No references may be my downfall

[Carrie12345]

The library does have two book clubs that I know of. I've watched their choices and so far none of them have sounded interesting which holds me back. I am very sensitive to reading material and television. I cannot handle intense material. I actually have about 15 or so books I have cycled through for months. I just keep rereading the same things. Sometimes I try something new but rarely do I finish it.

 

I don't know. This is just really hard for me. I've never been a social person so this is all way outside of my comfort zone. And now I've tried twice in finding something and was rejected both times. That's hard on my motivation to keep going. I wish I had a friend or two, someone to see occasionally just to do things with like eat out or go shopping. Getting out of the house was my counselor's idea because I'm dwelling on the past too much and am too hyper focused on my kids. I need other interests. Since starting this journey, I've been second guessing myself, wondering if I'm doing the right thing. 

 

As for the references, CVS didn't care that I didn't have any. They weren't even mentioned in my interview. I'd still like to know the real reason I didn't  get that job when the manager seemed so enthusiastic about hiring me. Twice he made it sound like he was trying to get me into his store asap. He blamed Human Resources for the screw up. So I don't know.

 

I'm depressed tonight. This is all so overwhelming.

 

 

If it makes you feel any better, on a whim, I applied online for an advertised cashier position in a craft store a few months back.  I spend a boat load of money there and listed all of my crafty skills and my literal lifetime history of crafting with all ages as a leader/teacher/parent.  I know that craft store better than most of the people who currently work there.  I didn't even get an interview.

 

As for the rest, I'm of the opinion that, if people are happy being recluses, they should be recluses.  I was happy that way... until I wasn't.  Now I complain about being busy and tired, but it's a fulfilling busy and tired.

 

One of my favorite new things is my local political club.  It's very, very tiny, and very laid back.  They're people I have a good amount in common with (for me, that's the dems) but I never would have gotten to meet most of them in my usual activities.  And they only meet once a month, which is PERFECT, lol. They're mostly retirees with great stories to share.

[marbel]

Red flag for what?  I'm not being snarky -- actually curious. 

 

Yeah, I get you.

 

It wasn't a long conversation and it was with someone I don't know well, so I didn't get a lot of detail. It was like - some employers (including at volunteer gigs) may find it concerning that a person is so unconnected that they don't have one person to say "yes, she is reliable/friendly/whatever."   It could also mean the applicant knows people but not anyone who will say something nice about them.  

 

I did some googling last night on the topic, and I didn't see anything else saying that.  So maybe it's not a widespread thing.  

[Night Elf]

I can't imagine listing some of you. You're long distance! Wouldn't that look odd to an employer to have all of my references out of state? :)

 

Really, I have a plan. I think the hospital will come through. The email I exchanged with the person in charge was encouraging. She said as soon as she received my application, she was looking forward to finding me a placement. Their application did not ask for references. That is at least one 4-hour shift a week and I can work more if I want to. I'm also going to join the Humane Society. They have a variety of opportunities including just socialization at their facility. Between those two, I should be kept as busy as I want to be. 

 

I'm also going to look into the book club at the library. They have a regular club and a mystery club. I think the mystery club could be good as long as they don't read dark thrillers.

 

I did look at meetup, specifically for a book club and there isn't one in my area. Apparently there are people who want one though because there was an opportunity to become the organizer. I don't want to do that. My house is too small for a meet and I wouldn't know where else to meet. I don't really have any other interests. I am not crafty so knitting wouldn't work for me.

 

I truly appreciate all of the help! You guys are awesome! I'll post again later after I talk to the hospital.

[EmseB]

I can't imagine listing some of you. You're long distance! Wouldn't that look odd to an employer to have all of my references out of state?

Most anytime I list references for things, all of them are out of state because we move a lot. Plus the current job I have is work at home and the entire company is out of state. So I would say it's not odd.

