Gift Equity

[sassenach]

When gift giving to multiple kids (not grown, still at home), what is more important to you? There's no option for dollar value and number being the same, because that would be the ultimate in keeping everything equal.

[happypamama]

I spend roughly the same for my oldest three but don’t yet need to spend the same for my little guys. I try to make it so they all have the same amount to open (except for very little babies), but there are exceptions. Two year ago, our second child, then aged 10, said to us, “I’d really like just a couple of small things and money towards the guitar I’ve been wanting. Yes, I might feel sad if I don’t have as much to open, but that will pass, and I’d really rather have one thing I really want than a bunch of smaller stuff I don’t want as much.†So we obliged him, and he was thrilled! So it would depend on the situation and child.

[maize]

I think there should not be large dollar value discrepancies if children are not far apart in age. I don't think it is necessary to keep values exactly equal, just approximate. And if you are comparing gifts for a toddler vs. a teen a larger discrepancy may be acceptable.

 

Number of gifts might matter to young children who don't really understand differing value.

[Jaybee]

I voted dollar equity because that is usually my determining factor. However, the caveat is that especially with very young children, it doesn't cost near as much for a nice gift as it does for a teen. I'm thinking more of my older kids and how I try to make it equitable among them. I will say that this very tight year economically, the ones still at home are getting more spent on them than the adult kids. It's possible that when I had a wide range of ages at home, that the older kids' gifts added up to more than the younger kids' gifts, but I am not remembering that stage very well in my old age.  :laugh:

[eternalsummer]

Mine don't have any idea really what things cost, and I don't pay much attention to cost when I buy them (except to stay within an overall budget), but I do think they'd notice if one of them got one thing and the others all got 7 things.  

[Miss Peregrine]

I try to keep the $ amount +/-  10 dollars of each other. I don't always have an equal amount of gifts and I like to think it doesn't bother me but i do think about it sometimes.

[Katy]

I didn't vote, because I think it depends on the age of the child.

 

Younger ages - both are important.

 

Middle ages - value is more important.

 

Older ages - Equity is more important than equality, but that presumes there's a healthy functional relationship and every child understands that.

[sgo95]

We do believe in gift equity, but we don't think of it in terms of number or cost of gifts. Instead, we try to make sure the impact of gifts is roughly the same, if that makes sense.  It's fine to give only cheap gifts to a kid who really wants/values those cheap gifts.  So pleasing my 4 yr old costs less than pleasing my 15 yr old, for instance.

Edited December 22, 2017 by sgo95

[mlktwins]

I have twins so $$$ equity 😬

[Joker]

I've always done the same number of gifts. We all take turns opening gifts Christmas morning so it would seem weird to me if one dc had more to open.

 

I've never really kept the money equal and sometimes it's way off. They've each had years where something they really wanted or needed was more expensive than anything the other wanted. Oldest doesn't really want anything this year and knows he will have an expensive year next year since he's going off to college. Youngest really wanted a nice art portfolio this year and she needs it so I spent quite a bit more on her this Christmas.

[Ailaena]

I voted number equity then realized that in practice, I did value equity 🙄

 

Actually.... I think I spent a fair amount more on dd22 than ds2, so I’m just an all-around liar who is unfair to her poor, baby boy :’(

 

 

(In my defense, how much can I spend on a 2-year old??)

[LMD]

This year it's number. They have roughly the same amount, but my oldest's cost about double. However they're still young enough that they won't really notice the price discrepancy.

[Daria]

I only have one child, so all my kids' gifts are perfectly matched every year in every way!  But I like to answer polls, so I put number.
 

In our family, both growing up (where there were multiple kids) and now, we sit around and open gifts in a circle.  If one person got less, then it would be glaringly obvious.  So, everyone makes sure the gifts under the tree are "equal".  Like this year, I got my brother 2 things, which means I'll get my mom 2 things, and I'll pick 2 things for my kid for under the tree.  Everything else will go in his stocking.  Since stockings are just for kids, his stocking doesn't have to match, but if he had a sibling those would be the same.  

 

But I have no problem manipulating the quantity of gifts.  For example, one year the gift under the tree was a wallet with a few low value fast food gift cards in it.  If I'd needed 2 gifts, I might have wrapped wallet and gift cards separately.   This year I'm planning to get him 2 shirts, but I'll probably put them in one box to make the numbers work, because I got him something else. 

