IsabelC Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 You have certain relations or friends who would normally interact with your children regularly, but you have discovered that these people have a whole range of beliefs or attitudes that you personally consider wrong, offensive and/or potentially harmful to your children. Would you try to reduce or avoid contact? Continue contact but always stay with your children so you can be aware of what's happening and possibly intervene? Not worry because you trust your kids not to succumb to any bad influences? And is there a particular age or stage at which you would stop trying to protect them from such influences? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 This depends on the degree of moral issue. If we're talking about different dietary choices, religions, political, or scientific/environmentalist beliefs, I wouldn't restrict. I would discuss later. If we're talking about crimes or other choices that directly harm other people I would definitely restrict. If we're talking about cultural things I consider inappropriate (smoking, light drug use, expressing offensive beliefs such as sexism or racism, even irresponsible financial behavior), I would probably limit with discussion about why to the kids, age appropriate and focused on compassion and logic of course. The age I would stop that would change depending on the child - some people aren't good at applying critical thinking and logic to their lives even in adulthood, others seem to pop out of the womb with an unshakable sense of who they are and what their moral compass is. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Yeah, it would really depend. I guess I would say - kids will meet and interact with people with different moral beliefs, it's just a fact. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twolittleboys Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 It really depends on the situation. How close are these people? Are they close relatives or just acquaintances? Also, how horrible do I find these beliefs/opinions? A drug dealing former co-worker is quite a different matter from a grandmother that votes differently from myself. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 (edited) Depends on what kind of issues we're talking about, but yes, I'd restrict (or flat-out ban) and/or supervise if I thought something was a serious concern. Until what age would depend on the kid. But if someone was trying to put bad ideas into my kids' heads and my kids seemed susceptible... well, I'm their parent - it's my job to protect them. I haven't really had to do this though thus far (the kids aren't allowed to stay with my in-laws anymore, but that's more over their lack of respect for us and their irresponsibility than about them putting bad ideas into their heads). Edited November 7, 2017 by luuknam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If I thought that being around these people was *harmful* to my kids? Sure! However, they'd have to go past simply having these harmful beliefs to trying to get my kids to agree with them or acting on them or both. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If I thought that being around these people was *harmful* to my kids? Sure! However, they'd have to go past simply having these harmful beliefs to trying to get my kids to agree with them or acting on them or both. If some close family members were, say, nazis, and they were just regularly bringing up things related to that in discussions with other adults, and the kids' presence was completely incidental and they're not intending to get the kids to agree or act on those beliefs, but I got the impression that the impressionable kids were being impressed... yes, I'd still restrict (or w/e) access. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 (edited) My response is a depends.... How old are DC? What is the topic and how is it going to come up? Depending on the age the topic may not be obvious. Or if it is that would suggest other problems. For instance some people think all drug use is ok. There's no reason for this to be talked about with an 8 year old. If the reason an 8 year old hearing about is because the person is high that's another bigger problem. With a 16 year old who has been learning and debating laws in high school government the topic might come up. If I hear about it and can divert the conversation I will. If I have a chance ahead of time I may tell the adult how I feel and ask him to stick with my opinion and avoid such discussion ahead of time. Edited November 7, 2017 by Diana P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If some close family members were, say, nazis, and they were just regularly bringing up things related to that in discussions with other adults, and the kids' presence was completely incidental and they're not intending to get the kids to agree or act on those beliefs, but I got the impression that the impressionable kids were being impressed... yes, I'd still restrict (or w/e) access. I agree. Some topics, beliefs are so offensive that I'd be restricting myself as well as DC. It would not matter how close the relationship was to begin with, the relationship between would become distant with new boundaries for my family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 This depends on the degree of moral issue. If we're talking about different dietary choices, religions, political, or scientific/environmentalist beliefs, I wouldn't restrict. I would discuss later. If we're talking about crimes or other choices that directly harm other people I would definitely restrict. If we're talking about cultural things I consider inappropriate (smoking, light drug use, expressing offensive beliefs such as sexism or racism, even irresponsible financial behavior), I would probably limit with discussion about why to the kids, age appropriate and focused on compassion and logic of course. The age I would stop that would change depending on the child - some people aren't good at applying critical thinking and logic to their lives even in adulthood, others seem to pop out of the womb with an unshakable sense of who they are and what their moral compass is. :iagree: