S/O social and cultural differences re family meals

[Sneezyone]

In my family this would be a huge host and GF failure. The offenders would be the butt of jokes for years to come. Leftovers are a given. Family members are responsible for seeing to/caring for their invited guests. We buy/have extra plates (to-go containers) so people can take leftovers home. I had seven ppl. avail themselves of this option for Thanksgiving and we still had leftovers for ourselves. There is always plenty of food. If I invited someone to dine with my Mom's family, which is known for lilliputian portions, it'd be my job to warn my guest to eat in advance or save a plate.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Halftime Hope]

My family has already decided that my headstone will read, "No one died hungry on my watch."  With that in mind, I cannot understand no leftovers. 

 

In both my family and dh's, every household would take home at least enough for a full meal for the entire household, usually meat, dressing, potato casseroles, and various sides.  In my FOO, cherry coke jello and homemade rolls, too. 

 

We all would cook at least double what we expected everyone to eat, and everyone would bring larger portion of a dish or two, so we could all take home plenty. If you're going to all the trouble, you might as well enjoy it twice.  :-) 

 

In our family, no one dished a second, individual, carry out plate for themselves. The ladies would all divide the left-overs, with leftover priority going to grandparents who got enough for several meals, and leftovers were sent home family style.

[KungFuPanda]

Is anyone else reading this thread WHILE eating Thanksgiving leftovers. While I still don’t think this was the GF’s “fault†I’ll admit to never having attended or hosted a Thanksgiving dinner where they ran out of food.

 

I just put away a dish of apple-cranberry crisp.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

If a person is coming, but due to work, will be an hour late, you make up a plate and keep it for him or her. That's just polite.

 

This.

[mamaraby]

As a member of an LEO family where one may or may not be able to make it to a holiday meal on account of work, may bring someone else along with them for dinner, and just generally deals with uncertainty regarding the arrival of a guest due to work, you make a plate. Cuz they’re working. And to do otherwise is rude.

 

I even had an aunt who was late for non-work reasons. We may have eaten without her one year, but you can bet she still had food to eat.

 

Also, I’m a card carrying member of the “no one went hungry on my watch†crew. We also teach the kids to subtle art of adjusting the amount of food one takes to match the supply and number of people needing to eat after you.

[HS Mom in NC]

Is anyone else reading this thread WHILE eating Thanksgiving leftovers. While I still don’t think this was the GF’s “fault†I’ll admit to never having attended or hosted a Thanksgiving dinner where they ran out of food.

 

I just put away a dish of apple-cranberry crisp.

 

Yes! I was eating turkey/almond/curry salad when I started reading this. It was delicious. Then I browsed turkey pot pie recipes.

 

[hornblower]

A number of people in my family work in occupations which are 24/7 jobs and odds are someone is working some holiday during the year. In the past,  I've been the person who arrives 1-4 hours late to a big dinner fancy sit down holiday dinner. 

There's always food set aside for the missing person. If they never arrive (unexpected overtime at work etc), the meal is sent home for them with a spouse or kept for them in the fridge for pick up later etc. 

The only thing I can think of is....is this family very poor? Because then this would make sense. There aren't always leftovers if you can barely scrape the ingredients together to make a meal for the guests. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Are some people just not accustomed to routinely dealing with working family members on TG?  My step-dad (who I grew up with) was a night shift printer for a newspaper, one step-brother works for the power company, my brother works for Intel's manufacturing plant, and my daughter is a birth and postpartum doula, all of which are places that don't close on TG.  When I was a kid we went to my maternal grandmother's house for the meal without my step-dad because he was working and my mother would take enough leftovers after the meal to the newspaper for my step-dad and his co-worker friends to eat the leftovers on their lunch break (late at night.) The TGs my brother works at Intel he stacks his lunch break and other breaks into a 2 hour window and we plan for lunch or he comes an hour late if we plan dinner.  He always has plenty of food when he gets here.  

When you plan to feed everyone, a few extra people, and have leftovers but Great Aunt Hortense can't bring her 3 usual dishes because she has the crud that's been going around, it shouldn't be a problem because everyone else brought enough of their dishes for the meal and leftovers, so worst case scenario people eat what's there, including what should've been leftovers, and no one, including the 3 people who show up late because they're coming from work and the in-laws' house, goes home hungry.  No leftovers to take home, but all the bases were covered for the meal for everyone.