 

I think that there are lots of factors that go into how much to spend.  Age, for example, and whether it's a want, or a need, or a combo of the two.  This year DS is getting a bike, in part because he's got a job at 5 a.m. that I don't want to keep paying for him to Uber to.  So, it's an expensive gift, but also something that I'd probably contribute to if it wasn't Christmas.  If he had a sibling, I'm not sure I'd feel the need to price match the bike.  

[Tap]

I  didn't vote. 

 

It is about their perception of equality

 

 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Tap

[rebcoola]

Amount and feel more than money.  They both have 3 gifts of their own and a big one to share this year.

[Sherry in OH]

My children are close in age and have similar interests.  Their gifts are usually variations on a theme, this year it is a book, a game, a requested item, and two shared gifts.  One of the shared gifts took the bulk of our gift budget.  Other items are small, not equal in dollar value, but as equal in perceived value as I could manage.

[AK_Mom4]

Gift equity is not something we do here. Sometimes. They get what they want. Sometimes they get what they need.

 

The kid who had been saving for three months for a new bike and got surprised with it for Christmas scored big time. Some years they shared a single big gift - like the year they got a Nintendo. Last Christmas DD16 got the hiking backpack she needed which ran about $200 compared to the $50 we spent on the other kids.

 

As long as everyone gets a gift it’s all good.

[AndyJoy]

My kids are a boy (8) and girl (4) an neither the amount nor quantity of their gifts match.  Mostly I just focus on there being 1-2 big, "special" gifts, and some smaller things to fill it out.  If they were same gender, closer in age, teens, etc. I might try to make things match better, but their interests are different and they don't compare such things.  Christmas Eve will match in quantity, just because we have a tradition of pajamas and a board game, but on Christmas morning I think DS will have a lot more items because he's collecting bits of a series.  I spent more on him this year.  Last year I spent more on DD.  DD will have fewer, but bigger things and won't want what he has and will be perfectly happy with what she does.

[scholastica]

When gift giving to multiple kids (not grown, still at home), what is more important to you? There's no option for dollar value and number being the same, because that would be the ultimate in keeping everything equal.

Then I can’t vote because that’s what I do. Same amount of $$ within a few dollars. Same number of gifts. Including the number in the stocking.

ETA: There are 4 kids and I do use spreadsheets.

Edited December 22, 2017 by scholastica

[gardenmom5]

when my kids were younger - I was more scrupulous about = $$$.  now, I'm more lax, and it can vary more with needs.

I do have one fairly high strung who was upset there weren't as many presents as others  (eye roll.) - and I had to take aside to point out the $$ was roughly equal.

[edelweiss]

We take turns opening gifts at our house.  So, I make sure that my two daughters have the same number of gifts.  I spend roughly the same amount on each of them, but sometimes what one really wants is cheaper than what the other one wants.  If the number of gifts are unbalanced, I will buy a couple of small things for the other child to even out the amount of gifts that they have.  

[6packofun]

I can't answer this one.  This is the only thing about Christmas that I let give me more stress than necessary!  I'm working on it...   :closedeyes:

[Alice]

I said number of gifts but we don’t count and make it exact. I want it to be roughly the same in number and not super unequal in value but I don’t figure it all out. 

 

We generally give one big family gift anyway. They get so much from my parents and other family members that we started doing this a while ago. The big gift is some kind of experience. Last few years tickets to a big musical, this year tickets to a concert they will be excited about. So the one gift they are most excited about they are all sharing. The other gifts are smaller, personal things but not big as far as money. I feel like as long as they each get a few things they are excited about and really like that it feels equal. 

 

 

 

[Seeking Squirrels]

I'm trying more for equal worth to the child. DD9's big gift cost more than DD5's big gift, but they are of equal value to them. For each it is something big enough they can't get it easily with allowance, and something they really want and will appreciate. There was about a $40 difference in them. Then after finishing shopping, DD5 is still coming in at less money spent, but more items. This would be difficult to manage if I wanted either thing to be equal as it would in reality make it less equal (either getting DD9 more things to even out # even though I'd already spent more, or getting DD5 more to even out cost and then there would be an even greater difference in #). So I'm leaving it as is. 

