Unequal Presents

[rainbowmama]

I have a preschooler who is growing out of his toddler bed. I am debating whether to give him his new bed for Christmas. Mostly, I worry about how the other kids will feel about him getting a huge, expensive present, much more expensive and bigger than anything they will get. However, he needs a new bed ASAP anyway, and like a Mom in December, I am tempted to put it under the tree as "something he needs."  Have any of you given a much larger, more expensive gift for one child than the others? How did the others feel? My husband thinks the other kids won't care, since it's not a toy.

[solascriptura]

I think the preschooler will care that he doesn’t get any toys.

[HomeAgain]

I don't know if I would do that, personally.  I think a bed should be given in January, not Christmas.

 

Yes, I have given more expensive gifts to one child than the other.  But we have a large age span, and toddler toys are not as expensive as older kid toys.

[SKL]

How old are the other kids?  You could tell them what you just told us - that you needed to buy this anyway and felt it would be nice to have more under the tree.  Of course if they think everything is from Santa, that would not work.  :)

[SKL]

And my kids would probably be like, "a bed is not a very good Christmas present!"

[rainbowmama]

I think the preschooler will care that he doesn’t get any toys.

 

None of the kids will get toys under the tree from us: they are the only grandchildren on both sides of the family, and the grandparents, uncles, and aunts tend to give them so many toys that we don't feel it necessary for any toys to come from us.

[SKL]

Personally I'm not adding up the cost, but my kids probably do compare.  The hard thing here is that one kid doesn't actually want much, but she also doesn't want her greedy sister to get more.  :p  Kid politics!

Edited December 5, 2017 by SKL

[Miss Tick]

My kids don't look at gifts and think in $ signs. They are strictly gift counters. Size can be an issue, but number is king here.

[prairiewindmomma]

A few thoughts:

1. Is this a worry your children have expressed in the past (value/size/quantity of presents)?

2. Trying to make everything equal is crazy making.  People have different needs, the end. I sure hope some of my children don't begrudge the tens of thousands we've spent on medical care for some of my children. It certainly has impacted their college savings accounts.

3. I'd be ticked if my present, as a 4 yo, was a bed.  If you choose to give only one present to everyone because of budget, fine, but let everyone get one present...and have the bed show up in January.

[Hilltopmom]

Give him fun new bedding to go with the bed as his “something he needs†gift, but give the bed before Xmas or after.

[kiana]

Do you give strictly functional gifts to all your other kids? If so, I don't see an issue -- but if everyone else is getting "fun stuff" and he's not, I think he would care. 

[Aura]

I haven't ever done that. I have a couple who would not care but also a couple that would probably get their feelings hurt.

 

So if it were me, I'd get the bed and not count it toward Christmas. Personally, I try very hard to keep things as close to even as I can for the kids, so unless I wanted to do some equivalent for all the kids, I would not put it for Christmas.

 

 

[rainbowmama]

Do you give strictly functional gifts to all your other kids? If so, I don't see an issue -- but if everyone else is getting "fun stuff" and he's not, I think he would care. 

 

From us, yes. They will get a bunch of toys from other family members on that day, so we don't do toys: I just don't find they appreciate an additional toy from us when they will get so very many from other family.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Based on your follow-up post (no one is getting toys from you), I wouldn't worry about it and I'd give the bed.  If you need to pull your older kids aside to explain, then do so.  My experience with my own kids is that they rise to the occasion in terms of maturity and grace when asked to and for good reason.  

 

I would consider having something small for the four year old to unwrap under the tree anyway:  favorite character-themed bedsheets, a pillow pet, a bed tent, a scavenger hunt to go find the (built) bed hiding in the garage...  

[Cinder]

And my kids would probably be like, "a bed is not a very good Christmas present!"

 

I personally wouldn't count a bed as an Xmas present unless the child was an adult who'd moved out and is trying to furnish their new living space. For our family beds are necessary pieces of furniture.

[amy g.]

I gave a kid a bed once for Christmas. She was thrilled. I had guests sleep in her room on Christmas Eve. After she went to sleep, we set up the new bed.

 

The next morning, I acted put out about the guests and told her to go check her bedside table and make sure that they didn’t leave any dirty dishes in there.

 

She was so happy and surprised.

 

As for inequality, I would be very disappointed in my other children if they were paying attention and comparing what siblings received.

