Where do the 40 something's go to church?

[KeriJ]

Or do they even go? We have ministered in numerous churches as a couple, the senior citizen department is full, the youth group is full, the children's department is full, but my generation is completely missing. Parents typically drop their kids off during the week, and come to less than half of Sundays.

 

I grew up in churches where my parents' peers were there and had a community, but I don't see that in my experience with church as an adult.

 

I've read all the articles, but I would love to hear personal experiences or theories.

Edited November 6, 2017 by KeriJ

[AK_Mom4]

That would be couples who are about 10 years younger than DH and I. There are plenty of this in our Episcopal church. Most of them have kids in the early teens.

[Guest]

Our parish and most around us have all ages, in pretty much equal proportion. More men than women in the choir. Out of 120 parishioners, 4 pregger ladies. Church School (k-12 has about 40 -45 kids.)

 

Eastern Orthodox, Orthodox Church of America jurisdiction.

[teachermom2834]

I'm Catholic and that age group is church but at my parish that age group primarily attends mass and gets the kids to their classes and functions. That age group is not volunteering and doing the extra things. The older folks populate the Knights of Columbus and Women of Faith which both serve the church and function as social groups. The youth is strong. The parents in their forties are just tired and busy. I attend some of the Women of Faith functions and at 43 am always the youngest one there by a couple decades at least.

 

It is hard to attend things and help out a little without getting pegged to do bigger jobs. It makes it difficult to help out or jump in when the next step is being asked to coordinate a huge effort. Parents in their forties are stretched with work, school, sports, parenting, and a hundred other things. I would attend more things at church if I didn't think I was going to get cornered and recruited for a job. I tend to think that is not just a Catholic Church issue.

[bethben]

Yes!!! We have a small church but the majority are at least 10 or more years younger or 10 or more years older. I’m assuming that teens brim sports and sports have games in Sundays? Most people my age are choosing not to go to church because they’re tired of same old same old.

 

 

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[catz]

We attend a UU church and I have to admit at this moment our participation is minimal and based on youth stuff.  I hope when this season passes we can be more involved again.  Life with teenagers at our house is just busy and full.  And I don't want to minimize it.  But I also want to respect my kid's preferences and choices as well.

[Garga]

I don't trust myself that I know the age groups at my church.  There are a few hundred people there and I sort of slip in at the last minute and then leave right away.  I'll give it a shot as to what I think the makeup of the age groups are:

 

There are a lot of small kids and teens.  There are precious few 20-somethings, a few more 30-somethings, a nice size of 40-somethings, and there seem to be a lot of 50+.

 

Many of the 40-somethings are heavily active in the church, but I only know that because a sizeable group of them are my friends and I'm the only one who doesn't do some sort of heavy volunteer work.  (I don't do any volunteer work.)  I think the 50+ group are active doing different things than the under 50 groups.  The 40s and younger seem to help with kids' thing primarily, probably because they have kids in activities.  The 50+ seem to be more active in non-kid related activities--like working in our food pantry and things like that.

 

But I could be wrong...that's just a quick impression if I force myself to think about it.  Perhaps the church administrative staff would tell me that I've got it all wrong.  I used to be quite active in church things from about the age of 8 until about the age of 38.  And then I just stopped.  I was so worn out.  The idea of helping out anyone else right now makes me feel like weeping.  Perhaps many 30- and 40-somethings are like me:  have been to church and volunteered for so long and now they're worn out from caring for children and need a couple of decades-long break.  I quit volunteering and dropped from attending church 3 times a week to attending only once a week.  Perhaps others like me go even less.

 

Maybe after the kids have been gone for a few years I will help out again.  By then I'll be well into my 50s.  I think the food pantry would be a nice place to volunteer...

 

 

Edited November 6, 2017 by Garga

[Seasider]

I believe many of them are at sports venues on Sunday mornings with their kids who play on club teams. Those tournaments take up much of the weekend and often involve traveling.

