Extended Family Gifts

[rainbowmama]

Last year, one set of grandparents gave one of my kids a pet for Christmas, even after I explicitly told them that no pets were allowed, that I wasn't up to taking care of a pet. It took me months to get them to take the pet back to their home, and it definitely upset my kid (but I was pregnant with a bunch of kids and just couldn't care properly for this creature). 

 

I really don't want a repeat of last year: so, how do you enforce rules about gift giving on extended family? 

[Kassia]

No advice, but that is awful that someone would give a child a pet without asking and even worse after you said not to! 

[Element]

Whoa. That's such a huge violation of boundaries. I probably wouldn't even celebrate the holidays with that family member again unless it was a mental illness which caused them to misstep so completely. 

[Elizabeth86]

Oh hell no. I wouldn't have Christmas with them again. I would be furious they put you in a spot to have to upset your kids that badly.

[Selkie]

That's such an awful thing to do to you, your kids, and the pet. I would be furious! 

[lavender's green]

I'd seriously consider skipping Christmas with them. That is a gross violation of boundaries.

 

 

[Sandwalker]

I saw a woman buying a little kid's drum set recently, and I joked that it was a loud gift. She said, "I know, I can't stand my daughter-in-law." :0

[bolt.]

I think the fact that you got the pet back to their house has probably been a learning experience for them about your boundaries. Therefore, having convinced them that you can and will enforce your boundaries, I think I would call and say, "Hey, so we had some present problems last year. It made the holidays less fun, and I don't want it to happen again. Do you want to give any gifts to my children for Christmas this year?" [presume yes] "OK, I will allow them to accept gifts from you, but only ones that I know about in advance and give my approval for. Please tell me exactly what you are planning to give them." [Take notes] "OK, I've got (repeat the list) as approved gifts. If you want to make any changes, you need to call. Please don't try to surprise me with gifts for the kids. I won't take it well." [presumed snarky comment] "Yes, I definitely hope this goes better than last year! Merry Christmas!"

[Word Nerd]

I doubt you’re the only parent who’d think that was a terrible idea! Who does that?!?

Edited December 9, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Guinevere]

If you are trying to keep the peace, I'd just tell them that you are maxed out on stuff. You love that they are invested in your kids, but all gifts need to be immediately consumable and/or stay at their house.

[Guinevere]

I should add that I avoid certain people during the holidays so that gifts are mailed. I intercept them at the mailbox, and take out anything I don't want the kids to have. We live away, and have purposefully limited contact. We see them for a few days a year, and we are with our kids for the whole time. We don't even do phone calls. Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.

[rainbowmama]

I saw a woman buying a little kid's drum set recently, and I joked that it was a loud gift. She said, "I know, I can't stand my daughter-in-law." :0

 

So, we are the only family with children at this point, and somehow, it became a game among extended family to try to find the loudest/messiest/most obnoxious toys they could find to give to the kids. They give other things, too, but this is part of it. I try to be a good sport, and most of those toys I just dump back at the giver's house after the initial enthusiasm for it abates in my house. However, the pet took this way further, and I've wondered if I should have nipped this game in the bud way earlier.

[Anne]

So, we are the only family with children at this point, and somehow, it became a game among extended family to try to find the loudest/messiest/most obnoxious toys they could find to give to the kids. They give other things, too, but this is part of it. I try to be a good sport, and most of those toys I just dump back at the giver's house after the initial enthusiasm for it abates in my house. However, the pet took this way further, and I've wondered if I should have nipped this game in the bud way earlier.

Aack!! One gift like that is funny in my book - a second one would vanish overnight after it arrived.

 

Just my mean two cents worth....

 

And I think Bolt and Guinevere have great responses to last year’s offenders.

 

Anne

[Catwoman]

I saw a woman buying a little kid's drum set recently, and I joked that it was a loud gift. She said, "I know, I can't stand my daughter-in-law." :0

I'll bet her daughter-in-law is really fond of her, too.

[SKL]

Can you do Xmas at their house or at a neutral place so you can refuse to take home any gifts that are unacceptable?

 

One hopes your relative learned his lesson about the pets, but just in case someone tries it again, warn your kids that they are not allowed to have a pet and if anyone tries to send one home with them, the answer is no.

 

For non-living gifts, if they are obnoxious to the point of being unacceptable, leave them with the relative and explain to your kids that Relative needs to fix xyz that's wrong with the toy before they can take it home.  For example, "uh oh, this toy's volume control doesn't work.  Uncle __ can you fix it and then give it to Junior when it works right?"  Or, "Uh oh, this book/dangerous science kit is for teens - Uncle ___ can you keep it at your house until Junior is old enough for it?"