[Kalmia]

I would definitely use your dd's boyfriend as a reference as long as he's over 18 in the future. Have you met anyone from the WTM forum in real life (at a conference or something) who could be a reference? We know you pretty well :)

 

I was once a reference for a young lady who taught my son to swim. The position was in foreign language translation! I'd never heard her speak her other two languages. But I guess they liked my depiction of how she persevered over three years with immense patience to get my kid with sensory processing disorder from climbing up her body to get out of the water to swimming like a fish! Anyway, I was happy to give the reference even though I only saw her once a week for an hour and we really didn't talk. People can generally tell if someone is a good person just from being around them a short time so don't worry about looking for people with a deep relationship with you for the reference, it just needs to be a nice person confirming that you are also a nice, trustworthy person.

 

Some places like food pantries have once a month or once a week volunteer opportunities. Here you come together once a month to unload the truck or stock the shelves or help the patrons. Something minimal might be a nice place to get started and get a reference.

 

My son works at the animal shelter doing cat socialization. Basically he plays with the cats for a few hours a weekend. He talks to the potential adopters about the cats he knows well. He says "hi" to the staff but is too shy to talk to them much and they are pretty introverted as well. It is a very pleasant place.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Kalmia

[J-rap]

I also do not have any references.  When it has come up I lie.  I list my sister with a different last name and my husband's best friend who I've only met in person 1 time.  Society makes it almost impossible for SAHM's who are also introverts.

 

ETA: also references are stupid.  Like I'm going to give you the name of someone who's going to say anything other than wonderful praise?

We've done this too.  One of my dd's was applying to work at a summer camp a few years ago, and was asked to supply a professional or educational reference, a reference from her pastor, and a personal reference.  Well, we'd been on the road for about two years due to medical reasons and were pretty much just our family unit during that time.  So, I was the personal reference, my sister was the educational reference (she's a teacher and has a different last name; she never stated that she was my dd's teacher, but that would probably be assumed, and she could certainly vouch for my dd's character), and my brother -- (also with a different last name)  had some position at his church so he simply listed his church position and vouched for her character, stepping in for the pastor reference.  Of course neither stated they were her aunt and uncle!

 

It all worked out, she got the job, and then she did build up references at the camp to use for her next job interview.

[displace]

I can't imagine listing some of you. You're long distance! Wouldn't that look odd to an employer to have all of my references out of state? :)

 

Really, I have a plan. I think the hospital will come through. The email I exchanged with the person in charge was encouraging. She said as soon as she received my application, she was looking forward to finding me a placement. Their application did not ask for references. That is at least one 4-hour shift a week and I can work more if I want to. I'm also going to join the Humane Society. They have a variety of opportunities including just socialization at their facility. Between those two, I should be kept as busy as I want to be.

 

I'm also going to look into the book club at the library. They have a regular club and a mystery club. I think the mystery club could be good as long as they don't read dark thrillers.

 

I did look at meetup, specifically for a book club and there isn't one in my area. Apparently there are people who want one though because there was an opportunity to become the organizer. I don't want to do that. My house is too small for a meet and I wouldn't know where else to meet. I don't really have any other interests. I am not crafty so knitting wouldn't work for me.

 

I truly appreciate all of the help! You guys are awesome! I'll post again later after I talk to the hospital.

In case you wanted to run a book club, you could probably meet at the library if they have meeting rooms, or a local Panera/Starbucks place. But it sounds like you've got it covered :)

[Renthead Mommy]

I can't imagine listing some of you. You're long distance! Wouldn't that look odd to an employer to have all of my references out of state?.

 

Not anymore. Even if I lived next door to you, I would be ‘long distance’. I am on my third state using a Long Island area code. People move and keep the number they had anymore.

[ScoutTN]

If there is a charity organization you like, you could probably volunteer there regularly to get a reference. I know that several food banks, medical charities, animal organizations, and parks all take walk-up volunteers here. 

 

I hope the hospital option works out. 

Persevere, you will find something!

 

 

[MedicMom]

I was actually talking to someone about this tonight - someone who does hiring of paid workers and volunteers. She was not surprised that references were required even for a volunteer job and that it can be a red flag if a person can't point to a couple of people outside their family who knows them.