 

Others are just plain exhausted. It's challenging to live on a single income these days so folks are working extra hours or two jobs and may have only one day a week to accomplish tasks at home.

 

Some have just decided that regular church attendance isn't a priority for this season of life.

 

FWIW, the church I attend has lots of families with parents that age. I honestly think it takes a higher level of commitment when you have adolescent age kids, there's so much else going on. Also, some in this age group may have been raised to think of church as a social venue, and they don't need a social venue with everything else they've got going on.

 

And those that are committed believers/attendees may be finding themselves constantly tapped out with requests to volunteer for this or that at church. The place we go makes an intentional effort to recruit those in their 50s and teens to serve in the children's ministry. This spreads the work out, gives the younger parents a break and helps forge intergenerational relationships.

[Calm37]

I wondered this for a long time about my own generation, the late baby boomers. I have attended church with people mostly 8-20 years younger since having kids.

 

I did finally find them.. I became interested in a study written by a charismatic author and attended his annual conference. Wow, everyone was my age! We visit a charismatic church in Kansas City several times a year when we're driving through. Yep, they've got lots of 50-60 somethings, too. 

 

Perhaps it's your denomination? :)

[Guest]

By and large, research shows that 40 somethings are either Nones or Dones. So to a large degree, they aren’t going to church anywhere.

[Crimson Wife]

 There are a lot of small kids and teens.  There are precious few 20-somethings, a few more 30-somethings, a nice size of 40-somethings, and there seem to be a lot of 50+.

 

This is what I see as well. People seem to reconnect with the church after starting a family, which in my area tends to be 35+.

 

[kbutton]

They are well-represented in our large SBC church. Many are heavily involved, but the church has a lot of things for kids, and they have a big variety of ministries in general without a lot of guilt when life gets nuts. I am in this age range as well.

[ktgrok]

I was thinking this just today! I mean, yes, my church does have people in their 30's and 40's, partly because there is a private school at our parish. But I was glancing around checking out outfits (not to judge, but to get ideas of what is popular these days in my age bracket) and couldn't see anyone around me IN my age bracket! Lots of people at least a decade older, and quite a few teens and young adults, but not a lot of parents. 

[ktgrok]

Yes!!! We have a small church but the majority are at least 10 or more years younger or 10 or more years older. I’m assuming that teens brim sports and sports have games in Sundays? Most people my age are choosing not to go to church because they’re tired of same old same old.

 

 

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You know, that's true! Sports often interferes. In fact, thinking about it, the times I've gone to the 5:30 pm evening mass there were tons of people my age, with their teens. I totally forgot about that. 

[Zinnia]

Around here, they are very underrepresented.

 

We go to an evangelical megachurch, but not a huge one. A couple of thousand on Sunday in 3 services. Very few 40 somethings though tons of early to mid 30s. Tons.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Zinnia

[StephanieZ]

Well, we went to church in our late 20s and throughout our 30s, when we were first married and also with our young kids . . .

 

Around the time I turned 40, we (all) decided that church wasn't for us (nice way of saying it), so we stopped going. At first it was funky church politics mixed with being *very very busy* which nudged us away. 

 

We went to church sporadically while my dying mother lived with us, for her pleasure. Mostly, we hired my teenager to take her, but our whole family went on major holidays, etc. Just for her, though, not for us. All of us, kids included, have evolved from liberal protestants to firm atheists during my 40s. 

 

I would only attend a church again if it was accompanying adult children who decided that they wanted to do that or something other similar strong family pressure/need like that. I'd be shocked if that happened, but I wouldn't rule it out, but I definitely wouldn't chose church for my own benefit (and neither would my husband, he always only attended because I wanted to). 

 

For me, I think leaving church in our 40s boiled down to:

 

1) Stupid church politics that I got too old and too tired to have patience for.