 

Who would begrudge a toddler a new bed?

 

If one of my kids did, we would have a whole new year of tough love and lessons on gratitude and love for siblings.

[regentrude]

I consider a bed standard furniture parents provide independent of Christmas. I don't think a toddler will view the bed as a "big present". Same for basic articles of clothing etc.

 

This said, some years presents have been uneven between kids. Their needs are different, and I see no reason to make sure giving is "even" every time. It averages out over the years.

[Chris in VA]

I think you still have time to give the bed before Christmas, and then give something completely different for the actual day. 

I just don't see a new bed as a gift. UNLESS, of course, it is a canopy bed. Canopy beds are always in the gift category. :-)

[JFSinIL]

A bed is not a Christmas present. Nope. Unless you also get one of those bed tents that make it look like a fort or castle etc.

Edited December 6, 2017 by JFSinIL

[ebrindam]

I would not give a bed as a Christmas gift.

[OrganicJen]

I think it depends on the kiddo. My son got his big boy bed from my mom for his birthday and it was a great present for him he loved it and was so excited.

[amy g.]

When my oldest was 3, she fell in love with a bunk bed with Toy Story bedding. We have been using it for the past 20 years.

 

When she comes home for Christmas, she will be sleeping in the top bunk, although the bedding was long ago passed on.

 

Do you think your toddler will be thrilled with a bed for Christmas? If not, save it for another time.

[maize]

I would bring the bed into the home at a different time and not as a present.

[marbel]

I think it depends on the bed and the kid.

 

Some kids are cool with anything as a gift, even needs that the parent would buy anyway.  Some are not.  I knew a family that gave their kids jackets that were a required part of their school uniform as Christmas gifts.  I would never consider that a gift, but it worked for them. 

 

Some beds are functional and plain, and some are fun.  Like a canopy, as someone said, or a race car bed, or... other fun beds.

 

Thinking of my own kids' beds.... purely functional, not a gift.

 

I don't give toothbrushes as gifts, even in stockings, but I see that a lot of people do.  But if I had a little kid who wanted a special, fun kind of toothbrush, I might do that. I don't give basic personal care products to my dependent children, but I might give a special, highly desired kind of lotion or something that i wouldn't normally buy.

 

 

[EmseB]

I'm kind of chuckling at these responses.

 

Last Christmas my then 3yo got a "big boy bed" as his Christmas gift.  It was awesome!  We had all the boys "camp out" on Christmas Eve in the basement (they share a room) and set up his bed for him that night and put ribbons and bows on the door to their room. He got to open his big present last by going up to his room and going in through all the wrapping and being surprised. He thought it was so fun and awesome and loved sleeping in it that night.  And he still talks about getting a big boy bed for Christmas.

 

But we got the bed for $20 on Craiglist (metal frame, IKEA bed) and the mattress was an inexpensive one from Amazon.  So it was a "big present", but not hugely expensive. Oh, and some cool dinosaur bedding that I knew he would like.

 

So, I would say it depends on the kid.  In our case, we knew he would get a kick out of it and he did love it.  He always loves getting "big boy" stuff thought since he's the youngest brother and always trying to keep up with the older two.

Edited December 6, 2017 by EmseB

[Catwoman]

None of the kids will get toys under the tree from us: they are the only grandchildren on both sides of the family, and the grandparents, uncles, and aunts tend to give them so many toys that we don't feel it necessary for any toys to come from us.

Wow, that's so different from the way we have always done Christmas. I always wanted my son to get super-fun stuff from Santa and from dh and I. He got great gifts from other family members as well, but it never occurred to me that he shouldn't get toys from us as well.

[hjffkj]

A bed would totally fly as a present with my kids at that age!

[ealp2009]

I’m surprised at the number of people that would not give a bed. I received a bed from my parents when I was a kid and I was perfectly happy with it. (And it wasn’t even brand new) I might include a fun sheet set to make it a little more exciting. Just be careful because I have seen a number of polyester kids sheets out there lately.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ausmumof3]

My kids would get excited about getting a bed. They also get excieted about character toothbrushes and other things like that.

 

More often than not it's been the years I've bought toys out of feeling they were necessary that have been a disappointment. Like the remote control fire truck that sat on my 3 year olds cupboard because he was terrified of it. Or the sylvanian house that is rarely played with because my dd preferred the $6 tree house we got from the op shop.