If my family had been replaced by pod people who brought too little I would've texted BF with something like, "In today's episode of My Crazy Family, Lisa has to tell her boyfriend to stop and eat some fast food before he gets to her family's house because THEY'RE ALL OUT OF Food!?! I'm not kidding.  Eat before you get here because you won't be able to eat after you arrive. This will be discussed at length in private later. "

[sassenach]

Wow, I've never heard of anything like Teddy's family. 

 

But I'm with your BIL. I think it's pretty sad that the GF didn't make him a full sized plate.

[MaeFlowers]

I'm another who thinks Teddy's circle is unusual. If someone came to my house and did what they do, they wouldnt be invited back. I do think she should have saved him a plate. It would have been nice but we dont really know why what happened, happened.

 

I am the odd one out on leftovers, though. I cook with the intention of not having leftovers. If 20 people are coming, I plan for 25. It would never occur to me to cook double so that everyone has something to take home. (Nor would I ever expect anyone to cook enough for me to take some home, either.)

[SKL]

Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of leftovers and most of my family isn't either.  Basically we are fat enough.  :P  I don't enjoy taking leftovers home, and my folks don't enjoy having leftovers in the fridge in excess of what they can eat over the next few days.

 

Another family culture difference - in my fam, we don't all bring a bunch of food.  Most guests are not expected to bring any.  Some bring desserts.  I bring the wine.  A couple of my siblings bring side dishes if they want to, but it is not expected.

 

Most of my siblings have their own meal or eat with their in-laws before coming over to my parents' for late dinner.

 

So for us, the quantity of food at the folks' dinner is targeted to be abundant so nobody leaves hungry, and so my parents can enjoy the leftovers for a few days, but that's it.  So that means that a reasonable guest count is needed in advance.  This year my folks got late notice that some people were coming, so they rushed out and bought an additional turkey breast on top of the original turkey they had prepared.  Then some of the people decided not to stay and eat after all.  I think that if this happens again, my folks will not work so hard to accommodate last minute guests.  It might mean there are no leftovers.  And honestly, I don't think it's fair to expect and judge when older people don't cater to every guest's quirks and fancies.  I know my folks physically hurt and exhaust themselves when they host a big meal.  They have help, but it's still hard on them.  If everything isn't perfect, I hope people would have the sense to shut up and deal with it.

[Sneezyone]

Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of leftovers and most of my family isn't either. Basically we are fat enough. :P I don't enjoy taking leftovers home, and my folks don't enjoy having leftovers in the fridge in excess of what they can eat over the next few days.

 

Another family culture difference - in my fam, we don't all bring a bunch of food. Most guests are not expected to bring any. Some bring desserts. I bring the wine. A couple of my siblings bring side dishes if they want to, but it is not expected.

 

Most of my siblings have their own meal or eat with their in-laws before coming over to my parents' for late dinner.

 

So for us, the quantity of food at the folks' dinner is targeted to be abundant so nobody leaves hungry, and so my parents can enjoy the leftovers for a few days, but that's it. So that means that a reasonable guest count is needed in advance. This year my folks got late notice that some people were coming, so they rushed out and bought an additional turkey breast on top of the original turkey they had prepared. Then some of the people decided not to stay and eat after all. I think that if this happens again, my folks will not work so hard to accommodate last minute guests. It might mean there are no leftovers. And honestly, I don't think it's fair to expect and judge when older people don't cater to every guest's quirks and fancies. I know my folks physically hurt and exhaust themselves when they host a big meal. They have help, but it's still hard on them. If everything isn't perfect, I hope people would have the sense to shut up and deal with it.