You said this so well I don't have much to add! I can say we didn't restrict access to my in-laws even though they are incredibly racist causing me many :cursing: moments. We discussed later and modeled a different life. My boys copied us, not them, but seeing them gave them a very good idea about what some folks IRL are like rather than just in theory. I suppose this one can fit into different views on some politics too. From a Christian POV, the two of mine who went to secular colleges seem to have a much stronger faith now than the one who went to a Christian college. They are also super good at being tolerant of all and don't have misconceptions of "the other side" either. Again, they've seen real life instead of just sound bites. But if it were someone into drugs or overuse of alcohol I'd hesitate, esp if my kids were young, and no hesitation would happen at all if I thought there were an ounce of danger from aggressiveness or accidents. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Depends on the details but, yes, I have in certain cases. One example would be our attempt to limit visits that had our kids meeting at least 5 new boyfriends/babydaddies across 4 years and 3 babies. At the time, my kids weren't of an age where I felt they could understand (or should need!) conversations about the right to randomly procreate, and I was completely floundering on how to discuss the negative aspects of doing so without vilifying a beloved relative. I've since been able to have conversations with my now-teenagers. We no longer spend as much time with extended family that falls just short of overt racism AND bashes the public school system. We don't avoid them all together, and I guess it'd be fair to say that it's more because I don't want to be around that than it is about my kids picking up their ideas. Most of my kids are more likely to tell them they're stupid. :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Yes, I have restricted access to my children with certain family members. I know they love my children but that branch has made lifestyle choices that I don't agree with. My teens have made, and continue to make, their fair share of bad choices. I think they have avoided some others because we didn't spend unfettered amounts of time with that branch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof1 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Well sometimes relatives have no boundaries and feel that you should let your 15 MONTH OLD do whatever they want and play in the yard unsupervised even though they leave their paint and insecticides laying around the yard. They don't feel they need to remove it because if the kid gets into it, well, they won't do that again. WT... Also would tell my daughter that she didn't have to listen to her parents. They told me they can do whatever they want with my kid. That I can't tell them what to do. They were 100% serious. I said that means I can do whatever I want and I want to limit father in laws access to his granddaughter. I did just that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Yes (but it depends on what it is). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Toxic, criminal, or harmful . . . Yes. Different political, religious,or social beliefs . . . No. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If some close family members were, say, nazis, and they were just regularly bringing up things related to that in discussions with other adults, and the kids' presence was completely incidental and they're not intending to get the kids to agree or act on those beliefs, but I got the impression that the impressionable kids were being impressed... yes, I'd still restrict (or w/e) access. If my Nazi relatives were constantly talking about race and being Nazis, it wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be restricting my kid's time with them because I don't spend time with unpleasant people. Nazis are not people who would normally spend a lot of time with my kids, so the question doesn't apply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If my Nazi relatives were constantly talking about race and being Nazis, it wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be restricting my kid's time with them because I don't spend time with unpleasant people. Nazis are not people who would normally spend a lot of time with my kids, so the question doesn't apply. True. I just meant that I don't think intent is the main factor; that effect matters too (even though in my first post I also said something about intent). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I would decide on a case by case basis. With most things, I teach my kids what I believe and don't prevent them from being exposed to other beliefs. I can't think of too many people whose beliefs or behaviors are so different from mine that I'd restrict access. That said, I wouldn't send my kids for an overnight in a home where I know illegal drugs are used or there's a sexual or other relationship I don't want to normalize. Domestic abuse, showing porn to kids, giving kids booze when their parents aren't there, using racist language ... nope. But I can't think of anyone in my life who would do such things around kids anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 OP, if you are very concerned and your dc are early elementary age or younger, yes, reduce contact and always stay with the dc during any exposure to people you think have harmful behaviors, attitudes, etc. By late elementary or middle school, you could probably start to explain to them at least some of the issues and still keep a very watchful eye during any necessary contact. By high school, your dc are likely to see the concerns fairly well themselves, but depending on what those concerns are and your dc's ability to make good decisions, you might still want to limit unnecessary exposure. Some things you can't completely avoid, though. For example, even if your dc never see someone they love smoking or drinking alcohol, they may still develop positive associations for the smell (on the person or in their home) and become less averse to smoking or drinking themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.