 

I know it's different for everyone though so probably depends on the family culture.

 

I probably wouldn't just give a bed though there would be something fun with it.

[Mimm]

I would do it. With some fun bedding that he'd be into. You know your kid so if you think that would be something he'd be excited about, go for it. I would explain to the other kids after Christmas that it was something you were going to have to buy anyway, so you thought you would surprise him.

 

What do you normally get the kids? If they don't get toys from you, they must be used to more practical gifts.

[Mimm]

My four year old was recently upgraded, bed wise. It wasn't a gift for anything, but a couple months later, she's still thrilled with her new tall bed. :)

[StephanieZ]

Kids don't care about beds, at all. 

I would buy the kiddo a new bed pronto, and not call it a present.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I do have opinions about what a rotten deal it is to get something you needed anyway as a Christmas present, just because you needed it right around Christmas. I’m not a fan.

 

Parents provide beds when their kids need beds. Christmas gifts should be additional nice things not expected. I mean, I’m not going to be happy about it if dh says, “well, I just paid the electric bill, and it was about the same amount of money as I was going to spend on your gift, but let’s just say you got a paid electric bill for your gift.â€

 

And I say that even as someone who doesn’t care terribly much about gifts.

[Guest]

I think it depends on the bed and the kid.

Some kids are cool with anything as a gift, even needs that the parent would buy anyway. Some are not. I knew a family that gave their kids jackets that were a required part of their school uniform as Christmas gifts. I would never consider that a gift, but it worked for them.

 

Some beds are functional and plain, and some are fun. Like a canopy, as someone said, or a race car bed, or... other fun beds.

 

Thinking of my own kids' beds.... purely functional, not a gift.

 

I don't give toothbrushes as gifts, even in stockings, but I see that a lot of people do. But if I had a little kid who wanted a special, fun kind of toothbrush, I might do that. I don't give basic personal care products to my dependent children, but I might give a special, highly desired kind of lotion or something that i wouldn't normally buy.

Yeah, but also, some parents are totally kidding themselves. They are like, “oh, lol, my kids just Looooove opening gifts and I swear, I have wrapped up a roll of scotch tape and they were thrilled!†Well, maybe your kid is just a good little girl and would never spurn your doofy gift. ðŸ˜

 

I do not give toothbrushes or regular lotion, shampoo, lip balm, but I will give a special version of those things if the kid wants that. (Like all those Bath and Body works things dd wanted for years.) And my boys do like to get a box of Lucky Charms for Christmas and this is a family gag now.

 

I don’t know - frugal has it’s merits and sure, some Christmas budgets are really tight, but I went theough a freakin lot of Christmases in which I sheepishly told my friends about the notebook paper and pencils I got for Christmas. I have made it a point to give my kids nice gifts that are not just things they need or ought to have provided to them anyway. I do think a bed could be a fun gift if it’s done a certain way, but the way I would do it would then make it seem very unequal between the other kids.

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, DS got his true big boy bed at age 4 for his birthday, along with new bedding.  We have it on video.  He was THRILLED.  It was absolutely the highlight of his birthday.  He has long since forgotten the toys friends/family gave him.  What he remembers is that bed and his new "bedspwed".

 

But not all kids are thrilled with a bed as a gift so my first reaction was that maybe it should be given at a different time.  In your situation, though, none of the kids get more traditional toy type things from you and your husband so I don't see why the bed couldn't be a gift for Christmas.  They all will get a practical gift from you right?

[prairiewindmomma]

Quill is on to something. What message are you sending your kids if the grandparents get them all of the fun things that they want and you give them not fun things? I used to feel differently about this.....but I realized that my kids did think of my grandparents as fun people who really "get" them and us as not really caring for/appreciating them because we gave them practical gifts during the tight budget years.  I have made Christmas way simpler during tight budget years (stocking gifts only, or the like)--but the things that they receive are things that bring them a lot of joy.

[EmseB]

I do have opinions about what a rotten deal it is to get something you needed anyway as a Christmas present, just because you needed it right around Christmas. I’m not a fan.

 

Parents provide beds when their kids need beds. Christmas gifts should be additional nice things not expected. I mean, I’m not going to be happy about it if dh says, “well, I just paid the electric bill, and it was about the same amount of money as I was going to spend on your gift, but let’s just say you got a paid electric bill for your gift.â€

 

And I say that even as someone who doesn’t care terribly much about gifts.

