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Miss Peregrine

Clothes borrowing between 2 sisters. Help!

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Wow I am surprised by the response. 

 

 

Here is how I handle it now with my kids.  That nothing is really theirs so people can use things of others in our house.  

Since the kids don't buy anything I don't believe any thing is "theirs"

I get them to think that they get to use or have what their sibling has so it is a win win.  

 

I would rather promote a fun sharing home than put locks on doors and dressers.   

 

So suppose DD17 has bought some of the clothes with money she earned or received as a gift. "Borrowing" without permission would still be okay?

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I will answer  a few questions and then go back and quote when I have more time. 

 

They share a room and a closet so no locking anything up. DD15 thinks dd17's clothes are cuter. She has an equal opportunity to buy cute things but in the store she doesn't like any of it.

 

She also has  major problem doing her laundry. I will wash anyone's clothes if they are sorted into the bins in the laundry room. She lets them pile up for a week and then has to dig dirty stuff out. Or take her sister's.

 

I have never required my kids to "share" and agree that dd17 should not have to if she doesn't want to.

 

Given the OP's answer, I will add to my original answer. Since part of the problem stems from DD15 being irresponsible about laundry, she would get the "opportunity" to be much more involved in laundry.

 

To help with the sibling relationship, perhaps DD17 could go along when DD15 shops to suggest those "cuter" clothes.

 

And agreed - "sharing" under coercion is socialism and likely to promote poor relationships.

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I will answer  a few questions and then go back and quote when I have more time. 

 

They share a room and a closet so no locking anything up. DD15 thinks dd17's clothes are cuter. She has an equal opportunity to buy cute things but in the store she doesn't like any of it.

 

She also has  major problem doing her laundry. I will wash anyone's clothes if they are sorted into the bins in the laundry room. She lets them pile up for a week and then has to dig dirty stuff out. Or take her sister's.

 

I have never required my kids to "share" and agree that dd17 should not have to if she doesn't want to.

 

Given the OP's answer, I will add to my original answer. Since part of the problem stems from DD15 being irresponsible about laundry, she would get the "opportunity" to be much more involved in laundry.

 

To help with the sibling relationship, perhaps DD17 could go along when DD15 shops to suggest those "cuter" clothes.

 

And agreed - "sharing" under coercion is socialism and likely to promote poor relationships.

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All of the responsibility and consequences should fall on the 15 yo.  Boundaries have been established -- the 17 yo doesn't want to share clothes -- as long as the OP agrees that this is a reasonable boundary, the consequences for crossing that boundary should be swift and severe enough that it will never happen again.  ($50 fine?  doing all her sister's chores for a month?  whatever works for you and is easy to implement)

 

Do not even consider putting locks on closets!  Your 15 yo has enough self control to stop stealing clothes.  Let her know that real disobedience receives real consequences. 

 

ETA -- and I don't think it's your job to monitor the clothes.  I certainly can't keep track of which of my kids own which clothes.  Give your 17 yo permission to "tattle"  , uh, I mean report.  Let both of them know their responsibility and consequences.  And, I'll repeat.  Make the consequences painful enough the first time so that you don't have to keep dealing with this and can devote this energy to more important things, such as helping your 15 yo pick out clothes that she loves.  :)

Edited by mom@shiloh
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Here’s an idea, take it with a grain of salt.

 

Since you have just sat her down and had a talk with her, I think you need to put a consequence in place should she do this again. Given the fact that this is an ongoing problem and the fact that she is fifteen years old, I wouldn’t pull any punches.

 

Can you go out and get her a uniform of sorts? Something that is clearly hers, not her sisters would be ideal. That way, if she’s wearing her sisters clothing, it is immediately obvious, to her and to everyone else in the house.

 

This is what I am thinking:

2 pairs of leggings, identical to each other

1 pair of jeans

3 tops - maybe the same style nit different colors

1 warm top

One dressy outfit if she needs it - very distinctly hers

Plain panties & bras

Plain hosiery

Keep out one pair of shoes

 

Do not replace these items if she is careless with them or damages them. Oh, you stained your top? I guess you have two tops instead of three. Can’t find your leggings? I guess you need to wear jeans then. No, I’m not going to write an excuse for school because you can’t find your clothes.

