of the year. I actually wish they didn’t. My in laws will come In the morning and watch the kids open presents. Then—nothing. My husband picked up an overtime shift at work tomorrow afternoon and I’m not cooking a big dinner for three picky kids who want spaghetti.

 

So, I guess maybe I will take them to Denny’s, which is the only place open. And a movie.

 

I am really missing my grandparents and the big family Christmas afternoons. I’m an introvert, but family is important, and those Christmases now are just treasured memories. I have no desire to stay home all day tomorrow doing laundry.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

You should do things the way YOU want to for your own family.  I made up my mind when I had kids that we were not going to run all over the place Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Those days were going to be spent doing what we want to do and making our own traditions.  Families can get together and celebrate in the days before that for dinner or gift exchange if they want to.  We go to Christmas Eve services and we don't get out of our jammies on Christmas Day.  It's WONDERFUL!  

[Greta]

This is so lovely.

 

I grew up with a BIIIIG family Christmas eve.  Like Irish Catholic 15 families minimum (celebrating in a 2 bedroom house).  That was my favorite.

Currently it's 3-4 families.  Kids play, adults sit around the table and blandly chit chat.  And wait for it to be over.

Maybe I'll bring a board game or something.....

 

 

Wow, 15 families in a two bedroom house would be something to see!  I have very fond memories of large gatherings at my grandmother's 2-bedroom house when I was a kid, but she only had 8 children, so there was never 15 families there at once.  I normally shy away from (i.e. "avoid at all costs") large gatherings because I'm such an extreme introvert.  But it's different with family, even extended family, and especially for the holidays.  But if you're dealing with bland chit chat rather than lively conversation, then yes, I think the board game is a good idea!  Or cards.  Nertz is so much fun with a big group of people.  Those gatherings at my grandma's house often included Nertz marathons.  Good times.  :D

[KungFuPanda]

Christmas Day seems so much easier to manage than ANY day before it. My work is done for the season. It just doesn’t seem that daunting to get dressed and travel locally for a meal I don’t have to cook. It sounds lovely; like a fun cousin party for the kids. I get that they’re probably a little reluctant to put down their new things and get dressed, but do they have fun once they arrive? It’s easy enough to make the 26th the official pajama day.

[EMS83]

The 26th is our official pajama day, like Black Friday.  I only showered today because I feel vaguely like crap and hoped it would help.   :leaving:

[Element]

I wouldn’t do it. I know grandparents must want that Christmas morning feeling with grandchildren, but Christmas Day is just for my nuclear family. We don’t go anywhere, we don’t have anyone over. I don’t want to drive, or clean, or host, or even get dressed. I want to build toys and read books and eat chocolate. 

 

(Hugs)

:iagree:

[hjffkj]

The 26th is our official pajama day, like Black Friday. I only showered today because I feel vaguely like crap and hoped it would help. :leaving:

This is us. We have 2 days of crazy large family fun with my family, fil's side, and mil's side. Then on the 26th we veg out, play with new toys, and do enough organizing so toys aren't getting tripped over. The only reason I got out of PJs today was because I had to pet sit.

[HS Mom in NC]

The 26th is our official pajama day, like Black Friday.  I only showered today because I feel vaguely like crap and hoped it would help.   :leaving:

 

The years when we have 4 family functions in 48 hours I do exactly the same thing on the 26th. Mimosas, chocolate truffles, and quilting here.

[HS Mom in NC]

By the way, for those of you planning to make changes to extended family functions next Christmas, you might want to start that discussion in October or early November. If you have family members who coordinate with other branches of the family in addition to yours, they may make those plans by Thanksgiving-we usually do.  You're more likely to get what you want if you give people ample time to think about it, emotionally adjust to it, and have your new plans in mind when people from other branches come calling. 

[shawthorne44]

Yeah, I'm with you.   When DD was getting to the age when she might remember Christmas, I put my foot down that we were staying home Christmas Eve and Day.   I'm an only child and I was 40 when I had DD, so my parents probably had 40 years of me either with them or coming to them for Christmas.   I declared that I had the next 40 years or until DD wanted to host, whichever came first.  My parents come to my house, but Dad is grumpy about it.   MIL usually comes over for Christmas.  

 

My extended family was four grandparents, one aunt, no uncles and no cousins.  Grandparents HATED each other.  So, Christmas was driving to see one set of grandparents and behaving myself.  Then driving to the other set of grandparents and behaving myself.   I actually have zero memories of Christmas until we moved away, but Behaving and Bored was always an essential aspect of grandparent visits.  Then we moved away from family, and we had wonderful Christmases that were worth remembering.  