I think this is completely cultural too. Over this last holiday, DD was invited to two different Philippino family events and they were the same as ours, tons of food and everyone welcome, even last minute folks. My step-mom’s big Mexican family does the same thing. I think large, open families tend not to do fine china affairs with limited portions and it’s usually the middle age folks who do all the cooking/cleaning even if the elders contribute a home for the affair. And really, they usually just get picked up and taken to the affairs these days. Nothing gets wasted either. Anything we can’t eat is packaged up (nicely) for distribution at local ‘feed the need’ fridges for hungry workers and transients (or whatever the local equivalent is). My mom’s family/generation are more on the formal side. My cousins and I, who’ve since taken over, operate more like those who married into the family. Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Carrie12345]

I've never been to an event where there weren't plentiful leftovers.  I just came home from one last night, where there were about 30 people, and we were all required to bring leftovers home, lol.  Nobody really *wants* to bring the leftovers home (except the kids), but everybody always wants to make sure we don't run out of food.  Especially for events that don't always have an accurate head count.

 

In the given situation, I would expect an actual plate to be made.  Perhaps Bill could have politely said he would miss dinner due to work and would catch up for dessert, but it would be clear to me that that would mean Bill wasn't going to have a chance to eat any dinner, and I just wouldn't be able to allow that to happen.  You must have Thanksgiving dinner before Thanksgiving dessert!

[Epicurean]

Nm

Edited November 26, 2017 by Epicurean

[SKL]

That’s insane! I’d be so miffed if I was expecting a family meal, didn’t cook one myself since there were plans, and then got stiffed because of a lazy host.

 

While I would definitely be disappointed, I would assume the host had something very bad happen to her, either illness or some great grief that she may not have been able to talk about.

 

[Annie G]

While I would definitely be disappointed, I would assume the host had something very bad happen to her, either illness or some great grief that she may not have been able to talk about.

 

 

Then the host must be the most unlucky person in the world, because the poster said 'after a decade of that' they eat before they go to family meals.  A decade is a lot of family meals that are interrupted by illness or other events.   Perhaps the poster's in laws want the convenience of hosting but not the actual work of hosting. 

[marbel]

Are some people just not accustomed to routinely dealing with working family members on TG? 

 

 

Yes, yes there are.  Unsurprisingly, not everyone's family is the same.

 

When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was for immediate family most years, though sometimes aunts and uncles would come over.  No one worked those days.  No one brought extra people.  

 

As an adult with my own family (husband/kids) but no extended family around, I had years of large Thanksgiving dinners with lots of friends. I would work it one of two ways:  either a big sitdown at a set time, with everyone arriving in time ("dinner will be at 6, come over anytime after 5") or an open-house type with food coming out at different times ("come over anytime between 4 and 8; there'll be food").  For the open-house type, I would keep some aside, either kept warm or cold, to bring out as people would arrive so they could also serve themselves the things they liked.   I would decide which type of dinner to do based on the availability of the guests involved.  So, say, if some people were traveling and uncertain of their timing, or others had to work or had other obligations, I'd do it open-house style. 

 

I've never in my life set aside a plate of food for someone, and honestly the thought of arriving at a dinner to receive a ready-made plate of room temp food makes me a little queasy.  Then what?  Microwave the whole thing? Hot cranberry sauce?  If I was having a regular sitdown dinner but someone was delayed, I'd set aside some of everything for them and let them make up their own plate.

 

This thread is cracking me up.  Family cultures are different.  Most people do want to feed all their guests (family/friends) abundantly but not everyone is an expert in planning and estimating like some of y'all. Not everyone has multiple aunts bringing all their best Thanksgiving dishes. We have no idea what Bill's Girlfriend's family's dinner situation was and why there wasn't any food for him. Yes, as an invited guest he should have been given food.  Yes, Girlfriend should have alerted him before he got there so he could get something to eat on the way.  Everyone should manage these sorts of situations with sincere apologies and good humor.   And pizza.  A couple of pizzas stashed in the freezer can cover a multitude of problems. 

Edited November 26, 2017 by marbel

[regentrude]

I can imagine this happening at my MIL's house. I don't think I have ever been to a holiday meal that she hosted that there was enough food. Once she invited everyone (about 25 people) over for a holiday dinner. I asked what I could bring and she said she had it all covered, so I just brought a dessert.  We arrive for dinner and she informed us that she didn't feel like cooking after all.  And she didn't.  There was no supper, only desserts. My DH and his siblings went through the fridge to pull out lunchmeat and leftovers from earlier that week. I think we ended up leaving and going to get fast food.  After a decade of that, we now eat before we go or bring lots of sides, no matter what she says she has covered.

