What Self Care Really Means

[sassenach]

https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2017/11/this-is-what-self-care-really-means-because-its-not-all-salt-baths-and-chocolate-cake/

 

I’d love to discuss this. I think she makes a great point that self care is basically the opposite of sticking your head in the sand.

[EmilyGF]

Wow, love it.

 

I like the distinction between consumer self care and true self care.

 

Emily

[Liza Q]

I...can't really discuss this coherently. Yet. But thank you so very much for posting it!

 

Really. Thank you.

[Guest]

Yes but also ugh because I just wanna hide right now, lol.

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

Wow. That was great. Thanks for posting.

 

I feel like so often self-care is code for “be selfish, spoil yourself, do what feels good in the moment.†And I don’t just mean that this is what other people do; I find myself slipping into this too. It’s so easy to tell myself, “I’ve had a crazy week. I think I’ll put off doing the laundry and just binge watch some Netflix with a giant bowl of ice cream because...self care.†Maybe that’s ok or even good sometimes but maybe what I really need to do is stop over-committing myself, eat a salad and go for a walk, and then come home and do my laundry. Maybe parenting myself (to use the phrase from the article) and doing things that I don’t particularly care to do, but are better for me, would be a much more authentic form of self-care. I’ll definitely be thinking about this today and mulling over what true self-care would look like in my life.

[Seasider]

I have one huge bone of contention. The way I read it, she assumes that all the pressure that results in the need for self care is internally applied, by our own desire to keep up with false expectations.

 

What about the expectations that are real and somewhat forced upon us?

 

Homeschooling because the public schools in one's district are a dangerous and unacceptable alternative.

Taking on a job in addition to homeschooling because the cost of living and health care has escalated.

Returning to full time work or reeducation because the spouse turned out to be a schmuck.

Dealing with the needs of parents who were irresponsible or simply unable to provide for their own long term needs.

Children or spouses with dire medical situations or special needs that require full time care.

 

 

I have been told by my physician that if I don't get serious about self care now, I am setting myself up for some long term health issues. I do agree with the writer that true self care must be nitty gritty - it's all about discipline. But that's much harder when meeting the real needs of others is the reason behind the need for the self care rather than merely reexamining whether or not you should be trying to keep up with the Joneses.

[Mimm]

 

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to not build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

 

That's a lovely thought. Of course. And an honest evaluation of your problems and what you can realistically do to solve them is good and important.

 

But some of us have problems we CAN'T just "build a life" that doesn't include them. I didn't read this whole thing but the first part that I did read just depressed me. A lot of my self-care needs come from living with a person with a mental illness, or simply the all consuming reality of parenting teens and toddlers. My life is good, I don't WANT to "make changes" to my life that don't include the people in my life that are the most draining, most exhausting. What would those changes even look like? Life can be good and exhausting. Or it can be inescapable, and you are just doing what you can. Some problems aren't solved with better budgeting. For some of us, salt baths and chocolate cake is where it's at. You recharge and then you get back to it.

[MamaBearTeacher]

I liked some of the points made in the article but I generally found the article to be all over the place. I think women tell women too often to engage in self-care. I think forcing someone to self-care is just wrong. I think that if we spend all our time planning our finances and never eating chocolate cake life becomes sad. I think sometimes you just have to eat chocolate cake. I think you can plan your life perfectly, work hard, be responsible and then life can throw you something you never expected.

[Critterfixer]

Well, I like my salt baths and chocolate (not chocolate cake). And I don't think that the need for self-care comes from trying to keep up with the world, or even that the rat race makes it necessary. And I don't think it's parenting yourself either.

I think it's about becoming your own best friend.

 

Best friends know when to give chocolate and suggest a salt bath. They also come with you when you need to take a walk or go for a run, or need a partner to keep you accountable for the exercise you need to stay sane, if that's what helps you. They know how to tell you to go read a book, and they help you get through the bad parts of life by listening, letting you vent, not suggesting ways to "fix you", but simply letting you be when you need to be, and giving good advice when you are ready to accept it.

 

I think self-care is doing that for yourself. Of course, that means you have to spend time with yourself, learn what motivates you, confront the things that make you afraid, and be willing to admit to both. But that's what self-care means to me. It's about being a very little bit selfish in the best of ways--the old dictum, Know Thyself.

