Going to a Pediatrician with Concern about Others

[rainbowmama]

If you have concerns about the development of a homeschooled child you know and have already expressed them to their mother without any sort of resolution, would it be improper to talk to the child's pediatrician? We both take our kids to the same pediatrician, so I have a long standing relationship with this doctor, too. 

[Selkie]

What is the concern? I would only do that if it were something life and death that the parents were ignoring.

[MedicMom]

Yes. An ethical pediatrician probably will ask you to not say anything without the child’s parents consent. It’s improper for them to discuss at all another patient with you.

[TechWife]

If you have concerns about the development of a homeschooled child you know and have already expressed them to their mother without any sort of resolution, would it be improper to talk to the child's pediatrician? We both take our kids to the same pediatrician, so I have a long standing relationship with this doctor, too. 

 

If this child's life is in danger, you need to call the police or CPS. Otherwise, this is an amazingly awful violation of boundaries. MYOB. 

[happypamama]

Yes, that’s improper. I’m pretty sure our privacy laws prevent the doctor from discussing another patient with you, and really, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you really want to come in for a well checkup and have the doctor say, “So, Susie, Jane says that Billy here struggles with X?â€

[SparklyUnicorn]

100% improper without a doubt

 

 

 

[rainbowmama]

Okay, sorry I asked! I just worry about the child and don't know how to help. I'l butt out.

[Butter]

You've already done what you can to help.  You talked to the child's mother.  It is up to the child's mother to decide you are right and look into your concerns or decide you are wrong and do nothing.  Talking to the pediatrician would be crossing a huge boundary and put you firmly in busybody, possibly an obnoxious one (since you didn't get the resolution you wanted talking to the mom, you would have gone over her head).

[Alessandra]

OP, lots of people here have expressed concerns about kids they know. Iff you can post some general details, you would probably get some good advice. As others have said, huge difference between not liking a parenting style and seeing a child who seems to be in true physical danger.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Alessandra

[Mergath]

How do you know there hasn't been any sort of resolution? Just because the mother hasn't said, "Johnny has been diagnosed with X and we're doing Y to help with his development," doesn't mean that isn't the case. Some people just don't like to share their kid's medical info with people outside the family. My older dd has had development issues from a genetic disorder over the years, but that doesn't mean I'm going to share her diagnosis and treatment plan with every busybody out there. If someone said to me, "I noticed your daughter has some speech issues," I might tell them about her genetic disorder, or I might just smile and thank them, depending on the person and my mood.

 

Unless this is a life-or-death thing, contacting the child's doctor without the mom's permission would be horrible. And I'm all about the village and people watching out for each other. But that would be way over the line for a developmental issue.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You may have different ideas of what is a concern. I have noticed that you tend to ask about taking your child to the doctor about cuts and bruises that wouldn’t even be on my radar. I’m not knocking you for that- it’s your prerogative as a mother but perhaps the mother might not be seeing the same level of concern. (You have given no details so it could be something that would cause me concern. But just throwing out the possibility that people have different standards on some things and to a certain degree that is ok).

Edited November 25, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle

[maize]

This thread for some reason has reminded me of some of dh's family members who keep dropping hints about putting my kids in school so they can get speech therapy.

 

Happens the kids in question have been receiving speech therapy for years, both through the school district and privately. Don't assume I'm not on top of an issue just because I haven't run the treatment plan past you!

 

(One teacher relative kept going on about kids in her class who just needed a few months of speech and everything resolved. I really did not appreciate the implication that I must be completely neglecting what of course would be an easy issue to address...)

Edited November 25, 2017 by maize

[Word Nerd]

Yes, it would be improper. If it’s a matter of abuse, report it to the appropriate authorities.

[melmichigan]

I agree with all the above.  I would add that if this is a good pediatrician there shouldn't be a concern. They will ask questions and evaluate development at each visit and suggest services as warranted.  You have no way to evaluate if the issue has been addressed.  

 

You haven't mentioned that this is a friend.  If someone I "know" came to me with concerns about my child's development it would honestly be in one ear and out the other.  It's not their concern, and not information that I share IRL.

 

Edited November 25, 2017 by melmichigan

[Seasider]

Yes. An ethical pediatrician probably will ask you to not say anything without the child’s parents consent. It’s improper for them to discuss at all another patient with you.

I believe that includes not even being able to acknowledge that they are his patient, doesn't it?

[Lecka]

I think you underestimate what the pediatrician can do, if the parents aren't interested in hearing it. 

 

If the parents are truly ignoring things, there isn't much anyone can do until the parents are ready. 