 

That's bizarre. Why would anybody tolerate this for a decade?? 

Edited November 26, 2017 by regentrude

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Yes, yes there are. Unsurprisingly, not everyone's family is the same.

 

When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was for immediate family most years, though sometimes aunts and uncles would come over. No one worked those days. No one brought extra people.

 

As an adult with my own family (husband/kids) but no extended family around, I had years of large Thanksgiving dinners with lots of friends. I would work it one of two ways: either a big sitdown at a set time, with everyone arriving in time ("dinner will be at 6, come over anytime after 5") or an open-house type with food coming out at different times ("come over anytime between 4 and 8; there'll be food"). For the open-house type, I would keep some aside, either kept warm or cold, to bring out as people would arrive so they could also serve themselves the things they liked. I would decide which type of dinner to do based on the availability of the guests involved. So, say, if some people were traveling and uncertain of their timing, or others had to work or had other obligations, I'd do it open-house style.

 

I've never in my life set aside a plate of food for someone, and honestly the thought of arriving at a dinner to receive a ready-made plate of room temp food makes me a little queasy. Then what? Microwave the whole thing? Hot cranberry sauce? If I was having a regular sitdown dinner but someone was delayed, I'd set aside some of everything for them and let them make up their own plate.

 

This thread is cracking me up. Family cultures are different. Most people do want to feed all their guests (family/friends) abundantly but not everyone is an expert in planning and estimating like some of y'all. Not everyone has multiple aunts bringing all their best Thanksgiving dishes. We have no idea what Bill's Girlfriend's family's dinner situation was and why there wasn't any food for him. Yes, as an invited guest he should have been given food. Yes, Girlfriend should have alerted him before he got there so he could get something to eat on the way. Everyone should manage these sorts of situations with sincere apologies and good humor. And pizza. A couple of pizzas stashed in the freezer can cover a multitude of problems.

How to set aside a plate of food for a working person who will be late:

 

1. Start with your own kitchen, or that of a sympathetic host.

2. Make a plate of foods meant to be eaten hot - turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green beans, corn. Plastic wrap it, and put it in the fridge.

3. Get out the Tupperware, gladware, or sandwich baggies, or small plates and more cling wrap, and save a portion each of cold foods - cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie. Put these in the fridge.

4. Save some room temperature stuff - a couple of rolls, some cookies, celery, nuts.

 

When your person arrives, greet them, thank them for working on the holiday, nuke the plate of hot foods, bring out the cold and room temperature foods, and pour the coffee.

[marbel]

How to set aside a plate of food for a working person who will be late:

 

1. Start with your own kitchen, or that of a sympathetic host.

2. Make a plate of foods meant to be eaten hot - turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green beans, corn. Plastic wrap it, and put it in the fridge.

3. Get out the Tupperware, gladware, or sandwich baggies, or small plates and more cling wrap, and save a portion each of cold foods - cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie. Put these in the fridge.

4. Save some room temperature stuff - a couple of rolls, some cookies, celery, nuts.

 

When your person arrives, greet them, thank them for working on the holiday, nuke the plate of hot foods, bring out the cold and room temperature foods, and pour the coffee.

 

LOL, that's fine, and certainly better than what I was picturing (didn't someone say something about making up a plate and sticking it in the microwave or other out of the way place?) but I'm still happy with my way of storing things separately so the late-arriving guests can take what they like and skip what they don't.   

Edited November 26, 2017 by marbel

[SKL]

Anyway, for me the holiday is more about the getting together than the food.  Hence our modified family tradition of [some] people arriving and leaving before or after the meal, having had another meal elsewhere.

 

Anytime someone complains about any aspect of the hosts' work, I suggest they host the dinner at their house next year.  Obviously they are more suited to the task.  However, the matriarch and patriarch are unlikely to attend, so decide what you really care about.