 

Just my thoughts, though.

[EmilyGF]

I liked the idea of being your parent - making yourself do the things you know you ought to do and discerning what you ought to do from what you want to do.

 

Having little ones right now, I so often see that what my kids want is so different than what is good for them. But I'm the same way - otherwise I wouldn't still be carrying my baby weight from baby #6. I've lost baby weight five times. I just need to put on my grown up undies and do it again. 

 

There are definitely people whose pressure is outside of them and I don't think this would be a useful article for them - though, when we were mourning our baby dying, I was woken up to reality by an blog that told me I wouldn't solve my grief by buying stuff and that warned of the tendency of people to try to do so. That was so powerful that I made my husband read it and we immediately changed our purchasing habits. I think we overspent by $3K over a two month period after our baby died. It really helped, in the grief, to get our budget in order so that we didn't end up with financial problems as well as grief.

 

Emily

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

When reading blog posts or articles like this I think it’s important to keep in mind who the target audience is. No one piece of advice will apply to everyone. I’m guessing that in this case the author didn’t have in mind people like a friend of mine who has a medically fragile, disabled child. She has, what are too me, unimaginable outside pressures that she can’t possibly avoid even if she wanted to. She can’t just rearrange her life to be something she wouldn’t need or want to escape from. In her case self-care is going to look like a salt bath or piece of chocolate cake most of the time. There may be small, more practical things she could do (or maybe not, I don’t know) but the circumstances of her life don’t allow her the same flexibility I have.

 

I’m assuming the author intended her article towards people like me. Women who have a normal, average life. A few outside pressures here and there but a decent amount of power over their own lives. Women who have choices and options. Women who can all too easily confuse true, effective self care with something that more closely resembles a lack of self-discipline and borders on unnecessary self-indulgence. Those sorts of things that don’t actually meet any true needs. I know I’m guilty of this. — I’m looking at you brownies and ice cream. I was really tired last night after an insanely busy weekend. I decided that I “deserved†to treat myself. Instead of a big bowl of brownies and ice cream at 10pm I should have just gone to bed. I’m pretty sure all the sugar was responsible for my restless, poor sleep. A false attempt at self-care, no actual care achieved.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have chronic illness that I can't get away from, special needs children (which can vary from "normal for them" to acute needs), elderly parent needs.  But I appreciated this article.  I often run into times when I'm stressing because with my chronic illness I'm struggling and people keep telling me to take a salt bath or eat some chocolate or the equivalent.  I take the "advice" more as hugs than necessary advice because I know that those things won't help me.  What does help me when things are really bad are to set a timer for 3 minutes to do 3 minutes of work.  I usually can manage that before collapsing for awhile.  Then I do the next 3 minutes.  (Note:  I'm not usually this bad but I've gone through months or longer of when it was.)  The 3 minute timer is my form of parenting myself.  Of course between the 3 minutes I'm doing what looks like pampering to other people - being huddled under my fleece blanket in my special armchair but honestly that is just my form of being in the fetal position - there is no luxurious comfort involved.  And having said that, I'm getting back to my tackle thread - my form of parenting myself when things are a better than the 3 minute timer days. 

[Murphy101]

Yeahhhh.

 

I guess I *could* say to hell with my dad who literally just moved in last Friday to go in hospice. Many would even think he deserves it. But is that who I want to be? No. Not even if it means I have more money and sleep and less stress.

 

My husband is unemployed. There isn't much I can do about it. He is working his butt off applying for jobs and doing interviews, but many of the interviews are saying up front that even if they hire him, they won't start employeement until after the new year. There's no escape or fix for this. A degree *might*. Eventually. But that's more money, time and stress too. And he doesn't even know what work schedule he might have to deal with. Or even if the job will be in this state.

 

Everyone says I should go to work. Yeah. Sure. I'll get a minimum wage job, deduct the cost of a new wardrobe, childcare, and a expense of a second vehicle, put my dad in a nursing home he can't afford and the kids in schools where less than 23% of students are proficient in reading or math making it extra hard for them to have a decent start in adulthood, so I can bring home what? $50 a month after all that? Maybe?