 

[UnsinkableKristen]

That’s the thing, the kid love their gramma time and that is a beautiful thing. I just wish she’d pick the day before or the day after or ANY other day. I broached changing it and got brushed off “Christmas is for familyâ€.

 

This isn’t a huge problem. Just an annoyance . I’m not going to deny my husband and kids their grandma visit . I’m just mildly resentful she makes us do it on the big day Vs allowing us to have OUR family time.

 

I think this is probably where the rub lies.  To your MIL, you ARE her family.  Your Dh is her son, you know?  So when she is thinking family time, she is wanting the same thing you are - Christmas Day with her nuclear family.  

 

(edited for unintentional caps - lol)

Edited December 26, 2017 by UnsinkableKristen

[ktgrok]

If my kids were bored and hated it I could see changing, but for us it is a cousin party, as another poster said. 

[craftymama]

As others have pointed out, how the interaction at the gathering plays a BIG role.  

 

As I stated before, my family comes with issues so it was never really enjoyable.  Often the other cousins weren't there because they were with their mom's family.  One uncle always had a new girlfriend...always until I was about 17.  There was always a fight with someone storming out.  

 

Had there been other kids and games and presents and fun and traditions I imagine I would feel differently.  

[RootAnn]

Fascinating how some people think their own family (husband, kuds) is lonely and some think it is lovely.

 

I am fortunate that DH and I both like the only-us-and-the-kids. My side of the family is dysfunctional, and we were never big on holidays (or birthdays). SHe's brother married one that wants the big family get-togethers, but DH only makes me deal with it once a decade or less, thankfully. (We drove 9 hours each way to spend a day with BIL/SIL/FIL this year.)

 

My kids have nothing in common with most of their cousins, so it is torture for the kids, too. BIL insisted on watching football on FIL's tv even though I explained that my kids go to bed early. The TV was in the basement where two of the kids were supposed to sleep. Two other kids we're supposed to sleep on an upstairs couch that was in the middle of the traffic pattern. One kid went to sleep on our bed and the rest suffered until the ILs left. Football is not more important than people!

Edited December 27, 2017 by RootAnn

[poppy]

Update. Went. Was ok , and also kinda annoying. In the grand scheme I am embarrassed to have complained about such a non problem. Hope everyone had exactly the Christmas they wanted or close enough !

[Carol in Cal.]

Update. Went. Was ok , and also kinda annoying. In the grand scheme I am embarrassed to have complained about such a non problem. Hope everyone had exactly the Christmas they wanted or close enough !

I hope you enjoy next Christmas better!

[katilac]

 

Currently it's 3-4 families.  Kids play, adults sit around the table and blandly chit chat.  And wait for it to be over.

Maybe I'll bring a board game or something.....

 

 

Update. Went. Was ok , and also kinda annoying. In the grand scheme I am embarrassed to have complained about such a non problem. Hope everyone had exactly the Christmas they wanted or close enough !

 

Good deal! And we all complain about our non-problems sometimes, lol. 

 

It's a good idea about bringing games and things, you can make plans for next year. Be the one to make it fun! You can do some silly party games as well - the kids will love it, and the adults can join in or not. 

[mom2scouts]

I honestly don't understand the problem. MIL is allowed to decide how she wants to celebrate. She decided to invite family members, cook a big meal, and open presents on Christmas day. It seems most of the relatives plan to accept her invitation. You get to decide how you want to celebrate. You can either go and participate with other family members or decline the invitation and tell her your family prefers to stay home on Christmas day. Set up another day where you can exchange gifts or have dinner together or whatever. MIL and other family members may be a little disappointed, but you get to make your choices. I think it's just as selfish for you to try to get everyone else to change their Christmas day plans because of your preferences.

[poppy]

I honestly don't understand the problem. MIL is allowed to decide how she wants to celebrate. She decided to invite family members, cook a big meal, and open presents on Christmas day. It seems most of the relatives plan to accept her invitation. You get to decide how you want to celebrate. You can either go and participate with other family members or decline the invitation and tell her your family prefers to stay home on Christmas day. Set up another day where you can exchange gifts or have dinner together or whatever. MIL and other family members may be a little disappointed, but you get to make your choices. I think it's just as selfish for you to try to get everyone else to change their Christmas day plans because of your preferences.