 

[rainbowmama]

I can imagine this happening at my MIL's house. I don't think I have ever been to a holiday meal that she hosted that there was enough food. Once she invited everyone (about 25 people) over for a holiday dinner. I asked what I could bring and she said she had it all covered, so I just brought a dessert.  We arrive for dinner and she informed us that she didn't feel like cooking after all.  And she didn't.  There was no supper, only desserts. My DH and his siblings went through the fridge to pull out lunchmeat and leftovers from earlier that week. I think we ended up leaving and going to get fast food.  After a decade of that, we now eat before we go or bring lots of sides, no matter what she says she has covered.

 

My in-laws are like this. Whenever I've gone over for a holiday meal, everything is divided pretty meticulously by the host so that everyone gets a fare share and there generally isn't extra. I've definitely left hungry. They really value frugality and minimizing waste. It was really weird to me the first, but now I'm used to it and just bring a lot of food (and blame fussy eaters so as not to embarrass them).

[QueenCat]

If a person is coming, but due to work, will be an hour late, you make up a plate and keep it for him or her.  That's just polite. 

 

Exactly, it's not like he was just running late. The idea that others have mentioned that he should just expect dessert, knowing he would not have had time for dinner since he was coming from work, is insane. I can't imagine, as a host, not having made enough for everyone and then some. This is Thanksgiving dinner, not a formal dinner party. Guess my doctor cousin should never expect to be fed at holiday dinners since he's almost always on call or in the ER for parts of holidays. 

[rainbowmama]

That's bizarre. Why would anybody tolerate this for a decade?? 

 

What's the alternative? Not seeing someone for big holiday meals? Embarrassing them about their poor hosting skills? I think in a family, where people love each other, we forgive these kinds of faults and just make do by bringing a bunch of food.

[catz]

One thing that is not clear to me from the OP is the GF hosting this meal all on her own at her own house?  If so, she really should have just bumped the meal an hour to include the boy friend fully.

 

If it was at someone else's home or if the meal was more of a potluck, I see how it would be more difficult and possibly awkward to set food aside.  Or how misunderstandings about it might occur.  I personally like to pick and choose my own foods and wouldn't be super excited about a plate all set up for me.    And I also feel like it's more about the get together than the meal too.  It sounds like he was offered something at least. 

 

And it is more about the reactions to me too.  Was BF gracious?  Did GF make up a cheese tray or offer desserts after his small sampling?  This is one of those incidents that no one will care about in a year or 2.  Sometimes you just have to roll with life. 

[rainbowmama]

In my family this would be a huge host and GF failure. The offenders would be the butt of jokes for years to come. Leftovers are a given. Family members are responsible for seeing to/caring for their invited guests. We buy/have extra plates (to-go containers) so people can take leftovers home. I had seven ppl. avail themselves of this option for Thanksgiving and we still had leftovers for ourselves. There is always plenty of food. If I invited someone to dine with my Mom's family, which is known for lilliputian portions, it'd be my job to warn my guest to eat in advance or save a plate.

 

The first time I hosted a large holiday meal, I did so because I had a newborn (plus a couple very young children) and didn't want to go to multiple holiday gatherings. I thought it'd be just easier to host my own, even though I'd never done it. It was a mess: I stayed up until midnight prepping stuff for Christmas for my kids and the brunch before. My kids then started waking at 4AM asking when they could get up, even though I had been up several times with the baby.. I burned stuff. I forgot stuff, both stuff I needed to make dishes and also to start dishes until it was just too late. I was really exhausted and miserable and with some postpartum weepiness, I begged my mom to bring some extra breakfast stuff from her home. I was pretty much on the verge of tears all day. I'm really grateful that people only said nice things to me anyway rather than making me the butt of jokes for years.

[regentrude]

What's the alternative? Not seeing someone for big holiday meals? Embarrassing them about their poor hosting skills? I think in a family, where people love each other, we forgive these kinds of faults and just make do by bringing a bunch of food.

 

Yes, Alternative #1 would be to bring food or eat before going after this has happened for a second year in a row.  The poster wrote "After a decade of that, we now eat before we go or bring lots of sides ".  I don't understand why one would wait for ten years before doing this.

 

Alternative #2: host. 

Edited November 26, 2017 by regentrude

[JennyD]

I agree that it is odd there wasn't more left over, but maybe it was her first time hosting and she just miscalculated.