 

Put the rest of her clothes away somewhere where she doesn’t know where they are - car trunks and neighbors attics are great for this kind of thing.

 

If she does this again I think some counseling is in order so that she can learn boundaries and that you can get some help with her as well. Stealing things will not go over well with roommates and coworkers.

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A neighbor's attic is great for this type of thing?!?

 

Is this a regular occurrence in your circle?

 

"Hey, Jane! Here's Susie's wardrobe...can you put it in your attic? Yeah, she's in sackcloth and burlap for a while..."

 

 

 

Here’s an idea, take it with a grain of salt.

 

Since you have just sat her down and had a talk with her, I think you need to put a consequence in place should she do this again. Given the fact that this is an ongoing problem and the fact that she is fifteen years old, I wouldn’t pull any punches.

 

Can you go out and get her a uniform of sorts? Something that is clearly hers, not her sisters would be ideal. That way, if she’s wearing her sisters clothing, it is immediately obvious, to her and to everyone else in the house.

 

This is what I am thinking:

2 pairs of leggings, identical to each other

1 pair of jeans

3 tops - maybe the same style nit different colors

1 warm top

One dressy outfit if she needs it - very distinctly hers

Plain panties & bras

Plain hosiery

Keep out one pair of shoes

 

Do not replace these items if she is careless with them or damages them. Oh, you stained your top? I guess you have two tops instead of three. Can’t find your leggings? I guess you need to wear jeans then. No, I’m not going to write an excuse for school because you can’t find your clothes.

 

Put the rest of her clothes away somewhere where she doesn’t know where they are - car trunks and neighbors attics are great for this kind of thing.

 

If she does this again I think some counseling is in order so that she can learn boundaries and that you can get some help with her as well. Stealing things will not go over well with roommates and coworkers.

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OP, it seems clear to me from what you've posted that your younger daughter has some sort of boundary/character issue that needs to be worked on.

 

I don't think younger dd should be allowed to borrow clothes from older dd for now.   You really should figure out exactly WHY she is borrowing clothes.   Is she not able to get hers clean?   Are older dd's really cuter?   Is she just trying to antagonize older dd?  Whatever the issue is, that needs to be worked on.

 

It's a wonderful thing that you are trying to deal with this.   Your older dd will resent you less for trying to be respectful of her boundaries, and your younger dd will learn some valuable life skills.   It's hard but you are doing the right thing by not ignoring it.

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A neighbor's attic is great for this type of thing?!?

 

Is this a regular occurrence in your circle?

 

"Hey, Jane! Here's Susie's wardrobe...can you put it in your attic? Yeah, she's in sackcloth and burlap for a while..."

 

 

Only in that we regularly hide Christmas presents for each other. We have great neighbors. On any given Christmas month we could have gifts for three different families in our attic and mine might be spread somewhere else as well. I had possession of a confiscated nerf arsenal for a few months once. That type of thing isn’t a regular occurrence, but no one blinked an eye when it was needed. Like I said, we have great neighbors. Edited by TechWife
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A neighbor's attic is great for this type of thing?!?

Is this a regular occurrence in your circle?

"Hey, Jane! Here's Susie's wardrobe...can you put it in your attic? Yeah, she's in sackcloth and burlap for a while..."

  

Only in that we regularly hide Christmas presents for each other. We have great neighbors. On any given Christmas month we could have gifts for three different families in our attic and mine might be spread somewhere else as well. I had possession of a confiscated nerf arsenal for a few months once. That type of thing isn’t a regular occurrence, but no one blinked an eye when it was needed. Like I said, we have great neighbors.

:lol:

 

I understand what you mean now, but I have to admit that when I read your first post about the neighbor's attic, I was thinking the same thing unsinkable was! :lol:

 

"Gosh son, I know you'd like to go out with your friends tonight but you have nothing to wear because, as you know, all of your clothes are up in the Schwartz's attic and they're not home."

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Oooh, I am the big sister and we had some doozy fights! She used to steal my brand new clothes, that I bought with my own money, out of the washing machine!

I don't remember what stopped it, I kept a better eye on my stuff and then moved out at 17...

 

I would definitely speak to the 15 year old. I would make her change immediately if found in sister's clothes - even if she'll be late. I would also tell her that she is free to decide to not share her clothes if she feels that it is unfair.

