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s/o (sort of from) attraction in a marriage : deal breakers


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I'm Catholic and I'd like to say there are no deal breakers. That's idealistic, though, so I'll give it a go. 

 

One thing that ISN'T an automatic deal breaker for me is one or two instances of physical abuse. I know I'm not the majority on that, but after this many years of marriage, I can say that if my husband hit me, I would be far more concerned that something much bigger was going on and more inclined to immediately seek medical help. Physical reactions from him would be SO far out of his norm that leaving immediately wouldn't be the first thing that registered for me.

 

I can say that open-marriages are a deal breaker for me, as would my husband telling me he wanted to live as a woman. These are things that would change the core of my marriage, our belief system, and our family... and I'm not attracted at all to women. 

 

If he did a complete reversal regarding his religious beliefs we'd have problems, but I would hope we could work past them.

 

If he suddenly did a complete reversal and decided he wanted to use corporal punishment with the children, it'd be a deal breaker for me -- as that's something I made very sure we were on the same page about, prior to marriage.

 

I like to think of myself as a good Catholic, again, but if he completely cut out or children because one of them were gay -- or for any reason, really, he cut them out entirely -- it's a deal breaker for me. 

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One thing that ISN'T an automatic deal breaker for me is one or two instances of physical abuse. I know I'm not the majority on that, but after this many years of marriage, I can say that if my husband hit me, I would be far more concerned that something much bigger was going on and more inclined to immediately seek medical help. Physical reactions from him would be SO far out of his norm that leaving immediately wouldn't be the first thing that registered for me. 

 

I suspect many of us who would leave over abuse feel the same way.  It would be a continual thing that didn't get fixed - not a one or two time deal.  Separation would come first and medical help could fix things.

 

Cheating or child porn is entirely different (for me).  Once and done.  It would prove the guy I married is no longer who I'm with.

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Yeah, I agree - I tend to think of abuse as some kind on ongoing thing, not something that happens when there is some kind of unusual or extreme situation.  I think most people are capable of getting physical a little under the right circumstances, maybe especially when they are younger. (I once threw a cast iron frying pan and broke it into three pieces - I didn't come close to hitting dh and didn't intend to - but there was quite a lot of physical tension involved in that argument.)

 

Another common cause of abuse is substance abuse - in which case that is really the problem - it can be the cause of infidelity sometimes too.

 

A one time thing could be a deal breaker too, but it just depends.

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Honestly, many people probably don't know their deal breakers until they are dealing.

 

People's reactions are not always in line with with their musings before something becomes an issue.

 

I was suprised by how I felt about a particular dealbreaker once it was out of the realms of the theoretical. I do think there are other things I am very hard line about, but who knows ?

That's true and the reverse is also true. You think you know your deal breakers but when faced with one or a couple, you may surprise yourself.

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That's true and the reverse is also true. You think you know your deal breakers but when faced with one or a couple, you may surprise yourself.

I think I flipped that. Sadie I understood you to mean something you didn't think would have been a deal breaker put you in ultimatum territory. But maybe we were saying similar things

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Going behind my back regarding parenting in a truly spectacular and unanticipated way might also do it. I recall when DD was on the way and we were going to be new parents and didn't know whether baby would be born a boy or girl, discussing circumcision and I basically told him that baby would NOT be circumcised and if he tried to make it happen behind my back it would be the last parenting decision he made without a court ordering him permission. I would feel the same today, though there aren't any new babies in our future. By the time DS came along he knew better than to even bring it up.

 

You know that is one for me I think. Not because logically I think it is big enough to end a marriage over, but because I don't think I could forgive it, and living with that kind of anger would be bad for everyone. But I cannot imagine my husband ever going behind my back on anything, or doing anything that would upset me that much, not on purpose. He's just not like that. One of my favorite things about him is that he respects my opinions, thoughts, etc and knows I research what I decide and that I always have the kids best interests at heart, etc. 

 

I think that is what deal breakers are though - things you couldn't forgive enough to keep living with them in a healthy manner. I don't logically think a one night stand or brief fling is enough to divorce over, but knowing my red headed temper I don't know that I could forgive it enough to stay married, although I would think I should. Maybe. But DH says he needs another woman in his life like he needs a hole in the head, lol. If he cheats it would be some very logical, geeky guy, lol (and DH is straight, so I'm not worried). 

 

Abuse of me.....maybe if he was drunk, and out of his mind, and repented I'd stay, if it wasn't an ongoing thing. Ongoing abuse I'd leave. Abuse of my kids, again unless it was a weird one off thing and never happened again...I'd leave. I left my ex because he neglected my son. 

Edited by ktgrok
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If it makes any difference, not all kinds of abuse would be deal breakers for me. I wouldn't be "brave" enough to lose any more kids, if I had any more to lose.

:grouphug: 

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Honestly, many people probably don't know their deal breakers until they are dealing. 

 

People's reactions are not always in line with with their musings before something becomes an issue.

 

I was suprised by how I felt about a  particular dealbreaker once it was out of the realms of the theoretical. I do think there are other things I am very hard line about, but who knows ?

 

 

This is kind of where I am at the moment.  Something you think that, for sure, is going to make the other person walk.  But then it doesn't.   People really can surprise you.  Sometimes you really surprise yourself.   Lots more grey in the world than you would guess, KWIM?

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