 

I can see with older kids the $ amount being pretty large but it still being of equal worth to a kid. A 7yo may be just as excited about his amazing $100 lego set as his 15yo brother is with a $300 nintendo switch. And when 7yo is 15, he'll likely get that big electronic item while 15 yo also had smaller things at 7. It all comes out in the end. 

[Spryte]

I didn’t vote. I think number of gifts, in our family right now, for the middle and youngest kids, matters most. Mostly to the youngest, the middle kid may not care. For the older - probably $$$ equity is more important, if he cares (he may not, but I try to keep things equal-ish).

[Supertechmom]

Mine are spread across a span with 12 years between the oldest and youngest.   I used to keep it equal to money and number but as more kids came along...well how many toys/clothes can a toddler get to equal a phone or a car and what toy do we not own at this point? So now I go for impact.  We make sure each kid gets a thing or two that is a gift they wanted and dreamed of and never expected (as we can).  Sometimes, the gift is shared.  Sometimes, the gift is something one kid needed that the others will need at that point in their life when it comes around.  the money is all over the place because a gift for a 17 year old is vastly different than a 8 year old or a toddler.   i do try to keep the mound of presents the same but we don't open them one at a time though I have noticed the olders will wait and watch the littles open their's so we kinda do watch each other open gifts. (just not in turn)  In the end,I think my kids feel it is fair and no one kid favored over the other , no favored child syndrome or golden child. Now if they were all in close age range, I would try to keep things pretty similar but their interests/desires would probably be closer to each other.

 

What I will not do is what my hubby's in laws did after the second child was born.  They gave my oldest a gazillion things at Christmas.  They gave the baby 2 items, like a paci and an outfit.  " He's a baby, he's the second,  you should have stuff for him from what the first grew out of".  Umm, no, it's Christmas.  You can make it a little more equal than that.

[fraidycat]

I have two kids, one boy, one girl - 3.5 years apart. They both get the same number of gifts and the dollar values are usually similar, but not exact. If one is $60 and the equivalent gift for the sibling is $45, I count that as close enough. One exception is when DD got her first cell phone. It was a lot less expensive than her brother’s gaming system, but the additional ongoing monthly cost made up for that. The wow factor was equal and both were happy, so that was what mattered.

[amy g.]

23 years being a parent and I have never counted gifts or cared about making gifts equal. That just isn’t our family culture at all.

 

Middle daughter went away to school in the fall. She forgot she had bought something for one sister and bought her another gift. She asked me if she should buy something else for the other younger one too so they wouldn’t be unequal.

 

I said, “Absolutely not. Do not introduce the idea that someone is owed the same number of presents as someone else.â€

[MomtoCandJ]

Equal number of gifts and I think I spent around the same amount on them as well. My two girls are 5 years apart so soon enough it will be more $ equality but right now dd2 (who’s 3) would be rather upset if sissy(dd1, 9 yrs old) didn’t have the same number of gifts (and yes she can count to 25 by herself)

[ThisIsTheDay]

I couldn't answer the poll. Gift equity is a consideration to a point, but we've always just tried for some kind of balance. There doesn't need to be the same number of presents to open, but it shouldn't very by a huge number. The cost doesn't need to be even (because then how can you account for what you save if you buy one thing on sale?). Kids have different needs. I might spend more on one kid because they have an expensive hobby. Or I might spend less on that kid at Christmas because I spend more on their hobby during the year.

 

Like the rest of life, like the rest of parenting, balance has always worked better for me than equality.

[DawnM]

Well, yes, and no.

 

For example, my oldest got a laptop for his birthday almost 2 years ago.  It was expensive.  While my other two didn't get equally expensive gifts, they know that when they are heading off to college, they too will get a laptop for a Christmas or birthday.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

[HomeAgain]

The two that I think will be the most favorite gifts for my 7yo cost me $1 and $15, respectively.  The one I think my college kid will most enjoy cost $180 (waterproof boots).

 

We don't try to do gift equity.  We try to do joy equity.  When each person is filled with contentment, there's no comparison to be had.