 

I may get them to do their own laundry.

I have not made her change the few times I have noticed in the car. That's my fault. I don't do late. I should have.

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Given the OP's answer, I will add to my original answer. Since part of the problem stems from DD15 being irresponsible about laundry, she would get the "opportunity" to be much more involved in laundry.

 

To help with the sibling relationship, perhaps DD17 could go along when DD15 shops to suggest those "cuter" clothes.

 

And agreed - "sharing" under coercion is socialism and likely to promote poor relationships.

I do like the suggestion that they shop together! This is good.

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Can the kids just come and take anything of yours or Dh's without permission and use it? I think kids deserve the same respect.

 

We actually found that there was MORE sharing when the "owner" of the item had the power to share or not. We actually for many many years (and sometimes still do) open gifts with a black sharpie markers at hand. We just out a tiny initial on the item if several kids get the same or similar things. Then everyone knows whose is whose and I can easily see who left something out.

 

It reduced sibling bickering by 90% in our home. Instead if they wanted to play with something they asked permission and often offered up a trade....may I play with your doll and you may play with my horse...type thing.

 

Nope they can't because our things are payed for by us.  They don't buy their own things we do.  

 

Wow opening gifts with a sharpie?  That is just not how it rolls in our house.   

 

Even on Christmas there are no gifts for a certain kid.  They are all just presents for everyone to share.   For us we have less bickering this way because everyone knows that we share things. 

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So suppose DD17 has bought some of the clothes with money she earned or received as a gift. "Borrowing" without permission would still be okay?

 

In that instance no it wouldn't be up for grabs.  I would plan to say that anything they bought with their own money is theirs. 

 

Whatever works in your home, you are the parent.  

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Nope they can't because our things are payed for by us. They don't buy their own things we do.

 

Wow opening gifts with a sharpie? That is just not how it rolls in our house.

 

Even on Christmas there are no gifts for a certain kid. They are all just presents for everyone to share. For us we have less bickering this way because everyone knows that we share things.

Our Christmas gifts are group gifts as well.

 

Mostly our philosophy is like yours--the stuff in the house is mostly family stuff, not individually owned.

 

There are always a few exceptions though. Each of my kids has a drawer where they can keep stuff that they don't want others to get into. I do think having ownership of some things is good and healthy.

 

Clothes? Well, at this point my kids mostly wear hand me downs, there certainly isn't a lot that they have a personal attachment to. If they care particularly about an item though I think it is reasonable to expect others to not take it and wear it without permission. Especially if it is something someone bought themself or received as a gift (but the gift receiving really doesn't happen much). There is also a big difference between small children all playing with the same Duplos and an older teen on the verge of independent adulthood.

 

 

ETA

I'm guessing you wouldn't expect a grown sibling of your own to come into the house while you are out and put on your clothes and jewelry, then pick up your favorite kitchen appliances, grab your car keys, and drive off in your car with your things. Family communalism has limits and those are going to become more sharply delineated by age 17.

Edited by maize
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Our Christmas gifts are group gifts as well.

 

Mostly our philosophy is like yours--the stuff in the house is mostly family stuff, not individually owned.

 

There are always a few exceptions though. Each of my kids has a drawer where they can keep stuff that they don't want others to get into. I do think having ownership of some things is good and healthy.

 

Clothes? Well, at this point my kids mostly wear hand me downs, there certainly isn't a lot that they have a personal attachment to. If they care particularly about an item though I think it is reasonable to expect others to not take it and wear it without permission. Especially if it is something someone bought themself or received as a gift (but the gift receiving really doesn't happen much). There is also a big difference between small children all playing with the same Duplos and an older teen on the verge of independent adulthood.

 

Glad I am not the only one like that. 

 

Anyway whatever works in your house. 

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Nope they can't because our things are payed for by us.  They don't buy their own things we do.  

 

Wow opening gifts with a sharpie?  That is just not how it rolls in our house.   

 

Even on Christmas there are no gifts for a certain kid.  They are all just presents for everyone to share.   For us we have less bickering this way because everyone knows that we share things. 

 

To be blunt, how do you plan on transitioning your children to adulthood if you keep them children until they move out?