 

There are some things I just can't do much about.

 

My self care is to not escape, but rather find acceptance to make the best of things I can and with the best attitude I can muster.

 

The closest I go to what's described in that article is my knitting and crochet. Which I do half-joke all the time is cheaper than therapy or prison.

 

Once a week I meet with my friends for coffee without the kids so we can catch up on our lives or vent about the things in our lives. We talk about our kids on the spectrum, the caring for our dying parents, our husband's work situations, our hobbies and general chit chat. Once a week I also meet my knit guild at a coffee shop, we joke it's communal yarn therapy. Oh and I'm active at church, but my kids are super active at church. And I think that's been a vital part of lives I wouldn't change.

 

I am not ashamed to admit, while I know we desperately need Dh to be employed and it seems like all the jobs are out of the state we currently live in, leaving my little circle of supportive friends and groups makes me want to cry. I don't know what we'd do without each other. It's what makes all we are dealing with endurable, but it's taken decades of relationship building and networking to reach this comfort level. I'm not sure how to even begin to rebuild that.

 

Reading that article, I think that's what's missing. Yes, obviously focus on what matters and stop doing all that crap that doesn't even matter to you or your family. But there's so many people alone in a crowd. So busy they seem to have never formed tighter attachments outside their household. And that is not just sad, I think it's a vital element in how well people can cope in a healthy manner.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Murphy101

[Liz CA]

There are some things I just can't do much about.

 

My self care is to not escape, but rather find acceptance to make the best of things I can and with the best attitude I can muster.

 

The closest I go to what's described in that article is my knitting and crochet. Which I do half-joke all the time is cheaper than therapy or prison.

 

Once a week I meet with my friends for coffee without the kids so we can catch up on our lives or vent about the things in our lives. We talk about our kids on the spectrum, the caring for our dying parents, our husband's work situations, our hobbies and general chit chat. Once a week I also meet my knit guild at a coffee shop, we joke it's communal yarn therapy. Oh and I'm active at church, but my kids are super active at church. And I think that's been a vital part of lives I wouldn't change.

 

I am not ashamed to admit, while I know we desperately need Dh to be employed and it seems like all the jobs are out of the state we currently live in, leaving my little circle of supportive friends and groups makes me want to cry. I don't know what we'd do without each other. It's what makes all we are dealing with endurable, but it's taken decades of relationship building and networking to reach this comfort level. I'm not sure how to even begin to rebuild that.

 

Reading that article, I think that's what's missing. Yes, obviously focus on what matters and stop doing all that crap that doesn't even matter to you or your family. But there's so many people alone in a crowd. So busy they seem to have never formed tighter attachments outside their household. And that is not just sad, I think it's a vital element in how well people can cope in a healthy manner.

 

This is very important. We all need community or at least one good friend. Grabbing a cup of coffee or just seeing someone with whom you can be brutally honest is like a cleansing for the soul. And sometimes (more often than not) you need someone outside your family to talk to who can still see the trees for the forest.

I am glad you have this kind of support system in good days and bad days. It is priceless. Will keep praying for your dh to find something that will work well for the family.

 

[Liz CA]

Self-care in a job where I deal with the plight and struggles of others means to me to disconnect. Disconnect from info overload, take the dog out for a walk or just read a book. Have coffee with a friend. I like what Critterfixer said: it's being your own best friend. Listening to your own body and heeding the warning signals when enough is enough. Even in situations, like Sandwalker mentioned when you are being thrown into upheaval and don't really have a choice at the moment, moments of peace, prayer, meditation - whatever people prefer, are valuable. I't not the literal chocolate so much but rather the mental chocolate. ;) And having a friend or two whom you can call and whine or vent to is crucial.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Part of what I was saying up thread is that for me, I have to have a certain amount of health in order to have more indulgent self care.  But for me, survival is a form of self care because it means that I'm conquering my own challenges.  Then in the good times I set up routines and safety nets and all of that to make the survival a bit easier the next time I'm hanging on by my teeth.  I think that the routines and safety nets are part of what she's talking about in the article even if she's talking from the perspective of someone with very different challenges than I have. 

