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would you say something? confiscate the phone?


caedmyn
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DD's having a birthday party and one of the guests is playing games on her phone and not participating or interacting with the other guests. Should I suggest or insist that the phone be put away during the party? She does this at times when DD is over at her house playing too...not impressed.

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I would ask her if she is bored and needs to go home? (and encourage her to put it away if she wants to say) she probably doens't know how to interact if she spends so much time on the phone, and may need suggestions of how to interact with people.

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Absolutely not. I wouldn’t say anything.

 

Whether you are impressed or not, she is your guest. Why would you confiscate something that belongs to someone else’s child.

 

If you don’t like her behavior, don’t invite her again. That is a natural consequence.

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We don't confiscate kids' phones. My boys don't like to hang out with people who are in their screens instead of interacting, so they usually don't invite them over or go to their houses...OTOH, there have been times when a teen obviously wanted to be around the group but was using a phone as a security blanket - I'd rather give him a chance to feel out the atmosphere and become comfortable, than to force a social maturity he's not ready for at that moment.

 

It's wrong to take away children's possessions. Kids are people, too. 

 

If a person is behaving inappropriately or dangerously at your house, you take him home or call his parents to come get him. If he's just not the best guest, and nobody's having fun, don't invite him again. No need to take his stuff.

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I think I worded that poorly...I meant suggest that she put the phone in her pocket or on the counter until the party is over. I'm not sure why a kid would associate their behavior with lack of a party invitation a year later...that seems like quite a stretch to assume that would register as a natural consequence.

 

I remember this is one of the reasons we haven't done parties with friends in a few years. The last party DD had, two of her friends brought a card game and spent most of the party going off by themselves and playing the game.

 

And all of these kids have demonstrated some pretty rude behavior in other areas so I think it's an issue of their parents not bothering to teach or enforce basic manners, not anxiety issues or anything else.

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The last birthday party my kids were invited to was pretty much a nightmare. The birthday girl was alternating between pouting and slamming doors and bossing everyone, including her parents around.

 

The guests were bored. The father of the birthday girl kept sneaking off to watch football instead of interacting with his kid.

 

And for some unknown reason, they had planned a 5 hour party.

 

My youngest just turned 8. Her sister spent a month sewing new Barbie clothes for her gift.

 

On her birthday, all she wanted to do was play barbies with her sister. Dh came home early to take us out for a birthday dinner. Dd asked if he could just grill something instead because they didn’t want to quit playing.

 

They played until bedtime. Dh had fallen asleep on the couch, so I let them play an extra hour after bedtime because you only turn 8 once in a lifetime.

 

I don’t think we will ever have birthday parties with more than our family and maybe one close friend.

 

In any case, you may be right about the child in question, but my kids would totally understand not being invited the next year.

 

Honestly, this child might just not be compatible with your daughter and that is okay too.

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I think I worded that poorly...I meant suggest that she put the phone in her pocket or on the counter until the party is over. I'm not sure why a kid would associate their behavior with lack of a party invitation a year later...that seems like quite a stretch to assume that would register as a natural consequence.

 

I remember this is one of the reasons we haven't done parties with friends in a few years. The last party DD had, two of her friends brought a card game and spent most of the party going off by themselves and playing the game.

 

And all of these kids have demonstrated some pretty rude behavior in other areas so I think it's an issue of their parents not bothering to teach or enforce basic manners, not anxiety issues or anything else.

 

It's a natural consequence in the long view...if she is antisocial everywhere she goes, she will soon find that there are fewer invitations. "Consequence" doesn't mean "punishment" - you aren't responsible for making sure she learns her lesson. You just make future choices based on the kinds of parties you want to host (and the kind of people you want to invite), instead of trying to parent or change potential guests.

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I would absolutely say something. I would frame it nicely - ask if everything is all right or if she'd like to join the game. Somehow I would kindly bring it to her attention that the she was invited to play. FWIW, I would do the same thing if a kid pulled out a paperback while everyone was playing. How is a kid supposed to know this is rude behavior if nobody every gently calls them on it? How would they understand the "natural consequences" of not getting an invite if nobody told them this behavior was a problem?

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Mine are grown now, but had they been at someone's home when they were younger and the parent thought it was their place to "confiscate" the phone . .  they would not be going back to that child's house.

 

My thinking being that if my child had a phone it was because I wanted them to have it. It would certainly not be okay for anyone to "confiscate" it.

 

ETA: A suggestion--even a relatively firm one--that she maybe should put the phone away and join in the activities would be fine, I think.

Edited by Pawz4me
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Would you ask an adult at a party to stop using their phone?