 

I think that it would have been nice for her to make sure to save him a plate, and it would have been nice for him to cut her some slack when he arrived and it turned out that everything was gone, and it would have been even nicer for him not to complain to his coworkers about his girlfriend.

 

Are these people planning to get married?  

[JessReplanted]

I'm still trying to process the part where there isn't enough for leftovers for everyone after the meal. I host for 20-30 people and have never not had enough leftovers for all who want to take home the extra. Who's planning that get together? They need to recalibrate their per person serving estimates. We routinely have people who come late or leave early because they have other gatherings to attend locally, (divorced parents, joint custody, in-laws, friends hosting a Friendsgiving meal-that's life in the 21st century, folks) so it's fully expected that some will be late (they always let the host know) and that they'll eat a full meal when they can get there. No one has to grab the food for them to protect it, it's just there as part of the leftovers ready to be eaten or taken home after the main meal.

 

Yes, it is bizarre to invite someone to an event that might run out of food and not keep some food for them, but it's even more bizarre to not plan for enough that if someone came late they'd be SOL.

 

Yes!!

[HS Mom in NC]

What's the alternative? Not seeing someone for big holiday meals? Embarrassing them about their poor hosting skills? I think in a family, where people love each other, we forgive these kinds of faults and just make do by bringing a bunch of food.

 

Is this a trick question?

 

Alternatives:

 

1. Host (as mentioned up thread.) so everyone still gets together.

2. Offer to go over to their house and help with the prep so you can keep things moving along in a timely way and everyone still gets together.

3. Suggest people eat the main meal at their own homes and bring desserts to share at their house so people still get together.

4. Offer to pay for the prepacked, precooked meal from the grocery store and deliver it to the host's house so all they have to do is warm it up and serve it and everyone still gets together.

5. Offer to arrange a restaurant TG dinner so people still get together.

6. Offer to coordinate a complete potluck where everyone else brings everything with them and people still get together.

7. Plan a leftover style traditional meal: sliced turkey, sandwich rolls, sweet potato fries, pie or pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for dessert.  All of that other than the fries can be done days in advance, set out for self serving on TG, and done on pretty TG themed plates for easy clean up and everyone still gets together.

 

I have attended or done a variation of all of those things except for the restaurant (#5) option, but I personally know other people who have done that.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Sneezyone]

Anyway, for me the holiday is more about the getting together than the food. Hence our modified family tradition of [some] people arriving and leaving before or after the meal, having had another meal elsewhere.

 

Anytime someone complains about any aspect of the hosts' work, I suggest they host the dinner at their house next year. Obviously they are more suited to the task. However, the matriarch and patriarch are unlikely to attend, so decide what you really care about.

Your parents wouldn’t attend if one of their children host?!? My older aunts/uncles (now in their 70s) are excited that they’ve passed on enough recipes (and the food is cooked properly!) and my cousins and I are settled such that they can retire from hosting!😂

[KungFuPanda]

 

7. Plan a leftover style traditional meal: sliced turkey, sandwich rolls, sweet potato fries, pie or pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for dessert. All of that other than the fries can be done days in advance, set out for self serving on TG, and done on pretty TG themed plates for easy clean up and everyone still gets together.

 

I never thought of this. This is fun!

[Sneezyone]

The first time I hosted a large holiday meal, I did so because I had a newborn (plus a couple very young children) and didn't want to go to multiple holiday gatherings. I thought it'd be just easier to host my own, even though I'd never done it. It was a mess: I stayed up until midnight prepping stuff for Christmas for my kids and the brunch before. My kids then started waking at 4AM asking when they could get up, even though I had been up several times with the baby.. I burned stuff. I forgot stuff, both stuff I needed to make dishes and also to start dishes until it was just too late. I was really exhausted and miserable and with some postpartum weepiness, I begged my mom to bring some extra breakfast stuff from her home. I was pretty much on the verge of tears all day. I'm really grateful that people only said nice things to me anyway rather than making me the butt of jokes for years.