 

The parents could be on a slower timetable than what you would prefer, but I have felt like this before, and then 1-2 years later seen that parents are doing the kinds of things I would hope they would do.  It just took them a little longer. 

 

If they seem like pretty reasonable people then I think there is a really good chance of this. 

 

Pediatricians can mention things but can't demand that parents do certain things, they may plant a seed at one visit and then follow up on it the next visit.  I don't know -- I have that impression though.  Certainly a lot of professionals do this with parents, because it takes time for parents to decide they are ready. 

 

I think it's a pretty normal process. 

 

It's too bad when it seems to waste time kids could have in early intervention, but really, I think that is just how it is, I think parents need to be comfortable with things or things won't be as effective anyway.  If parents feel walled in and forced to take some action, they just aren't going to find it as helpful and it won't be as helpful. 

 

Edit:  I think it is a good thing to say something once.  But then -- I think be supportive, just supportive.  Don't put parents in the situation of defending their child from people who see negative.  Let them be accepted and then they can have an easier time noticing things.  I think it can be like that sometimes, at least. 

Edited November 25, 2017 by Lecka

[unsinkable]

This thread for some reason has reminded me of some of dh's family members who keep dropping hints about putting my kids in school so they can get speech therapy.

 

Happens the kids in question have been receiving speech therapy for years, both through the school district and privately. Don't assume I'm not on top of an issue just because I haven't run the treatment plan past you!

 

(One teacher relative kept going on about kids in her class who just needed a few months of speech and everything resolved. I really did not appreciate the implication that I must be completely neglecting what of course would be an easy issue to address...)

This could be addressed differently. On your part and your relative's.

 

She could directly say, "I'm concerned about Andy and Anne's speech. If you need any help, or direction towards resources, please let me know."

 

And you could say, "Thank you for your concern. It is being addressed."

[Alessandra]

I remember when my kids were about three years old, I had a friend who also had three year old twins. Her children were barely talking. I told her how great our special needs preschool was, but she did not really respond. I did not take it further. I already knew that she had a lot on her plate, as one (or both) children had a serious medical issue (not developmentally related). What I did not know is that her husband had been diagnosed with cancer; he died a few years later.

 

I saw her kids a few years ago (teenagers) and both are fine.

 

I am so glad that I did not press my point about therapies.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Alessandra

[waa510]

How do you know there hasn't been any sort of resolution? Just because the mother hasn't said, "Johnny has been diagnosed with X and we're doing Y to help with his development," doesn't mean that isn't the case. Some people just don't like to share their kid's medical info with people outside the family. My older dd has had development issues from a genetic disorder over the years, but that doesn't mean I'm going to share her diagnosis and treatment plan with every busybody out there. If someone said to me, "I noticed your daughter has some speech issues," I might tell them about her genetic disorder, or I might just smile and thank them, depending on the person and my mood.

 

Unless this is a life-or-death thing, contacting the child's doctor without the mom's permission would be horrible. And I'm all about the village and people watching out for each other. But that would be way over the line for a developmental issue.

 

Haven't read all replies but...

 

This. My oldest and I have had a lot of adults all up in our business about her significant growth issues in the past year. She's since been diagnosed and we're working on resolving/treating but seeing a noticeable difference in her physically is going to take a solid 6-9 months at least. I'm sure we have a ton of people in our circle who think we're doing 'nothing' b/c the effects of our intervention aren't immediately apparent yet.

 

The family is probably very stressed and concerned while ironing out this issue with their child. You don't know what you don't know. Please leave it well enough alone. You are way overstepping to even consider such a move, imho. 

[Mom-ninja.]

How many of you reading this thread are wondering how many people have wanted to speak to your pediatrician because they are/were concerned about your child(ren)? I know there are people who have been deeply concerned about my children and wanted to intervene. Makes me smile and think, "Bless her heart."  

 

OP, as others have said, it's absolutely none of your business unless the child's life is in danger. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since development was mentioned, I want to point out that there can be quite a range of normal development in children.  Some children are early bloomers, some late and most somewhere in between.  This is why I'm glad to hear that the child in question is being seen by a pediatrician.  They see a much broader range of children than we do in the normal family and can address that.  Sometimes pediatricians will take a wait and see approach to some developmental things because they know that while it isn't "normal", it might not be in the range of abnormal yet either. 

[Halftime Hope]

OP, on a bit different note, addressing this with the pediatrician is a risk to you as well.  You have a good professional working relationship with the ped. That is a treasure, and it is worth preserving.  I'm concerned that, were you to say something to the ped, you'd be perceived as questioning his/her competence or, at the very least, observational skills.