Edited December 22, 2017 by HomeAgain

[JFSinIL]

 

I spend roughly the same for my oldest three but don’t yet need to spend the same for my little guys. I try to make it so they all have the same amount to open (except for very little babies), but there are exceptions. Two year ago, our second child, then aged 10, said to us, “I’d really like just a couple of small things and money towards the guitar I’ve been wanting. Yes, I might feel sad if I don’t have as much to open, but that will pass, and I’d really rather have one thing I really want than a bunch of smaller stuff I don’t want as much.†So we obliged him, and he was thrilled! So it would depend on the situation and child.

 

 

You have a very smart child there!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Roughly same amount of money because my kids are old enough to realize this.  When younger, same number of gifts worked fine.  When much younger...they would not have noticed.

 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

I think that age is such a factor here.  When they are younger, the number of gifts to open matters alot.  As they are older, they know the value.  My oldest DS asked for two more expensive gifts this year, knowing that it would mean less in number.  He wanted a really high quality pair of leather boots and leather swiss army watch that wasn't cheap.  He said that he wanted quality rather than quantity.  He has less gifts to open than my other three.

[mommyoffive]

I said number of gifts but we don’t count and make it exact. I want it to be roughly the same in number and not super unequal in value but I don’t figure it all out. 

 

We generally give one big family gift anyway. They get so much from my parents and other family members that we started doing this a while ago. The big gift is some kind of experience. Last few years tickets to a big musical, this year tickets to a concert they will be excited about. So the one gift they are most excited about they are all sharing. The other gifts are smaller, personal things but not big as far as money. I feel like as long as they each get a few things they are excited about and really like that it feels equal. 

 

THis is us.  The kids get sooooooooooooooooooooooo much from family it is nuts.  I am actually trying to move the family to come do something with them instead of giving them gifts.  They are not so much into it.

 

The gifts are good things, but the kids have way to much anyhow.  It ends up never getting played with.  Still in boxes years later.  Returned.  Given away. 

 

 

We have moved more away from presents.  Honestly if the kids were not in a show the whole christmas season, we would be traveling the whole month instead.   I would love to not be at home for Christmas.  All the things that you have to do and we could just enjoy being some place.  Being there would be our present.   I really wish we could have done that this year.  If only they were not doing the show.  :(

 

But this year like the last 3 years we are giving them a trip as their main present. 

Then they are all getting some legos and the girls a doll.   Done.   

[Zinnia]

My parents kept charts and made sure it was exactly, exactly even in terms of number AND money spent. Must be exhausting (they still do it).

 

We have a tradition of 3 gifts, plus 1 Santa present. For us, the number is the same, but the value is not. Usually similar, but my kids are within a 6 year age span, so that's not terribly hard

[marbel]

When my kids were little, I went with equity in terms of numbers of gifts. There's just the two of them; we don't come from huge extended families, so there were never a lot of gifts (which is my preference anyway).  My husband came from a family that took turns opening gifts - different from the free-for-all I experienced as a kid - so we do that. It seemed like it made sense to have the same number of packages.

 

Once they were about 12 and 13, I think, I moved away from that, and just got them things they needed or wanted. I have never cared about money equity; I think generally it balanced out pretty well.  but if I was buying one kid an exceptionally expensive gift, I would tell the other. For ex., when my son was 17 we got him a smartphone.  He needed it because his old phone was a pain to text on, and as a volunteer firefighter he needed access to a couple of apps and multimedia messaging.   My daughter was fine with it.  

 

This year everyone is getting one modest gift from parents, and kids are exchanging gifts, and we'll have stockings.  We agreed to go very cheap at Christmas this year and take a trip during spring break. So we're back to equity in numbers, but simply because that's how we'd planned it.

Edited December 22, 2017 by marbel

[Guest]

For the people I got gifts for, I tried to do value, rather than cost or number: what might they like that would be "useful" for them. My brother and SIL have friends over often, so they got a smores/fondue maker. My sister wanted clothes, so she got two shirts. Mom didn't say, so I got her a movie and tights (because she wears them all the time). The BIL in got a GC to a place he likes. The nieces got books, PJs, shoes, and a toy pasta set to share. Santa brings fun socks and candy and fruit. And for the tinies, fun bath stuff.

 

I think next year I will just do stockings: a little bit of treats, fruit, fun socks or such, and a small gift. For the nieces and any other kids, it might be the want/need/read/wear type of gifts.

