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She "needs" a bra... what do I need to know?

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DD13 has some visible 'book' development, but only a small circumference, not the entire area. It's showing in some of her clothes.

 

I just had the nerdiest of all 'I think you need a bra' chats, using photos of a certain batman costume to illustrate what it looks like when your clothes fit (or drape) closely enough to reveal all sorts of bodily curves and details. We're calling it 'the superhero effect'. (I think I did a good job of not making it too sexualized or too icky-modesty focused.)

 

She's concerned that some pre-bras that she has had are uncomfortable (itchy, and maybe tight?) and she doesn't like visible straps. In addition, I'm not sure how a bra is supposed to work well with the combination of a flat physique and sudden small hemispheres.

 

We are thinking of shopping today -- where should we go? What should I look for? (I'm willing to be spendy, if there's a good reason for it.)

 

Help, please. I know it's big deal for her future body image.

Edited by bolt.

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I think first bras are always going to be uncomfortable for awhile because you're not used to wearing something there. So maybe talk to her about that so she can process the difference between unusual and actually ill-fitting.

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I just used to buy my dd12 bras from Joe Fresh at that stage.  They come in S/M/L for the most part, you don't need band or cup measurements.

 

If she needs something more, I'd take her to a place like The Bay to be fitted.  (Sears might have some good sales on now, too.)

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My dd is rail thin and has sensory issues. I get it!

 

Nordstrom's has the ?+tate bralette...cannot remember for the life of me the other name that goes with Tate!

 

Target has the cat and Jack line.

 

These were the best bets. At the "beesting" stage you really just need a pull over bralette style or if she prefers more sporty you can get the sports bra style. The strap will show more for sports bras.

 

They also have the padded kinds with cups. Dd didn't prefer to go straight to those until she had no choice 😉

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If she is comfortable with the shelf cami that works too. Mine didn't like the elastic feel of the shelf inside the cami. She is very sensitive to exposed elastics and seems.

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If she is comfortable with the shelf cami that works too. Mine didn't like the elastic feel of the shelf inside the cami. She is very sensitive to exposed elastics and seems.

 

Same here.  It gives me a rash. 

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I just started my dd with pullover sports crop tops. They have been a good introduction I think. It’s scary isn’t it??!!

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This has been an ongoing “battle†with DD and me. She does not want want to wear a bookshelf, but she needs to.

She could try just wearing a thin strapped tank.  That's what I wear.  Offers coverage but no support (I don't need support).

 

Bras are stupid.

  

The cami tank tops with a shelf

this is what we do. I still think she needs a little more, but at this point I am not going to push it.

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This has been an ongoing “battle†with DD and me. She does not want want to wear a bookshelf, but she needs to.    this is what we do. I still think she needs a little more, but at this point I am not going to push it.

 

I'm with her.  I hate wearing bras so I just stopped cuz I couldn't think of a reason why I should.

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I'm with her.  I hate wearing bras so I just stopped cuz I couldn't think of a reason why I should.

 

I feel that if you don't want to wear a bra, then don't. :) I know my mother-in-law rarely wore one, because given her size she didn't need support. 

 

Perhaps I do feel a reason to - could be that I'm a 32H. :p

 

And when a person develops, you will be able to tell whether or not she is developed, even if a bra is worn. 

Edited by Julie Smith
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maiden form crop bra worked well for my sensitive dd who thinks everything is scratchy.  I buy them at Kohls.   They go on over the head, no hooks and have removable pads.

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I'm with her.  I hate wearing bras so I just stopped cuz I couldn't think of a reason why I should.

Same here. I gave them up and never looked back. Okay, I do still own one but only for 1 particular dress I wear to comic con that has low, loose arm holes. 

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Lily of France bralettes have been a big hit here.  Kohl's carries them.  So does Amazon.  They have removable pads so you can choose or not choose to have the pads.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Lily-France-Dynamic-Seamless-Bralette/dp/B00C981PLY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511801066&sr=8-1&keywords=lily%2Bof%2Bfrance%2Bbralette&th=1&psc=1

 

They tend to come in a two pack for around $25.  I recommend a two pack that contains beige, which is by far the most useful color of bra ever invented.

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Honestly, I think "need" is tricky.

 

Do you just don't want them so obvious under clothes? Then a camisole/undershirt might work just fine.

 

I would not push it if she doesn't want to wear one.

 

(My encyclopedias require b00kshelves, so I understand need. I just don't think it's necessary so early.)

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I'm with her.  I hate wearing bras so I just stopped cuz I couldn't think of a reason why I should.

 

I sometimes do, sometimes don't. Women got along without them for a long, long time.

And when a person develops, you will be able to tell whether or not a bra is worn. 

Yes, but why does that matter? Oh look...it's a girl! She has the body parts of a girl! I just can't understand why knowing whether someone is wearing or not wearing a bra matters. Nor do I care whether or not other undergarments are utilized by others. If it makes them happy or comfortable, great! If not, not my body, not my business.

 

OP, as you put "needs" in quotes, I just wanted to point out that there are people of all size b00ks who do choose to go without. I hope you find something she likes if she chooses.