 

By 15, my oldest was making more of his own purchases.  He had an allowance, yes, but he started working side jobs, too.  By 17, he was preparing to be on his own: he could cook, grocery shop, had online banking, bought his clothes/books, did laundry, managed household chores, and did complex projects. 

 

You are insisting that a child be given no money management skills and no personal responsibility in an effort to create harmony.  That's not how preparing our children for adulthood works.  That's not how any of this works.

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To be blunt, how do you plan on transitioning your children to adulthood if you keep them children until they move out?

 

By 15, my oldest was making more of his own purchases.  He had an allowance, yes, but he started working side jobs, too.  By 17, he was preparing to be on his own: he could cook, grocery shop, had online banking, bought his clothes/books, did laundry, managed household chores, and did complex projects. 

 

You are insisting that a child be given no money management skills and no personal responsibility in an effort to create harmony.  That's not how preparing our children for adulthood works.  That's not how any of this works.

 

And future roommates, co-workers, and probably even spouses usually do not appreciate this "yours is mine and mine is yours" philosophy very far.

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To be blunt, how do you plan on transitioning your children to adulthood if you keep them children until they move out?

 

By 15, my oldest was making more of his own purchases.  He had an allowance, yes, but he started working side jobs, too.  By 17, he was preparing to be on his own: he could cook, grocery shop, had online banking, bought his clothes/books, did laundry, managed household chores, and did complex projects. 

 

You are insisting that a child be given no money management skills and no personal responsibility in an effort to create harmony.  That's not how preparing our children for adulthood works.  That's not how any of this works.

 

My kids do lots of chores, a lot more than most kids their ages.  I never said they wouldn't earn money.  In fact they have.  We teach them a lot about money. I never insisted they get no money management skills. 

 

We do not give allowances.   If they bought something with their own money than they can figure out what they want to do with it.  At this point money they have they save not spend.  We cover everything.  They have lots of responsibility.  

 

Teaching kids about money is a huge issue for me.  

 

To each their own.  You are the parents so you get to make the rules.   Every house is different and does things differently, which is a great thing. 

Edited by mommyoffive

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Dd17 gets angry with me when she discovers that dd 15 wore her clothes without asking. Because I drive dd15 to school, Dd17 thinks I should pay better attention and send her back inside to change. I've talked to dd15 about asking first and she says ok. But she doesn't. It can be days before Dd17 discovers something is missing. She wants me to "do something" about it.

 

To further complicate it, dd15 has given dd17 permission to wear whatever she wants when she wants. Dd17 has not given that permission and will, in fact, say no most of the time when dd15 does ask.

 

How much should I be involved in this? Should I be giving consequences?

 

I am going through some real crap right now and can't think clearly about this. Help appreciated.

I'm sorry for whatever else is difficult and complicated in your life. I think I would impose consequences for taking/destroying her sister's things. In our family, while we encourage sharing and helping, we do respect our children's right to have choose not to share some possessions and in some contexts and situations to choose not to help. Generally they do choose to share with and help their siblings.

 

For example, when our current DD17 and our eldest daughter were both living at home they did share clothes some [as possible---our eldest is quite tall so some things were just not shareable] without any issues. Fast forward four years and now they are college freshman/first year medical student attending the same institution and sharing clothes again at least somewhat which is kind of sweet.

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And future roommates, co-workers, and probably even spouses usually do not appreciate this "yours is mine and mine is yours" philosophy very far.

 

Hmmm that is up to each situation to be worked out.   Wow with spouses yours is mine and  mine is yours doesn't work?  That isn't how it works in my relationship. 

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My kids do lots of chores, a lot more than most kids their ages.  I never said they wouldn't earn money.  In fact they have.  We teach them a lot about money. I never insisted they get no money management skills. 

 

We do not give allowances.   If they bought something with their own money than they can figure out what they want to do with it.  At this point money they have they save not spend.  We cover everything.  They have lots of responsibility.  

 

Teaching kids about money is a huge issue for me.  

 

To each their own.  You are the parents so you get to make the rules.   Every house is different and does things differently, which is a great thing. 

 

How old are your children?

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Hmmm that is up to each situation to be worked out.   Wow with spouses yours is mine and  mine is yours doesn't work?  That isn't how it works in my relationship. 

 

No, it doesn't.