This. It’s a huge red flag to employers/volunteer coordinators if people don’t have a few people outside their family who know them. Truthfully, it’s a legal way of weeding out people who have a mental illness or significant family troubles(such as an abusive husband). Everyone knows people won’t put down a bad reference, so it’s a given they’ll all be good. But when someone doesn’t have ANYONE to put down—that’s a red flag for employers that there is likely something else going on with this applicant.

 

I’m not saying that it’s right. It’s not. But it’s legal and it’s common. I currently have two jobs, and volunteer at the school, and none of them would have even looked at the rest of my application without references. I went back to school two years ago for Human Resources before I switched into the education program, and this phenomenon was discussed in three of my HR classes.

Edited October 25, 2017 by MedicMom

[Bootsie]

Yeah, I get you.

 

It wasn't a long conversation and it was with someone I don't know well, so I didn't get a lot of detail. It was like - some employers (including at volunteer gigs) may find it concerning that a person is so unconnected that they don't have one person to say "yes, she is reliable/friendly/whatever."   It could also mean the applicant knows people but not anyone who will say something nice about them.  

 

I did some googling last night on the topic, and I didn't see anything else saying that.  So maybe it's not a widespread thing.  

Even though a person is not being paid, a volunteer position often puts the volunteer in a position of representing the organization and in possession of the organization's assets.  Some concerns a library might have are will the person be able to interact with the public well (not yell at users, not say inappropriate things to children, etc.) will the person be reliable (so that the library program can be run as planned), and is the person honest and trustworthy (will they handle money paid as fines, how will they handle the private information of patrons, will they steal books).  

[KungFuPanda]

What about getting a less-than-part-time position somewhere like a grocery store or coffee shop.? Seasonal hiring should be starting soon. Something like this would get you out, help you meet people so you have references in the future, and earn a few bucks.

[foxbridgeacademy]

This. It’s a huge red flag to employers/volunteer coordinators if people don’t have a few people outside their family who know them. Truthfully, it’s a legal way of weeding out people who have a mental illness or significant family troubles(such as an abusive husband). Everyone knows people won’t put down a bad reference, so it’s a given they’ll all be good. But when someone doesn’t have ANYONE to put down—that’s a red flag for employers that there is likely something else going on with this applicant.

 

I’m not saying that it’s right. It’s not. But it’s legal and it’s common. I currently have two jobs, and volunteer at the school, and none of them would have even looked at the rest of my application without references. I went back to school two years ago for Human Resources before I switched into the education program, and this phenomenon was discussed in three of my HR classes.

And this is why I lie.  I don't have friends outside my family.  One, they're usually more trouble than they're worth and two, with DH, 3 DD's(14-22 y.o.), DS, 2 sisters and a mom, all of which  I'm close with, why would I need or have time for anyone else?  

[catz]

As someone who has lined up volunteer help, it is nice to just have refernces that are willing to say "yep - Suzie is reliable and personable and I've known her for X years".  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  The thing is that many volunteer jobs have HUGE turnover as well as people who just disappear one day and never say boo about it.  Good, reliable volunteers are hard to find.  If you're volunteering in a library you do need to least like to work with people and have some interpersonal skills.  The other things is there are people with criminal records that can and do shrug and say they don't have a reference.  I'm glad places like libraries that regularly have children there aren't taking chances on the people hanging out.  I had to have a background check and a reference for a youth theater I regularly volunteer at.

 

I think the idea of finding classes or clubs to get some references and get out there and do something is a good one.  Look for one off community volunteer event, show up, and talk to a coordinator.   Find some local boardies to get to know.   ETA - I would not be comfortable using someone just online.  I'd expect anyone to tell the truth if asked about how they know someone.  If they actually never met in person that would not cut it for me as someone checking a reference and give me pause.  I think the daughter's boy friend or even his parents could be fine as a reference.

Edited October 25, 2017 by WoolySocks