2) WAY, WAY busy life care taking more active/busy older kids + aging parents + financial pressures of looking towards college, etc. that made giving up much of at least one day per week a HUGE sacrifice of family time that just wasn't worth it. 

3) Kids growing towards teens who no longer easily accepted giving up their time to church. 

4) Personal religious evolution away from organized religion.

5) Personal confidence in myself/my values/my family that make me immune to societal pressure to adhere to religious traditions. 

 

 

 

 

[G5052]

Ours is pretty evenly spread out. We range from 97 to 8 months.

 

Frankly that's rare for our denomination.

[mom2scouts]

I attend a non-denominational Christian church. We have lots of adults in the 40 something age range.

[fairfarmhand]

Lots of them here in my Freewill Baptist church

 

But then we're in the South so church is a "thing" here.

[Wheres Toto]

I am 48.  The majority of the moms of kids around the ages of my kids, are my age.  We go to a UMC church.   I think our church is weighted slightly older, but there are a quite a few kids as well.  But those of us that are parents to the tweens are all the same age.   

[Bluegoat]

I think our church has a fair number of people in their 40s.  No one really drops kids off regularly without coming themselves, so that might be part of it.  I do know of some regular parishioners who don't get there as much because of kid related stuff, typically with teens/tweens - so much seems to be scheduled on Sunday.

[milovany]

Our parish is pretty much made up of the age group you inquire about.  We have a few seniors (60+), mostly 30-50's, some young adults, and a lot of kids of all ages.  Everyone who comes seems pretty active in / committed to their faith.  

 

Eastern Orthodox, Antiochian jurisdiction.  

[J-rap]

I'd be interested in knowing what denomination that is, OP.

 

I attended a Lutheran church all my life until about 15 years ago.  Within the Lutheran church, the missing ages were post-confirmation age (15/16?) until they had children of their own and decided they wanted to get involved again.

 

I'm at a non-denominational church now, and I guess I don't notice any big absence of a particular age-group.

 

 

[DawnM]

I believe many of them are at sports venues on Sunday mornings with their kids who play on club teams. Those tournaments take up much of the weekend and often involve traveling.

 

Others are just plain exhausted. It's challenging to live on a single income these days so folks are working extra hours or two jobs and may have only one day a week to accomplish tasks at home.

 

Some have just decided that regular church attendance isn't a priority for this season of life.

 

FWIW, the church I attend has lots of families with parents that age. I honestly think it takes a higher level of commitment when you have adolescent age kids, there's so much else going on. Also, some in this age group may have been raised to think of church as a social venue, and they don't need a social venue with everything else they've got going on.

 

And those that are committed believers/attendees may be finding themselves constantly tapped out with requests to volunteer for this or that at church. The place we go makes an intentional effort to recruit those in their 50s and teens to serve in the children's ministry. This spreads the work out, gives the younger parents a break and helps forge intergenerational relationships.

 

I think you hit something there.  My boys were not in sports, but many other families are.  It is hard to find a league that doesn't ever play on Sundays.  I hear our church parents talking about it a lot.

 

And my boys are scout boys.  pick up from scout camp-outs is always in the middle of church.  Camp outs are once per month.  

 

Right now I fall into the exhausted category.  This job is kicking my butt and I am just so tired.  

 

I have been a regular church attender for 50 years.  I have not attended since July.  I am just going to be honest.  There are some things going on that have lead me to just not go.  I will admit they are excuses.  I can find another Sunday School group or another church setting or whatever, but I haven't.  We have said we would get our 2nd son through high school at this church because he loves it, and then we would find something down the street, where we don't need to get as involved and can just attend and leave.  We have been VERY active in service within the church and not only am I burnt out, I am a little angry at the moment.  Don't care to get into it all on a message board though.

 

I still go to my Saturday evening Small group, so I am not out of things completely.  We meet twice a month, have a pot luck, singing, bible study, and fellowship.