 

In our house we have shared things, and we have things that are ours only.  Dh and I have our own vehicles.  I wouldn't ever borrow his without asking and he wouldn't borrow mine without it. 

 

For children, it is an important identity thing, especially around the tween years and beyond.  They're trying to figure out what it means to be Jane, or Harry, or Bob.  Who are they?  What makes them unique?  And part of that is developing their identity through clothes, music, food...

 

If you only have small children, you have not hit this yet, but there will come a time when your kids do not want to share.  I actually find it jarring that you would give gifts with the thought that "I paid for it, I make the rules" instead of guiding your children through healthy conflict resolution.  What works for a 5yo will not work for a 15yo, and I don't think it is wise to try to apply the same to both.

 

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I do like the suggestion that they shop together! This is good.

 

Only you know your dd, but I would consider an incentive like "If you don't borrow your sister's clothes for a month, I'll give you $x for a shopping trip with your sister".

 

To me, it sounds like she really, really thought it was no big deal.  Yes, she should've listened to her sister when she told her not to take her clothes, but her attitude of it being no big deal coupled with it's just her sister telling her, could've made it seem a-ok in her mind.

 

Granted, if she has deceptive or manipulative tendencies, I wouldn't do the incentive.  But if she doesn't, it might be a win-win:  break the habit and know she'll get some cute things and sibling bonding.

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No, it doesn't.

 

In our house we have shared things, and we have things that are ours only.  Dh and I have our own vehicles.  I wouldn't ever borrow his without asking and he wouldn't borrow mine without it. 

 

For children, it is an important identity thing, especially around the tween years and beyond.  They're trying to figure out what it means to be Jane, or Harry, or Bob.  Who are they?  What makes them unique?  And part of that is developing their identity through clothes, music, food...

 

If you only have small children, you have not hit this yet, but there will come a time when your kids do not want to share.  I actually find it jarring that you would give gifts with the thought that "I paid for it, I make the rules" instead of guiding your children through healthy conflict resolution.  What works for a 5yo will not work for a 15yo, and I don't think it is wise to try to apply the same to both.

 

 

Again nuts to me.  Not how it works in my marriage.  I wold never be in a relationship where it did. Both cars our both of ours. 

 

Well I think it is jarring you have to ask to drive your dh's car.  

This approach works for dh and I also and we are adults.  

 

I don't have just small kids. 

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Hmmm that is up to each situation to be worked out.   Wow with spouses yours is mine and  mine is yours doesn't work?  That isn't how it works in my relationship. 

 

I think the way you took that isn't quite what I meant. Yes, my dh and I do have a yours is mine and mine is yours relationship in many ways. However, if I were to always be taking tools and not putting them back where he needed them (and he is not a possessive person), or eating up all the cookies that were meant for everybody, that would be annoying. If he were to be pulling out my socks (I can't imagine this, but whatever) and they weren't there when I needed them, or using my good-quality tweezers that my doctor sister gave me (ok, this has happened) and not putting them back--or taking them on a trip...well, those things would be annoying, and we'd get irritated at each other. It doesn't mean that we don't share in our household, but we also have things that are allowed to be personal possessions. I think it helps kids learn to respect other people's property that way. I've seen it taken to the other extreme, where selfishness was allowed to rule, and that's not good either. But to expect that members of a household have no personal possessions can backfire as well.

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I don't. 

 

They apply to all ages. 

 

I'm truly baffled why you're not disclosing that information, and if your sharing rules are actually the same for an 18 year old as a 5 year old, I'm even more baffled.  When your adult child moves out, they'll have nothing that's theirs to take?

 

ETA:  And this is from a person who, when her boys were in the toy stage of life, gave almost exclusively joint Christmas gifts and almost all toys, even birthday gifts were kept in the playroom for sharing. 

Edited by JudoMom
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I'm truly baffled why you're not disclosing that information, and if your sharing rules are actually the same for an 18 year old as a 5 year old, I'm even more baffled.  When your adult child moves out, they'll have nothing that's theirs to take?

 

ETA:  And this is from a person who, when her boys were in the toy stage of life, gave almost exclusively joint Christmas gifts and almost all toys, even birthday gifts were kept in the playroom for sharing. 

 

When my adult child moves out they can take what they have bought on their own and then whatever dh and I agree on above and beyond that. 