Right, but this is why you also have to consider the individual and what they like and would be excited about.

 

IOW, I wouldn't get something for my kids as a gift that didn't rise to the occasion. But a big boy bed for my 3yo that he didn't expect or really need for another year probably...It was a great gift for him at that time.

 

Similarly, you take for granted the electric bill will be paid and rightly in your situation would see that as not any gift at all for your DH to pay it. But in certain situations I could see how paying a bill for someone could be considered a gift worthy of tears.

 

Interestingly, this thread reminds me at 12 or 13 I got to pick out my own new bed and bedding as a bday present and thought it was the bees knees. I still remember that bedspread. Was I stupid to love that gift because my parents needed to get me a new bed anyway? Did they really pull one over on me? No, they thought I would enjoy the gift and they were right.

 

OTOH, I'd never get my 10 or 8yo a new bed as a gift because they wouldn't want it as a gift.

 

So it all depends on the circumstances. To have the amazing luxury of not giving needed items at Christmas seems like a really great thing too. Sometimes money has to overlap from gifts to real life needs. And sometimes it's okay for kids to enjoy that and appreciate it even.

[OrganicJen]

One of my only memories from being two turning three is waiting on our balcony for my big girl bed to be delivered - I was super excited! So, from my toddler perspective, sure :)

 

Honestly, we've done Christmas all ways, including the year the girls wanted tin cups and pennies (and that's what we gave them) so, ya know, beds are fun.

That's how my toddler was when he got his big boy bed for his birthday from grandma...it was by far his most exciting gift. He would pile things onto it, take them off, climb up on it, climb down, drive his trucks on it, you name it...he stayed excited for weeks about that big boy bed.

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, I remember when I got my canopy bed.  I was older, maybe 10, but it was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!  I loved that bed to pieces...literally.   :lol:

[J-rap]

If you're concerned about it, why don't you wrap up some fun bedding and maybe a stuffed animal to go with it, and have that be the Christmas present.  Then you can present him with the bed itself later.  If siblings ask about it, you can say that only the bedding and stuffed animal were gifts; the rest was just a necessary piece of furniture.

 

Other than that, I think my kids would have loved a bed!  We've given unusual gifts before though, including used sports equipment.  The first Christmas gift my dh gave me was a winter jacket from a thrift store.  :)

 

 

 

 

[Sneezyone]

DD and DS have fall/winter birthdays so, inevitably, there is conflation between wants and needs. We try to keep things balanced but not necessarily even. I wouldn’t give a bed for Christmas but I would and have gifted a room makeover for DDs birthday.

[Alice]

I think for the toddler it’s all in the presentation. If you make it a big deal (like some of the people here described) and throw in a new lovey or sheets or something I think it becomes an exciting gift. 

 

For the other kids, depends a little on age. I can’t see a lot of kids getting jealous about “fairness†when the big present is a bed. If it was something like a bike and everyone else got small gifts....that’s a different story. 

[Guest]

Right, but this is why you also have to consider the individual and what they like and would be excited about.

 

IOW, I wouldn't get something for my kids as a gift that didn't rise to the occasion. But a big boy bed for my 3yo that he didn't expect or really need for another year probably...It was a great gift for him at that time.

 

Similarly, you take for granted the electric bill will be paid and rightly in your situation would see that as not any gift at all for your DH to pay it. But in certain situations I could see how paying a bill for someone could be considered a gift worthy of tears.

 

Interestingly, this thread reminds me at 12 or 13 I got to pick out my own new bed and bedding as a bday present and thought it was the bees knees. I still remember that bedspread. Was I stupid to love that gift because my parents needed to get me a new bed anyway? Did they really pull one over on me? No, they thought I would enjoy the gift and they were right.

 

OTOH, I'd never get my 10 or 8yo a new bed as a gift because they wouldn't want it as a gift.

 

So it all depends on the circumstances. To have the amazing luxury of not giving needed items at Christmas seems like a really great thing too. Sometimes money has to overlap from gifts to real life needs. And sometimes it's okay for kids to enjoy that and appreciate it even.