 

My faith in God isn't gone, but my faith in humanity might be right now.  

[PrincessMommy]

We also have a big mix in ages at our parish (Eastern Orthodox).  I think the 40-somethings are less active with extra Church activities because they're so busy with careers and school-aged kids, but they do come fairly regularly to Sunday services.  

[wintermom]

In my own family, and my in-laws of similar ages, I'd say that teen activities and part-time jobs requiring driving and/or parental involvement pulls us away from regular church attendance.

 

For myself, I'm also worn out from heavy church involvement when my dc were younger, and I've stepped back to 1/4 the duties I once had. This season of my life is a lot more busy than I'd imagined it would be. I thought I was busy when the dc were younger, but the dc are busy outside the home instead of just inside it. ;)

[KeriJ]

Maybe it's the denomination...we are Southern Baptist. Maybe it's a size thing. Dh and I tend to prefer smaller churches where we can personally know most everyone in the congregation since he is the senior pastor. As a senior pastor, he has to have his hands in all of the departments to some extent, and we just prefer that in a smaller setting. But if we were attendees, I can see us preferring a larger church where we would blend in and have more opportunities for our kids.

[creekland]

At our church (Churches of God - different denomination than Church of God), with about 900-1000 average attendance, they go to the Contemporary Service and there are quite a few there, though I'm sure some miss for school activities.

 

We go to the 8am Traditional Service (there's an 11am one offered too) and are pretty much always in the youngest 5% of attendees.  ;)

 

I like Traditional. I like early.  I don't mind my decade or two older friends and when my kids come home from school they get tons of attention from them, esp when there's a Graduation Ceremony or similar and they are the only one up receiving an award (vs several at the 9:30 Contemporary Service).  My kids stick around to do all the stuff their age group does after the service.  We parents return home to do farm chores.  (We drive separately.)

[SKL]

When I started bringing my kids to church (they were 3, I was 43), I originally looked around for a fit, but got no response to my inquiries, and I wasn't about to go drop in with my little kids at different churches every weekend.  I ended up at a church that was similar to the one I attended as a child.  (LCMS.)  At least I know how it works.

 

I do attend church with my kids.  It never occurred to me to drop them off and leave during church.  Sunday school - that is somewhat tempting (I could take a walk) - but so far I generally enjoy sitting in the adult classes.

[vonfirmath]

They are well-represented in our large SBC church. Many are heavily involved, but the church has a lot of things for kids, and they have a big variety of ministries in general without a lot of guilt when life gets nuts. I am in this age range as well.

 

Agreed. Our SBC church has a large amount of 30s and 40s. I was at a Operation Christmas Child packing party last night with a lot of them. (One way to get to meet the parents and people not in your own Sunday School class)

[Calm37]

Maybe it's the denomination...we are Southern Baptist. Maybe it's a size thing. Dh and I tend to prefer smaller churches where we can personally know most everyone in the congregation since he is the senior pastor. As a senior pastor, he has to have his hands in all of the departments to some extent, and we just prefer that in a smaller setting. But if we were attendees, I can see us preferring a larger church where we would blend in and have more opportunities for our kids.

 

I am the one that asked about the denomination, but yes, we have the size thing going, too. I have heard it expressed a number of times over the years that people want a larger church where their kids know kids from school, a snazzier kids program, etc.

 

Is "snazzy" still in use? lol. 

[Zinnia]

So, for us, it's always been a lack of people our age. We are 42 and 45. In our 20s, there were tokns of teens and 30+s. In our 30s, we saw single/college age grow, as well as the 40s. And now. There *are* 40s, but they are overwhelmingly professional Christians--very few ordinary church attendees.

 

Maybe it's the churches we have been part of. We started southern Baptist, went Vineyard, then to a vijneyard that converted to Anglican, held our breath for a year at a charismatic megachurch, and now a megachurch that pretends to be nondenominational but is basically southern Baptist.