 

Look my kids do have their own things too.   They don't share every last item.  But we also have a family that is just open and we share things.  We do respect each other's things.  Take care of them.  Put them back where they go.    

It just isn't a thing in our house about fighting over anything.   For us sharing works and makes it less stressful instead of keeping track of everything. 

 

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do in their house.  Just how ours works.  Yours works differently cool.  Do whatever is working for you.  Change it if it isn't. 

 

It is a lot like money.  What works for money in one house would not work in another. 

 

This is what works for us. 

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I absolutely would not tolerate your 15 year old's behavior. I find it so disrespectful.

 

If these were my daughters, I'd give one last warning, trying to explain to the younger sister why her behavior is not acceptable.

 

If she took one more item without permission, the consequence would be losing the right to share a room.

 

Older would get a lock on her bedroom door. Younger would be sleeping on the couch and have all of her possessions that do not fit into a foot locker put into storage. And I would have her stay sleeping on the couch until 17 year old moves out or invites her to move back in to the bedroom because she sees a real change in her sister's attitude.

 

I know this is harsh, but I feel very strongly about sending kids into the world who know how to be an asset and not just take from those around them.

 

I'd rather they be mad at me for being so strict than let this self centeredness continue and have her eventually fired or kicked out by roommates for being so insensitive.

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I think the way you took that isn't quite what I meant. Yes, my dh and I do have a yours is mine and mine is yours relationship in many ways. However, if I were to always be taking tools and not putting them back where he needed them (and he is not a possessive person), or eating up all the cookies that were meant for everybody, that would be annoying. If he were to be pulling out my socks (I can't imagine this, but whatever) and they weren't there when I needed them, or using my good-quality tweezers that my doctor sister gave me (ok, this has happened) and not putting them back--or taking them on a trip...well, those things would be annoying, and we'd get irritated at each other. It doesn't mean that we don't share in our household, but we also have things that are allowed to be personal possessions. I think it helps kids learn to respect other people's property that way. I've seen it taken to the other extreme, where selfishness was allowed to rule, and that's not good either. But to expect that members of a household have no personal possessions can backfire as well.

 

I get what you are saying.   

 

To me that is more about respect and being organized.  

 

Dh and I share most everything.  Sure we have somethings that are just for us, or that the other person wouldn't want.   But not much.   We share socks actually. 

 

 

Our system works for us, so it isn't going to change.  

Whatever works in your house. 

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I get what you are saying.

 

To me that is more about respect and being organized.

 

Dh and I share most everything. Sure we have somethings that are just for us, or that the other person wouldn't want. But not much. We share socks actually.

 

 

Our system works for us, so it isn't going to change.

Whatever works in your house.

But this works because you agree to share. You have both given permission for your items to be borrowed.

 

That is completely different from what is happening in the OP.

 

I keep my keys in a specific pocket of my purse. I don't give permission to my husband to just borrow them without asking.

 

He leaves his keys all over the house, or in pants pockets on the floor.

 

That wouldn't work for me.

 

If I tell him not to take my keys without asking, it isn't okay for him to just take them because we are married or because I should learn to share more.

 

There are plenty of items we have agreed to share without ever needing permission.

 

But if one person says, "Please don't take that without asking first."

 

And the other person continues to feel justified in taking whatever they want whenever they want, I see a very big problem.

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When my adult child moves out they can take what they have bought on their own and then whatever dh and I agree on above and beyond that.

 

Look my kids do have their own things too. They don't share every last item. But we also have a family that is just open and we share things. We do respect each other's things. Take care of them. Put them back where they go.

It just isn't a thing in our house about fighting over anything. For us sharing works and makes it less stressful instead of keeping track of everything.

 

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do in their house. Just how ours works. Yours works differently cool. Do whatever is working for you. Change it if it isn't.

 

It is a lot like money. What works for money in one house would not work in another.

 

This is what works for us.

But you are trying to tell someone else what to do by posting in a thread where someone is asking for advice. And Iï¸ might add, where they are asking for advice about a problem that you admit that you don’t have. That isn’t helpful and is more like rubbing salt in someone’s wounds. The OP had a looser policy about belongings. It didn’t work because one person does not take care of her own things and doesn’t care for and respect her sister’s things.