[Critterfixer]

This is very important. We all need community or at least one good friend. Grabbing a cup of coffee or just seeing someone with whom you can be brutally honest is like a cleansing for the soul. And sometimes (more often than not) you need someone outside your family to talk to who can still see the trees for the forest.

I am glad you have this kind of support system in good days and bad days. It is priceless. Will keep praying for your dh to find something that will work well for the family.

 

Often that kind of community or even a single good friend can be hard to come by. That's sad, but something of a reality, I'm afraid. :sad:

[6packofun]

Eh. She had a few good thoughts but it seems like most of it is, "Here is what *I* think you should do, based on my own priorities."  lol  Not surprising by an author who has written a book called The Truth About Everything.   :lol:

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that there are things that don't sound like self-care because they are too much like adulting that can actually BE self-care if one has the right attitude toward them, one of accomplishment rather than deprivation.  I think that that is the point of the article, and it's good one, but like most good points it can be taken too far.  Of course, I also think that 'retail self-care' can be taken too far as well, which was the subpoint of the article, and a good one to get out there.

[KrissiK]

Well, from reading the responses, I think my take-away from this article is pretty much on par with the rest of you. I like what she said about making your life something you don’t want to escape from, and that’s a great idea, but that really only works if you’re single. Well, maybe not even then. There are aspects of life we have control over and certainly we should look at those things and do what we can about them, but the difficulties and stressors in my life, most of them at least, are beyond my control.

[Peaceseeker]

I thought she sounded incredibly young. And then I saw she was born in 1991. How sweet. Talk to me in another 20 years when life has hit you with some major sucker punches you don't get to control while trying to create the perfect life you never need to escape from. Control is just an illusion.

[Ausmumof3]

I think what she had to say was somewhat true.

 

The concept of self care has been commercialised and promoted to younger people in a way that advocates all sorts of financial irresponsibility as being taking care of self. Self indulgence is not self care.

 

On the other hand, she is really young and probably hasn't dealt with the kinds of problems where there isn't a clear cut solution. There's nothing wrong with using some semi escapist techniques to help deal with some unavoidable pain.

 

I like Charlotte masons advice that if mum needs a break she should feel free to take an afternoon off to read a book or go for a walk. Of course we don't always have the possibility or luxury to do that.

[KungFuPanda]

The author is 25 and she doesn’t seem to know the difference between manufactured stress and true obligations. I’m sure she’s lovely, but not someone to get advice from when you’re in the sandwich generation.

[wendy not in HI]

Just had a stressful day due to something at work.  I didn't do anything wrong, but something I did was perceived as wrong and I was called out on it (though I didn't actually do anything wrong....) in front of others.  At the time, I just sort of went with it.  But I've been thinking about it all day.  I wanted to come home and put my head in the sand and watch netflix....  Instead, I sent an email standing up for myself, which is very hard for me to do.  And I'm feeling nervous, but better.  I hope that's taking care of myself.  I think it is.  I think it's what I need to do more of.  I tend to really work to take care of others and make sure that no one feels uncomfortable.  If anyone even seems uncomfortable, I do my best to change and fix things.... so hard to take care of me...

 

I'll let you know if I get fired ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good job, Wendy.

 

 

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[SporkUK]

I think part of the issue is that self-care has become another industry almost, just another way to advertise at us and beat particularly women into a box where if we're struggling, it's either our fault because don't do X self care method or that we're too foolish to realize chocolate cake and bath salts exists as if that's going to solve complicated life problems. Self care as it is mostly portrayed is retail therapy and promotion of an unhelpful kind of total disconnect rather than actually caring for self and an environment with multiple types of connections to help which many people struggle to have.

 

For me as I am actively trying to work on this, self care is asking myself what I need and how can I get it without it becoming another obligation, another plate I need to spin? I haven't gotten all the pieces in place, I'm trying to fight out of another depressive slump, but I'm finding the process (as part of DBT) helping me. 

[wintermom]

nm 

 

Edited November 21, 2017 by wintermom

[Maus]

I agree that she sounds young.  I do like this phrase, though, "making choices for your long-term wellness."  I sometimes forget to do that, or deliberately don't.  I put off going to the doctor for my own health needs for the longest time, because I spent so much of my life taking my kids and husband to doctors that I didn't want to spend more time there, even for myself.