 

OTOH, the day you see something egregiously dangerous, don't be afraid to put it into words and do as normal people do.  

 

For example, taking an unsupervised 3 year old by the hand and walking them from the street to their front door.  Rings doorbell, "Mama Friend, Toddler was in the street unsupervised.  I was worried something terrible would happen to Toddler, so I've brought him back to you."

 

[plansrme]

I don't have an opinion about whether your actions are right or wrong; I understand your inclinations.  Also, it is a violation of HIPAA for the doctor to discuss the other child with you, but it is NOT a violation for him to listen and then act on your concerns the next time the child is in the office.  However, you can absolutely expect the pediatrician to tell the other parent exactly what you said.  If you raise serious concerns, he may even call the other parent immediately and say, "Your friend said X, Y and Z."  

 

It is recommended, from time to time, that adult children who have concerns about an aging parent call the parent's physician and alert her, and I, with the agreement of my brother, did that.  The dr. immediately called my mom and told her exactly what I'd said.  Although I considered that highly unprofessional (these were serious matters that implicated her physical safety), lesson learned.

 

[Lecka]

Another thing is, maybe the parent is on a waiting list for an eval, but is waiting until after the eval to share more information.  If you see her all the time, maybe you are in the loop.  If not, maybe she didn't think to tell you she got on a waiting list, or even maybe they decided to wait and see what happens at the eval. 

 

It is a long involved process, and there can be a lot of "no new information" even while the gears are turning. 

 

One of my kids is diagnosed with autism now, so it isn't a "bless my heart" situation for me.  Some people at my church did see early signs and one did mention something to me. 

 

I am grateful for the mention even though I didn't agree at first and didn't act on it right away.  I remembered it though and over time I saw things myself. 

 

Edited November 25, 2017 by Lecka

[marbel]

<snip>

 

It is recommended, from time to time, that adult children who have concerns about an aging parent call the parent's physician and alert her, and I, with the agreement of my brother, did that.  The dr. immediately called my mom and told her exactly what I'd said.  Although I considered that highly unprofessional (these were serious matters that implicated her physical safety), lesson learned.

 

 

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with that.  I had a different one with my father when he was being treated for an illness (from which he later died).  I sent a letter to his doc expressing some concerns; he called to tell me he'd gotten it and appreciated the information.  Later I learned through conversation with my dad that the doctor had addressed my concerns through the course of the appointment but apparently had not brought me into it.  I'm pretty sure if the doc had, my father would have let me know it.  

 

This was in 1991, btw, and before HIPAA but even then the doctor didn't tell me anything.  I'm sure doctor/patient communications have changed a lot since then.  Some may depend on the doctor, too.  

[plansrme]

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with that.  I had a different one with my father when he was being treated for an illness (from which he later died).  I sent a letter to his doc expressing some concerns; he called to tell me he'd gotten it and appreciated the information.  Later I learned through conversation with my dad that the doctor had addressed my concerns through the course of the appointment but apparently had not brought me into it.  I'm pretty sure if the doc had, my father would have let me know it.  

 

This was in 1991, btw, and before HIPAA but even then the doctor didn't tell me anything.  I'm sure doctor/patient communications have changed a lot since then.  Some may depend on the doctor, too.  

 

You would think a healthcare provider worth his/her (it was a "her" in my case) salt would want to know this sort of thing about a regular patient and would want to encourage calm, rational, relevant input from a patient's family member.  This was the only time I'd ever made such a call, so it's not like I was pestering her.  But, no; some HCPs are clearly more interested in stirring up drama than in helping their patient.  And that's what she did, so kudos to her, I suppose.  I am glad your outcome was positive.

[Reefgazer]

It's none of your business, unless the child's life is in danger (which warrants a call to CPS). I'm surprised you even had to ask this.

[AimeeM]

So wildly improper that I'm seriously surprised it's even being asked.

Just because you don't know of any "resolution," doesn't mean the parent hasn't taken steps. And "proper steps" is so relative and the idea of what those proper steps are are going to differ from one parent to the next. I've had a million people ask me if I've found an ABA for my boys. We've decided against ABA and in favor of more targeted therapies (OT, ST, etc.) -- but if they believe ABA is the only way to go for autistic children, then in their minds, we haven't taken proper steps. 

And development can vary so much in children. I've known children who didn't talk until well after three -- and are now much, much older and have no problems at all. They just weren't there yet. 

 

FYI -- when our "disaster OT" decided, after we dismissed her (and tore her a new one, so to speak), to speak to our son's pediatrician, our pediatrician told us about it pretty immediately.