[cjzimmer1]

A little bit of both but nothing is absolute.  Youngest DS is actually getting new things this year.  The previous 3 years, we just wrapped up old toys that had been put away before he was born and that he had grown into.  He was thrilled, they were new to him, he loved ripping open the paper and so we wrapped every little thing separately.  He wasn't interested in watching others, so we just piled a bunch of individually wrapped little people figures and let him go at in whenever he pleased. So zero money (other than the cost of wrapping paper) was spent on him but he had way more gifts than others to open.  

 

So this year, each getting is getting something practical and something fun.  For some kids that is multiple clothing items and for some kids that is multiple fun items.  Normally I would split that into at least 2 -3 packages each but I've been sick so each kid gets one box with all their mom and dad gifts in it.  The dollar amount of each portion isn't really balanced either, some kids needed $50 worth of clothing some their practical gift was only $20.  I didn't make up the difference on the fun side either.  As long as it appears reasonably balanced, its good enough.  I don't ever want my kids to get the mentality that everything has to be exact equal.

[Seeking Squirrels]

Another point to consider that I realized last year.....deals. If you completely go by $ spent it can end up with one getting a lot more value, not even value according to a child but actual retail value. So if two kids each want a $50 item and you catch one of them on black friday for $35, how would you count that? If you go by actual money spent then you would spend $15 more on one kid just because their item happened to have a good deal. So would you instead track it's non-sale price? 

 

My parents kept charts and made sure it was exactly, exactly even in terms of number AND money spent. Must be exhausting (they still do it).

We have a tradition of 3 gifts, plus 1 Santa present. For us, the number is the same, but the value is not. Usually similar, but my kids are within a 6 year age span, so that's not terribly hard

My parents do this for the grandkids. They have my 2 girls, and my 2 nephews. One nephew is older so they only track money not items for him. But across the other 3 they want it equal. This year my mom got my girls one big combined gift and said she had $50 more to spend on each of them. When I knew she'd spent about $40 each she asked for another idea around $30. I obliged and she said she was done with the girls now. Then yesterday she called me from the store needing another idea for each for ~$25. I know it's because whatever she ended up getting DN pushed the budget up for the girls, too. Not only exhausting, but doing it that way you could just keep spiraling round and round spending more and more! I tried hard to give her ideas that could be right at $25 so she wouldn't end up going $5 over and have to turn around and get DN something else. :/ 

 

I'm trying more for equal worth to the child. DD9's big gift cost more than DD5's big gift, but they are of equal value to them. For each it is something big enough they can't get it easily with allowance, and something they really want and will appreciate. There was about a $40 difference in them. Then after finishing shopping, DD5 is still coming in at less money spent, but more items. This would be difficult to manage if I wanted either thing to be equal as it would in reality make it less equal (either getting DD9 more things to even out # even though I'd already spent more, or getting DD5 more to even out cost and then there would be an even greater difference in #). So I'm leaving it as is. 

 

I can see with older kids the $ amount being pretty large but it still being of equal worth to a kid. A 7yo may be just as excited about his amazing $100 lego set as his 15yo brother is with a $300 nintendo switch. And when 7yo is 15, he'll likely get that big electronic item while 15 yo also had smaller things at 7. It all comes out in the end. 

Haha, I took another look at the list last night and pulled everything out to start wrapping. Two I had listed for DD5 were actually more like one gift, I'd put them down separate for budget tracking (Not to keep precisely equal but to not go over our overall budget!). Then I added in one for DD9 that was from a kickstarter so I'd forgotten all about it but it showed up yesterday! So in the end, they'll have the same number of gifts, completely by accident! But DD9's is still more $ wise. Especially if I add in whatever I spent on that kickstarter months ago. I shopped a lot of deals, I want to go back and see what the $ looks like if I add it up using regular price. 

[Nemom]

I do dollar value now but when my kids were little, I did number of gifts.  

[Twolittleboys]

I didn't vote as I actually do try very hard to keep gift number and amount pretty even. Of course I only have two kids so that makes it easier. For younger kids I think number/size is more important as they will have no clue about value. For older kids it gets more complicated.