 

Chocolate cake can be self-care, if perhaps when you are out getting a treat for the family, this one time you pick the kind that is your favorite, because you acknowledge that what you want is equally as important as what the rest of the family wants. 

 

It can also be self-sabotage, to use her term, if you then take that cake and hide in the closet and eat the whole thing. 

 

Fine line sometimes, that's more about why you are doing it and what you are getting from it, than it is about what you are doing.  Self-care makes you healthier, rather than just being soothing or distracting.  

[wendy not in HI]

Good job, Wendy.

 

 

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Thanks, Jean!!

 

I got a kind email response, so I think I'm okay.

[lavender's green]

I've never heard of self-care becoming an industry. :huh: But enough of you have said so that maybe it's a regional thing or I just don't get out enough (highly possible).

 

I think the author is both young and unaware of certain situations and personality needs. She still makes some good points. BTDT with the knuckling down to figure out a budget, for example. But some of that is just good old adulting. I know people my age and younger (and occasionally older) who haven't figured out basic responsibility yet, and basic responsibility really does make a difference to one's quality of life.

 

Some people actually require their sensory needs to be met, though. I remember a couple years ago when I had 3 kids under 4, was recovering from major surgery, and had a kid with undiagnosed neurological issues. My husband once got home from work, took one look and me, and said, "you hand me the baby and I'll hand you a glass of champagne and draw you a bubble bath." (baby was not in any danger whatsoever, just to be clear!) This wasn't an industry-driven fad, it wasn't about me placing inappropriate expectations on myself, it was "mama's gonna crack unless her mind, soul, and body experience something pleasant and soothing for once." And once I got to a happier place my husband and I were able to rationally talk about my needs, his needs, the kids' needs, and reasonable, cost-effective ways to get everyone's needs met.

 

Someone who does punishing workouts and goes on harsh diets all the time may benefit from having a piece of chocolate cake once in a while. Someone who rewards herself with chocolate cake every day for getting through basic life may need to take a step back and re-evaluate (or not. If chocolate cake is your thing and you can handle it, I'm not gonna judge!). I personally lose weight more quickly if I have dessert once a week. :)  I also take the author's point that women's advice to one another isn't always appropriate. My mom always told me to "treat myself" and "you deserve a break," during high school and college, trying to get me to take extended vacations and such, but then she didn't understand the enormous course load I was under. In those cases it was definitely appropriate for me to study hard and rise to the occasion rather than lounge in the tropics. She never understood, but oh well. However, the author does the same thing, telling women how to handle their stresses, she just takes a different tack.

 

Edited because I somehow managed to accidentally post before I was done writing.

Edited November 21, 2017 by lavender's green

[IfIOnly]

That's a lovely thought. Of course. And an honest evaluation of your problems and what you can realistically do to solve them is good and important.

 

But some of us have problems we CAN'T just "build a life" that doesn't include them. I didn't read this whole thing but the first part that I did read just depressed me. A lot of my self-care needs come from living with a person with a mental illness, or simply the all consuming reality of parenting teens and toddlers. My life is good, I don't WANT to "make changes" to my life that don't include the people in my life that are the most draining, most exhausting. What would those changes even look like? Life can be good and exhausting. Or it can be inescapable, and you are just doing what you can. Some problems aren't solved with better budgeting. For some of us, salt baths and chocolate cake is where it's at. You recharge and then you get back to it.

Maybe counseling? Indivudual and/or marriage? I just started personal counseling, and DH and I are going to marriage counseling. It's been a huge benefit to our family and me individually.

 

Also, we've done lots of church counseling in the past, but not professional. You couldn't pay me to go to church counseling now. So much time and many years were wasted seeking help from nonprofessionals.

Edited November 21, 2017 by IfIOnly

[bethben]

I really hated that.

 

She sounds like someone who hasn’t actually experienced pain. Emergencies. Financial hardship beyond what is controllable with a paycheck.

 

Yeah, if I was seeking selfcare because of bad personal decision that were structurally avoidable? Fantastic. But I’m not. And most of the women who I advise to care for themselves are just like me - barely able to find the oxygen mask, let alone don it first.

