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AimeeM
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I don't think an abuse victim has a responsibility to inform others; sometimes doing so leads to more and different types of abuse.

 

If the victim is healthy, secure, and competent--it would be good to share information to protect others. If they are in a vulnerable or weak position, because of age or other factors, I don't think it would be right to say they have an obligation to inform.

Edited by maize
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I don't think an abuse victim has a responsibility to inform others; sometimes doing so leads to more and different types of abuse.

 

If the victim is healthy, secure, and competent--it would be good to share information to protect others. If they are in a vulnerable Or weak position, because of age or other factors, I don't think it would be right to say they have an obligation to inform.

 

Thank you

Edited by AimeeM
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I believe they have a moral obligation if it could prevent harm to another BUT I would not condemn them for not doing so. We all have different ways of coping and different requirements for self protection.

 

If there is no risk to others by not speaking out then victims right trump all other issues.

Edited by kiwik
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So, even if not informing others directly puts others at risk of the same abuse, the victim has no moral obligation (legal aside) to protect others from the same?

 

Let's assume that the victims in this situation are not at risk of further "same" abuse in any way. Speaking out may indeed mean that certain people may no longer speak to them, which may put them in a position of isolation from people they care about, but not abuse.

 

Not arguing at all -- just looking to clarify.

I think that informing in many situations would be the heroic thing to do, the self sacrificing thing to do.

 

I don't think that a person who has been the victim of abuse should be shamed for not going on to do something heroic in response.

 

Informing would be best. Informing might possibly save someone else from abuse. The abuser remains responsible for the abuse, not a person who fails to report.

 

I think I see informing as a moral ideal more than a moral obligation. Failing to live up to an ideal is human, meeting the ideal is heroic.

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as for the one who didn't actually "directly abuse someone" - did they enable the abuse?  did they protect the abuser?

why does it leave a bad taste to maintain contact with this person?  it sounds like there is a lot more there than you are recognizing.

 

the problem with informing others . . . they often don't want to know.  for those who grew up with it, to acknowledge heretofore ignored abuse requires a paradigm shift of their own self-concept. it can incite great anger, even from other abuse victims, because you just opened pandoras box and they were happy it was closed.

 

for those who came into the family, the abuse may be something totally beyond the scope of their experience and they can't comprehend it.  so - anyone who says anything is just a drama queen, because that just couldn't be true.  or if they came from an abusive family - it is again, they have to face their own self-concept, which can be profoundly uncomfortable.

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Where psychological damage is concerned, I don't think it is possible or meaningful to speak of generic moral obligations. We can only interact with the world through our own perceptions, and it may not be possible for a person with psychological damage to perceive things the way an observer believes they should perceive them.

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I think that adults have a responsibility to protect children from physical/sexual harm, always.  To me, verbal harm is a mixed category.  Running interference and teaching kids how to deal with others who express themselves unkindly can be fine.  

 

In the case you mentioned, OP, I wonder about the extra person and why the idea of dealing with them is so onerous.  Is it that you think they would not believe you?  Or that they should have been more protective than they were when this was going on?  Or that you just associate them with the abuse for coincidental reasons?  (I am not asking you to answer here; but to consider these questions more fully your own self, in private.)  

 

I tend to be more in favor of staying in contact with family than most here on these boards, but there comes a point...in dealing with narcissism for instance...where there is really nothing to salvage relationally.  And again, kids need to be safe.  Full stop.

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I feel they have zero obligation. I was abused and I told one person to try and protect their child who is my family. I wish I could go back and say nothing. They didn't believe me and that fear was a huge reason I never told as a child. So, I was not only abused but I lost people I love and care about and telling did zero good since they didn't believe anyway. 

 

I still haven't told some very close people to me and that person and I never will. Thankfully, my abuser has now passed away. If someone came forward who was abused before I was and could have spoken and protected me, I would definitely not blame them or shun them. I would just feel horrible that they experienced what I did. The only person I blame is the person who abused me. 

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In a perfect world, an abuse victim would feel safe and supported enough to tell everyone in order to prevent others from being harmed by the abuser.  And everyone would rally around the victim, protecting him/ her from further harm, protect any other potential victims, and isolate/ prosecute the abuser. 

 

Rarely is the world perfect or any approximation therof. 

 

Victims are often terrorized by their abusers in ways that leave them deeply traumatized and struggling with shame, fear, guilt, and fear of harm.  They can spend decades believing the family would believe that they did something wrong or that they will be condemned or ostracized for making an accusation that they cannot prove.  They need assurance of support.  Ostracizing the victim is ridiculous and punishes exactly the wrong person.  Her attacker probably told her nobody would believe her and that she would be rejected. 

 

Don't prove him right. 

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We all have a responsibility to protect children from possible abuse. We all have a responsibility to protect the elderly from possible abuse. We all have a responsibility to protect disabled people from possible abuse. That responsibility is regardless of whether we are a victim or not. We don’t necessarily have to inform others of our own abuse in order to protect others.

 

 

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In a perfect world, an abuse victim would feel safe and supported enough to tell everyone in order to prevent others from being harmed by the abuser.  And everyone would rally around the victim, protecting him/ her from further harm, protect any other potential victims, and isolate/ prosecute the abuser. 

 

Rarely is the world perfect or any approximation therof. 

 

Victims are often terrorized by their abusers in ways that leave them deeply traumatized and struggling with shame, fear, guilt, and fear of harm.  They can spend decades believing the family would believe that they did something wrong or that they will be condemned or ostracized for making an accusation that they cannot prove.  They need assurance of support.  Ostracizing the victim is ridiculous and punishes exactly the wrong person.  Her attacker probably told her nobody would believe her and that she would be rejected. 

 

Don't prove him right. 

 

reality is, most people close to an abuser don't want to hear about it - and will often turn it around on the victim who comes forward.   this happened to a niece, her abusers family attacked her.  he's now in jail (for abusing non-family members), but no one in her extended has ever apologized for attacking her.

 

 

We all have a responsibility to protect children from possible abuse. We all have a responsibility to protect the elderly from possible abuse. We all have a responsibility to protect disabled people from possible abuse. That responsibility is regardless of whether we are a victim or not. We don’t necessarily have to inform others of our own abuse in order to protect others.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

we dont' live in a black and white idealized world.  sometimes things are far easier said than done.  sometimes victims do speak out, and what happens is the rest of the family then victimizes them for daring to speak out.   to speak out that creepy uncle joe is abusing - begs the question, "how do you know?".   without proof, no one will believe, but will see you as a trouble maker and can lead to further ostracism.   That is an extremely difficult, and sometimes downright precarious position for someone who has been damaged by abuse, but has not recovered sufficient strength to stand on their own.

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