 

Obviously you think the behavior is rude.   I don't necessarily disagree with you, and if it were MY kid I would tell them to put the phone away.   But, unless the phone is actually dangerous (texting while driving) or holding up something (Sally is texting when she is supposed to be taking her turn) I wouldn't say anything.

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If it doesn't bother the birthday child I would just let it be. When I was a kid (long before phones) I would check out what books/comics the host had and ask if I could look at them. I would then sit in a corner the rest of the time, reading. I now realize how rude that is but honestly, it didn't bother anyone (those were parties with a bunch of kids just running wild) and I had a great time. I still remember one party where the brother of my friend had a huge pile of comics!

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My MIL was a nurse. She used to tell my BIL to quit reading and go play outside.

 

He made friends with the boy across the street and started going over there to play every day.

 

MIL was quite pleased until the neighbor stopped her one day and said, “We love having J come over. He is such a nice boy. He just sits on the couch and reads.â€

 

Never going to make an extrovert out of that one!

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No, I would neither say anything nor would I confiscate the phone. I wouldn't think anything of it. I would be very upset if I had dropped one of my children off at a party and later discovered that someone had taken away their phone. If I didn't want them to be on their phone, I wouldn't have let the child bring the phone. It's your house, so if this behavior bothers you, you are free to not invite that child to future parties. But please consider the situation before jumping right to the "this child is rude" conclusion. My son often has friends on the spectrum visit, and phones are pretty common here for kids who need time to de-stress, text mom, or some other reason. Gatherings can be stressful and not all children can be expected to be "on" the whole time. Some do this beautifully, others, not so much. 

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Actually I think if an adult was on their phone non-stop at a gathering, among the adults we hang out with, sooner or later someone would make at least a half-joking comment about it to them unless no one knew them well.

 

She ended up being on her phone for half an hour, off it for a while, then on it for another half hour-ish (and she said she was playing games). In between she acted bored and had enough attitude that the other girls were uncomfortable around her. I should have just asked her if she wanted to go home.

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My DD often uses her phone as a shield when she is uncomfortable/anxious, if you tried to take her phone I'd be seriously pissed and we'd likely have words when I picked her up.  Whether that's it or the kids just bored you should not take other people's stuff.  If you don't like it don't invite her again (IMO that's a huge over reaction and smacks of a control issue)..  

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We are not big on phones for teens or even young teens but I think we have passed the point where it is acceptable to ask for phones to be put up or to confiscate. I think the expectation is that people have phones now and they are part of our culture, rude or not. Personally I wouldn't mind an adult asking my child to put their phone away but not sure about confiscating. If my kid is that big of a problem please call me to pick him up.

 

I have found even in classroom settings parents are now very resistant to having phones taken away. I'm not, in that setting, but I have seen enough parents get extremely upset at the suggestion kids put their phones in a box that I wouldn't request that at a party ever. I would not risk that level of offense or confrontation.

 

I would say "hey Susie how about you join in with us?" but that is the extent of it.

 

Call it helicoptering or whatever but the technology has gotten to a point that people can be constantly in touch. Some parents/ children might be extremely uncomfortable if they don't have that connection if necessary. Every family makes their own phone choices for their own reasons. I just don't see it going well to step into that with anyone other than your own kids.

 

I just wouldn't put myself in the middle of all that. Annoyed maybe but that is it.

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If a child is mean to another child then I will intervene. If they are hurting an animal or even someone else’s property then I will intervene. (Most likely just by asking them to stop. ). A child on their phone is not hurting anyone other than perhaps their own social standing in the group. As others have mentioned, children have different reasons why they might be on the phone. It’s not my job to figure out why a child who is not mine, is on the phone or to judge it’s “reasonablenessâ€.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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I can see what you mean about parents being extremely resistant to their child being separated from their phone, teachermom2834. Even if I had asked her to put the phone on the counter, I would have had no problem if she'd said, "I need to text my mom" or whatever (and our house is 2 blocks from hers, btw).

 

Sorry, but IMNSHO a small subset of the population needing constant phone access due to ASD or anxiety issues doesn't mean the entire population should get a free pass to be glued to their phone at social events without it being considered rude.

 

And a child who behaves so poorly in multiple ways that she makes THE REST OF THE GUESTS AT A PARTY uncomfortable is not going to be invited back. If a child is going to act bored out of her mind, make repeated snide comments to other guests, and spend a large portion of the party playing games on her phone, she/he should just decline the invitation.