 

So thanks for nothing, author. I can go do some self care if you teach, feed, and therapeutically manage my children. And magically make food and transportation and everything medical cheaper. Otherwise, leave me alone with my damn chocolate and iPod playlist. Sometimes shit goes wrong and it has nothing to do with choices at all. Brat.

I hear you!!! Everyone always tells me to make sure I’m taking care of myself and don’t wear yourself out—oxygen mask description. Yes, that would be great! How about you come over for the weekend and take care of my family including my 18 year old baby so I can self-care. It would do wonders! For now, Hulu is my guilty friend. I feel like I should be beyond Hulu. But, my big man baby doesn’t whine when someone else is talking in the house, so it’s all good.

 

 

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[Seasider]

The concept of self care has been commercialised and promoted to younger people in a way that advocates all sorts of financial irresponsibility as being taking care of self. Self indulgence is not self care.

 

.

I can agree with that part of her message.

[EMS83]

Haven't read replies yet!

 

Just loved this, though:

 

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends.

 

According to this, I'm doing so good, you have no idea.   :lol:

[wendy not in HI]

I’m so glad! That can be really challenging when you like to avoid conflict or it’s an unpopular stance in the office.

 

Thanks, Arctic Mama,

 

Just got off the phone with my boss. Apparently its not the first time that staff member has done that kind of thing. She will talk to her.  She thanked me for letting her know and we will work it all out, etc. I'm not in trouble and didn't do anything wrong...

 

I'm totally conflict avoidant.  When I replay the event, I really can't imagine a different way to have done it.  I do freeze when pounced on.  I probably should have just asked questions - what? what do you mean? Can you tell me more? Can you show me what I did?  I don't understand, can you explain it to me? etc.  I'm not sure if that would have helped, but I hope to do better next time this kind of thing happens...

[EMS83]

Not my nicest and most PC post, but oh well.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   Hugs are all I've got.

 

And hey according to the author, you just did legit self care.   ;)  

[EMS83]

FTR, though...I've only seen the phrase "self care" here, and have never really understood what was meant by that and/or what it entailed.  So what is it?  I'm gathering it isn't reckless abandon or habitual self-indulgence, but that it can legitimately involve cake and may look different for different people...  All my joking aside, the phrase has made me  :confused1: .

 

I mean, if it's all about avoiding fake Instagram lives, I'm golden; I don't even have Instagram.  Or Twitter.  But that's not how y'all seem to use it, so...what is it really?

[Jean in Newcastle]

The author of the blog is a millennial who is trying to be resilient. It’s a good thing. Her tips are what she’s found to be helpful at her stage of life.

 

 

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[lavender's green]

To further my point about this being somewhat personality-based:

 

DH has a relative who has always spent a significant amount of time and money on self-care. We're talking many hours per day on appearance, many more hours on comfort, lots of money on cosmetics, clothing, perfume, special vitamins and supplements for her skin and hair, lots of luxurious days at the spa, aesthetic surgery, tons of exotic vacations, not to mention the rigor of her workout and eating regimens. Then one day there was something she badly wanted but couldn't have. She had secondary infertility. None of the medical procedures worked. Adoption and fostering didn't pan out. She got new pets but they couldn't quite scratch that itch. What's a girl gonna do in such a situation? More self-care on top of all her normal stuff?!  No, she did something really awesome: she used her knowledge of aesthetics to become a professional photographer and start her own business, which is now thriving.

 

I think the author of the article was talking more about this kind of situation. I think it's fair enough to come to the conclusion that you (you! only you can make that call!) have been doing quite enough self-care and need to step up to the plate and start growing, not necessarily in the direction you wanted to grow ('cause maybe there's a brick wall there), but in a direction that's right and healthy for your circumstances. Other situations are more like a plant that used to be doing fine, but has used up all its fertilizer after a major growth spurt and now needs a good, healthy, personalized dose of nitrogen, phosphates, TLC, and whatever else it is that plants need.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I thought she sounded incredibly young. And then I saw she was born in 1991. How sweet. Talk to me in another 20 years when life has hit you with some major sucker punches you don't get to control while trying to create the perfect life you never need to escape from. Control is just an illusion.