That whole scenario would NEVER happen in my family because a new mom would not be allowed to do all that work. Period. The aunts and cousins would come in, bring all the supplies and food, and make it happen, cleaning too. Better yet, they would tell you to come when you’re ready and just bring that cute baby, sit a spell, relax and enjoy. Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[marbel]

Your parents wouldn’t attend if one of their children host?!? My older aunts/uncles (now in their 70s) are excited that they’ve passed on enough recipes (and the food is cooked properly!) and my cousins and I are settled such that they can retire from hosting!😂

 

Not the person you're quoting, and this was not the case in my immediate family, but I have one aunt who insists on hosting her family (kids/grandkids/greatgrandkids) and her siblings' families every year. She is 92 and it's been her "job" since her mother died.  She does not plan to stop till she dies.  I don't live nearby to attend but everyone else who lives within a reasonable distance goes to her house.  I imagine people bring stuff and she doesn't do all the work anymore.  But this is what she wants to do and her family is happy to let her. 

[Sneezyone]

Not the person you're quoting, and this was not the case in my immediate family, but I have one aunt who insists on hosting her family (kids/grandkids/greatgrandkids) and her siblings' families every year. She is 92 and it's been her "job" since her mother died. She does not plan to stop till she dies. I don't live nearby to attend but everyone else who lives within a reasonable distance goes to her house. I imagine people bring stuff and she doesn't do all the work anymore. But this is what she wants to do and her family is happy to let her.

We have ppl who offer up their homes still but they definitely don’t do the bulk of the cooking anymore.

[marbel]

That whole scenario would NEVER happen in my family because a new mom would not be allowed to do all that work. Period. The aunts and cousins would come in, bring all the supplies and food, and make it happen, cleaning too. Better yet, they would tell you to come when you’re ready and just bring that cute baby, sit a spell, relax and enjoy.

But it sounds like she wanted to do it.  It obviously didn't work out, but it was her choice, and not up to other relatives to tell an adult she was not allowed to do it.  

[Sneezyone]

But it sounds like she wanted to do it. It obviously didn't work out, but it was her choice, and not up to other relatives to tell an adult she was not allowed to do it.

Different cultures. In mine, it’s a right of passage to move up the ranks from observer, to helper, to cook, and then host. New mom’s aren’t hosts. They are waited on and catered to. Folks would not agree to come under those circumstances having been there and done that with their own kids. They would put their foot down and say, no, baby. We will do x, y, z so you can rest.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[marbel]

Different cultures. In mine, it’s a right of passage to move up the ranks from observer, to helper, to cook, and then host. New mom’s aren’t hosts. They are waited on and catered to. Folks would not agree to come under those circumstances having been there and done that with their own kids. They would put their foot down and say, no, baby. We will do x, y, z so you can rest.

 

Different cultures, true.

 

All my teenage and adult life I have not had a lot of family around.  We (parents, siblings) were on the opposite coast of all the grandparents, aunts, cousins.  And when I got married, my mother moved 400 miles away from me to be near my sister.  When I had my first few Thanksgivings with young kids, there was no one around to cook with me but my husband.  So I am not used to being told what to do and what not to do. :-)  So to me, the bolded is not appealing, but condescending.  I may feel differently if/when my own daughter has children.  :-)

Edited November 26, 2017 by marbel

[Sneezyone]

Different cultures, true.

 

All my teenage and adult life I have not had a lot of family around. We (parents, siblings) were on the opposite coast of all the grandparents, aunts, cousins. And when I got married, my mother moved 400 miles away from me to be near my sister. When I had my first few Thanksgivings with young kids, there was no one around to cook with me but my husband. So I am not used to being told what to do and what not to do. :-) So to me, the bolded is not appealing, but condescending. I may feel differently if/when my own daughter has children. :-)

Yep, totally different. If my elders told us to sit down and zip it, we did, no questions asked. I trust their wisdom and they don’t lord it over us. We are quite close, even though we are usually out of the state (and now out of the country). If I am around them, the pecking order remains in effect. ETA:if they did accede to your wishes, you would wish they weren’t there. While they would certainly jump in to help, there’d be lots of silent I-told-you-so glances exchanged. Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[SKL]

Your parents wouldn’t attend if one of their children host?!? My older aunts/uncles (now in their 70s) are excited that they’ve passed on enough recipes (and the food is cooked properly!) and my cousins and I are settled such that they can retire from hosting!😂

 

No, my mom would not be able to make it.  My dad and some siblings would never leave her and go to a thanksgiving feast without her.