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When my adult child moves out they can take what they have bought on their own and then whatever dh and I agree on above and beyond that. 

 

Look my kids do have their own things too.   They don't share every last item.  But we also have a family that is just open and we share things.  We do respect each other's things.  Take care of them.  Put them back where they go.    

It just isn't a thing in our house about fighting over anything.   For us sharing works and makes it less stressful instead of keeping track of everything. 

 

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do in their house.  Just how ours works.  Yours works differently cool.  Do whatever is working for you.  Change it if it isn't. 

 

It is a lot like money.  What works for money in one house would not work in another. 

 

This is what works for us. 

 

I don't think you know what works for you.  Just upthread you said that the kids have nothing that is theirs.  That they were encouraged to share everything because nothing belongs to them, that they were all bought by someone else.  Even gifts were not personally owned.

 

I remember a thread not too long ago where you were talking about double strollers in Europe, either one or two of them to use.  I'm just going to suggest being flexible when your children do outgrow those strollers and rolling with them creating their own identities apart from you and your dh.

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But this works because you agree to share. You have both given permission for your items to be borrowed.

 

That is completely different from what is happening in the OP.

 

I keep my keys in a specific pocket of my purse. I don't give permission to my husband to just borrow them without asking.

 

He leaves his keys all over the house, or in pants pockets on the floor.

 

That wouldn't work for me.

 

If I tell him not to take my keys without asking, it isn't okay for him to just take them because we are married or because I should learn to share more.

 

There are plenty of items we have agreed to share without ever needing permission.

 

But if one person says, "Please don't take that without asking first."

 

And the other person continues to feel justified in taking whatever they want whenever they want, I see a very big problem.

 

I agree with you on that.   

 

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I don't think you know what works for you.  Just upthread you said that the kids have nothing that is theirs.  That they were encouraged to share everything because nothing belongs to them, that they were all bought by someone else.  Even gifts were not personally owned.

 

I remember a thread not too long ago where you were talking about double strollers in Europe, either one or two of them to use.  I'm just going to suggest being flexible when your children do outgrow those strollers and rolling with them creating their own identities apart from you and your dh.

 

I have more than 2 kids, thanks.

 

I do know exactly what works for us.  The kids don't have anything that I consider theirs because they didn't work for it and buy it.  But they don't share things that personally for them or their size.  Shoes, tooth brushes, violins.  

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WRT: "It's just clothes..."

 

Okay. "It's just your IPad." "It's just your pillow." "It's just your toothbrush." Just because one sister sees it as no big deal doesn't mean it's not a big deal.

 

So I think I'd reframe it to younger sis. "Perhaps to you it's just clothing. And I appreciate that you don't mind sharing your own things. But, this is a big deal to your older sister. In families, people care about different things. And because this is important to your sister, and we are family and family cares about one another this means that it needs to be important to you. Your behavior shows contempt for your sister. It's not just clothing. It's showing an attitude of "I don't care about your feelings and your needs, because I am selfish and I want to do what I want to do regardless of how you feel about it."

 

I'd follow up with various stories about people caring about different things that on the surface seem like no big deal/. For instance, it's super important to my dh that the checkbook balance to the penny. I can make cracks about him being anal and persnickety and continue on estimating my entries in the check book, or I can acknowledge that this is important to him, I care about him, and therefore, I need to make this important to me. So I save reciepts or if I forget, take the time to look up the check in the computer bank account so he doesn't have to be inconvenienced.

 

The underlying issue is that she's showing contempt for her sister with her selfish behavior.

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Our system works for us, so it isn't going to change.

 

Having a system that works for your family is great.

 

Hopefully you are also willing to re-evaluate and make changes as necessary should this system stop working for everyone. I know you have mostly young children at this point, I'm pretty sure your oldest is younger than mine. You really can't predict how things will be in your household when you have only teens at home.

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But you are trying to tell someone else what to do by posting in a thread where someone is asking for advice. And Iï¸ might add, where they are asking for advice about a problem that you admit that you don’t have. That isn’t helpful and is more like rubbing salt in someone’s wounds. The OP had a looser policy about belongings. It didn’t work because one person does not take care of her own things and doesn’t care for and respect her sister’s things.