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I can see what you mean about parents being extremely resistant to their child being separated from their phone, teachermom2834. Even if I had asked her to put the phone on the counter, I would have had no problem if she'd said, "I need to text my mom" or whatever (and our house is 2 blocks from hers, btw).

 

Sorry, but IMNSHO a small subset of the population needing constant phone access due to ASD or anxiety issues doesn't mean the entire population should get a free pass to be glued to their phone at social events without it being considered rude.

 

And a child who behaves so poorly in multiple ways that she makes THE REST OF THE GUESTS AT A PARTY uncomfortable is not going to be invited back. If a child is going to act bored out of her mind, make repeated snide comments to other guests, and spend a large portion of the party playing games on her phone, she/he should just decline the invitation.

I get that the phone thing was rude, but how was it making everyone else uncomfortable?

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I can see what you mean about parents being extremely resistant to their child being separated from their phone, teachermom2834. Even if I had asked her to put the phone on the counter, I would have had no problem if she'd said, "I need to text my mom" or whatever (and our house is 2 blocks from hers, btw).

 

Sorry, but IMNSHO a small subset of the population needing constant phone access due to ASD or anxiety issues doesn't mean the entire population should get a free pass to be glued to their phone at social events without it being considered rude.

 

And a child who behaves so poorly in multiple ways that she makes THE REST OF THE GUESTS AT A PARTY uncomfortable is not going to be invited back. If a child is going to act bored out of her mind, make repeated snide comments to other guests, and spend a large portion of the party playing games on her phone, she/he should just decline the invitation.

Was the entire guest list on their phones? As far as I can tell, one child was on her phone. You don’t know why. The thing is, it really is none of your business why. If it bothers you that much then don’t invite her back.

 

You couldn’t tell that my Aspie had ASD from looking at him or even interacting with him, though you might think that he is a bit quirky. I have told maybe 1% of our real life friends and family because they don’t need to know and I respect my son’s privacy.

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Was this 11 year old? No I absolutely wouldn’t take the phone. But if it bothered my kid and she was shy it would teach her it is absolutely fine to say “Susie, I invited you over to play board games (or whatever). Would you please put your phone away and join me .†And it could become a deal breaker in not getting invited back if it bothered my kid enough and she didn’t come around to socializing. But I wouldn’t be comfortable taking control of another kid’s phone.

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I can see what you mean about parents being extremely resistant to their child being separated from their phone, teachermom2834. Even if I had asked her to put the phone on the counter, I would have had no problem if she'd said, "I need to text my mom" or whatever (and our house is 2 blocks from hers, btw).

Sorry, but IMNSHO a small subset of the population needing constant phone access due to ASD or anxiety issues doesn't mean the entire population should get a free pass to be glued to their phone at social events without it being considered rude.

And a child who behaves so poorly in multiple ways that she makes THE REST OF THE GUESTS AT A PARTY uncomfortable is not going to be invited back. If a child is going to act bored out of her mind, make repeated snide comments to other guests, and spend a large portion of the party playing games on her phone, she/he should just decline the invitation.

I think everyone agrees that nobody is under any obligation to keep hosting people whose behavior they dislike, endlessly inviting them back for more awkward parties...of course not.

 

Surely you can see a difference between a polite, well meaning anxious kid who keeps checking his phone more than the host would like, and the boorish behavior of the child you have described.

 

In other words, I don't think this is about a phone at all. Your little guest could have been just as rude in the 1980s or the 1880s.

 

It seems to me that you really want this child to learn some lessons about manners, and you'd like to be the one to teach her, by confiscating her phone, not "giving her a free pass," letting her know how rude she is. But the responses in the thread have all been about your behavior, not hers...because if you have good manners, as the host, you won't be putting a child in her place at your party. It's very impolite to scold or shame your guests.

 

You can send her home (or call her parents) if necessary, or you - or your child - can politely redirect (as Wooly Socks suggested) or just do what you can to keep the party moving while inwardly resolving not to invite this child the next time. If you think she needs raised better, take it up with her parents in a setting other than the middle of a party.

Edited by Tibbie Dunbar
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I think people are reading way more into this than there is/was. I do think she was very rude, and yes she could have been equally rude without the phone. Me politely suggesting that she put away her phone and join the activities, and then politely suggesting at the end of the party that she was free to go home as the "end time" had passed and she was clearly bored yet showing no inclination to leave (which I did), is not correcting her manners not being "controlling" toward her not scolding or shaming her. If a child had been hanging back and not participating, suggesting she come join in would have been considered being a good host so I'm not sure why this is any different, other than people's general techiness about phones and kids. I also don't understand why it's consider less rude to ask her to leave than to politely say something about the phone.