If it was just me, it’d be super easy!! But to tell my husband and kids you won’t see you Mom / Grandma at Christmas because the day she picked isn’t my preference — eh. That’s a jerk move .

 

So I have a choice, and I choose t be a grownup. Typical life as the person who moved from family to live near the spouse’s family.

[saraha]

It is getting to the point that I hate Christmas. It has never been about my family. Dh and I argue about this every year, but someone has to give and on this it is me. Bleh. Anyway, I told my girls this year that when they are grown, we will do our Christmas on New Years Eve so they are free Christmas eve and Christmas Day to do whatever they want, they can even come to my house if they want on Christmas, but I hope that it works out that we can do our big family Christmas on New Year's Eve

Edited December 27, 2017 by saraha

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband's sister and her husband decided they would simply trade off each year instead of driving to more than one local Christmas Day family gathering.  One year it's her parents and the next year it's his parents.  Whichever set of parents doesn't get Thanksgiving gets Christmas. Simple and equitable.  They get together with the set of parents who didn't get Christmas Day later in the week when it's convenient to exchange gifts and eat something festive.

Seriously folks, there's no good reason one spouse or one set parents has to do it the way the other wants to every year-that's selfish and unreasonable.  Yes, the majority of extended relatives might like the Christmas morning gathering, but if one spouse in a couple doesn't, that doesn't justify the tyranny of the majority.  Trade off.

[Amber in SJ]

My entire childhood my maternal grandfather insisted that we (meaning all the grandkids) be at his house on Christmas Eve so we could wake up there on Christmas morning.  He was quite insistent and it never occured to my mother or my aunt to stand up to him.  They lived 90 minutes away.  The really difficult part was my paternal grandparents lived 45 minutes away, in the opposite direction, so on Christmas Eve we would get dressed up & go to one set of grandparents to open presents & have a huge dinner and stay until what felt like very late, then we'd load into the car for a 2 hour drive to the other grandparents. 

 

My dad resented this bitterly.  I don't remember a Christmas he didn't complain about it.

 

Unfortunately, this backfired on him.  None of us kids spend Christmas there.  All of us stay home for individual family Christmases.  When they were little we took the kids to the one set of Grandparents on one of the weekends before Christmas and to the other set of grandparents sometime between Christmas & New Years.  This has worked for us.  We asked both sets of parents to choose a different holiday.  My parents chose Thanksgiving & my ILs have a huge Easter bash.  Christmas is just us, at home.  

 

Maybe this sounds mean and when Dh & I are home alone on Christmas I will feel differently, but right now that actually sounds peaceful & nice.  

 

Amber in SJ

[ktgrok]

For those that travel or visit with extended family on Christmas, will you be happy to celebrate just you and DH someday, without your own kids or grandkids? The idea of spending Christmas day just me and DH sounds terribly lonely to me, so I'm sure that colors my feelings and is part of why we always get together with family on Christmas. I can't imagine my parents being alone that day. 

 

We did have one Christmas where my sister wasn't there, and we all hated that, including her. Her in laws were no fun and she cried while there. After that she always came to our Christmas and saw her inlaws later that day or the next day. But her in laws had their other grandkids there, so weren't alone either. 

[ktgrok]

Also, we take with us all the new favorite toys, so the cousins can all share and play with the new toys. It's a pain, especially because they will get MORE stuff once we get there, but it solves the "wants to play with their new stuff" issue. 

[shawthorne44]

For those that travel or visit with extended family on Christmas, will you be happy to celebrate just you and DH someday, without your own kids or grandkids? The idea of spending Christmas day just me and DH sounds terribly lonely to me, so I'm sure that colors my feelings and is part of why we always get together with family on Christmas. I can't imagine my parents being alone that day. 

 

We did have one Christmas where my sister wasn't there, and we all hated that, including her. Her in laws were no fun and she cried while there. After that she always came to our Christmas and saw her inlaws later that day or the next day. But her in laws had their other grandkids there, so weren't alone either. 

 

 

You are assuming that there is only two options, both of which involve the older generation NOT being the ones doing the driving.  Usually they can drive, they just don't want to.  

[regentrude]

For those that travel or visit with extended family on Christmas, will you be happy to celebrate just you and DH someday, without your own kids or grandkids? The idea of spending Christmas day just me and DH sounds terribly lonely to me, so I'm sure that colors my feelings and is part of why we always get together with family on Christmas. I can't imagine my parents being alone that day. 