 

I am not trying to tell someone else what to do.  Only saying this is what we do, maybe it would work. 

 

I am not rubbing salt only trying to give a different thought process that maybe could fix the problem.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  

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I have more than 2 kids, thanks.

 

I do know exactly what works for us.  The kids don't have anything that I consider theirs because they didn't work for it and buy it.  But they don't share things that personally for them or their size.  Shoes, tooth brushes, violins.  

 

Right. Your oldest is 11.

 

 

 

Edited by HomeAgain
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I have more than 2 kids, thanks.

 

I do know exactly what works for us.  The kids don't have anything that I consider theirs because they didn't work for it and buy it.  But they don't share things that personally for them or their size.  Shoes, tooth brushes, violins.  

 

So let's take this into the workplace. The employer owns every computer, office supply, etc. in the office. Is it okay if your kid goes into the office and takes other people's computers and office supplies because "They don't belong to anyone except the company..."

 

I understand what you're saying but it's super duper important for older teens to be able to work through these things. Most kids, and perhaps yours are super special with great attitudes about things and sharing, need practice on sharing, being considerate of other's possessions, and working out conflict about stuff.

 

OP, these conflicts are SO normal.

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Having a system that works for your family is great.

 

Hopefully you are also willing to re-evaluate and make changes as necessary should this system stop working for everyone. I know you have mostly young children at this point, I'm pretty sure your oldest is younger than mine. You really can't predict how things will be in your household when you have only teens at home.

 

Sort of true I guess, but it is still my house to make the rules that they have to follow. 

 

But yeah things do change

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Also, I really don't understand this idea that children don't own anything because they don't work to earn the money to buy things.

 

It has been over 20 years since I have worked a real job for more than my own fun money.

 

Does this mean I own nothing?

 

Can Dh do anything he wants with the things I've been given or have bought with money he earned.

 

Can he give my things away?

 

Can he refuse to let me take them if I want to leave him and move out?

 

I don't understand how people treat children sometimes.

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Also, I really don't understand this idea that children don't own anything because they don't work to earn the money to buy things.

 

It has been over 20 years since I have worked a real job for more than my own fun money.

 

Does this mean I own nothing?

 

Can Dh do anything he wants with the things I've been given or have bought with money he earned.

 

Can he give my things away?

 

Can he refuse to let me take them if I want to leave him and move out?

 

I don't understand how people treat children sometimes.

 

I sort of slightly get this mindset.

 

For instance, even though my kids may work for some things, I have no hesitation about taking stuff that they might have earned themselves. Like if a bike is used to go up the street to a dangerous intersection despite moms instructions to not do that, I'd have no hesitation about taking the bike away for awhile even though the kid may have paid for it himself. I would also take a phone or internet device that's used to bully others, deceive mom and dad (saying your doing school but playing games instead) or view porn.

 

But no, I don't really udnerstand the concept of my kid can earn stuff, so everyone can benefit from their hard work. My kids wouldn't have an incentive to work hard if they knew that they would have to let their younger irresponsible sibling mess with something special, delicate, or expensive taking the chance that it would be broken.

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Sort of true I guess, but it is still my house to make the rules that they have to follow.

 

But yeah things do change

Glad you can see this!

 

I checked your past posts, your oldest was 10 in January of this year, they couldn't be older than 11 now.

 

I can guarantee that a lot is going to change by the time you have older teens.

 

That's not bad, but it is different.

 

My oldest is 14, and while I find this stage fun and exciting in many ways I kind of miss the simpler days not so many years ago when I just had a bunch of littles.

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So let's take this into the workplace. The employer owns every computer, office supply, etc. in the office. Is it okay if your kid goes into the office and takes other people's computers and office supplies because "They don't belong to anyone except the company..."

 

I understand what you're saying but it's super duper important for older teens to be able to work through these things. Most kids, and perhaps yours are super special with great attitudes about things and sharing, need practice on sharing, being considerate of other's possessions, and working out conflict about stuff.

 

OP, these conflicts are SO normal.

 

nope my kids are not super special. 

 

Yep this is normal for sure.  For anyone living together 

 

I

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Iï¸ would have a big problem if Dh borrowed my bra or even my t-shirts. Even if they fit. They are in my dresser for a reason. They fit my body and were chosen because the colors and styles suit me.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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