Adult children, mental illness, substance abuse

[Spryte]

Anyone with an adult child with mental illness? And substance abuse, as a way of medicating instead of actually taking Rx'd meds?

 

Any experience with said child disappearing for months on end, only to return full of emergencies?

 

Do we have a social group for this? I could use some support.

[Cindy in FL.]

No experience with this, but I am so sorry you are experiencing it. Good thoughts and prayers for you and your child to get the help and support that you need.

 

My brother, who was a Type 1 diabetic, left home in his late teens/early 20s and traveled around the country with truck drivers. He would hitch rides and sleep at truck stops. No insulin available to him during that time. My mother was a wreck, and she was only dealing with a child with a physical illness (not that those don’t matter of course). My oldest lived in his car for an extended period of time, and that was difficult. I cannot imagine the pain and worry of what some parents have to go through with their children

[Spryte]

Cindy, your poor mother. That sounds like the kids in the 90s, who would do the hobo thing and ride around on trains. Only worse, in some ways.

 

And no life saving meds. Oh my. :(

 

I hope your brother is ok now.

[chiguirre]

:grouphug: 

[TravelingChris]

Yes, Spryte, there is a social group.  Contact onelittlemonkey.

[Spryte]

Yes, Spryte, there is a social group. Contact onelittlemonkey.

Thank you.

[SparklyUnicorn]

With a sibling and both parents.  But not a child.

 

:grouphug:

[Selkie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  my siblings both used drugs as teens - I do think it was their way of dealing with their problems rather than actually solving them.  and my sister was a chronic run away.   they've been able to put their pasts behind them and be reasonably stable adults.

[Spryte]

Yes. My oldest daughter is a sociopath. It has been a nightmare.

I'm so sorry. :(

 

It is indeed a nightmare.

[Spryte]

I am sitting here with a 2 lb bag of m&ms.

 

Aaaagggggghhhhh.

 

Must. Put. Them. Away.

 

Someone tell me it's going to be okay.

[Χά�ων]

Yes. And an enabling grandparent who steps in to make sure everyone knows that what happened didn't actually happen that way and it was not their fault, just like the time before was not, and the time before that, and before that and and....

[Χά�ων]

I am sitting here with a 2 lb bag of m&ms.

 

Aaaagggggghhhhh.

 

Must. Put. Them. Away.

 

Someone tell me it's going to be okay.

HUGS

 

The peace will return.

[Catwoman]

No advice, Spryte, just :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

 

(Edited because I can't even type one sentence without a typo)

Edited October 25, 2017 by Catwoman

[Katy]

Thank you.   I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  She cut us out of her life when she left for college.  After her torturing us (esp me...I was always the prime target) for 5 years, it was a relief to have her gone.  Our house became peaceful and a true home again. I will spare you the details, suffice it to say I could write a very long book on what we went through with her. 

 

I wish you would.  I feel like there isn't enough information out there for parents of children with issues like this.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Thank you.   I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  She cut us out of her life when she left for college.  After her torturing us (esp me...I was always the prime target) for 5 years, it was a relief to have her gone.  Our house became peaceful and a true home again. I will spare you the details, suffice it to say I could write a very long book on what we went through with her. 

 

My mother was my sister's prime target as well.  I'm not entirely sure why though. 

 

My sister is doing ok these days (on the mental health front, but not healthy otherwise).  She clearly regrets how she treated our mother.  FWIW, she couldn't help it.  She was in a very bad way at that time. 

[Spryte]

I wish you would. I feel like there isn't enough information out there for parents of children with issues like this.

It's true. We need more people to come out and talk about it. It's so hard to openly discuss.

 

Thanks to the responses on this thread, and some awesome, kind pms, I've managed to put down the massive bag of m&ms. Breathing deeply, and accepting that the rollercoaster will even out again at some point soon, and that I can't control more than my own reactions. Hugs to all who deal with this. It truly sucks.

[gardenmom5]

Yes.  My oldest daughter is a sociopath.  It has been a nightmare. 

 

:grouphug:  I'm so sorry.

 

I am sitting here with a 2 lb bag of m&ms.

 

Aaaagggggghhhhh.

 

Must. Put. Them. Away.

 

Someone tell me it's going to be okay.