 

We live in a (left leaning) part of town where evangelical is almost a dirty word, though. All of my church friends are frokm different parts of town.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Zinnia

[Mommyof1]

Southern Baptist in my late 40s. I see people my age range there, maybe 10-15%. I would say though that about 70% of our church are elderly over age 60. Pastor in his 50s.

[shawthorne44]

Our church probably has more people in their 40's than any other decade group.  

The area we live has no Episcopal/Anglican churches, so we had to go church shopping when we moved in.  The Methodist church and all the non-denominational ones were what we had to pick from.  The Methodist church started out as an obvious favorite.   But, us in our mid-40's, would be literally the youngest ones there.  They were happy to see us and were very welcoming.   But, we needed someplace with a child ministry for DD.  

[Garga]

 

 

My faith in God isn't gone, but my faith in humanity might be right now.  

 

 

That's a great way to put it!  Exactly the way you said it.  My faith in God isn't gone, my faith in humanity isn't completely gone...but it might be...right now.  It could change for the better or worse--don't know which way it will go at this point.

[Storygirl]

The churches we have attended have had a healthy population of people in that age range. But we have attended larger churches.

 

When I was in my late 20s, I joined a large (mega) church that had an active singles ministry. I met my husband at church, as did many of those we knew, and we stayed at that church while raising our children. When we moved a couple of years ago, we had to search hard for a church that was a good fit, and we had to settle for a few things that are not ideal.

 

But a primary concern was that there was an active and thriving and God-honoring youth ministry for our teens and preteens, so we ended up at a larger church again. Not a mega church this time, but it is still on the larger side.

 

I think if you go to a church with a larger youth ministry, you will find plenty of 40ish parents there.

[bcbbmom]

Well, I'm a 40-something, and feel that I've been drifting away from our church the past couple years.  It has become the "popular" church, and our youth group has become just an extension of public school.  Our pastor brags week after week about how many kids are in youth group, but in my opinion, it's been so watered down there isn't much left.  Of course, all the kids in town want to be there, with life-size inflatable dinosaurs, games, fun.  But it's missing what it used to have when it was about 1/4 the size.   The past several months, every service is regarding giving to build a new church, and I am pretty much disgusted.  It's all our pastor and his team talk about....at church, on Facebook, etc.  They've hired a "generosity strategist" from several states away, so I'm certain our pastor will finally get the mega-church he's always wanted.  After yesterday's fb post, which was a photo of a bucket of cash from yesterday's service, I'm pretty much done.  I'm praying about a home church.  

[SKL]

Well, I'm a 40-something, and feel that I've been drifting away from our church the past couple years.  It has become the "popular" church, and our youth group has become just an extension of public school.  Our pastor brags week after week about how many kids are in youth group, but in my opinion, it's been so watered down there isn't much left.  Of course, all the kids in town want to be there, with life-size inflatable dinosaurs, games, fun.  But it's missing what it used to have when it was about 1/4 the size.   The past several months, every service is regarding giving to build a new church, and I am pretty much disgusted.  It's all our pastor and his team talk about....at church, on Facebook, etc.  They've hired a "generosity strategist" from several states away, so I'm certain our pastor will finally get the mega-church he's always wanted.  After yesterday's fb post, which was a photo of a bucket of cash from yesterday's service, I'm pretty much done.  I'm praying about a home church.  

 

I have also gotten annoyed with our church catering more and more to what they think young people want.  We just got a new pastor and some of this seems to be dialed back.  And from what I can tell, attendance seems to be up.

 

I don't really notice the age groups too much, but we do have all ages represented.  I don't think it's odd that the elderly are more heavily represented.  They would feel a more immediate need for both the social and the spiritual connection.

 

Our church gets a fair amount of its membership through its school (or is it the other way around?).  We are expected to attend church and this is tracked by the teachers.  Most if not all of the teachers / staff are also members of our church and attend regularly.  This probably skews things.