 

Edited November 26, 2017 by SKL

[SparklyUnicorn]

Your parents wouldn’t attend if one of their children host?!? My older aunts/uncles (now in their 70s) are excited that they’ve passed on enough recipes (and the food is cooked properly!) and my cousins and I are settled such that they can retire from hosting!😂

 

My grandparents were odd.  They had a policy of never visiting their children nor attending any party they hosted.  They insisted that everyone must go to them. 

 

I never understood it.  As soon as I moved out I hosted holidays and my parents gladly came.  They also weren't against visiting me.

[scholarly]

Then the host must be the most unlucky person in the world, because the poster said 'after a decade of that' they eat before they go to family meals.  A decade is a lot of family meals that are interrupted by illness or other events.   Perhaps the poster's in laws want the convenience of hosting but not the actual work of hosting. 

 

We can't figure out the motivation! She doesn't want anyone else to host. She hates to cook and does it poorly when she does it, but she doesn't want other people to cook, either. She is also not open to ordering pizza or getting frozen lasagna or something.

[SparklyUnicorn]

We can't figure out the motivation! She doesn't want anyone else to host. She hates to cook and does it poorly when she does it, but she doesn't want other people to cook, either. She is also not open to ordering pizza or getting frozen lasagna or something.

 

Very strange.  Maybe she likes the concept of it, but can't really manage to pull it off.

[hornblower]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting. 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting. 

 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners? 

 

Beats me.  I often wonder the same thing though.

[Sneezyone]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting.

 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners?

DH bakes a couple pies because he likes to and I have one uncle that offers up greens (his son/my cousin is the keeper of that recipe). My dad brings gumbo and chits from time to time (my older brother is the keeper of those recipes). But hosting??? Nope. All of the details, from paper goods to creamer, would fall by the wayside if it were left up to them. We assign them table/chair setup and errand-running jobs and that’s it. IMHO, they like to play dumb and helpless on the holidays, always trying to eat stuff before it’s ready, underfoot and in the way of the cooks. If they’re annoying enough, they will be sent away...which is, I think, the goal. Edited November 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[EmseB]

I like to do the cooking. My husband is good at hosting, though. He's getting everyone drinks, setting the tables, making sure everyone is comfortable, etc. He just doesn't do the food part.

 

ETA: When we have stuff at our house, we are hosting. It isn't just me. I couldn't do it by myself.

Edited November 26, 2017 by EmseB

[scoutingmom]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting. 

 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners? 

 

And that brings us to our family.   My husband enjoys cooking, and when we got married there was the understanding that he would cook at the big events.  So yes, at our house, it is my husband hosting and doing the cooking.  There is plenty of food because we like enough leftovers for our own family to have a turkey dinner the next day, and then likely soup and turkey sandwiches the day after that.  We would put aside a plate of food for someone if they were working and would be late (if the food wasn't going to still be out... wasn't he just an hour after the start time??? - we would still be eating most likely!)

 

My husband has also organized and cooked the Spaghetti dinner for the Scout groups we have been involved with (annual fundraiser for one.... 90th anniversary celebration for the other...) and also did the church Christmas Dinner.....  he knows how to cook for various numbers of people.

[catz]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting.

 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners?

This is something I thought about too. I wonder if he was in charge of bringing something and he would have had that if he was.

[regentrude]

I find it interesting how so far in this thread all I've read about is a female person hosting. 

Why is it that the men in the families aren't hosts for big family dinners? 

 

Isn't some of it simply semantics?

 

In our family, I am the one who cooks. DH does not care enough; when he lived by himself, he never cooked. So I definitely do all the cooking.

In our family, I am the extrovert who initiates social events. So it will be me who suggests that we have guests, invites people, arranges everything.

DH is happy that we have the event, will gladly help with whatever task I delegate his way, will select and decant wine, greet guests, do whatever a good host does during the party.

 

Whether that means *I* am the host or *we* are the hosts is entirely semantics.