 

there are better things than M&M's.  you know if you're going to spend those calories - you want something better than M&M's.  ;)

Yes. And an enabling grandparent who steps in to make sure everyone knows that what happened didn't actually happen that way and it was not their fault, just like the time before was not, and the time before that, and before that and and....

 

sounds like my grandmother. . . :glare:  the only good thing I can say about her is she's dead.

[GoodGrief]

My 22 yo is well controlled at this time, and thankfully substance abuse was never an issue. But it's a tough gig, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Guest]

I have not been through this; I just so much want to say how much I wish I could fix these problems. My son’s close friend had some sort of “episode†recently and I was just thinking about him. He will not communicate with DS or any of their group of friends; it makes me so sad. I wish I could do anything useful.

[ktgrok]

Hugs. My son's issues are sort of under control at this point, and he's not used drugs or other substances that I know of, but I do worry. and have had to deal with everyone else's kids being over achievers while mine....I'll be happy if he's able to navigate reality. Everything else is secondary. 

[Spryte]

Thanks for all the support. I did put the candy bag down and back away. Of all the crummy candy to binge on... it's all we had. I've been doing keto for a year, and that was the most sugar I've consumed in that time. Whoa. Crazy.

 

We have all survived the day here, and things look more hopeful. There's a plan. I've been able to feed him and hug him. <3

[Jazzy]

I have not gone through it with a child, but I have been dealing with some very severe mental health issues with my mother. For the past year, especially, she has been on a self-destructive path and has caused crisis after crisis and created lots of chaos. It has been a nightmare.

 

If there is a NAMI group in your area, it might help to attend one of their family support groups. I go from time to time and it is just a relief to be able to share what's going on with people who have btdt and have crazy stories of their own. It helps to know you're not alone and you're going to survive it. I'm also on a private FB group for adult children of mentally ill parents that serves the same purpose. I'm sure there are groups for parents, as well.

 

The best thing for me has been to accept that this is not my fault and it is out of my control. I can be a support (when she accepts it), but I didn't cause this and I can't fix it. The stress of it all has done a number on my health so right now I'm trying to shift focus and take care of myself so I can take good care of my family.

 

It is hard. My heart goes out to everyone who is having to deal with this.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:

Not with a child, but with siblings (who are parents) on both sides.

[bettyandbob]

Besides contacting onelittlemonkey (send a pm) do contact NAMI. I recommended them to my neighbors, they put off getting involved in that for a couple of years, but they finally did the parent program and continued as a support group. That was a few years ago. They still connect with NAMI and people they got to know. It's really helped them .

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Wow.  I had no idea that there were so many other parents on this board dealing with this.  And I am so sorry you are members of this sucky club. K is seriously mentally ill.  We don't have a diagnosis (or at least didn't when I was still allowed to be more intimately involved in the medical care).  But we suspect it is schizoaffective disorder.  We did go through periods when K was not med-compliant.  They stopped taking meds at college and went off the rails and ended up in some legal trouble.  We had to take K home on a medical withdrawal.  For some time afterwards, K was pretty scary to be around.  A lot of hostility directed at me and my oldest.  I put up with a lot of stuff that most people would have kicked their kid out for because I knew the alternative was the streets, no meds, and likely jail.   We didn't have substance abuse (that I know of), but it could have gone that way.

 

We finally got a better psychiatrist that K trusts and who fought our insurance to approve a better medication.  K is more stable and I don't always feel the need to sleep with one eye open.  I do sense a crisis coming though and hope I can reach out before the cycle of distrust and animosity starts again.

 

One thing that really helped me was taking the NAMI Family to Family class.  It was 12 weeks and some of those weeks sucked.  But, I came out knowing so much more and having so many more supports for myself and dh.  I am still mad at the world that this has happened and I still feel pretty powerless, but I'm coming to a place of more acceptance.  

 

(K is my kid who is transgender, which adds another layer of difficulty ... a perception on their part that dh and I are oppressive, cysgender ass-#oles.  This is usually one of the signs that the meds need to be adjusted.)  

[dirty ethel rackham]

Hugs. My son's issues are sort of under control at this point, and he's not used drugs or other substances that I know of, but I do worry. and have had to deal with everyone else's kids being over achievers while mine....I'll be happy if he's able to navigate reality. Everything else is secondary. 

Yes. it is amazing how our goals change.  K was planning a PhD on physics.  Now it is a victory that they get out of bed before 3pm and clean up after using the kitchen. 