 

I'm not interested in correcting this child's manners or saying something to her parents. I prefer to just avoid (and have my children avoid) kids/people like this. Unfortunately my DD is a people pleaser and has a hard time standing up for herself and not being manipulated by other children, and she badly wants a friend in the neighborhood she can play with often, so she's willing to regularly put up with this girl's behavior. Hopefully eventually she will learn than having a friend who often treats you poorly is not better than having no friend at all.

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Well, I still think your time would be better spent empowering your own child to speak up and having a tool set for creating social events she enjoys than micromanaging social interactions between kids that will soon be teens.  I would keep those lines of communications open with your own child. 

 

If these were like 8 year olds I might have had a phone "station" for really young kids that have one.  Ie - set your phone on this table, and when you need to use it, come sit down and use it here.  I would more worry about it getting wet or destroyed and young kids need more direction.  We have had electronics killed by liquids before and shattered when kids were running around with them.  

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I have a sensory sensitive kid and he has been known to go in the corner with his phone because the party gets to be too much for him.  I would hope that if a parent chastises him, she would at least allow me to come pick him up if it has gotten to be too much for him.

 

 

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I have a sensory sensitive kid and he has been known to go in the corner with his phone because the party gets to be too much for him.  I would hope that if a parent chastises him, she would at least allow me to come pick him up if it has gotten to be too much for him.

 

This is completely off topic and on the other hand.  And I'm not talking to you directly DawnM at all.  This comment just reminds me.  But as someone who teaches and leads groups of kids, I think it's actually really helpful to give other parents/teachers a heads up before dropping off a child like this.  And I'm not saying disclosing an entire history.  But just the things that might come up in that context "Johnny is sometimes a bit overwhelmed by parties and noise.  If you notice he isn't participating or is hiding, you are welcome to call me to pick him up." or "Suzie deals with social anxiety by burying herself in her phone.  Let me know if that doesn't work at your house/class"   I do think it's easier to act in a positive kid affirming way if expectations are set ahead of time. 

 

I KNOW I've had kids with LD,ASD, sensory things in classes whose parents have said nothing and I'm glad I have some understanding of the issues that may come up in group settings.  But inevitably, if I have open communication with the parent if issues along these lines come up it's much easier to be proactive about it.  I think privacy and respect is important.  But if kids are in situations where their differences become obvious quickly, I don't think you're doing the child a favor not to say something ahead of time if they aren't at a place where they can advocate for themselves well.

 

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I think I worded that poorly...I meant suggest that she put the phone in her pocket or on the counter until the party is over. I'm not sure why a kid would associate their behavior with lack of a party invitation a year later...that seems like quite a stretch to assume that would register as a natural consequence.

 

It doesn't need to register.  A natural consequence is just that--a consequence that happens naturally.  It may or may not be noticed by the person.  

 

If you choose not to invite her next year as a result of her behavior this year, that is a natural consequence.  You're not doing it to teach her some sort of lesson.  You're doing it because you don't want to deal with her behavior again.

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My MIL was a nurse. She used to tell my BIL to quit reading and go play outside.

 

He made friends with the boy across the street and started going over there to play every day.

 

MIL was quite pleased until the neighbor stopped her one day and said, “We love having J come over. He is such a nice boy. He just sits on the couch and reads.â€

 

Never going to make an extrovert out of that one!

:lol: that's so funny.

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I think that falls into the category of parenting other people's children, which I generally don't do.

 

I would not take away the phone under any circumstance, as some parents might be very concerned that their kid is prevented from calling them.  The exception being if the parents discussed this in advance and all agreed.

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My MIL was a nurse. She used to tell my BIL to quit reading and go play outside.

 

He made friends with the boy across the street and started going over there to play every day.

 

MIL was quite pleased until the neighbor stopped her one day and said, “We love having J come over. He is such a nice boy. He just sits on the couch and reads.â€

 

Never going to make an extrovert out of that one!

My mom did that to me as a child and I would go to the neighbor's and knit and crochet. My mom was just as unsuccessful in trying to make me an extrovert LOL.

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I don't think there's anything wrong with spending less time with this child in the future.  Not everyone is cut out for everyone else.

 

But I also don't think there's anything wrong with people who don't want to join in on party games.  Maybe she is a rude kid.  Maybe she just needs some time to learn how to more politely avoid activities she doesn't enjoy.

 

I hate party games. 

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Not my kid...no, I would just ignore it.  However, I do have a rule that there are no electronics/computers/phones in the bedroom after 9 PM and I enforce whenever my kid has someone overnight.  The kids look at me weird, but the electronics are always downstairs at night.

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