 

No, I would not want to spend Christmas alone with DH. If the kids couldn't make it here, we would travel to spend it with one of our adult children.

 

My grandma loaded up her mother, my great grandma, and drove to spend Christmas at our house with the family. When she became too old to drive safely, she took the train, and later my father drove and fetched her (3 hours one way).

Edited December 27, 2017 by regentrude

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

No, I would not want to spend Christmas alone with DH. If the kids couldn't make it here, we would travel to spend it with one of our adult children.

 

My grandma loaded up her mother, my great grandma, and drove to spend Christmas at our house with the family. When she became too old to drive safely, she took the train, and later my father drove and fetched her (3 hours one way).

 

I agree.  I would find it terribly lonely.  Christmas is to spend with kids, even grown-up adult kids.  :-)  

[ktgrok]

You are assuming that there is only two options, both of which involve the older generation NOT being the ones doing the driving.  Usually they can drive, they just don't want to.  

 

I was addressing those that want it to be just their own nuclear family. Several people said they didn't want the grandparents coming over, not just that they didn't want to drive.

[freesia]

I was addressing those that want it to be just their own nuclear family. Several people said they didn't want the grandparents coming over, not just that they didn't want to drive.

I agree with you, Katie. I've been thinking about this thread all day yesterday and how sad is be if my kids felt I'd "had my turn" with little kid Christmas. Now, we do our present opening on St Nicks and neither grandparent comes, but it's their choice. We travel to my moms-5 hours-for Christmas dinner and family time. I'd hate to be told I wasn't welcome to spend Christmas Day with family and to pick another day. I wouldn't even care if we ordered pizza or ate left overs. Barring an abuse situation , I think you should be sensitive to the older people who aren't surrounded by family all the time like we are. Our kids are their family.

 

OP, I know it's hard, but I think you did the right thing.

[marbel]

For those that travel or visit with extended family on Christmas, will you be happy to celebrate just you and DH someday, without your own kids or grandkids? The idea of spending Christmas day just me and DH sounds terribly lonely to me, so I'm sure that colors my feelings and is part of why we always get together with family on Christmas. I can't imagine my parents being alone that day. 

 

We did have one Christmas where my sister wasn't there, and we all hated that, including her. Her in laws were no fun and she cried while there. After that she always came to our Christmas and saw her inlaws later that day or the next day. But her in laws had their other grandkids there, so weren't alone either. 

 

Do you really mean the actual day - December 25 - is important to be all together?  Or sometime during the season?

 

Unless my children end up living within a few hours from my husband and me, and/or have no inlaws to visit for Christmas, I expect we will spend some Christmases alone.  I've spent Christmas alone as a single adult, when my family lived 500 miles away and I couldn't get away due to work.  As an elderly widow my mother spent Christmas day completely alone a few times.  Later she spent some with other people when she lived in a semi-independent retirement home.  

 

She was always great about freeing her kids from feeling like December 25 was The Day to celebrate.  The first year I left her alone, I was going to FL to meet my then-boyfriend's (soon to be fiance) family.  He and I had Christmas dinner with her a few days before we left.  If she was sad, she hid it well.  I was the one crying when I left for the airport (I lived with her at that time).  She probably was sad, but she understood that that's what happens when kids grow up.  I hope I am that gracious!  (I'm not implying anyone here is not gracious!)

 

My in-laws spent many Christmases alone because of where they have chosen to live - in a very snowy area, high up in the mountains, 3+ hours from a major airport.  (Small regional airports can be prohibitively expensive!)  They made the decision long ago not to travel to us, so, that's that.

 

I'm setting myself up now with the attitude that if I see my kids sometime between Thanksgiving and January 6, that will be great. I don't know where they will end up living, or for that matter where I/my husband will end up.  

 

I do feel for people who are lonely, miss family, etc.  When I was a kid, we visited both sets of grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins on Christmas Day. Everyone lived in the same city.  When I was 9, my family moved across the country and we were lonely the first few Christmases. We adjusted. :-)

Edited December 27, 2017 by marbel

[Ellie]

I don't think it's selfish at all. What a wonderful time for all the siblings and cousins to get together and play and eat and share stories and fight and make up. I wish my children had had that opportunity.

 

I don't know what time y'all go over to Grandma's house, but I hope it's in the late afternoon, after all the children (and parents) have opened presents and schlepped around in jammies and played with the new toys.