[suzanne4]

I am also dealing with this. Last year was the worst year of my life.  DD is away at college now (freshman).  Hoping she will get the help she needs.  It was horrible here last year, especially for the other kids. I barely slept. I cried every day. She cried for hours every day, and there was self harm too.   I am dreading college breaks. She really needs help which she refused once she turned 18. We have also had insurance issues which didn't help...She took herself off medication. I am very afraid of what she might do (based on what she has done).

 

We still get nasty texts, but it is easier than living with it 24 hours a day.  I worry about her, but we all desperately needed the break here.  I need to look into the NAMI chapter here. It is hard to get to the meetings though.  There are other kids here that need attention now.  

[Mimm]

:grouphug:  To you all. My Oldest deals with depression, anxiety, possible bipolar, possible BPD (working toward a diagnosis).

[goldberry]

My brother.  My parents dealt with it from the time he was 17 until he passed away in his 50s.  He was mildly autistic and mentally challenged. Turned to drugs at 17.  Various cycles of being on drugs, homeless, shelters, then coming home and trying to straighten out.  My parents helped him as long as he was clean and trying.  Usually when he would get close to functioning normally, he couldn't handle it and would disappear again.  

 

I am so sorry.  It was tremendously hard on my parents.  I would say to develop your guidelines now, and then stick to them.  My brother knew he could always get food, clothes, help with getting medical treatment from my parents when he was sober and making an effort.  If there was any substance usage at all he knew not to even come around, and he didn't.  He eventually went into liver failure, and was sober for two years before he died.  My parents helped him get treatment and services and find a place to stay in a nursing-type home during that time.  

 

You can love and do your best to help when appropriate.  Try to start internalizing now that this is not within your control and cannot be fixed by you.  Don't waste time berating or second-guessing yourself.  Do the best you can and just love them.  That's all you can do.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[Spryte]

Hugs and support to all dealing with this. And thank you for sharing, and making me feel less alone.

[Scarlett]

My brother is not stable at all.  He is 47 and has a long history of self medicating.  He is currently the worst in many ways because he has turned on my mom and myself in a way he never has before.  I stay in minimal contact with him via text....my mom does even less than me. For her own sanity she has had to really distance herself from him.  

[Soror]

(hugs)

[umsami]

Sounds like my brother.  He's 52 now.  My parents are still dealing with this.  Unfortunately, about 10 years ago, he started self-medicating with heroin.  That was a whole different ball game compared to the alcohol, pot, and even meth.  On one of his multiple times in jail, they finally diagnosed him with bipolar.  When he's on his meds, it's a lot better.  Unfortunately, he prefers to self-medicate then take prescribed meds to treat his illness.

[ktgrok]

The hardest part for me is watching "potential" be "wasted". And balancing his needs with the other kids. 

[Sweet Charlotte]

I would love to be part of a group, for discussion and support. Sometimes you need a place to say things that you never, ever thought would be in your heart or mind, where people understand and won't cast you out for being a rotten person.

 

My story is so very long and I'm very tired, so I won't spell it all out right now, but I'm happy to share. It's not something that I hide anymore.

 

My oldest son is 21. He has been diagnosed by several different doctors with bipolar, generalized schizophrenia, trauma induced anxiety, and depression. He will not stay on any medications or maintain relationships with any therapists. He's been inpatient 4 different times over 4 years. He believes he is transgender. He also believes that my husband and I are the sole causes of every problem in his life.

 

It is exhausting and feels like we are living in some sort of alternate reality. We have 5 younger kids and the things that are part of their awareness and experience would curl your toes.

 

Lord, have mercy.

 

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Edited October 26, 2017 by Sweet Charlotte

[Sweet Charlotte]

I would love to be part of a group, for discussion and support. Sometimes you need a place to say things that you never, ever thought would be in your heart or mind, where people understand and won't cast you out for being a rotten person.

 

My story is so very long and I'm very tired, do I won't spell it all out right now, but I'm happy to share. It's not something that I hide anymore.

 

My oldest son is 21. He has been diagnosed by several different doctors with bipolar, generalized schizophrenia, trauma induced anxiety, and depression. He still not stay on any medications or maintain relationships with any therapists. He's been inpatient 4 different times over 4 years. He believes he is transgender. He also believes that my husband and I are the sole causes of every problem in his life.