Yeah, I understand that and I knew if I didn’t spell out the first-world caveat that someone would point this out. But my impression of the OP was not that she only has the budget to give the kid a bed for Christmas, or don’t get her a bed at all until some later date, instead buying some toys that are unnecessary. The thread is titled “Unequal Presents†and I am reponsing to that. Making a bed the gift is probably not great unless you make it a big deal with bedding or the way the bed is presented and in that case, it will seem unequal.

 

I do know I have the great luxury of being able to expect that the electric bill will be paid, heating oil will be refilled, food will be replenished and none of these things will be my Christmas gift. I am thankful I have the great luxury of expecting those things. But, similiarly, my kids have to luxury of expecting that the furniture they need will be provided as part of the perks of not living in poverty. For my family, I would not do the bed as a gift.

[Lecka]

My sister gave my little niece a bed for Christmas, but it wasn't new, it was my old bed from when I was a child. They were worried about her not liking the big bed and they thought she would like it more as a Christmas present. They talked to my older niece (3 years older) and told her to say now she had a bed just like my older niece's. She was in on the surprise. I think they might have gotten matching comforters.

 

It was fine, my older niece already had a big bed so I don't think she cared at all.

[Guest]

I think for the toddler it’s all in the presentation. If you make it a big deal (like some of the people here described) and throw in a new lovey or sheets or something I think it becomes an exciting gift.

 

For the other kids, depends a little on age. I can’t see a lot of kids getting jealous about “fairness†when the big present is a bed. If it was something like a bike and everyone else got small gifts....that’s a different story.

I beg to differ.

 

One of my sisters got a canopy bed and I was always jealous of it. I had a bunk bed that my mother rescued from a trash pickup, not to say the bed was trash. That bed sufficed my whole childhood, but it did bother me that my one sister had a beautiful bed bought specially for her, while I only ever had a bed that turned up by someone’s curb.

[Lecka]

I can see that! My niece's bed was the same as my older niece's.... my parents bought my older two sisters matching twin beds, then I got one of them, then they went to my nieces one at a time. So they had the same bed, basically.

Edited December 6, 2017 by Lecka

[hjffkj]

I asked my kids if they would be excited for a new bed, take note that currently my almost 3 year old and 5 year old don't have beds because of us planning to move soon we didn't want to get new furniture until we move.

 

The 3 year old said no because she wants my bed. The 5 year old said no because he doesn't like beds

[Xahm]

The first "big kid bed" would be exciting for my kids. An up grade to a big kid loft or canopy bed could be a present somewhere in the future. Usually our kids get one fun present from us and maybe something useful, candy and useful stuff in their stocking, and boatloads of toys from extended family.

[Dmmetler]

DD got her Room partially redone at 5 and 10 for birthdays. At 5 because I realized she was still in a toddler bed (tiny kid) and at 10 because she pointed out she still had the Littlest Pet Shop bedding she’d gotten at age 5! She just got a mermaid pillow and throw (the ones with all the sequins that change color)for her 13th birthday, both from friends, so maybe it’s time to buy her new sheets again :).

 

No siblings to worry about, though.

[EmseB]

Yeah, I understand that and I knew if I didn’t spell out the first-world caveat that someone would point this out. But my impression of the OP was not that she only has the budget to give the kid a bed for Christmas, or don’t get her a bed at all until some later date, instead buying some toys that are unnecessary. The thread is titled “Unequal Presents†and I am reponsing to that. Making a bed the gift is probably not great unless you make it a big deal with bedding or the way the bed is presented and in that case, it will seem unequal.

 

I do know I have the great luxury of being able to expect that the electric bill will be paid, heating oil will be refilled, food will be replenished and none of these things will be my Christmas gift. I am thankful I have the great luxury of expecting those things. But, similiarly, my kids have to luxury of expecting that the furniture they need will be provided as part of the perks of not living in poverty. For my family, I would not do the bed as a gift.

I guess I don't totally understand your perspective (it's too much of an everyday item but jazzing up the presentation makes it too unequal of a gift), but obviously I don't have a beef with how/what gifts you do for your family. I guess as someone who has given and received a bed/bedding for a gift, I did feel defensive about your characterization of the whole idea, which is admittedly silly of me.

 

We're not into making Christmas totally equal and fair at any rate, but FWIW, my older boys were totally into surprising their little brother with his big boy bed. Just to say that it is possible to make a bed an exciting gift but not have other kids resent it. I don't know the dynamic of the OP's family well enough to say how it would work out.