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I sometimes do, sometimes don't. Women got along without them for a long, long time.

Yes, but why does that matter? Oh look...it's a girl! She has the body parts of a girl! I just can't understand why knowing whether someone is wearing or not wearing a bra matters. Nor do I care whether or not other undergarments are utilized by others. If it makes them happy or comfortable, great! If not, not my body, not my business.

 

OP, as you put "needs" in quotes, I just wanted to point out that there are people of all size b00ks who do choose to go without. I hope you find something she likes if she chooses.

 

and FWIW, boys too have nipple changes that can be seen through their shirts

 

I won't argue with someone if they tell me they NEED a bra for comfort reasons.  I wouldn't know what is comfortable to them or not, but except for that reason, what is exactly is the need?

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I sometimes do, sometimes don't. Women got along without them for a long, long time.

Yes, but why does that matter? Oh look...it's a girl! She has the body parts of a girl! I just can't understand why knowing whether someone is wearing or not wearing a bra matters. Nor do I care whether or not other undergarments are utilized by others. If it makes them happy or comfortable, great! If not, not my body, not my business.

 

OP, as you put "needs" in quotes, I just wanted to point out that there are people of all size b00ks who do choose to go without. I hope you find something she likes if she chooses.

 

That is what I was trying to get at. 

 

I hear some people saying, "She needs a bra because you can see she is developing." I then state, "You will be able to see if she is developing regardless of the whether or not she wears a bra. So even if you think she should hide her development behind a bra, which she shouldn't (unless she wants to?)- it doesn't work!"

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I took my kids to Victoria's Secret to be fitted.  I fully expected it to be traumatic, but they weren't bothered by it at all and seemed to even enjoy the process.  My plan had been once I knew the sizes, to get cheaper ones elsewhere, but there was a sale and I wound up purchasing from them directly. 

 

ETA:  Prior to doing this, we had been doing little bralettes from Target, but I realized they needed something more....substantial.  And at 32C and 32DD, they really, really needed full bras and have appreciated the support.

Edited by Terabith

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Sleep bras or sports bras are a more comfortable option that still provide modesty. My 15 y.o. wears those except when she dresses up and needs to wear one of those convertible strapless/halter/etc. bras. She's only a B-cup so she doesn't need the support that my double D's do.

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She could try just wearing a thin strapped tank.  That's what I wear.  Offers coverage but no support (I don't need support).

 

Bras are stupid.

 

I'd be with you, but it's too hot most of the year here for extra layers in any unnecessary places.

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My daughter likes the bralettes (Target, Wal-Mart, Kohls) with the small padded liners in them. It smoothes everything out and she likes how she looks in clothes. I thought the padded thing was weird at first, but the ones without padding don't really do anything more than wearing an extra shirt.

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Hanes has some that are like soft, stretchy sports bras. I think they call them the “Cozy†bra. I found them at Target.

My DD likes these. Oldest wears bras daily and has (her choice) for a few years. Youngest is very bra-resistant. I just buy her looser tops and non-clingy shirts.

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We got the lined undershirts and bralettes from Gap. Nice and cheap and (I assume) comfortable - because DD is happy to wear them and she's one of those kids who doesn't even like wearing jeans most of the time.

 

Emily

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I don't think either of us would mind some rounded development -- but the headlights-forward look is a bit startling in someone who otherwise childlike in her figure.

 

She seems happy to get one, if it is comfortable. I'm not one to push it without her buy-in.

Edited by bolt.
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yellowberry (online) makes super comfortable, cotton, youngish bras.  They are not sexualized, they're made in the US, they're not terribly expensive, and they have some plain ones and some colorful ones.

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Oh and DD12 only wears one (like me) when going out, and even then it kind of depends on the shirt.  I explained the concept, and my personal hatred for bras (but my compulsion for wearing them in public, and the societal implications of either choice, etc.) and then left it for a couple of months - eventually she came to me and said she wanted a couple of bras for this or that occasion - gymnastics, going to the library, etc.  

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Oh and DD12 only wears one (like me) when going out, and even then it kind of depends on the shirt.  I explained the concept, and my personal hatred for bras (but my compulsion for wearing them in public, and the societal implications of either choice, etc.) and then left it for a couple of months - eventually she came to me and said she wanted a couple of bras for this or that occasion - gymnastics, going to the library, etc.  

 

What is the societal implication for not wearing a bra (or for wearing a bra)?  I'm curious now!

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People know you're not wearing a bra, and (at least when I was in school and gymnastics, but it might be somewhat different now), your friends and teachers and coaches will say, hey, why aren't you wearing a bra? or, you might want to tell your mom to buy you a bra, etc.

 

As a grown person people are generally more circumspect and will just look at you askance.  My general plan in life is not to be noticed and not to be looked at askance as much as possible, thus the bra.

 

I am unfortunately not one of those people who can go without one and no one really notices.  It is noticeable.  I flop.  I have always flopped.  I suspect DD will flop.