 

It is exhausting and feels like we are living in some sort of alternate reality. We have 5 younger kids and the things that are part of their awareness and experience would curl your toes.

 

Lord, have mercy.

 

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And like others have said, we had dreams. He is so talented. He could have done so much. Now, we are glad when he can hold a job for 2 months and isn't homeless.

 

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[G5052]

If you have a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) that has a family support group --- GO! The local one meets at the hospital.

 

It can make such a difference in terms of support for you and knowing about local resources.

[Spryte]

I'm going to look for a NAMI chapter.

 

Thank you all for posting, and for sharing your stories and thoughts and any advice.

 

Some of these posts are hard to "like" so I want you to know these are sympathetic likes.

[iamonlyone]

Maybe? Our 20 yo ds has struggled for years, and I know he has self-medicated with marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. He has mentioned maybe getting counseling sometime. (He had several counselors as a teen and once saw a psychologist, again, as a teen.) Who would he go to for a medical diagnosis? They said ADD and depression when he was a teen, but never an official diagnosis and no prescribed meds. (I take that back, he took Wellbutrin for six months after a health scare.)

 

I have wondered if he has undiagnosed mental illness. Where does one start?

[maize]

Maybe? Our 20 yo ds has struggled for years, and I know he has self-medicated with marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. He has mentioned maybe getting counseling sometime. (He had several counselors as a teen and once saw a psychologist, again, as a teen.) Who would he go to for a medical diagnosis? They said ADD and depression when he was a teen, but never an official diagnosis and no prescribed meds. (I take that back, he took Wellbutrin for six months after a health scare.)

 

I have wondered if he has undiagnosed mental illness. Where does one start?

Start with a full physical, if he will go.

[Katy]

I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one whose stress food of choice is M&M's.  They're perfect - easy to hide in your room when you can steal a moment away from a kid whose about to steal your sanity, you can eat 5 or 500 depending on what kind of time you have, and they're easy to find at any given store or vending machine.  Peanut butter is my favorite.

 

I was able to give up the habit when the child in question moved to a different home, but it only made me wonder if 1) That child wasn't the actual cause of ALL the abuse suffered by the siblings, and 2) How people who have a biological child like that function on any level on an ongoing basis.  You all are my heros!

[Spryte]

Katy, we are M&M sisters.

[scholastica]

Hugs and prayers to all of you dealing with this. Your children are blessed to have you as parents. I'm not dealing with this issue, but if I have to I hope I can deal with it with the strength and grace with which you all are.

[gardenmom5]

Maybe? Our 20 yo ds has struggled for years, and I know he has self-medicated with marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. He has mentioned maybe getting counseling sometime. (He had several counselors as a teen and once saw a psychologist, again, as a teen.) Who would he go to for a medical diagnosis? They said ADD and depression when he was a teen, but never an official diagnosis and no prescribed meds. (I take that back, he took Wellbutrin for six months after a health scare.)

 

I have wondered if he has undiagnosed mental illness. Where does one start?

 

for add - a neurologist who works in that area is better than a PCP.

PCP can usually handle *simple* depression.  if it's any deeper, you need someone with more experience.

I would start with functional medicine to do a full workup.  you want to rule out a physical cause.

[Onalulu]

My youngest dd is BPD. It’s been rough two years and I have not helped by getting remarried and moving last month out of state. She is 21 and senior in college. But guilt is winning. I cry secretly every day.

[AmyontheFarm]

My eldest daughter deals with bipolar.  She has be pretty stable for the past 3 years which is great.  But recently the dr wants to change her meds due to weight gain and because she should never get pregant on those meds.  She isn't spirallying downwards yet but she has had a few "wobbles" and it makes me nervous because I'm just starting to feel like I'm beginning to heal emotionally myself.  It is good to know that we aren't alone because sometimes when you are sitting in the emergency room at 3am you do feel very alone.

[Chris in VA]

Hugs to all. 

Dealing with relapse is the worst, I think. Just when you have hope...

But when they grow up and you can no longer monitor and you are no longer responsible, you really see how out of your control all of life is, really.

Ds was just home for a visit, and he is not in a good place. But we are. 

Bring EVERYTHING into the light, don't try to fool yourself into thinking things are normal, take care of your own health, and if you are a person of faith, lean on it--if not, find support (find support anyway, but ykwim). 

It's been interesting around here. 

Sorry your situation is so sucky.