 

I guess what I would do is keep the number of gifts the same or close to it (+/- 1) and try to match the value as good as possible. If there is still a big discrepancy I would add in/switch a gift for a gift card/something expensive that is needed etc. The only exception would be if one child got something expensive that only this child needs at this time but which other children will get when appropriate (say a car or a computer for school etc. that might be given at a certain age).

[Wheres Toto]

Didn't vote because I think it's important but it depends on the kids involved and the circumstances.  Our kids are 2 years apart and usually get similar $ and quantity.  But not this year.

 

Ds has one thing he really wants - a Nintendo Switch.  The system, games, and accessories are over $600.   :svengo:  (for the record, I didn't feel the need to actually get this for him at this point, dh did).  Nothing that dd wants comes even close to the dollar amount.  She will play the switch occasionally (we are getting her a game that she'll like) but it's really most definitely ds's gift, not a joint gift.  

 

The thing she does want, and will get a lot of use out of, is a new Ipod.  They both have shuffles, hers stopped working so we got her an iPod touch.  Less than 1/2 what we spent on ds, but she'll love it as much as he'll love the Switch.  She's also getting a few small items (sculpey clay, tools, and book, FNAF stuff), while he is getting fewer other things and mostly stuff like socks and underwear.

 

So, ds is probably getting a higher $$$ amount while dd is getting more items.  And adult dd is handled completely differently.

 

ETA:  I like the term joy equity mentioned above.  That's more what we shot for.

Edited December 22, 2017 by Where's Toto?

[HomeAgain]

Okay, well, I might have to eat my words.  I think the kids are more equal this year than I thought.  The toy I found for $15 on clearance last year is selling for $100-150 at places like TRU.  Yay for shopping wisely? :lol:  

 

 

[Jaybee]

Then I can’t vote because that’s what I do. Same amount of $$ within a few dollars. Same number of gifts. Including the number in the stocking.

ETA: There are 4 kids and I do use spreadsheets.

 

I guess I have done similar as well, though there might be an extra one or two depending on prices. If a gift is more expensive, then other gifts are cheaper. All in all, total spent is not a huge amount. 

 

I can't help but wonder, for those who don't worry about it at all, how your kids might really feel about it in years to come. I'm not talking about toddlers, but once they get into their teens or so. 

 

ETA: In both areas, I'm talking about "approximate." 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Jaybee

[ScoutTN]

I only have two kids and they are close in age. They generally don't have a clue about the price of gifts, so we don't really worry about that except to stay within our budget for Christmas. 

 

We aim for about the same number of gifts, but don't count exactly. Stocking stuffers may vary widely in their size, so the number may not be equal. I usually orchestrate the wrapped gift opening (Stocking stuffers and Santa gifts are unwrapped and may be opened as soon as everyone is up.Wrapped gifts are done after we have eaten breakfast and played with/enjoyed the first set for a while.) so that the kids' gifts appear to come out evenly. We open gifts one at a time. 

[HS Mom in NC]

You left out other. 

I think it's possible to be equitable when they get what they want and it's not the same number or amount of money.  My older two had far fewer items on their lists than my youngest.  It all added up to different amounts, but the older two got everything they wanted and it cost less than for youngest.  Youngest has a list a mile long, so there's no way that could happen for her, but she got quite a few things she wanted and it cost more than for the older two. 

[displace]

Then I can’t vote because that’s what I do. Same amount of $$ within a few dollars. Same number of gifts. Including the number in the stocking.

ETA: There are 4 kids and I do use spreadsheets.

I also try to do this, but voted money as more important, because it is to me. I have the same number of gifts, approximately, and generally similar amount spent (within $10 or so).

 

The spreadsheet is ultimate, though! I just keep a tally list running.

[Lady Florida.]

Ours are too far apart for it to have mattered (dss is 20 years older than ds) but I voted based on my experience with a mother who tried to balance out the dollar amount. She even did it when we got older. It drove me crazy. I didn't care how much or little she spent on me or how it compared to what she spent on my brother. If what I really really wanted was inexpensive then I didn't care if he got something that cost more. I also never (even as a kid) cared about a balance between the number of gifts. I just hoped to get something I wanted (within budget - we were poor). To me it was always more about getting something I wished for, not comparing what I got to what he got.

 

Needless to say, I voted that gift equity isn't important.