Bluegoat Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Yeah, I agree - I tend to think of abuse as some kind on ongoing thing, not something that happens when there is some kind of unusual or extreme situation. I think most people are capable of getting physical a little under the right circumstances, maybe especially when they are younger. (I once threw a cast iron frying pan and broke it into three pieces - I didn't come close to hitting dh and didn't intend to - but there was quite a lot of physical tension involved in that argument.) Another common cause of abuse is substance abuse - in which case that is really the problem - it can be the cause of infidelity sometimes too. A one time thing could be a deal breaker too, but it just depends. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 For me, it would be anything that I felt put me or my children in emotional or physical peril. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Honestly, many people probably don't know their deal breakers until they are dealing. People's reactions are not always in line with with their musings before something becomes an issue. I was suprised by how I felt about a particular dealbreaker once it was out of the realms of the theoretical. I do think there are other things I am very hard line about, but who knows ? That's true and the reverse is also true. You think you know your deal breakers but when faced with one or a couple, you may surprise yourself. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 That's true and the reverse is also true. You think you know your deal breakers but when faced with one or a couple, you may surprise yourself. I think I flipped that. Sadie I understood you to mean something you didn't think would have been a deal breaker put you in ultimatum territory. But maybe we were saying similar things 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 (edited) Going behind my back regarding parenting in a truly spectacular and unanticipated way might also do it. I recall when DD was on the way and we were going to be new parents and didn't know whether baby would be born a boy or girl, discussing circumcision and I basically told him that baby would NOT be circumcised and if he tried to make it happen behind my back it would be the last parenting decision he made without a court ordering him permission. I would feel the same today, though there aren't any new babies in our future. By the time DS came along he knew better than to even bring it up. You know that is one for me I think. Not because logically I think it is big enough to end a marriage over, but because I don't think I could forgive it, and living with that kind of anger would be bad for everyone. But I cannot imagine my husband ever going behind my back on anything, or doing anything that would upset me that much, not on purpose. He's just not like that. One of my favorite things about him is that he respects my opinions, thoughts, etc and knows I research what I decide and that I always have the kids best interests at heart, etc. I think that is what deal breakers are though - things you couldn't forgive enough to keep living with them in a healthy manner. I don't logically think a one night stand or brief fling is enough to divorce over, but knowing my red headed temper I don't know that I could forgive it enough to stay married, although I would think I should. Maybe. But DH says he needs another woman in his life like he needs a hole in the head, lol. If he cheats it would be some very logical, geeky guy, lol (and DH is straight, so I'm not worried). Abuse of me.....maybe if he was drunk, and out of his mind, and repented I'd stay, if it wasn't an ongoing thing. Ongoing abuse I'd leave. Abuse of my kids, again unless it was a weird one off thing and never happened again...I'd leave. I left my ex because he neglected my son. Edited October 27, 2017 by ktgrok 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 If it makes any difference, not all kinds of abuse would be deal breakers for me. I wouldn't be "brave" enough to lose any more kids, if I had any more to lose. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 Honestly, many people probably don't know their deal breakers until they are dealing. People's reactions are not always in line with with their musings before something becomes an issue. I was suprised by how I felt about a particular dealbreaker once it was out of the realms of the theoretical. I do think there are other things I am very hard line about, but who knows ? This is kind of where I am at the moment. Something you think that, for sure, is going to make the other person walk. But then it doesn't. People really can surprise you. Sometimes you really surprise yourself. Lots more grey in the world than you would guess, KWIM? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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