 

Maybe the apocalypse will come soon and we can all go live in the woods and no one will care about bras or leg shaving.  That would be a side benefit :)

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People know you're not wearing a bra, and (at least when I was in school and gymnastics, but it might be somewhat different now), your friends and teachers and coaches will say, hey, why aren't you wearing a bra? or, you might want to tell your mom to buy you a bra, etc.

 

As a grown person people are generally more circumspect and will just look at you askance.  My general plan in life is not to be noticed and not to be looked at askance as much as possible, thus the bra.

 

I am unfortunately not one of those people who can go without one and no one really notices.  It is noticeable.  I flop.  I have always flopped.  I suspect DD will flop.

 

Maybe the apocalypse will come soon and we can all go live in the woods and no one will care about bras or leg shaving.  That would be a side benefit :)

 

Yes, and some people will think you are trying to be sexual if you don't wear a bra. 

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People know you're not wearing a bra, and (at least when I was in school and gymnastics, but it might be somewhat different now), your friends and teachers and coaches will say, hey, why aren't you wearing a bra? or, you might want to tell your mom to buy you a bra, etc.

 

As a grown person people are generally more circumspect and will just look at you askance.  My general plan in life is not to be noticed and not to be looked at askance as much as possible, thus the bra.

 

I am unfortunately not one of those people who can go without one and no one really notices.  It is noticeable.  I flop.  I have always flopped.  I suspect DD will flop.

 

Maybe the apocalypse will come soon and we can all go live in the woods and no one will care about bras or leg shaving.  That would be a side benefit :)

 

I doubt anyone knows I'm not.  Even my husband didn't know.

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Well actually, I assume someone is trying to be sexual when they wear bras.  It's about having them be perky and up and more perfect right? 

 

Oh, for sure that's a thing, too. I think that it depends on the size. I wear a bra so they don't flop around to my waist - they would upset my equilibrium, seriously. So not wearing one would draw attention to them in the worst way, it would seem as if I wanted them to be noticed.

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Well actually, I assume someone is trying to be sexual when they wear bras.  It's about having them be perky and up and more perfect right? 

 

I agree with you if we're talking about push-up bras, or even underwires that significantly rearrange the tissue; I wear the most comfortable bra possible and it doesn't raise them at all but does sort of mush them against my ribcage so movement (flopping) is reduced. No underwires or pads or anything, just mushing.  

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It's like (imo) with hair - I do the minimum possible to have unremarkable hair with little effort and no up-selling.  The most modest thing, and the thing that would be the least sexualizing, I guess, would be to cover my hair, but that would draw attention in this society, so I don't.

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People know you're not wearing a bra, and (at least when I was in school and gymnastics, but it might be somewhat different now), your friends and teachers and coaches will say, hey, why aren't you wearing a bra? or, you might want to tell your mom to buy you a bra, etc.

 

As a grown person people are generally more circumspect and will just look at you askance.  My general plan in life is not to be noticed and not to be looked at askance as much as possible, thus the bra.

 

I am unfortunately not one of those people who can go without one and no one really notices.  It is noticeable.  I flop.  I have always flopped.  I suspect DD will flop.

 

Maybe the apocalypse will come soon and we can all go live in the woods and no one will care about bras or leg shaving.  That would be a side benefit :)

I guess I just don't care what anyone else thinks about it! I don't wear a bra OR shave. And I finally decided I don't care if anyone notices or what they think about it. When I first stopped shaving I would still do so if I was going swimming or going to wear shorts (which I very rarely do). Now I don't.  If I don't know them, their opinion doesn't matter to me. If I do know them, I would hope that who I am as a person is more important to them than my undergarments or shaving habits. 

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I wish I didn't care!  I don't like to stand out when I don't have to.  My DH is more like you; if he were female he definitely wouldn't shave or wear a bra or any of it.  The last thing he cares about is being looked at askance.  :)

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I wish I didn't care!  I don't like to stand out when I don't have to.  My DH is more like you; if he were female he definitely wouldn't shave or wear a bra or any of it.  The last thing he cares about is being looked at askance.  :)

It took me a few years to reach this point. I started with just not shaving in the winter and I would skip the bra if i had on a big hoodie, but still wore one in the summer under t-shirts. And shaved more often in the summer when I might wear shorts or swim. Then I started skipping the bra under t shirts if I was just running errands or taking the kids to the park, but would still wear one for things like family gatherings, going out to eat, things like that. It was a very slowly evolving thing for me to get to where I am now. 

 

I'm an atheist living in Utah, not wearing a bra is one of the last things I get looked at askance for!!  :lol:

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Oooo ooooo are we having bra arguments? What Fun!!

 

Another vote for the tank with built in bra. That’s all I wear these days. I gave up regular bras after having shoulder surgery and have never looked back. I’m a 36C these days and nursed four kids. I get all the support I need from a shelf bra.

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I'm trying to understand all of the 'tank' suggestions. Do people really wear an entire tank top under their various t-shirts, tops and dresses all day, every day?

 

In my imagination having an extra layer all over (especially around the waist) would seem a lot more bulky and intrusive than just a bra or bralette.

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