 

  

The author is 25 and she doesn’t seem to know the difference between manufactured stress and true obligations. I’m sure she’s lovely, but not someone to get advice from when you’re in the sandwich generation.

This information should have been in the thread title! LOL

[Ausmumof3]

FTR, though...I've only seen the phrase "self care" here, and have never really understood what was meant by that and/or what it entailed. So what is it? I'm gathering it isn't reckless abandon or habitual self-indulgence, but that it can legitimately involve cake and may look different for different people... All my joking aside, the phrase has made me :confused1: .

 

I mean, if it's all about avoiding fake Instagram lives, I'm golden; I don't even have Instagram. Or Twitter. But that's not how y'all seem to use it, so...what is it really?

It's going to look different for different people I think.

 

It might mean turning the screen off when your eyes start hurting. It might look like exercising every day or doing for a run so you don't lose your mind. It might look like going to bed at a decent hour not staying up to perfectly clean the kitchen.

 

In other words balance. If you are the kind of person who works themselves to death then it looks like taking a break now and then. If you are the kind of person who puts things off forever it might look like tackling the stuff you need to get done.

 

Basically doing what you need to stay mentally physically and emotionally as healthy as you reasonably can while still accomplishing the necessary (not self imposed) tasks of life.

[bethben]

:grouphug: I think that sounds marvelous, Beth!

 

I drove down to Cincy for a surgery consult first thing in the morning, did financial crap with the hospital, came back to teach and feed and then turned around and did two therapists, before the pastor and associates pastor came over for a new member interview.

 

I tried to do the dishes after that, with a little chocolate power, but could barely lift my arms. So my husband is feeding everyone crackers and salami while I’m taking a bath. And then I’m watching Good Bones on Hulu when the kids go to bed. That’s the best I can manage and it’s better than collapsing on the floor in a pile and throwing things at people.

 

Solidarity, sister. I’m sure my hard is easy compared to the burdens of others, but it’s still hard for me. About the most multi tasking I’m doing tonight is holding the baby while the feeding pump goes AND watching Hulu all at the same time :lol:

 

This was perhaps not the best day for me to see the smuggy article from that chick.

Just to be adding to smug talk we have going on—have you gotten “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle?†Tell them it’s not in the Bible. It’s the,â€I don’t know what to say about your situation†answer so I’ll try to make you feel better about being overwhelmed. Try to find the verse. It’s close to another verse that doesn’t mean the same thing.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lavender's green]

FTR, though...I've only seen the phrase "self care" here, and have never really understood what was meant by that and/or what it entailed.  So what is it?  I'm gathering it isn't reckless abandon or habitual self-indulgence, but that it can legitimately involve cake and may look different for different people...  All my joking aside, the phrase has made me  :confused1: .

 

I mean, if it's all about avoiding fake Instagram lives, I'm golden; I don't even have Instagram.  Or Twitter.  But that's not how y'all seem to use it, so...what is it really?

 

 

I think it's just meeting your basic needs. An introverted parent may need silence. An extroverted parent may need to make friendly adult connections throughout the day. Plenty of us need a little of both. And/or chocolate while hiding in the bathroom. ;) Some people don't quite understand how to treat themselves to nice and soothing yet simple things, like candles and a bath. I think that's why candles and a bath are common advice given to people struggling with things like depression. I dealt with depression in college and got the "candles and bath" advice, thought it was dumb, tried it, and it actually helped a little. Or maybe boosted me to the point where I felt like I was worth being helped. From the talk on this board and the linked article I get the impression that some people take to another level. I tend to think of people in terms of plants, growing together, growing apart, running into walls, shade, weeds, pests, or other obstacles. So I think of self-care as fertilizer. An awesome and necessary thing, but easily forgettable, and too much will kill or stunt a plant.

I've heard men talk about the concept, but they usually frame it in automobile terms, like "filling up your gas tank. Can't drive anywhere with an empty tank!" Maybe the different metaphor helps?

[Rosie_0801]

FTR, though...I've only seen the phrase "self care" here, and have never really understood what was meant by that and/or what it entailed.  So what is it?  I'm gathering it isn't reckless abandon or habitual self-indulgence, but that it can legitimately involve cake and may look different for different people...  All my joking aside, the phrase has made me  :confused1: .

 

I mean, if it's all about avoiding fake Instagram lives, I'm golden; I don't even have Instagram.  Or Twitter.  But that's not how y'all seem to use it, so...what is it really?

 

Drinking enough water, eating vegetables, remembering you are worthy of underwear without holes in it...

[fraidycat]

Meh, sound like a young person hopping on a soap box and spouting a bunch of “my opinion is the only right one†bs, honestly.

 

The one or two good points she could have made and expanded upon gets lost amongst the know-it-all attitude of one whom life has not yet slapped up the head with actual responsibilities and expectations of caring for others beyond herself.

 

She’ll learn. It’s like one of those “perfect parents before they have kids of their own†diatribes.

 

Edit: I re-read it. I think my problem is with the delivery, not necessarily the message itself. Like I said, there are some good points, but they get lost in the message and mixed up in the “you are doing it wrong†overall tone of the article.

Edited November 22, 2017 by fraidycat

[sassenach]

Coming back to this. I love all of the different perspectives! I find it a little interesting that some of the same posters who were pro-millennial in the snowflake thread are also ones pointing out that the author is a millennial. I can hear her age (snapchat, acai bowls ) but I also related to the thread of truth running through it.

 

I was 19 when I had my son with severe CP. So, yeah, a person in their early 20's can have suffered and worn themselves thin at the same level as a 30-something. Self-care back then would have looked like getting my wisdom teeth pulled instead of ignoring them and paying for it now. 

 

This summer was hugely stressful and I gained 10 pounds by coping with TV and sweets. And drinking too much wine. What I really need to do is stop netflix binging and take a walk. 

 

I love what someone said upthread about it being more about the why than the what. Sometimes all you have the time or energy for is that chocolate bar between crises, but also sometimes that chocolate bar becomes a habit rather than a relief.

 

But yes, I can see how the article fits more for my daughter than for those of us with serious, unending stress. But I still relate! 

[sassenach]

:grouphug: I think that sounds marvelous, Beth!

 

I drove down to Cincy for a surgery consult first thing in the morning, did financial crap with the hospital, came back to teach and feed and then turned around and did two therapists, before the pastor and associates pastor came over for a new member interview.

 

I tried to do the dishes after that, with a little chocolate power, but could barely lift my arms. So my husband is feeding everyone crackers and salami while I’m taking a bath. And then I’m watching Good Bones on Hulu when the kids go to bed. That’s the best I can manage and it’s better than collapsing on the floor in a pile and throwing things at people.

 

Solidarity, sister. I’m sure my hard is easy compared to the burdens of others, but it’s still hard for me. About the most multi tasking I’m doing tonight is holding the baby while the feeding pump goes AND watching Hulu all at the same time :lol:

 

This was perhaps not the best day for me to see the smuggy article from that chick.

 

Girl, you're doing great. (((HUGS))) 

SaveSave

[Liz CA]

I really hated that.

 

She sounds like someone who hasn’t actually experienced pain. Emergencies. Financial hardship beyond what is controllable with a paycheck.

 

Yeah, if I was seeking selfcare because of bad personal decision that were structurally avoidable? Fantastic. But I’m not. And most of the women who I advise to care for themselves are just like me - barely able to find the oxygen mask, let alone don it first.

 

So thanks for nothing, author. I can go do some self care if you teach, feed, and therapeutically manage my children. And magically make food and transportation and everything medical cheaper. Otherwise, leave me alone with my damn chocolate and iPod playlist. Sometimes shit goes wrong and it has nothing to do with choices at all. Brat.

 

I am glad you finally let it all out, Arctic! :) I hope you have or soon find someone in your new hometown who can be a true friend.

Self-care is something different for all of us. Main thing is though we don't forget it all together. Chocolate and ipod sounds good if it works for you!

 

[Liz CA]

Drinking enough water, eating vegetables, remembering you are worthy of underwear without holes in it...

 

Rosie, they have to give you back that "LIKE" button!!!!

[KathyBC]

I liked it.

 

I suspect her target audience was probably more in her age range. When I see young adults start to truly take care of themselves, it signals to me growth and maturity. Good stuff!